The Basics

Yesterday, I wrote a post concerning using the basics of using the women's room. Of course, as you transition genders from male to female or female to male, there are giant gender stereotypes you have to conquer. 

Examples are many, such as cis women have this sacred place to go (literally) when they use the restroom. Another would be women don't follow sports or drink beer as much as their male counterparts. Along the way I was able to put those stereotypes behind me as my cis when friends were every ounce the fan I was and could drink me under the table. 

If you look around at other women, they are as diverse as the rainbow some of them reject. The only major impact in society I see from women as a whole is they have moved away from dressing up as much as they used to. A disappointment to many cross dressers and or novice transgender women as they journey from their closets only to find in order to blend into the feminine population as a whole they had to change the idea of what they were wearing. Unless they were prepared to face added scrutiny. 

Other novice transgender women of a later age had to face the fact they were not a teenaged girl when they transitioned and no matter what couldn't dress like one. I fell into that trap and turned many A-Ha moments into Connie's Ha-Ha moments when I was laughed out of places I should have been accepted in. When the laughing stopped, I went back to my transgender drawing board, hitched up my big girl panties and went back in. Deep down I knew to be successful in my goal of presenting as a woman was going to take more work than I thought. 

I wonder now what I was thinking as I began to build a brand new person as my authentic feminine self. After all, she had waited years to get out of the dark and live. I don't think I grasped in the moment what I was asking. Perhaps I was too immersed in shedding the remnants of my old male life. Whatever the case, I don't believe I was totally ready for what happened to me.  One example is how suddenly I was able to find women who accepted me. I looked for and received more attention as a transgender woman than I ever did as a man. Maybe because the women sensed I had given up on the perceived masculine toxicity I had to live with.

The biggest challenge was building a good person others could relate to and I could interact with, learn from and develop as the woman I always knew I had been. At that point, the basics revolved around how I communicated with the new world I was facing. I couldn't believe the gender euphoria I felt when I began to communicate one on one with other women. 

As it turned out, the period of gender adjustment was not so different to the adjustments I had to make when I went through Army infantry basic training so many years before. Both transitions were intense and required an incredible amount of work to accomplish. Of course the gender basic was much more pleasurable than the Army one and I gained an incredible amount of respect for my new self. 

Restroom Etiquette

Early women's room photo
Jessie Hart

Every now and then I feel the need to share my learning time using the women's restroom. 

Even though I had exactly no experience of using the "room" as a novice transgender woman, I had plenty of experience with women being totally inappropriate when using the women's room. I can't tell you how many times I cleaned up messes, tried to repair broken stalls and even had to remove feminine hygiene products from toilets. All of this occurred when I was a restaurant manager so you can probably imagine the problems I encountered.

So before I even started to have to use the "room" on my way to playing in the girl's sandbox, a couple of preconceived ideas I had about others (women) who used it were destroyed. Women were definitely not always the cleaner or well behaved gender when it came to rest room usage. An example was how quickly I learned to check the toilet seat before I sat down.

Many other "rules" were self explanatory such as sitting down when you pee. Other not so evident rules include trying to direct your pee stream into the bowl to mimic the sound a cis woman makes in the next stall over. I even went as far as carrying a tampon or pad in my purse if I was asked to provide one by another woman. 

Truthfully the one thing I had to get used to was being greeted eye to eye in the rest room by other women. Of course I was so used to the exact opposite in macho men's rooms I sued to frequent. Early on I became used to it and often tried to speak first. 

Another hard and fast rule I couldn't forget (no matter how quickly I was trying to finish and leave) was to always, always, always stop to wash my hands which was a great time to check my makeup and hair. Another surprise was I rarely heard any of the super secret conversations I thought women were supposed to have when they head off together to use the restroom. So called girl talk became boring quickly. 

Even though it has been years since I have been challenged about using the rest room of my choice, back in the day when I was first coming out of my gender closet that wasn't the case. One night I had the police called on me for just having to pee, all the way to some cis woman calling me a pervert. To this day I still carry the scars of those long ago encounters, 

I am sure you all may have your own restroom etiquette experiences such as never putting your purse on the floor. Plus some of you are lucky enough to live in a state where it is legal to use the restroom of your choice. Sadly we have to go through all of this to do what should come naturally. You shouldn't have to hold it in all day just because narrow gender minded people still exist. Just don't forget to follow a few simple rules in the room to help yourself along.     

Taking the Gamble

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

 I have never been good at or desired to be good at any form of gambling. However taking a gamble was completely the case when I decided to play my gender cards and transition into a transgender woman. 

Since it took me nearly a half a century of being a very serious cross dresser, I had plenty of time to consider my next move before I made it. Over the past, I have given more than a few examples of my many failures attempting to break out of my gender closet, as well as successes also. One of my examples of success was the night I was by myself in Columbus, Ohio attending a party at a transgender friends house. For whatever unknown (now) reason, I decided to go all in black. I wore a pair of shorts which were not short with black tights, flats and a black sweater. A dark wig completed my outfit. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided my looks were attractive enough without going overboard and out the door I went.

Once I arrived at the party, I found everyone on the patio because it still was a warmish fall evening and found I had dressed appropriately for the evening. After awhile, a single woman approached me who I presumed to be a lesbian. Our conversation moved along smoothly until we decided to leave for awhile and go to a well known large lesbian venue in the nearby downtown area. I gambled and said yes since I knew my way around Columbus and could return if I needed to. Later on in the evening, we went on our separate ways and I never saw her at any other parties.

Another time I gambled in the opposite direction and didn't go/stay with a guy in a bar in Cleveland, It happened after I submitted myself to a professional makeover and couldn't believe the change, It was so dramatic I was invited to tag along with the transvestite groups "A-Listers" or the self perceived prettiest cross dressers. They were shocked when a man approached me to stay and play pin ball with him. I was flattered but told him no because I didn't know if he knew the gender truth about me and if something negative happened, I didn't know the way back to the hotel where we were staying. I left forever wondering what would have happened if I gambled and stayed. 

Overall, the biggest gamble I ever took was when I came out as a transvestite to a few close friends in the army. This was way back before the so called more liberal LGBTQ "Don't ask Don't tell" days in the military. I worked in a very public job as a radio disc jockey position in Stuttgart, Germany. I could have lost it as well as being dishonorably discharged if the wrong people found out. Which they never did. I went on to marry one of the friends I came out to and she is the mother of my beloved supportive daughter. My gamble really paid off.

