I watch quite a few vintage movies on the Turner Classic Movie television network. Along the way I have discovered several "William Powell" classic movies. Especially the "Thin Man" series.
Yesterday I discovered a movie called "Love Crazy" in which Powell dons drag and impersonates a woman. It's from 1941. Here is a picture.
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| Pre Covid martial arts banquet. |
I'm sure the reason I do it is goes back to the majority of my life when I struggled to hide my gender dysphoria totally along with the inability to even understand what was going on with being bi-polar. Needless to say the entire process was very difficult and I became very good at hiding my true self from others.
Even though Liz still has to take a pry bar to me to get me to show emotions, I am trying in my own backward way to be more outgoing.
As far as my therapist goes though, maybe I should pull down the barriers and let her have it. Then again maybe not. My Dad was very emotionally withdrawn. It's just so difficult to overcome.
Yesterday was time for my bi-weekly appointment with my long time therapist from the Veterans Administration.
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| Football is getting close! Go Buckeyes!!! |
Since it was a video appointment I did do my beauty routine, pulled my hair back and was ready. I chose a short sleeved tank top which happened to be a beige patterned fabric. I guess on my old lap top camera it looked as if I wasn't wearing anything at all because not too far into the session, she asked was I wearing any clothes?
After the laughter died down, I assured her it was warm in our house but not that warm.
We finished the session with me telling her maybe naked therapy was the wave of the future. She said I would be surprised all the things she sees since the VA started video visits.
Actually, from my experiences when I used to show up in person for my appointments, nothing would surprise me.
Even after all these years, the mirror experience can never be taken for granted. On certain mornings I see too much of my male self peaking through. Then on other days, I am pleased with seeing all my hair along with my breasts, soft skin and rounder face. All of which scream feminine.
To make a long story short, I am living on a gender fault line. Another word for the gender dysphoria which has been part of me for as long as I can remember.
I feel the tremors. Not as bad as when I was trying to live as both genders but still noticeable. I used to have the tremors so bad I could feel an explosion coming on if I didn't cross dress into my authentic self to relieve the pressure.
I would not wish my life on the gender fault line on anyone but then again the chance to experience both human binary genders has at times been electrifying yet terrifying.
Sunday I wrote a post about my journey up to Dayton's (Ohio) VA Hospital for laboratory tests to check all my blood.
All I got out of it was a sore arm and nothing out of the ordinary happened except the air conditioning in the car was working so well, my temperature overall was a couple degrees below the norm. I told the technician I must be half dead. She laughed n on we went.
Lets see if this post works!
Tommy Dorfman is reintroducing herself.
"Today is about clarity: I am a trans woman. My pronouns are she/her. My name is Tommy," Dorfman said, adding that she has officially undergone a medical transition as well.
Congratulations
"G" sent in a follow up comment to the Changing Gender Gears post:
"There's nothing better than acceptance by cis women. I used to visit a shop in England run by two women who knew my story and were fine with it. They treated me as a woman from the get-go.. and passing through the glass wall that separates the sexes opened up the conversation to things that would never be discussed if I was a male. It was the best experience of my life. G"
Thanks for the comment!
Definitely being accepted into the girl's sandbox can provide a wonderful education. Good and bad. I have written many times how my acceptance by several cis women helped me over the rough spots as a novice transgender woman.
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| Pre Covid Picture Taken at an Historical Reenactment |
Most importantly, I learned to communicate with other women on their level, which was a giant gender step. I can't tell you how many times I heard the infamous "welcome to our world." I never was able to explain I was always in their world but had no way to show it.
Sure there were set backs along the way. Being stared at and ignored by some (men) and even being yelled at for using the restroom (women) nearly broke my heart on occasion. It never though, broke my will. I knew I had chosen the right path and had to stay on it.
Finally, acceptance came my my. Some grudgingly, some not. It was so worth it when it did.
Of course I am biased but I have always thought a human changing gender was one of the most difficult things to attempt.
As far as I am concerned, as I began to become more serious about making the jump to a transgender feminine life, I began to practice feminine mannerisms when I thought others weren't watching. I would go to big box stores during their down times just to practice my walk.
