Gender Variables

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archives

When I was first looking at myself cross dressed in the mirror and when the mirror was lying to me, I felt as if I was well on the road to understanding what my life may be like if I ever had the courage to transition.

Of course I had no idea of the obstacles and challenges I would need to face as I attempted to live a life I had only dreamed of. There were plenty of times when I woke up in the morning following a vivid feminine dream wishing I was still the female I dreamed of being. The problem being was dreams don't ever equal reality. 

Reality meant I needed to learn all the gender variables I would have to learn the hard way if I was ever be able to follow my dream and live full time as a transgender woman. The first example I ran into was how I was dressing myself. I mistook trashy for sexy and tried to validate myself as a woman by trying to dress as a teenaged girl. Happily, I learned quite quickly I was dressing for the wrong gender. I was dressing how my male self thought I should, when in fact I should have been dressing to blend in with the other cis women around me. Cis women are women who were born female. 

Once I started to be able to blend in with and exist in the world as a visible feminine person, I found out again the hard way, how many gender variables I still needed to face head on. The main issue I always mention is how quickly I needed to learn to communicate in public. Unlike the mirror, these people really wanted to talk to me. At the time, I had barely given any thought of how my voice as a woman would even sound to another person. What I ended up doing was I tried to mimic the woman's voice who was talking to me. Men, for the most part, left me alone so I didn't have to worry about them. I think other women were just curious why I was trying to live in their world. Whatever the case, I needed a vocal or communication plan and quickly.

What I learned was women (as I already knew) operated on a totally different wave length than men. There were to be no more direct conversations which men do so well. I needed to learn the power of non verbal communication clues as well as the passive aggressive nature that women deal with. There were many times I ended up with scars on my back when I thought a smiling face meant support. All a part of dealing with the new gender variables I was learning.

As it turned out, I was learning new layers of the feminine gender I had only dreamed of living. Plus I was ultra confident I made all the discoveries I could when along came  even more challenges. At that point I developed the small group of women friends I needed to rise to the next level of gender variables I needed to face. Often I was terrified but determined to stay the course I was on. 

I learned once and for all what I had always known deep down. Women live a much more layered existence than men. Little did I know I would end up living all the gender variables and then some as I lived my life as a trans woman. 

A Night with the Boys

 

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

Way back in the early days of going to what were known then as "transvestite" mixers, I ended up having a very special experience, In essence, I was still out with the boys, without my wife, it was just they were all dressed as women. 

The evening started innocently enough, with the usual sizing up of those cross dressers around us. A little bit of everyone was there from those cross dressers who were desperately trying to hold on to their masculine selves, all the way to the glamorous "A" listers who formed their own cliques. What I didn't know was during the evening, the group organizers were providing a few makeovers from professional makeup artists. 

I was intrigued by thinking I could be chosen for a makeover if I could fight through my fear to do it. Somehow I managed to land a makeover spot and then had to remove all the makeup I had spent so long to apply. Plus my ego thought I looked pretty good. I was to find out I was wrong.

There were several artists working, of both genders. It turned I was lucky and got one of the guys who were working diligently trying to do the impossible. In my case, he did do the impossible and I went through a magical transformation. To make matters better (or worse), along the way the make up guy was trying to explain all the techniques he was using to transform my face. I did my best to remember everything he told me and in the end run, he helped me to understand things such as the power of using a small amount of blush to highlight certain areas of my face. 

All too soon he finished his work and told me to put my wig back on. I could not believe the transformation and in my mind I was so excited  to show off my new look to the rest of the group. I did receive several compliments which cemented my desire to do more when the "A" listers went out on their own after the mixer was over. They normally went to some sort of a gay or lesbian venue to continue the party. To be able to go, I needed to be invited, so I began to seek out the one of the small group I knew and essentially invited myself along. I succeeded and managed to tag along for a night with the boys, all cross dressed as very attractive women. 

On this night, I was able to continue my own "Cinderella" experience when the group decided to call a taxi cab and go to an even smaller venue which to me looked as if it was a neighborhood tavern of some sort. It was somewhere in Cleveland, Ohio, which is all I remember now. This all happened during the pre-video game era and the place had two pinball machines. After I ordered a drink, I was able to find a couple quarters in my purse and started to play one of the games. Before long, a man approximately my age came up and wanted to play the same game with me so I had a decision to make. 

The rest of the group was wanting to leave and if I stayed, I would have to either call another cab or somehow depend upon this guy I had just met to get me back to the hotel. I made the split second decision to take the safe way out and leave with the "A" listers I came with. Before I did, to rub it in,  I made sure they knew I was approached by a guy and they weren't. 

From then on, I was more or less accepted by the group although I never had their privileged negative attitude which was so judgmental to others. However, from then on I was always searching for another "Cinderella" moment when I was able to spend a night with the boys without my wife. Partly because she normally always came along.

 Sadly, it never came again. 

Role Model

 

Image from Averie Woodard
on UnSplash

I have a close acquaintance who is taking a giant step forward in her transgender world.

She is stepping out of her comfort zone and will apply for a new job as her authentic feminine self. I was fortunate to be at one of her first attempts to explain why she was coming out of the closet which was tormenting her so much. I remember thinking at the time how far she had to go on her journey as I wished her the best.

During the following years, she has faced the same issues as other transgender women and trans men face, from marriage issues to kids and family decisions to decide upon. She has been very open on social media about her struggles. Including public pushback when her wife and her go out to eat. She lives very close to me and I know the venues she has had problems in and I understand why. In fact, I have had some problems also in one of the venues and we never went back.

Even with all of that, she pushed on and is now trying to take her transgender life to another level. Her current job is a truck driver which of course presented it's own level of challenge at every stop she made. She transitioned on the job and literally changed  her outward appearance overnight. I really respect the courage it took for her to take on her work world the way she did. Now the challenge she is seeking is to apply for another job (in the same industry) but in a whole different job as her feminine self as a logistical scheduler of sorts. 

If she gets this job or not, she is a true role model for others in the transgender community. To step out of her old gender comfort zone and sever ties with her old life as a man is remarkable.  It's a giant step forward. 

I am far from an expert in finding a job in todays' world. But from what I am reading in Cincinnati alone there are a few companies who are LGBTQ+ inclusive and offer employment possibilities to aid in a person's transition. It's good for both parties as the company can hire a good employee and the trans person is able to take a giant leap forward and support themselves financially in their new world. 

As I circle back to the person I know who is applying for the new job, I am sure this is just the beginning one way or another for her to step forward into a life she has always dreamed of. I hope she gets the job on the first try! 

Even though I am retired and don't have to face the work world as a transgender woman, I can still see a role model when I know one. 

