Success Equals Confidence

 

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

As with anything else in life, when you are successful you want to try harder to replicate your success.  

An example happened way back in the day when I played with friends on a local softball team. One game we were behind in the last inning by one run when our team had the last at bat. To make a long story short, my best friend and I came up with back to back home runs to win the game. For several days, months and even years, we had bragging rights because of the back to back home runs. While I was never a good hitter, at the least my brief success helped me to forget how much I wanted to be sitting with the girlfriends and wives who were watching from the grandstands and concentrate on doing better when I batted.

While I was never able to achieve the success I experienced that night, I did other times under different circumstances. When I reached a point when I began to explore the world as a cross dresser or transvestite, I had a very difficult time with my appearance. I knew I wasn't in any sort of way a "natural" and needed to work very hard for any success I had when I left the mirror and ventured out. Many times I was stared at and even laughed at behind my back. Even with all of the negative feedback, I was able to have enough positive filter it's way in to keep going. Whatever success I found equaled substantial confidence. 

I discovered there were feminine privileges such as when I went Christmas shopping for my second wife one night at an Oak furniture store in Columbus, Ohio. I wore my nice black pantsuit. sensible makeup and blond wig. Then I discovered the perfect gift, a Oak bookcase but wondered how I would ever load it into the back of my SUV.. When I gathered my courage to go to the sales counter and pay, I was amazed to see two young men waiting to load my purchase for me. I thanked them profusely and was on my way back home. I knew my male self wouldn't have any problem with unloading her gift which she loved. 

The problem I then began to experience was I was gaining too much confidence too quickly. Every free moment I was planning yet another trip into the world. I was rapidly becoming a novice transgender woman which put me at direct odds with my wife. She didn't mind my cross dressing but hated any idea of me taking my gender issues to another level and start hormone replacement therapy. The final chapter of the story was never written because she suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack. I will forever wonder what would have happened if she had lived. I know my success at living as a transgender woman was deeply ingrained and the problem we faced as a couple was similar to being between a rock and a hard place.

Most certainly, gaining confidence in living as your authentic feminine self is one of the most powerful accessories you can have. Much more powerful than that favorite dress or shoes, confidence can help you face the daily world with success.    

Transgender Qualified

Image from Andrea Buccelli 
on UnSplash...

 How does one finally get to the point where they can move around in society as their authentic selves. Obviously it takes a lot of work before you can graduate.

In addition to becoming proficient in the feminine arts such as makeup and wardrobe, we trans women or men have to play gender catch up because we did not have the chance to experience growing up as a girl or a boy. There was no one to interact with on life issues such as how we look or how we deal with the opposite sex. Not to mention how our parents treated us. I am sure my Mom would have put so much more pressure on me if she had a generic daughter rather than a transgender child she never had the chance to accept. 

I only tried to come out to Mom once when I was in my early twenties and out of the Army and was roundly rejected. So I never tried again. To be fair, her generational bias was strong and information on gender issues was difficult to come by. Mom was firmly entrenched as a "greatest generation" person with an upbringing during the great depression and WWII. I am fond of saying they were long on providing and short on emotional support. Very certainly, dealing with gender issues was an emotional subject and I never received any.

As far as being qualified to feel as if I was transgender, I needed to transition again in my life. As I always say I considered myself a very serious cross dresser or transvestite but became very intrigued about the idea of being trans when the word began to be used. I started to seriously begin to watch the people around me who identified as transsexual to see if I fit in and more importantly follow the same path. During my search I was very shallow in my approach. The individuals I was beginning to interact with were very attractive and I was intensely insecure about my feminine appearance. In those days, I only thought appearance qualified me to be transgender or however I identified. Little did I know, there was so much more.

It turned out my destiny did not lead me to any extreme gender realignment surgeries. I finally became secure in the knowledge gender was between the ears and sex was between the legs. Plus with the help of an entirely new set of cis-women friends, I was able to come out of my gender shell and flourish as my new transgender self.

I think any "qualification" to be trans is a totally mental process which involves complete confidence in yourself. The process can take many years or then again, less time, depending upon the individual. I am always very pleased to meet a younger LGBT or transgender person who has set out to make a life for themselves. They won't have to wait through a lifetime of struggle to live as their authentic selves. Plus the younger ones seem to be more politically active which is something we all desperately need. 

Sadly, as I always bring up, the fight to maintain our authentic gender selves continues right up to our death. Recently I had a reader mention they needed to put in their will how they wanted to be referred to at death. Hopefully, it will be enough to stop the gender bigots in the family from taking away hard fought gender rights when it matters most. 

Gender Preview

 

Image from Edward Howell
on UnSplash

For nearly a half a century (sounds old!), I considered myself a cross dresser or transvestite as it was known back in those days. 

Depending upon the so-called dressing cycle I was going through at the time, I thought I was just pursuing a more or less innocent hobby, all the way to wondering if I had a more serious gender issue. The main problem I kept having was no matter how good I felt following my cross dressing, very soon I was back in my gender depression. I even considered for a time my wanting to be feminine was an addiction which would go away if I could fight it long enough. The fight just ended up in me "purging" or throwing away my feminine clothes and vowing to go totally male again. 

"Purging" is not a new concept in the novice transgender community and depending upon the individual  doesn't last very long. None of my "purges" lasted very long before I sought out the mental relief of dressing as a woman. During my time between "purges" I was still learning the basics of how I could enable myself to appear better when I approached my mirror. Slowly but surely over the years, I learned the basics of making myself up so I wouldn't appear so clownish. But, most importantly, I grew up in my wardrobe choices and away from trying to dress as a teen girl when I had the testosterone damaged body of a man. 

Slowly but surely I kept on going on my gender path until my ultimate goal began to come into focus. Once it did, it presented more issues than promises. It seemed all the time I worked so hard to present positively as a woman was working out. When it all came together and did, the question became then what. What if I could carve out a life as a transgender woman? Similar to several of the friends I found in the trans community. If they could make it, why couldn't I? Of course the answer wasn't that easy as I had family, friends and finances to consider. So, in the meantime, I kept treading water waiting to see what would happen with my gender future. The entire process almost pulled me under the water as I tried to exist in the middle of the two binary genders, male for three days and female for four. 

Following a suicide attempt, I knew I needed to choose a gender and my preview years came along to help me greatly. Early on, I was just basking in the glow of the mirror and experiencing gender euphoria for a short time. It was similar to the difference between lust and love in a new relationship. Once lust wears off, the true work of building a relationship begins. When I compared all of it to what I was feeling as a novice transgender woman, my gender world began to come into focus. I was building what it really took to live in a female dominated world. 

One of my final considerations to transitioning was I felt so natural as my feminine self and just didn't (and never had) as my male self. I so wanted to take away the three days a week he had of my life and give them to my inner woman who was gaining so much confidence. 

It turned out my gender preview worked for me, even though I wish now it didn't take so long. As I figured out life is very unforgiving and you only have one chance to make it a success. I took the chance and destiny made it the correct one. I learned there was never time to cry over spilled makeup. 

   

Letting the World In

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Today I have two meetings I need to attend to. 

