Showing posts with label cross dresser. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cross dresser. Show all posts

Thursday, October 3, 2024

The Sixty Four Crayon Box

Image from Leisy Vidal on UnSplash

I view gender in light of all the recent attacks  on the transgender community from a certain political party here in Ohio not called the Democrats, as a big box of crayons. The whole shameful process just shows how little the Republicans care to know about the trans community,

Rather, if they like it or not, almost all humans fall on some sort of a gender spectrum. It seems, men have fewer crayons to pick from because of their innate insecurities concerning their own gender and or sexuality. Which is a whole separate subject.

I know when I began to color in my own life, I needed the big box of crayons because I did not fit the male mold I was in. Whatever the world thought of me, I needed more out of my life than a restricted male existence. Instead of viewing myself as the round peg being forced into the square hole, I started to see myself as a multi-colored individual with many new gender frontiers to explore. My journey was destined to take me far past the rather quick romance with all the pretty fashion, all the way into a in-depth dive into what a life as a transgender woman would be all about. As I was busy coloring my future, I found I needed different colors to enable me to express myself more completely.

Examples were plentiful. Such as when I looked the part of a woman, how was I ever going to communicate as one. I was so busy coloring, I needed a whole new box of crayons to keep up with my life I was attempting to balance between two genders. To further stereotype the whole process, I quit using all the drab and darker colors and began to use the lighter more vibrant ones as I lived more and more in a femininized world.

The more I went to diverse transgender mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio, the more I learned about others who were coloring in their gender lives too. I was able observe everyone from those who had almost completed their new lives, all the way to those who were working with broken crayons and severely struggling. All of it was an extreme eye opener for me because I was so naïve when it came to the transgender or LGBTQ world as a whole. Normally what happened was, I took everything in and ended up going back home and thinking about it. A solitary pursuit since I did not have anyone to talk to about it except for the occasional therapist. 

Therapy produced mixed results when several I went to did not want to discuss or see my colored design of who I truly was. It wasn't until I sought out one of the rare gender therapists back then who told me the truth. Basically, she said my picture was beautiful and there was nothing I could do about wanting to proceed on my path to transgender womanhood. I wish I would have listened and started to change my life back then but I was stubborn and hung on to my part-time male existence which at the least, paid the bills. 

As transgender women and men, we really need the extra courage to keep coloring our pictures. For example, in my case, if my health holds up, I will be on gender affirming hormones the rest of my life. Hopefully, I will need another sixty four box of crayons as my life expands as a transgender woman.

 

Wednesday, October 2, 2024

The Rock and the Hard Place

 

Image from
the JJ Hart
Archives

Recently, I received a comment from a reader who said in essence, I was too hard on my second wife when I mentioned her.

After thinking the comment over, I can see why it was made. First, some quick history. My second wife and I were married for nearly twenty five years until her sudden and untimely death at the age of fifty. She knew I was a transvestite or cross dresser when we were married and accepted it up to a point. The demarcation line was always HRT or me pursuing  a life as a transgender woman. For years it was fine with me as she approved me going to a motel to cross dress and go out into the world. We had an uneasy gender truce and I ended up abusing it.

The problem was, I always blamed myself for our gender problems because naturally, they all originated with me. Primarily when I began to break the promise I made to never leave the house dressed as my feminine self. Of course, I eventually was caught and all hell broke lose. She was a strong woman and knew how to emotionally battle me. She was the rock keeping me from my increasingly obtainable goal of trans-womanhood and I was in the hard place of knowing deep down it was where my life was headed.

Along the way, my second wife imparted good information about being a woman but withheld other very important facts. She would just tell me I made a terrible woman and then adding in she was not implying anything about my appearance. Leaving me to wonder for years what she meant. Mainly I found my old male ego was still in the way of my gender progress to the future. It wasn't until she had passed on and I took the opportunity to really explore the world as a transgender woman, did I understand what she meant. I finally had to walk the walk and talk the talk to move my hard place along. Femininization was difficult yet exciting for me on many occasions.