These are just a few of the gambles I took in my life. I do believe if you don't take some gambles you won't get ahead in your life. Plus just living pushes you into taking gambles. Regardless, I always tried to play my cards the best way I could. 

Pushing too Hard

Jean Skirt Look
Back in the day

Over the many years I spent trying to find my way into a feminine world, often I was guilty of pushing too hard. A primary example was when for once I was able to put my cross dressing act all together. In other words I was able to walk without falling in sidewalk cracks plus I felt my makeup, outfit and hair all looked as good as possible. I felt good and the whole experience was a positive one. 

The next time I went out I thought I would build on the last experience but didn't quite do it. In those days I was still validating my life as a cross dresser or transvestite by what men thought of me. It wasn't until much later when I learned it was so much more important to me to be judged and validated by other women around me. So, to make a long story short, I went overboard in my dress, makeup and especially hair. The end result was similar to a matador waving a red cape at a bull. I stood out like a sore thumb wherever I went. In addition, many times I was thrown back to square one and had to start all over with how I dressed myself. 

It took awhile of tough loving my feminine self but I finally learned all my trashy outfits and crazy wigs weren't working, I finally settled into a more or less everyday persona of who I would eventually become on an everyday basis. I substituted too short and tight mini skirts for more proper yet flattering jean skirts and I used flowing fun blouses/tops to help disguise my all too hated male figure. In essence I ended up killing two birds with one stone. My appearance was still on the cutting edge of having fun without going so far I was attracting unwanted attention.

Also around that time was when I quit pushing so hard and began to relax on most fronts. Now I could pay more attention in rounding out more of my total self. The way I moved, the way I talked began to come together, From then on pushing harder was out and a new confidence was in. I even settled on the same wig which I nearly wore out. 

Through it all though I don't want to give the idea that anything was a pushover when it came to my gender transition. It was just like I could start on starting on settling more of the more mundane problems I was experiencing. One of which was not so mundane was using the women's restroom which is a topic I revisit fairly often in my posts. It is no secret I like to drink beer and beer doesn't stay with you long so I had to use the women's room frequently. Often it was the ultimate answer to how I was presenting as a transgender woman. I found in many venues other patrons would draw the line and complain if I needed to pee. Having the cops called on me was a decidedly unpleasant experience

Another small thing I did to try to normalize being a single woman in a hetero bar was to use my cell phone as a prop. I would sit down, order and act like I was texting someone else to join me. As you can tell I was trying every little thing I could to make it in feminine world and earn my right to play in the girl's sandbox.

When I quit pushing so hard, the easier it became. 
      

Girls Night Out

Girls Night Out #1 
I am on the left.

As I was first attempting to survive in the feminine world without the "Ha-Ha" moments Connie mentioned in a recent comment on my :Ah-Ha" post, I craved any opportunity I had to join a women's night out. In a relatively short period of time I was fortunate and was invited to four, One of which was even a bachelorette party which sadly was cancelled. Two of the remaining invites were with a group of cis women friends I became close to until similar to many women they got married and moved away from the group. Children were involved also.

Perhaps the most exciting was my first invite because I had no idea of what to expect seeing as how there were going to be a couple other women attending who I didn't know. How would they accept a transgender woman? The answer was one didn't seem to care and the other rejected me quickly.  

My first issue was what to wear of course. I wanted to appear as attractive as I could without over-dressing the other women. As you can see in the picture, I think I achieved the desired effect. My second issue was what would the conversation be when no men were present and again how would I fit in. The whole process (per norm) turned out to be just a whole lot of worry about nothing. Most of the conversation dealt with family and children so I just inserted my daughter's examples when I could. During the space of the evening I even forgot to worry about my voice. Everything must have worked out fine because shortly after the first night out, I was invited to another before I moved away with Liz to Cincinnati.

Perhaps the most surprising girl's night out occurred when I was invited by a group of servers from one of the venues I was going to on a regular basis to join them for a get together at another trendy venue. I was terrified when I said yes. How would I react to going with a group of younger, more attractive women to a venue I had only been to a couple of times. This time there wasn't much conversation because of the amount of guys the rest of the group attracted. It turned out to be like I was almost invisible as the night went on. Lesson learned.

As far as other lessons learned, I discovered no new earth shattering gender secrets when women gather.  Naturally, it was no big surprise when the younger women I was with got their flirt on with men and forgot about the group all together. Even though all of that happened I was pleased I survived the evening without doing anything gender ignorant.

Overall, all of the girls nights out I was invited to were fun and learning experiences. I was happy to accept the invitation. 

  

A-Ha Moments

Beaded Trans Hair Piece by
Liz T Designs 

 This is an extension of several recent posts I have written about  my gender transition but few of them were about a-ha moments along the way. I guess you could call them rare moments of gender euphoria before I ever thought of such a phrase which I of course didn't invent. 

The first a-ha moment I had was early in life when I realized dressing up as a girl wasn't enough. Being a girl was the best idea. There was no way I could know this was the first indication I was transgender and not a cross dresser. 

Fast forward several years of gender struggle, my next moments of gender euphoria could all be wrapped up in all the Halloween parties I went to. Through them all I learned the power of dressing as a woman was real and I loved it all. Especially the parties when I was mistaken for a well dressed woman not in costume. More on those parties when I spotlight Halloween in my October posts.

In essence Halloween taught me there was a chance I could pursue farther the idea of living my life in a feminine world and survive. 

Finally Halloween became just another day for me and I moved on to other a-ha moments came when I decided male dominated gay venues weren't working for me. I became quite frustrated when I was treated like a drag queen or when I was completely discriminated against for simply being myself. When I learned I could frequent large sports bars or the occasional small lesbian bar and be much happier.  Often I learned the hard way I could live in the world and play in the girls sandbox. The more I did it, the more I wanted to do to expand my knowledge of being an out transgender woman. Which in itself was a true revelation.

About this time a-ha moments came fast and furious as I learned the hard way how to exist and communicate with other women. For the second time in my life woman's fashion took a back seat to more important functions such as establishing myself as a brand new feminine person. All of the sudden I was completely immersed with communicating with the world as a transgender woman.

Perhaps the biggest a-ha moment in my transgender life came when I started hormone replacement therapy. For once I was syncing up the inner woman who I strongly felt needed to live with my external testosterone poisoned exterior self. In a short period of time, my breasts and hair grew wonderfully along with a softening of my skin and features. Perhaps most surprisingly were the changes to my emotions. I became decidedly less aggressive when dealing with world. I guess you could say HRT softened my world.

