The Best Part of Me

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 For the longest time I resisted the idea there were two of me. A male and a female side. 

The further I went in completing a MtF gender transition, the more obvious it became I did indeed have two sides to my being. I had a male side I needed to desperately protect to even exist in the world as I knew it and a feminine side. I worked hard to cover any signs I was feminine at all and for the most part all my efforts were successful. Through my love of attempting to play sports and work on fast cars, I was able to hide.

One way or another hiding became impossible as I gained confidence in trying to head out of my dark lonely gender closet and explore the world. The whole process was very scary yet exciting and my feminine self turned out to be exceedingly patient and giving with the process. She stood by as I grew through my teenaged cross dressing years and managed to arrive at a place where I could at least blend in with the public the best I could. 

Then, she stood by me in my communication years when I took on the world one on one as a transgender woman. Looking back she most likely knew the truth. If she bided her time, she would win eventually and being able to fully take over my life. Taking all of that into consideration I found as she was taking over, she had always been the best part of me. My parents had always tried to raise me with a strong moral compass and when I was able to come out and live an authentic feminine life, all my truth could be out for the public to see. Naturally when I did finally come out, I felt so much better about my life.

The deeper I began to live as a transgender woman, the more I found the less I needed to do. What I mean is, my feminine side had been waiting so long for a chance to fully live, she was happy to take over and show me the way. She happily took to the guidance and knowledge she learned as she went all the way from "girl's nights outs" to lesbian mixers with friends. It was quite the process. Through it all she found she could be the best person possible since she had learned from both sides of the main gender binary spectrum. It wasn't as if the male person was bad, the female person could be better. Plus, as I always point out, my feminine side very much benefitted from positive cis-woman friends who showed her the way.

Maybe it is an unfair comparison because my feminine side had such a longer time to grow and observe what my male side was doing wrong. But on the other hand, she had to go through the frustration of waiting to come out. By doing so, she had to face a dual edged sword. She benefitted from the male mistakes I made but then had a chance to be the best part of me when the wait was finally over and she could live our truth as a transgender woman.

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.   

Power is Fleeting

 

Image Courtesy Markus Winkler
on UnSplash

Transitioning from male to female in the world is an very specific way to understand the basics of gender power. By power I mean gender privilege. I know it didn't take long for me to experience the loss of my male privilege's.  

First of all, learning to present as well as possible as a woman was sort of a double edged sword. Of course being able to get out of my closet and live feminine was a new, exciting yet scary experience. And, being able to be accepted as a woman in a group of men taught me several immediate lessons. One night, somehow, I don't remember why or how I became part of a conversation between myself and three other men. Immediately and predictably I was ignored and my opinions discounted simply because I was there to start with and feminine in looks. I thought at the time, so this was how my life was going to change more dramatically than I thought when I began to feel comfortable as a transgender woman in public. Then, there were the times I was approached because I was transgender and appealed to a certain kind of man. Sadly, many times I faced only fitting into a sexual adventure with them and nothing else which never appealed to me. 

I think overall these days many men are panicked about being men in the classic sense.  Perhaps it is part of the reason an overwhelmingly amount of old white men are attempting to erase any or all of the very few transgender rights. Down deep these men are threatened by strong women and trans women by nature are the strongest of all. Because we had to be to survive. All along as we transitioned, educational and employment opportunities became very rare. Plus these were a few new of the gender lessons we had to learn made us a tribe full of survivors.  As I said, I learned my lesson early when I gave up my hard earned male privileges to live as a second class gender citizen in the mind of many men. I was fortunate in that I experienced being "taken in" by understanding women who told me welcome to their world when I was "mansplained" by a man. 

Also, it is no secret cis men are by nature more insecure sexually than women.  Their insecurities could be why the death toll among transgender women tragically continues to rise year after year. Too many men are attracted to trans women then their insecurities step in and they become violent. Of course far too many cis-women have to deal with violent men who think their only real power over women comes from their physical ability to over power them. The men know deep down the women are intellectually and emotionally stronger. In other words, they can survive on so many levels without a man.

I also think the gender political bigots are scared to death of the younger generation who, for the most part is more liberal and gender blind than their parents. The same parents who are quibbling over drag shows instead of the real issues which threaten our society. As the bigots strive to hold on to their power which is slipping away, they don't realize transgender people have always existed and always will. No matter the obstacles which are thrown in our way. 

Even though my overall dealings with men as a transgender woman have been few and far between, I still remember the early days of losing my male privilege's. Some were down right shocking (safely) while others were more mellow (communication) but all of them proved to me how gender power can be fleeting.   

Happy Parents Day

 

Father's Day is here which represents yet another potentially awkward day to remember. 

In my travels across social media, I see all types of responses to Father's Day. All the way from total acceptance of a transgender woman who used to be a father, to no acceptance at all.

Long ago, my daughter came to the decision she would refer to me as a "parent" and leave a gender specific label out of it. I thought it was a great idea. 

My own Dad was rather emotionally distant and never learned a thing about my transgender leanings. Looking back on our relationship, it is very difficult for me to predict how he would have reacted. If my Mom's reaction was any indication, it wouldn't have been positive.

Both of them were part of the WWII/Depression generation which were long on being providers and short on being emotionally accessible. After all, my Mom offered access to advanced psychiatric treatment when I came out to her. The subject was never spoken of again. More than likely, any conversations with Dad would have led to uncomfortable conclusions about a subject we neither knew much about. 

Either way, I would have to have taken the path of accept me or else. Which would have put me on a collision course with my parents attitude of mental illness. Get treatment and get over it. 

Looking back on my interactions with either of my parents, I wish I had taken a more active approach.

Even though, I never heard it from him, Dad I love you and thanks for all you did do.