My second wife also tried to tell me to follow my dreams and give up our relationship but I still tried to have it both ways which just made things worse. She knew me better than I knew myself. 

So, as you can tell, I owe her quite a bit and wonder if we could have at least arrive to a point where we could have been woman friends. I obviously don't say it enough if I am receiving comments to the contrary. I also don't praise the cis-women who stay in marriages with their transgender spouses. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have an incredibly difficult time accepting a trans spouse. As my wife said, living with another woman  was something she never signed up for. 

The rock and the hard place cost me dearly over the years. The pressure of attempting to maintain a relationship and a male life with the increasing knowledge it was all a lie built up an enormous amount of pressure and all but ruined my fragile mental health. I resorted to trying to drink away my problems to no avail and just became more depressed. I was not freed until I basically had nothing else to lose after her death. Once I was freed, I could look back on our relationship for what it was and all the good times we had and how I basically hurt it all.

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

The Fear Factor

 

Will Farrell and Harper Steele

I suppose my life is not much different than many others, transgender or not. Along the way, we need to deal with certain fears to succeed.

Early on in life as a novice or beginning cross dresser, I needed to deal with the basic fear of being discovered which had the chance to destroy my life as I knew it. Then, as I grew enamored with the view of myself in the mirror as a girl, I always feared for the next time I could do it. 

Now, as the calendar switches over to October, many memories of Halloween fear invade my thoughts. I don't mean spooky movies or haunted houses, I mean finally having the chance of exploring the world as my girl self at parties. When I did find and hitch up my big girl panties and dressed to the nines as a woman in front of friends, I was very afraid I would lose my man card along with the male privileges I enjoyed. 

Along the way, I enjoyed a few exciting Halloween parties when it took several days for the people around me to quit joking with me about my "costume'." All in all, I think shaving my legs for the parties separated me out as being more than a fun casual cross dresser who was doing my outfit as some sort of a joke.  At least I received compliments about how good my legs did look, which made the comments so worthwhile. My overall remembrances of how Halloween kicked started my entry into the world will be examined in depth here as we come closer to the Halloween date itself.

The more I followed my instincts into the world as a transgender woman, the more fear I felt on many occasions. I had so much on the line such as losing my family, friends and employment to name a few. It would be easier to say, I was risking everything and I was scared. The way I dealt with it was, I tried to take the transition process one step at a time, keeping one foot in one gender world and one in another so if I ever could go back to one or the other I could. 

The more I tried my grand gender plan, the more flawed I found it to be. The problem was all the benefits of the plan began to lean towards the feminine side of my life. I was excited yet felt so natural when I was out in the world as a transgender woman, no matter how scared I still felt on occasion. Normally what was happening was, I found a kind giving person who was able to calm my fears. I was so fortunate as I always say.

These days my fears come from all the blatant political lies I see from the political party of hate against transgender women (mainly). Here in Ohio we have a Democratic senator who is running for reelection. The lies against him are ridiculous and instead of examining the true issues, all the ad says is Sherrod Brown is for false transgender issues. The only light I see is the feedback from the Will Ferrell documentary "Will and Harper." It is on Netflix. 

Another small positive I see is when other transgender women and men are able to be in the public's eye, we immediately battle all of the false rhetoric about us. We are just normal people trying to live our lives like everyone else. The fear factor can decrease in intensity the more you are able to live your life. In many ways, I am still the same young girl admiring myself in the families hallway mirror but in so many other ways, as I was propelled forward by my fears, I have learned so much good about life. 

Monday, September 30, 2024

Helene

 

Al Roker - NBC News.

We were lucky here in Southwestern Ohio and we only caught the tail end of giant hurricane Helene. Our dose of the weather was enough to see how bad it was. 

