Homecoming Dance Fun

School is back in session around here in the Cyrsti's Condo part of the world.  The tradition is to have "Homecoming Dances" in the middle of football season. A chance for the students to get dressed up and party for the evening.  Including these two couples who were both actually cross dressed students in this picture from JJ Levine....

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

A damp "Ker Plunk!" from the Condo as we start our "Labor Day Sunday" with steady rain.  Hope you are all well!

Page.1- "The week which Was-or Wasn't!"  For the present time at least, the discussion of "to be-or not to be- stealth" has died down again.  The consensus was for those of us "of age" which took us back into the 1960's-70's and 80's-there was not really a choice but to go stealth. Plus, for the most part, unless you were motivated to and had the resources to do it, there were few outlets to express your frustration  going from one closet to another.

Page 2.- "Putting a New Car in your Garage!"  Paraphrasing a term I heard Ophra say years ago, when she asked a recent Mtf transgender woman (who had just completed SRS) if she would stay married to her current wife and ever have sex with a man; the trans woman said no sex with a man and Ophra said -why would you buy a new car (vagina) and not test drive it?

All of that led to the "vagina or the woman" discussions again and since the new Obamacare/Medicare standards support SRS surgeries-would I have to buy a new garage for my new car here in the Condo.

Fall Fashion Outfit!

Page 3.- "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"  Labor Day weekend, which traditionally is a long weekend which ends summer around the United States has nearly come and gone.  Even though any idea of traditional weather has come and gone around Ohio, hopefully the wonderful fall season will still "strut her stuff" before we see if we get another shot of the dreaded "Polar Vortex".





In the meantime, the glorious changing of the leaves and fields into yellows, browns and golds usher in fuzzy sweaters, boots and leggings!  As you can tell, I love the season and it's special big finish at Halloween. 

Unnamed Cross Dresser (Bumble Bee)

Halloween has become a special time of year for anyone even closely associated with femininity to have some fun.  From cross dressers to genetic- it has become everyone's chance to explore their creativity and sexiness.  I am sure we will have plenty of opportunity to discuss it all here!

Page 4.- The Back Page!  Well kids, that's it for this week and I hope you lived through yours (or you wouldn't be here?)
As always, thanks so much for being a part of the Condo. Without you, none of this would be worth it and my dog can't read!!

Peace Out!

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

And.....Hereeeeee we go kids-another glorious Cyrsti's Condo Sunday Edition. Ker Plunk!

Page 1.- The week that was-or wasn't.  Outside the friendly confines of the Condo, the world  went on. Most of it out of our control. Fortunately, the din over Kelli Maloney (the boxing promoter in the UK) coming out as transgender is subsiding and the media awaits the next well known person who opens the door and comes out.  We certainly know they are in the shadows-anymore, it's not if it will happen it's when.   We will have to check the Las Vegas betting lines to see if they have odds on when!

Page 2.- Mama June and TV Land Revisited.  In this case we didn't use the old TV initials yesterday to

The "Anti-June Cleaver?"

discuss transvestites, instead remembering June Clever from the "Leave it to Beaver" sitcom.  The post evolved (or unraveled) into a discussion of stealth, SRS and life back in the day.  Michellewhois was kind enough to fill us in on what the era was like for her.  Before we get to her, just to fill you in, "test driving a new car" was a paraphrased remark I heard Ophra  Winfrey make to a transgender wife who was on a show (long ago) with her original genetic wife.  The trans woman had just gone through SRS and said she had no desire to have sex with a man. Ophra looked at her and said why if you bought a new car,(vagina) why wouldn't you test drive it?

 Cyrsti you said in this article how back then ( the 50's and 60's), we should get the "Car" (I love that metaphor), try it out and go stealth. Back then it was very necessary to do just that for the very few that had the operation. Even back then, gays were treated better than those of us that were transitioning. I remember back then some of the names that even the gay guys used to call us and don't even think that lesbians back then gave us any support. If one didn't disappear, only to become someone new, you took your life in your own hands. If you were lucky you found the underground groups that helped support you. Drag queens were your only friends at times. Today it's a very different world. I wish that back then it would have been at least half as good so I could have been a wife and even a mother.

Thanks Michelle!  I was more than happy to pass along that old horse I have been beating for years about how hard it was to even consider coming out, back in the day.