Of course there are many other a-ha moments which may come along in your life such as passing a mirror and noticing a woman looking back at you. Hopefully your positive moments out number your negative ones.  

Living the Dream

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

For so many years I lived with what I thought was the impossible dream. That dream of course was wondering if I could ever live a life as a full time transgender woman. Although for the longest time I didn't see how I was ever going to make it to my goal, slowly but surely I kept moving towards it. 

I like to say I was a serious cross dresser for fifty years of my life. During the half century I made a few strides in makeup and fashion only to find myself headed back to the cross dressing drawing board time and time again. The only positive aspect of the experiences were I tried to learn from each one. What worked and what didn't. Every positive gave me hope for the future. 

Along the way I have written concerning the gender maze I found myself in. I felt everytime I achieved one goal and turned the corner, I found another corner to deal with. Almost all with no positive intervention from any other person. Even though my wives knew of my cross dressing activities, they were rarely participants. And, if the truth be known, many times I didn't want to follow the ideas of what a woman meant to them. Even to the point of trying my best to dress to blend when and if we ever went out together as girlfriends. Examples were when my second wife and I used to journey to Columbus, Ohio to eat at a LGBT friendly restaurant. It got the point of me wearing jeans and a sweater and she (my wife) still didn't like the way I looked. Deep down I knew I was struggling to find my feminine identity and I stayed on course with what I wanted to wear. 

Slowly but so uncertainly my small successes added up and my dream of living full time became more than a distant reality. After the fewer and fewer setbacks I had, I righted the gender ship and realized yet again how natural my feminine side felt. When I went out as a novice transgender woman I felt the world was in the right place and I even went as far as feeling out of place when I went out as a guy. 

Finally even I could not deny it any longer, I was meant to live as a transgender woman. I started hormone replacement therapy and started to transition my exterior as close as I could to match my feminine soul. It all worked so well and I was left no alternative to living my dream. The hormones fueled the fire which burnt my final bridge back to any male life I had left. 

After I made the commitment to giving away all of my male clothes, a new voice inside of me was asking what took so long. My only answer was I was stubborn and wanted to hang on to whatever white male privilege as long as I could. Most certainly giving it all up was one of the best decisions I ever made.

My biggest lesson from my lifetime of experience is, not trying at all is the biggest disaster.

Trans Dar?

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

 Trans Dar to me means recognizing another transgender woman. All of it seems so simple but it is not. 

First, you have to decide if your transgender instincts are correct. An example occurred when I was arriving I saw another woman who arrived just ahead of me for our recent transgender - cross dresser group dinner. She was well dressed in a summer dress with low high heels. More than likely, if I had just been coming to the venue on a regular night, I may have not given her a second glance. But she was by herself and she set off my Trans Dar. She beat me to the table and later I found she was a self professed cross dresser. 

Approaching another transgender person for me has never happened. Back when we used to shop regularly at a couple grocery stores I used to see on occasion a couple of women I perceived to be transgender. The most I did do was try to get a closer look to see if I could be correct if she was another transgender woman. On occasion I wished I had the courage to speak to them but I didn't. The main reason was I was afraid I could be wrong. How rude would it be for me to try to strike up a conversation with a stranger for no specific reason. 

Another reason for not approaching another transgender woman is many don't want to be read as trans and approached. Normally anymore I am in my own little world and would be really surprised if I was ever approached. Also I would have to examine what I was doing wrong with my presentation as a feminine person to blend in with the public. Which is something I didn't always do.'

I am sure when I went to many venues such as grocery stores or big box stores, I was the one who didn't blend in my tight short skirt with heels and hose. I was the one who went to a mall in a tennis outfit I put together. Which did get quite a bit of attention from the old men who were exercising in the mall. It all led to a heightened sense of Trans Dar whenever I saw an overdressed woman in a store where nearly all women dressed very casual.  

Whatever the case, Trans Dar is a difficult topic which does it part to keep our transgender community apart. I go back to the example of the cross dresser I met for the first time the other night. If it wasn't for the dinner, I would have never had the chance to meet her. 

To start with, we transgender tribe members are an exceedingly rare part of society and need all the companionship we can get. Sadly Trans Dar is not the way to do it. 

Count Your Change

Photo by The DK Photography 
on Unsplash 

 I vaguely remember the days when I used cash to purchase my needs. Those were the days I used to accumulate quite a bit of change. On the other hand, my wife was a bookkeeper and kept track of all of our finances. 

About that time was when I started to explore the world as a novice transgender or an experienced cross dresser and needed feminine clothes. Which was easier said than done. First I had to decide where to go for the best deals and better yet to try to figure out which size would fit me and flatter my masculine figure. 

Money was hard to come by as I attempted to put together a feminine wardrobe. Not only did I have to sneak out, I had to slowly accumulate the money to shop without my wife wondering where the cash was going. 

About that time is when I really discovered thrift stores. In the stores, I had the freedom to shop to my heart's content without anyone to bother me. I could also purchase clothes at bargain basement prices which I could experiment with. Fashion attempts could be kept at more of a minimum thanks to thrift store shopping. Also, once I learned what I could wear I could go to a more upscale clothing store and buy a similar fashion item. 

It was about this time when I learned the etiquette of using the changing rooms. Of course at the beginning I was very paranoid about even asking to try clothes on. As time went on, I hitched up my big girl panties and asked for access to the changing rooms. I am happy to say I never received any negative feedback about using the women's changing rooms. Nothing from the clerks I encountered and nothing from other women. I don't know what would happen today with the advent of "Karen's" or self entitled people who take it upon themselves to police others. Plus, today I always have Liz with me to "clear the way" for any potential negative circumstances.

My fashion life has become so much easier now that my male past is behind me and I don't have to worry about maintaining two wardrobes. I have only my full time feminine clothes to worry about. And currently my biggest problem is rediscovering all my fall clothes. Most of which still fit since my size hasn't changed that much. Along with my eyes which I had recently checked. I still have the beginnings of a cataract in one eye which doesn't require surgery yet. So new glasses will soon be my new fashion update. 

Even though I use my bank card for almost everything I buy, I don't have to count my change anymore to buy my clothes. Plus one thing I forgot to mention was on line shopping . Liz is a huge fan but I am not so much. Having to return something because it is the wrong size is such a hassle. I still appreciate going to a store and shopping. 

Time in a Bottle

 

Photo Courtesy Nickolas Horn
on UnSplash

With all due respects to Jim Croce who wrote the song "Time in a Bottle", I decided to title this post by the same name.