The Good Fight

Image from Fred Moon 
on UnSplash

Often, our biggest enemy we face when we transition from one binary gender to another is ourselves. 

In the case of male to female gender transitioners the male ego never wants to give up his control. In my case it was a fight to the bitter end. A fight which nearly killed me. As along the way my old male self seized upon every means possible to preserve his existence and furthermore, he never fought fair. He felt he carried all the cards and only played any when he was pressed to do so. 

Through it all, what he never counted on was the inherent strength of my inner feminine self. Along the way he was ego driven to the point where he thought dressing as a transgender woman was simply a hobby he had to relieve the stresses of the world. When in reality, the opposite was true. She was letting him continue to express his masculine self while she bided her time and waited for her chance to shine in the world. 

As I continued to explore the world as my feminine self, it became clear to me who the winner of my gender struggle would be. Every step of the way in my brave new world felt so natural. Before I knew it my so called even split living life the best I could as a male and a female became more and more female and when I was spending life as a male, all I did was dream of what my next step would be as a woman. Where would I go and what would I do?

Of course the biggest problem I faced was my male self held the power cards such as family, friends and finances. The most powerful card he held was the influence he had with my wife of twenty five years who I desperately loved. She wanted nothing to do with my female and created the ultimate catfight between two women. In the meantime, in protest to having less and less influence in my life, my male self made my existence miserable, ruined my mental health and led me to try a suicide one night. He was prepared to risk my entire life just to maintain his. In addition, he pushed me into more and more alcohol abusive situations. Happily, I was able to end his influence when I transitioned before I seriously damaged my body. 

None of any of that mattered to my male self as he fought the good fight and slowly but surely was sliding down a very slippery gender slope. Deep down he knew every successful moment my novice transgender self experienced, the fewer chances he would have to claim his existence.  In typical male fashion, he moved ahead fighting change at every turn without thinking of the final outcome. In the process, he was making himself and everyone around him miserable. 

Finally he knew enough was enough and with the help of a few very close cis-women friends I took the leap and transitioned into a new life as a transgender woman. The slope I mentioned abruptly ended and I went into a gender free fall. Little did I know at the time how strong my inner female was and how much she appreciated finally being free and having the chance to run my life. 

It turned out she really knew how to fight the good fight since she had been fighting her entire life to live an authentic life. There are days, I wish I would have intervened in my gender fight earlier in life but as it stands now I have to live with what I did. 

Carry on Baggage

My wife Liz (right) and I with
Brutus Buckeye in the
Ohio State student union...

Those of you who have transitioned genders or those who are seriously considering crossing the gender border need to figure out how much baggage they will take along. If you are into sports at all (which I am) this time of year is fun to me because of all the huge football games being played.

So for me, the amount of baggage to consider was considerable. I wondered if my love of sports would have to take a back burner in my life. Because, back in those days, the choices were basically black and white with very little gray. If you remember, there were really only two groups of individuals you could identify with. Those were transvestites (or cross dressers) and the transsexuals who were headed for genital surgical intervention. Plus, after the realignment surgery, you were expected to exclude your past, move from your home and family and start your life all over.  No room for any baggage from your previous existence. 

Today fortunately is different. Mainly because cis-women of all sorts these days have or are living more diverse lives. The lines between male and female genders have been blurred. 

In my case I found out the easy way how much baggage I could bring with me. When I basically gave up on going to gay venues for any number of reasons such as being overall rejected as a drag queen or hating the music. I found I much preferred going back to the big sports bar venues I used to enjoy as a guy. Ironically, I found I was discriminated to less in the sports bars where I could order a large beer and watch my favorite sports team dressed as a transgender woman. Outside of a few notable exceptions I was able to establish myself as a regular by minding my own business and tipping well. I also found I could use all the help I could get as I researched if I could indeed add sports to my baggage as a trans woman.

On a higher level, I even found I could meet other women who were into sports and become friends I could interact with on a regular basis. Over the years I had a great time with them meeting and arguing sports with our tight little group of women.  

When I learned I could take on the biggest baggage carry on I could imagine, the rest of my life became so much easier. I could concentrate on learning from my women friends who happened to be lesbians all I could concerning my new life as a transgender woman. Especially valuable to me was the fact I was finally able to validate my gender dream. In other words, I didn't did a man to be seen with to validate me anymore. 

As I said, the ability to establish my new life and bring quite a bit of carry on baggage with me made my transition so much easier. Hopefully, you will have the chance to validate your new self also and make friends in the process. I would also be remiss if I didn't mention my wife Liz who took a chance on me when she saw my on line profile. She is the cis woman who told me a decade ago she didn't see any maleness in me and why didn't I throw the rest of my male life away and live full time as a trans woman. Her validation naturally was tremendous.

As with any carry on baggage, you naturally will find items you didn't really need but having the time to live a new life to find out what you can't live without, is important as you move on. 

Doing the Right Thing

 

Image from this Thanksgiving 
and the Jessie Hart Archives

At the most successful restaurant management job I ever had in my life, the company's main training point was to do the right thing.

Early in my life, I felt dressing as a girl or woman in any way was not doing the right thing. I suffered tons of guilt as I embarked along what turned out to be a long winding gender road. At certain roadblocks I found I needed to do the right thing again and again. Early examples came along when I needed to learn to dress my age and begin to blend in with the world. Often, doing the right thing for my inner feminine self came during the times I was soundly rejected by the public and came home in tears.

Perhaps the next step came around when I needed I had to finally leave my love affair with my mirror and begin to let the public be my mirror. It turned out it was one of the best moves I had made to that point in my journey. The whole process forced me to communicate with the world as a novice transgender woman and prove to myself the path I was on was the right one and it was leading me past the idea I had entertained for years I was simply a weekend, part-time cross dresser. Mainly because I felt so natural when I was living as a trans woman. 

Undoubtedly, I was doing the right thing with my life but there were so many challenges ahead. The more gender doors which opened, the more doors were still closed to me. A prime example was until I totally committed to living as a woman, I couldn't secure my permission to go behind closed gender doors and play in the girls sandbox.

Finally I arrived at the point where I needed to decide if I would subject myself to life changing hormone replacement therapy. After much soul searching and securing a doctor's approval, I decided to stay on the femininization road I was on and keep going. By doing so I knew I would be giving up what was left of my old male life. All male privileges I fought so hard for were gone and I was still searching for any female privileges which were still to come. The important point is I was still exploring my gender world to make sure I was still doing the right thing. After all, it was a major move. 

Perhaps the final chapter of if I really did the right thing won't happen until my final chapters are written, How will I be treated if or when I have to be admitted to an assisted living  situation. And finally will I be mis-gendered when I pass away. My only younger brother as already said he will never refer to me as my new legal name so that is that. 

