I've been attempting to consolidate and bring back some of my older posts for some of your new followers. This one is more lengthy than some of the others. I hope you enjoy it!

close

Loading ...

What is a Woman?

A True Female Is?

During an unusually bitter discussion about my transgender leanings and our relationship, my wife said "you (me) would make a terrible woman!"
Naturally the comment was a tremendous blow to my egos. My male ego was harder hit than my female ego. Of course, at that time I really didn't have a female ego. I was just a guy dressing like a girl.
How could she say such a thing? In the past several months I was turned down for admission to a TV only event. I had to prove I wasn't a real single woman. I had slutted myself up successfully with three other tall beautiful genetic girls at Halloween and held my own. I even had a male admirer sending me letters. (A long time ago!)
Then she said, "I'm not talking about looks. I'm talking about being a woman."
It took me years to fully understand what she meant. I really mean years! The time frame I'm referring to is the mid 80's and we were into the third year of a 25 year marriage. And yes, she did know about my "hobby". I told her before we got serious. That's another story.
Now, lets compare your idea, my idea and society's idea of what a woman is. First off, you have to separate sex from gender. Sure you can be born female. Does that make you a woman? No. You are just a biological female. Life experiences make you a woman, between the ears that is. At least it has worked that way for me and I've seen in it my young granddaughter. The way she plays and interacts with other young girls. My wife knew I had none of that experience and it showed.
I could look like a woman but had no idea of how a woman feels or lives in the world. Slowly and very insecurely over the years my female self began to evolve.
The first step was a quick lesson in a woman's use of non verbal communication. My initiation came at a straight/gay neighborhood bar in Cleveland. It was summer and a handsome guy rolled up on his Harley and parked it on the sidewalk outside the front door. After a couple of drinks my wife came about as close to flirting with someone as I had ever seen her. He wasn't shy about checking us out either. She looked me in the eyes and all of the sudden I was not husband but competition and she was considering winning! She gave me the look "I'll get him you won't and I will see you later."
She didn't go, but the lesson was learned that words don't have to mean anything. To this day I have quick and meaningful eye to eye communication with many of my genetic girl friends. Just a glance can tell me yes or no or even danger!
Other meaningful lesson's I've learned are listening, dispute resolution and passive aggressive behavior. You genetic girls reading this already will know what I'm going to say. You trans girls who truly want to play in the other sandbox-listen up. No pun intended!
Most men, as we know, are not good listeners. They are listening for the short term. Most just long enough to make you feel they listened and or cared. I wish I could tell you the ones I've talked to in person or on line that can not get it through their heads that I an NOT a drag queen. It's not their fault it's the wiring.
Another huge gender hurdle is problem solving or dispute resolution. A shoulder to lean or one to cry on helps a woman. Men are problem solvers- take care of that problem and lets move on! Much of this gets back to listening! What did she really say?
Last (but certainly) not least is passive aggressive behavior. Over the years my work has been primarily with female dominated crews. I've been dazzled and sometimes scared with the workings of alpha females on down. Fortunately I try to stay clear of all of that on my perch in the middle.
Why do I want to go down this path? I like the feminine style. I respect it and feel comfortable in it.
I know that no matter how much money or hormones someone puts into their body-they will never be a biological female. On the other hand I have met some transgender women who are more female than any real girl I've ever met. Some are more comfortable being women than more than a few women are. I guess that's why I place experience over biology in gender.
Personally I hope I have reached the point where people say I'm friendly and fun to be around. Sure, most know I'm still a biological male but mentally a girl. I really want to grow into a woman my wife (deceased) would have liked and respected.
On the other hand, I do understand the confusion people have with humans like me. Gender after all, is a main building block of life. What I don't understand is the fear.
But I do have a very positive outlook for the future! I believe that many of our youth are getting over the fear factor and into understanding.
Maybe the best idea is to have this discussion with them? Or with you?

Trans Girl Socially Challenged?

