Mtf Transitioning - With an Automatic Trans

From Connie in reply to yesterdays Cyrsti's Condo LGBT blog post:

"The internet has been of value for more than just the information. It was in a forum setting that we met online, and (at least on my end), the sharing of thoughts and ideas was of great help toward our individual transitions. You have continued this through this blog - and I can't help but to chime in, just as before. 

I started all of my scheming and worrying about the age of eleven. I knew that I could not be a girl, but I imagined that I could move away to a place nobody knew me when I turned eighteen, and simply live my life as a young woman. I so wanted to grow up to be a woman, and I even began sneaking my mom's car out in the middle of the night just to drive around as though I were.

I've told this story before, but my mom's reaction was actually priceless when she'd figured out that I'd driven the car one night. Because I was wearing her clothes and one of her wigs, and the fact that we looked an awful lot alike, she was only upset because she was afraid someone might have thought she were out at 3:00 AM! It was as if a thirteen-year-old driving was not a problem at all. I call that my "automatic transition with an automatic transmission." :-) It didn't end up as easy as that sounds, though. Like you, "full time" for me began after the age of 60."

Interestingly, several of us talked about the "whys and hows" of transgender transitioning after the age of 60 during my last transgender - crossdresser support group meeting. Most came to the conclusion it was a now or never lifetime opportunity for them. 

Thanks Connie!

The Steps Within a MtF Gender Transition

I get asked time and time again when did I "start" my transition. Ideally, it is not that an easy of an answer.

I didn't seriously consider going "full-time" until my 60's but had always been a serious cross dresser before that, going back into my twenties when I constantly spent time considering how or if I could ever transition. So, if you do the math, that is at least 45 years going on fifty.

That's why I tell people, actually, I was in a constant transition state whether I knew/accepted it or not. I do wish I could recoup just part of the time I spent scheming and/or worrying about where my life was headed.

Ironically, the same stubbornness which kept me guessing, helped me accept I was transgender along the way as more knowledge mainly via the internet became available.

Early Transition Picture

Thus "transgender transition" to me is not a static or concrete thing. Rather, it evolves over time with our lives.

It sounds like a "cop-out" but I tell peeps I have been transitioning forever.

Spaced Out!

Yesterday turned out to be one of those expected/unexpected late summer days as temperatures reached ninety (with equal humidity.) I had to go to one of my transgender support groups, this one at the Veterans Administration Hospital in Dayton, Ohio so I had to use my cars 260 air conditioning...two windows down at 60 MPH. So it was hot.

I dressed down for the occasion, wearing a relatively low cut sleeveless tank top and distressed jeans with my walking shoes for the normally long walk along the VA's parking lot to get a spot to park.

Once I did, all was good and the group gained another member. She actually is still serving and is very effeminate and mainly still in the closet due to the current administration's  harassment. Our on again off again SRS girl was back sporting a brand new wig and makeup and looked much better. I was happy for her until she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I enjoy my space and only let select individuals into it, if I can help it. So yesterday, I didn't grin and bear it.

On the bright side, I learned I can attend another larger transgender group which meets after ours once a month on the third Tuesday. All I have to do is stay up in Dayton another couple hours until the meeting and then come back, skipping all the nasty Cincinnati rush hour traffic. Plus, I have had several invitations to attend their meetings, which makes me feel good!

I also had to stop in downtown Dayton yesterday to pickup the last piece of legal paperwork finishing off my probate property work. It was like returning to my old stomping grounds as the office was near the cluster of Dayton gay bars I essentially started to go out in public too. The whole experience brought back good and bad memories. Including the one when I was nearly accosted by myself by two men leaving a club.

I learned my lesson the hard way about cis/trans women and space that early morning for sure.

Time to Get Active!

Before transition and weight loss.

I wrote the other day about weight loss as a way to better present yourself as a transgender woman. And, how I lost about 50 pounds before HRT set in and my male metabolism slowed down.

Now I have gained back about twenty pounds and it is time to do something about it. It is especially important now as thanks to the hormones, I am adding hip tissue for the first time. Naturally that means I want a more defined waist line to take advantage of the process.