Page 3.- Checking Gender Levels.  It seems no matter how far I try to run from labels, I get stuck all up in them.  The latest label-rama ruckus here in the Condo involved the relatively new label "gender fluid". I said I think it is a very workable label and semantically very close to transgender.  I translate transgender literally-between genders.  Pat added:The assortment of labels that get attached to us is mind blowing. I would agree that gender fluid can work with your concept of equilibrium.  I agree and like the term.  I think it comes from the younger peeps among us who are trying to find their gender way and is yet another label I would have loved to have embraced in my youth-as I searched.

Page 4.- The Back Page  Semper Fi!   If you haven't had the chance to check out the nothing short of amazing Mtf transformation video here in the Condo yesterday (of the former Marine) be sure to do so! She does an amazing job of describing the trip many of us took to get to where we are and the euphoria we feel.  As I said, I didn't believe the video was real at all until I read the background bio in the latest issue of Frock Magazine.  And YES!  my latest "Frock of Ages" article is on page 50!  

And with that, we are out of here.  The hot humid weather has returned here in Ohio as September approaches and my old dog and I have errands to "walk"  I love you all! Have a good week! 

Purging

Over the years and way before Cyrsti's Condo was a glitter in anybody's eye,  (or a speck of dust) I was always amazed by the amount of "joiners' and "purgers" in the cross dressing community.  Of course I shouldn't have been because I "almost" purged a couple of times and made a public spectacle (to my wife) by tossing "key items" out and stashing others.

Most cross dressers I knew for a short time were just "passing through" and some weren't but for the most part I never have met or known anyone who simply purged and never had any contact with cross dressing again.  My best example was a friend who I met first as a CD in the 1980's who purged and pledged to never revisit dressing as a woman again.  To my knowledge he didn't-but did have a lengthy on line relationship with a man who was totally convinced he was a genetic woman.  Somehow, I don't think that was "purging."

The person I always wondered about though,  was a cross dresser who attended the CD mixers in Cleveland in the 80's.  She was attractive, accomplished and an "A" lister- capable of letting you know you really didn't belong in her circles.  She had nailed the "high school social bitch" -completely.  Suddenly, one night she amazed all of us by announcing she had found the love of her life and would forever forsaking her "womanhood."  Notice, I put womanhood in parenthesis, As my wife so profoundly put it, (she despised him) and no matter how this cross dresser looked, he had no idea of what it was to be a woman.

All these years later, I wonder if she did toss that high priced wardrobe and heels in the trash and never walked again on the feminine side..  Odds are, no he didn't and since the new miracle worker girlfriend wasn't with him that night, did she ever know.

Those are just two examples of individuals who went everywhere from back in the closet to the bright lights of society and then into stealth I knew in the past.

At this time of my life, my fear of purging is completely tied into my meds. What would happen if health considerations forced me to stop my HRT therapy?  More on that in a later post.

"Culture Clash"

"You are dressed."  These are the three simple words uttered by a gay boy in a bar Liz and I were in Saturday night.  "You are dressed."

What a simple passive aggressive ignorant gay cis male statement!  Liz and I actually hadn't seen each other in person for a space in time because of any number of logistical problems.  We just wanted to be left alone in one of few venues I will even considering going to in my home town.

We ordered a pizza and were doing just that until he comes, resplendent in his tight white T-shirt and bright yellow short shorts-literally "flitting" around the room.  The first time he said it, I just glared and said, "So are you."  The second time he said it, I must have made my point and looked so hostile - he floated away in his yellow shorts. Briefly, I regressed into his stupid world and thought, "You need smacked for talking smack, you little bitch."  But you can't cure gay as much as you can't cure stupid.

So-  I found this on Pinterest which describes my feelings exactly!  I need to constantly remind myself that ignorance is not confined to any one segment of humans.  Regardless of race, gender and sexuality.  No one has a corner on it.

Gay, lesbian, cross dresser, transgender, transsexual or straight- no one.

Cyrsti's Condo Photo "Faves"

Just a few fave "pix" I picked out for the Condo, if they are of you let me know!!!

Some cross dressers just have the body style and the innate talent to "light up the lens!"  I could be wrong but either of these two could be the guy working down the hall from you!

