Gender Hack

 

Photo by Nahel Abdul Hadi on Unsplash

Since I have spent the majority of my morning fixing my bank account following a hackers damage, I thought perhaps a post would be relevant. The more I worked on stopping the damage it seemed the more I discovered I had to do.

Not unlike when I made the slow decision I was gender dysphoric. One of the big problems was the word I think had not even been invented or if it was I didn't have access to it during the pre-internet era. I can only remember vividly something was terribly wrong and why was I one of the few boys in the world who wanted to be a girl. I barely knew what a transvestite or cross dresser was. 

One of the problems I had was I  mistakenly thought girls had it so much easier than boys. They were the gender who were allowed to wear the pretty clothes and seemingly didn't have the pressure to compete for things like grades and sports. The entire idea was cruel and unusual punishment as I had to sneak behind my families back to wear my small collection of female clothes. Why couldn't I just be like all the other boys in the neighborhood and forget about the insanity of wanting to be a girl. 

It wasn't to be and my gender was hacked. I was hopelessly locked in to desiring to be the other gender. Why couldn't I be the young girl with all the dark hair I saw on vacation one year or be the girl I always sat across from in study hall or home room. 

Perhaps the worst part of the hack was how difficult it was to negotiate getting rid of it. Sadly, it wasn't until much later in life when I finally learned I couldn't get rid of it. Somehow, someway the hack was installed at birth and I didn't have a choice. In fact, the hack turned out to be just the opposite of what I always grew up thinking it was. All the time I was looking in the mirror dreaming to be feminine, I spent more time in public struggling to be masculine. 

I was fortunate in the fact I found a whole new set of friends who didn't believe I was hacked at all and was just living my gender truth as a transgender woman. I have mentioned several of them in recent posts. Essentially they saw through the gender maze I was attempting to negotiate and helped to bring me out the other side. 

I found out the hard way that women do not have it easier than men and lead very complex and layered lives. So much more than being able to have pretty clothes and spend hours on your makeup. Even though on occasion it is fun to do. 

One thing being transgender teaches you is to roll with the punches. So I'm sure I will continue to exist until the next pain in the rear comes along. After all what can they do? Laugh at me or make fun of me behind my back? Been there, done it. 

Hopefully I won't have to be hacked again to realize how good I really have it.