The bottle I am referring to is the alcoholic one. I grew up in a home where my Dad used alcohol regularly so it wasn't much of a surprise when I became of age I started to drink alcohol also. Along the way, I developed the habit of being able to hold my liquor well. If my friends and I could somehow get around the age limits to buy it. As with any other potential vices, we found ways to do it. 

By the time I got to college I was well versed in drinking with everyone else. Even if I was still underage due to Ohio's liquor laws. I guess you could say I was ahead of the curve when it came to alcohol.

Then came the military. Of course my time in basic training took me away from any drinking activities as did my time in Thailand. Due to the lack of drinkable beer. But then came the exact opposite when I was sent to Germany who really take pride in their quality beer and wines. Very quickly I acquired a taste for our locally produced beer and a few wines.

Fast forward to what any of this had to do with being transgender. As most of you probably know, alcohol often brings out the best or the worst in a person. People often become braver in many areas of their lives. Ultimately liquor enabled me the courage to first come out as a transvestite to my friends after a Halloween party. Which could have gotten me into any number of problems in the pre "Don't ask-Don't tell" era of the military. Here I was coming out in plain view to a few of my friends and risking a less than honorable discharge. All because of alcoholic infused bravery.

All of this turned out to be just the beginning. I tried to come out to my Mom after a night of drinking and was soundly rejected. But I kept trying. 

When I first started to try out the world as a feminine person, the bottle proved to play a major role in the process. When I gathered the courage to stop for lunch, I would always order a beer to steady my nerves and later give me the courage to try out new and exciting venues. Of course the further I went, the further I wanted to go. 

As I went further and further into the feminine world, I chose large sports venues and small lesbian bars as my favorite places to go. It was very difficult for me to conquer the fear of rejection I was feeling and my use of alcohol helped me. Even though it was only beer I was drinking, I was emboldened to continue. After a period of time, it was difficult for me to separate my desire to become a transgender woman with my desire to drink.

Finally I came to the point I didn't need it. About that time I had a scare concerning my liver so anymore recreational drinking was over. Without hesitation, my time in a bottle was over. Plus, I didn't need to find the courage to live the way I had always dreamed of, as a woman. I had arrived and now my alcoholic consumption is approximately two beers a month.  

From the Gender Ledge

 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

In many ways, this is an extension of yesterday's post. Along the way I mentioned and showed a photo of a guy looking over a steep ledge. My comment was I was at the ledge looking over the edge when I was considering moving away from my old cross dressing male life and moving to a full time existence as a transgender woman. 

Naturally, I was terrified of leaving behind a fairly successful life as a man with a good job, friends and family. I had to prepare myself to lose almost everything I had worked so long for. I had reached the magical moment when white males become privileged citizens by default. On the other hand, I was near retirement age so wouldn't have to worry about finding a new job as a transgender woman. On another hand, sadly, almost all of my close friends had passed away and my parents had long since passed on. All of a sudden the ledge didn't look so steep.

Still remaining were the normal everyday hurdles we face in life. I had to consider even the smallest details of life. For example, I would have to go into male dominated spaces as a transgender woman. Another aspect was how would I present myself to the world everyday. No longer would I have to stress compulsively on how I looked. Thanks to hormone replacement therapy, my whole make up routine was shortened to a point when I only needed a light application of eye make up and lipstick if and only if I was going out. I was always fortunate in that my hair grew on it's own to a point where I didn't have to wear wigs.

I won't sit here and try to tell you jumping off the ledge was easy. Often the landing was bumpy and uneven. The only words of wisdom I would have are to try to stay loose and flexible. Always assume new changes are right around the corner. Just when you thought you had everything figured out. Like when I went with Liz to get my ears pierced. She got her smile on when I protested slightly when the pain hit. For all of you considering piercing your ears don't think it is painful because it is not. I am just a huge baby when it comes to any kind of pain. 

I can't say enough how important it was to me to have formed a strong support group around me when I decided to jump off the ledge. I can't thank them enough. I was able to find them by taking the steps to put myself out in the public's eye. On the other hand, all of them were open minded enough to embrace me as a friend and as a transgender woman. They made my gender landing much softer. 

Transgender Evolution

Photo courtesy
Jessie Hart

 I am biased but I continue to view the transgender experience as human evolution. I mean how else where you are forced to cross the binary gender divide to sample how the "other half" lives. Surely it is a difficult journey but at the end of it we all have a chance to build a new/different person. Often from scratch.

We have to go through many of the same issues cis women go through on their journey to become women. Keep in mind, being female does not guarantee you will ever achieve true womanhood. Similar to males becoming men. On our journey to finding our authentic gender selves we are capable of encountering as many toxic females as males. Sadly, we don't often possess the life tools to deal with them. In my own case, I tried my best to stay away from most all males. So I never had the chance to find out if they were toxic or not. It were the females who surprised me.

As life went by it seemed I attracted the attention of far more females than males. For the most part I was accepted into the feminine world without much of a problem. On the other hand, there were plenty of times I was made to jump out of the girls sandbox and regroup. For whatever reason I was rejected, especially in a few lesbian circles. Another example was when Liz and I were minding our own business at a lesbian Valentines party when a stray female forced her way into my world asking what my "real" name was. I don't know what problem she had with me me except she was a huge transphobe looking for trouble. After me basically ignoring her, she finally went away.

Even though I had my share of unpleasant encounters and I was sent home in tears, I knew deep down, it was all a learning experience.  No one ever said life was going to be easy and I found out the hard way how true it was when I made it out of my closet and into the world as a novice transgender woman. Seemingly, destiny was on my side when I had just enough pleasant or positive experiences to keep me moving forward. Such as the night at Fridays restaurant and bar when I made the conscious decision to try to go out and exist as a woman. Not just look like one. A huge mind shift for me as I was considering moving from being a cross dresser to seeing if I could exist in a feminine world. 

Naturally I evolved with my overall skills as I transitioned. Mainly I learned to blend in and communicate with other women successfully. 

Finally I arrived at a point where it didn't make any sense to continue in a male life I was miserable in and I made the final evolution into a full time transgender woman's life. My future wife Liz said it best to me. She pointed out how rare it was for a person to have a second chance at life so do it the best you can.

Between the Transgender Rock and the Hard Place

 

Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash

Sadly, many of us in the transgender community have experienced losing a spouse as we continue our journeys towards living as our authentic selves. 