The "Allure" of a Boy in a Dress

In this sense, the "boy" doesn't have to be chronologically young, some males just never make it to "manhood".  It's just another of my pet peeves when someone on television says a transgender woman was born a man.  She was born male physically.

It's also no secret an easy way to make money for an organization is to find several "willing" participants who will dress as women.  Whatever the individual's motivation, some boys just make great looking girls or women.  Just look around at your local drag shows at the gay venues.

The blond is thinking - Really! Isn't that dress a bit too much!!! Bitch!!

Of course drag queens are one thing, but the allure of you and your male buddies just sitting around drinking beer and being asked to don women's clothes and makeup is a real fantasy.  Sort of like another chance at Halloween.  As attractive as some of the womanless pageant contestants were (or are), I am sure for most it's a "one and out" experience.  But for others, you just have to believe it isn't-and that too is part of the fantasy.

One thing is for sure, if you are attractive at all and there is a picture posted of you on line, it very well could be there for eternity. Cyrsti's Condo is an example. And, of course I have to make an off the comment being the cynical bitch I love to be!

I just found a couple other sites on Pinterest which have womanless pageant "boards" and of course there is the amazing center of womanless pageant pictures on Stana's Femulate site.

Damn Jim, the queen just invited us to amateur night at his gay club. Don't tell the girlfriends! 

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

"Ker Plunk!" Look out! Here comes another Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Page1.-  Equal Rights for All?  Well, not quite, but it looks as if "Prez Obama"is  set to sign a LGBT nondiscrimination executive order on Monday.  What it means is federal contractors will be prohibited 
against workplace discrimination as well as prohibiting discrimination against transgender federal employees.  Obama will amend Executive Order 11246, which prohibits federal contractors from discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex and national origin and was first issued by President Lyndon Johnson in 1965, to include sexual orientation and gender identity.

He will also amend Executive Order 11478, which prohibits discrimination against federal employees on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability and age and was originally issued by President Richard Nixon in 1969, to also include gender identity. That executive order was previously amended by President Bill Clinton in 1998 to include sexual orientation. Although the Obama administration has previously interpreted existing law to cover transgender federal employees, the order will ensure federal employees will now be formally and explicitly protected from discrimination on the basis of gender identity.

Obama’s executive actions will impact 24,000 companies that employ 28 million workers — a fifth of the nation’s workforce- immediately!

**Editor's note:  I wonder now if Mr. local candidate who has so publically made  homophobic remarks and  whose business thrives on government contracts, will say OK, to hell with the money?  I will continue to discriminate?

Page 2.- Caution! Trans-Dar in Use!  It was a big week here in the Condo talking about Trans Dar for some reason.  I have always liked the game, going back to when my wife was around and yes, it was almost sport.  Ironically, what was probably going on was, we were missing more transgender women or cross dressers in the world than we were supposedly "spotting."  The true shame was, there were a few here and there I would have loved to talk to.   I either wouldn't or couldn't.  Unless the two of us were at some sort of social mixer, speaking to another "sister of the cloth" was frowned upon,-unless my wife initiated the conversation.  Why you ask?  I believe now, she had some sort of paranoia about me going "too far" up the cross dressing road.  Her feminine warning bells were going off and they were totally true.  These days, though, the problem is knowing exactly what level of gender expression you may be looking at.  My wife was a rare mix of arch conservative and inner liberal and it would be interesting to see eight years later how she would have felt.  Back in those days, she actually worked with a fairly big group of gay men (which included a couple of beautiful performing drag queens.)  They always discussed their "Gay-dar" but I think Trans Dar was pretty much unknown.  Plus, these days, HRT can throw many individuals into more of an androgynous look which is a whole other story all together!

Page 3.- Coming Out Again and Marking my Gender Spot.  Per norm with me, the few times I have come out to the few peeps I felt the need to, one of two things happened.  Either they shut up about it, or have many questions.  As you have read, I am going through the "many question" phase with a friend now.  It has occurred to me, I  haven't come out to a male friend since my days in the Army in the 1970's.  I told two I was a transvestite.  I'm not making a value judgement on coming out to guys. I'm only saying I had very few "guy friends" who I truly considered friends in my life and they are all dead. So, I never had to face the situation anyway.   Just guessing it's easier for me to attempt to explain to a genetic woman why I want to play in the girl's sandbox than to tell a guy why I'm "switching teams."