Absolutely!
My genetic girl friends tell me- "all the good one's are taken". Are they right?
I'm not looking for much. Just a person to hang out with and I'm not totally alone. I have my guy friend and a small group of women friends.
My personality always pushes for more so I signed up for a dating site. I probably drove them all over the map with my gender changes. Woman seeking woman all the way to man seeking woman. The bottom line is that my expectations have been reached. Nothing!
I knew the whole thing would be like finding the needle in the haystack, but needles have been found!
Then I started wondering, do I threaten other women?
I read a great post concerning just that by "Hope Alexander" on "Hub Pages" of why we do. One of the reasons is that we look better and put more work into being a girl. The usual examples of clothes and makeup come to mind. I've added one of her posts to look at! http://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresserhttp://hubpages.com/hub/Are-You-A-Man-Or-A-Woman--How-To-Deal-With-A-Crossdresser
I do believe it is true with some women because they have let themselves go-but not most. I also believe we play into the insecurities of genetic girls because we do play in their sandbox.
Is all of this another social problem?
We are too much girl for the gay guys. Not enough girl for the Lesbians and a competing girl for the straight women? OMG!
Finding good people in the world is hard enough! I've been blessed to find more than my share.
I can't help but think there are a least a couple more out there!

Act Like You've Been There!

Humans are natural predators, they do sense when something is wrong. When you consider your presentation as a woman, your attitude should be a big priority.  You, after all, are doing nothing wrong.
Now, put the high heel on the other foot.
What if you see one of us in public and it is fairly obvious.  Do you say anything?
What if you are wrong? Are you going to hurt the other person's feelings? Do they really want to know you read them?
I'm sure you can add at least 5 more questions to this list, but would you like to be approached?
I would from the stand point I would really love to find a friend who gets out and lives life as I do. If she is shopping too as a girl-that's a great start to a friendship!
However, my ego would be bruised as it always is when someone picks me out as a guy not a girl.
The bitch in me dictates that the other person doesn't know the truth until I talk to them.
The instances of all of this happening have been exceedingly rare.  I would say, over a ten year period I have spotted around five individuals who I was positive were transgender.
Two were walking the same mall I was in. Two were in stores and one came into my favorite casual bar in heels and hose. One other time I was approached by a guy who said he dressed.
That's it!
The only one I talked to was obviously the guy. I was going into my "spot" for a drink and I asked him if he wanted to come in. Yes it is a straight place and no he didn't.
The one I wished I would have talked to was the "heels and hose" girl but she drank her wine and left before I even knew it.
All the others looked so nervous, I was afraid to say a word.
Maybe they broke the number one rule? Did I notice something was wrong with the way they looked or the way they acted? Probably actions on two and looks on two.
The bottom line is-if you are going to say something positive do it! You can approach us in typical female style. "Wow, I love those earrings!"
If you think I'm a girl and you really do like them, that's great! If not, that's OK too!

Red Head Hall Of Fame candidate "Lola Davidovich"!
I happened to see her in the 1994 film "Intersection" with Richard Gere and I was mesmerized by her style and of course the hair!
The way the makeup and costume people worked with the browns and tans of her clothes was amazing.
I was in love! With her look.
We have discussed the sexual disconnect I have with women. It literally took me years and years to figure out I was not lusting after women sexually but visually. I wanted to look like them, to wear clothes like them and to experience the same sensations.
What we haven't discussed are some of the ways to do just that. On a whim, I subscribed to the "Fashionista.com" website.
Most of the info is fashion info about clothes and designers I know nothing about and could care less.
Every now and then, however, some really good ideas are presented. The review on "L'Oreal's Magical New Primer Base" was wonderful information as was the ranking of the world's best fashion stores. Tied in with all of that was the news that the big fancy stores have started to stock sizes up to 20 in some departments.
Now I can't afford any of that. But I can afford the "L'Oreal" and I do see some of the stores they ranked.
My goal is to piece together fashion trends and mold them into my own style and budget.
If you are interested in "Fashionista" just hit them up and subscribe. The only downside is they will hit you back with a lot of info on your email. Again, you have to sort through for something that pertains to you- unless you are tall, skinny 21 and gorgeous! In which case I hate you! Just kidding.
I do get many questions and comments about my look and like anything else it does take work. This is just a another tool I use. Plus a picture of "Lola"!

Let's Be Careful Out There!

If you have followed the developing story of "Victoria Carmen White" in
New Jersey, I don't have to tell you about the sadness involved with this senseless act. She was found murdered.
Recently, the family and her best friends have stepped forward to wonder why investigators used her male name 4 years following a legal name change and 9 years after her SRS. (Sex Reassignment Surgery) The final cruel jab in a transgendered person's life. 
Misty, one of the visitors to the blog has an equally sad story on her "Hub Pages" Blog. I have added a link for you to read the whole story.
Briefly,  it seems she made an "over the fence" friendship with a lady who lived next door. After some conversation, the woman confided in Misty  her daughter committed suicide-because she thought she was gay.

