A Complex Day

 

JJ Hart. (right) Mother's Day 
last night. Liz on left.

Another Mother's Day is here and as always, it presents me with many complex emotions.

First of all, as I was growing up, my mom was many times the dominant parent in the family, I remember vividly watching her apply her makeup, heels and hose. She was from the WWII generation where a woman's appearance was very important. I think she did a wonderful job maintaining a family of males immersed in boyish struggles. Dad was always present, and was often the deciding factor in our family disputes but mom ruled in all the other areas such as day-to-day discipline between my younger brother and I.  

My mom and I were much alike in many ways. I resembled her except I was close to six foot tall, and she was only five foot two, which made it quickly impossible for me to squeeze into her clothes. Over the years, she never let me know that she knew anything about my cross-dressing habits. Looking back now, I do not think I could have hidden all my feminine collection of clothes and makeup so well from her. She was somehow just ignoring me and my gender issues as just a phase. 

My life as a "transvestite" (as it was known back then) stayed hidden as a topic between mom and I until I was back home after being discharged from the Army. The sit-down did not go well and ended with her offering psychiatric care. From there, the subject of me wanting to be a woman was never brought up again during her life. For years, I held her feelings against her but then started to slowly change after I started to mellow within my own transition. I began to realize, mom was just dealing with life under the only circumstances she had ever known, and change was not in the cards.

What I ended up doing, was honoring her when I legally changed my name. I femininized my maternal grandfather's name as my first name and used my mom's first name as my legal middle name. It was my way of honoring her for all of the sacrifices she made for me.

Then, there was the complex problem on what the kids in my life were going to call me on Mother's Day. Initially, my daughter referred to me as her "parental unit", then began to slowly change over the years. Several years ago, I wrote a blog post which mentioned the first Mother's Day when my daughter referred to me as Mom. Even I was embarrassed to refer to myself as a mom, but I was surprised and flattered my daughter did. 

Now, both my daughter and my wife Liz's son both refer to me as mom on Mother's Day. One way or another, the day will forever bring complex emotions to me. I did receive many negative reactions to my Mother's Day posts, so I will temper this one by saying whatever you believe and however you are referred to, have a wonderful day. 

Mother's Day

 It's Mother's Day again. A time to take a moment to stop and remember the person who brought us into the world. 

During our formative years, our Mother's provided us with examples (intended or not) what a woman goes through in life. Some Mother's even were more supportive than others when it came to them sensing or learning of our gender desires to be a girl. 

My Mom never/ever gave any sort of an idea she would be accepting at all of the idea her first born son wanting to become feminine at the least. I was strongly expected to follow in the patriarchal footsteps set up in our WWII era family. The problem was no matter how hard I tried to be a successful male, the more stress it caused me. 

I have written many times on how the first time I tried to come out to my Mom played out. It was after I was discharged from the Army and was enjoying the success of coming out to a close group of friends about being a "transvestite". For some reason I thought she would accept me too. It didn't work that way as she offered to pay for shock therapy to cure the "problem."  From that point forward, we never discussed my gender issues again the rest of her life. 

It took me years to overlook that night and understand our differences. 

These days, I have chosen to accept the positives of our relationship. I inherited her spirit in many ways. She wasn't shy and operated her life using very few filters. From her I learned almost anything was possible which aided me immensely as I embarked on a very difficult journey to complete my gender change. 

The day finally came when I decided to consider  possible names I would use when I went through the process of legally changing my legal gender markers. Initially I  chose my Mom's first name as my middle name as sort of a "got ya" moment. After a while though, as my thoughts about her began to change so did the reflections on using her name. 

So, Mom, I love you very much and thanks for the sacrifices you made to have me. She had gone through three still births before me and was ready to give up and adopt. Her persistence in many ways describes my life and I appreciate all you did. 

Happy Mother's Day

Or should I say, Happy Parent's Day?

For most of transgender people, it is a bittersweet day. A remembrance of un-accepting children. For others it is simply an uneasy adjustment to the new you. And, if you are very fortunate, it is time for you to be remembered as a parent. A role model for children to be themselves...no matter what.

As most of you already know, I list myself as a very fortunate transgender woman. My daughter is very accepting and I have made my peace with my un-accepting Mother.

For the rest of you, I will only say be patient with your loved ones. Hopefully, they will come around eventually.

Every year I hope this post finds more of you in the accepting category. For those of you still in the closet, the problem is trying to figure out ahead of time who will accept you and who won't. Most of the time, it is impossible to predict.

In the meantime, I hope you all enjoy "Parent's Day!"

