What is a Woman?
A True Female Is?During an unusually bitter discussion about my transgender leanings and our relationship, my wife said "you (me) would make a terrible woman!"
Naturally the comment was a tremendous blow to my egos. My male ego was harder hit than my female ego. Of course, at that time I really didn't have a female ego. I was just a guy dressing like a girl.
How could she say such a thing? In the past several months I was turned down for admission to a TV only event. I had to prove I wasn't a real single woman. I had slutted myself up successfully with three other tall beautiful genetic girls at Halloween and held my own. I even had a male admirer sending me letters. (A long time ago!)
Then she said, "I'm not talking about looks. I'm talking about being a woman."
It took me years to fully understand what she meant. I really mean years! The time frame I'm referring to is the mid 80's and we were into the third year of a 25 year marriage. And yes, she did know about my "hobby". I told her before we got serious. That's another story.
Now, lets compare your idea, my idea and society's idea of what a woman is. First off, you have to separate sex from gender. Sure you can be born female. Does that make you a woman? No. You are just a biological female. Life experiences make you a woman, between the ears that is. At least it has worked that way for me and I've seen in it my young granddaughter. The way she plays and interacts with other young girls. My wife knew I had none of that experience and it showed.
I could look like a woman but had no idea of how a woman feels or lives in the world. Slowly and very insecurely over the years my female self began to evolve.
The first step was a quick lesson in a woman's use of non verbal communication. My initiation came at a straight/gay neighborhood bar in Cleveland. It was summer and a handsome guy rolled up on his Harley and parked it on the sidewalk outside the front door. After a couple of drinks my wife came about as close to flirting with someone as I had ever seen her. He wasn't shy about checking us out either. She looked me in the eyes and all of the sudden I was not husband but competition and she was considering winning! She gave me the look "I'll get him you won't and I will see you later."
She didn't go, but the lesson was learned that words don't have to mean anything. To this day I have quick and meaningful eye to eye communication with many of my genetic girl friends. Just a glance can tell me yes or no or even danger!
Other meaningful lesson's I've learned are listening, dispute resolution and passive aggressive behavior. You genetic girls reading this already will know what I'm going to say. You trans girls who truly want to play in the other sandbox-listen up. No pun intended!
Most men, as we know, are not good listeners. They are listening for the short term. Most just long enough to make you feel they listened and or cared. I wish I could tell you the ones I've talked to in person or on line that can not get it through their heads that I an NOT a drag queen. It's not their fault it's the wiring.
Another huge gender hurdle is problem solving or dispute resolution. A shoulder to lean or one to cry on helps a woman. Men are problem solvers- take care of that problem and lets move on! Much of this gets back to listening! What did she really say?
Last (but certainly) not least is passive aggressive behavior. Over the years my work has been primarily with female dominated crews. I've been dazzled and sometimes scared with the workings of alpha females on down. Fortunately I try to stay clear of all of that on my perch in the middle.
Why do I want to go down this path? I like the feminine style. I respect it and feel comfortable in it.
I know that no matter how much money or hormones someone puts into their body-they will never be a biological female. On the other hand I have met some transgender women who are more female than any real girl I've ever met. Some are more comfortable being women than more than a few women are. I guess that's why I place experience over biology in gender.
Personally I hope I have reached the point where people say I'm friendly and fun to be around. Sure, most know I'm still a biological male but mentally a girl. I really want to grow into a woman my wife (deceased) would have liked and respected.
On the other hand, I do understand the confusion people have with humans like me. Gender after all, is a main building block of life. What I don't understand is the fear.
But I do have a very positive outlook for the future! I believe that many of our youth are getting over the fear factor and into understanding.
Maybe the best idea is to have this discussion with them? Or with you?