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| Earliest known Picture Circa 2012 |
Of course, all bets were off when I started hormone replacement therapy. Even though I started on a bare minimum dose, the changes began to be very unmistakable. The obvious happened, I grew breasts and let my hair grow out. The surprise came when my skin softened and my face began subtle changes. All in all, I had planned a year before I had to put my male self in the closet. I ended up revising it to six months.
As I look back to the whole experience, I was fortunate in that I found a small group of cis women to socialize with. I always say they taught me more about the feminine lifestyle than I could have ever learned on my own. But learn I did.
Putting my old guy self in the closet was one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. Overall though, changing gender gears was as terrifying as it was exciting. It was an experience I was born to do.
When I first heard the news, I think it took awhile for the enormity of the cover to set in.
Obviously, it is one thing to make it into the issue as a transgender woman at all but to make it on to the cover is wonderful.
All of my thoughts turned to "back in the day" when I worked as a restaurant manager and had a "Sports Illustrated" subscription. all my cooks knew I was going to be receiving the swimsuit issue and were clamoring to see it ASAP.
I can only imagine their reaction when they found out the cover model was transgender.
Perhaps times have changed enough that it's time for a Leyna Bloom to be accepted.
Connie commented on my diet post yesterday which joked about having to run around in the shower just to get wet:
" Maybe you should run yourself a bath, instead? :-) Keep it up, girl! I've gotten down to just 5 pounds over my high school football weight of 167 (I drank so many milk shakes with raw eggs just to maintain that back then). I weigh myself once a week, mostly out of curiosity, but I've learned, as have you, that the scale is not the best way to keep track. I'm hoping to drop that 5 pounds in the next two weeks, as I am living the bachelorette life until my wife returns from her Mexican vacation (I like Mexico, but I'm not sure it would like me anymore)."
I agree about taking a Mexican vacation! My goal is to get down to my Basic Training (Army) weight of 180. But overall, I just want to try to have more energy and feel better.
Speaking or writing of a vacation, Facebook did me a favor (?) and sent me a photo of our summer trip out west to Colorado a couple years ago. On the way we stopped at an ancient train depot in Abilene, Kansas. It was 99 degrees that day. FYI, I am a huge rail buff.
I used this pun on my therapist last week and I don't think she ever realized what I was trying to say.
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| Old Pride Pub Crawl picture from when I could drink. |
Actually the diet is getting off to a rousing start. Or not. It's a no sugar or flour diet with tons of fruit and vegetables. Even though most of the food becomes rather boring early, I have lost some obvious weight already. One of the focuses is to not obsess on what the scale says so I have not weighed myself at all.
Overall, writing about a diet is one of least likely topics I thought I would aver be writing about . During my life I have been relatively fortunate to be able to control my own weight. In fact, I lost nearly 40 pounds when I transitioned into a transgender world.
This time it's different. I am doing the diet to support Liz. Her health and goals are so important to me.
Then again, what is more feminine than obsessing over a diet?
I could use the kinder and gentler "envious" word but I can't. Yesterday I was just jealous.
It was grocery shopping day and Liz and I went out to battle the heat and stock up on all the fruits and vegetables we needed for our new diet.
As we started our journey down the produce isle, I couldn't help but notice a woman in a short romper style print dress. I was entranced. The whole process took me back to all the old days of desiring so many cis women. Not sexually. I wanted to be them. To feel what they felt.
As all the old feelings came flooding back to me, I told myself the usual. Even though I have achieved more than I ever thought I could in a transgender world, I will never in this lifetime achieve the body and look of the woman I was admiring.
All too soon she went her separate way in the store, my dreams faded and the reality of the day set back in.
However, the trans entertainment news is not all good.
This is from EW.com:
"The LGBTQ media organization acknowledges the past year resulted in a unique situation for theatrical movies, but it still went ahead with its 2020 Studio Responsibility Index, their report card for sorts on how well Hollywood's major studios brought LGBTQ representation to the screen. GLAAD found that, out of the 44 films released by those entities, none of them included trans or non-binary characters.
