Finding Your Trans North Star in a Straight World

 

Image from Daniel Lincoln 
on UnSplash

As most all transgender women and transgender men know, finding your own personal North Star is often very difficult to do.

The first thing you have to consider is what your North Star means to you and down the road, what will you do to follow it. Very early on in my life, I knew the only thing I wanted to really do when I grew up wanting not to be in the male body I was born into. It turned out after fifty plus years of trying; I was able to make it mentally out of my male body and live as a transfeminine woman but never seriously considering undergoing any of the serious and extensive gender realignment surgeries which are going on today. At the time, I figured I did not have to risk my body which to this day has been healthy and just concentrate on the physical feminine side of life I enjoyed so much. Or my gender stayed between my ears and not my legs. Which started me down a very long path trying to discover what my North Star meant to me and where it was exactly.

The problems which clouded my view came almost exclusively from my male self-fighting the process of a male to female femininization every place that he could. He took a secret joy when I was laughed out of venues I was in as I was dressing to please him and not the public who really mattered which were ciswomen who determined if I could stay in their world at all. What he did not count on was that the stares and laughter just made me more resolute searching for my feminine self.

As I went along, I discovered even the most strenuous male activities could not mask the shine of my inner feminine star. Not even three years in the army could hide her glow when it counted. In fact, lessons I learned when I was away from my true self helped me when I could return seriously to my gender path. Most importantly, I learned I could rely upon myself more completely when the times became rough. Sadly, it took me years of living to learn a woman could be feminine and strong all at the same time as my two-role model’s mom and second wife taught me to be. Without ever knowing they were dealing with another woman. Much to the chagrin of my inner woman who wanted her chance in the world.

And yes, there were times that my North Star was completely lost in the clouds before I could completely reclaim her. Such as the time when I was stuck transitioning from a serious cross-dresser to a novice transgender woman. It turned out, it was only another mental transition because at this time, I had most all my appearance basics together and I was ready to experiment on the next step of mentally comparing myself as I socialized with other ciswomen. Following much fear and trepidation, I found that I could and more importantly, I felt natural and happy doing it. My star was shining brightly when I made it out of the comparative safety of the gay venues I was going to (where I was only considered to be another drag queen) to straight venues in the world where I could express myself as a trans woman.

I discovered that once I reclaimed my star, I reclaimed my life too. I was on the verge of reclaiming the life I was so unhappy in and turning it into an existence which restored my fragile depressive mental health and gave me a reason to be happy. Probably, for the first time in my life. But I still had a long way to go, because my male self stubbornly refused to give up all the privileges he had earned and was fighting for at least a partial share of my life. It did not matter to him that I felt happy and natural when I was a trans woman, carving out a new life with new privileges for myself. Such as constant interaction with ciswomen who were interested why I was in their world. I finally quit trying to figure it out and learned to sit back and enjoy the socialization process I was going through. As I was learning as much from them as they were about me. It all made me a better person as I continued to carve out a new life for myself.

Thankfully, my North Star continued to burn brightly for me during this time of my life. I needed the guidance of the star to help me navigate any more blind curves along my gender path that I was on. I never counted on the new life being so much more complex than the old straight forward male life I was discontinuing due to lack of interest. From appearance to body movement to communication, I needed to change it all, and I felt I was running out of time since I was in my mid-fifties, and my biological transgender clock was ticking. It all kept me going and interested to see what was beyond the next blind curve I would have to face on my gender journey.

By this time my North Star was starting to sink into the horizon of a new day for me as it guided me forward into my new day. As it faded, I was able to sit back and appreciate all the good things it had sent me through in my life, as well as helping me around some of the bad ones I needed help with. By following the star, I was able to finally make it to the dream I never knew I could do and that of course was being able to live a happy life as a transgender woman.

Even during my dark days of infantry basic training in the Army at Ft. Knox, my North Star came through and helped me see the way to overcome my gender shortcomings which turned out to be temporary. Permanence turned out to be the ability to follow and live out my dream.

As always thanks for reading along and I hope you have a North Star to guide you also through the thick and thin days of a transgender life.

 

 

 

 

The Transgender North Star

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

When you are lost, you are encouraged to follow the North Star to find your way out of certain bad situations.

Over the years I learned I had my own personal North Star which guided me through many bad times. Of course there were the times when I was a novice transvestite or cross dresser when my mirror let me down and I was roundly laughed at when I tried to go out in public. Tears flowed when I made it back to the safety of my own home. After I dried my tears I was able to check out my own North Star and determine which direction I should take next. Time after time, my star showed me the way to trying over and over again until I finally began to improve my presentation and my confidence began to improve. 

More than anything I needed my North Star to guide me when I was in times of need. Most of my need was felt when I was trying to decide to go ever forward in my gender transition.  Each step required more and more of an effort to shed my old male past and acquire a new female future. Naturally I had a lot to lose such as a good job, family, and long time friends. I was obsessed with the process I found myself in. I had so much to lose but one of the main positives I felt about the process was I felt so natural when I actively pursued my feminine side. Which, if I followed my North Star I would have known my feminine self was by far my dominate side.

I was stubborn and after many dark cloudy nights when I couldn't see my North Star, I blundered ahead trying to find my way in the world. What was happening was I was stripping all of my old male privileges and not replacing them with anything. There just had to be more to being a transgender woman than just looking the part. There was but I had to follow the lead of my star to find it. I learned quickly the feminine privilege I felt was mainly an internal process. What occurred was I found I lost my intelligence but gained my confidence to not care. More importantly I learned whatever woman I was about to become, there was a cis-woman already doing it. If I wanted to still be into sports, I found friends who shared my interest was a primary example.

The more I learned, the more I needed my North Star to guide me. I was in uncharted territory, I had no history growing up as a girl to fall back on. I needed to know who to trust when I met strangers in public, both men and women. Other women were especially difficult to judge because they were skilled back stabbers. Many times I would escape without scars after an encounter with another woman who I thought accepted me. 

When I arrived at the point when I needed to consider throwing my male past totally behind me  and begin hormone replacement therapy. I needed plenty of alone time with my North Star to decide which gender direction I would take. The more I researched my future, the more I came up with the same answer...I was destined to lead the rest of my life as a transgender woman. Fulltime without ever looking back. My North Star after much deliberation, led me to the right decision and I decided to move forward in my transition.

When I did, there were still many gender hills to climb but most importantly I didn't feel lost anymore. My transgender North Star led me in the right direction.