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| Image from the Jessie Hart Archives |
For the longest time I resisted the idea there were two of me. A male and a female side.
The further I went in completing a MtF gender transition, the more obvious it became I did indeed have two sides to my being. I had a male side I needed to desperately protect to even exist in the world as I knew it and a feminine side. I worked hard to cover any signs I was feminine at all and for the most part all my efforts were successful. Through my love of attempting to play sports and work on fast cars, I was able to hide.
One way or another hiding became impossible as I gained confidence in trying to head out of my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. The whole process was very scary yet exciting and my feminine self turned out to be exceedingly patient and giving with the process. She stood by as I grew through my teenaged cross dressing years and managed to arrive at a place where I could at least blend in with the public the best I could.
Then, she stood by me in my communication years when I took on the world one on one as a transgender woman. Looking back she most likely knew the truth. If she bided her time, she would win eventually and being able to fully take over my life. Taking all of that into consideration I found as she was taking over, she had always been the best part of me. My parents had always tried to raise me with a strong moral compass and when I was able to come out and live an authentic feminine life, all my truth could be out for the public to see. Naturally when I did finally come out, I felt so much better about my life.
The deeper I began to live as a transgender woman, the more I found the less I needed to do. What I mean is, my feminine side had been waiting so long for a chance to fully live, she was happy to take over and show me the way. She happily took to the guidance and knowledge she learned as she went all the way from "girl's nights outs" to lesbian mixers with friends. It was quite the process. Through it all she found she could be the best person possible since she had learned from both sides of the main gender binary spectrum. It wasn't as if the male person was bad, the female person could be better. Plus, as I always point out, my feminine side very much benefitted from positive cis-woman friends who showed her the way.
Maybe it is an unfair comparison because my feminine side had such a longer time to grow and observe what my male side was doing wrong. But on the other hand, she had to go through the frustration of waiting to come out. By doing so, she had to face a dual edged sword. She benefitted from the male mistakes I made but then had a chance to be the best part of me when the wait was finally over and she could live our truth as a transgender woman.