"Victoria Carmen White"

I can not begin to speak to the indescribable pain suffered by the loved ones of these two individuals. I buried a wife but burying a child would be so much worse.
I know I'm "speaking to the choir" here, but what triggers such  violence against transgender people?
Is it the same basic reasoning that leads most men to think we are very loose sexual beings waiting to satisfy their every need?
Victoria was obviously a very attractive woman.  Allegedly, her attackers learned of her past and became violent.
Answers to all of this can only exist in better communication from and about the transgender community.
The "T" in LBGT must become more important.
I know it's difficult. We are too much girl for the gay guys and too much guy for the lesbians and we get compared with the drag queens. It's easy to say the transgender folks shouldn't have been in the grouping to begin with.
I wish I was powerful and rich enough to do more than write about all of this. I do feel things are changing, but not nearly fast enough for Victoria and the daughter of Misty's friend.
May whatever force you believe in-protect you until society changes. Hopefully in time to slow down these senseless acts of violence.

I'm Sure Going To Miss Him!

Outside of work during the past year, I've had very few opportunities that I have chosen to present as a guy.
Last night was one of the occasions. A few of my male family members and I went to a professional sporting event.
Everything was fine until we got there. We walked a couple blocks to the arena which is located in an upscale entertainment district. 
I became so jealous of the women around me in their heels and boots I couldn't stand it! I persevered and played the guy game until we actually went into the arena. Yes I knew the girls filled out their jeans nicely. Where the heck did they get them!
About half way through the game I had to use the restroom and went to stand in line with the guys. As I stood there I had the opportunity to reflect back on how easy it was to "alpha male" a rest room. Cute tricks like holding your half full plastic beer cup between your teeth (while you peed) always seemed to work.
Now I was feeling like a stranger in the men's room.
I thought "I'm sure going to miss him when he's gone". But he has already left and that is sad. I never hated him and to this day he takes care of me.
He's not gone yet, but we've become strangers in our own body.
He knew I would have been happier walking the streets to the arena in my own boots and jeans. He knew I could have watched the game with the same intensity.
He's knows the time is coming near to leave.
In my mind- I picture us in the same room staring sadly at each other. Finally he gets up and silently walks out the door. Never to return.
Choices in life are never easy and never fair-but necessary. This one is for the best.

Are You "Lady Gaga"?

Or is it really you in your Halloween costume?
Well girl, it is almost Halloween. The time of year for transgender and real sisters alike to strut their stuff.
It's our Christmas, New Year and Thanksgiving all rolled up into one glorious weekend. At the least, you can hit more than one party!
It's the party where the women are jealous of your legs, hair and makeup, and by the way, where did you learn to walk in those heels? Who did do your makeup?
It's the party where your guy friends either shy away from you or to you after a few adult beverages. How innocent is it when they run a hand up your nylon covered leg?
That's you isn't it? The witch in the low cut dress. Hanging with Count Dracula your golfing buddy? Will he ever look at you quite the same again after a few beers in the clubhouse?
The fun part is, you have so many ways to attend a Halloween party. You can wear a fun, sexy comfortable female costume or slut it up and go as a hooker. Remember girlfriends, those heels are very unforgiving after awhile and that short skirt becomes very difficult to be ladylike in all evening. Especially if you happen to get buzzed.(Yes, I've tried it)
OR learn from Le Anne's example (she is a follower here) She dazzled a party by attending as a Hollywood starlet. Everyone was amazed by her look and how she presented as a woman.  To LeAnne however she wasn't dressed in a costume. She was just dressed up! I paraphrased much of her comment but she makes an excellent point.
Your big party night can be a coming out bash for the girl in you.
Beware though, once you let her out and the compliments start rolling in-you may never be able to shut her in again.
Finally, be careful of thinking you are one heavenly creature and go to WalMart the next day in the same clothes.No one will be impressed with you in the heels and the mini trying to look like "Lady Gaga"!
Instead, take the compliments and build your confidence. Remember though,  many of them are saying you make a great looking woman...for a guy.
But that's OK! That's when the fun starts.
I'm sure you all have some great stories like LeAnne's! Be sure to share them with all of us!

Transgender Militants?

Lisa, Christina and baby.

