Throughout the years often I wished I could have followed the path of nearly everyone I knew. Costumes were for fun or creativity. Not as serious as mine were. Then there were all the years due to work situations I couldn't wear a "costume" at all.
All of that is in the past now. Looking back at it all, I was fortunate enough to be able to live most all of my Halloween fantasies.
On this Halloween, I hope you have too!
Recently I wrote a post concerning the reactions from my past two wives when they were confronted with my gender issues. I left my current partner Liz out because by her own admission she has always viewed me as a woman.
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| Photo source: Cyrsti Hart |
All of that changed with my second wife who I was destined to be with for twenty five years before her death from heart problems at the age of fifty. She was as stubborn as I was and we became embroiled on numerous occasions. All of which were caused by me wanting to go further and further towards living full time as a woman.
Several times I remember vividly.
The first (of many) occurred when we lived just Northeast of Marietta, Ohio. It was a time of my life when I was really starting to find success going out and experiencing life as a feminine person. To "manufacture" more reasons to go out when she wasn't home, I began to do things like the grocery shopping. When I did it, I slowly expanded into doing other kinds of shopping too. All of it worked well until I accidently ran directly into my wife's boss in a store parking lot. I thought I succeeded in passing him until nearly a week later I heard the infamous comment about him seeing a large red head when he went to the store. It just so happened I had and wore a red wig at that time. Of course I denied all knowledge. It turned out it didn't matter anyhow. She caught me cross dressed in public and the giant fight which came later led me to my first sessions with a gender therapist.
It turned out, the visits with therapist just put off the inevitable, I still continued to slide towards living full time as a transgender woman.
The second of many fights I can remember came after one of my most successful cross dressed outings I can remember. I have written about it here in Cyrsti's Condo many times. It was the night I went alone without my wife to a transvestite "mixer" when we lived in the NYC metro area. Two women sat at the door and were going to deny me entrance because "No real women were allowed." Of course in those days all I had to validate me as a woman was my appearance and I went on a giant ego rush. All of it made me impossible to live with and my second wife and I ended up in a huge fight.
During the fight she said what quite possibly were the most profound I heard in my entire life, "You make a terrible woman." I was taken aback because the night before I had been mistaken for a woman. Then she went on to say she wasn't talking about how I looked. There was a deeper meaning I hadn't even considered and wouldn't until I actually started to seriously transition.
Without going deeper into the whole process now, I learned the nuances of gender communication and privilege when I began to live as a woman.
It's easy to say now but she was right. I did make a terrible woman. However I did take the opportunity to rebuild my life in a feminine world. A world which was dramatically more layered and pleasurable than the male world I had known.
The wait was worth it. I'm not so sure the cost to my soul and to others around me was. My cross dressed man did make me miserable and unfortunately I made others around me miserable too.
Recently I have been writing several posts concerning the interaction between my Halloween adventures and the interactions with my wives (at separate times.)
First of all I had experience with two wives for the stories. The first was much more accepting than the second but both knew about my cross dressing urges before we became married. The problem became more prevalent as I slipped further and further into the realization I was much more than a cross dresser. I wanted to follow the natural urges I was feeling to shove my male self into the closet and live full time as my authentic self.
My second wife used the well worn phrase, she didn't sign up to be in a relationship with another woman. Plus, a few other phrases I will save for another post.
What happens to the spouse when that happens? Back in the day, I used to take a look at a few blogs which dealt with women who were immersed in relationships with their husbands who suddenly told them they were transgender. Needless to say, the reactions I read from the wives were not positive. Even I was shocked.
I think what we all miss during our Mtf transitions is that cis women have egos also. In many cases a husband figures prominently into her ego. Or, what she did wrong to "drive" her husband into the feminine camp.
As far as I am concerned, I don't know how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and my spouse wanted to complete the difficult journey to another gender. I just know it would be very difficult.
I can understand too how a transgender path could be considered the ultimate in being selfish. After all it is an all encompassing desire to make it to the other side of the gender divide. What happens to a families life, jobs and kids when it happens? It's so difficult to help another person to understand there is really no choice when you are considering crossing the gender frontier. It is so much more than just dressing as part of the opposite gender. It is life or death.