Equally as sad is the fact for many the trip turns out to be a selfish and solitary experience. In addition, our spouses all too often have front row seats as we slowly slip away. First there are the clothes and the makeup, then comes the occasional trips to test the public's eye and those turn out to be the simplest part. 

In my case I have written often how my second wife (deceased) accepted me being a cross dresser but rejected any ideas of me transitioning into a transgender woman. It led me to sneak out behind her back as much as possible and into huge fights when she caught me. All of the hostility led her once telling me to be man enough to be a woman. 

She unfortunately was gone before I transitioned and I will be forever interested in what she would have thought about the new person I became. I loved her very much and held on to the bitter end. Looking back, had she lived I am sure we could not have survived as a couple. The draw to live a feminine life was just too strong and felt all too natural. I can't imagine her accepting me changing my name for example. 

Having said all of that, I have several transgender women friends who have managed to hold together a marriage through a transition. Slowly and often begrudgingly spouses have decided to stay with their trans mates for any number of reasons, including children. Another subject totally. Some kids just seem to accpet more than others. 

I can't imagine if my spouse decided to transition to being a trans man. Of course I am biased and think there would be no problems but deep down I'm not so sure. Even though on occasion Liz is more masculine than I ever was even when I was trying to hide any toxic masculinity I ever had. 

The whole process certainly puts us all between the rock and the hard place when it comes to our gender transitions. Deep down we know it's something we have to do regardless of the number of years we have put into a marriage. I was at twenty five years and counting when my spouse passed away. We faced problems in the relationship when I was the girly girl of both of us. So much so, she asked me to help with her makeup on special occasions. 

The whole process for me was similar to a slippery slope. The more I did as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. As I was finally syncing up my feminine soul with my exterior and exploring the world, the better I felt...for awhile until the pressure to explore again began to build on me. It was then I began to feel I was between the rock and the hard place. Having someone who love but not as my authentic self. 

The whole process eventually led me to a suicide attempt. The rock and the hard place was a brutal place to be. As I looked over my gender cliff, I didn't know where I would land and how soft the landing would be. New friends made it all a success. 

  

The Weekend

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

 It's Saturday which means college football and tomorrow is pro football day. Sandwiched in between is the paranoia I feel about going to a long put off eye appointment Monday afternoon. It's been since 2016 since I have had an eye check up so I am primarily worried about having the beginning stages of cataracts at my age.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Also my paranoid noggin is suggesting to me I will have some sort of a hassle of getting my female glasses, not male. I didn't have any problems before so I shouldn't  have any problems. As you can probably tell, I am good  at making my own problems up. 

The last two days of the week I virtually visited my two therapists. Both went predictably smooth. I have seen both for years and they know me well. Out of the two, my actual therapist tries to find things I should do and pressure me to do them. None of which have anything to do with me being transgender. The latest example is my CPAP machine. For those of you who don't know, a CPAP machine helps you to have a better nights sleep by basically adjusting your air pressure. By wearing a decidedly unsexy mask. I received one years ago from the Veterans Administration and found out several months ago mine was on a recall list to be replaced by the company. I sent in a replacement request in February and haven't heard anything back yet. However the company said at the time it could take a year to replace. 

So much for the boring things, the wedding still beckons and of course I still haven't figured out exactly what I am going to wear. I have a whole month to decide so why hurry, right? Plus I am not a fan of fancy wedding gowns so the extra expense is out. None of my previous wives (2) bought fancy gowns and did just fine, so I should also. It is nothing to me. Out of all my dreams as a young feminine wannabe, being a bride wasn't one I admired and wanted to do. 

Another major decision I want to make before the October 16th wedding is if I am going to have my long hair trimmed. Liz has volunteered to do it. No pressure! 

Other than that, my my home state of Ohio (typically) is trying to pass a measure to force the state school board to discriminate against LGBTQ students in the state. The local television station here in Cincinnati ran an interview with the legislator pushing the bill. Typically he looked as if he was in the closet of his own but was masking it all with religion. Tragically for transgender youth in the state, it will probably pass. Groups such as Trans Ohio are organizing a protest but sadly we live too far away to attend.     

    

Halloween?

Even though October is still a couple weeks away and the weather is shifting back to summer like conditions, thoughts turn to Halloween. Naturally, my favorite holiday. 

Halloween Witches 
Ball 

Halloween means so much to me because it allowed me to experiment living as my authentic self in a semi feminine world. I say "semi" because I was normally around people I knew when I dressed up in my so called "costume" so even though I craved compliments, I still had to act as if they meant nothing to me. Perhaps the best compliment I ever received was when a couple of cis women friends said something like if I would ever want to go that direction as a woman I wouldn't have any problems. Little did they know how prophetic it was to say that but on the other hand, problems would be many as a life in transition  went by. 

Halloween became so important to me I normally couldn't think of much else as early as a month before the actual party date. Many times I would stress on my outfit. Part of me wanted to be as sexy as I could be. On the other hand, I wished I could present well enough as a woman to be mistaken as the person (female) who didn't wear a costume. 

Another major problem I had was the industry I worked in. I worked in high volume restaurants as a manager The jobs precluded me from dressing up because of mainly safety issues at work. Plus normally I worked most weekend evenings when all the best Halloween parties took place. As the years went by, I finally was promoted up the line enough I could set my own schedule and make certain I had the proper nights off to attempt a Halloween party. I say attempt because my second wife kept a tight reign on any Halloween escapades I may try.

Since I only had such a small window to try to live my dream of being feminine and even perhaps discover if I could ever live full time as a transgender woman.

Over the next month I am going to feature several Halloween posts which hopefully will describe the path I took. All the way to attempting to set up my own Halloween party in June. Which backfired when only I showed up in costume as a trashy woman.

In the meantime, on occasion I am sad my favorite holiday has been reduced to looking for other men dressed as women. Times change.  

Thank You! And More

 

Photo by Howie R on
Unsplash

Thanks to all of you who took the time to congratulate Liz and I on our upcoming marriage vows. The response was overwhelming to both of us.  As I have written several times, the actual ceremony will be October 16th. 

In the meantime, it is therapy week for me on Thursday and Friday. Since I am bi-polar, I have a separate nurse practitioner to monitor my medications from the Veterans Administration doctors. It is a very in depth process since along the way, years ago, I admitted to the depression which led to to a very serious suicide attempt. So, just to be safe, I have to check in every three months. 

Friday is a different story. Every two weeks or so I have my regular appointment with my psychologist/therapist.  She is the one who over the years has helped me with securing hormone replacement therapy, legal name change documents and gender change documents within the VA. As you can tell, we have been together a long time. 