Finally last week, I hitched up my big girl panties and called into the Ohio BMV to request a "Declaration of Gender" Form.  I'm sure I will be writing quite a bit about the process of changing gender markers as it unfolds in my life.

Page 4.- The Back Page.  I'm wrapping up this week with a comment from Pat:

You should feel good whenever you are complimented on your looks, thoughts, words or deeds. The bottom line is that the myriad of triggers that excite men is mind boggling. Your trans status and presentation will be a trigger for some men. I suppose it goes with the turf.

As long as I can keep most of the "weeds" out of the turf Pat, all will be good!!!  

All of you have a great week!!!

Cyrsti's Condo "Mail Bag"

One of the new bags given to me recently!

Plenty of comments to get to today in "the Condo" which is great!!!

Let's go "across the pond" first, to Paula in the UK...She commented on our "End of Cross Dressing" post:

Basically the post commented on the blurred lines between "hetero sexual" cross dressers and "straight men".

 I now identify primarily as a hetro trans woman, but working out what that means is complicated. Testosterone still flows and the bloke will still "look" at the the girls, but the woman checks out the guys, of course we get confused. I say I am hetro because I have no wish to make love with woman as a woman, or a man as a man. Sometimes I question myself as to whether it is my sexuality that drives my trans,or the other way round, other times I just have a glass of wine.


Thanks Paula!  A great answer to a complex personal issue!  Seemingly we face too many "chicken or the egg" discussions as cross dressers, transgender women and men on our journey of self discovery!

Paula also commented in the same vein on the "Trans Dar versus Trans Nazi" post:

It slowly dawned on me that to most Gay people I am asexual, the girls know I am a bloke so are simply not interested, and the blokes now that I am a girl and so they aren't interested either, interestingly this makes an excellent basis for really good friendships.

Surely Paula, we do make interesting friends because of how we see the world and the shift of sexual tension in the human critter.  My "take" on it is- the more feminized I become, gay guys have less interest in me than they never had anyway.  AS, they are so fond of saying anyway, "If they wanted a woman, they would have had one by now."  The women know I'm not genetic but I live in their world and they are for the most part intrigued.  The more the HRT changes me though, the less that is true to the casual observer. 

As far as lesbians go, I found that after I got used to how "gruff" many were, I thrived with some, strongly identify with and thoroughly enjoy their unique culture.

The "blokes" of course are the challenge.  To many, I'm simply invisible, to others I carry some sort of plaque they may catch and die.  The very few who take the time to know me do respond to my take on the world. It's no secret, I do like an intelligent, traveled, mildly opinionated man and I respond intellectually  to them. Sadly as I am arriving at a point, that at the least I can interact with a man as a trans woman, I have not yet been able to do much.  But I understand why.

It's a crazy world we live in, but not necessarily a bad one unless we make it that way! One of the biggest mistakes I made was "back in the day" when I began to come out was hiding in my shell-once I hit the world.

"Trans-Dar" versus "Trans-Nazi?"

Sounds like one of the old "Godzilla" flicks brought back in 3-D right?

My Cyrsti's Condo post "Why Straight Men Love Transgender Women" did bring response through my Google+ account, e-mail and here of course. I didn't get the response I didn't feel like I deserved though from my comment on "Suzi's" picture.  Pat commented:

The points you raise and those from Ms Suzi have merit. As a rule any person who spends time on their hygeine, attire, presentation etc will come across as more appealling than someone who does not. With respect to many CDs they devote a lot of time and effort into being as feminine as possible in their style, demeanor, deportment and presentation. It should surprise not one that men will respond favorably to overtly feminine presentations.

My point is (looking back), I probably sounded like some sort "I'm more trans than you" trans nazi with my comment-which would make me one of the most hypocritical peeps I know.  On the other hand, I write what I feel and if a person's picture looks like it was taken in a gay venue, enjoying a drag show with the queens-that's fine. Plus yes, you can find the occasional male "admirer" in a few gay venues. For the longest time though I was too dense to realize cis gay men really don't want much to do with most of us. I did see the queens getting attention and tried it myself with my big wigs, high heels, heavy makeup and short skirts. Used to call it "running with the queens" although I couldn't go very fast in my heels!  On more than a couple evenings I had a great time and have even considered doing drag again.