Happy Mother's Day!

Just a simple post today. I am wishing all of you the best. Hoping you and your Mom have found some common ground...if she is around to still do it!

Other than that, I for one,  don't believe in picking up the "Mom" tag. I have stuck with the "parent" tag between my daughter and I. It has seemed to have worked well.

No matter the labels you attach to the day, I hope you have a good one!

JJ's Sunday Edition

Ker Plunk! Listen up, another J.J's Mother's Day Edition has hit your virtual front porch.

Weather report: Overcast and a bit chilly here in Southwestern Ohio, cup o joe weather to be certain! Grab a cup and lets get started.

Page One: the Week that Was or Wasn't: As the country continues to focus on North Carolina, I was focused on two trips to the VA and a medical procedure my partner Liz went through. All seem to be doing well, thanks!!!! 
Yesterday I already mentioned being seen by a transgender woman doctor which was different, exciting and inspiring. The other visit was pretty normal as I get.

Then, as I alluded to so briefly in the "Visit with the ' Family" post, (The family are LGBTQ community members,) it seemed the whole world had a need to know more about us or was one of us. My best example, as I was spending a whole day in a hospital waiting room, was the receptionist who finally couldn't stand it any more and asked softly was I trans? I said yes and proud of it, why? She said she had a friend who was in the closet and was considering what most of us go through, coming out and possibly wrecking her life or staying in and struggling.

She was a warm and caring person I wish I could have helped more, but told her what I could.

Page Two: Yesterdays Coffee: Opinion: It's Mother's Day, and regardless of all the cheap shots about being called a Mother in your life, our Mom's hold a significant spot in our hearts.
In my case, I took awhile to "forgive and forget" the mean old days when Mom said she would provide me the cash for "electro shock therapy" to rid myself of my gender confusion. Years after she passed though, I remembered it was probably a decade after that when we transgender women and men were removed from the the psychiatry "sick" lists. So she seriously thought she was doing me a favor. At any rate, I got the last laugh when I legally changed my middle name to hers.
So Mom, here's to you. In all the dark and bright days of my past, you were probably the only one who truly cared.

Page Three: Page One cont. Before I forget, Friday after I talked to the woman about her transgender friend, I ran into a young lesbian woman running a fast food restaurant where I stopped to get food I was sorry I paid for later and Liz's all night nurse was a gay man who used phrases like De-Nile" wasn't just a river in Egypt. I know I'm biased, but what a truly colorful world it is if people just look around.


Page Four: The Back Page: Well kids, it is time to frolic in the park before it rains again during our own personal monsoons. Thanks for joining us here at JJ's! Love you all!!!

Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you reading this!

Every year here in Cyrsti's Condo, the day gives me a chance to pause and collect my thoughts about the most important person in my life. She birthed and raised me of course but I was a "third" try following two still born's.

For right or wrong, she was who she was and genetically there is no doubt the apple didn't fall from the tree with me. in resemblance and personality I favored her and my brother my Dad. At the end of the day, she was a fighter more than a lover. In fact I can't remember her telling me she loved me...but I know in her own way she did.

It has taken me years to figure out her electro shock therapy offer to me.  After my stint in the Army I came home for a short while. One night when I came home from drinking with my friends she was waiting up for me. I don't know how the topic came up but quickly I admitted to her I was a transvestite.  She had to have had suspicions as I was growing up. I wasn't that good at hiding my "secret". So she asked point blank and I answered the same way.  Just as quickly point blank she offered electro shock therapy as a solution. I simply said "look, for the first time in my life I was able to tell a close group of friends and for once I'm not ashamed of who I am-I'm sure as hell not going back."

This was 1975 and she passed in the late 1980's at the age of 76 and the subject was never mentioned again. For years I used her words as motivation as how not to act.

I have to be careful because though we are so much alike. My sarcastic sense of everything and the ability to be dumb enough to express all those thoughts too quickly come to mind. As I have found out recently, my breast development under HRT will be attributed to her genetics and my wonderful head of hair I love comes from her genes too.

Here's the part I have taken so long to understand though. Her simple belief in radical therapy to "fix" me was just as simple as my belief there was nothing wrong. Both of us were as determined as the other. So Mom- thanks a lot!

As the years have gone by, her World War Two/Great Depression mentality shaped her personality. She was a no doubter and a educated high school teacher. If you didn't know where you stood, you weren't paying attention.

So Mom, on this Mother's Day let me put into words what you couldn't...I love you. Now I have to go wipe the tears out of my eyes...damn hormones!