She has been with me from my time as a nervous cross dresser exploring HRT all the way to the present as I have lived as a full time transgender woman. I have shared all my insecurities with her. Especially the one of how it would be to throw out all my male clothes and take on the world. Important also was the fact my therapist is LGBTQ educated and could make the separation between my bi-polar moods and my transgender adjustment. I can not stress it enough, there is a HUGE difference between dressing up as a woman for special occasions to spending your life in a feminine world. I still have my problems with going into male dominated settings such as mechanics shops and even one trip to a junk yard. 

By now, I am sure you are thinking, what does this all with wishing you all a big thank you. I really appreciate too all of you who have taken the time and money to subscribe to Medium and those who comment on Google.

As far as my repeated warnings on the difference between being a cross dresser versus a transgender woman, I realize many of you can't make the jump if you wanted to. Been there, done that also. Be ready though life can change in a moment.  

Legally Complete

Dinner with Liz on the right
Jessie Hart

Yesterday, Liz and I made the big step of going to the courthouse and obtaining a marriage license following eleven years of knowing each other. No need to hurry, right? 

After walking what seemed like a mile to me to get to the courthouse, we made our way by elevator to the tenth floor where marriage licenses are done. As I waited for the process, the more nervous I became. How would the clerk perceive us and would there be a bias. At the least we would be perceived as two women getting married and at the worst I would be outed as a transgender woman marrying a cis-woman. It turned out the only major problem I was going to have was my own fault. There was a pre-certification process I had to fill out before we went to pick up and/or do the licensing process.

For one, somehow I filled out the wrong question concerning my deceased wife and they had me as divorced at the time of her death. If all of that was true (it wasn't) I would have had to come up with a divorce decree. I was able to convince the clerk I filled the form out wrong and I was definitely still married to her when she passed away. 

Once I passed that hurdle, I had to go way back in my old noggin to 1978, to my divorce from my first wife. I was able to search county records on line from my hometown and actually located the file of our disillusionment I was looking for. Ironically the hardest part of the entire process turned out to be the part I did correctly because the clerk said all my information had been accepted.

From then on, it was clear sailing as we filled out the rest of the necessary paperwork and paid out the seventy five dollar fee. By the way, no bias was shown due to our gender situation. For all the clerk knew, we were two women getting married. Just the way I wanted it. The only thing that made it difficult was my own mistakes filling out the information.

We are all set now until the official wedding date of October 16th. Liz in particular is excited for her first marriage. 

Last night we celebrated by going to our favorite Mexican restaurant to have a Margarita and talked about our past, present and most importantly our future. Somehow I have always felt two is better than one so yes I am excited about the future.    

Time Flies

Liz and I on New Years Eve

 Unfortunately for her, one of my Mom's well worn comments I never forgot  when she caught me wishing time away went something like this, "Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you come to the end, the faster it goes." 

The idea of Mom's is certainly coming true for me. An example is coming up tomorrow when Liz and I go down to the courthouse to secure our marriage license. It seems not so long ago the need to go was still weeks away. Before I know it, October 16th will be here and we will be married by our officiant Josh. For all of you who may wonder what an "officiant" is, Liz and I have not decided to be married by a minister/priest in a church. Josh is recognized by the state to do weddings and file the proper paperwork. He is also the leader of Liz's coven she is part of, so we will be in good hands. 

Hopefully, since we will be in an outdoor shelter hosue, the weather will cooperate also. 

Of course, this upcoming wedding is just one example of something either I never thought would happen or would be so far into my future I wouldn't have to worry about it for awhile. The older we get, the more time becomes compressed and moves along with more purpose. Perhaps it is why we think time is flying faster than before. Also when we were younger, you had time to overcome mistakes such as gender related issues. In all too many instances (such as my own) families need to be replaced and new friends secured. 

I was so old when I transitioned (60) I was certain a new life as a transgender woman was going to be a very solitary experience. One I was prepared to make even though I was still trying to meet others on line and in the very few venues I went to. Against all odds, Liz responded to an on-line search for that special someone. Impossibly I couldn't believe it was happening to me. 

Most of you know the rest of the story, in under a month I will be seventy three and shortly after that I will be into my third marriage. My first marriage ended fairly well and she knew the entire time I was a cross dresser. Most importantly my first wife was the mother of my only child, a daughter. The best gift ever. My second wife who also had no problems with my cross dressing always drew the line at any ideas of me having a transgender future passed away unexpectedly from a massive heart attack. No way possible did I ever think there would be a Mrs. Hart that  she would be me. 

Time does really fly by as the roll of toilet paper moves faster and faster.  

More Planning

 

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

This comment comes from Connie concerning a recent post I wrote about actually planning your gender transition:

"I dare say that the attempted balance of a male/female existence requires much more planning than does the actual transitioning process. Of course, by planning, I mean the controlling, conniving and deceptive behavior necessary to make time for expressing one's desired gender.

For a while, before I made the move to transition, I wondered if my gender dysphoria might only be an addiction, not unlike other addictions such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling. My behavior certainly matched, point by point, the lists that describe an addict, with planning my life choices around the perceived addiction, itself, being the overwhelming destructive force.

Compartmentalization of the two binary gender expressions seems to be attainable by some, but not by me. I really did try to make it work, though, for many years. It requires much control to do so (or so I thought for myself), and I eventually gave way to the weakness (my perceived addiction) that took things out of control. This is why I say that although I will never apologize to anyone for being a transgender woman, I must beg for forgiveness for the things I did and didn't do in order to feed the perceived addiction.

In retrospect, I can say that my addiction was not to my gender identity or dysphoria, but it was to the destructive behavior, itself. My plans were obviously misdirected. As Yogi Berra once said, “If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else.”

Is that like saying "No matter where you go, there you are?"

Thanks for the comment!

Gender Hack

 

Photo by Nahel Abdul Hadi on Unsplash

Since I have spent the majority of my morning fixing my bank account following a hackers damage, I thought perhaps a post would be relevant. The more I worked on stopping the damage it seemed the more I discovered I had to do.

Not unlike when I made the slow decision I was gender dysphoric. One of the big problems was the word I think had not even been invented or if it was I didn't have access to it during the pre-internet era. I can only remember vividly something was terribly wrong and why was I one of the few boys in the world who wanted to be a girl. I barely knew what a transvestite or cross dresser was. 