Transgender people seem to be getting more and more press these days. From transgender high school and college students competing for homecoming queens and kings to "Ophra" chatting with  transsexual women. One of which had her sperm frozen and "fathered" her own baby.
Surely "sensationalism" has a lot to do with the upsurge. The difference today is that many of these forums provide the public with an understanding of the transgendered culture in an educational manner.
Referring to these people as "transgendered militants" may not be a totally accurate description-but close.
You and I both probably think of "militants" as angry protesters yelling about their problems. If you use "Andy Moreno" who was nominated by his friends as homecoming queen as an example, militant would be the last word you would use. Andy lives her life as a girl. As confusing that is to some, it wasn't to Andy as she explained why she should be allowed to run for queen.
The tag of transgendered "pioneers" probably is more accurate.  Decades after "Virginia Prince" went public with her "female" life, Christina (formerly Chris) is explaining how she went from a former Naval flight surgeon to fathering her own child in a lesbian relationship.
These transgendered people didn't have to step forward. They did with courage and dignity to inform a world about their lives. Pioneers indeed!
If you are on the inside looking out, locked into a room of no escape. All of this may give you a glimpse of freedom. Of course you hold the key to the door but spouses and families are on the other side. I don't have to tell you how difficult it is risking your whole life by going through the door. Been there.
Just maybe some of your loved ones are watching the pioneers and will have an understanding of your feelings.
So, if you are on the outside, be responsible. You too are a pioneer.
You will be talked about, just make it positive!
No, you just weren't on Ophra-but that person you just interacted with left with a positive feel about you.  She probably will tell her family or friends and one of them may know your spouse. The spouse who hates any thought of a transgender being in her world.  Maybe then, she will start to understand and the world as transgender people know it- will be just a little better.

Trans Girl-Too Far From Home.

This post is a re-written piece from last summer. It is more or less a work in progress that reflects some recent life changes!
The first time I heard "Bob Seger's Hollywood Nights", I knew exactly how he felt. The lyrics: "He knew right then he was too far from home. He was too far from home." burnt a hole right through me.
In your life I'm sure you've been on some very slippery slopes. Relationships, family or job issues made you feel you were sliding towards a very steep cliff.
I was there, on that cliff (with Seger) looking down on the lights of a big city. I'm a Midwestern boy too, but I went to New York City, not L.A.
Did you fall off your cliff and lose a spouse, a family or a job? I fell off my cliff too and lost my gender.
I know many of you have always known you were just that-a girl or a boy. Many of us however, did not have that luxury. I went through the first 30 years or so of my life fighting and then giving in to my female urges. During that time in my life, I was afraid to lose touch with my male side. My female side was scary but wonderfully euphoric and exciting. NYC, of course proved to be the perfect cliff for her to jump off of. Making the whole decision terrifying was a beloved spouse and an "Alpha" male side who had his fun moments too.
.
Within two months however, I experienced two defining moments that would set my life on a female path forever.
The first was a trans "mixer" of sorts I attended on Long Island . The real lady at the door wouldn't let me in until I proved I was a guy. "No single real women allowed!"
The second was a Halloween party I attended with a couple friends at work. It just so happened that one of them had two other tall female friends that were dressed as exotic as me! What an evening!
I knew then, I could never go home-even if I did move back to the Midwest. I didn't want too!
A couple years later I did move back to the Midwest but the cliff moved with me. Yes, I'm still falling -as I'm sure many of you are too!
Good luck with your cliff! I finally found there is a girl at the bottom waiting for me. You know, she resembles me a lot!
I hope you have someone waiting for you too!

Full Circle!

I enjoyed a special week this week.
I went out on my first date ever with a guy.  As I've written a number of times, as recently as a year ago I really didn't want much part of it.
The change in thinking has been gradual. When I did attract positive male attention, I accepted it as validation of how I looked.
As we all know, on line attention is 98% trashy. I've been approached by guys with sexual ideas I didn't even know existed. Most all are very sure if I'm transgendered I'm ready to jump into the nearest hotel room to fulfill their fantasies. Some are frustrated former crossdressers who live their fantasies through me and I really have no problem with them as such. As a transgendered girl, however I demand the same respect they would give to a genetic woman.
Every once in a while, a seemingly real guy surfaces. Not a hotel Romeo. Not really up on transgender life but is intrigued by my picture and profile. That guy came around about 6 months ago.
Very briefly we chatted about life. We exchanged emails and finally decided to meet in person.
Fortunately we made the plan only a couple days before, so I had less time to be really nervous.  How would I react? Could I pull it off? It turned out I didn't have to pull it off at all!
I carefully picked out an outfit that had some edge to it but was conservative at the same time. A basic top, long open sweater and my favorite jeans with flats. I felt I looked the best I could with what I had to work with.
We picked a place that I would most comfortable and I arrived a little early. (To try to calm down)
As I sat there, I remembered the first time I came to this place. My first trip out as a girl to a straight venue nearly 12 years ago and I was scared to death! As luck would have it one of the bartenders from that night was working and I tried to sit as close as I could to the seat I had. Indeed I was coming full circle. Scared on that first night to just be out and scared 12 years later on a date.
He arrived and we exchanged a hug and my first two impressions were that he was a good looking guy and a big one!
From that point, I didn't have to "pull it off". My natural inner girl just took over. My best description would be my male self was in a trance-and gone. She took over the controls and was doing what comes naturally.
She had served her time in the shadows and now was having fun.
Two hours or so went by in seconds it seemed. The euphoria lasted much longer.
Of course I had to talk to my BFF about the date! She is a genetic girl and listened with amused intent.She said "do you think he will call you again?" That's what real women deal with". Get used to it!
Well, he did.