So, my heart goes out to all the understanding spouses I have been reading about recently. Or even the ones who begrudgingly have come to accept and stay with with their former husbands or wives. Of course the internet has helped with all of that. Positive information abounds on how couples in love have survived their gender journey together.
Taking my local scene as an example. the transgender - cross dresser support group I am part of has recently featured several couples who are successfully staying together. As I wrote, all my positive thoughts go out to the spouses who made it happen.
Equal time! Good job!
Before we inherited a distinct fall chill to our weather here in Southwestern Ohio and sweaters became a priority, I had a chance to wear one of my patterned button up blouses over a tank top I have to make a trip to the VA for a flu shot. I wanted to wear something which would provide easy access to my arm for the injection.
My reaction to the shot proved to be little or no consequence and in fact was over before I knew it.
It turned out my bigger reaction came when I checked my reflection in the mirror and was amazed how much mass I have a lost in my torso/shoulder part of my body. Fortunately, the approximately twenty five pounds I have lost on our diet plus weight distribution changes due to hormone replacement therapy, the weight from my upper body has been added to my hips.
Now I have to go shopping again to find new clothes to reflect the new feminine changes to my body. Yay!
Caroline Cossey, also known as Tula, made headlines as the first transgender model to pose for Playboy magazine. Prominent throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s,
Cossey worked with major fashion magazines and small brands, even appearing topless in denim ads. Her big break came with a cover spread for Playboy in 1981, which led to her role as an extra in James Bond’s film For Your Eyes Only.
After being outed by a British tabloid in 1991, she made a comeback by posing for Playboy again, this time in a solo spread that dubbed her a “beautiful woman who was born a boy.”
Of course I couldn't wait to grab a copy of "Playboy" to get my glimpse of this impossibly beautiful transgender woman.
I was in the Navy from 69-74, My reason was I didn't want to take a chance on being drafted and didn't like the idea of people trying to kill me, Plus I was able to secure training and placement in Advanced Electronics away from all that killing but did require a 6 year enlistment,
I was never able to fully transform but always found some way to be myself away from others, While living off base from 72-74 I was getting more and more bold, But while just driving around I got stopped by a small town cop, He did not make a big deal at that time, But did report it back to my command,
I thought for sure that my life was over, But the base psychiatrist
For me to fully describe and come to realization what/who I was and a real game changer."
Thanks for the comment!
This will be the final post concerning how Halloween parties paved the way for me to actually come out of the closet and live a fulltime feminine life.
This one goes way back to my post Army days in the mid 1970's and happened in Columbus, Ohio.
When Halloween rolled around that year, Columbus had just restored and reopened the "Ohio Theatre" a very ornate and beautiful structure complete with the original restored theatre organ. For the event, they decided to present a costumed event complete with a silent horror movie and the organ music .I thought it would be an ideal time to reprise my "costume" I wore at the Army Halloween party I went to.
For the evening I managed to persuade my future first wife and two other friends to attend with me. The first mistake I discovered I made was when we had to park approximately two blocks away. Up to that time in my life, I had never attempted to walk that far in high heels before and I felt it! Other than feeling the fall chill on my exposed legs, the only other real impact I felt was how much attention my outfit did not cause. I guess with all the other unique and wonderful costumes, a guy in a mini dress didn't cause much attention.
However, none of that mattered as we found our seats for the show. The theatre was magnificent. Especially for a person such as me who is really into history and restoration. I do remember trying my best to enjoy being dressed as my authentic self. After all, it was very close to the first time I was able to actually go out in public as a woman.
Looking back at all of it was, once the thrill wore off, I was coming to understand how natural I felt
Bottom line was, once the door to my gender closet was opened, it could never be closed again. As I have written sever times, I felt too natural as my feminine self to go back.
A night at the theatre proved to be only the beginning as I was able to enjoy watching the show around me as the woman I was destined to become.