One of the problems I had was I  mistakenly thought girls had it so much easier than boys. They were the gender who were allowed to wear the pretty clothes and seemingly didn't have the pressure to compete for things like grades and sports. The entire idea was cruel and unusual punishment as I had to sneak behind my families back to wear my small collection of female clothes. Why couldn't I just be like all the other boys in the neighborhood and forget about the insanity of wanting to be a girl. 

It wasn't to be and my gender was hacked. I was hopelessly locked in to desiring to be the other gender. Why couldn't I be the young girl with all the dark hair I saw on vacation one year or be the girl I always sat across from in study hall or home room. 

Perhaps the worst part of the hack was how difficult it was to negotiate getting rid of it. Sadly, it wasn't until much later in life when I finally learned I couldn't get rid of it. Somehow, someway the hack was installed at birth and I didn't have a choice. In fact, the hack turned out to be just the opposite of what I always grew up thinking it was. All the time I was looking in the mirror dreaming to be feminine, I spent more time in public struggling to be masculine. 

I was fortunate in the fact I found a whole new set of friends who didn't believe I was hacked at all and was just living my gender truth as a transgender woman. I have mentioned several of them in recent posts. Essentially they saw through the gender maze I was attempting to negotiate and helped to bring me out the other side. 

I found out the hard way that women do not have it easier than men and lead very complex and layered lives. So much more than being able to have pretty clothes and spend hours on your makeup. Even though on occasion it is fun to do. 

One thing being transgender teaches you is to roll with the punches. So I'm sure I will continue to exist until the next pain in the rear comes along. After all what can they do? Laugh at me or make fun of me behind my back? Been there, done it. 

Hopefully I won't have to be hacked again to realize how good I really have it.

A Plan?

 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

As you followed the long and winding path towards living as your authentic self, did you have a plan? Looking back, I think my plan was relying on luck more than anything else. 

Having said that, I did at one point a plan to try to visit different places when I was cross dressed as a woman. For example, when malls and clothing stores became too easy, I began to choose other places such as stopping to eat all the way to seeing how I presented at the big male dominated home improvement stores. 

What I didn't plan on happening was how fast the public remembered me if I saw them more than a couple times. I didn't plan on becoming that close to anyone that I happened to start to know. All of those life events destroyed any possible idea of a detailed orderly plan during my transition.

Along the way, any idea of having a plan went out the window. Changes came fast and furious. So fast I had a difficult time keeping up. Times became so rough, I think the hardest years of my life came when I was trying to live part time in both of the binary genders, male and female. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Life became so complicated, I had to make a conscious decision on which gender I would be that day. How I walked, how I talked and the rest. An example of the difficult time I was having was the evening I went to see the amazing Christmas lights at nearby Clifton Mills, an event I could leave the car in my boots, leggings and sweater and mingle with the public. Even stopping to order a hot chocolate. A first at the time, actually stepping up and dealing with the public one on one. The best part was no one gave me a second glance.

What made it worse, I was still married to a disproving wife who was due home at anytime and the next morning I had to be back at work crossdressing as a man. The stress became nearly unbearable and I had no plan to deal with it. 

Finally the universe came together and I was able to fully transition to my authentic feminine self. Then I had to make the most dramatic plans at all, to live my life full time as a transgender woman and begin hormone replacement therapy. Following those decisions, I had to plan how to legally change my name and gender on all the documents I could. Including the Veterans Administration which handles my health care.

Now of course, we are planning a very low key but legal wedding in October. We are going downtown to the courthouse next week to get the paperwork filed. We have the shelter house reserved in a nearby park as well as the officiant for the ceremony. So plans are coming together. 

A Vacuum?

 

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how hard you try, there are always outside influences which effect the outcome of what we want to happen. 

This is especially true for transgender women and trans men. During our gender transitions we rely on others on occasion to show us the way. Recently, I have mentioned cis women such as Liz, Kim, my daughter and Min who provided guidance or even a shove to get me moving in the right direction. Liz in particular told me she didn't see any male in me at all, my daughter took me to her hair salon and Kim took me to a professional football game. All were totally instrumental in me becoming a full time out transgender woman.

Ironically, early in my transition I didn't believe in needing a cis woman to assist in furthering my own gender trip across the frontier. I went back to my much anticipated visit with my fiancé when she would completely dress me head to toe as a woman. Even though it was a thrilling day, deep down I wasn't impressed that much with the results. As far as the makeup went, by that time I had plenty of time to practice on my own over the years. Her improvement just wasn't that noticeable. As far as the clothes went, I picked out the outfit myself. I should have known she wouldn't do that good because she is the one who wanted me to say I was gay to dodge the draft. When I wouldn't she dumped me which turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me in my life. Nothing happens in a vacuum for sure.

Vacuums however are funny creatures. Without the women I mentioned above, there would have been no way I would have developed the confidence to go public and learn how to communicate with other women. I consider communication the most important hurdle I had to cross when I MtF gender transitioned. I say that because appearance wise I had reached a point where I didn't have much of a problem with the public but building a new life as my feminine self was something totally different. I needed to build a new person from the ground up plus I was in a vacuum on how to do it. 

Slowly but surely and again with the help of friends, I managed to find a place in the girls sandbox and after a few mishaps, survive. I made the mistake of trusting smiling faces who were holding knives behind their backs. I think when I surrounded myself with cis women friends, negative people couldn't get to me. Expanding on the vacuum theme a bit, essentially I expanded my vacuum to survive and thrive as a new person.  

I may be age biased but I believe older transgender women have a more difficult time coming out of their vacuums. Many lose family and friends and find it difficult to restart their lives. Many are content to let their lives play out as I was until Liz came along and changed everything. She found me in an on line dating group. Proving once again how wrong a vacuum can be.

Before a Girls Night Out

 

Min on right during Halloween party

As I reread yesterdays' post about my daughter's birthday, I remembered one person who helped me on my journey as a novice transgender woman so much who I rarely if ever mention. 

Her name is "Min" and she accepted me from the beginning as a friend. In fact, she used to invite me over to her house for coffee once a week if I could make it. 

She included me so completely that there was a group of approximately five other woman (including Liz) I became close with.

One of the events we went to was a small Halloween party in suburban Cincinnati which I still have a picture of. As you can see, I brought out the big hair for the evening. One of the rare chances I had to wear it.

It was quite the experience. Not from a Halloween party so much as other happenings. By this time I was an experienced "pro" at Halloween so I was just trying to present as a cis woman dressed for success. I know you would be thinking business chic if I wanted success, I would have to try to out sparkle a couple other women in the group. I have another picture to share of me and another woman who went who is nearly my size I will share before Halloween.