Wrong Place-Wrong Time-Right Reason

You want to do what?
A very drunk guy who obviously had the alcoholic courage to approach me asked me that question.
He started with the usual "are you a guy or a girl" and proceeded to bore me from there. First I told him "if you were sure I was a girl you wouldn't have asked the question." If  I was a genetic female, I would have been highly upset.
By this time I was thinking-can he please be done? Leave me alone and find a new interest. In addition my bartender friend was starting to monitor the situation.
Of course, he wasn't done. "If your a guy, why would you want to dress like a woman" popped out of his mouth.
Before I go any farther, I would like to point out these are questions I would routinely answer from rational people.
My answer? "I do it because I want to and I do it because I can."
By this time, he was really starting to annoy me so I made the proper eye contact with the bartender and the adventure was over.
Later, when I was mulling over the incident in my mind-I thought it was a shame the guy had to be drunk when he asked those questions.
It is true it was none of his business. On the other hand, if we are ever going to educate people about transgender individuals-this is the way.  We are teachers every time we are in the public's eye.
I think most people have no conception of what being transgender is all about.
They knew that "Uncle Frank"used to wear ladies panties and they know who "Ru Paul" is. That's about it except for the great exposure we get on the "Springer" show. The burden falls on us to change some of that.
I believe it is changing for the younger generation and for me too.
When I first started living as a girl two or three times a week, the people who approached me were almost exclusively female. As time went on more men approached. Now, not much of any.
I have several theories.  I'm more comfortable in my female role. Humans are predators and will circle like sharks if they sense something is wrong. Better yet is the theory that people are learning transgendered people are just that-people.
I really hope that theory is the right one!
Realistically I know we have such a long way to go. In the meantime it is nice to think I might be following in the high heeled steps of some the transgender pioneers such as"Virginia Prince".
It's nice to be needed!

Transgender Survival Guide

Here is one many personal looks  into the funny and not so funny life on the gender divide! Enjoy!
It may be time to soften your look when-a little girl looks at me and says to Mom "Look Mommy at the big woman. The big MEAN woman!" At least she saw me as a woman.
You KNEW it wouldn't work but you tried it anyway. That mini skirt sure looked good on that teen aged girl. Not so much on you. In that big box store. In the middle of all those not so upscale shoppers with something to say.
Maybe YOU should have asked for her feminine hygiene product? You left yours in another purse. When the time came to pass another girl test I failed. Another woman asked me for a spare tampon. I couldn't tell if she was checking to see if I EVER really needed one, or if she really did.
She was only trying to help! Yet another restroom misadventure. Somehow I managed to get some TP stuck in my belt in a store restroom. As I left a woman said "excuse me mam". As I froze in panic, she said " you have a piece of paper stuck to you belt".  Relief turned to extreme embarrassment! Lesson of the day-use ALL the mirrors available.
I CAN'T go dammit! I finally get the magic invitation to go to the ladies' room from a girl setting next to me at a pub one night. My first such invite.I didn't have to go but couldn't turn down the chance. Upon arrival, in adjoining stalls I couldn't pee a drop and wondered if she noticed. If you don't know,  a woman's flow makes a very distinctive louder sound.  Without being too graphic, you have to aim straight down to duplicate. By the way the girl never said anything and we fixed our makeup and went back to the bar.
The ship goes down! My new beautiful boots on their maiden voyage. Hair flowing, tight tucked in jeans, low cut sweater doing my best to look good and sexy! NOT when I slipped and fell.. In a sports bar. In the midst of a predominately male crowd. I wasn't planning on leaving until then! No the boots were NOT high heeled stilettos.  A moderate wide heel is all that was needed to take a fall. There had to be a woman in that crowd that thought "why was that bitch wearing those boots anyway?"
I think I know what I'm doing? I was shopping for clothes when a well meaning clerk was positive I need help in selecting female basics. "This is a bra, these are some panties."  Really? I'm fairly sure I'm standing in front of you dressed totally as a girl so I might have an idea of how it happened!
It gets worse! One clerk told me " You need to cover up those big old legs" I calmly told her "at least you can cover legs, how about your figure?"
I've got you under my spell. Our eyes meet in a crowded room and we just can't turn away. Is it love or lust or just another clerk in a store. You guessed right-another clerk. I feel like some sort of hypnotist.  "Look into my eyes!" Oh wait, you already are! What now? I'm flattered, or scared?
You aren't flustered are you? Were you the bagger in the grocery store that lost all coordination and vocal skills as you bagged my groceries? I could just imagine what the female cashier said to him after I left. Poor guy was just trying to be nice when he volunteered to help take my groceries to the car! I was just wearing a long sweater, short skirt and flats. Doesn't everyone?
The fun part about this is, it's a continuing process. My part time girl life is never boring and lessons are never complete.
As you've guessed or already know, crossing the gender boundary and coming back is huge task.  What you take for granted isn't. What you don't take for granted is.
One thing is for certain. I will have plenty to add to this. In the mean time, thanks to all the well meaning good people I've met who have helped me on the way.