So, I apologize for even intimating I was any better than anyone else in our culture...cross dresser or what ever.  I'm not.  

More response coming up!

Walking Tall -Two

Thanks to all of you for the comments concerning the "personal security" post I wrote a couple days ago which happened to involve -more precisely a transgender woman's murder (suspect arrested) and my partner Liz and I's night at the Northern Kentucky Pride event pub crawl.

As far as Cincinnati goes, the downtown area along the Ohio River is positively booming and will soon be home to a huge GE (General Electric) headquarters but as with any other place, there are places you don't want to be as a guy and especially as a woman and even more so as a transgender woman.

I'm fortunate for all the wrong reasons when my personal security is involved.  To quote a term from the trans woman (left) in the movie "Better than Chocolate", she is not just a big woman-she is enormous. 

This body I received through no choice of my own has kept me healthy over 65 years, big enough to not be bullied, etc...but...of course it does not MtF easily. Like so many others, I wasn't lucky enough to be born into a time and a family where I could have considered a choice of not having my body do what it was born to do...masculinize.


So now, this curious gender critter I have become has a chance of keeping unwanted advances away. The usual good news/bad news story.

None of it mattered though if and when I found myself  in potentially violent situations.  You all know the drill.  Know your surroundings and if you can carry some sort of deterrent such as pepper spray.  I have read comments here and there cross dressers and or transgender women saying they are "packing heat" (a gun) and are ready to fire away.  To be certain, if I did that, I would be in danger of shooting myself first and yes I did go through Army infantry training.

The most important lesson I pass along every now and then here in Cyrsti's Condo is how fast you can find yourself in a bad situation.  Years ago, I was cornered by a much bigger guy than I and would have been put in a possible very bad situation if I wasn't "recused". 

Before that experience, I had a very smug idea about women being sexually assaulted.  I always wondered why some of them didn't see it coming.  Two out of three of the potentially bad spots I found myself in, I didn't see it coming,  and one in fact, was in a friend's decidedly upscale home.

In the past, I have had as many comments around here concerning personal security as I have had about rest room issues.  All you have to do is look at the stats to see how big of a problem violence is to the TG/CD community and the problem is even worse if you are a transperson of color.

All of us just have to be extra careful out there!

Mo Hooters?

I did search all over the place for extra cross dresser "Hooter" girls the other day and of course I'm finding them now when I'm not looking.

If you don't know, the "Hooter's" chain is renown for it's server "uniform's" and even over the years have been challenged by men to work there- I think as guys. You can bet though, as in any occupation which demands attractive women for it's work force, there have to be more than a few embedded stealth transgender women. For years, the most beautiful blond stripper in Dayton, Ohio was heavily rumored to have been trans.  By those who would know.

Going to a Halloween party as a "Hooter Girl" would be as similar to going as a cheerleader as you can get...only more fun. You don't have to worry about heels wrecking your feet all night long and shake your booty in your tennis shoes!  (No I haven't done it, all though years ago I did quickly shop for a top in one of their units and couldn't find a size.)

I haven't been to one of their "testosterone" injected environments for years but "back in the day" you could buy much of their uniform sets in the stores...or on line.

Don't know if you still can...but "Stephanie" (above) probably does!

Pride?

This weekend, three of my friends and I are attending the TGLBQ Pride march and party in Columbus, Ohio.

As I continue to mention, Columbus is a very diverse city and the event promises to be well attended.  True to form, for the past month or more I have spent a considerable amount of "noggin" time, trying to come up with where I wanted to fit it.

It's not easy.

The gay and lesbian communities have much to be proud of.  Both were instrumental in breaking down discrimination barriers  and more they faced.  Plus the drag queens can look back with pride at their huge role in the Stonewall riots in 1969. All of the history is great but the fact remains- we transgender woman and men are not understood and left out.

Are the "Bi's" left out too? Then again, who exactly are the "Bi's"? The only potential peeps in this category I have ever met are the fetish cross dressers who will only have sex with another man if he is dressed as a she? And, if I still considered myself a cross dresser-fetish or not, would I feel any sort of pride if I went to Pride?  I'm pretty sure I would from the simple fact for a whole day I could express my gender as I saw fit. Plus, as a matter of fact, Pride events are much more cost effective for those who can not afford an event such as "Provincetown".(Fantasia Fair-below)


And, how about those lesbians?  The three friends I'm going with are all lesbians and two are pretty much clueless when I complain of transgender discrimination.  I just know I feel comfortable with them and the lesbian venues we will be going too.  I have always found their company to be the most natural for me to fit into to.  If I had to guess though, I'm thinking the three are going to party first and then be proud!

