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| JJ Hart. On the way to being me. |
On the road to being me sounds like one of the old “Bob Hope” and “Bing Crosby” classic movies if it was not so real.
It just so happens that the road I chose took me decades to
travel and I finally arrived when I was in my mid-fifties and I tried to
internalize my gender dysphoria by being an occasional but serious cross-dresser.
Since I had very few natural feminine qualities, I had a lot of work to do.
Little did I know the lengthy journey in life that I was on
would take me down so many side paths including three marriages. Including the
one I am on now. All except one lasted over ten years, so I guess you can say I
made up for in loyalty for what I lacked in other areas. Such as reoccurring gender
problems I shared immediately with my wives before I married them. The major
problem I had was I was never being honest with myself about who I really was
which was a shame because deep down early on my path I knew I wanted so much more
in life than just wearing the clothes and makeup of the women around me.
When I thought I was taking the easy way out about hiding my
deepest desires, I was only masking my problems which made me a very bitter and
nasty person to live with. Not a good recipe for a stable marriage, but somehow,
I managed to maintain them anyhow. At the same time, I was trying to
internalize my gender dysphoria, I would put extra pressure on myself to do
more in my search for my own brand of womanhood. What I did not realize was all
that I was doing when I began to explore the world outside of my closet was
just socializing myself to the male to female femininization path I was going
down. And every high heeled step was getting me closer to my goal. Even though,
it was taking its own sweet slow time to do it. I found that every time I took
a step forward, I would catch myself taking two steps back.
What would Bing and Bob do should have became my motto as I moved
on in my mainly male world I was stuck in and could not get out. The only thing
I did know was that I was stuck in a cruel gender comedy show I needed to get
out of. I wanted so bad not to be perceived as a clown in drag coming from a
local circus. The only thing I could do was stay on the dual path I was on to maintain
the only life I knew. We were living paycheck to paycheck at the time so there
was no way I could quit my job and try to start a new life over. I did the best
I could to keep a balance between my two genders until the cavalry came to rescue
me. The only problem was that the cavalry never came and I was on my own and
was forced to learn to stand on my new high heels.
For years, I went into a self-imposed transgender exile as I
needed to do a deep dive into who I really was and what I really wanted in my
life. Sadly, I kept on betraying my true feminine side for my macho male side who
was only good for paying the bills. The only relief I got came as I learned of the
term transgender and immediately appreciated how it affected me. No pun
intended, but it fit me to a “T” since I knew I was much more than a casual
cross-dresser at the time. But at the same time, I did not have the desire for
any extensive/expensive gender alignment or facial femininization surgeries,
Somehow, I was going to have to find a way to pursue my trans womanhood on my
own terms. All that was remaining was to figure out what those terms would be.
The only thing I knew for sure was I was becoming certain about
who I wanted to be. I was tired of lying to myself and decided to start to
carve out my own authentic transfeminine life. As I did it, I was beginning to
get my glow back and love the skin I was in. The problem I had was loving the
skin I was in, but I had not considered all the aspects of what I was seriously
considering. For example, how was I going to tell the remaining close family
and friends around me and how was I going to support myself when I started to
live my dream life I always dreamed of doing. It turned out my procrastination came
back to help me when nearly all my immediate blood family had passed away.
Along with the only long-time male friends who I still had. Since I had always had
such a difficult time making friends with me, I was not worried about making
anymore anytime soon. It all left me too how I would support myself
financially.
Once again, procrastination worked when I waited long enough
to transition that I was old enough to collect my social security and sell collectables
on the side so I could get by. I made enough money to keep going out in the
world as a trans woman and keep carving out my new and exciting life. I went
up, down and sideways to do everything right in my power to finish my dream of
being able to live fulltime as a transgender woman on my own terms. My own
terms were very simple; I just had the basics of living how I wanted. But again,
I was frustrated when I went to do it. I wanted the path to finding my future to
finally end and I could get on with my new life.
Most importantly, my new life was all I expected it would be
and I could not wait to experience more of it.
Experience in life is all we have and I hope you get a
chance to experience yours!
Thanks for reading along and any comments are
always appreciated.
