Gender Control Freak

Image from Radu  Florin
on UnSplash

 During my old male life, I admittedly let many things slide.

Primarily, I was not much interested in or put much time into how I looked. The overall sameness in what the male wardrobe had to offer me, just didn't seem to matter. I yearned for the brighter colors and the ever changing fashions the girls or women were able to wear. The process was especially painful during the times when the women who worked with me at one restaurant position I had were able to dress up in their semi formal dresses and appear so beautiful, when I was stuck wearing a restrictive tie with a suit. On those party evenings I was able to dull a portion of my gender pain with alcohol. 

Later on when I was more able to experiment with feminine fashions, I learned just how much work I never considered went into how a woman looked. Of course there were the basic passing privilege all cis and transgender women have to deal with. We all have to deal with and make the best of  what mother nature (or our parents) gave us. Two cis women in particular come to mind when I look back on examples of perfection. For the evening their makeup to jewelry all the way to dress and shoes were on point. The example they set was one I wanted to follow as a trans woman.

The whole process I needed to follow to get there turned out to be far from easy. Not only did I have to attempt to look as good as the women I admired, I needed to take the extra step to look better. I had farther to come and more to prove to accomplish my gender goals. Plus, I desperately wanted to be the one who was being admired for being well put together fashion wise. The entire idea was made even more difficult because I was trying to succeed on a very limited budget with a wife who was not entirely accepting. Through it all, I managed from excessive thrift shopping and saving what money I could to put together what I thought was a passable fashion statement. 

I was helped also by my love of boho fashion trends which took me back to my old hippie days. If I was successful with my thrift shopping, I could find the ideal vintage jeans and/or jeans skirts to really jump start my outfit. 

The difference between what I was doing as a advanced cross dresser (or transvestite)  and my male self was again in the fashion details I needed to follow. In fact, I made it to the point where I could afford to send my work shirts to the dry cleaner to make sure they looked good, while at the same time was concentrating on my feminine appearance. I think one helped the other as I look back on it now. 

To this day, I never made it to the point of being a control freak on anything. Probably the closest I come is making sure I have some sort of a transgender related daily blog post. Most of my ideas come from watching the world around me and relating it to my gender. Often it is a difficult process and I value you all coming along for the ride. I can't thank you enough.