The Big Three

First of all, I (Cyrsti) am participating in Trans*forming the Dialogue, Simmons College’s Online MSW Program’s campaign to promote an educational conversation about the transgender community. By participating in this campaign, I will be offering my perspective on what TO ask and what NOT to ask trans*people.

Unfortunately, these are all too easy to answer. Lets go into the NO questions:

Do Not ask a trans person about their sexual preference!!!! Number one sexulaty and gender are two different issues and

It's none of your business!!! As a point of reference, I have been asked about my gender preferences in a Doctor's office by male interns.

Do not ask me "how long have I been doing this" or "when did I know?"  As innocent as the question may seem,  Being transgender is not a choice. We were born this way.

Do Not Ask Me Have I had any surgeries? How could that possibly matter?

Do Not ask me how I became "so brave" to do this? Bravery is for first responders and military members, I am just doing what I had to do - to live
Do Not Ask Me: How it feels to be a woman. I only know how it feels to be me. It is you who are laying a gender "sticker" on me. Gender is only a mirror and I am showing you the reflection of the gender I want you to see.

Now- Do Ask Me:

What do I think of all the Transgender Dialogue these days?  I welcome any informal "educational" opportunities. Plus, people are seeing so much of us on television, they are curious to meet one of us "in person."

Is Society Changing? Yes, and it's always easy for me to explain why. 

About problems Transgender people of all types face in today's world as they transition. It's always amazing to me about how more people I meet who know or have a gender nonconforming person they know or in their family.

**Please note- this will be a continuing dialogue you all can participate in the very near future.  

A "Non Binary" Girl?

I was involved in my normal "surfing" around on the web and happened across a person looking for a non-binary girl.  I thought maybe this younger peep had an interesting label he applied to men who actually are attracted to transgender or non binary women.

The poor "admirers" it seems, get no love from many.  Right or wrong, their advances are considered to be entirely sexual in nature and the man in question has to wrestle with the dark specter of him being gay.

Pretty simple, right?  Nothing ever is simple with a trans person.  I have a cross dressing friend who is fond of saying the true test of a trans/admirer relationship is when he is willing to take his trans woman friend home to meet his family.  That may be a little dramatic and more than a little scary to both parties but the idea sounds fairly true.

As you all know, I don't write about the "admirer" subject much here in Cyrsti's Condo but I know what a sensitive subject it is.  Like so many others, when I was starting to explore the feminine world, I craved the idea of having a man on my shoulder as a validation of who I was.  Looking at the overall generic population of women-don't they rely on the same feelings?

I also wonder too about the transgender women I read about who worry about ever finding a quality man-but don't generics worry about that too?  Welcome to the girl's sandbox girls!

If you are a "non binary" girl like I am, no matter where you stand in the relationship area, it's exceedingly tough process to "market" yourself to men who may be attracted to us.  Most dating sites don't provide spots for non binary gender folk at all.  I know when I was actively involved in finding friends on line, I had to balance the binary lines.  My only choices were a woman seeking a woman and a man seeking a man-or a woman.  Many weeks I would change my preference to see what would happen. I won't even comment on the so called transgender - transsexual only dating sites.

It did happen for me.  I met my partner Liz five years ago on an on line dating site, as well as my dear trans guy friend.  Along the way though, I did sort through tons of crazies or "romeo's" who wanted to know when I could meet them at a nearby motel.  No different I suppose than any generic.

The End of Cross Dressing?

Many of the "sister's" I have known in the past, who proudly and loudly proclaimed themselves "hetero sexual cross dressers" struggled to keep more than just their dresses hidden deep in their closets.  Sexuality was taking up space too.

Should the men who pursue a cross dresser or a transgender woman share all the blame when they scream, "Hey! I'm straight?"  No, I know one person who used to feel any attention from a man validated her as a woman-me.  I was one too, who tossed myself in the "high and mighty" hetero CD category too, when all along this little voice was saying, "well what if?"

What if I had decided to stay behind all the "A-list" cross dressing bitches I was hanging out with in Cleveland all those years ago with the guy who asked me to?  After all, he was good looking, well spoken and sort of shy? All of that occurred back in the pre social media/internet days, when I think we were all more naive. Or, more recently when I began to transition in earnest, I had the same interest in me from men than I did from women?  Don't know and more importantly, I don't make many value judgments about it.  Isn't there some sort of line about not beating dead horses?  Then again, it's never that simple-  as  Pat commented: (these days)

I suspect that because there are so many different varieties of T folks that non T people have a hard time figuring us out. For most people there is little to no separation between sexuality and gender. If you are a woman attracted to me or a man attracted to women the question of sexuality and gender not being the same thing may never arise. For us in the T community we face the dichotomy between gender and sexuality on a regular basis. At times, especially for the younger T folks it can get confusing..