Finding a place of acceptance in the underground ballroom scene and taking inspiration from models such as Tanay Pendavis and Tracey Africa, Bloom served face in Harlem dance halls
From there, she appeared in a cover shoot for Candy alongside other trans icons including Janet Mock and Yasmine Petty. In the past few years she's starred in major fashion campaigns and walked runways, and in 2019, she made her on-screen debut in the Martin Scorsese produced Port Authority. It's submission to the Cannes Film Festival made her the first trans woman of color to star in a movie in its 70-year history.
Of course also, there was her famous "Sports Illustrated" cover!
Thank you Mark for such an in depth question.
First of all, I grew up in a small semi rural area of Ohio in the 1950's and early 1960's. Nearly the entire class of the school I attended knew each other from first through the ninth grades. It all made for rigid social lines being drawn. For example, there were the jocks, hell raisers, socializers etc.
Around the time the 7th grade rolled around, I knew I had to make a serious decision concerning which social set I was going to try to join. As you probably noticed, there were no categories for novice cross dressers. As far as I was concerned, I was the only cross dresser I knew. To be sure also, to be labeled a wanna be girl, I would be labeled as a sissy too. Also I expected no support from my patriarchal, conservative family.
I was also painfully shy, so being accepted as a school socialite would be difficult too. I was left with two possible circles, the jocks or the hell raisers. Furthermore, I always had an interest in sports even though I lacked in the skill department. So I chose a few nearby friends who shared the same interests.
By taking these steps, I was able to insulate myself from the threat of bullying. In effect I befriended most of the people most likely to come after me. As all of this was going on too, I had to be very careful not to have my younger brother catch me dressed as a girl when our parents weren't home. I had many close calls over the years when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and rapidly wipe off makeup I had just applied.
All of this carried me into high school. I transferred from a very smallBy this time in high school, I had perfected the art of staying invisible. My only social attempts came at the school's junior prom when I was essentially set up with a date. Then I met and dated a girl from the school across town and went to the senior prom with her.
Through it all Mark, I can't begin to tell you the time and energy I wasted hiding my true gender identity. I didn't want to be with a girl sexually, I wanted to be her. If I hadn't waited for the years to go by to realize all of this, perhaps life would have been easier, Then again, I took the only path I knew.
Through it all, I was able to dodge much of the bullying I would have been tortured with but I know too I was luckier than most. I also had to resort to hyper masculinity to survive. Which was not my ideal way to exist but it worked.
Thanks again for the question Mark, hope I answered it.
Last year, Jamie Lee Curtis's daughter Ruby sat down in the family's Los Angeles backyard with her mother and her father, comedy director Christopher Guest.
Ruby had something to tell them. She was going to come out as trans. But she wasn't able to.
"It was scary — just the sheer fact of telling them something about me they didn't know," Ruby tells PEOPLE, sitting down in their living room last week. "It was intimidating — but I wasn't worried. They had been so accepting of me my entire life."
So Ruby left, and then texted her mother. Remembers Jamie Lee: "I called her immediately. Needless to say there were some tears involved."
For example, let's take my military service for example. As you Cyrsti Condo regulars know, I went to high school and college during the Vietnam War days . Otherwise known as the draft era when the war was so unpopular participants had to be forced into service. While the idea of serving was not one of my goals at the time, steering clear of donating two or three years to the Army really upset me. Why? Even more than the prospect of leaving home and playing soldier for an extended length of time was the more daunting fear of not being able to express any of my feminine desires. Somehow I thought shaved legs and a mini skirt wouldn't make it on a guy in the Army.
Here is where the irony comes in. After I served a year of my three years in Thailand, where many of the pretty prostitutes were boys (no I didn't do anything) I was sent to Germany to finish my three year tour of duty. In Germany I was destined to shave my legs, apply my makeup again, buy a wig and mini dress and attend a Halloween party.
How could I do this? Because I worked for the American Forces Radio and Television Service as a morning disc jockey in Stuttgart, Germany. By doing so, I was part of one of the most un-military units in the military at that time. In addition, since our broadcast unit was so small, we received extra money to live off base. Plus, close by was a big "PX" (mini shopping mall) where I could pick up some much needed items also. An example would be a wig.
