Changes and Trans Life

David Bowie and Changes

One of the only constants of life is change. From the day we are born until the day we die, changes are part of our life.

I am biased but I think all transgender women and/or trans men receive more than our fair share of change. Depending where your age may be in the spectrum of life and how long you are able to live, you may have to bring more baggage with you when and if you decide to take the huge step and decide to complete a transgender transition. 

In addition to the "Three F's" or family, friends and finances, there are other baggage items to consider. Such as how did you fill your time when you weren't working for instance. In my case, I was a huge sports fanatic and wasn't sure if my passion would survive as a trans woman. I was left in even more doubt when I began to not appreciate my time going to so called safe gay venues. For the most part, I didn't like the people, the music or being treated like I was an out of place drag queen. What ended up happening was, I went where I was comfortable as my male self. Venues where I could watch sports on huge televisions with beer to match. I figured if I was going to be made uncomfortable, I might as well use the change to try for better.

Most importantly, I found other women (Cis, not trans) who shared my passions for sports and gave us a reason to socialize. The whole process opened up the rest of my world to more changes. By this time, I felt as if I was right in the middle of the David Bowie song "Changes." When I looked around at all my middle aged friends stuck in ruts of life, I felt so liberated to be where I was although at times I was petrified of exactly what the future may hold when I transitioned into a fulltime womanhood. 

Little did I know, the biggest life changes were still ahead when I decided to throw caution to the wind and pursue beginning gender affirming hormones. In addition to the obvious bodily changes such as breasts, skin and hair growth, I also found myself reacting to yet another puberty experience in life. The first time I experienced a major hot flash still is a vivid memory when I think back to wondering if I was internally combusting. In addition, hot flashes and the hormones led to me all of a sudden being more emotional. As the world around me softened, I became more in tune with temperature changes and smells. It was my own special world and I loved it.

Looking back at the whole process of gender changes I went through, even though I knew deep down I never really had a choice, I cherish most of my life as it turned out. At the least, I was never bored and was always challenged to do better. First as a cross dresser and later as a transgender woman. I found the path was less traveled but when I discovered a fellow traveler, the meeting was normally positive. 

I also had privilege of living through the birth of the internet era, which in turn started the explosion of social media. Which brought the LGBTQ+ community together. All of a sudden it was easier to bring a little light into previously dark gender closets. 

Change is similar to a roller coaster ride. You can only hope the ride up is worth the ride down.

Creating a New Person

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

In the past I was flattered when someone told me I "made" a good woman. Of course, when I began to think about it, I didn't make anything. 

All I did do was finally allow my inner feminine soul the freedom to show herself to the outside world away from the mirror. Plus, I found she needed the time to learn the art of clothing and makeup to initially make it in the world. It wasn't easy but later, more than sooner she made it. At least according to the persons who were telling me I "made" a good woman. Then I found an entirely different spin to the "compliment". What the persons didn't add was I "made" a good looking woman...for a man. Which meant I needed to work even harder to cross the gender border. 

I discovered also I needed to keep my male self as far away as possible from the process. The primary example was how I was dressing. I found out the hard way when I dressed to please my male self in clothing which was too short or too tight to blend in with public expectations. When my woman took over, she dressed us in the more proper ways to dress and blend in with other women and my life began to change for the better. 

Little did I know the depth I would need to experience for the creation of a total feminine person to take place. The more we progressed socially, the more I found I needed to learn to adjust to this new wonderful lifestyle I was just beginning to experience. As I already suspected, cis-women operate on a much more layered existence than a man. From birthing and raising a family, all the way to being with men and holding down a job, women have much more to do in life. Of course, birthing a child was out for me but much of the remaining options were still open for me to learn. The example I write about the most was the process I needed to go through to learn one on one communication with other women. The whole process was difficult for me because I needed to essentially back off and see where the other woman was coming from. No more frontal assaults with my ideas. 

As it turned out, my dealings with men were much more limited. Very quickly I learned the new person I played a part in creating faced a whole different world when it came to men. For any number of reasons, I didn't date many men and I was for the most part terribly uneasy. I knew many of the man-centric topics they followed but didn't want to appear too well versed on subjects such as sports. I'm sure now I appeared too reticent to be a good date, so I didn't try. Fortunately, I was able to locate a group of women to socialize with. As with the rest of my life, I had always been more comfortable in the company of women anyhow. So this was just an extension of the process.

All in all, creating a new person, had very little to do with my old unwanted male self. The more I progressed in my new feminine life, the more I realized my new chosen path was the way to go. In fact, I should have chosen it sooner. Once my inner female gained control, the rest of me was able to sit back and enjoy the ride. 