Even so, our lights flickered several times and our internet was out for nearly three days, which explains me missing a post for Sunday. Since I wrote and scheduled a post already for Saturday. 

Just seeing the results we went through with Helene causes me to send my thoughts and hopes for all of you who were more in the direct path of the hurricane. 

As the death toll rises, I hope you all are safe.

On a another side note, singer/songwriter Kris Kristofferson has passed away. I was a big fan of his music which I listened to repeatedly during my alcoholic depression days  when my gender issues were chasing me. I specifically remember "Sunday Morning Coming Down " as one of my favorites since I had spent so many Sunday mornings attempting to recover from drinking too much the night before. The whole process just served to depress me more until I finally came to grips with actually being transgender. 

Even though Kristofferson lived to be eighty eight, his passing still makes me feel my age of seventy four and I will forever remember his gravely voice and dynamiter lyrics which meant so much to me.

Here is a verse from the song:

On the Sunday morning sidewalks

Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
Cause there's something in a Sund
ay
That makes a body feel alone
And there's nothin' short of dyin'
Half as lonesome as the sound
On the sleepin' city sidewalks
Sunday mornin' comin' down

You may also remember Johnny Cash's powerful rendition of the song.  

Saturday, September 28, 2024

Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Shania Twain

 Maybe you saw country star "Shania Twain" as she hosted the 2024 People's Choice Country Awards. 

If you did, you probably remember when she sang the iconic song "Man I feel Like a Woman.". The song meant quite a bit to me for a number of reasons. The main one of course was I did feel like a woman, not to mention I would have given anything to have her appearance. 

The song was popular during the time I started to find and patronize two small lesbian bars near where I lived. One was a very rigid lesbian biker bar and the other was a much more mellow atmosphere where I happened to know one of the bartenders as my male self. Even though I was begrudgingly served in the biker bar, I always sought to poke the bear. I discovered the easiest way to do it was to play Twain's song on the juke box. For some reason, the owner and other patrons resented me even playing it. I found it to be great fun until I came in one night and the music machine was completely turned off. From that point forward, I took the pressure off  and just started to go to the other small lesbian bar where I was welcome.

In the other bar, I was able to learn many of the nuances of the lesbian community and figure out where I fit in, if at all. In my jeans, boots and makeup I discovered I was closer to being a femme or lipstick lesbian and found I drew the attention of the very serious bull or butch lesbians. I even was heavily induced into singing karaoke by a huge woman in a cowboy hat. Since I am a terrible singer, I tried to let her take the lead and I quickly left the bar shortly after singing. The only thing I heard her say was my voice was lower than hers. I never saw her again.

On the other hand, a super butch who was on his way to becoming a full fledged transgender man just happened to be my first dinner date with a guy. He later told me how scared I was,  he was right. 

Through it all, I still did feel like a woman and did appreciate the acceptance I gained from the lesbian community. I never had to try to adjust my sexuality and was validated as my new emerging self without needing a man and all the potential problems which came with it. On the other hand, there were a few men I did feel a connection with just enough to wonder how the other half lived. At the least I knew I would not have to operate on the gender fringes forever if I had to. 

Needless to say, I will never achieve the appearance standards of a Shania Twain but most other women (trans or not) will not either. Plus my womanhood was achieved in a different way than most cis-women. None of it was my fault and I did the best I could with what I had to work with. And, in the end result, I do feel like a woman.  

  

Thursday, September 26, 2024

A Genderless Journey

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Archives

Recently I needed to take our car to the oil change place to get the transmission fluid replaced. 

In the past I have written concerning my paranoia of going to male dominated places. Since normally I am the only feminine person at the oil change place, the usual paranoia set in. The last time I was there, I was called "Ma'am" several times and had no gender problems so I did not really expect anything else this time. 

To prepare, I shaved closely, put on my foundation and contour blush with lipstick and was ready to go after tying my long hair back. Off I went to get the car serviced hoping I would not be mis-gendered. 