Some of you have asked how do I take my estrogen. I take estrodial in patch form. I started with pills until my new endocrinologist said he thought patches would be easier on my system. Other transgender women I know have told me they had problems with the patches staying on, but that has never been a problem for me. I never have considered shots because injecting myself never seemed like having kicks and giggles.

Speaking of hormones, last Friday, I battled a bout of melancholy when I put on my new patches and was "weepy" into the next day. The symptoms fortunately didn't go into hot flashes, which I have had before. Mainly when I started the dosage of HRT I am on now.

Whatever the symptoms, I look at the process as being what a normal cis woman faces at some point in her life. So, if I want to play in the girls' sandbox...get over it!  

Such A Week!

Last week, we scorched Cyrsti's Condo with a discussion which basically revolved around passing privilege, or the lack there of.

Past all of that were the meetings I went to.  At which I tend to lose all sense of gender objectivity. What I mean is, none of the people who accept the real me, never knew the old me. At this point of my life, it's hard somehow to accept it still. Perhaps it always will be.

On another subject totally, I am warming (again) to doing another presentation in the Spring at the annual Trans Ohio Symposium. I am thinking of a subject such as "Lesson's Learned from Fifty Years in the Closet." My problem continues to be over thinking the project to the point of wondering, "Who gives a damn?" At any rate, I have plenty of time to over think it!

Also, as fall sets in, I am thinking of getting started (seriously) on my second book, which is partially written already. I am so scatter brained, it will be tough not to start on book three at the same time. We will see how much self control I have.

Fall to me has always represented the ultimate transition season. I always wondered as the trees changed and lost their leaves, when if ever I could ever admit I was transgender and begin the ultimate Mtf gender transition.

So, I have a lot to think about, which fits me fine!

24/7 and More!

I am sure,  little did Stana know over at Femulate, (or maybe she did) the ripple effect her blog post concerning transgender women being mocked for their appearance would have. Even on other blogs such as Cyrsti's Condo.

You may recall, I added my two cents  basically agreeing with both sides without pointing out key issues such as how often you seek to present and blend as a woman in the public's eye. To put it mildly, it is a daunting task when you shrink your closet from two genders to one. All of a sudden you may not have that hour to cross dress yourself and finances maybe more tight than ever. Makeup becomes more precious as the usage of it becomes more important.

Of course, in the transgender sorority, "passing privilege" becomes a factor too. As we all know, as humans, we all were dealt different hands in the appearance department. Precious few men can Mtf transition effortlessly, no matter how much weight they lose.

Another view was sent along by Sally Bend: "I like Stana, and I usually enjoy her blog, but that post really rubbed me the wrong way - so much so that I find myself reluctant to read her again.

To suggest that ridicule and violence are okay because someone isn't good enough at their makeup skills, or didn't put enough effort into their outfit is ridiculous. More than that, it is dangerous. It hands the close-minded bigots a trans-approved excuse to be as mean and as cruel as they like.

The how or when of your gender presentation/expression does not matter. Crossdresser, genderqueer, non-binary, transsexual, whatever, we all started somewhere, we all learn differently, and we all have different goals in mind. Some of us want to pass and be glamorous, some of us want to slip by unnoticed, and some of just want to be comfortable in our own skin.

And then, to close out her post by telling us not to whine about it when it happens? I am going to echo the sentiments of some of the comments and call that what it is - privileged bullshit.

A little compassion, understanding, sympathy, and support go a hell of a lot farther than mockery and blame. Nobody, especially someone who should be one of us, has the right to tell us we are "not good enough" to be ourselves."

Thanks Sally!

24/7?

This post is a continuation of the post I wrote yesterday concerning Stana's post on Femulate. 

After I finished the post, later in the day, I thought I should have added something about the differences of being part time presenting as a transgender woman, and doing it 24/7 (full time). Obviously, there are huge differences. For example, if we are going out on a special occasion, I try extra hard to look better with my dress, make up, etc.

I still have to go farther than the average cis woman anytime I go out, and for that I will be eternally envious!

For another take on going 24/7, lets hear from Connie:

"The comments over on Stana's blog are quite interesting. Not that they surprise me, but it shows differences in the attitudes between 24/7 trans women and those who express their femininity "part time." Also, that both are reading the same blogs!

Being a "24/7-er," myself, I know that I'm not always going to look my best. If something in life demands that I be there right away, I can't always spend the time to make myself gorgeous before leaving the house. I'm picky about my looks, too!