Where does all of that leave me as a transgender woman in the crowd?  I feel guilty.  I want the world to know I am trans and proud-as I am but, if I can blend in with the lesbians and party-I want to be there too. The fun part about the day is I will be able to dress down appropriately for a hot, humid Ohio summer day and enjoy being transgender.

For one of the first times in my life, I don't have to fit into yet another set of molds...this time from the gay/lesbian community.

Cyrsti's Condo "What If?"

Dammit Honey!!! You said I could wear your new skirt tonight!!!!

Cyrsti's Condo "What If?"

Well honey, I kind of was going out with the boys tonight and I  kind of was going fishing!"

Burger Heaven

This post is fun for a couple of different reasons-food and public reactions.

Following the main day Saturday of workshops at the Trans Ohio Symposium, it was time for Liz and I to head on back to our hotel room, take a break and head out for a night on the town in Columbus.

The picture on the left is taken at The Ohio State Student Union with the Buckeye Mascot, Brutus Buckeye.  Of interest to me is how I could tell the effect of HRT is affecting my legs-adding a rounded feminine outer layer of fatty tissue under the skin-  extending up through my hips and rear.

To make sure I didn't slide backwards, I made plans to take Liz to one of the best "burger joints" in the country that night- Thurman's in Columbus, Ohio. Thurman's has been in business since 1942 and does have tremendous hamburgers!  The only problem I ran into was I had to eat them far more femininely (with a fork) than I ever did before.

The really cool part of the visit was how I was received. Past history has told me I should be prepared for any reception from a very chilly one, to at the least a nice one from the staff and the usual rude stares from other customers.  As I have said, Columbus is a very diverse city and Thurman's sits very close to German Village which is known to have a strong gay influence- but- as we know, "gay ain't trans." .  Not only were we made to feel welcome, I felt embraced. It was like Wow! they were honored there was a real live transgender woman there. Really?  The experience was positively wonderful! Also, being in Columbus as compared to Cincinnati, fewer other guests suffered neck injuries straining to look at me. (Sorry "Nati" I love ya' but it's true.)

Finally, as several of you party peeps know here in Cyrsti's Condo, certain foods (such as a great big burger) will set you up for success during an evening of drinking.  Our next stop was to do just that at a place called Club Diversity which I have mentioned here before. The name says it all.  "Diversity" is actually in an old Victorian mansion just south of downtown and is actually part owned by a transgender woman.  If I had to guess, the majority of the clientele is of the gay male type but you can expect a nice mellow mixture of others.  Except when a group of cross dressers who meet there monthly got kicked out for awhile. (Imagine that!)

Fortunately, I live very close to Columbus and have plans to attend TGLBQ Pride with Liz in a couple of months! So a trip back is coming up soon.

Dealing from the Middle of the Gender Deck

Following yet another tragic burst of violence which killed many in California this time, I read with interest more than a few views of how genetic women felt about the attack.  If you hadn't heard, female rejection was stated as one of the main causes of the random violence.  Many times, when I'm looking for a genetic feminine written reaction to a tragedy such as this, theFrisky site usually never lets me down.  This time the site ran a post called "Not All Men Are Dangerous, But Yes, Women Do Live In Fear Of Elliot Rodger's Fury."

We have discussed here in Cyrsti's Condo, the serious need to be increasingly aware of how our world as we transition. How we need to learn how to be extra safe in it as MtF transgender women or cross dressers. This last incident though is extra scary to me partly from all my life experiences dealing from the middle of the gender deck.

As a guy, I knew a few other guys who were flat out scary in any number of ways.  I had a dishwasher in one of the big restaurant kitchens I ran who I told regularly "when he blew up and headed to his car for a gun to shoot the rest of the cooks who harassed him-give me five extra steps to get out the back door."  It got to the point of when I told him something to do, I asked. It's only now I'm beginning to learn what women feel like on a much broader spectrum.

Toss in the fact, that anyone and everyone seems to be able to come up with a semi automatic weapon in this country and the world becomes even more scarier.

