Confidence and the Lack of It

 One of the easier subjects to write about is how confidence is one of the most important accessories a transgender woman or man can have. The problem we all face is the human animal is an apex predator and similar to a shark will sense out the weakness in another person. Often this leads to early bullying in our

"Attitude"
Photo Jessie Hart

lives, simply because we are different. 

As we attempt to gender transition into our authentic selves, often we are led down a path of appearance obsessions'. In other words we are so into trying to match our exterior images with our authentic selves we neglect to see and experience how the other gender really lives.  When we begin to actually have a chance to look another person in the eye a transgender person starts down the long and winding road to establish a place in the world. 

Even though I have been able to live full time as a transgender woman, I still have issues with confidence. For some reason though I find it easier to look another woman in the eye than I do with a man. Maybe it has something to do with a version of impostor syndrome. Through it all, deep down I still have a fear of gender rejection. 

Ironically, I have lived with the gender fear my entire life. When I was cross dressing ss a guy, I was always desperately afraid of my "girl side" being discovered. My male impostor syndrome was high and probably was to blame for my relative lack of male friends. The fewer I had the less I had to try to meet and maintain. 

It's so easy to say. Just carry yourself as your authentic self and  many of your gender struggles will be over. All it takes is one halfway negative life experience and it seems you have to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

Fortunately life moves so fast we are presented with more chances to prove ourselves in the world. When positives happen, we get the opportunity to rebuild what we lost and enjoy a new level of confidence. Before you know it you are feeling so strong about yourself the sharks stay away. 

After all, there is nothing wrong with you at all.

Party Down

Last night proved to be a wonderful time. For the first time in many days, my partner Liz and I were able to go out and enjoy ourselves. 

Even though it was St. Patrick's Day, the venue we were meeting several other transgender women in was fairly quiet. I was able to enjoy a pint of Guinness stout ale along with corned beef, potatoes and cabbage. Nothing more Irish than that!

Photo Courtesy JJ Hart

Since the place was fairly quiet, I was even able to hear the conversations around the table. One in particular was wonderful when the transgender woman told us the story of her being accepted by her children. In typical trans style, she was always thinking of the possibility they may not.

In many ways, it is incredibly sad when acceptance is the major topic when trans people gather. But it was a sign of the times last night (I hope)when no one else paid us any undue attention. What helped also was we were in a relatively liberal upscale suburb of Cincinnati. As in true with many metro/urban areas, once you find yourself very far outside city limits, the attitudes can change...quickly. 

Plus, there is safety in numbers. Especially with novice transgender women and men. Lynnea mentioned it when she wrote in and commented on the "Were you Bullied" post:

"Escape from bullying takes different forms. Here are some I've employed:

Escape into dreams. I accepted the isolation and kept to my own world of thoughts, books, and even the dreams of the night.

Escape into a clique. I sometimes think "schooling" is so called because you have to find a group in which to make yourself less likely for attack like the schooling of fish.

Escape into another locality. I went to high school outside my district because I would probably have been murdered otherwise.

Escape through expulsion. My own family expelled me from their circle after decades of gross vilification for not accepting their bigotries. I'm better off not having them in my life anyway.

Escape through homelessness. As serious as this state of hardship has been, I did eventually gain a home. Walking away from an abusive environment and living on the streets was preferable to the abuse."

As I pivot away from my original post, it's time to share another comment on being bullied from Deborah :

"Yes, I was bullied in various ways. Even into my 20s. I couldn't face my gender dysphoria. It forces us into a dark cave, repressing feelings. At 71 I am still unpacking these feelings. Just retired last year... At last! Time to feel and be! --"

I suppose in many ways, just having the freedom to party down can show us the path to our own freedom from gender dysphoria.

I have received so many comments especially on the hair post I wrote and others, I am going to try to respond as soon as I can. In the meantime, I hope you are seeing the light in your gender tunnel and it isn't the train. 

Great Comebacks

 If you are like me, there have been many times in your life when you wished you could go back to a social situation you found yourself in and redo it. Often you have thought of a comment or reply which may have been more appropriate or even witty as a retort to a person who approached you. 

Seemingly as transgender women or transgender men we are more subjected to the possibility of a negative statement or gender comment. 

Today, I have decided to share Connie's comment on how she handled a situation following a comment directed towards her:

"  You've reminded me on an incident, many years ago, when my wit was quick enough to make the perfect zinger. I was feeling every bit the woman I knew myself to be at a rather-formal gathering one night. A man approached me, I believe with full intent of chatting up a lady (I have always tried, as a woman, to be a lady). After a bit of small talk, including some obnoxious toxic male comments from him, my voice must have finally outed me. The guy suddenly remarked, "Wait, you used to be a MAN?" My quick retort was, "I used to be twice the man you'll ever be, and now I'm twice the woman you could ever handle." :-)

Nice! The worst I ever had to handle was a guy who was adamant about wearing my panties. We were kind of on a date which went quickly sour after that comment and was quickly brought to a halt. For his sake I hope he gathered up enough confidence to buy and wear his own panties.

Ironically (or not) I become a little agitated when a guy comes along with with strong male toxicity. Especially when he views transgender women as sex objects only. Then again he may feel the same way about all women, trans or not. 

