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| Outreach Image. JJ Hart, Cincinnati Trans Wellness Conference |
Throughout my life, I have experienced difficulties with staying in the present.
Perhaps it all started when I started to raid my Mom's wardrobe and makeup and then briefly feeling really good about it. Then when the warm feelings began to fade, the day dreams began to set in. I could not wait to get in front of the mirror again.
As my life as a cross dresser grew more complex, so did my efforts to day dream my time away until I could attempt to enter the feminine world again. As I always say, I wish I could get back just a small portion of the time back I wasted on day dreaming of my gender issues.
Plus, all the day dreaming in the world could not keep me in the present as far as my ongoing life as a male was going. The more I needed to learn about successfully navigating a world I did not want to be in, the more I wanted out. Especially when I hit puberty and was facing all the changes testosterone was doing to my body. I did not want all the new angles to my body as well as the extra hated body hair which I had no choice over. I wanted all the curves the girls around me had. Changes I fight to this day through my gender affirming hormones or HRT.
Ironically, I still struggle with my overall concentration as evidenced in my answers given to the nurse practitioner at the VA who monitors my depression meds and blood work. She always asks how my concentration is and I always answer fair and we move on. We have never really explored my answer and how I equate it with my life as a transgender woman. I guess it is our own version of don't ask, don't tell. She in fact has always known I am trans and has never held it against me.
For the longest time, the only person holding transphobic thoughts about me, was me. As I played the victim in my own life, I had an even harder time staying in the present. The main problem was I was attempting to lead a life with feet firmly planted in both binary genders. Being a man one day and a woman the next just was not a good way to live. In fact, my life was ripping me apart and causing me to mentally run. So I was increasingly not staying in the present as I played gender favorites in my head. My life as a transgender woman was so exciting and wonderful, my man self finally could not compete anymore.
Then there was the anxiety of how my sexuality would play out if I transitioned into trans womanhood. Since I had never been sexually or emotionally attracted to a man, how would I survive if a man approached me after I had transitioned. Could I take myself out of the present and satisfy a man when I had no experience. I quickly found I did not have to worry when all of the sudden I was surrounded by women when I jumped the gender border. I gladly stayed where I was when it came to my sexuality and began to identify with the lesbians who were friends of mine.
I can't really say I can stay in the present any better at this time in my life than ever before. Hormones or not, I feel I am more in tune with the world around me. Which counts for everything.