In anyone's' life, doing the right thing is often the most difficult road a person can take. Especially when your life involves being transgender.

Thanksgiving and Beyond

Image from Kevin Dowling
on UnSplash

 As much as Thanksgiving was always a given as a time to meet up with family and eat a delicious feast.  Early on, the day was more enjoyable because one of my right wing nephews at that time did not want to start a political argument with me. 

Through it all, in the back of my mind, I knew something was wrong. In my own way, I was engaging in impostor syndrome. I wasn't the man I was portraying to be. Each year I used alcohol to dim the pain and move on the best I could. Even though I had very little control over Thanksgiving itself, there was a day I still thought eventually I may have some control over. The day in question was the Black Friday shopping event my second wife always insisted on going to. This all happened in the latter part of 2005.

Finally, I waited long enough or persisted long enough I was able to try out a Black Friday shopping experience on my own at a well known mall close to where I lived. My opportunity to cross another feminine experience off of my novice transgender woman check list came when I learned my wife (who worked in retail) had to work on Black Friday morning. Suddenly, since I didn't go in to my job until late in the afternoon, I had my chance to experience the shopping madness which was Black Friday as a woman.

When the day finally arrived and my wife left for work, my time to get dressed in my best sweater, skirt and comfortable shoes, added my blond wig, sensible make up and was ready to go. I was excited about finally having the chance to again live my dream. 

Once I arrived at the mall, predictably parking spots were at a premium but I finally found one. From there I had to gather my courage and enter the mall. Once I was in the shopping area, all my nerves faded away and I was able to concentrate on the relatively short time I had to fulfill a long term dream of mine. I wanted to experience the estrogen laden atmosphere of Black Friday.

All too soon, as I browsed a few of the stores for a gift or two, I found in particular no one paid me any attention at all. It was so crowded with mainly women, I was able to blend in with no problem. It was time for me to return to my boring unwanted male life and move on back to my impostor syndrome. I was learning I was never a guy cross dressing as a woman. I was a woman cross dressing as a guy.  

After I went into my work and became immersed in my job, at the least I was still mentally able to bask in the glow of being able to live out one of my big feminine dreams... to experience a Black Friday shopping experience as a transgender woman. As it turned out, my start to the holiday season was destined to grow and grow into one of the major holidays for me. Replacing even Halloween. Throughout the month of December, I will be writing more in depth about my times as I grew into a fulltime trans woman.

Thanksgiving Day and Covid

Just before Thanksgiving I was scheduled to receive my latest Covid vaccination update. I have to go to my local small Veteran's Administration clinic to get a shot in the arm.

We shall see if their amazing transition into an inclusive environment continues. Over the years they used to repeatedly refer to me as "Mr. Hart" or even "Sir". It seemed nothing more than a formal complaint from me could change the way I was treated.

Before I could file a complaint, however the whole place started to change. When I was called to go back for my appointment, I went from "Mr. Hart" to my legal feminine name which is on file with the VA. Plus, now the VA even has a place on their intake forms for transgender individuals.  I don't know what really happened but the change was night and day. I am not for sure but perhaps they changed out head administers for the clinic. I don't really care, I just appreciate the difference.

In addition, I hope I don't have any negative reactions to the vaccine because my wife Liz and I are scheduled to go to a family get together with my daughter's in laws. In addition to great food, I always enjoy the gender affirming experience as I am accepted by everyone. Especially from my transgender grand child. 

This time of the year is always bittersweet for me. In the past my deceased second wife really went all out. From feeding a big family on her own to extensive Christmas decorations, she did it all. Our big pre-civil war era house was ideal for her to serve a big dinner as well as putting up all the decorations. Remembering all of her work makes up the sad part of my bittersweet existence as I had to sell all of my wife's decorations.   

On the bright side (or sweet) part of the season all began when I began to do most all of my Christmas shopping cross dressed as a woman. As the holiday season approaches, I will go into more detail how the entire process worked for me. In the meantime I will tell you it all worked out very well. Maybe too well because I found shopping for others as my feminine self turned out to be a very enjoyable experience. 

I even went out shopping on the infamous "Black Friday" mall day surrounded by many many crazy shoppers who the majority of were women. I learned in a potentially stressful situation in a crowd of people, it is easier to disappear. In the meantime, learning to dress to blend and for comfort became of the distances involved when I went out.

There is much more to describing my experiences as I grew into being a successful transgender woman and how the season helped me. 

In the meantime, I hope you have some sort of family whom accepts you and you can enjoy your Thanksgiving. 

Transgender Day of Remembrance

TDOR, or Transgender Day of Remembrance was observed Monday here in Cincinnati as well as many other places. 

According to the  "Human Rights Campaign" at least thirty three transgender women and men have been tragically murdered since the last TDOR. This total only includes the United States and not the world. I say at least because sadly no one knows for sure how many other deaths could be attributed to gender violence. 

How tragic is it we trans individuals and allies have to observe this somber day every year along with the increasing amount of violence we feel daily. An example to increasing pressure on the transgender community comes from here in Ohio where currently there are five bills pending in the legislature. The bills range from anti restroom bills all the way to restrictions on trans athletes all the way to drag shows. Of  course these bills all are being pushed by a major political party which is not the Democratic one. 

Of course each of these bills do nothing to battle the anti-transgender sentiment in the public's eye which in turn can result in increased violence. It's no secret either, the vast majority of the trans deaths came from the minority community and are younger. 

Much of these statistics are aided by the fact the trans community still suffers from societies' inequities when it comes to jobs, education and health care. And, lets not forget the number of transgender youth who are rejected by their families and end up trying to live on the streets. 

I am fortunate to live in a metropolitan area which has several LGBTQ+ resources but it is never enough. On the other hand, if one life is saved, the effort is worth while. Hopefully you live in an area where similar resources are available. If not, perhaps you have a suicide help line to help if you are having mental health issues because of your gender problems.

One way or another, take the time to remember all of those who tragically died during the previous year and if you are so inclined, offer up a small prayer for those who are still being threatened. 

Stair Step Method

 

Image from Monica Sauro 
on UnSplash...

Every now and then I am asked how I managed to navigate a marriage, a male life and still transition to a feminine transgender life. It certainly was not easy.

I approached it this way, I took it one step at a time. I needed to prove to myself I could take on and conquer each challenge. Early on, the challenge simply meant looking the best I could as a woman. Then it all got so complicated. Each stair step required more and more work, especially when I needed to move fully out of my mirror and take on the world. 

Along the way, I became more goal orientated than I ever was in my male life. Unexpectedly at first  I was surprised when so many strangers wanted to interact with me. The strangers were mostly women who I think were mostly curious of why I wanted to enter their gender world. I needed to quickly add another step in my transition from one binary gender (male) to another (female) and start to communicate face to face with people I didn't know. I was traumatized since first I am very shy and second, here I was trying to modulate my voice to a feminine level and come up with feminine things to say. It was a huge step to take. 