I am also a bit humored when a novice transgender woman says how desperate she is to find a quality man. Just think of the dating pool she just entered with the number of cis women seeking that same man.

Bullied Kid Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Connie was correct though. Once we transition, the possibility exists you can become twice the woman a man can handle if you have learned any gender lessons at all. The possibility of recognizing  male toxicity and steering clear of it is easier once you have lived it in a previous life. After all men aren't shy of bullying other men as well as using other forms of gender dominance to get their way around other men. In many cases we did have to be twice the man as someone else just to survive.

Thanks for the comment!

Haters and Bullies

 Recently, Mark sent in this comment: "Very very AMAZING..LADY .very well done for talking about this ,my parents lived in Germany for 6 years detmauld ..WHAT bullyingly HAVE you had ..HOW DID You cope/what happened .MARK.X"

Thank you Mark for such an in depth question. 

First of all, I grew up in a small semi rural area of Ohio in the 1950's and early 1960's. Nearly the entire class of the school I attended knew each other from first through the ninth grades. It all made for rigid social lines being drawn. For example, there were the jocks, hell raisers, socializers etc. 

Around the time the 7th grade rolled around, I knew I had to make a serious decision concerning which social set I was going to try to join. As you probably noticed, there were no categories for novice cross dressers. As far as I was concerned, I was the only cross dresser I knew. To be sure also, to be labeled a wanna be girl, I would be labeled as a sissy too. Also I expected no support from my patriarchal, conservative family. 

I was also painfully shy, so being accepted as a school socialite would be difficult too. I was left with two possible circles, the jocks or the hell raisers. Furthermore, I always had an interest in sports even though I lacked in the skill department. So I chose a few nearby friends who shared the same interests. 

By taking these steps, I was able to insulate myself from the threat of bullying. In effect I befriended most of the people most likely to come after me. As all of this was going on too, I had to be very careful not to have my younger brother catch me dressed as a girl when our parents weren't home. I had many close calls over the years when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and rapidly wipe off makeup I had just applied. 

All of this carried me into high school. I transferred from a very small
middle school to a large high school, so in many cases I had to start all over again. This time though, the emphasis shifted to academics as I needed to be accepted to an university after high school. The alternative was the military because of the draft. 

By this time in high school,  I had perfected the art of staying invisible. My only social attempts came at the school's junior prom when I was essentially set up with a date. Then I met and dated a girl from the school across town and went to the senior prom with her. 

Through it all Mark, I can't begin to tell you the time and energy I wasted hiding my true gender identity. I didn't want to be with a girl sexually, I wanted to be her. If I hadn't waited for the years to go by to realize all of this, perhaps life would have been easier, Then again, I took the only path I knew. 

Through it all, I was able to dodge much of the bullying I would have been tortured with but I know too I was luckier than most. I also had to resort to hyper masculinity to survive. Which was not my ideal way to exist but it worked. 

Thanks again for the question Mark, hope I answered it. 

Quotes To Live By

I found several of these on Pinterest which were not specifically tied in with the transgender lifesytle, but then again were.  Here's is one of the more radical ones in Cyrsti's Condo:

"The "B" Word

No, not that "B" word- the bully word.
I can't say enough negative about bullying and in fact haven't written much about it's tragic effects here in Cyrsti's Condo much at all.
The reason (or excuse) is I really did not know where to start.
I do think we transgender individuals sometimes think we have the market cornered and certainly it seems that way in our world.
Ironically, one of the woman in the group I went out with last night told me the saddest story of her youth as a very obese kid.  Without going too deep into it, she said the torture such as bubble gum in the hair became so bad she nearly couldn't stand it...and ballooned to over 400 pounds as a young adult.
The good news is she survived the experience, had surgery and literally has lost hundreds of pounds.
Other's of course haven't- inside the transgender, gay or straight world.
Amanda Todd is one of those:
She was a Vancouver-area teenager who posted a story to YouTube last month about being cyber-bullied, then was found dead  in Coquitlam, Canada. Authorities believe she committed suicide.
 The sad part is that a petition has to be started on  Causes  to try to do something.

Then, there is the story of Denver Transsexual TV Host Eden Lane.

In high school, Lane wore androgynous clothing while trying to simply move through the world like any other kid. Until the day some boys were gathered in the back of the science lab talking about which girls they found attractive. The new boy at school named Eden. When the other boys told him she wasn't exactly a girl, the humiliated boy lit her hair on fire with a Bunsen burner.

Read more of her success story here

I was admittedly luckier than most. My physical stature and interest in sports kept me in a safer nondescript .middle point. I wasn't part of the popular crowd but I wasn't bullied nor thank god did I bully. Seemingly today, more and more folks in our society need to be haters and feed on the different or the weak. I (of course) have a few thoughts on why-but in reality who cares what I think. It's what I do that's important and that is exactly why I'm passing along the Causes link to you.
Look,  I know I could pass along sad story after sad story to you.
On the other hand, you survivors need to make sure the world knows more of your successes. Recently again I had someone try to hang the courageous tag on me.
In reality you bullying survivors deserve the credit for being courageous and brave more than I ever will!