Playing the Victim as a Trans Woman

Image from Jen Theodore on UnSplash

It has always been easy for me to play the victim at times during my life.

Primarily, when times started to get rough in my male life, I could day dream of escaping into my female world .Usually I try to point out after a particular difficult day on the football practice field, I could wistfully take a look at the cheerleaders not so far away and instantly feel better. Of course, I was quickly brought back to reality by my position coach. Or by the offensive lineman who was intent of driving me into the ground. 

Over time my escapism became a habit, especially when I discovered how intense my feelings became when I cross dressed and interacted with my mirror. Suddenly I was not the victim anymore when I looked at the girl in the mirror. Which was all good until I found I wanted so much more than an image of a girl, I wanted to test my new self in the world. 

At the same time, my work was training me not to be a victim. As I rose higher and higher in management structures, I learned the buck stopped with me and I was only as good as my employees who worked with me. My problem then became carrying the same ideas over to my life as a novice transgender woman. Even though, I was still married to my second wife and was interacting with many many strangers on a regular basis, I was still extremely isolated and alone with my gender issues. Just cross dressing in front of the mirror wasn't enough and still I felt as if I was a victim. Why did I have to suffer from extreme bouts of gender dysphoria. 

The answer was always the same, I was stuck with who I was and I needed to somehow make the best of the situation. I dedicated my life to finding out more and more of what my wife was telling me when she told me I knew nothing about being a woman. I learned I did not and instead of being a victim, I needed a way to be allowed behind the feminine gender curtain. It wasn't until I made the decision to put my cross dressing ways mentally behind me and pursued ways to enter the world as a transgender woman did I begin to make serious inroads towards my dream. I know I am just dealing with labels to some but to me the distinction between transgender and cross dresser was huge for one major reason. A cross dresser to me just wanted to look like a woman and a transgender person wanted to be a woman. My ideas led to several spirited discussions on message boards as you can imagine.

As life moved on, I hated to be called a victim and did all I could to avoid it. I went to any extent possible to not going back to my former self feeling sorry for himself. In my own way, I felt proud of the fact I had been able to put all the self destructive behavior behind me. I was especially happy my suicide attempt had failed because I found I still had so much to live for if only I was able to reach out and grasp it. It was amazing when I stopped being a victim and was trying to live two gender lives was behind me. The pressure was off and my mental health improved. 

Playing the victim as a trans woman just didn't work for me. I did not have to worry anymore about what gender I would have to live as on any given day. When my dominate feminine self was finally given her chance to live, she took over and made my life worth living again. The icing on the cake so to speak was when she was able to make and flourish with a whole new set of friends which included my wife Liz. All of them never knew my old male self and I was able to build a new person from the ground up. 

Life was exciting and fun again or maybe for the first time ever. My old male self predictably knew how to be successful but never knew how to make friends and be satisfied. I was so fortunate to have been able to slip behind the feminine gender curtain and discover how the other half lived. I was accepted and loved it and never had to turn back.  

Nine Lives Lost-So Far

Casper Taub

The grim reality is the trans suicides keep mounting. Not long ago in April A bullied 15-year-old transgender skater from West Bloomfield, Michigan died from suicide.

Casper Taub's death was brought to national attention Wednesday (15 July) night in Caitlyn Jenner’s powerful speech at the ESPY Awards.

Taub, who was also known as Sam, skated under the number 57 and his teammates in the Darlings of Destruction Junior Derby League remember him as ‘a bright and shining star’ whose ‘sense of humor was fantastic.’

He is the ninth transgender teen to die by suicide this year.

Jenner spoke about transgender suicide in her emotional ESPYs speech and paid tribute to Taub and 17-year-old Mercedes Williamson – a transgender woman of color was found stabbed to death in a field in Mississippi.

‘I also want to tell you about Sam Taub, a 15-year-old transgender young man from Bloomfield, Michigan,’ Jenner said.

