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| Photo from the Jessie Hart Archives |
When you are lost, you are encouraged to follow the North Star to find your way out of certain bad situations.
Over the years I learned I had my own personal North Star which guided me through many bad times. Of course there were the times when I was a novice transvestite or cross dresser when my mirror let me down and I was roundly laughed at when I tried to go out in public. Tears flowed when I made it back to the safety of my own home. After I dried my tears I was able to check out my own North Star and determine which direction I should take next. Time after time, my star showed me the way to trying over and over again until I finally began to improve my presentation and my confidence began to improve.
More than anything I needed my North Star to guide me when I was in times of need. Most of my need was felt when I was trying to decide to go ever forward in my gender transition. Each step required more and more of an effort to shed my old male past and acquire a new female future. Naturally I had a lot to lose such as a good job, family, and long time friends. I was obsessed with the process I found myself in. I had so much to lose but one of the main positives I felt about the process was I felt so natural when I actively pursued my feminine side. Which, if I followed my North Star I would have known my feminine self was by far my dominate side.
I was stubborn and after many dark cloudy nights when I couldn't see my North Star, I blundered ahead trying to find my way in the world. What was happening was I was stripping all of my old male privileges and not replacing them with anything. There just had to be more to being a transgender woman than just looking the part. There was but I had to follow the lead of my star to find it. I learned quickly the feminine privilege I felt was mainly an internal process. What occurred was I found I lost my intelligence but gained my confidence to not care. More importantly I learned whatever woman I was about to become, there was a cis-woman already doing it. If I wanted to still be into sports, I found friends who shared my interest was a primary example.
The more I learned, the more I needed my North Star to guide me. I was in uncharted territory, I had no history growing up as a girl to fall back on. I needed to know who to trust when I met strangers in public, both men and women. Other women were especially difficult to judge because they were skilled back stabbers. Many times I would escape without scars after an encounter with another woman who I thought accepted me.
When I arrived at the point when I needed to consider throwing my male past totally behind me and begin hormone replacement therapy. I needed plenty of alone time with my North Star to decide which gender direction I would take. The more I researched my future, the more I came up with the same answer...I was destined to lead the rest of my life as a transgender woman. Fulltime without ever looking back. My North Star after much deliberation, led me to the right decision and I decided to move forward in my transition.
When I did, there were still many gender hills to climb but most importantly I didn't feel lost anymore. My transgender North Star led me in the right direction.