I laugh at the thought of me, cross dressing years ago in my basement, and dreading what I would do should the house catch on fire. Would I have sought safety only after changing my clothes and washing off the makeup? Now, it's just the opposite, I suppose. Well, except for the fact that I am much more confident in myself these days, so I wouldn't risk my life for the sake of makeup nor for the lack of it. :-)"

Thanks Connie!

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

Stana from the Femulate blog recently wrote an interesting and extremely thought provoking post about transgender women who complain about being laughed at in public.

She (Stana) placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of the trans person trying unsuccessfully to present in their desired gender. While some of that is unfair given the extremely un-level playing field we play with as far as looks are concerned, much of it is true.

To start with, I think presentation and/or passing are wrong terms. Better yet would be "blending." Let me give you an example. At the huge grocery store we shop at, I have seen a trans woman or cross dresser outfitted in a denim mini skirt in winter and on the other end of the spectrum, one dressed to the"nines" in heels and hose. Both stuck out like sore thumbs and set off my "trans-dar"immediately.

I think some just say what the hell with their appearance and I agree with Stana, shouldn't complain too much when they get busted. I used to write about the amount of emphasis I put in to skin care and weight loss as I transitioned.

No one should argue how much work it takes to undertake a Mtf gender transition and how most of us have had to grow a tough skin along the way.

While it is true the great majority of us are not and will never be blessed with Stana's looks, we have to fall back on what cis-women do...work on our positives.

Beware of the mirror lying to you and don't be afraid of going back to the drawing board! Confidence breeds success and specifically the cis women in public will know it.

In Good Company

Both Pat and Connie commented on recent blog posts concerning the seeming "normalcy" of being transgender within the general public.

Of course, much of that has to do with where you live. I have written many times, I live close to the "demarcation" point of overall acceptance where I live on the East side of Cincinnati. Head east into the next neighboring county and you find hotbeds of Evangelical Trumpers waiting to condemn.

It speaks volumes though, to the amount of people anymore who really don't care or pay attention to the average transgender person on the street.

For those of us who do, Liz and I have seen at least five trans men and women working in the area where we live over the past several months. As Pat has noted many times here in Cyrsti's Condo, familiarity breeds knowledge with most transgender women and men. Sometimes it even goes as far as celebrity status.

I have a very close friend (going back many years) who has invited Liz and I to her fall "bon-fire" party in a couple of weeks. She is a great example of acceptance which I appreciate mightily. We are going to really try to make the hour and a half trip north to the party to see her and her husband and perhaps meet some new friends.

New friends mean a wider circle of people (mostly religious) who can say they (at the least) have met a trans person. They find I have had all my shots and don't bite. Plus I will have a chance to see a great friend again!

Yes, normalcy and/or ordinary is good when you are LGBT, sometimes though it is hard to accept it when you experience it.

An Ordinary Transgender Life?

If you are not aware, Connie has been around since the inception of Cyrsti's Condo, some seven years ago and in fact, urged me to write a blog. So, she is in a great spot to send in this comment:

"Your last two posts show your trans life to be extraordinarily ordinary. That's great! We'll always be trans women, but day to day living should not have to be centered on the "trans" part of it. It's a long way to have come since those days when being trans was almost an obsession, don't you think?"

I do think you are right and in some senses, can't believe it is true!

An example was this weekend when Liz and I went to one of a zillion fall festivals happening around here and "happened" to see at least two other transgender persons, one woman...one man. 

It was a great sign that "ordinary" is good!!!!

Thanks Connie. 

A Fantastic Trans Woman!

More on the Oscar nominated movie we posted about here in Cyrsti's Condo from Laurel:

"I agree - it is great film and Daniela Vega is impressive in the role. The character she plays shows great forebearance in the face of monumental intolerance. I went to see it twice with different friends from the cisgender community. They say that they came away with a better understanding of the problems faced by the transgender person.

The large general audience sat in silence through the film and cheered just once when Marina finally reacts to the bigotry. Daniela Vega does her own singing and the final scene is hauntingly beautiful.

Do go and see it and take some friends!"

Will do!!! Thanks Laurel :)

Oscar Time?