Before and After. Bill O"Reilly

Here is a little known picture of Bill O' Reilly in drag!

Every Once In A While

A transgender person comes along with a really new outlook on our experience. Just when you have been transgendered out with the usual "blah,blah,blah". Along comes Misty Hobbs.
She is a new follower (which I'm happy about!). At the least you can click on her picture and be connected with a tweet site. She combines all the girl stuff with comments like "Misty is appearing as a boy today!"
What a concept! Her boyself is allowed out by her girlself.
I know she has a blog and I know I've seen it! I even know I commented on her ideas regarding straight guys and transgender girls. (One of my favorite topics these days!)
As I battle short term memory loss-I have forgotten how I accessed her blog. Too many brain cells damaged by too many parties has impaired me!!!!!
At any rate, I'm sure she will check in and give us some extra info. 
I will tell you she calls her sites "Bad Tranny" and it doesn't even mean what you think-gutter dwellers!
There, I've teased you enough! Check her out!

Transgender Golfer Sues LPGA?

Yes it is true. The LPGA inserted a rule that stated a member "must be female" at birth to compete. Which leaves transgender golfer "Lana Lawless" in a real sand trap.
Lana (shown at right)  won the woman's long drive championship in 2008. Now she is reportedly suing over the ruling.
I wonder if she is on Tiger Woods' speed dial?

You Never Even Called Me by My Name!

Growing into a transgendered adult has taken many crazy turns. One of the craziest transgender experience has to be the name game.
My first female name was Karen.  She was a girl in Jr. High. I sat next to her in many classes. She never really knew how much I wanted to be her!
As my female self became more focused, Roxie was the name for me! The name represented an over the top girl and it didn't hurt that my last name was Hart. So it followed that I took the first name of one of the stars from  "Chicago" the musical. Nearly three years ago, major life altering changes came my way. I had an unprecedented opportunity to really check life as a girl. In needed a new name.Finally I chose Cyrsti-a kinder, gentler more complete girl. No it's not a derivative of my male name. I felt the name had a middle of the road female bounce to it! Feminine, but not overdone.
Names, however are only one part of the transgendered experience.  Take pronouns for example. Never in my life did I think "he" and "she" would play such a huge influence in my life. There is no better feeling than being in public and have a salesperson or others call me "she" with no hesitation. There is no worse feeling than being called "he" .Surely all transgendered people are acutely aware of how important two little words are to our culture!
Consider the "female/woman" or "male/man".nouns. Not as powerful as their "pronoun" relatives-but just as important. I try never to use "female" when describing myself unless I'm given no choice. No matter how many hormones or how much surgery someone goes through, they will never be a biological female. Having said that, I know many transgendered girls who are more woman than most of the females I know. That is a very long subject in itself.
The most difficult words of all to a transgender person revolve around the "trans" word. I have read thesis long ramblings about this subject! If a person is labeled a "transvestite" or a "transsexual" or anything in between, the fur will fly if the term is used wrong. If I'm in a bitchy mood, the easiest way to get the girls stirred up is to say "we all are crossdressers'.
Think about it in the most literal way. If you started life as a male, no matter what you do to yourself-you are still crossdressing. An idea that is certain to cause a major disagreement!
The bottom line to all of this is your feelings as a person. Ask a couple of the high school students who have been nominated or elected to home coming or prom courts as their chosen gender. No labels, they are just being themselves.
Consider the most positive word of all-the future.Maybe today's youth won't get to the place where they want to slap a label on every back.
Certainly the "he" and "she" words will always be important. Society needs them to function.
Just think though. How impressive would it be to allow the "you" word to rise to the top?