The first is a LGBTQ Veteran's support group session I haven't been in awhile. The reason I haven't is because I have been going to (virtually) the special ten week group meetings which concentrated on the overall impact the VA (Veteran's Administration) has had on my life during the span of my dealings with them. I make no secret of the fact I have been satisfied with my experiences. In fact, I consider my VA therapist to be one of the top influences in my life as I attempted to transition fully to a transgender woman. 

She, my therapist, was front and center for me when I needed help with starting my hormone replacement therapy all the way to when I needed help changing my legal gender markers in the VA system. This goes back over a decade ago when transgender veterans were not so well known in the system and many were not respected. So, I will be interested how many of the "regular" attendee's will continue to come to the meeting which as I said, restarts this afternoon, 

Also today and much more challenging will be the monthly meeting of the Alzheimer's group of Greater Cincinnati's diversity council. I will be challenged this time because the meeting is across town and is an in person event. Mainly because one person wants to look everyone "in the eye" as she talks to them. As we all know, looking someone in the eye is a major priority anyhow for any trans woman or man who is trying to make their way in the world. Shying away from making eye contact is one sure fire way to quickly lose respect. I don't really think the "eye contact" woman had me in mind but we shall see.

The whole meeting also has brought up two other other concerns. The first of course is appearance and I have been obsessing for quite some time on what I am going to wear. I decided on going casual with a light sweater and my new jeans which will pair up nicely with my canvas "camo" bag. Of course I will need to spend time on my makeup and make sure my long hair is properly pulled up and back. I keep reminding myself, I am a volunteer and a very rare one at that. There are very few LGBT persons willing (or able) to step forward and help and even fewer transgender ones. 

The other challenge for me will be the drive across town in the infamous Cincinnati rush hour traffic. I still don't know my way around yet and will have to rely heavily on my "Google Maps" app to get me there on time. Fortunately,  I can leave early enough to give myself plenty of time to arrive. 

Letting the world in sometimes is not potentially the easiest way to live  But it is the best way to explore being trans in the world while being around new people. Plus it is certainly one of the most beneficial ways to show others we are just similar to so many others. It is the true transgender day of visibility. 

A House of Cards

Image from Angshu Parkait
on UnSplash ...

For most human beings living a life with no severe downs is very rare. Most live a life with some sort of ups and downs.

In many ways, I was fortunate enough to live long enough to have seen many severe ups and downs during my life. I went through possibly a thirty year period when I could say I was leading a good positive life. Even when it came to my gender issues, I was living on the transgender edge but still managed to walk the tightrope and keep my all important marriage afloat. Looking back on the process, all I was doing was building a house of gender cards. 

My cards I was playing included all the times I went behind my wife's back to explore living as a woman. I was living large each time I presented well and was able to get by when I went out. I became the person in the family who did a portion of the grocery shopping, all the way to becoming a veteran shopper in certain venues. Through it all, no matter how excited or secure I felt about being a successful serious  cross dresser or transvestite, I was just playing more cards I didn't really have. At times, I even gambled and played them very recklessly.

I did crazy things such as flashing semi trucks on the interstate when I adjusted my mini skirt up my leg to it's limit just so I could validate myself as a woman. It took me quite an amount of time before I could outgrow this portion of my life and become a more or less secure novice transgender woman. In the meantime, my house of cards grew and became less stable.  Little did I know, I was headed like a runaway train down a track which would end in failure.

What began to set off my failure was the arrival of death in my life. Since my parents had passed on before as well as several other close family members, I thought I had some sort of handle on how to deal with the finality of death and dying. I had no idea of what I was going to face when my house of cards came crashing down. The crash began when I had several close friends pass away. Adding to the impact was the fact I didn't have many to begin with. Plus, it was during this time, my second wife passed away quite suddenly leaving me no time for grieving and/or closure. As my world tumbled, I was a hot mess and wondered what else I had to lose. 

It turned out, I didn't have to wait long to find out. In the middle of a crippling economic recession in the old Ohio rust belt town I lived in, I lost my restaurant I owned and fell behind on my house payments. Perhaps the worst part of it all was the fact I somehow deserved all my problems. Out of all the friends and loved ones I had, why was I the only one left standing.  Why?

Once I met my wife Liz over twelve years ago, she began to help me rebuild another, much more secure, house of cards. Hopefully one which is built to take on the ups and downs of life. At the least, with my gender journey mostly behind me, I won't have that portion of my life to worry about. I can now commit more deeply to enjoying my life as well as the life of loved ones around me so my current house of cards can continue to be stable. Until the end.  

From Dreams to Reality

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Very early in life, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I never told the truth. I would fall back on the politically gender correct answer and say the usual such as a lawyer, doctor etc. The reason I say politically correct is because how I really wanted to answer was with the truth. All along I wanted just to be a woman when I grew up.

I do think, at the time, I did know what a difficult proposition being feminine was all about. Primarily against my will, all along I was becoming more entrenched in a male lifestyle I never wanted. When I was being the square peg being pounded or forced into societies' square hole, I hated it. Even then I put up a brave front and liked the popular male things such as sports and cars, in reality I wanted to be the kid with the new doll baby at Christmas rather than the BB Gun I was gifted. But, life went on along with a pending meeting with the military along with the Vietnam War. I outran the war as long as I could. Finally it caught up with me and I enlisted for three years in the Army, rather than being drafted and insuring me a sure date with Vietnam. 

I dreamed of pursuing a goal of pursuing my early career in the radio broadcasting business while I served my military service for my country. Sure it was all a long shot but the long shot suddenly became a reality with the help of a local congressman whose radio station I worked for. With his backing, I was able to work a year in Thailand for the AFTN Radio and Television Network and then against all odds, managed to end up in Germany working a year and a half for AFN or the American Forces Network Europe. In doing so I was able to experience new cultures on different continents while I tried to keep my eye on the goal I couldn't seem to lose, the desire to be a woman.   

As we approach Halloween season, it is important to note how important Halloween was to me. Primarily because the parties I attended in "costume" as a woman allowed me to experiment on how far I was advancing  my feminine presentation and more importantly could I exist in the public's eye as my dream  woman. I have plenty of posts I will be sharing as we come closer to the actual day of Halloween. 

Spoiler alert, of course I finally did overcome all my doubts of ever being able to live out my dream but found I still had a long distance to go on my gender journey. Every time I think I was making progress, I found I still had so much farther to go.  As destiny directed me, I painted myself into a gender corner I couldn't delude myself to continue. I was ready to take the final step and live my dream of being a full time transgender woman. No more of just thinking I was just a weekend cross dresser, I needed more.

When I did, the final step was till more scary and ambitious than I ever imagined. I still remember the day I gave what was left of my male clothes to the thrift store and resolved to never look back on my old male life. No more just hiding behind my cross dressing until I could escape back to my comfortable world of male privileges. Through it all, my HRT or hormone replacement therapy helped to alter my male body enough to help my difficult attempt to present convincingly as a woman. 

From dreams to reality, the long twisting gender experience was worth it. My lifelong dream was a true one and I learned I was not making anything up. I was living how I wanted. 