Daniela Vega, 28, stars in Sebastian Lelio's A Fantastic Woman. She plays Marina, a transgender woman whose partner (Francisco Reyes) dies, after which Marina is subjected to harsh treatment by the family of her deceased lover and by police investing the death.

Chile has selected the film as its Academy Awards submission this year and Variety called her performance "a multi-layered, emotionally polymorphous feat of acting," that deserves "so much more than political praise." While several transgender musicians have been nominated for awards, Vega is the first trans actress to be nominated.

But the bigger spotlight may be on whether Vega's breakout performance — one of stirring strength and compassion — could make Oscar history. 

Busy...Busy...Busy!

In addition to the busy week I have had, the weekend looks just as promising.

Tonight (Friday) we have a circle meetup with the Wiccan group Liz and I are a part of and interesting enough, another transgender woman may attend for the first time. Since we normally only have about ten to twelve people attend, having two trans women there would be special!

Then, tomorrow, we travel the hour or so trip up to Dayton, Ohio for a Pagan Pride festival. We are mainly going to plug our Cincinnati Witches Ball in October and sell a few T-shirts. However, I am supposed to meet my daughter and her friend there, which should be a great time.

It's times like these, I am fortunate to be secure enough in my presentation to not have to worry about it!

Running LGBT Errands

Yesterday was one of those days where it seemed like all I got done was a list of "do's."

Arranged into all my stops was a visit with my therapist, which went predictably as planned. Except,I had this deep down feeling of well being before I went into to meet her.

I guess it was easy, considering never in my wildest dreams, did I ever think I would be able to transition so far in this transgender life I have decided to live. Here I was in a waiting room basically full of women waiting for others with an appointment and no one gave me a side glance. I knew I was doing something right at the VA. (Veterans Administration).

Plus on a higher level, seeing all the vets in wheelchairs (many with limbs missing) made me feel grateful to be in one piece.

Other than that, for some reason, the woman who runs the Starbucks coffee place in the hospital, treated me like it was old home day. Most of the time, she basically takes my order and ignores me, so I don't know what that was all about. She said she hadn't seen me in a while and I could only say I was doing better with all my medical conditions. I didn't say coming to the hospital just to hang out was not my idea of a fun time.

I also had to stop by the attorney's office to make a payment on a bill and tell them I was working on picking up a death certificate. (Which I finally found which county had it.) Both receptionists were more than nice.

Finally, I have to keep telling myself, to most people I run into at least must consider me a respite of sorts from the boring public they deal with.

Which is different and fun!

LGBT Transgender Astronomy

If women are from Venus and men from Mars, where are transgender women and trans men from?
Perhaps we are the "earthlings"? Think of the possibilities and the challenges.

No matter if you put a dress on once a week or you've fully transitioned, we earthlings are a unique tribe. We suffer the same problems as Venus and Mars, and quarrel about them in similar ways. After all, the gravitational pulls of the other two
planets tug on us daily.

We are uniquely flamboyant or conservative in our dress and mannerisms as we struggle on our planet. The problem with our planet is that we have opened "Pandora's Box" and we can't close it. All the different glittering gifts in the box fascinate! Those gifts send us down different paths we don't understand our self.

Imagine what that must be like for the inhabitants of the other two planets? From downright hatred and violence to curiosity and acceptance-we get it all!
What's an "earthling" to do?

We hash and rehash our lives here to each other. In many cases we are all we have to communicate the pain and the joy of our planet. All of this it's helps us to become stronger.

We need to believe in our tribe and embrace it's diversity! We have lived in the other two camps. If in the smallest way you can use that knowledge, you are one of God's chosen creatures. What ever God you believe in.

Communicating with the two other genders is a rare gift. Learning it and using it is the challenge. Accepting the challenge and being successful will make our planet a much better place to live!!!!

A Cyrsti's Condo "archive post!"

It's Nine- Eleven

With all the natural disasters  plaguing our country right now, it is easy to forget many of the unnatural ones such as the "Nine-Eleven" terrorist attack. Here is to remembering the victims of such a brutal attack and their remaining families!

On a brighter side, I wanted to write some original content again and re-continue my archive posts at a later date. They are great to use when I really don't have any thing to write about or any comments to feature.