As the party approached, I still remember the apprehension I felt. Prior to this Halloween, I never had the nerve to express my feminine desires in a public setting before. Plus, I needed a place to do my "prep" work. Here is where the woman who was destined to become my first wife comes in. I was able to borrow her apartment to shave my face, legs and apply my wig, dress and makeup. All too soon it was time to leave for the party.
The overwhelming majority of the people at the party were from a local medic's unit which was also stationed nearby. So the only people I really knew when I arrived were my future wife and two others.
This all happened back in 1973 so there are no pictures and a whirlwind of memories. I only remember the amazement of several people concerning my costume and the rush of hands on my panty hosed legs. Back in those days it all validated my fragile idea of being a woman.
Weeks went by after the party until one night as we were under in influence of great German beer, the subject of our costumes came up. I was lucky. When it was my turn to discuss "costume", I told the truth and said I was a transvestite which could have been enough to get me kicked out of the Army if anyone told. No one did and even more important, no one cared.
It turned out my most feared time of my life (being in the military) would turn out to be the most beneficial. I was honorably discharged, married my first wife, fathered a very accepting daughter and went on to use Veterans Administration resources I accrued. Including HRT.
Life is but a circle. What I feared the most came back to help the most.
This is actually a two part post combined into one because it involves a similar topic.
As I began to become more comfortable in going out on Halloween in feminine attire, I decided to try my good fortune by going to large so called straight venues. In my mind to do it correctly I had to go by myself without my wife.
The first time I tried it was with my first wife who was very vanilla and didn't really seem to care. I often thought I could tell her I was going out for gender realignment surgery and she would not care. At any rate, as Halloween approached that year, I had already made up my mind I was going to the biggest venue in town as a woman and see what happened.
My "costume" was all in black with a tight sweater, mini skirt, black tights and blonde straight wig. All topped off with a black beret. The whole outfit worked well as people I thought I knew merely passed me off as another costumed Halloween person. However, all of it came to a halt when a person in a full mask stopped to see me and said he knew who I was. I was floored! How could anyone see through my elaborate "costume"? Finally I said how did he know me and he said I looked exactly like my Mother. It turns out he was a childhood friend who knew my Mom. Turned out later he was a notorious transphobe who made extremely derogatory comments about me behind my back. But that's another story.
Other than him, the night I thought went well and I enjoyed myself immensely. What I was discovering though was how natural I felt when I dressed in feminine mode and interacted with the public.
The second part of this post deals with another experience I had when I was away from home training managers for a company I worked for. This one occurred with my second wife who also knew I cross dressed but was much more strict about my comings and goings.
Once I found out I was scheduled for a training seminar in a city I had to overnight in for a couple of days over Halloween, all I really had to do was figure out how to sneak a "costume" out of the house for the evening along with all my work clothes of course. With a little creative packing I was able to pack what I needed.
For the evening I basically had the same objective. Dress to blend with the other women at the venue in their Halloween costumes. I found a tight, short faux leather skirt and top, added fish nets, heels and heavy make up with a blond wig and off I went.
Much like the first night, all went well except for a few unwanted butt feel ups. All to quickly as I always say, it was back to being my same boring guy self. The only problem this time was I had to chase my gender euphoric fog in a hurry. The very next morning I had to teach a class at 8 AM. I made it time wise after triple checking I removed all the makeup from the night before.
While I certainly wasn't the "belle" of either ball, I still had a great time!
Pink sure does look good on her!
The ABC’s kids drama series First Day, starring transgender actress Evie Macdonald, has won an International Kids Emmy Award.
In the show, Evie (pictured left) plays Hannah Bradford, a 12-year-old transgender girl, who is navigating starting at a new high school as her authentic self
First Day premiered on ABC ME in March 2020, and subsequently was a huge success overseas.
It screened around the world including in the US, UK, Canada, Japan, France, Finland, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Israel, New Zealand, Taiwan, Ireland, South Africa, and Brazil.