Letting the World In

Image from Adrianna Geo
On UnSplash...

Recently, in one of my Veteran's Administration LGBT support sessions I have been attending, the moderator mentioned we weren't coming out as much as we were letting people in.

The idea resonated with me and I have used it extensively recently. Even more so when I considered adding it to my post from yesterday when my daughter included me in a group of her women friends who were attending a drag show. Even though I was extremely new in my explorations in the world as a transgender woman, I decided to go along. No matter how scared the whole idea made me feel. The problem was I had always thought I had carefully planned my progression within the gender labels I was dealing with at the time. In other words, for the longest time I had considered myself a cross dresser or transvestite even though (deep down) I didn't feel as if the labels fit me. 

When I was procrastinating with my gender development, people such as my daughter, my wife Liz and friend Kim were prepared to propel me quickly forward. I guess they saw more potential in my feminine self than I did on occasion. Plus, there was always my old male self to deal with. He was holding me back as he didn't want to lose what was left of his existence. Understandably he still controlled a few very important facets of my life which I could not let the world into. Those facets included my employment and interaction with friends or family to name a few. He was stubborn and very difficult to overcome so I had a tendency to try to go slow. 

Over the past several posts I have written about how going slow went with my daughter. When I summoned the courage to let her in to my true world, she went all in to help me. First with an invitation to go shopping, to a visit to her beauty parlor/salon for my first hair styling experience and last but not least, an exciting but scary night out with her girl friends. If I was going to be a woman around her, I learned quickly it was time to put my male self on hold.

The pattern continued with my friend Kim who invited me to an pro-football game with her and her family. Again, I hadn't been living as my authentic self very long and ended up wearing my old ill-fitting wig and out I went to the game. Sure, it was scary but I will forever remember Kim for the kindness she shared with me when I needed it the most on my gender journey. In addition, she really propelled me out of the closet and let the world in. She saw me as the true person I was.

Perhaps the person who propelled me the farthest ahead was my wife Liz. When we first met over twelve years ago, I still had a few basic ties intact with my old male self. At that point she told me one day why didn't I transition the rest of the way as she didn't see any male in me. I had finally reached the end of my transgender journey. There was no excuse to even consider continuing to live at all as my old male self.

With the wonderful help of the people I mentioned, plus others I didn't, my gender journey was put on hyper speed after years of going so slow. Once I let the world in, they came and conquered. 

The Original Girls Night Out

The Rubi Girls

Over a space in time, I have written about the girl's nights out I was fortunate to be invited to. During each one, I learned tons of information about how cis-women interact by themselves when there are no men in the group.

Last night it occurred to me I had forgotten perhaps the most important night out with women which I had ever experienced. My excuse is, it happened such a long time ago. Just after I came out to my daughter who immediately began to explore ways to get me more situated as a transgender woman. This time, she came up with the idea I should go along with her and her girl friends to a glitzy drag show in Dayton, Ohio.

The drag show was actually put on by a very entertaining group of female impersonators called the "Rubi Girls". They are still together to this day and have raised well over a million dollars over the years for AID'S research. They have been performing since the 1980's and I had heard about their legendary shows but had not ever made it to one...until my daughter stepped in.

It turned out the drag troupe had closer ties to my daughter's family than I had ever imagined. So close, my oldest grandson had one of the Rubi's as a fourth grade teacher where he went to school. Thanks to a remarkable amount of diversity back in those days, the teacher was a fully out gay man being allowed to teach. Further more, after I let my three grandchildren into my world, my fourth grader came home from school one day and announced how proud he was that the teacher and his new transgender grandparent were the same. Then my daughter need to explain the differences between the two of us. Which she gladly did. Diversity at it's finest.

At the point of going though, I wasn't thinking about the warm feelings involved with my new found family diversity as I was thinking about how scared I was to go at all. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my daughter or myself in front of her friends. As we prepared for the evening, my daughter even prepped me on the other women in the group to try my best to steer clear of. After what seemed like forever, the night rolled around as I obsessed on what to wear. I only remember now I just wanted to fit in with the suburban chic fashion my daughter and her friends were wearing. I also remember being very quiet and speaking only when I was spoken to. Again, because I was so scared. 

The whole evening really served to kick me out of my gender closet. I had it coming because I opened up to my daughter about my reality and she followed through in a big way. I survived by putting on my big girl panties and doing the best I could to enjoy the drag show. Looking back, after I was able to breathe, I think I could even be a little proud of myself for my accomplishment. In my mind at least, I felt I had made another giant step from being a cross dresser, all the way to achieving my dream of living as a transgender woman. In other words, I reached down and just pulled the band aid off as quickly as I could to preclude any pain.

Since my daughter owned a big van, she drove that night and for some reason I have never asked her if she had any negative feedback from any of her friends. If I remember, someday I will have to ask because I was just trying to act as if it was the most normal thing to do. When in fact, the whole evening was my first girls night out.

Confidnece

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Collection
Ohio River in Background

Perhaps the most important and the most fragile accessory we can add as a transgender woman or trans man is the confidence to be ourselves. Positivity gives us the power to move forward on our gender paths. 

In my case, confidence was hard earned and still remained very difficult to hold on to. The problem was it seemed as if every step I took forward as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite if you prefer), I would fall back two steps by doing something wrong. If I had the appearance of the presentation down perfect, then I would trip and fall in my heels which I was still attempting to learn how to walk in. To make a long story short, confidence was fleeting because this was the portion of my cross dressing life when I was still trying to dress too sexy and it turned out to be just trashy. I was learning the hard way to dress for other women, which allowed me to blend in and not cause unwanted attention.

When I arrived at the point when I began to effectively blend in, I became more grounded with my feminine presentation. When I did, I was able to gain more confidence and then attempt to communicate in the world as a transgender woman.  Sadly, my new found freedom was so fragile, I could lose it without much warning. I was always ready for pushback from the public. With someone laughing at me or worse yet inquiring which gender I really was. If the truth be known, I still feel the same way today. The difference is today, I am better situated mentally to take care of any attacks by a transphobe or a TERF. I know who I am and it is none of their business. 

In my overall presentation I think hormone replacement therapy has helped me greatly. The changes in my gender hormones over the years have helped me to change my way from the old unwanted male body I so disliked. My skin softened to the point my facial features became more feminine along with the rest of my body including the hair I have been able to grow. The whole process has enabled me to move with more confidence in the world. 

Speaking of more confidence, I recently saw a news story which said the Department of Defense or Pentagon was now going to make it easier for LGBT Veterans to have their less than desirable discharges reversed. Just having an Honorable Discharge is huge when it comes to being able to claim many veteran benefits and increases their confidence. Many of the discharges came during the ill-fated "Don't ask, Don't tell" military program. Hopefully many if not all of those who are trying to upgrade their discharges will be aided by this new program. I know my Veteran's Administration hospital has had an initiative to help LGBT vets upgrade their discharges for awhile now. 