One Trans Girl to go Please

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archive

Going out to be alone was one of my favorite phrases when I first started to explore a brave new world as a transgender woman. Another look at it would mean I was desperately lonely and just needed a release from being at home all alone. Along the way, I had discovered several venues I could go to without the chance of being harassed.  Outside of one notable exception, I was usually left to my own without any bother. Since I normally consumed quite a bit of beer, having a women's restroom pass was important. In several venues, I did experience push back from the management due primarily to complaints from other customers. I became so good of a regular at one place, after I was asked to leave one night by a manager, the crew found me at a nearby venue and asked me to come back. That was the infamous evening when a group of drunks kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box. Even then I was determined I would attempt to ride out the hassles until I was asked to leave. I got my revenge later when I found the manager who asked me to leave was fired for drug abuse. 

As I began to go out in the public's eye more and more, I did realize I was under some sort of threat being a single woman at a bar. As I continued to try to present as an attractive woman I found I had a couple things going for me. First, I discovered I was watched over by several of the bartenders I visited on a regular basis. When I was approached by the occasional drunk guy, the bartenders would warn me with a glance and kept him moving.  Another trick I learned was always using my cell phone as a crutch. I would act like I was texting someone else and expecting another visitor. That way I could explain to unwanted visitors I wasn't going to be alone much longer. 

Finally, "One trans girl to go" began to change. In a moment of brilliance, one of my bar tender friends set me up to meet her single mother who identified as a lesbian. Then, not too long after that I happened to be sitting alone one night when another woman slid a message down the bar to me. Not to let a golden opportunity go by, I quickly responded by introducing myself. It turned out she also identified as a lesbian and before long the three of us bonded over several mutual interests such as sports and drinking. For all intents and purposes from then on one transgender girl disappeared into a much needed small group of three. I learned so much from them I can't begin to list them all. All of a sudden I was even being invited to lesbian mixers which even led to one evening I was asked to approach another participant for a date...for my friend. I was a failure, because my friend didn't get her date but I tried. 

Also, as you may recall from a previous post, it was about this time when I met another circle of women who I called my second circle. It was through this circle I met Liz approximately twelve years ago. Our first date was a drag show and after being together for eleven years we decided to get married last October. Even though it's been years since my "One transgender girl", I still and probably always will remember all the intensely lonely days I had to go through. I even tried on line dating. Which predictably went badly in so many ways. I encountered my share of crazies before I ran into Liz who lived relatively close to me in Cincinnati, Ohio. We began to correspond more and more on line before I had the courage build up to let her hear my voice. She wasn't scared off and the rest as they say was history.    

Just Passing Thru

 Over the past several days and weeks I have happened along several acquaintances I made over the years. Of course when you get to be my age (72) the opportunity grows to have more people who have just passed through your life. Then again too, I wonder about some of them making a larger influence on my life. 

In the middle of it all was my twenty five year relationship with my deceased wife, my five year relationship with my first wife and my current relationship which is going strong at nearly eleven years. I guess you can say if nothing else I have been loyal. As I think about all the others is when I get bogged down with all the "what if's". What if the woman I met in a Columbus Ohio lesbian bar and went to a party with wanted to see me again? Similar to the date I had with a guy in Dayton, Ohio? I could go on and on  The differences were my wife was still very much alive when I met the first woman and I really couldn't visualize myself with anyone else but the guy was much different. I was on my own and actively exploring my own sexuality. In essence I was all over the gender spectrum although I still knew I liked women. The allure of having validation from the male gender was powerful also.

As life has a way of doing, many times it is like water. If you let it go, it will find it's own level. For me that level was feminine. It seems the more I tried to find a male companion, the easier it was to find a female one. Much more than when I was completely in the world cross dressing as a man. Maybe the women I was around then could sense I was a mess. 

Photo from Unsplash

Since I was a mess, I had very few male "friends." I spent my life guarding myself from the world so most people just were passing thru. 

I think too, we transgender people have more of a chance to have more people just pass thru our lives. Primarily because early on we are so guarded and later because we start all over attempting to build new lives. Many times the process dictates a whole new set of people just passing thru.

Another problem is when transgender women or men become successful in entering society many of them leave the transgender or LGBTQ group they were part of.  So there goes another group of acquaintances. 

It's difficult for me to even compare if I had had the opportunity to live a mainstream life if I would have had more or less of the same people just passing thru. Maybe it isn't as important as it was to me when I thought of it when I couldn't sleep last night. I just can't help but wonder what happened to certain people who just passed me by so quickly as my life sped by.