‘In early April, Sam took his own life. Now, Sam’s story haunts me in particular because his death came just a few days before ABC aired my interview with Diane Sawyer.'

It's easy for me to place the tragic blame on conservative families, religious bigots and poorly supervised schools- but then again maybe I am right. 

Tear Down the Walls?

This story was one of the leads last night on Channel 12 TV in Cincinnati:

" SHARONVILLE, Ohio (Angenette Levy) -- The pastor of Leelah Alcorn's church has written a blog discussing the need to "tear down walls" in reference to transgender issues.

Pastor Tim Tripp works at the Northeast Church of Christ. He posted on his blog February 11. The post "Can Tragedy Bring Us Together?" details Tripp's thoughts on Alcorn's suicide and the transgender issue.

Tripp wrote, "I can't help but wonder what would happen if people on both sides of the wall would stop thinking of ways to vent their anger on both sides of the wall would stop thinking of ways to vent their anger toward the other side but instead just reach over the wall and grab a hand on the other side."

Alcorn's suicide sparked outrage and sadness around the world. She wrote a suicide note in which she discussed the need for gender issues to be taught in school. She also said her death needed to mean something.

Lindsey Deaton, who identifies as a transgender woman, was overjoyed by the blog post.

"How amazing. How wonderful. He has reached out. He has written. There is something, I mean this is a really big gesture," Deaton said.  "This is a huge gesture so number one I'm really thankful and grateful and I am a believer. I'm Roman Catholic so my first thought was wow, God is good all the time, God is good all of the time. That's my reaction."

Go here for this promising story.  In addition, Channel 12 I believe is doing a follow up story on Lindsey Deaton.  Go here for more.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

"Kerplunk!" Good morning kids, the first Condo Sunday Edition of 2015 has hit your virtual front porch!  Get a hot steamy cup o joe, curl up in those new Christmas "jammies" and lets get started.


Page 1.- The Week that Was - or Wasn't.  The new year started on an incredibly sad and tragic note when the ongoing epidemic of transgender suicides hit home.  This time, incredibly close to us in the Condo area.  Unless you are living in a cave or in one of my Facebook groups where sharing stupid pictures of yourself is more important than commenting-you have heard of 17 year old transgender girl Leelah Alcorn's suicide on New Years Eve. Around here in Ohio, her memory is being honored with vigils.  The first was held around here in Cincinnati, then Springfield and Dayton-both just up the road.  Two points.  The first was the number one news station in Cincy had a lengthy story on the vigil this morning with the proper pronouning AND (THANKS!) reported vigils are happening as far away as London, England! It makes a difference Paula and Vicki and all you trans girls across the pond.
And two:  of course Leelah's bigoted parents are still reportedly calling her their son but as a transgender community we are gaining ally's and understanding again from people on the edge. The ones who didn't really know much.  It's tough, a very positive happening from the worst of all circumstances-a young transgender woman offering herself up as a martyr. 
Page 2.-Cha-Cha-Changes.  The end of 2014 marked my third year on HRT-almost.  I say almost because when I started my minimum dosage of HRT, when I wanted to step up my dosage (under medical care) I had to go through six months of bureaucratic B.S. with the Veterans Administration to claim my benefits as a transgender veteran.  Somewhere along the line, I heard it takes around three years for the hormonal effects to really set in. I am a complete believer in the timeline now after November/December of last year, I believe it.  All of the sudden, I went on some sort of fast forward mode mentally and physically.
Page 3.- The Back Page.  Looking ahead, it seems the world as a whole and in my little universe can't move any faster than it has recently.  I think!  Personally, my hopes for growth in 2015 are overwhelmingly in the spiritual area.  I hope what ever dreams you all have for the new year are achievable and come true. Look at it this way though, if you don't have dreams-that's the biggest tragedy of all.  Thanks for visiting Cyrsti's Condo!! Luv ya all!