It turned out all my paranoia was baseless. I was treated with respect and not referred to as sir. Plus it turned out the whole process needed much more work than a simple oil change. So the manager was very much involved in the process. At times, he was so involved I wondered if he was trying to impress me. He even went as far as helping me turn off the "perform maintenance soon warning" off. Maybe I was the recipient of female privilege. Or, I needed help and he volunteered. 

Very soon the process was over and I was free to go (after I paid) and it was time to go through the drive thru of our favorite coffee place for a treat. The pressure was off and once again I wondered why I got so worried about going at all. Looking back, I have never experienced any negative feedback when I have gone to male dominated spaces. I guess I am afraid of being taken advantage of. When most of the time the opposite has happened. For the most part, men have bent over backwards to help me.

Maybe I will never change but I doubt it because the transition scars  run too deep. My gender dysphoria ran too deep as a transgender woman. It could be time to change my own oil.   

Wednesday, September 25, 2024

Playing the Victim as a Trans Woman

Image from Jen Theodore on UnSplash

It has always been easy for me to play the victim at times during my life.

Primarily, when times started to get rough in my male life, I could day dream of escaping into my female world .Usually I try to point out after a particular difficult day on the football practice field, I could wistfully take a look at the cheerleaders not so far away and instantly feel better. Of course, I was quickly brought back to reality by my position coach. Or by the offensive lineman who was intent of driving me into the ground. 

Over time my escapism became a habit, especially when I discovered how intense my feelings became when I cross dressed and interacted with my mirror. Suddenly I was not the victim anymore when I looked at the girl in the mirror. Which was all good until I found I wanted so much more than an image of a girl, I wanted to test my new self in the world. 

At the same time, my work was training me not to be a victim. As I rose higher and higher in management structures, I learned the buck stopped with me and I was only as good as my employees who worked with me. My problem then became carrying the same ideas over to my life as a novice transgender woman. Even though, I was still married to my second wife and was interacting with many many strangers on a regular basis, I was still extremely isolated and alone with my gender issues. Just cross dressing in front of the mirror wasn't enough and still I felt as if I was a victim. Why did I have to suffer from extreme bouts of gender dysphoria. 

The answer was always the same, I was stuck with who I was and I needed to somehow make the best of the situation. I dedicated my life to finding out more and more of what my wife was telling me when she told me I knew nothing about being a woman. I learned I did not and instead of being a victim, I needed a way to be allowed behind the feminine gender curtain. It wasn't until I made the decision to put my cross dressing ways mentally behind me and pursued ways to enter the world as a transgender woman did I begin to make serious inroads towards my dream. I know I am just dealing with labels to some but to me the distinction between transgender and cross dresser was huge for one major reason. A cross dresser to me just wanted to look like a woman and a transgender person wanted to be a woman. My ideas led to several spirited discussions on message boards as you can imagine.

As life moved on, I hated to be called a victim and did all I could to avoid it. I went to any extent possible to not going back to my former self feeling sorry for himself. In my own way, I felt proud of the fact I had been able to put all the self destructive behavior behind me. I was especially happy my suicide attempt had failed because I found I still had so much to live for if only I was able to reach out and grasp it. It was amazing when I stopped being a victim and was trying to live two gender lives was behind me. The pressure was off and my mental health improved. 

Playing the victim as a trans woman just didn't work for me. I did not have to worry anymore about what gender I would have to live as on any given day. When my dominate feminine self was finally given her chance to live, she took over and made my life worth living again. The icing on the cake so to speak was when she was able to make and flourish with a whole new set of friends which included my wife Liz. All of them never knew my old male self and I was able to build a new person from the ground up. 

Life was exciting and fun again or maybe for the first time ever. My old male self predictably knew how to be successful but never knew how to make friends and be satisfied. I was so fortunate to have been able to slip behind the feminine gender curtain and discover how the other half lived. I was accepted and loved it and never had to turn back.  

Monday, September 23, 2024

Complacency

 

Summer Image with padding.
JJ Hart

As I did my best to transition from male to female there were many times I experienced moments of complacency.

It happened slowly enough as I kept throwing lifelines to myself so I could survive a life burdened with gender dysphoria. To add insult to injury, I was not gifted with feminine external attributes to help me along as I initially tried to make it in the world as my authentic inner self. Disguising my testosterone poisoned body was a total learning experience. Angles needed to be changed into curves using everything from pads to balloons to foam. Anything it took to perfect my image and avoid complacency. 

The main problem I had was I could not avoid all the years I had lived as a man. The male trip was never easy for me to learn and even a more difficult time to forget. I had survived and even flourished and now I was trying to give it all up and for what. To live as a woman which became an all encompassing goal. I would practice the best I could walking and moving as a feminine person. Even to the point of being called "Ma'am" when I was at work as a man. I figured it was because I projecting a feminine "aura" to the world and resolved to add the idea to my accessories when I was out in the world as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

I started to project very strongly that I was a woman to any stranger I was interacting with. Along with looking them in the eye, I was able to be accepted for the first time as the person I wanted to be but I still had to guard in not letting up my guard and not slipping back into any of my old male ways. Just one time walking like a linebacker or not paying any attention to my new feminine communication skills could essentially ruin my whole day. It did not matter how much time, effort or money I put into my appearance, if I forgot who I was, nothing mattered. For years, my entire existence was still so fragile until I put in the years and work to tip my gender balance.

I can't say, even today I don't experience moments of complacency. It is easy when the cis-women my age and younger are for the most part very casual in their appearance. Ironically, when I see a woman in heels and hose in the grocery store dressed to the nines, my "trans-dar" goes up and I want to take a closer look. Perhaps the person could be part of the transgender or cross dresser sisterhood. 

Through it all, complacency or not I have never forgotten how the differences in female fashion is and was one of the fun parts of transitioning. No longer was I confined by the drab and boring male fashions. I had forever admired how the woman around me had the freedom to express themselves through fashion and now I could also.

On another topic, I attended two other LBGTQ support group virtual meetings recently. The groups moderator is a trans man and does a good job of keeping everyone involved. The group is very diverse and I was surprised to see a couple of the transgender participants seemingly have partially de-transitioned over the years. Plus I learned the Veterans Administration has finally approved electrologist visits under their care and my mammogram was approved after four tries. The main problem was the hospital I wanted it done at still had an old chart on me with my dead name so getting a new one was the problem. The VA needed to approve the process and did so my dead name information has been changed on yet another document. Progress is progress I guess.

At least I was not being complacent and stayed the course until I saw results.

Sunday, September 22, 2024

Sitting Pretty

Image from JJ Hart.

It never took me being a genius to figure out my appearance as a woman would cost me much more than my male self ever did. 

I started out my feminine life innocently enough as I began to save my meager allowance to buy a few articles for my girl wardrobe. I even took on a rural newspaper route to add a few dollars every week to spend on whatever I wanted. The problem was, finding my way to a store where I could attempt to spend my hard earned money. 

Our family home was actually in a rural area outside of town and I needed to figure some sort of an excuse to make it into town by myself because all I had was my bicycle. I figured out the answer which came to me when I was asked to go in town and visit my Grandma. She just happened to live very close to the downtown area and probably would not resist any attempts on my part to go downtown alone. I knew also, there were several stores downtown which sold makeup as well as other feminine accessories. So close but so far.

Predictably Grandma didn't and I had free reign to go shopping on my own. Then, the next biggest hurdle came along when I had to actually go into a store and shop for any makeup I found that may be suitable. The first time I was brave enough to shop for my own makeup, I was panicked and just wanted to buy something and get out of the store. Another problem was my Dad worked a short distance from where I was shopping and if I was caught, I would have no answer to why I was buying makeup. He never did catch me and the only hurdle I needed to face was the clerk who would be checking me out with my purchases. 