Perhaps the special moment of kindness Min shared with me occurred when I had to go to the ladies room. The venue where the party was being held wasn't the most upscale one in the world so I was afraid of going by myself. Plus I was still fairly new at being out of my gender closet at the time. My solution was to gather my courage and ask Min to go with me. Thankfully without saying a word she helped me find the correct bathroom and helped me . After all that beer, I was desperate!

Min was also instrumental in many other occasions when I was included for the first time in my life in the company of women only. The whole process meant so much to me and aided my progress as a transgender woman. More on that later.  

Girl's Night Out

My daughter on the right with Liz and I

It's my daughter's birthday today and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" and look back. 

Before I came out as transgender to her, I had hoped she was raised right and would have no problem accepting her new "parent." 

I was correct in all my assumptions and I "passed" my first test on coming out to the family and the public. 

Once she found out, she proceeded to help me out of my male self and make it into the world as a novice transgender woman. 

One of the ventures she quickly planned for me was a trip with her and approximately six other of her woman friends to a local huge drag show. The Rubi Girls in Dayton, Ohio over the years is a drag troupe which has raised over a million dollars for various LGBTQ causes. They put on a tremendous show. But, I had to get there first. Before hand, my daughter warned me about a couple of the others going who may not be so approving of me. So I pretty much tried to stay low key and blend in. 

For the most part I think I managed to hide my fears and only speak when spoken to. It was quite the experience. The show was entertaining and fun. Too this day, I don't know if my daughter received any negative feedback for my presence. Some day I will have to ask her, if she still remembers. 

Another day out with my daughter which I have mentioned many times was the occasion when she took me to my first visit to a woman's upscale hair salon. My hair was rapidly growing and I guess she thought it needed personal professional attention. The first first turned out to be one of those terrifying yet exciting times of my life. As it turned out my stylist was clear in the back of the room so I had to walk past a seemingly endless row of women in various stages of hair repair. Even though I was so scared, I wondered how I had went this long in my life without experiencing such an estrogen dominate experience, I couldn't wait to do it again which I did until the finances got the best of me and I moved away. 

As you can tell, my daughter did buy in one hundred per cent to me living as my authentic self plus she helped to insure I was accepted by her in laws also as well as her three kids. She means the world to me and laid the groundwork for many other "girls nights out" to come. I learned a lot.

Mentors

Myself on left with Nikki and Kim

As I was looking back through a few of my numerous older posts, I found this one which was originally was posted near my birthday in October of last year. The topic was transgender mentors:

" Referring back to a Cyrsti's Condo post concerning several cis women friends I had when I first was learning to play in the women's sandbox, the term "mentors" came up. 

As I thought about it, I became aware mentors could be a very vague term. For example, many could consider a mentor who aides you with your appearance, make up and clothes. 

As you can tell by the photo , my friends did not emphasize much make up at all. I was the only one who did and I did it all myself.

Of course by that time, I had years of practice. 

What my cis friends did teach me was how to value my self as a transgender woman.  Since they both were lesbians, I learned  I did not need a man to validate me as a woman. 

This picture pre dates my relationship with my current partner Liz, so by the time I met her I had a clearer idea of who I was and how I fit in in a feminine world. 

My advice is to be your own mentor. Practice makes perfect as far as your appearance goes. Plus, once you make your way past the appearance phase, the real work begins. Learning to rebuild your personality away from when you tried and failed to live as a guy is a major task. One example is communicating  woman  to woman and dressing to blend. I learned the hard way not totally accept the compliment of looking great. Great for what? A man cross dressed as a woman? 

Granted, finding a mentor of any form is rough. I was just fortunate when I threw caution to the wind and put myself out in the world.  When you find a mentor of any sort, put your old male ego aside and learn all you can."

I met Kim through her daughter who was a bartender at one of the big sports bars I was going to. It was her suggestion her Mom and I got together for a drink. Nikki was much different in that one night in the same sports bar, she came in for a pick up order and ended up sending me a message down the bar. The whole process just proved to me how successful I had a chance ot being in public if I made the effort to put myself out in the feminine public, no matter how scary it was. I do know perhaps especially in todays world caution is to be used when escaping your gender closet. This is one time your presentation needs to be on point to prevent problems. 

Once I had my mentors and became a part of a small group, life as a transgender woman became so much easier and most of all...fun.  

New Seasons

 Even though it is still fairly hot and humid here in Ohio, the calendar has turned over into September. Unless climate change has completely destroyed what to expect, we should have another month of summer like weather to go.

Jessie with Brutus Buckeye

One thing that climate change can't disrupt is the beginning of football season. Football is one of my favorite fall happenings for many reasons.

As a cross dressing man, football was the only sport I was remotely good at. Thus, I have a little inside knowledge of the sport and remember vividly when I was hit so hard by a pulling offensive lineman, I thought right there I was correct about wanting to be a cheerleader instead. Even though I couldn't play at a high level I still maintained a love for the sport. Plus, as I have written before, liking sports hid my greater desire to lead a feminine existence 

As I transitioned into my authentic self as a full time transgender woman, my love of sports became a problem. After all the stereotypical woman didn't spend a lot of time or energy involving herself in the world of sports. I remember stressing on what I was going to do. Give up my love of sports for my love of being a transgender woman. 

With a little help I made the right decision. I was able to look at my wife as an example who was nearly as big a fan as I was and we went to many sporting events together. In fact, I can only think of a few times I went to an Ohio State game without her. Drawing on her as well as a few new female friends I had made as my new self, I was able to continue that part of my life I loved so much without any interruptions I used to plan days off around big games and wear my best makeup along with my favorite team (Ohio State/Cincinnati Bengals) and go to one of the big sports bars I was a regular in to watch the game. Ironically I had to play down my knowledge of the game around certain men I met.

Later the process and friendship evolved to a point when I was invited to a real live NFL/Monday Night football game Thanks to Kim even though she knew I was going to lose. Even though I took the loss in stride, I was the real winner. I went to a stadium full of people as a transgender woman! What a thrill as I look back at it. And, terrifying at the time.

I wrote this post today because tonight is the huge The Ohio State Buckeye versus Notre Dame football game in Columbus, Ohio at the Horseshoe Stadium. It should be a classic. Regardless, fall brings along other notable happenings such as the changing of the leaves, leggings, boots and sweaters and of course Halloween, Which I will have my yearly series of posts explaining all the fun and games.

In the meantime "GO BUCKEYES"