My only disagreement is I think more and more young transgender women and men are not confused so much and that thought extends into younger cross dressers too who describe themselves as "gender non conforming."  I can only dream of how it would have been to have that sort of freedom of gender expression when I grew up!!!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

It's tough enough if you don't fit neatly into the gender binary and even tougher if you have a family who doesn't support you.

This morning (Tuesday) NBC's The Today Show had a short feature on a family who does support their young son's desire to be gender non conforming. 

Perhaps you have heard of Lori Duron's blog called Raising my Rainbow.  Now she has written a book and here's a preview:



"Raising My Rainbow is Lori Duron’s poignant, heart-breaking, and at times hysterical memoir of her and her family’s adventures of raising a gender creative child. Whereas her older son Chase is a Lego-loving, sports-playing boy’s boy, her youngest son C.J. would much rather twirl around in a pink sparkly tutu, with a Disney Princess in each hand, singing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi.” C.J. is gender variant or gender nonconforming, whichever you prefer. Whatever the term, Lori has a boy who likes girl stuff; really likes girl stuff. He floats on the gender variation spectrum from super-macho-masculine on the left all the way to super-girly-feminine on the right. He’s not all pink and not all blue. He’s a muddled mess or a rainbow creation. Lori and her family choose to see the rainbow."

I just love the gender creative term!

I'm sure if you check your television listings, Lori will have the opportunity to tell her family's story on other shows you can look for plus the book is available everywhere.

Of importance this morning was the point made that a great majority of kids don't have a family system such as "C.J.'s".  We can always hope Lori Duron's efforts will open so many more!

NOT Your Father's Camp

More than likely not your camp either. This story I am about to present evokes so many "what if" thoughts in my life, I can't begin to document them all. I'm sure most of you will feel the same after this post from theFrisky:


"For the past three years, photographer Lindsay Morris has been following a group of special kids who attend an annual four-day camp for “gender-nonconforming boys and their parents.” In order to protect the boys and their families, Morris simply refers to the camp as Camp You Are You, and explains it as a place where these boys “don’t have to look over their shoulders, and they can let down their guard. Those are four days when none of that matters, and they are surrounded by family members who support them.”


At camp, boys dress up, play, perform and interact in whatever stage of gender identity they most feel comfortable in. For some, that means wearing wigs and dresses. For others, it includes putting on makeup or heels. Whatever it is, says Morris, it’s a positive step for these kids. “They get enough questioning in their daily lives, so it’s a great place for them to express themselves as they feel. … I feel we hear so many of the sad stories and how LGBT kids are disproportionately affected by bullying, depression, and suicide, and it hangs a heavy cloud over them and kind of dooms them from the beginning. I’m saying this is a new story. This is not a tragedy.”

Author Julie Gerstein said it up best when she wrote" Excuse me, I have a case of the happy cries" I have the deafening echos of "what if".

Are You Ready for Transfeminism?

Transfeminism : What does it have to do with Feminism? Or anything?
If you follow and can understand the war of words which rages around all of us- you are a better person than I am.
Tonight, I was going to give you an example of more abbreviations, buzz words and labels in one paragraph than I have seen ever in a trans war post. I admit I'm fascinated by the virulent verbage which revolves around those with a native born vagina, those with a manufactured one and those with none at all. (It's like a sneaky love of the worst reality show ever!)
However,  I didn't pass it along because taking it out of context would have been grossly wrong because of it's overall tragic subject matter.
Trans feminism is actually a fairly simple concept to me. As I have gained more self confidence, I am less likely to sit quietly when I have a chance to "educate" someone.
Example? A couple weeks ago I had a chance to explain to a gay man how myself and the trans woman I was talking to were NOT in drag.
I'm not kidding myself that during the relative short time I have left in this existence I will see the need for terms such as transfeminism, rad fems and others to just go away.
On the other hand I continue to uncover examples of why they just might!
I would be remiss if I didn't pass along another:

The Trans Youth Equality Foundation provides education, advocacy and support for transgender and gender non-conforming children and youth and their families.

Our mission is to share information about the unique needs of this community, partnering with families, educators and service providers to help foster a healthy, caring, and safe environment for all transgender children."

I'm passing along a link to their Trans 101 from where you can check their whole site. 

This says it all "Helping adults understand...what the kids already know."

Maybe this is the place to quote John Lennon :

Imagine all the people Living life in peace
You, you may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you will join us And the world will be as one."

No matter where your sexual organs originated.

Trans Positives!!

TransActive is an internationally recognized non-profit focused on serving the diverse needs of transgender (TG) and gender nonconforming (GNC) children, youth, their families and allies.

Check it out here.