Exceeding my Expectations

 

JJ Hart

I once worked at a great job where the company’s motto was, we exceed expectations.

As luck would have it, about the time I worked there was the same time that I really kicked my gender explorations into hyper-speed. It was the time when if I was not spending time with my second wife or working, I was out the door as a novice transgender woman learning the world. Looking back, that period of my life seems like a blur as both sides of my gender personality competed for attention.

In many ways the competition was not fair because I was beginning to feel so natural in the feminine world as my fear of doing it subsided. I was discovering that my testosterone poisoned body could indeed be shaped into something that could blend in with the ciswomen who ran the world I wanted to be part of. My confidence rose every time I succeeded in presenting successfully in the world as a transfeminine person. I was exceeding my expectations and many times I could not believe it was me.

To do so, when I could, I picked out many feminine things I could do to prove to myself that I could. Such as the time I was able to do the “Black Friday” Christmas shopping with the overwhelming majority of the women in a mall I always wanted to go to back when malls were still the place to be to shop after Thanksgiving for deals. I had tried for years to schedule such an adventure but finally, the sun, moon and stars came together for me, and I was able to do it.

When I pulled into the mall, it was already packed and I was lucky I found a close parking place to a side entrance and wore my most comfortable boots with my big soft sweater and leggings to brave the Ohio cold and headed inside the warm mall. As I said, the place was packed with women on a shopping mission, and I soon learned they could not be bothered with worrying about a single trans woman going about her business. Sadly, I did not have a long time to spend there because I needed to go to work later in the afternoon, so I had to leave my adventure behind and drive home. But, on the plus side, I could mark another experience off my feminine bucket list as I finally was able to take on the world as a woman during one of their favorite activities…getting the best shopping bargains at the post-Thanksgiving Black Friday deals.

As I took that off my transgender bucket list, I needed to rack my brain to think of other primarily ciswomen dominated things to do. Next, I decided to try my hand on seeing if I could be accepted in a couple of the small lesbian bars I had heard of in the Dayton, Ohio area. I turned out to be extremely successful in one of them and extremely hated in another. Which at the time, I did not think was too bad. The venue I was intensely disliked in was essentially a lesbian biker bar which did not accept trans women such as me at all. But the other bar did and I ended up having several great experiences there.

Such as the night when I was forced to sing karaoke by a super-butch lesbian in a cowboy hat who I did not think she ever realized I was trans. At any rate, I made sure I had paid for drinks and left before she realized why my voice was deeper than hers when we both tried to sing a classic country song by “David Allan Coe.” Then there was the night I was approached by another butch who bought me a beer and told me she ought to pick me up and take me home with her. The only problem was that I was still married at the time, and my wife would have never believed me if I told her I was abducted by an alien lesbian. Probably the best part was, out of all the people I knew in the bar was the main bartender who by accident I learned knew my male self. I never knew if she had given my secret away that the “lipstick femme lesbian” everyone was approaching was transgender. Before I found out, sadly the venue had closed, but my expectations were exceeded when I knew I could be accepted by the lesbian culture.

Perhaps my biggest win came when I was able to get away from the gay venues, I was seeking refuge in from the world and try to become more of a regular in all the straight I sports bars I used to be a regular in when I was a man. I say the biggest win because for the first time in my life I was coming out of my gender shell with the chance to learn who I really was in my new trans womanhood. All of my expectations were quickly exceeded the night I finally gathered my courage to go back to the nights I thought I was only a part-time cross dresser and prove myself wrong. I was so much more as I struggled to learn about and live my reality. The night I did it for the first time at a TGIF Fridays, set a standard for me and taught me a lesson I could never unlearn, I could never go back to being a man again.

Setting up a whole new set of expectations for me was never easy. Especially when it comes to something as complex as living as a whole new gender. I was naive about how complex a ciswoman’s life could be, as I primarily learned I had so much more to work through than just worrying about my appearance. Which was just the first high heeled step into the real world of women. Many times, I needed to kick my heels off and dive barefoot into the girls’ sandbox to survive and exceed all the expectations I had ever had.

Hey You!!!! Thanks for reading along with all my writings and as always thanks for any comments you may have.

 

 

 

 

 

Transgender Game Changers

 

Image from Andre Fonseca
on UnSplash.

One of the positives to being able to live a long life is to be able to look back on all the key moments in my life when a decision one way or another could have made a huge difference in my life.

Perhaps the biggest moment was when I discovered the enchantment of looking at the pretty girl in the mirror where my boy self was just standing. Sadly, the moments were fleeting as my life was calling me.

