Thursday, October 22, 2020

Such a Day

 Yesterday was my scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist. It was a virtual visit so I didn't have to drive the 45 minutes to do it, which was nice. It was nice too, to put on a little makeup  for the visit. Little did I know such a small action would result in triggering my gender dysphoria for the entire day. 

First though, my appointment went well and I received refills on my all important hormone replacement therapy meds...spiro and estradiol. She asked all the relevant questions about body feminization, body hair and blood pressure. Spiro can be known to decrease blood pressure too low and cause a person to be dizzy. It is also used to lower testosterone. Mine is very low (15) so I am considering cutting back on my dosage which hopefully will cut back on the dizziness I feel in the morning. I did have to set up another blood test on my hormone levels for her when I go see the laboratory "vampires" in November to make sure my estrogen level isn't too high. I figure I will jump off that bridge when I come to it. 

As far as the gender dysphoria went, if the truth be known, I probably am somewhere between the best look I think I have and the worst look I try to work through. I know too, appearance is but a small part of what works together to make me a transgender woman.

Which means, the worst part of the whole activity is it is a total waste of time and I don't know why I continue to subject myself to it. I can only surmise gender dysphoria will be with me as long as I live and days such as I just went through won't be the last. 


  1. Here's a thought that many of us might not think about. We have these moments that our GD makes us feel good about ourselves and at other times we think the worst. I wonder just how many cis-women have almost the same feelings about their looks, mannerisms, relationships, etc.. I have talked to female friends about their feelings and find that many have similar feelings and emotions that I have. I know that most women don't dwell on those thoughts but somewhere in the back of their minds it's there. It started way back in early childhood when they were trying to find their niche in life and to some degree it has continued to later life. The only real difference between them and trans women is that time is more compressed for us.

  2. As I sang in my comment the other day,

    You've got to ac-cen-tuate the positive
    E-lim-inate the negative

    The rest of the verse, though, may be more important here:

    Latch on to the affirmative
    Don't mess with Mister In-Between

    As trans women, there will always be that Mister In-Between who haunts us. We put on blinders to avoid seeing him, but we still are aware he's there.

    As much as I claim that I've transitioned to the point where I have integrated the better parts of my male-self with my female-self, I've really only managed to blur the line between the two - which is where Mister In-Between resides. He may emerge from the fog in different ways: His fat, stubby-fingered hands, his baritone voice, his scratchy face too long after a shave (not necessarily visible, but felt), his big head that connects to broad shoulders by a thick neck. Or, it could even be a memory from some long-ago feat of manhood. While none of those things are desirable to my female-self, though, I have to remind myself that they did not necessarily define my past male-self, either.

    Not only do I compare myself to other women, I have often found myself looking at some men who may have more-feminine features, such as smaller hands with long and delicate fingers, a higher-pitched voice, or a smaller head connected to narrow shoulders by a long narrow neck. Yet, they go about their lives as men because they were born to be men. Although they may wish some things about themselves could be more masculine, they don't have the dysphoria that is Mister In-Between. Still, though I may be envious of their feminine features, I would rather live with my dysphoria than to be a man - with feminine features or not.

    Don't mess with Mister In-Between, but don't let Mister In-Between mess with you, either.