To add into this step, I had to settle in on how I was going to look. No more going to the same venues with different wigs thinking I wouldn't be noticed. Of course I was and as I ascended to the next step there would be no more changing wigs and names when I was meeting the same strangers. As I said, all of this happened so fast, it was a blur to me looking back. 

Other giant steps I took were when I decided (finally) I was no longer a man trying to look like a woman (or cross dresser) and a man who deeply wanted to discard my life and live as my authentic feminine self. If I could climb more steps to get there. I needed to keep trying more and more venues to see where I would be accepted. Which included bathroom privileges. Most of the time I was successful except the notable times when people called the cops on me or I was banned by management. Nothing stopped me though and I just kept trying to find venues who valued my money. I always minded my own business and tipped well, so normally the employee's liked me.

Through all of this, I was desperately trying to negotiate a very serious twenty five year marriage. I guess you could say I was trying my best to build in hidden steps to save what was left of my relationship when all along my second wife hated the idea of me moving towards me living as a transgender woman. 

It wasn't until she passed away, did I take possibly the biggest stair step of all, being approved for and starting hormone replacement therapy or HRT. My body took to the new hormones so naturally, I wondered why I had waited so long. I just couldn't because of the woman I loved as well as being afraid to give up what was left of my male self.

Looking back at all the gender steps I took. I must have been a fairly good carpenter or gender contractor because I was able to arrive at my impossible goal of living full time as a transgender woman. Somehow, I managed to never fall and hurt myself along the way except the times when my ego was bruised which is the topic for another post.  

Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

The Audacity of It

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

When you view the transgender community from the outside, I'm sure more than a few people, other wise known as transphobes, think we are nothing more than a group of people asking for audacious demands. 

I know with me, I often felt audacious in my demands on my wives as I transitioned towards being a transgender woman. After all, my wives were seemingly making all the sacrifices in the relationship as their man faded away. Through it all, yes I did feel guilty but at the same time, there was nothing I could do. Gender change was impossible as I journeyed along the path to eventually leaving my male self behind. Since deep down I knew there was nothing I could do about my gender issues (and or cross dressing), I knew my wives would eventually have to get over their misgivings and I would get my way. 

Also, I need to say both my first and second wives knew I was a cross dresser before we were married. I don't think either woman really cared until it came to me becoming more serious about living increasingly fulltime as a woman. My first wife was very easy going and never really pressured me before we broke up. My second wife was much more opinionated and did participate somewhat with my transgender self but never really liked my feminine self for whatever reason. From the beginning and all the way until she passed away, she drew the line at me starting hormone replacement therapy and taking another giant step along my gender path.

The audacity of it all came when she said she didn't sign up with me to be with another woman and she was right. There was nothing I could say. I will forever wonder if she ever would have come to get along with the woman I always was before she died. Of course I will never find out.

Then there are all the transgender haters or transphobes who have the ability to change our lives in the real world or as keyboard cowards (as I call them.) The audacity of all of them to intrude upon our lives speaks for itself. The only defense I can think of is, the transphobes can't and won't take the time to understand trans women or trans men. The unfortunate part of it is that just consider how long it takes most of us to understand our own gender issues. I know in my case, it was a real struggle to come to any understanding of what was going on in my life. 

The biggest audacity for me now is the fact I don't care what the world thinks of me. Especially transphobes and/or TERFS. Now I can face the world as my authentic feminine self with a tight knit group of family and friends around me. Plus I am a role model of sorts for my transgender grand-child. 

Being audacious all those years when I was struggling to learn the world as a transgender woman left me with so many scars. I learned the hard way to develop a thick skin and keep learning all the important lessons I needed to discover. The whole process was terrifying but all so satisfying.    

It's All a Dream

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to expand upon it a bit further. 

The idea I had was very simple. What if my whole life was nothing more than a dream? As with any dream, some are pleasant while others tend to be nightmarish. When I started my gender dreams, they were pleasant enough. Most of the dreams involved in me being very attractive and existing successfully in my dream feminine world. As it turned out, if that was all which was involved, life would have been so much easier.

Early on, I spent many hours shopping for just the right wardrobe additions so I could present better and better in the world as my dream woman. Due to financial considerations, thrift stores in particular were my friends. In fact, in most of them, I became so comfortable I started to use the changing rooms so I could try on sizes as well as styles. The whole process became so beneficial, I actually became very good at judging which styles would look good on me and even found sizes which fit me. Slowly but surely I began to transform my style into one that blended into the world from the former trashy fashion I thought looked good. My dream was telling me, all my validation as a transgender woman came from being admired by men when in fact it was other women who mattered.

Along the way, I was even able to learn to develop different wardrobe outfits for different occasions. Examples included if I was going to a lesbian bar, I would dress differently than if I was going to a summer downtown summer festival. My goal was to present as an "lipstick lesbian" in boots, jeans and blond wig in the bar but go for a much softer look with a light top, flowing slacks and dark wig when I went downtown. Even I was amazed on how fast my wardrobe had expanded so I could accomplish my goals of blending and enjoying my evenings. Especially the gay bar when a butch lesbian in a cowboy hat forced me into trying to sing karaoke with her. Something I was totally against because I was and am I totally not a good singer. To make a long story short, I managed to blurt out the only country song I knew and left...in a hurry. Her only comment I remembered hearing was my voice was lower than hers. At the least, the bartender got a laugh out of the whole affair since she knew the truth about me. 

Surprisingly to me, none of this was in my dreams. In fact, my dreams were fairly mundane when compared to how my life was turning out when I transitioned into a fulltime life as a transgender woman. No longer was I in essence playing with my gender. When I started hormone replacement therapy and finally came to the conclusion I was no longer a casual cross dresser, I knew I was no longer in a dream.

It took me years, to figure out my gender issues were much more than casual dreams. Plus, my gender was much more than a game I was playing with. These days, my sub conscious is catching up with the fact I transitioned a decade ago to living as a transwoman. I am dreaming increasingly of me as a woman.
 

Dream it To be It

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

 If you are similar to me, many times when you woke up as a kid in the morning you were saddened when you realized the experience you had was nothing more than an evil dream. In other words, in my dreams I was living life as the girl or woman I always wanted to be.

As I grew older, the dreams never went away. Instead they just became more complex and intense. Often the dreams were so intense I would have a difficult time trying to return to reality. Once I did return to my unwanted life as a male, I didn't want to be there. All along I was pursuing a highly secret life in my dark gender closet. When I did it, at the least, I could relieve the pressure of not being a feminine person the best I could do. 