My final VA ten week group session is coming up, so I should be able to find out more then. In the meantime, it is important to note confidence is earned not given. The more you live as your authentic gender self, hopefully the easier it becomes. Human's are like sharks and can smell blood in the water if anything is wrong. Just make sure you are not bleeding in the water and life will become easier.

It Takes a Village

Virginia Prince
in her later years.

Does it really take a village to allow a transgender woman or trans man to fully let the world in so they can express themselves? 

For me it did but it took years and years for me to advance to the point in my life when I could live the trans life I always just had dreamed of.  On this blog, I write long and often concerning how isolated I felt during the pre-internet and social media years. Putting it bluntly, there was no village at all to help me along.  Those of you in my age bracket know what I am talking about. It wasn't until the Virginia Prince and "Transvestia" publication years did I feel there were any others in the world with gender issues similar to me. Maybe I had a village after all.

As I explored this new and exciting village, ironically I found I still didn't fit in with the village. Primarily because there were very few who still felt the same as I did. At that time I felt more serious than a casual cross dresser (or transvestite) but not as serious as one of the few transsexuals who attended who were on the path to having their own gender realignment surgeries. Plus, I found out (as I had suspected) there were other than all heterosexual members in the group as too much action was happening behind hotel room doors. The whole process showed me the village I had discovered was quite diverse which continues to this day.

The life I led directed me to be a loner on the gender path I was following. Sadly, my best friend became my mirror or other mirrors I encountered along the way which I wrote about yesterday. It wasn't to become much later in my life that I was able to discover others who I could form a village with and live as my authentic transgender self. It wasn't until I advanced out of the appearance crazy mode I was in as my feminine person and move into a more realistic idea of how a cis-woman has to go through life. It was a very difficult process to change gender gears and leave my old male life behind. 

As I finally let my inner feminine self out of her closet, she essentially did the rest. She chose the friends I am still indebted to for showing me the way to a better life when I needed it most. Gone were my lonely days of staring longingly into the mirror. I wasn't quite confident enough to not be petrified of certain situations but I was getting there thanks to the fact I was learning so much from the small village around me. 

Looking back, it most certainly did take me a village to build a new person essentially from scratch. What I thought I knew I didn't and what I learned was so exciting, I couldn't wait to see what was around the next corner. Anyway I cut it, it took a village to help me reach my lofty goals as a transgender woman and I have so many others to thank for helping along in the process.  

The Right Fit

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archive

No matter of all the trials and tribulations I went through on my long and eventful transgender journey, I still felt as if everything was the right fit for me. 

Included were all the dark nights when I first began to attempt to test the public as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite). Predictably, in many occasions I was stared at, all the way to being subjected to outright laughter. One time even, I caught one couple trying to take an unwanted picture of me. I call this period of my life, my mirror time. 

Along the way it seemed all I was doing was moving from mirror to mirror seeking the validation of who I really was as my feminine self. In stores, I would always try to seek out well placed mirrors so I could selfishly admire myself. Even to the point of going to the big remodeling/construction box stores so I could look at myself in their selection of mirrors. Through it all, I was slowly building my confidence to come out of my gender shell and face the world. Predictably, I started with store clerks and worked my way forward to others who would actually try to interact with who I was. With my experience in the restaurant/bar industry I knew the benefit of becoming a regular at the bar. I learned the benefit of being hard to forget was a benefit when it came to being remembered. By saying hard to forget, I mention it in a positive way as I tried hard to never be the cause of any negative feelings and always tipped well.

The more I tried to explore the world as a novice transgender woman when the term began to be used, the more I knew it was the right fit for me because I felt so natural once I moved past being so nervous in my new life. I tried more and more venues until I learned (the hard way) which ones I was not welcome in. Ironically one of the first places I felt unwelcome was in a male gay venue where I was treated as a drag queen and had to struggle to even get a drink. The whole scene ended up being beneficial because it sent me back to the bar food/sports venues I was comfortable in. And it was long before I was accepted in several of those and loving my new life. Definitely I had found the right fit, for the time being.

As I was essentially living my dream, deep down I knew the next step I wanted to try was hormone replacement therapy. HRT was not a given for me because of my age and I needed to secure permission from a doctor. I was healthy enough and received a prescription to begin a minimum dosage of Estradiol pills and a testosterone blocker. I couldn't believe the changes which started to happen almost immediately. I knew again, without a shadow of a doubt I had found the right fit as I went through my own version of  a feminine  puberty. Even with the unpleasant hot flashes I experienced the remainder of my body developing as well as my emotional changes were welcome. All of a sudden, I was more subject to moods and I cried for the first time in my life. I even felt temperature changes and my sense of smell became stronger. 

All the radical changes I was going through, proved to me how I had done the right thing by starting HRT. Perhaps my body just was waiting for me to find the right fit my entire life. 

Gender Control Freak

Image from Radu  Florin
on UnSplash

 During my old male life, I admittedly let many things slide.

Primarily, I was not much interested in or put much time into how I looked. The overall sameness in what the male wardrobe had to offer me, just didn't seem to matter. I yearned for the brighter colors and the ever changing fashions the girls or women were able to wear. The process was especially painful during the times when the women who worked with me at one restaurant position I had were able to dress up in their semi formal dresses and appear so beautiful, when I was stuck wearing a restrictive tie with a suit. On those party evenings I was able to dull a portion of my gender pain with alcohol. 

Later on when I was more able to experiment with feminine fashions, I learned just how much work I never considered went into how a woman looked. Of course there were the basic passing privilege all cis and transgender women have to deal with. We all have to deal with and make the best of  what mother nature (or our parents) gave us. Two cis women in particular come to mind when I look back on examples of perfection. For the evening their makeup to jewelry all the way to dress and shoes were on point. The example they set was one I wanted to follow as a trans woman.

The whole process I needed to follow to get there turned out to be far from easy. Not only did I have to attempt to look as good as the women I admired, I needed to take the extra step to look better. I had farther to come and more to prove to accomplish my gender goals. Plus, I desperately wanted to be the one who was being admired for being well put together fashion wise. The entire idea was made even more difficult because I was trying to succeed on a very limited budget with a wife who was not entirely accepting. Through it all, I managed from excessive thrift shopping and saving what money I could to put together what I thought was a passable fashion statement. 

I was helped also by my love of boho fashion trends which took me back to my old hippie days. If I was successful with my thrift shopping, I could find the ideal vintage jeans and/or jeans skirts to really jump start my outfit. 

The difference between what I was doing as a advanced cross dresser (or transvestite)  and my male self was again in the fashion details I needed to follow. In fact, I made it to the point where I could afford to send my work shirts to the dry cleaner to make sure they looked good, while at the same time was concentrating on my feminine appearance. I think one helped the other as I look back on it now. 

To this day, I never made it to the point of being a control freak on anything. Probably the closest I come is making sure I have some sort of a transgender related daily blog post. Most of my ideas come from watching the world around me and relating it to my gender. Often it is a difficult process and I value you all coming along for the ride. I can't thank you enough. 

Mourning your Past

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Is there ever a time when you miss your old gender self? 