Now the show has won best live-action series at the 2021 International Kids Emmy Awards, announced online this week.
After the win, the show’s producer Kristy Stark thanked everyone involved with the show.
At this time in my life, my second wife and I recently married and moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. I left my fast food job for a better offer.
As it turns out my second wife who knew of my cross dressing desires before saying yes to my marriage proposal kept closer track of me. Especially when it came to going out by myself cross dressed. I only bring this up because this all happened in the early 1980's and my memory doesn't go back that far on many issues.
At any rate, one of my female assistant managers was having a Halloween party with her and a few friends. I really didn't know the wonderful experience I was about to begin as she invited me along.
This Halloween I chose an in between "costume" idea. I would wear one of my shortest dresses and accessorize it with heels, jewelry and big hair so popular in those days. Of course my wife did not approve but I thought I looked great.
Out the door I went and met at a pre set up location, where I would meet the other party goers. I was amazed when I discovered the other attendees were all cis women and were dressed similar to me. When I walked in to the living room where they were all waiting, you could have heard a pin drop as they looked me over head to toe. The reactions were priceless when they found out the truth about me. What made the whole experience so priceless also was the fact they were all almost as tall as I was.
It was quickly time to leave and I didn't even know where I was going with this group of women. My skill in walking in heels was put to the test when I learned we were walking the short distance down the block to a neighborhood bar which was having the party. As we walked, I tried to hold my head up and walk with as much pride as the women. After all, this was my first "girl's night out" like it or not.
Amazingly to me, no one in the bar paid me much attention, assuming I blended in so well with the other women I was with.
After a while though, they drifted away from me and I was left with my drink and an elderly man who kept trying to get me to dance.
All too soon it was time to head back again to my boring male world. The only problem this time was going out to the Halloween party with one of my assistant managers cross dressed could have potential consequences. Fortunately, all I experienced were the comments which said how good I looked. Perhaps a little too good for a supposed feminine "costume."
The only real downside turned out to being the gender euphoria rush which was hell coming down from and the fights with my wife which ensued. The only saving grace was I knew there were transvestite mixers nearby I could attend.
I wouldn't have to wait for another Halloween to test the public and see if I could at least make it appearance wise in a feminine world.
As Halloween rapidly approaches, as promised, I thought I would share several closet opening experiences I went through. These experiences were instrumental n helping me to gain courage to pursue a life in the feminine world.
The experiences are not in chronological order and this one actually occurred a couple years after my earliest attempts at going out as a woman on Halloween.
As it turned out, a friend of mine owned a huge spooky Victorian mansion and was going to have a fairly exclusive Halloween party. I was a fairly well known radio DJ and somehow made the cut for an invitation, along with one of the news girls.
Since this wasn't my first Halloween rodeo dressing as my true self, I deiced to steer clear of my previous "slutty" costumes and try to dress as a cis woman to see what would happen.
To make a long story short, I had a great time. I ended up going with the news person somehow instead of my wife. One of the few times she left me unattended. It was first page news when the news girl saw my "costume" all the way down to my freshly shaven legs. It turned out the evening was only going to get better.
The party was well attended and everyone I encountered remarked how "real" I looked, especially one of the area's up and coming politicians and his wife. They wouldn't leave me alone, all the way to inviting me to come along with them to another party they were attending. Since I didn't drive myself that night, I said no and decided to go back with the news person who drove to the party.
Needless to say, the whole experience was a prime case of gender euphoria for me. At the least, I found I could present in the world as a feminine person. The down side came the next day when I had to return to my boring male world. Except for questions at work about my so called "costume", which I quickly laughed off.
I will always wonder though what would have happened if I had left with the political couple and went to another party. Also, unfortunately I have no pictures. It was a long time ago in the late 1970's.
I did pass along a close replica of how the house looked.
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| Ripley, Ohio. Courtesy Cyrsti Hart |
The reason I bring it up comes from an experience I had yesterday at the auto repair sh
op. Along the way I have never totally gotten over my internal fears of going unattended to a male dominated business such as a auto repair shop.