In fact, this is the fourth year in a row where this has happened. By GLAAD's own estimates, that's zero trans characters out of almost 400 films since January 2017. The last time a transgender character was included in a major studio film — Disney, Warner Bros., Universal, Paramount, etc. — it was an "offensive caricature," as GLAAD dubbed it: Benedict Cumberbatch's All in 2016's Zoolander 2."
Thanks Bobbie for sending this along!
This was taken during one of my very first trips to the women's room at a venue where I was able to "flip" myself. Meaning I started to go there as a guy with my deceased wife before she passed and after I started to go there as a novice transgender woman.
What I notice also in this picture was my attention to detail. From my long wavy dark wig, to my jewelry, rings and sunglasses, I tried to cover all the feminine basics
The same is true when I go back and explore some of the earliest posts of the Cyrsti's Condo blog. I noticed I wrote much more about the effort I put into to looking the best feminine self I could do. As the years went on and I started to live fulltime in the feminine world the blog drifted towards more of a lifestyle effort.
As I look back on those days so far ago, I do remember how terrified I was but on the other hand, how excited I felt.
The end result of course was I finally figured out my male self had to go into the closet and I could start a life as my authentic self.
In 2020, the young star collaborated with beauty brand Australis on an eyeshadow palette with colors that celebrate her trans experience.
"Back in the day" when I was strongly considering making the big jump and starting to live as my authentic feminine transgender self, I considered the whole process as sliding down a slippery slope. One day, I would just go too far, make the leap and put my male self into the closet. The more I explored the world as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to.
Looking back at the whole process now, I have a tendency to .look at it as an interaction between my personal angels and demons. I suppose it all goes back to when I was growing up and I considered my transgender leanings as being demons.
Of course, finally all of the "demon" thoughts began to change. Rightfully so, my mean old male self became the demon to kept me out of the world for all those years. As my feminine self took over, she certainly wasn't an angel. She partied hard and for the most part had a good time. Perhaps she was making up for lost time.
Each of us are individuals trying to make our own journeys as pleasant as possible.
The quicker you are able to turn your male demons into female angels the better your life will be. Each of us has to seek out our own path to do it.
"We didn't have a choice to be transgender but we did have a choice to be survivors."
JJ Hart
As I try in this post to try to tie up some loose ends, here is a comment/question from Connie:
" There's no doubt that trans people can be as rude as anyone else. Was the quote said directly from the DJ, or was the T word just added by the accuser to up the ante? Not only can anyone be rude, anyone, including trans people, can be too easily offended, sometimes. I probably would never return to a place where I was called the T word, but I would apologize if what I had done was thought to be rude. I hope that there isn't a blow-up over it all."
To clarify, the guy has never come close enough to me to use the "T" word. So, I took for granted what I heard was second hand and by an individual who over the years (literally) has seemingly done her best to snub the group,
After all, transgender people are no different than the rest of the population, Some are good folk, some not so much.
The person involved in the whole event supposedly, has never gotten back with me. For all I know, the DJ denied ever saying it or even apologized.
One of the few things I do like about summer is a change to wear my silky maxi dresses here is a picture on the left taken pre covid when my hair was much shorter and had not been allowed to return to it's natural shade.
Ironically, it's a surprise to me how many things do change and then again not.
One thing that never changes around here though in Cincinnati, Ohio USA is the summer heat will be with us well into September. We did have a brief break today with a cold front which brought life back to nearly normal
Over the past week including a couple days coming up, I have been able to get out or at least attend events virtually.
Friday night was the transgender - crossdresser support group social attended by twelve people including Liz and I. We have been going to the same place for years without a problem. To be truthful, the venue isn't the best on service or speed of cooking orders but everyone knows it. Even still, there are a few who make the visit uncomfortable. Overall, it isn't the easiest thing to do to reserve tables together for a group of our size.
Plus, I just was contacted yesterday concerning an alleged comment from the DJ, about the "rude tran-ies" I figure there could be some truth to his bigotry because last week when Liz and I went to the same place by ourselves, he was glaring at us when he first arrived and we were sitting next to his karaoke set up.
We will see if the problems will be raised by the person who told me or not.