Do you miss your old male privileges which seemingly gave you more rights?  Remember the old days when you survived with the myth of more intelligence and less mansplaining in any conversation with a man. While I remember the shock of my first times of interaction with a group of men who essentially were ignoring me, on the other hand I thought somehow I had arrived in the place I wanted to be. I was experiencing first hand the loss of the privilege's I had fought so hard to accumulate in a male world I didn't like. 

No matter how much you enjoy your new life as a transgender woman or trans man, possibly there could be times when you miss the good times? On my end, it is very rare when I miss the "good old days" which weren't so good. 

On a recent interview with a Veterans Life Insurance representative I experienced a brief glimpse into my past when I needed to explain my gender situation with the sales person. For the sake of insurance, since I have not undergone any gender realignment surgeries, I had to tell the person I was still biological a male,  even though I lived as a woman. Through the confusion, the only person who really suffered was my daughter who was rudely interrupted by an insurance call which referred to me as a "he". Since she has a transgender child and a is a fierce ally of the trans community, she was not happy. So I ended up calling the representative and asking what she was doing calling her at all. 

Other moments of surprise and a bit of shock occurred during the times when I had my personal safety challenged. The first time happened during a party I was attending in Columbus, Ohio with my second wife who was strongly opposed to the mini skirt I was wearing. Her fears for me materialized when during the party a huge cross dresser admirer cornered me in a narrow hallway. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel powerless about my body until I was rescued by my wife and he freed me. 

The second major time happened one night when I was leaving a late night urban gay venue on a lonely, dark street in Dayton, Ohio. As I clicked down the sidewalk in my high heels, I was suddenly approached by two men. Again I felt totally powerless and on the edge of panic. That night I was lucky when I was able to use my last five dollar bill and they went away to my relief. From then on, I learned my lesson and always tried to park in close well lit parking lots. The old days of just having more personal security were over but I knew they had to go.

Overall I looked at the whole privilege changing time as a challenge and one I needed to conquer. Through it all, I had no time or will power to mourn any of my past. The only time I have twinges is during football season when I remember a few of the intense past experiences I went through when my second wife (a big fan too) attended all the biggest The Ohio State Buckeyes football games. Admittedly most  were memorable times I would not trade like the birth of my daughter which I was present for. 

Being part of the two binary genders has made me an overall better person. Mourning was just a part of my life as is it is a part of any other life. I view the process as a plus as I tried hard to leave my old male past behind and begin a new life as a transgender woman.    

Gender Misfits

Image from Bruno Guerrero 
on UnSplash

I know I am speaking to the choir here when I point out how alone we all felt concerning our gender issues early in life.

Those of us of a certain age vividly remember the days before the internet brought the world closer and social media made it easier to contact like minded transgender individuals. Or I should say cross dressers and/or transvestites were included also. Suddenly, a whole new world was available to us.

In the meantime, there was so much we needed to figure out on our own. Without any sort of a peer group to help us with our clothes and makeup, often the process of adjusting to the world took longer. So, the feeling of being a misfit became very ingrained. I know for the longest time, I deeply felt all of my gender problems were of my own doing. How else could I explain the differences I felt with everyone else? Long story short, I couldn't and often my feelings left me deeply depressed.  How could I ever move through my life.

Somehow I made it through this very unsure time of my life. The problem was I was usually unable to seek out any long term friendships. Outside of a very few exceptions, I had very few friends in the new, larger high school I transferred to from the small rural school I previously went to. Plus, as far as girl friends were concerned, it took me until the end of my junior year to have my first date with a girl at all and that one was basically set up by people I barely knew. I was being set up for a friend of theirs's for the prom that year. Once again, I felt as if I was a misfit and should be the one wearing the elegant gown and be the one receiving the flowers. Even though I was scared to death, I made it through the evening and even ended up having a fairly good time.

Even with the first big date with a girl out of the way, I still felt as if I was still a misfit. I stayed in my very small group of friends who were mainly into sports and cars which enabled me to keep the bullies away. At least if I was a misfit, I was a protected one. 

Amazingly, when I went away to college, my desire to be a girl hit an all time low...for awhile. Of course, just when I was feeling like I was able to shake my misfit status, the old feelings came back. Before I knew it, once again I was cross dressing as much as I could and I was still feeling as my old misfit self. 

It wasn't until much later in life when I was able to fully accept myself as a transgender woman. When I did, the whole time I thought I was a misfit was wrong. I also discovered transvestite mixers and support groups where I met others with similar gender issues. The whole process enabled me to discover where I belonged on the gender spectrum. Meeting others was all it took to take away all doubts of me being the one who was a misfit. 

I just wish it didn't take me so long to come to the realization society was made up of misfits and not me.

Into the Fire

Actual Image from Bar-Mitzvah 
Liz on left, daughter on right.

 Shortly after I let the world into my gender closet, I had to hitch up my new big girl panties and get in the game. Under big time fire. 

What happened was, just after I came out to my daughter just happened to closely coincide with my oldest grandson's Jewish Bar-Mitzvah. Little did I know at the time how closely I would be involved.

What happened was, since I was one of the grandparents, I actually had a small part to read at the formal ceremony at their temple.

Fortunately, I had plenty of experience in public speaking from my old radio days so I wasn't afraid of getting back up in front of a crowd of people. Plus, I thought, how many people would show up anyhow and this would be my first chance to interact with many strangers for the first time as a transgender woman. No pressure, right????

When the time quickly rolled around, I was surprised how many people showed up for the ceremony. The rows of pews quickly were filling up along with my anxiety. What would all the strangers think of me and especially, what would my grandson. Finally, it was my turn to speak my part of the ceremony and there was no turning back. Naturally I was petrified and tried to hold back my panic. To make a long story short, the presentation I gave went by in a split second and nobody in the audience seemed to pay any attention to me anyhow as far as my gender presentation went.

After I was tossed into the fire, I was warmly greeted by the Rabbi who welcomed me into the ceremony plus, later I had the opportunity to meet her again at the party which was held afterwards. Of course the party was my chance to wind down and relax following my brief but intense place in the spotlight. 

On the way home, when I could finally breathe again, I marveled on how completely I was accepted by my daughter's new religion. I'm far from an expert on the difference in Jewish faith's but I think her temple is part of the Reformed Jewish religion. Since that time, I have been easily accepted by all of her in-laws, so that must be the case.

When I thought of the entire occasion later, I came to the conclusion of when you are going to jump into the fire, do it all the way. 

And finally, the best part was my grandson seemed to be really proud of me for participating as my authentic self.  Lesson learned from being a good role model.

I don't write it nearly enough, but thanks to all of you who stop by to read my writings. Your input makes it all worthwhile!

Camera Ready?

Local Alzheimer's upcoming Schedule

 

Today is one of the rare days I have dual appointments with my Veterans Administration providers. 

To attend all my virtual VA appointments, I was sent a tablet which is only for VA use because my old lap top I use for blogging somehow did not work well enough for the system I was working with. Ironically, it seems to work well enough for other online or virtual appointments I have had with the Alzheimer's diversity committee I serve on, so I don't know what the problem is. Plus I have a virtual Zoom class coming up in a week or so with the Cincinnati Council on Aging, so hopefully my old lap top will hang in there.