Yesterday though, my fears (and gender dysphoria) were quickly put to rest when the male clerk said "Can I help you Mam" From there I checked my car in and waited for my oil change to be completed.
From the opening comment on, for the rest of the day, I took advantage of an all to brief wave of gender euphoria.
As I started to look back in my my life, I really did have more than several euphoric moments as I went on an exciting yet terrifying journey to living as my authentic gender self. From the earliest days as a kid staring into a mirror at the feminine girl looking back at me, all the way to the occasions at lesbian mixers when I was approached and flirted with. When my two lesbian friends couldn't seem to generate any interest.
As I look back at my life also, I see the times of gender euphoria coming along often just at the right times which I needed to keep moving along. All the times when I was sent home crying due to cruel comments and harassments. Of course too, as I mentioned in a recent post, there was the physical gender euphoria which came with my hormone replacement therapy.
I could write another post (or two) on episodes of euphoria which encouraged me to keep going down the path to living full time as a transgender woman. Many of them revolved around Halloween, which I will try to write about before the holiday is upon us.
In the meantime, the only words of wisdom I may try to come up with is, try to feel and cherish any incidents of gender euphoria you may have. They could keep you going.
I received several comments concerning my post "Revoked" which centered around being ignored as a woman.
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| Banquet Picture Credit Cyrsti Hart |
Over the years I have come to accept my femininizing meds as the most important medication I take except my bi-polar meds.
Approximately eight years ago I started down the hormone replacement therapy path. I began with a doctor who prescribed minimum doses until we could see how my body adapted. Other than a six month stoppage due to another health problem, I have been on the femininizing meds ever since.
Every once in awhile I do write about the changes here in Cyrsti's Condo but I try not to because results vary so completely among users. Plus, since I have such a difficult time remembering last week, recalling exact times and dates of HRT changes are difficult to come up with.
I do have several thoughts on the timings to pass along, although your results could vary. First of all, make certain you have a medical professional to monitor your dosage. Estrogen is a powerful drug and abuse can cause you health problems.
Now, lets get back to the matter at hand. Most likely since I was in my early sixties when I started, changes didn't take long to appear. My natural supply of testosterone was on the way down anyhow. What I remember most was how my breasts started to change, along with my emotions it seemed. I prefer to describe the whole experience as my world was suddenly softening. I rediscovered long hidden emotions which went all the way to experiencing hot flashes which didn't do me any good when I discovered I was cold all the time and women weren't just making it up.
I was fortunate in that I inherited a full head of hair which started to grow longer and thicker with HRT. Body hair started to thin except for my beard which had never been very thick to start with. All of this went along with skin softening. Amazingly, my appearance took on a more feminine look with new softer lines.
One other thing which never changed was my voice. Along the way I did try vocal lessons but wasn't really satisfied with the results.
As I look back on all the years I experienced on hormone replacement therapy, I am so thankful my body was able to accept the changes it went through.
Every patch day, I pause and thank the Goddess for her help in guiding me down a path not many humans experience. All of which is dependent of my little patches. Then again, I have an appointment coming up next week with my Endocrinologist, she holds the ultimate future of my journey in her hands.
In many ways I feel the patches have provided me with an exciting yet terrifying magic carpet ride.
If you are already out, good for you. You have paved the way for other transgender women and men in the future.
If you have not had the chance to live as your authentic gender self, don't give up. Many times the world can change quickly and you will have a chance. I am an example of that.
Another important consideration to not forget is even though you are not out, don't forget to support others who are. Many times you can do it at the ballot box.
In the mean time, appreciate your day!
This morning my partner Liz and I had a new refrigerator delivered and it was a clown show.
First of all, the refrigerator was damaged. Since our hands were tied and we needed cooling for our food of course, we have to wait two more days for another unit. So we accepted the one which was delivered.
The clowns who delivered it weren't done though. We paid extra for them to take the old refrigerator away and they left it. When questioned, they said they couldn't get it past the gate the new one just came through.