The older posts also have a tendency to demonstrate what I call "a transgender transition within another Mtf transition." My earlier blog posts have a tendency to feature how  I looked versus how I acted.

 Of course, as I transitioned into full time, much of that had to change. It is hard to explain, but as with any cis woman, you have to look at how you look all the time versus just a couple days a week and the choice of becoming the woman of your dreams. She just may not be your original or fantasy choice, but those ideas may not work for an everyday choice of fashion. At that point, you have to really concentrate on blending with the majority of the cis women around you.

With me though, and what the posts often don't point out, was the sheer joy of my new life as a woman. The clothes just became what they are to any woman-window dressing to the soul.

As I continue with the archive posts from the past, my hope is that the big picture of a transgender transition comes out.

From one LGBT trans girl's viewpoint!

Cyrsti's Condo Archive Post...Don't Answer too Fast!

Way back (about seven years ago) when I was slowly exploring my LGBT transgender roots, several cis women played key roles which they had no inkling of. Here was one:

"During another of one of my evenings out, I encountered yet another communication stumbling block.

I have been slowly building a new friendship with a  worker at one of my regular stops.
She knew, I'm sure- she was dealing with a transgender person. (Probably for the first time ever) I was taking it slow until one of my long time friends who also works there came up and joined in the conversation. She immediately added quite a bit more info about me.

All of that was fine but all of the sudden the conversation took on a whole new dynamic.  She started talk to me as a "trans woman" person for a second and then jumped into a real "girl on girl" discussion. I really had to not anticipate where the question was coming from.

Remember, I was still relatively new to the one on one female conversation as it pertains to real life.  Sure I've been on the outside looking in.  Plenty of the "I love your ear-rings or hair". Now it's more of the in depth talk about guys, family and shopping.

Instead of the usual  questions of why I do what I do. (Understandable) The discussion started that way and then went girl to girl. I was really surprised!

The best part of the whole evening was she knows I'm going out tonight with two of the other female bartenders to a competing pub in an upscale mall.  She is relatively new to the area and asked a few questions about where I go.

It would be great fun to spend some time with her!"

I will have to find the post about when I went out with the two women and pass it along to you.

LGBT "Biker Girl" Revisited

This post is the latest in the series of archive posts I am presenting and one which could have changed my life forever, had I acted on it. Again, at this point of my life I still considered myself a transitioning cross dresser, refusing to accept my true transgender self.

"I had been frequenting a couple of the casual chain bar/restaurants in the area for over ten years. On my first visit, I was so scared I took a seat next to a supporting post around the bar and tried to blend with it! Nothing in my closet that screamed Oak, so that didn't work.

I lived that night and found out the world wasn't trying to destroy me and continued to return. In fact, a couple of the bartenders that have waited on me since the beginning are still there!
I also became pretty good "buds" (no not the beer) with the crew of the companies' other unit. I ended up one night sitting next to one of the bartender's sister. I had heard stories about the exotic "stripper sis" and wasn't sorry!


She was exotic with some well placed tats. Her other job was as a hairdresser and she proceeded to tell me how much she loved tr--nies and gave me some tips on my appearance. She even went as far as inviting me to sister #3's bachelorette party. (another story)

Her husband was always with her. He was a big guy with a classic Triumph bike and the look to go with it. He ran a lumber yard. What a threesome!

The only problem was she loved to trade shots and the extra Jaeger and Tequila was hard to survive!
About three months later, she broke up with her husband. I guess exotic strippers have a hard time with monogamy? One night after the breakup, he came in with about three other friends that I knew..
Regardless of his decision making process with women, the poor guy was heartbroken. I tried to lend some support the best I could and away I went.

A week later, he was in the bar again and came over to sit next to me. Much to my (and the bartender's amazement) he was really interested in talking about things like his bike and music. He was leaning into me ever so slightly and added some light touches. He had to be at work early the next morning, gave me his cell number and left. He never asked for mine.

One of the bigger mistakes I've made is that I never called him. Only saw him once after that and he moved away.

At that point in my life my profile would have read "no men" After my brief encounter with him, I changed that profile. Ever so briefly I connected with a person who shared many of the same interests with me. Ever so quickly, I never tried to see the gentle bear of a guy again.
All of a sudden spending time with a guy wasn't such a bad thought.

I often wondered what that ride on the back of his Triumph would have been like!"