Regardless, I always have to make myself look presentable as possible. At the least a fresh shave, eye makeup, and lipstick is a must along with brushing back my long hair. Sometimes, I tie my hair  all the way back. The issue I have with the tablet is it provides only a thumb size image to work with. Then again, the days my gender dysphoria is kicking in,  I don't really want to be seen anyhow. The tablet provides me with the next best thing. 

I need to point out also, the VA keeps very strict standards on how someone should look during the virtual visit. In fact, during one of the LGBT group sessions, one participant who decided to attend in a bikini received a call from the moderator and was told to change. Plus, I know for those of us who are under mental health care also, how you look goes into our file. Seems a bit radical to me but I of course don't set the rules. My guess is, if your provider sees your appearance dramatically slip, it is a warning sign.

Also coming up fairly soon will be my chance to make myself available for my yearly blood labs for my nurse practitioners who keep track of my overall health. I have an in person, local visit scheduled with one of them in October. Before then, I have another Alzheimer's diversity committee scheduled for the latter part of September. It is in person All of which have kept me on point when it comes to thinking ahead on my appearance. Already I have been thinking about what I am going to wear.

All in all, it doesn't seem possible time this year is flying by as fast as it is. All too soon it will be time for my birthday to have come and gone and then be time for my wife Liz's operations in late October. Time to quote my Mom again...Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.  

Friends

Friends! Nikki in middle and 
Kim on right...

 Despite of all of my early successes (along with failures), when I was experimenting so alone with being a cross dresser, the fact remains the friends I made later in life proved to be the most valuable experience of my life. 

Even though I had arrived on many public stages on my gender journey, it seemed there was always another major step to take. After all, I had gone through the difficult steps of sneaking out the door of my gender closet and into the world but the process just taught me I still had so far to go. I somehow needed to find away to develop as a full fledged transgender woman. To do it, I needed to take the plunge and seek out public acceptance. 

I began similar to so many back in those days. I explored several on-line dating sites which were still relatively new. Predictably, I was a dismal failure on the sites. To try to do better, I would change how I approached the dating world. On a few places I would advertise as a woman seeking woman (then tell them in my profile I was transgender) while on others I would post a woman seeking men profile. Over all I failed miserably with just a few responses who actually showed up at venues of my choice to meet. Most of them just stood me up and didn't show at all. One less than memorable night, I even had a guy show up and want to wear my panties. 

Amazingly, I did strike success when over twelve years ago now my wife Liz answered my woman seeking woman ad on a dating site. Following writing back and forth on line nightly I finally gathered up the courage to talk to her in person. The problem was, I was afraid of how my voice would sound over the phone. Through it all and eleven years later we were married. I guess you can say I believe in long courtships before I got into my third marriage. Mainly, it was my daughter's doing because one day she suggested why don't you two just get married and we did. For you new regulars to the blog, I should mention Liz is a cis-woman (born female) and identifies as a lesbian. Our first date was a drag show and the rest is history,

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention several other cis-women who accepted me into their world and taught me so much. Through my entire life, I thought a woman's acceptance of me would basically just include helping me with my appearance. The idea was blown away when my first fiancé helped me to cross dress one day. I was not impressed with her efforts which came back to haunt me later when she tried to "out" me to the world. Lesson learned and I took responsibility for my own feminine appearance. What I didn't learn until much later were all the other factors which went into being a successful transgender woman. Ironically, my second wife told me I had no idea of the feelings I would have to develop to learn what she was talking about.

Phase two of my attempt to pursue my own coming out just occurred when I began to visit my favorite sports bars as my new authentic self. In a relatively short period of time, I was able to meet two other women whom I was able to bond with and we had a great time. It was with them I learned more of the essence my second wife was trying to tell me about. I learned I didn't really need a man to be validated as a transgender woman and went on to build my new life from there. I owe them all so much and will forever be indebted to them.

Through my life, I have always had a difficult time finding who I considered real friends. Friends are a learning process to me and I did learn so much.   

Increased Anxieties

Image from Sydney Sims
on UnSplash

When I reached the point where I considered coming out of my gender shell and pursuing a life as a transgender woman, my anxieties went up considerably. 

Possibly, the main issue was just surviving in a new world. Everything was different than I supposed it would be when I experimented as a cross dresser or transvestite. The main difference was I was attempted to insert myself into a new world without the benefit of my old male privilege's I had worked so hard to acquire. When my status was in doubt, I couldn't just bluster my way through and had to finesse it. Especially when I found myself in conversations with other men. When my car broke down one day, I found out the hard way how dramatic the gender change could be when the sheriff who responded along with the tow truck driver refused to listen to me regarding how the best way it would be to get the car back to my house. I finally had to just shut up and play the dumb blond. Even to the point of asking ridiculous questions about how the wrecker worked to the driver when we were heading back. 

Looking back, perhaps the only thing which was really hurt was my male ego who all of a sudden was shut out of my life. 

Through it all, my anxiety continued to build along with the pressure. As it increased for me to be successful on the stops I made on my new gender journey. By stops, I mean  the times I tried to slow down my male to female gender transition to reflect on all that I had learned. It was difficult because I was so eager to attain the next step I was seeking. I shouldn't have worried because huge changes were looming ahead which would make me terrified to go forward yet so excited not to. As the cis woman (born female) friends I began to know, told me so knowingly, welcome to their world.  Any time for reflection I had earned had to be learned on the fly.

As I added layer upon layer of experiences when I went public, adding communication was the one I write about the most. Learning how women uniquely communicate among  themselves was a challenge. I discovered women use a whole different form of talking when men are around or not around. Also, non verbal cues became more important to me as I found myself without the old male privilege of safety. As a man, I could take my personal safety for granted, as a woman the opposite was true. In fact, on several occasions pure eye contact with other women kept me out of possible trouble with men. It certainly took me awhile to learn the new nuances of communicating in the world as a transgender woman. 

The other issue which caused me extreme anxiety was the decision to begin HRT or hormone replacement therapy. I knew before I even considered starting the medications, I would need approval from a doctor which wasn't a given due to my age since I was in my sixties at the time. Plus, if that wasn't bad enough, I knew the changes I would go through would make it impossible to ever go back in my world to my my old male self. Since I was already diagnosed with high anxiety and was on bi-polar meds, this did not make my life any easier at the beginning.

Once I started the hormones though, I knew I had done the right thing. I calmed right down, developed in all the right places and went all out to establish a new life. In addition, as I started to feel at home adjusting to female privilege's, I earned my right to play in what I called the girl's sandbox.  

These days of course I still have anxieties and worry too much but I can say none of my problems come from my solved gender issues. A welcome relief.

The Trans Process

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Archives

Even though I write often concerning wanting to be a girl over the hated boy I had no choice over, the process just wasn't that clear cut.

I mean I didn't wake up one morning thinking Hey! I want to be a girl instead of the boy I was made to be. It was a process. The whole deal was beginning a sixty year (plus) gender journey. The path began innocently I thought,  with explorations through my mom's clothes and makeup to see what I could fit into and how I could look. At many points on the path I needed to process which stop signs I would obey and which forks in the path I should follow. It is important to note, not all paths were successful and I needed to backtrack many times. In fact, some of the stop signs I ran resulted in dismal failures and I needed to gather myself, get back to my cross dressing drawing board and get back in the game.

Often I wonder why I tried so hard to trust the process and try even harder on key issues I was facing such as my presentation. The answer is actually fairly simple. When I pursued and trusted the transgender process at every turn, the more natural I felt. I somehow knew deep down I was on the right path even though I had made some mistakes when I followed it. 

One of the important points to note is, no one sees the trans process, they just see the end result. You will get no passion points from most people who were not present when you were struggling as a novice cross dresser with your appearance or how you walk or talk. They weren't there to see the tears you shed when you failed or to be much of a peer influencer when you failed in your mind. Fortunately, the world has changed slightly in our favor with plenty of makeup tutorials and even entire chains of makeup stores to help us all survive in the world. But even still, all they see is you. No matter if the final product is the final product at all.

The disconcerting fact concerning the trans process is, it never seems to give up. Even in the final stages of our lives we face severe challenges to simply living as our authentic selves. Examples include being forced into a non forgiving assisted care living facility. As we know, it only takes one uncaring care giver to make a life miserable for an LGBT person. This extends all the way until death when gender bigoted family members refuse to honor our final gender wishes.

I suppose the most positive way to look at a lifetime of following the trans process is...at least it was never boring. All the times I was excited, yet petrified to follow my path will go down as some of the best and worst times of my life. 

Even though I have often questioned why I was somehow chosen to live as a transgender woman. Deep down I knew I had no choice.

Moving too Fast

 

Image from UnSplash

There were times during my transition when time moved so slow but then again other times went all too fast.

Most of the slow times involved the periods when I had to wait to cross dress again and again seeking precious small amounts of gender euphoria. I needed them to hold me over until the next time I could stare into the mirror and visualize my feminine self looking back. Improvements at the time were painfully slow. It seemed they only happened to just barely keeping me afloat in life. It turned out to be a decades long project to resurrect my true self which went into forced hiding many years before when I was a misunderstood youth. I was forced by society into being a boy when all I really wanted was to be a girl.

Sometimes I think I was fortunate to have survived the slow times in my life when I was so frustrated with my very limited chance to express myself. The very few chances I had were often dismal failures such as when I talked my fiancé into dressing me head to toe as a cross dressed woman. First of all, I didn't think she did that good of a job and the whole experience came back to haunt me when I entered the military. To satisfy her paranoia about me serving, she told me to tell the draft board I was gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but I wasn't and I was not ready to out myself to the world. So out she went. I was prepared to face a long slow three years in the military (Army) by myself. 

It turned out, the three years I served did go by very fast. I was able to experience different cultures when I was stationed in Thailand and Germany. I was even able to come out of my gender closet very briefly to let a few close friends into who I really was. Ultimately I owe the three years to allowing me to meet my first wife who is the mother of my daughter who accepts me totally and giving me the chance to utilize much needed Veterans Administration health care when my business failed and I needed it most. 

The period of time when I signed up with the VA which entitled me to low cost bi-polar medications  and ultimately my hormone replacement therapy was a blur. Not only was I going through a very dark period of my life when I was losing nearly everything, I was exploring an exciting but terrifying time of life when I seriously began to live finally as my transgender self. Initially I set out to live a isolated self as a novice trans person, it proved impossible. I had always been a social person when I left high school and I found I still craved human interaction. My interactions started innocently enough when I began to be recognized as a regular at several of the venues. From there destiny did the rest. One of the bartenders who always saw me by myself set me up with her Mom who I still know today. Another social contact happened one night when another woman sent me a note down the bar. 

At this time, my life began to speed up, I was learning more and more about what my new life could be like. The women I was with showed me so much and I always say , I owe them so much. Without their input, I would have taken literally years longer to achieve my goals of living as a transgender woman. There were times I thought I was moving too fast but eventually determined the feeling was just because my old male self was being threatened with losing everything he had worked so long to accomplish. 

Very quickly I did catch up and look back at that time of my life as one big blur but the outcome was wonderful. 

On another sidelight...it's nine eleven. Never forget!!!!!

Insistence

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives

I found out long ago, living my desired lifestyle as my authentic feminine self would involve tons of insistence. 

First of all, I needed to insist I needed all the practice I could come by in front of the mirror as I attempted to perfect any sort of a new gender appearance. It meant sneaking around the prying eyes of an inquisitive younger brother as well as hiding from my parents who I knew would never understand. Slowly but surely my insistence paid off and I improved my appearance. Little did I know, it was only the beginning of an extremely long life time journey.

Through it all, I needed to insist on continuing my journey no matter how difficult the process was. If I was ever discovered, the push back would have the potential to be tremendous. I could lose my friends, family and job, almost immediately. As the pressure mounted, I still needed to move forward down my path to move from a part time transvestite or cross dresser all the way to living fulltime as a fulltime transgender woman. 

Insistence was also the key during my early days of exploring the world as my true self. I needed to face all the stares (and even laughs) I was getting from the public. I ended up learning the hard way how the mirror could and was lying to me. I needed to repeatedly go back to my wardrobe and makeup drawing board until I achieved more of a success. 

Then, I learned the hard way, how my successes would lead to needing more insistence for success on my part. I was petrified the first several times I was forced into one on one conversations with other women. How was my voice going to sound and what would I say were my primary worries. At the beginning, I resorted to trying to attempting to mimic the pitch of the woman I was talking to and as far as what I would say, I would simply just respond to whatever questions were asked of me. I don't know how well it worked but it was all I had. Finally I was forced to improve and began to develop who I would be as a transgender woman as I began to interact with the world.

Even still, whatever was going on, I needed to insist with some people I was feminine, not masculine. To this day, I have to correct the pronoun usage used with me by strangers. I am fortunate because I have two powerful gender allies with my wife Liz and my daughter Andrea (who also has a transgender child). Often either of them will lead the conversation for me calling me "she".  That way strangers who may question my gender have an idea of who I am. 

What makes everything so difficult these days are the continuing attacks on the LGBTQ and primarily transgender community by a certain political party not called Democratic. In fact, the party has outlined a platform for 2025 which would be the beginning of the end for trans women and men everywhere in this country. A prime reason all of us have to unite against the gender bigots now and in the future.

One of the positives is our tribe has been trained to be insistent and will survive in the future.

Being Better

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

Always attempting to be better than the next person was always part of my life. 

Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. If I received "B's" in a school course, my grade should have been an "A". If I made sports team, why wasn't I a starting player? These were just a few examples of how life went. I can't ever remember hearing an encouraging comment like way to go from my parents. Similar to so many other aspects in life, I figured it was normal and went on. Little did I know how being better would come back to haunt me later in life.

As I doubled down on my cross dressing efforts again I found nothing I did was good enough. The main problem I had was I was always playing catch up to the other women. They all benefitted from growing up around a peer group which judged them with basics such as makeup and wardrobe. Of course I needed to learn all of it on my own. 