I Feel Pretty?

Former "Mash" star "Jamie Farr" is appearing in our area on a speaking tour.
One of our local TV stations ran a promo of Farr as "Klinger". The station even skipped the well worn "Aerosmith" song "Dude Looks Like a Lady"  and used "I'm So Pretty" as background music.
A great choice in that "Farr's" character was never really transgendered.
Of course I thought-how many times do I feel "pretty"? Or do I feel sexy more than pretty?
I guess sexy would be the answer. Not so much "stop a guy in his tracks sexy" but a deep inside feeling.
I'm sure your mind has a "greatest" hits memory of your life as a girl. It's very possible your best memories come from times when you wore a pretty dress and heels and felt wonderful! Deep down inside-under the pretty frills was the lingerie and hose. That was sexy!
My greatest hits are nearly all sexy more than pretty. I love the feel of my curves and hair. Even the curse of summertime heat and humidity is forgotten with the feel of a short skirt, freshly shaven legs, panties and painted toe's!
I'm sure a real girl feels much of the work to look good-is just that-work. On the other hand you see women who project sexy. They just carry themselves different.  Sexy doesn't have to be clothes and makeup. It's a mental feel.
I've written about my belief in "aura" which is an internal projection of self. I do my best to project female of course. My goal is to project a secure image of a sexually secure and comfortable person.
My guess is it's another example of how I never really wanted to be the "nice" girl I brought home to Mom.
It was much more fun to bring the other girl home! I so much wanted to be like her!

It's A Wonderful World?

Unless you live in a cave, or with me in a box under a bridge-you probably haven't missed the transgender news in several areas.

Transgender youth are making headlines as homecoming queens or kings in their chosen gender. The latest story comes out of Texas where transgender student "Andy Moreno" (shown above) was nominated for homecoming queen by friends.

When the school principal said no-Moreno protested. Rightfully so!
Transgender political candidates are stepping onto the political stage. One of the races in Oklahoma, pitts transgender  candidate "Brittany Novotny" against an ultra conservative opponent.
Being a resident of the Midwest, all of this has not been lost on me. This activity is NOT taking place in NYC or San Fransisco. All of this news represents a true "Gender Quake" in middle America-in society.
As a public transgender person the "Quake" helps me tremendously. Finally transgender folk have better public roles models other than "Jerry Springer" and slasher movies. People have an easier time seeing me as a real person.
Of course, in the midst of all of this you have in fighting in our own transgender group. A genetic female friend of my mine sent me to Calpernia Adams (shown below) website and was confused by the lengthy negative discussion of our own.
http://www.calpernia.com/ 

Basically the argument boils down to a cat fight between girls who have lived more life as girls to those who haven't and should any of us "cuddle up" to the male gay movement. Unfortunately, I was involved in nearly the same discussion in an on-line transgender site. It was prolonged and ugly as me without.makeup.
It seems the more life improves for us in the public-the worse it gets with our own? Shame on us!
Some of this proves again "You can put the girl in a man-but you can't take the man out of the girl." I'm sure Andy Moreno could speak to the fact that being a girl is so much more than looking like one.  Sure you can spend thousands to change your body to beautiful, but you can't spend any money to improve your soul!
Or all we bringing out the worst in women as former men?

 

 

 

Revelvation #200

Revelation is a big word, kind of like epiphany.
Experienced one this morning thanks to an acquaintance I was chatting with. 
He is one of the few on line guys I have met in person.
As we all know pictures only tell a small part of a story. He saw the rest!
As we chatted, he did mention that he would like to see me again which was nice. I also mentioned the need to get some fall pix together and he has some experience. As we talked about the pictures, I said they should be a realistic view of what I look like but of course the bad ones should never see the public's eye! Even his!
The bottom line was he said I looked nice and that shouldn't be a problem.  Don't really know if "looking nice" was a real compliment but I took it! LoL!
Perhaps the most important statement was when he when on to say I was a fun and nice person.
Realistically, that is the most important part of life to me.
But did I just get the "kiss of death" blind date set up?