Ironically, it was near this time when I started to participate in organized athletics. During my earliest days of interacting with coaches I learned the basics of muscle memory. To oversimplify the idea, it means you just repeat a motion until it becomes a habit. It turned out, over the years of learning the best I could to cross the gender border, I used the idea of applying muscle memory to certain aspects of moving as a woman. I practiced and I practiced until it became difficult to switch back to moving as my old male self. 

During this time also, I was dreaming more and more concerning the possibility I could ever live fulltime as a transgender woman. The more positive feedback I received the closer the dream became to reality. I began to seriously dream my biggest goal might become become a distant reality. I knew then I had serious work to do. I began a stairstep method to my male to female gender transition. Once I accomplished going to a certain venue, I would try another to see if I could learn anything new. The whole process was exciting and the whole time I was living my old unwanted male life I was dreaming of my next feminine step.

Possibly, the biggest step I always mention was when I needed to undertake the new world of communication as a woman with other women who showed the most interest in me of the two primary genders. For the most part, men didn't pay me much interest for whatever reason. Quickly I learned the power of non verbal signals as my life began to change as well as adjusting to a world of passive aggression.

Once I survived all of the steps I was taking to live my dream. At the same time doors all around me were opening and closing around me. By opening, my dreams could become a reality but by doing so I finally needed to take the final steps to stop all interaction with my male self. So closing became more than I bargained for and the stress became unbearable since I was risking so much. Life as I knew it as a man would be over and losing all the male privileges I worked so hard for was so scary. Mental health problems became a reality as I my ultimate dream drew closer. Of course I was worried my dream would become a nightmare.

Spoiler alert, my dream was not a nightmare and everything I hoped for became a reality as I was able to achieve my ultimate goal of living a feminine life. Call it muscle memory or anything you want but I was able to dream it to be it. I was fortunate.  

A Free Spirit

 

Image from Ivana Cajina 
on UnSplash

As I was making my gender journey to living as a full time transgender woman, I often tried to pass myself off as being a free spirited person. 

Often that carried a maybe I would go even as far as dressing up as a woman on occasion. Especially during all of my Halloween adventures, this came in handy. It also was successful when I tried all the drinking that I did. Being free spirited just led to being the instigator when it came to inviting a group of friends together for a good time. It basically all started because of my family used to get together for big parties which of course included quantities of alcohol. So the entire process seemed to be natural to me since I was raised with it. 

Another factor to consider was being a free spirit and being able to drink more than the next guy somehow made me more of a man than he was. This worked because I couldn't out compete most other guys in athletics of other competitive activities. If all else failed I could try to out drink them. Deep down inside I hope I would try to outrun all my gender issues and live what I considered at the time a more "normal" life. Needless to say the process didn't work except serving to keep me deeper in my gender closet.

Being a free spirit with the cis-women friends I had was a whole different process. In my endless search to discover what a cis-woman's life was really all about, I think I became more friends than lovers with most of the women I became serious with which were very few since I always had in the back of my mind someday I would have to sell out all my male past and leave everyone I had ever known behind. During that time, anyone who attempted the complete gender change process was expected to leave totally the life they had lived behind, move and start all over. Somehow, I never wanted to do all of that as I had established a male life which I actually liked part of.

Of course, being a free spirit caused other issues also. As I mentioned, never being able to become close to many other human beings (male or female) was on occasion frustrating and disappointing.  All in all, I can count the number of true male friends I had on one hand when they tragically all started to pass away in a two year span of my life. I have had people question me how easy or difficult my gender transition was when I finally decided to do it. It wasn't difficult at all because most of my family(parents) and close friends had passed on. I guess you could say I waited them all out and I was the last person standing. So I was able to move on.

My feminine inner self who waited all those years for her chance to live did maintain a portion of my overall free spirit. Sadly now, my body is paying the price for all those years of attempting to be the best at everything I did. My back betrays me everytime I move too much or change directions too quickly. Maybe since I have passed my seventy fourth birthday, I am asking too much but I am trying to walk more to stay active. In my own way, I want to maintain being a free spirit for as long as I live.

Always on Stage

 

Photo from the Jessie
Hart Archives

Sadly Sunday night involved an emergency trip to the hospital because my wife Liz was having severe pains. 

You may recall, recently she went through two surgical procedures and was progressing smoothly...or we thought. The problem with going to the hospital the way we did, in the emergency situation, I did not have any chance to prepare or, no close shave or makeup of any kind. Not even a chance to tie my hair back. I had to go the way I was  and try to rely on my inherent androgyny I have lived with since I began hormone replacement therapy years ago. As it turned out, no one on the emergency room staff seemed to care since I imagine they have seen it all.

More important of course was my wife Liz's condition which was initially diagnosed  as a bowel blockage. Fortunately, after her doctor saw her, he thought he could go forward with no further surgery but she would have to stay in the hospital on a special diet. What a relief!

The whole process meant I needed to spend the day with her yesterday at the hospital with Liz. This time at least, I got the chance to prepare. I shaved, put on some makeup and went out into the world to battle traffic to go to the hospital. Of course, during the day, I needed restrooms to use to get rid of all the coffee I drink. Most everyone was really nice except the usual two people in a group who were not. 

As I walked past a certain group in particular asking for directions to the rest rooms I was glared at by two women in particular. Since I had to go I ignored them and the fact the rest of the group's gossip had gone silent. Since it was shift change, I had to go right past the group on the way back. This time I was struggling because I can only walk so far anymore without my back killing me. So I was walking hunched over as I was in pain. Hard to present as good as possible when it is a struggle to even walk. But I had no choice I had to make it.

Make it I did, and the women who glared at me, I managed to glare right back at. After all, since I have been out and about as long as I have I am used to always being on stage as a transgender woman. Men notice me and more importantly, women do to. Most of the time, I don't have any problems at all. I mind my own business and the world minds its business. 

Happily, Liz is going to be released today so I need to go back and get her from the hospital. Once again I will get ready the way I did yesterday and face the world with a smile on my face.

The Ultimate Obsession

 

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

As I recall, the ultimate obsession I had with being feminine began with explorations into my Mom's clothing and makeup. Once I started I couldn't let it go.

Little did I know, I would need to follow quite the winding and rough path as I crossed the gender border from male to female. As soon as I conquered one of my goals and escaped my very dark and lonely closet another wall or barrier would crop up to challenge my obsession. An example would be how I imagined just improving my outward feminine appearance would be enough to help me live in the world as a transgender woman. All the process really did was set me up for other huge challenges.