Cross Dressing Melodies?

In a recent post I mentioned being slurred by people playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on a jute box and/or by a DJ. As suspected, I am not the only one:

From Connie: "I think just about all of us have had to endure the "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the jukebox, along with the snickering from the small-minded little boys who think they are so clever to have thought of such a funny thing to do. I occasionally go to a karaoke night at a nearby place, cuz I love to sing, but gigs with a live band are sometimes few and far between. I get requests from others to sing with them on the stage most every time I go, and I'm usually happy to help people who may need a little encouragement. One night, though, a guy tried to kind of gaslight me. I walked directly off the stage when I recognized the intro to "Lola". The worst part of it, to me, was not that he had set it up, but that he had set it up with the karaoke hostess ahead of time. I had thought her to be a friend, and, even though I believed her when she said later that the connection never occurred to her, I couldn't really understand how it didn't. 

Another of the hard lessons we learn in transitioning is that, although there will always be the insensitive jerks in this world, we can't always assume that our friends and allies are as sensitive to our situation as we are, ourselves. It's best to grow a thicker skin even before we might grow bigger breasts"

Thanks Connie! I had forgotten about the "Kinks, Lola" although it is a classic tune. However, I have never been slurred by arse holes playing it. Probably, because they are younger and don't remember it!

Even though "Dude" is not supposed to be about a cross dresser or transgender woman, people when it was released chose to make it derogatory slur against us.

Hopefully soon it too will fade with time.

The "Good old Days"???

This is another of the Cyrsti's Condo archive posts I am presenting. This one comes from the summer of 2010 and represents a little of the tough times I went through during my LGBT transgender transition:

"The "scene" was another sports bar I frequented a year or so ago. It was the only place that I have ever been discriminated against.

Most of the abuse started when a group of younger redneck guys read me.  I put up with the cheap shots and comments because I do not let people like that run my life.
However, when "Dude looks like a lady" was played on the juke box 3 times in a row, it was time to go.  The wimpy manager wouldn't intercede (I was a regular) but that was his call.
The final blow happened a week or so later on a Saturday night.

Everyone once in a while, I will draw the attention of a GG who is positively entranced with the image I portray.
It has more to do with what I do than how I look doing it.  Between her and three other very curious "20 somethings" that night, I attracted a very serious "posse".
I loved it! All was good until I had to make a trip to the Ladies' Room. (An urgent trip!)
There were some other occupants doing what girls do.

One older bitter looking woman hit me full blast with "How's it going Dude."
I'm normally pretty quick with a come back, but this was different.  I wasn't a rookie in the bathroom wars. I've had to stand in line to wait with the girls and shared tp and fashion tips.
On this occasion I just smiled sweetly and said "I need to get back with my friends" (I think she was jealous)

On my next visit the same manager said he was having "comments" about which bathroom I was using.  So I left...gave him my frequent user discount card and left for a year.
I simply returned to the two other places I went to in the area (one for 12 years).
I finally did return last night. Just to see if I could. I knew the manager was long gone but the regular bartender was still there.(we never had a problem).

I watched the end of the ball game. Listened to some good music (one of the reasons I went there) drank two and left.
Problems? No, and I think I saw my old nemesis.  She did not give me a second look.  (A year of practice!)

By the way...on the way out I did have to use the ladies' room."

Also, I was asked to never use the Ladies room there again once and never went back...until I was asked to at a later date by a couple bartenders I saw at another venue. It seems the manager that "banned" me was fired for theft and I was welcome again.

Bad transgender karma for him I guess!

Cyrsti's Condo Archive Post

This post goes way back to June of 2010 and demonstrates how early I was into my transition:

"Finally found some extra time for myself during the first summer holiday weekend.

The weather was hot and humid so it was definitely time to pull out the denim mini that assumed a back place in the closet. It screamed my name.

It is worth mentioning the skirt only comes about three or four inches above the knee and I wear jeans most of the time.  I rarely wear heels. (boots the exception!!!) Don't don't put me at Wall-Mart in a micro mini and 4"heels PLEASE!