Just Say Something?

In all my years hanging out in bars with the guys or alone as a guy-there were several times when I felt I wanted to approach a girl that was sitting close to me.
I have always been a reasonably shy person,plus my transgender background usually played a role.  Would the woman even want me to approach? I really don't like pushy guys and I expect most women don't either.
Usually, I took the easy way out. I kept ordering drinks to build my confidence to talk to her...and she left.
I'm fairly certain the same thing happened to me tonite.
I was finishing up my evening at a favorite pub watching the baseball playoffs  About halfway through the game, a guy grabbed the stool next to me and ordered the nightly beer special.
As the innings progressed, I noticed he switched to mixed drinks and was ordering when I was. Then-I left.
I will never know if he was "tracking" a transgendered "Cougar" or if the whole situation was a just part of my imagination.
Maybe that's the best part!

What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mama Raise?

Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us.
Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.
All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons.
The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did).
The second would be is how much I look like her.
How many of you believe your Mom knowingly  or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world?
I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out.  I would bet you my brother doesn't!
The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know.
Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.
My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts.
She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance.
She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like!!!!!!

Paranoia!

On occasion (believe it or not) the old noggin goes on blank mode.
Do I want to write about the same old happenings? The agony of defeat when I don't present correctly-or the thrill of victory when I do?
NO! How about some good old fashioned paranoia. As Crosby, Still's and Nash would say "it's like looking in your mirror and seeing a police car."
Paranoia comes in different doses of course. Last night I was certain I looked just as I wanted to! Boots and Jeans. Nice soft mid waist low cut sweater and a whole bunch of red curls. God I thought I looked great!
Then reality crept in. Almost the same look in the same crowded sports bar and BAM-I get busted.
Hey, it didn't happen last night. I guess the police car wasn't really in the mirror! I was safe warm and happy!
A totally different paranoia struck me down at work today when a couple fellow working peeps started talking about a guy with eye makeup.
The police car was in the mirror and I quickly headed to the restroom to see if it was me.
It wasn't and the police car turned to chase someone else.
I know what you are thinking. Come on out girl! Grow a pair (or lose them).
When you feel soooo good as a girl-why not do it full time?
Can you teach an old dog a new gender?
We all know you can and I might.
In the meantime, life goes on a step at a time, in work shoes or high heeled boots.
Wow. If I did go full time, how long would I see that police car?

Oh No She Didn't!

Really?

"Cassandra Cass" pictured here is a star in San Fransisco and recently has been added to Showtime TV's new midnight show "Wild Things".
This "Wild Thing" was born "Casey" in Des Moines, Iowa 32 years ago and has reportedly spent 150 grand to be the girl she is today.
I knew that SRS and cosmetic procedures were expensive but WOW that's a lot of cash!
Go to her "Flickr" site to see what 150 grand will buy! I wonder which "sugar daddy" bought it?

A "Fault" in the Gender Quake?

The other day, I overheard a conversation from a mother accepting a personal phone call at work. (Against the rules.)  She explained it away by saying she was going through a divorce and it was her 10 year old son calling.
The boy, it seems was a little nervous being alone after dark.
Of course I flashed back to my youth and thought how much hell I could raise in the extra time alone. No way I'm calling them!
Did that make me any more of a boy than this kid? Was I more of a male because I couldn't wait to get my license and a car? Today, it seems it's not a huge priority for guys.
We all know the answer-no it didn't make me more of a boy.
But I still wonder if the vast amount of single females raising boys- opens the door just a little more for boys to explore feminine things?  What's a Mom to say if her son comes home and wants a manicure and pedicure so he can win a "womanless" beauty pageant?
Mom's thinking-what's the harm and Dad's not there anyhow to go WHAT? Plus, we all know there would never be a revenge factor in a messy divorce! Here Dad-isn't your son so pretty? BUT:
OK, girlfriends this is how I really feel.
We are either destined to be female at birth (true transsexuals) or we are exposed later in life to something that leads to a transgendered experience.
Society has finally advanced to a point where all of this is more acceptable. In my generation, being alone as a boy at the age of ten was OK. I had my parameters and if I screwed up-I paid. If I was a girl of ten that would have never happened. So, I'm glad gender lines are blurring. It's no secret, younger females are beating the boys in most everything except major sports and the guys do make the prettiest girls in gay bars! (And some beauty pageants!)
The lesson in all of this? I need to quit eavesdropping on other people's conversations!