Challenges such as how I would or ever could learn to communicate with other women in their world. Nothing in the process was easy and often terrifying. The old "no pain-no gain" saying proved to be all too true. Just attempting to modulate a feminine sounding voice to match my appearance was the ultimate challenge. Plus I needed to learn to always make eye contact with other women as we engaged in conversation. A simple statement saying I loved another woman's ear-rings often proved to be the ice breaker I needed to survive in my new gender world. 

Through it all, my male self was fighting me all the way. Every move I made to try to enable me to be more feminine was a problem to him. Deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle because when I was pursuing my authentic self I felt so natural. So everytime I was questioning the path I was taking, the bottom line was if it all felt so natural, it was the right thing to do. Somehow I needed to conquer my fears and temporary setbacks and follow my own personal ultimate obsession. Follow it I did.

No matter how complex my life became as I ended up attempting to share a life between the two primary genders, until the pressure became too intense to survive, I did my best to live my life. My male self kept resorting back to what he had always done...internalize his feelings and hope for the best. His best never came as I continued my path towards my ultimate obsession. Even then, I had no idea if I could make it to my ultimate goal of living a life as a transgender woman. Fulltime with no interference from my old male self. 

As I always point out the struggle nearly killed me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I was one of the lucky trans women or trans men who all of a sudden found the doors opening which would allow me to finally follow my obsession which had followed me my entire life.  Destiny showed me the way around life's setbacks such as close friends and family dying. It all allowed me to have very little resistance to living my own life as I saw fit. Also near the same time, the Veterans health care system I was part of started to provide help with hormone replacement therapy, which I was fortunate enough to be healthy enough to be a part of.

In short, my life which was very much in shambles faded away and I was finally able to achieve my ultimate obsession. To lead a feminine life and even to become remarried again to my wife Liz who accepted me all the way. 

The path I took was never easy but on the other hand, my trip was never boring and provided me with a unique look at life others never have.  

Veterans Weekend

 

Civil War Cemetery image from 
the Jessie Hart archives.  

Since I am a veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era, I feel as if I can expand the observance of Veterans Day to more than one day.

Veterans I think should be recognized for their service as well as their sacrifice. It should be noted many vets joined the military to try to outrun their gender issues. Or, the well worn, the military will make me a man theory. More than a few transgender people tried the same method by getting married and having children. In my defense, I did neither. I was in essence drafted into the military and decided to get married to my first wife just ahead of the birth of my only child. 

Interestingly, since I now live as a transgender woman, most of my friends and acquaintances don't remember at all that I am a veteran. As such, I receive very few thanks from anyone for my service. Then again, it fits right in with my experience as a Vietnam Vet. For those who don't remember or aren't old enough, the war was very unpopular. Even to the point of taking it out on the people who served. I gave my Army uniform to my Mom while telling her I never wanted to see it again. In the years following, I reclaimed it as memories started to fade.

It always bears mentioning, the number of in the closet transgender veterans who never had a chance to escape their gender closets and ended up paying the ultimate cost for their country is tremendous. Veterans Day is just one of several days of the year we should pause to remember those service men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country. And what would we have without their service. 

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the other veterans who I know read this blog.  Thanks for your service.

Puberty

 

Estrogen patch on 
UnSplash

It isn't often in life a human gets to go through puberty twice. 

More than a few transgender women and trans men are counted among those who have had experienced puberty on both sides of the binary gender borders. Of course starting hormone replacement therapy will kick start another puberty. Even though my HRT began at a minimum level of medications, quickly I began the changes I was craving. Probably quicker than others because my natural output of testosterone was decreasing because of my age which was in my early sixties. Regardless, the changes were shocking to me on occasion. 

Very quickly, my breasts started to grow, even to the point of having to consider wearing very loose fitting shirts to cover up my new found shapes. All the process really did was speed up how long I had to actually quit wearing any of my male clothes at all, learn more and more how (and if) I could live as a transgender woman and never look back. As it turned out, there were many other positive changes I quickly went through to seal my decision. My skin softened as my body hair thinned out and my facial angles began to soften also. Not to mention, my hair was following the lead of what my doctor told me and really started to grow. Wigs were quickly out for me as I had no male patterned baldness. 

All the changes led me to a very androgynous appearance. All of a sudden I was losing all of the "Sir" references I cringed at. I was amazed at my progress which was happening with my minimum dosages I was prescribed. It is always very important for me to note I was (and am) under a doctors' care for my hormone replacement therapy. Along the way I have sadly seen the effects of hormones unsupervised on transgender women. I wanted no part of being unsupervised at my later stages of life on hormones which have the capability of making such dramatic changes. 

One of the most dramatic changes I went through one night when I was in the middle of my second puberty was when I experienced my first major hot flash. I was in one of my favorite venues enjoying a tall beer when all of the sudden I felt as if I was internally combusting. The hot flash came on so fast and so completely, I was taken aback and wondered if anyone else noticed I was on fire. No one did and I finished my drink and headed out into the cooler autumn evening to make sure I could look at myself in my car mirror. Surprisingly, I looked the same and no worse for wear after my hot flash. When I brought up the experience to my cis-woman friends, they just smiled and said welcome to their world of hormonal change.

Although, I was amazed how quickly the external  HRT changes took place and ecstatic, the internal difference I was going through was just as amazing. All of a sudden for the first time in my life,  I could cry and to a lesser extent my internal thermostat went through a radical time when all of a sudden I was cold more often and even my sense of smell improved. In other words, my world just softened and I was happier.

These days, my hormonal transition continues as my body fat is shifting to my thighs, hips and rear area. Very simply I am amazed and happy I don't have to go back to the old days of fashioning foam pads to give myself a feminine shape. 

I remember the days so long ago when I was not particularly happy when I was going through the changes of male puberty. I didn't want to grow bigger and more angular because I would be challenged when I tried to dress in my rapidly shrinking feminine wardrobe. As my life went by, there was nothing I could do concerning going through a male puberty and ending up facing the effects of testosterone poisoning for what amounted to over a half a century. 

My only solution was hormone replacement therapy and I know I am fortunate to have survived and benefitted from the results because not everyone else can. 

Gender Equity

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives 

In our lives as transgender women or trans men, we can't help building gender equity.

What I mean is when you are forced into a gender lifestyle you really don't accept, you have no choice to adapt and survive. In my case, it meant doing my absolute best to play sports as well as doing other boy things. I put together model cars, was gifted a BB Gun (when I really wanted a doll) as well as other male type activities. None of which I was ever very good at, probably because I did not really buy into participating entirely.

Even still, as much as I didn't want to, I was still building equity being male. Of course I learned how to interact one on one primarily with other guys. Sadly never having much of a chance to see and know any girls at all since I was painfully shy. To survive, I needed to study all the femininity around me from afar and do the best I could.

As life progressed, I needed to fall back on my male equity more and more. It was especially important when I served my three years in the Army during the Vietnam War. Specifically during basic training, I needed to learn how to act like an alpha male and how to deal with all the ones I faced. Again, even though I was successful, I didn't really want to be. Also, I knew the more equity as a man I acquired, the harder it would be to some day give it all up.

And one day it all did come crashing down. I was looking at giving up what I called the "three F's" or family, friends and finances. The reality was I was going through a stressful time in my life when I was going through gender ripping and tearing as I was seriously considering living fulltime as a transgender woman. It meant giving up all my male equity or privileges I had worked so hard to obtain. I had already faced several of my privileges being taken away such as intelligence but I was ill prepared when I had to face other issues such a personal security when I tried to live a public life as a trans woman. Even with all the changes and new pressures, I knew it was still worth selling my equity to live a feminine life.

The pressure to sell became so great, I finally broke down, embraced my new life and decided to transition into a new life I had only ever dreamed of. Little did I know, deep in the background of my life my feminine person had been watching and learning also. She was just biding her time until she had a chance to live. She was building her own equity which made the entire gender transition so much easier. 

I am fortunate in that I was able to cash in to what was left of my male equity and transfer the proceeds to my existing (hidden) feminine self. Between the two, I was able to move on and never look back.   

 

 

Ohio Proud

Image from Cyrus Crossan
on UnSplash

 It was another big night here in Ohio with the midterm elections taking place. 

Along with several other states in the country, Democrats won big in a state unfairly criticized for being entirely conservative. If you are from Ohio, you know the differing areas of the state which has been excessively gerrymandered. Meaning districts in the state which have been set up to protect Republicans who run year after year. The results are worthless politicians such as "Gym" Jordon who recently tried an ill fated attempt at running for the Speaker of the House of U.S. Representatives who is from Ohio. Jordan has managed to be in congress for approximately sixteen years. Recently, the many big metro parts of the state have been successfully organized to fight back people like Jordan. 

What this means for all of you who are out as transgender women and trans men is, if supposedly backwards Ohio is an example, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us which isn't the train. It bears mentioning also that anti abortion proponents tried to tie in gender realignment surgeries into their advertisements to vote the abortion issue down, to no avail. 

I have always urged all individuals with gender issues, including cross dressers deeply hidden away to consider their political future and vote appropriately.  After all, you never know what the future holds and you may have a chance to escape your gender closet in the future, into a more forgiving world. Especially when you consider how different the younger generation is when it comes to gender. As far as personal preferences go, my transgender grandchild in their early twenties, in my mind, has had it much easier than I did years ago. Plus when you vote, don't forget to remember your local school boards. Even our local school board had two candidates which had support from the alt right "Mom's for Liberty" lost handily when they were exposed to having no kids in the district as well as other facts. 

Sorry to have made this post so political but when a certain political party is trying to erase us now and in the future, it is time for the transgender community to put it's petty differences behind us and unite.

It is also time for the TERF's and other transphobic women to realize trans women are women too and can help in their political causes.

Now is the time before the next BIG election when our democracy will be on trial.

Affirmation

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Affirmations of my gender on occasion comes from predictable sources.

It was voting day recently here in Ohio and I had the chance to be reaffirmed as my feminine self again. It all started years ago when it was time to vote shortly after I changed almost all of my legal gender markers. I vividly remember the pride I felt when the voter administration person asked for my identification card. Which in my case was my brand new driver's license complete with a new picture and the all important "F" under where it asked for my gender. 

Essentially, I knocked out two birds with one stone when I voted for the first time that year which seems like years ago now. I had always felt the need to vote all of the time because possibly my parents always did and seemingly there was always an issue on the ballot I was passionate about. Even on occasion, every once in a while a politician I was for or against would come along too. Little did I know back in those days I would be voting someday as my authentic feminine self. 

Now when I vote, not only I am doing my patriotic duty, I am doing it as a woman. In the past on occasion I think I raised more than a few gender suspicions with the occasional man who was taking my information but today I had a woman who was closer to my age and didn't seem to care at all she was talking to a transgender woman. 

Today was an important election on several fronts here in Ohio which made it more of a necessity to get out the vote. Two statewide issues were on the ballot which might just signal a new dawn of non conservative politics in a state which has become considered as a backwards one in many cases. The issues are considering abortion and marijuana, so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. Plus we had a chance to vote against a right wing school board candidate backed by out of town interests such as the "Moms for Liberty." 

I guess most importantly, no one paid me any extra attention today when I was out in the public's eye. I am starting more and more to get out again and begin moving around outside of my secure gender shell at home. I need the extra challenge to push myself along, Plus, as we approach Thanksgiving, I will have an appointment for my Covid booster shot coming up as well as another diversity council meeting for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. So as the holidays approach, there may be more and more chances to get out and socialize. 

No matter how I look at it, affirmation is good and helps keep my gender dysphoria to a minimum. A problem I can never seem to be rid of. Voting helps me to remember a time I wasn't so fortunate and I had to vote as my old male self. Not to mention the early fears I had of trying out my new feminine identification and voting as a brand new person. It still proves to be a wonderful memory. 

It Was All a Dream

Image from Marcos Paulo Prado 
on UnSplash

Similar to so many other transgender women and trans men, when I was young often I woke up sad in the morning after vividly dreaming I was living as my preferred feminine gender. 

Of course, then depression set in when I had to face yet another unwanted day as my old male self. On those days, very little motivated me to get going. Somehow I managed to make it through another day. On the good days, I had figured out how I could sneak around my family's back and cross dress in my small wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. In the meantime, I tried to study the cis-women (natural born) around me to see if there was anyway I could copy their dress or mannerisms without being too obvious. I was so envious.

It took me years and even decades to figure out how totally reversed my gender dreaming really was. To this day, after living as long as I have as a full time transgender woman, my dreams are still flipped. In other words, most of my dreams still involve me as my old unwanted male self. I'm sure the main reason is the fact proportionately I still have lived the majority of my life in a stressful male world. To be successful I just had to learn the game well. All of which has carried into, and remains a substantial portion of my self-conscious thought. 

Plus, on occasion, I feel as if my entire gender existence has been nothing more than an extended dream. Perhaps it is because for such a long period of time I considered being able to live as a transgender woman was just an impossible dream. Then when I began to leave my mirror behind and break out of my gender closet into the world, I began all the changes I would need to do to live a new fulfilled life. Suddenly my life evolved from just doing my best to appear as a woman, all the way to communicating effectively as a trans woman with other women in the world.   

It was around this time of gender discovery when I started to believe I had my whole life backwards. There were certain aspects somehow I needed to do as a male but overall the other set of experiences I went through could have been lived by my dominate feminine self. I couldn't believe how much easier my life became when I finally gave in to her and let her live. She in essence was telling me she was right all along and she was.

It turned out, my dyslexic self had my gender mixed up also. All along when I  considered myself a male to female cross dresser, in reality I was a female to male cross dresser just trying to survive in an unwanted world. 

Now my past is mostly a dream, some parts good and others bad. Perhaps one of these days my sub-conscious will flip into dominant feminine role too and my dreams will become predominantly feminine in nature. I suppose if that is all I have to complain about, life is good.   

While My Blog Gently Weeps

Bubba and Brittini

Sadly, this story has been making it's way around the internet recently and friends such as Bobbi have reached out to me with the news.

Spoiler alert, the story is more than just sad, it is tragic. Perhaps by now you have heard of "Bubba Copeland" the former mayor of "Smith's Station, Alabama." I say former because Bubba committed suicide following being outed by a right wing publication called the 1819 News which outed Bubba's so called secret life as a curvy transgender woman. Bubba Copeland was also a Baptist minister who reportedly was a clergyman who cared deeply about their church and community.

Predictably, the only thing which mattered to the gender bigots who outed Bubba was the fact she was a transgender woman. If you are interested if the so called "news" source where all this came from felt at the least bad about Bubba's death. They didn't. "Craig Monger" who wrote the post supposedly supporting Alabama values on "X" (Twitter) said "Digging up someone's personal life is reporting on what someone posts on social media. The Alabama Baptist reported on the churches live stream. I actually spoke to the mayor." Not a word of sympathy was found on anything I read on the publication's site I could find.

Those of us who have dealt with gender issues our entire life know the inner torment Bubba must have gone through. No matter how many good deeds Bubba tried to do as a minister and a mayor in a small Alabama town devastated by a tornado, mattered as much to the 1819 News as much as how they dealt with a closeted transgender person. No mention was made of her life and what she faced. Gender dysphoria is hell to say the least. No attempt at any understanding of the tragedy. 

Brittini was survived by a wife and three children. May she be remembered for her good deeds. 

The Slippery Slope

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives

I can't imagine the freedom some younger transgender youth have when their parents approve of and actually help with their gender transition.

I can use the example of my own grandchild who benefited completely from having the support of both of their parents. (It is the grandchild's choice to be referred to as they.) Of course how I grew up was totally on the opposite side of the acceptance spectrum. I was expected to be the best boy I could be and if I wasn't. I was always expected to do better. As much as I resented being put through all of that, the process probably set me up for success later in life. When I faced difficult situations, I just kept trying until on occasion I found success. 

Finding success as I sought out what to do concerning my increasingly serious gender issues proved to be my greatest win but it did not come easily. I compare it to being on a very slippery gender slope and finding yourself losing control the perceived damage. I was very scared on what could happen if I completed my male to female gender transgender transition I could lose everything I worked for in my semi-successful male life such as family, friends and finances to name a few of the major ones. 

Once the sliding began and I started to slide down the slope, I couldn't stop. The biggest problem was I didn't really care because for the first time in my life I felt natural in my own skin. I didn't have to put up feeling just a little all the way to being completely foreign when I was successful as a man. Nothing seems to have been enough until it came time to being a success as a transgender woman. The biggest move came when I made the decision to slide further down the slope and commit to being fully trans and away from being a highly active cross dresser. I was becoming more and more convinced I was doing the right thing by throwing my male life away and living a feminine one. 

What became increasingly obvious, it was time for me to lose my grip and tumble the remainder of the way down my gender slope. I finally could take the effort to jump the gender border before it killed me. I was trying my best to live equally between the two binary genders. Male for three days a week and female for the rest of the time. The resultant ripping and tearing led me to a major mental health breakdown with a suicide attempt. I saw the writing on the wall and finally decided to slide off my slippery gender slope. When I did not know was how my new circle of friends would be around for me to soften my landing.

Not only did my circle of cis-women friends accept me, they unknowingly helped me understand the basics of surviving in the feminine world. I call it being able to play in the girls sandbox.

Surprisingly, I survived the slippery slope much easier than I thought I would. Sure I had a few scratches and scrapes on the way down. Overall, as I said, I was the fortunate survivor of a very difficult gender struggle. Hopefully, in their own way my grandchild will not have to endure such a slippery slope.

We Met in a Mirror

Image from Laura Chouette 
on UnSplash

Along the way I have vivid recollections of how I met most of the memorable cis (or natural born) women in my life. As it turned out, I married several of them. 

Perhaps the most important woman I met was myself when I glimpsed her for the first time in a full length mirror we had at home when I was growing up. All I really remember is the feeling of gender euphoria I felt. Something clicked mentally and I knew somehow, someway I needed to try to cross dress again and even do my best to perfect the image staring back at me. 

Over the years, the problem became I became too addicted to what the mirror was showing me. For as much as I loved playing in the mirror, I was to learn the hard way the whole process was a one way street. As I broke out of my gender closet and into the world, the public did not see me the same as the mirror did. Stares and laughter all too often followed me around during my earliest gender adventures as a novice cross dresser. 

Still I persisted and learned without the help of the women in my life. The only one who tried turned out to be a dismal failure. She was my fiancé from my college days and I talked her into dressing me head to toe as a woman. I say failure because after she was done, I did not see much improvement over my efforts. Plus, over time, she held my gender issues against me and even wanted me to tell the military I was gay to stay out of the Vietnam War. Something I never did and went off to serve my three years, away from her. Which was a real blessing from many angles. 

From there I stayed mostly single until my last year in the Army when I met my first wife who was in the Women's Army Corps, also stationed where I was in Germany. We stayed together after both of us discharged all the way to when we had my only child, a daughter. My first wife knew of and mostly accepted the fact I was a cross dresser before we were married and was never really bothered about it. During this time I was beginning to learn my new life was everything but living in a mirror. I was beginning to take on the world as my authentic self when I met my second wife.

I was working at a radio station in Ohio where we met and I just knew I had to divorce my first wife and be with her. She was so full of life and strong willed, I thought she might do me good and went all out to be with her. Through it all, she as my first wife knew I was a cross dresser and accepted it also. We were married for twenty five years until she passed away from a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. Till the day she died nothing changed about how she viewed my cross dressing but she firmly drew the line at no HRT hormones or for me going towards being a transgender woman at all. 

As I wrote in my post yesterday, I was between the rock and the hard place when if came to my transgender issues. I had taken the steps to firmly move out of the mirror and into the world. The mirror became the place where I just checked myself out every morning to see if I looked masculine or the least bit feminine. Most of the time setting off my gender dysphoria or despair. I finally came to the conclusion nothing was as bad as it seemed or as good as the mirror tried to tell me. I had come to the middle point I needed to meet in the mirror.