So a close leg shave, a flimsy off the shoulder top, flips and off I went. I must point out, I am not a rookie. I have been out and about for years. But I had a case of the nerves yesterday.
Don't know why.  My dress for the day was appropriate for a hot day. Skin in the summer around here is appropriate. Work dictates I can't shave my arms but I can my legs for comfort and fun. So bare legs help me blend in the summer. (I love it)
But for some reason yesterday I was being paranoid about presenting.

My first regular stop was a place I've been frequenting for years.  It is a national casual bar/rest chain with several big screens where I can watch my sports. A very relaxing start to the evening.  The feel of the bare legs was tremendous. No adverse reaction from anyone. Good.

My second stop was another  regular stop for me.  Big place, big screens and big mirrors to check my reflection.  Always my favorite place. It's dark too! I always look better in that light! lol.
Last night however proved the earlier bout with nerves might have been a correct premonition.
The bar was fairly empty so a "muscle builder" type guy with big arm tats had a clear sight pattern of my skirt and legs. Over the space of an hour, he put it to good use.  I received a lot of visual attention.
I own what I wear, if I didn't want someone to look at my legs...I would have worn jeans.  So I don't know why the nerves. My "spidey" senses were up and I was ready for the approach but fortunately he belonged to the bartender and kissed her on the way out. Over reaction ruled again.

What did we learn? Calm down!  "Me thinks" I will wear the skirt again for a couple of the guys I do interact with!"

I would have labeled myself more of a cross dresser than transgender in those days.

Happy Labor Day...Almost

Almost, because I am sending all my belated best to my readers in Texas impacted by hurricane Harvey. Hopefully, recovery will be as speedy as possible for you and yours!

Secondly, this post will be going live the day after Labor Day here because Tuesday (tomorrow) I will be busy all day having breakfast with my daughter and a trip to my attorney.

Finally, Connie did all my labor for me when she commented on a recent Cyrsti's Condo post basically revolving around being transgender as a choice:

"Who we are and what we think ourselves to be don't always add up, even within the scope of gender dysphoria. Some cross dress their whole lives, never feeling the need to transition. Others, like us, used cross dressing as a way to cope. That WAS a CHOICE - as was our transitioning. For me, I first had to make the decision (choice) to come out as being something other than what I had been presenting myself to be. That's when I quit cross dressing, because, if I were to discard my dishonesty, I had to allow myself to never present as a man again. It did take a couple of years to achieve 100% on that, as there were some family members who I felt needed protection (OK, I did cross dress occasionally, as a man, for that). Another choice, it was.

It's been over two years since I have had to choose anything having to do with my gender identity. I know that I could never go back to living the lie I had been caught up in for so many decades, even though, physically, I could easily present as male in five minutes. That's just never going to happen, though. That's not a choice I even need to consider making anymore."

Thanks again Connie!

WOW! Thanks!

Just received this message and could not wait to pass it along to all of you loyal visitors!

"Hi Cyrsti,

My name is Anuj Agarwal. I'm Founder of Feedspot.

I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Cyrsti's Condo has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 50 Trans Woman Blogs on the web.

http://blog.feedspot.com/trans_woman_blogs/

I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 50 Trans Woman Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!

Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.

Best,"

Thanks to you too, Anuj!!!!

Just Say No?

It still amazes me how many "civilians" think being transgender or LGBT at all is a personal choice.

When I look back at over a half a century fighting a part of me that refused to go away, I have always said I wish I had never been born with this gender dysphoria. Life would have been so much easier. Even though I struggled mightily to do it, I was always fairly successful at being a guy. I played sports, dated regularly. did my time in the Army and fathered a child.

None of it did me any good, I could never shake the feeling deep inside that something was really wrong.  In fact (as I have written many times) I am a survivor of one very active and many very passive suicide attempts.

Through it all, I also had the deep feeling I was destined to live on until I solved the problem.

When I did, it was like a huge weight was taken from my shoulders. No longer did I have to think of myself as a transvestite or cross dresser. I was a transgender woman and had been one forever.

Of course, once I arrived at that point, I had to convince the world too. Life became at once exciting and scary. No longer could I conveniently stash my feminine belongings away and re-enter the male world. I was going on HRT and there would be no turning back, even though I told myself I could.

All of a sudden, my life as a trans woman became more natural and I knew I had made the right decision.

Now I am blessed with a partner and friends who accept me for who I am. I just want to let the others know I never had a choice...I had to be this way.