It's too bad because Liz and I had a great time with another transgender woman we know and her partner.
The virtual meeting is tonight. It's the monthly board meeting of Rainbow Elderly Alliance. I am sure we will have reports on Pride in Dayton, Ohio.
Finally, looking slightly ahead, Sunday is my youngest grandson's birthday and we will be making the trip up to the Dayton, Ohio suburbs for the party. It will be different because Liz and I are on a strict sugar/flour free diet we just started. So we have to pack and bring our own food. I will mention more about the diet in an upcoming post.
I leave you now with this thought:
"My wife is a trans widow. When asked how she's been able to handle my transition, she'll tell you that she had to, first, mourn the loss of the man she married. So did I, really. We've been married for 49 years, but it's not the same marriage that we had for the first 40. I know, however, that it would have ended altogether had I continued with the deceit that accompanied and facilitated my cross dressing. I was lying to her and to myself, because I was never really a cross dresser. Even after I came to realize that fact, I continued to live a double life (unsuccessfully, for the most part) for a number of years.
Thanks for stopping by Cyrsti's Condo.
The “It’s Showtime” host spoke on the topic in the May 14 episode of the noontime program, during its Tawag ng Tanghalan segment.
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| Photo by Norbu GYACHUNG on Unsplash |
"A trans widow is a woman (usually heterosexual) whose male partner or husband believes that they have a gender identity other than “man” or who cross-dresses. Often women also report having experienced that their husband or partner has autogynephilic (AGP).
Women in this situation report feeling like their male partner has died. This is particularly true if the partner or husband came out as transgender and decided to transition. The transformation is usually so complete that their partner is unrecognizable as the man they married. Both in looks and personality."
Back to me. My wife and I of 25 years literally waged a gender war of attrition. She unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack when she was 50. Crossdressing on my part was no problem with her but she drew the line when I discussed the possibility of hormone replacement therapy. I am not proud of the times I went behind her back to explore the feminine world and then tried to lie to her about it. My problem was I did love her deeply and selfishly tried to live both sides of the gender spectrum.
Perhaps some of you have attempted to go down the same road before it became too difficult to do.
Over the years, I have found life is but a circle and the time I was down and out was repaid by the life I have now. I was able to find and get along with a cis woman who totally accepts my transgender self. I need to point out though the person I found could have just as easily been a man. Selfishly though, I have always been around women in my life so staying with woman was always easier.
In my case I guess I have been a true transgender widow since my wife passed away in 2007.
Yesterday was therapy day. I have mentioned many times here in Cyrsti's Condo how long I have been with my VA therapist. She is my original therapist with the VA who helped me with my hormone replacement therapy program as well as the paper work to get my legal name change rolling. In other words, a long time.
During most sessions she asks me about the blog and this session our discussion here on "Confidence" caught her attention. Yesterday, it really did when I quoted the conversation here by saying "Confidence is our one greatest accessory." She was so impressed, she wrote it down.
Most of the time I forget I have to backtrack with her and explain what I am saying. An example would be the process we transgender women and men go through to live a new life as our authentic selves. According to Connie, it's a wall:
" I remember much discussion, here on CC, about sitting on the wall (straddling the fence). That may be one degree past being up against the wall, but it's where many of us end up for far too long. Once I had built up enough nerve to make the jump to the other side, I found it to be a soft landing - and I have walked confidently on this side of the wall ever since."
Thanks for the comment! I always referred to my "wall" as a slippery slope. The more I experimented living in a feminine world, sure it was scary but it felt so natural. Finally I made the decision to permanently put my male persona in the closet and live 24/7 as a transgender woman.
Perhaps the teacher will learn just a little more to help the next novice trans person she encounters. I keep telling my therapist to consider just the smallest gender aspect of her life she takes for granted and reverse it. Another example would be when she wakes up in the morning. She has the gender privilege of knowing she is a woman. Most of us knew it too but had to really work to express it.
It's really wonderful when the teacher learns too.
Finally an old picture.
Archive Image from Witches Ball Tom on Left. Ditching good with better has always been a difficult obstacle in my life. I always blame my...