I remember vividly the days when I was searching the dating sites for even just a friend. What I found from the male side of aisle were mostly who thought somehow I was desperate for their company, or the ones who only wanted to meet me in an out of the way motel where their wife wouldn't find out.  I did set up very public dates with a few-ended up being stood up more times than not and pretty much just gave it up.  I can't say some of those guys I didn't meet weren't like the ticking time bomb Elliot Rodger was.

Obviously, I was never the guy Rodgers' was and luckily only knew a select few that were.  I can understand the headline though and resent it because of what it says about men.  On the other hand, more and more now, I can see why women are thinking it.

Class Less Reunions?

As graduation time quickly approaches in my part of the world, I began to think about my days in high school one hundred years ago and a post I read somewhere from a U.K. cross dresser.  He went to an all male school "back in the day" and like most of us, stayed deeply in the closet.  He wondered though, how many other cross dressers statistically could there have been in the school too.  Even to the point of coming up with some sort of graph-where he lost me.

I don't believe he is alone in wondering how many of our friends and class mates were in their cross dressing closets too. While it is almost a romantic thought to think any guys who happened to transform into attractive girls for Halloween or school drag shows were actually cross dressers- I know I was the exception to that rule. I didn't want anyone to know of my cross dressing urges.

So many years later, in a couple years, I will be facing my 50 year class reunion.  Of course I have wondered if my decision to ever go to a reunion will change by then and I'm thinking not.  My decision has less to do with buying a "not" so little black dress and rocking the event in my heels but more in the stubborn reality I had very little to do with any of my classmates then - and now.  It's so bad that on my 40th class reunion, the committee in charge of finding the whereabouts of everyone couldn't even locate me in my home town,  where I was a very visible person.  So I sent the form letter asking where I was back in, saying I died in a car wreck in 1969. (Which I almost did.)

I can hear the group behind my back jabbering, "Look Martha, she used to be a he in our class but who was he?"

A Blast from the Past

As I was "cramming" to get another chapter of my "Stiletto's on Thin Ice" book completed today, I was working on a section with a very unremarkable name- "Transition."  I have always wondered how each of us seemed to have our own personal "switch" as we decided to go down this road.  Some stayed as cross dressers and others went the route to SRS.  Why?

I'm certainly not smart enough to figure it out but do have assumptions like everyone else.  Today, as I was remembering back to the early Tri-Ess meetings I went to in the late 1970's, what I observed and how I thought I fit with the others around me.  Ironically, it's still tough to figure it out. Finally, I came to the conclusion that somewhere along the line back then, I walked two separate paths.  One path was living in the mirror as a girl and the other was more of a complex look into how a genetic woman lived.  I remembered too, the cross dressers in the room who I called the "A Listers". The small group just knew they were the most attractive critters in the room and they were.  Something was strangely missing though from how they acted. Sort of like you left the pepper out of your favorite recipe.  They just weren't real.  

Also,  there were always a couple of women attending who for all the world looked like one of the genetic spouses who came along but they weren't. Transgender or transsexual terms were just beginning to slip in to our vocabulary and it took me decades to get it through my thick noggin' - that was them.   The "A listers" on the other hand, went over the top to look the part but just quite couldn't tap into their feminine side-because there wasn't any.  I knew one in particular who (as she called it) went down the slippery slope of beginning electrolysis, hormones and then even SRS.  She turned out to be beautiful- but miserable.

So, I don't know, maybe for what ever reason, she never progressed past the mirror side of being feminine into the real world?  I think I did for a couple of reasons.  The most important one was my wife kept chiding me for knowing nothing about being a woman.  Never one to back away from a challenge, I began to do it which leads me to my second point.  When I did check out the "other side" I liked it a lot and it felt real.  

My problem was I could see both paths from the one I was on which led to the tremendous gender turmoil I experienced.  Being more stubborn than smart led me to do the natural male thing-internalize and fight.  I never do much crying over the past but the historian in me tells me there were certain points I really could have learned from.  Talking with the "real girl's" at the Tri Ess Meetings would have been soooo much more beneficial than wishing I could be an "A-lister."

In a companion post, we will discuss what determines how badly you want to flip the gender switch.

Mama Mia!!!

A cross dresser video from Italy on the Cyrsti's Condo big screen: