Moving too Fast


Image from UnSplash

There were times during my transition when time moved so slow but then again other times went all too fast.

Most of the slow times involved the periods when I had to wait to cross dress again and again seeking precious small amounts of gender euphoria. I needed them to hold me over until the next time I could stare into the mirror and visualize my feminine self looking back. Improvements at the time were painfully slow. It seemed they only happened to just barely keeping me afloat in life. It turned out to be a decades long project to resurrect my true self which went into forced hiding many years before when I was a misunderstood youth. I was forced by society into being a boy when all I really wanted was to be a girl.

Sometimes I think I was fortunate to have survived the slow times in my life when I was so frustrated with my very limited chance to express myself. The very few chances I had were often dismal failures such as when I talked my fiancĂ© into dressing me head to toe as a cross dressed woman. First of all, I didn't think she did that good of a job and the whole experience came back to haunt me when I entered the military. To satisfy her paranoia about me serving, she told me to tell the draft board I was gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but I wasn't and I was not ready to out myself to the world. So out she went. I was prepared to face a long slow three years in the military (Army) by myself. 

It turned out, the three years I served did go by very fast. I was able to experience different cultures when I was stationed in Thailand and Germany. I was even able to come out of my gender closet very briefly to let a few close friends into who I really was. Ultimately I owe the three years to allowing me to meet my first wife who is the mother of my daughter who accepts me totally and giving me the chance to utilize much needed Veterans Administration health care when my business failed and I needed it most. 

The period of time when I signed up with the VA which entitled me to low cost bi-polar medications  and ultimately my hormone replacement therapy was a blur. Not only was I going through a very dark period of my life when I was losing nearly everything, I was exploring an exciting but terrifying time of life when I seriously began to live finally as my transgender self. Initially I set out to live a isolated self as a novice trans person, it proved impossible. I had always been a social person when I left high school and I found I still craved human interaction. My interactions started innocently enough when I began to be recognized as a regular at several of the venues. From there destiny did the rest. One of the bartenders who always saw me by myself set me up with her Mom who I still know today. Another social contact happened one night when another woman sent me a note down the bar. 

At this time, my life began to speed up, I was learning more and more about what my new life could be like. The women I was with showed me so much and I always say , I owe them so much. Without their input, I would have taken literally years longer to achieve my goals of living as a transgender woman. There were times I thought I was moving too fast but eventually determined the feeling was just because my old male self was being threatened with losing everything he had worked so long to accomplish. 

Very quickly I did catch up and look back at that time of my life as one big blur but the outcome was wonderful. 

On another's nine eleven. Never forget!!!!!