Perhaps one of the most frustrating aspects of the entire transgender process was not only did I need to learn the appearance process on the fly (with no help), when I ended up going out in public, in order to survive I had to be better than the women around me. Perhaps one of the bigger compliments I ever received from my second wife came when she actually asked me to help her with her makeup one night when we were going out. Although she never said it, I knew I had somehow arrived in her eyes as a person who knew her way around makeup. 

It turned out, I was only scratching the surface. Before I utilized the benefits of hormone replacement therapy to grow my own hips and breasts, I resorted to silicone breasts and foam hips to give me a more feminine form. I simply wanted to be the attractive blond woman in the bars I frequented. It worked as I was noticed in a few of the lesbian bars I went to, as I was approached my other women much more masculine than I was. My confidence soared and I felt as if I was finally making in roads into looking better than the next woman. Even though I was transgender. Then it occurred to me I had to be better to just survive as trans. 

Through it all, my natural upbringing kicked in and I thought being better was just part of the game. After all, any cis woman could throw on any old shirt and jeans and go out and no one would question her gender. If I did the same, I would be busted or clocked instantly for being a man in a dress. As unfair as it was, I understood because I had been living with the rules my entire life. In other words, I was up to working harder to achieve my goal of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Which was becoming harder and harder with each step forward I took. I always understood women led a vastly different gender life as men but I didn't understand how much until I set out to prove I could do it every day.

I was primarily blindsided by the communication aspect of feminine interactive conversation. I needed to learn the basics of reading  someone's emotions through their eyes and not their words. Plus, let's not forget the power of a woman's passive aggressive nature. Too many times I remembered trusting another woman only to be stabbed (or clawed) in the back. The whole process taught me  quickly I needed to get better. A feminine public presentation was one thing but being allowed to play in the girls sandbox was another. 

In remembering my post from yesterday, I still need to remind myself of who and where I am as a trans woman. Just a small thing as a smile turned out to be a huge deal. But I was used to knowing I needed to be better. Picked myself up and went from there.

Just Smile!

Image from Vicki
Hladynets on UnSplash

 Even though one of the first things I learned when I began to experience the public first hand as my feminine self was everyone was looking at me, sometimes I still forget the consequences. 

This morning I was reminded.

It happened when I went with my wife Liz to one of her doctor's appointments. While I waited, I was facing the receptionist and was oblivious to what was going on until I looked up and she was looking at me. The mistake I then made was instead of immediately smiling my hello at her, she smiled at me first. The whole process took me back to an incident I had years ago with a young girl when I was shopping in one of my favorite clothing stores. The girl ran around a rack of clothes and all of a sudden we were face to face with each other. I must have scared her because the next thing that I heard was Mom, look at the BIG woman. I thought well at the least she didn't mis-gender me, until she said the BIG MEAN woman. I then realized I needed to make a major change in my feminine presentation.

The change I needed to make was how I used my facial expressions. Here I was putting all the effort into my makeup and wardrobe, then I ruined it all by keeping that old male scowl on my face. Especially with other women, I was immediately outing myself as a cross dresser or transvestite. I certainly needed to change the way I was presenting myself to the world. Especially since I was discovering more and more I needed to deal with both genders differently. Specifically in the women's restroom I learned if I led with a small smile in my presentation, it was exactly how the other women did it. Also, it was all right to lead with a smile because I wasn't dealing with the old confrontational world I had to live as a male. I resolved to make my smile a go to effort with other women I encountered and it worked. Even though they may have considered I was transgender, if I smiled first, they didn't consider me a threat. 

Perhaps this morning, my excuse was I hadn't had any coffee yet so it was early and I was grumpy. It doesn't matter. I should have never forgotten one of my basic rules of presenting in public. As a woman (transgender or not), we are always on stage and need to remember it. Men bluster their way through life while women finesse it.  Just another example of how the rules change when you cross the gender border. 

Sadly, no matter how hard I try, sometimes I have a tendency to slip back in to old ingrained male habits without even thinking. Back in the old days, I could simply stop people from interacting with me with a look. The difference now is I want to invite them in as a woman but only if they are another woman. I didn't this morning and I feel bad.

The positive is I realized it and smiled back hoping to manage any damage, Plus, I will have a chance to see her again during the next appointment. Certainly. I will be sure I make the first move and smile with a hello.

It's All a Dream

 

Transvestia Cover from
the year I graduated 
High School

When I began my gender journey years ago, little did I know many of my dreams would become a reality. 

In the midst of being so young, all things were possible but at the same time impossible. Here I was so all alone in my very dark, isolated closet thinking I was the only one in the world who wanted desperately to be a girl. I would be years away from my first "Transvestia" Magazine where I learned there were actually many others like me called transvestites. Plus, from that point forward, I had other cross dressers to compare myself to. After all, there were so many others who looked wonderful and I could only dream of looking like.

Then, "Transvestia" opened the door to more one on one interaction with other transvestites by publicizing social mixers I could actually attend because some were close enough geographically to be there. I did go and was exposed to a whole new world I never knew existed. There were cross dressers trying to hide their feminine side with cigars and cowboy hats (way before the Urban Cowboy movie) all the way to the impossibly beautiful transsexuals' who I couldn't believe were ever male at all. Through it all, I still had the impression I did not totally belong in either group. I could dream of looking as good as the second group I mentioned, but getting there was going to take me quite a lot of work. 

Ironically, the mixers led me to networking myself to smaller groups of like minded individuals in Columbus, Ohio which was a much shorter drive to where I lived but far enough away I would not be recognized as a version of my male self. Back in those days, he was standing directly in the way of all my feminine dreams and making any progress difficult to maintain. In many ways, he and my second wife were allies against my authentic self who so much enjoyed the new interaction she was having at the small parties she was attending in Columbus. Those attending again included anyone from cross dressers admirers to lesbians to transsexuals headed for genital realignment surgery. I was able to learn from them all and wonder what future path my life could take. Following the parties, I would spend days daydreaming of the next one and would I be able to get time off of work to actually go. With or without my wife who was normally the only spouse who attended the small mixer. I could sense the whole evening was not enjoyable for her.

As much as my gender daydreaming threatened to disrupt my everyday life during the days following the party, I still found time to do my job well. As well as dream of my next move. Which was could I ever think or dream of considering a life as a full time transgender woman. The term was just being coined at the time and to me it meant a new freedom from the old belief transsexual's needed to complete their gender surgery, sever all ties, then move away and just disappear. Perhaps there was hope for me yet.

Through the small sliver of hope I maintained over the years, it was true I could have the life I had always dreamed of. I was able to carve out a life in what I considered to be a feminine dominated world. Gone were the days of trying to please my old male self with how I dressed and in came the days of dressing to blend with the majority of the women I encountered in the world.  It all led to me considering and beginning hormone replacement therapy and really changing my life away from my old male self. Basically as far as I could without surgery. 

What I really learned through it all is if you can manage to live long enough, life is but a circle and some dreams can come true if you can stay the course. Which essentially what happened to me.