Playing the Victim as a Trans Woman

Image from Jen Theodore on UnSplash

It has always been easy for me to play the victim at times during my life.

Primarily, when times started to get rough in my male life, I could day dream of escaping into my female world .Usually I try to point out after a particular difficult day on the football practice field, I could wistfully take a look at the cheerleaders not so far away and instantly feel better. Of course, I was quickly brought back to reality by my position coach. Or by the offensive lineman who was intent of driving me into the ground. 

Over time my escapism became a habit, especially when I discovered how intense my feelings became when I cross dressed and interacted with my mirror. Suddenly I was not the victim anymore when I looked at the girl in the mirror. Which was all good until I found I wanted so much more than an image of a girl, I wanted to test my new self in the world. 

At the same time, my work was training me not to be a victim. As I rose higher and higher in management structures, I learned the buck stopped with me and I was only as good as my employees who worked with me. My problem then became carrying the same ideas over to my life as a novice transgender woman. Even though, I was still married to my second wife and was interacting with many many strangers on a regular basis, I was still extremely isolated and alone with my gender issues. Just cross dressing in front of the mirror wasn't enough and still I felt as if I was a victim. Why did I have to suffer from extreme bouts of gender dysphoria. 

The answer was always the same, I was stuck with who I was and I needed to somehow make the best of the situation. I dedicated my life to finding out more and more of what my wife was telling me when she told me I knew nothing about being a woman. I learned I did not and instead of being a victim, I needed a way to be allowed behind the feminine gender curtain. It wasn't until I made the decision to put my cross dressing ways mentally behind me and pursued ways to enter the world as a transgender woman did I begin to make serious inroads towards my dream. I know I am just dealing with labels to some but to me the distinction between transgender and cross dresser was huge for one major reason. A cross dresser to me just wanted to look like a woman and a transgender person wanted to be a woman. My ideas led to several spirited discussions on message boards as you can imagine.

As life moved on, I hated to be called a victim and did all I could to avoid it. I went to any extent possible to not going back to my former self feeling sorry for himself. In my own way, I felt proud of the fact I had been able to put all the self destructive behavior behind me. I was especially happy my suicide attempt had failed because I found I still had so much to live for if only I was able to reach out and grasp it. It was amazing when I stopped being a victim and was trying to live two gender lives was behind me. The pressure was off and my mental health improved. 

Playing the victim as a trans woman just didn't work for me. I did not have to worry anymore about what gender I would have to live as on any given day. When my dominate feminine self was finally given her chance to live, she took over and made my life worth living again. The icing on the cake so to speak was when she was able to make and flourish with a whole new set of friends which included my wife Liz. All of them never knew my old male self and I was able to build a new person from the ground up. 

Life was exciting and fun again or maybe for the first time ever. My old male self predictably knew how to be successful but never knew how to make friends and be satisfied. I was so fortunate to have been able to slip behind the feminine gender curtain and discover how the other half lived. I was accepted and loved it and never had to turn back.