I was able to visit Grandma and do my shopping with no problems except for my extremely limited financial resources. Even though I managed to buy appropriate makeup, panty hose and even shoes, there was no way I could ever afford a suitable wig. For years, the wig of my dreams was just a fantasy of mine. Even so, time flew by and I managed to survive, even with my gender issues. It wasn't until I was out of the military did I realize how much sitting pretty would cost me. 

Dressing head to toe as a woman still proved a challenge for me to afford. Most of my needs would be met by going to thrift stores in our area. By doing so, I was able to find fashion "treasures" which were added to my growing wardrobe. While the thrift stores were cost effective for me, so many other aspects of cross dressing myself were not. Due to the size of my feet, thrift stores were out and I needed to shop retail. The whole process of adding new makeup, accessories such as purses and jewelry was a challenge because for the most part, my wife had control of the family finances. Through it all, going to a wig shop and buying a wig was still very difficult and frustrating. What I mean is, once I was able to put together a quality outfit, I was still struggling with having a wig to finish off my look. 

Finally, my financial situation improved to the point where I could afford a quality wig but then I needed to figure out which wig I could buy. Initially, I was like a kid in a candy store and picked out the wrong wigs which made me look like a clown. Through all my fashion errors when I was out in public for the first time, I finally was able to buy the correct wig which fit me well and framed my face correctly. It turned out the wig was the final piece of my presentation puzzle. 

For the first time ever, I was able to do my best and sit pretty as a novice transgender woman. 

Friday, September 20, 2024

What Would Mom Say

Image from Jenna Norman
on UnSplash

This week my question to answer on the year long bio I am writing for my daughter and family as well as my wife Liz involved what parent I learned the most from.  

As I compared my Mom and Dad, easily I learned the most from Mom. Outside of the usual circumstances, I found I could find many more opportunities to spotlight Mom's influence on me. For example, I remember at a very early age watching Mom put on her makeup. Being a product of the "greatest generation" she was not shy about dressing up. However, I don't think watching makeup being applied led me to being a transvestite or even a transgender woman really mattered. Somehow the gender issues I faced went much deeper. Perhaps as deep as the medication Mom took during her pregnancy (DES) which was offered to women at the time to prevent problem births.

It turned out, I was successfully delivered just before my parents had decided to give up after three still births and adopt a child. I think because of all of that, my Mom put an extra emphasis on raising me and my brother who came along two years later. So much so, I wonder now what would have happened if Mom would have realized she had a daughter rather than a son. In all fairness to her, the fifties during my youth had very little information on gender issues. When it was available, gender issues were known as mental illness. 

Throughout the years, I always mistakenly thought girls had all the benefits in life I always wanted. Girls were able to wear the pretty clothes I wanted, be gifted the dolls I wanted and even never had to worry about being drafted and serving in the military. Male privileges were not known to me in those days because I had not yet earned any. As a side note, once I did earn the benefits of being male, I learned some of them were automatic and I did not want them anyhow.

I have forever wondered what my life would have been with Mom had I been born a biological female. Being as similar personality wise as we were, we fought quite a bit as mother/pseudo son and I have to think it would have been worse as a daughter. Mom was very headstrong and I am sure we would have had battles over fashion styles in the 1960's as well as when I could begin using makeup. In fact, when I was sneaking around using her makeup, I was probably younger than I would have been had I been her actual daughter.  I am sure too, Mom would have tried to influence me into going to her college and joining her sorority. She would have done her best to push me down a certain path which was certainly going against my generation's rules at that time in history during the upheaval in the later 1960's.

By this time, you may be asking where was Dad during all of this. It was not like he was not an influence in my life but he was not as hands on as Mom was. He was long on providing and short on emotions which I struggled with for most of my life. One thing I remember most about him was how desperate I was to never disappoint him and since I rarely if ever heard a positive from him, I never knew what he really thought of my life. He was blessed with excellent health and outlived my Mom by ten years and I never came out to him before his death from Dementia.