I just couldn't accept the fact the whole process would have been different if there would have been a "man" in the house. I felt helpless to provide much backing.
I know "back in the day" as a guy I could have made a difference. Overall, I still wouldn't trade where I am.
I knew going into my transgender transition, losing my male privilege's would be the most difficult part.
I have a hard time with relating to most all of the current TG/TS people that I meet,
Olympia High School in Orlando, Fla., has crowned its first transgender homecoming queen.
Evan (right)
Evan Bialosuknia, a 17-year-old senior, ran her campaign on social media with help from the school’s Gay-Straight Alliance.
“Every year, a beautiful girl wins homecoming queen, and that’s how it always is,” told CBS News. “Ever since I was little, I was like, ‘I want to be a queen, I want to be that star in a moment of glory.’”
Last week, Bialosuknia “made history,” as she wrote on Instagram, joining an increasing number of LGBTQ students across the country joining homecoming courts and prom royalty.
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| Myself, Nikki, and Kim (right) Photo courtesy Cyrsti Hart |
As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes.
As you can tell by the photo on the left, my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.
Of course by that time, I had years of practice.
What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman. Since they both were lesbians, I learned I did not need a man to validate me as a woman.
This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world.
My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating woman to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman?
Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world. When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can.
Recently I wrote a post called "A Bridge too Far" here in Cyrsti's Condo. Along the way in the post about novice transgender women facing the difficult task and decision to fully come out of their closet, I left out a very important point.
Paula was kind enough to comment on it:
"Most of the things we are frightened of never happen! I suspect that it is fear that held a lot of back, yet it is also our example that it makes it all less scary for those following behind us.
Personally, I am one to build too many bridges to jump off of, whether I need to or not. I suffer from anxiety along with other mental disorders. In other words I obsess completely and come up with extra scenarios. Most of which will never come true, yet I spend too much time worrying abut them.
For years I looked at the decision to do the right thing and live as a woman as sliding down a slippery slope towards a gender cliff. From which there was no return. It was easy to play the safe game and try to live as both genders...until it almost killed me. I couldn't take it anymore and took advantage of the gender bridge I was seeing. All of a sudden, instead of jumping off of it, the bridge was providing me a pathway to gender freedom and I could live as my authentic self.
To make a long story short, I was able to turn a tragic circumstance into a positive when my wife of twenty five years passed away. She never accepted me being transgender and of course the whole situation caused tremendous stress within the relationship. As I built my gender bridge and was beginning to explore the feminine world, all along the ultimate resolution (her death) was the last thing which would happen.
Bridges are funny things. Some are tall, long and scary, others are short, low and non threatening. The gender bridge is definitely is one of the scary ones. Once I decided to cross my bridge, along came hormone replacement therapy compliments of the Veterans Administration to help me. As they say, timing is everything. When I needed it most, my physical persona began to take a decided change to the feminine side.
I also was able to find several close cis woman friends who accepted me as one of their own and I learned many unwritten rules of the feminine gender.
Hopefully as you view your bridge, it is not as scary as it appears to be. Keep in mind too, what seems like an impossible crossing today may change tomorrow.
Most importantly, October brings with it the very important Halloween holiday. At least it's a holiday of sorts to most novice transgender or crossdressing women. It's a chance to break out of closets everywhere and experience the world as your authentic self. Who you were born to be.
I know Halloween was very important to me in my progression out of the closet. Through my so called "costumes", I learned many things including if I dressed appropriately, other people would mistake me for a woman. It took me awhile to understand how deeply ingrained my desire to lead a feminine life was. Finally, I came to the conclusion all those years I was living as a cross dresser alright, just not as a woman. I was cross dressing as a man.
Throughout the month of October I will try to share the most impactful Halloweens I experienced. Very quickly my thrill in presenting as a convincing woman came full circle. I found my impossible dream of living full time as a transgender woman may indeed be possible.
Also, if you have a Halloween story, please send it along!
Archive Image from Witches Ball Tom on Left. Ditching good with better has always been a difficult obstacle in my life. I always blame my...
