A Hot Mess on Another Veterans Day

Image from Tim Mossholder
on UnSplash.

Before I get started on my main post, I would like to take a moment and salute all the members of the population of this country (US) who have served in the military forces. Thank you for your service. On top of the many gender conflicted men and women who served their country so well and later came out into the world, I have always suspected there are still far too many who are still in their closets waiting for their chance to join the world. With the positive election we had, all your chances to come out may just have improved. At least,  I hope so.

As far as my time in the military went, the hot mess part mainly came during the years I waited to see if I was going to see the Vietnam War up close and personal all the way to figuring out what I was going to do about the draft, if the long, drawn-out war was still going on through my high school and college years. During those confused years, my life was a hot mess as I thought about what I was going to do about my two main pleasures in life, my cross-dressing and my beginnings of having a solid commercial radio DJ career. Since I knew my love for cross-dressing would have to be put on hold in the Army, I hoped that somehow, I could maintain my career as a broadcaster in the service. 

I started my search by going around to all the military branch recruiters to learn if they had any job listings for what I was looking for at all and learned only one did and that was the Army and it was exceedingly difficult to get into.The only thing I had going for me at that time was that the radio station I worked at was owned by a powerful congressman, so I hoped that I could use him to my advantage. I wrote and sent off a letter to Washington saying I would serve my country and was there anyway they could help me salvage my career while I served. To my amazement, in a relatively short amount of time, I received a letter back saying they would put me in contact with an officer they dealt with in the Pentagon and for me to deal with him. The power of having a congressman behind worked for me again as the officer in the Pentagon said he would look into it as well as other jobs doing attache work in embassies around the world. Which was not what I wanted, but better than the alternative.

Then I needed to be on hold until I went to infantry Army basic training like everyone else. I was able to put off going as I went on a six-month delay program to let my sources work on my future, even though, I kept telling myself I was going to put myself on some sort of a physical training program before I left, I never made it and was just a hot mess of drinking and self-pity as I faced my military future. Before I knew it, my time had passed and I was headed to Ft.Knox, Kentucky for basic training in the middle of winter. On my way, I learned I was far from being the worst hot mess on the bus we were traveling on as one of the guys in front of me was openly crying out loud. As for me, I could not wait to get off the bus and get started on the next three years of my life. 

It was not until about three weeks into basic that the attitude by the drill sergeants started to change towards me. I was very naive at the time and did not put together the fact I was receiving mail from the House of Representatives and the Pentagon and all of the sudden I was made a squad leader. A position normally reserved for those troops who performed the best at physical training and marksmanship. Neither of which described me. I finally woke up to the fact that no one was reading my mail, but someone was certainly noticing it and my hot mess of a life in basic began to calm down because it was beginning to look like I would get the impossible job in the Army I had hoped for. In fact, there were only sixty plus openings in the entire Army available at any one time. 

The rest of my three years in the military turned out to be a blur as I worked on AFRTS military radio and television stations in Thailand and Germany. It was not until I was discharged did my life revert back to the old hot mess it had always been because of my gender dysphoria. I got out of the Army about six months ahead of my future first wife and I was so conflicted about who I was that I was seriously considering meeting her at the airport dressed as my authentic feminine self but I did not and life went on as I began to try to outrun my gender issues. In the next decade, I tried changing everything from wives to jobs to locales to try to outrun myself which did not work. I was doomed to be a hot mess until I faced the reality of who I was. I was not a woman trapped in a man' s body. I had always been a woman cross-dressed as a man. 

Finally, I faced reality and my hot mess of a life straightened right up. I learned to appreciate what life had given me over the years and I had no right to deny what it was showing me to live. More importantly, I was ready to share my wisdom with the world if anyone was in need of it because I certainly did not want anyone else to go through what I went through. That is why I write.

If you are facing a mess with the gender in your life, I hope everything becomes better for you and you are able to face your own reality better than I was. Once again, thanks to all you veterans for your service. Comments are always welcome!