As I grew up and my life became more complex, so did my dealings with my transgender issues. One of the most important lessons I learned came early when my second wife and I encountered a handsome Harley motorcycle rider at a tavern we were at one day in Cleveland, Ohio waiting for a transvestite mixer we were going to, to start. I was very new  to being out in the world as a cross dresser and was completely surprised at my reactions when this guy came into the bar and started flirting with my wife. Then, I was even more concerned about my wife when she started to flirt back, completely ignoring me. What was I going to do since I was stripped of all my male reflexes of what to do when another man was flirting with my wife. I had to just sit there and be quiet and hope she did not go for a ride on the Harley with the man. Of course, my wife sensed my concern but let the situation play itself out to teach me a lesson in feminine competition. One I never forgot.

Another evening, I never forgot and could have been a bigger game changer than it was, was the night I had my makeup done by a professional makeup artist in Columbus, Ohio at another transvestite-transgender mixer I was attending. After the makeover, I was stunned at all the positive changes the artist made for me. I was flattered with all the compliments I was receiving and decided I did not want the evening to end early. I wanted to join the so called “A” listers who always went out on the town and show off my new look. Plus, for some reason, my wife decided not to go to this mixer, so I was free and on my own. We ended the evening at another tavern which I could not tell was LGBTQ friendly or not but one way or another I bought a beer and headed for one of the unoccupied pinball machines. When I did, amazingly I was approached by a younger good-looking man who wanted me to stay and play pinball with him. By this time, the rest of the “A” girls were ready to leave, and I needed to make a split-second decision on if to stay or go. Since I had no idea if the man knew my true gender or not, and I was in a strange city, I decided to go with the “A”’s who were jealous of me because I was approached by a man and they were not.

I never knew what would have happened if I had stayed and would the evening change my life forever, which also happened the night I went on a date with Bob. By this time, my wife had passed away, and I had not met Liz yet (my future wife) so I was free to explore my own boundaries. Bob was not from my area of the country and on occasion passed through the Dayton, Ohio area on business where I lived. On one of those nights, I knew he wanted to meet me in person at one of the venues I was a regular at. I had never partied with a man at a sports bar before, so I did not know what to expect. What I did not expect was the great time I had. It was the first time in my life that I had been treated completely as a woman, and I loved it. It was even a karaoke night, and he sang for me. And yes, Bob did know I was transgender. We shared a rather passionate kiss together and the night was over. Never to be repeated again.

There were other trans game changers such as girl’s nights outs and the conversations I shared with a man who I thought I could have gone farther with if he had stayed around. The “what if’s” remain big questions for me as I grow older, and I know you can’t have it all. In many ways I crammed a lot of life into my years which I am grateful for.

I should not be selfish though because I have been blessed during my life with people who have loved me, and I did my best to love back in return. Sadly, my gender issues were in my way through most of them and if I had faced reality, I could have been a better transfeminine person. Which is a topic for another blog post altogether.

 

 

Cowboy Dreams

This is an older experience I haven't shared for awhile here in Cyrsti's Condo. In fact it goes back to the 1990's.

In those days, I was spending my life divided between the two binary genders. Along the way, I managed to locate a couple small lesbian bars I liked to drink in. One disliked me totally, the other I was accepted in.

On certain nights, the venue I was accepted in had karaoke. I don't sing at all (except for a David Allan Coe song I knew.)  The song was/is "You Never Even Called Me By My Name but I digress.

I was only vaguely aware it was karaoke night when I got there. I didn't really care because of course singing was the last thing on my mind.

I also remember I was wearing my blond wig with jeans, boots and some sort of tight top. Indirectly, I wanted to look nice for the other patrons. It turns out I did I guess!

About half way into my second beer, a big butch lesbian comes up (in a cowboy hat no less) and demanded, not asked, if I would sing with her. Of course I tried to politely decline. Then I learned quickly I was going to choose the song and sing it with her.

As I panicked, I thought there was only one song I knew and mentioned David Allan Coe to her, hoping she wouldn't want to do it. No such luck though, she grabbed my hand and headed to the stage. Fortunately the lights were dim in the place and there weren't many patrons there yet and I did the best I could to sing with her.

After we were done, she looked at me and said my voice was lower than hers and headed another direction. I took that as my time to escape. I paid the bartender who knew the truth about me and took off.

I never saw the butch lesbian in there again and wondered if she ever learned the truth about her duet partner that night so long ago.