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| Image from Daniel Lincoln on UnSplash |
As most all transgender women and transgender men know, finding your own personal North Star is often very difficult to do.
The first thing you have to consider is what your North Star
means to you and down the road, what will you do to follow it. Very early on in
my life, I knew the only thing I wanted to really do when I grew up wanting not
to be in the male body I was born into. It turned out after fifty plus years of
trying; I was able to make it mentally out of my male body and live as a
transfeminine woman but never seriously considering undergoing any of the
serious and extensive gender realignment surgeries which are going on today. At the time, I figured I did not have to risk my body which to this day has been healthy
and just concentrate on the physical feminine side of life I enjoyed so much.
Or my gender stayed between my ears and not my legs. Which started me down a
very long path trying to discover what my North Star meant to me and where it
was exactly.
The problems which clouded my view came almost exclusively
from my male self-fighting the process of a male to female femininization every
place that he could. He took a secret joy when I was laughed out of venues I
was in as I was dressing to please him and not the public who really mattered
which were ciswomen who determined if I could stay in their world at all. What
he did not count on was that the stares and laughter just made me more resolute
searching for my feminine self.
As I went along, I discovered even the most strenuous male
activities could not mask the shine of my inner feminine star. Not even three
years in the army could hide her glow when it counted. In fact, lessons I
learned when I was away from my true self helped me when I could return seriously
to my gender path. Most importantly, I learned I could rely upon myself more
completely when the times became rough. Sadly, it took me years of living to
learn a woman could be feminine and strong all at the same time as my two-role model’s
mom and second wife taught me to be. Without ever knowing they were dealing
with another woman. Much to the chagrin of my inner woman who wanted her chance
in the world.
And yes, there were times that my North Star was completely lost
in the clouds before I could completely reclaim her. Such as the time when I
was stuck transitioning from a serious cross-dresser to a novice transgender
woman. It turned out, it was only another mental transition because at this
time, I had most all my appearance basics together and I was ready to
experiment on the next step of mentally comparing myself as I socialized with
other ciswomen. Following much fear and trepidation, I found that I could and
more importantly, I felt natural and happy doing it. My star was shining
brightly when I made it out of the comparative safety of the gay venues I was
going to (where I was only considered to be another drag queen) to straight
venues in the world where I could express myself as a trans woman.
I discovered that once I reclaimed my star, I reclaimed my
life too. I was on the verge of reclaiming the life I was so unhappy in and
turning it into an existence which restored my fragile depressive mental health
and gave me a reason to be happy. Probably, for the first time in my life. But
I still had a long way to go, because my male self stubbornly refused to give
up all the privileges he had earned and was fighting for at least a partial
share of my life. It did not matter to him that I felt happy and natural when I
was a trans woman, carving out a new life with new privileges for myself. Such
as constant interaction with ciswomen who were interested why I was in their
world. I finally quit trying to figure it out and learned to sit back and enjoy
the socialization process I was going through. As I was learning as much from
them as they were about me. It all made me a better person as I continued to
carve out a new life for myself.
Thankfully, my North Star continued to burn brightly for me
during this time of my life. I needed the guidance of the star to help me
navigate any more blind curves along my gender path that I was on. I never
counted on the new life being so much more complex than the old straight
forward male life I was discontinuing due to lack of interest. From appearance
to body movement to communication, I needed to change it all, and I felt I was
running out of time since I was in my mid-fifties, and my biological
transgender clock was ticking. It all kept me going and interested to see what
was beyond the next blind curve I would have to face on my gender journey.
By this time my North Star was starting to sink into the
horizon of a new day for me as it guided me forward into my new day. As it
faded, I was able to sit back and appreciate all the good things it had sent me
through in my life, as well as helping me around some of the bad ones I needed
help with. By following the star, I was able to finally make it to the dream I
never knew I could do and that of course was being able to live a happy life as
a transgender woman.
Even during my dark days of infantry basic training in the
Army at Ft. Knox, my North Star came through and helped me see the way to
overcome my gender shortcomings which turned out to be temporary. Permanence
turned out to be the ability to follow and live out my dream.
As always thanks for reading along and I hope you have a
North Star to guide you also through the thick and thin days of a transgender
life.