I did try to come out to Mom but it was a dismal failure for both of us. Predictably, when I told her I wanted to be a woman, she offered up mental health counseling. The conversation took place just after I was finished with my military duty and was never mentioned again until her death fifty years later. I used to hold her thoughts against her and was quite bitter but I gradually mellowed with age and came to realize she was just a product of her generation. 

To honor all her sacrifices, I used her first name as my middle name when I legally changed my gender markers nearly ten years ago. Had I had the opportunity to be accepted as her daughter from the beginning, it would have been interesting how our lives would have intersected. Way past the pushback I would have received for wearing my skirts too short and wearing too much makeup when I was a teenager. I know what Mom would have said. You aren't leaving the house looking like that. Maybe I should have thought of that when I tried and failed to dress that way later in life.  

 

Thursday, September 19, 2024

Feeling the Pain

 

Image from Eugenia 
Maximova 
on UnSplash.

Learning on the fly all I needed to know concerning my authentic life as a transgender woman often resulted in pain.

The pain, early on mainly materialized when I rushed the process of going out in public as a novice transgender woman or cross dresser. Many times I was reduced to tears following being stared at or even laughed at when I was simply out walking around. I felt the pain for years until I finally realized I was the problem and sought out the reasons why. The main reason was (as I always mention) my male ego was dictating my femininized fashion sense. He was thinking attempting to dress sexy would somehow validate myself as a woman. Of course, it didn't and just made me look ridiculous. On the other hand, when I dressed to blend in with other women, they validated me as a woman.

My frustration and pain increased until I became fed up with the entire process and changed it. My thrift shopping adventures began to change to reflect my new fashion sense. I was held back in many ways by my budget and knowledge of what fashion I was trying to buy. Sizing was an example, as I struggled to find what looked best on my testosterone poisoned body. I did not have the benefit of having any feminine characteristics to begin my journey so trial and lots of error is what I went through. Every time I learned a fashion choice I made  just would not work, I felt the pain return again.

My situation improved when my overall confidence improved to a point where I was able to use the women's changing rooms. When I could afford to go to a mall clothing store, I always checked with a clerk first to see if I was to be accepted so as not to feel the sting and embarrassment later. In the thrift stores I went to, the changing  rooms were not monitored anyhow, so I never had to ask. As I said, when I had the opportunity to try on clothes ahead of time, my improvement rate went way up and my fashion pain way down.

After conquering most of my fashion pain, next up came my paranoia over communicating as a transgender woman in the world. Of course I quickly discovered I had no idea of how women communicate between themselves. I found myself on several different levels when I dealt with the world. Once I figured out I was not "fooling" anyone else and just resorted to being myself, my life improved. One level of woman just did not care and basically ignored me while another level was curious and wondered what I was doing in their world. Overall, I was learning on the fly and had my share of pain such as the one transphobic woman I encountered at a party Liz and I attended many years ago. She was actively harassing me about what my dead name was. She was so evil, the experience still causes me pain to this day.

Overall though, when I compare my transgender journey to others I read about, I suppose I have had it lucky. Even though I had suffered a lifetime's worth of pain when I lost my wife, several close friends and my business in a span of five years, I was able to find new friends and rebound. Mainly because the friends and Liz accepted me as my authentic feminine self. I guess karma was paying me back for a lifetime of wondering what I was doing about my transgender self. All the years of doubting my gender existence came back to be a strength when I quit being a victim in my own life. 

Sure I was transgender but suddenly it became a strength not a weakness and the pain was behind me. 

     

Wednesday, September 18, 2024

A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Author JJ Hart

There were many times in my life when I felt as if I was a spectator in my own life.

From the first glimpse in a mirror when I cross dressed as a girl, all the way to when I first went out determined to be a woman rather than just look like one, often I was on the outside looking in. Being on the outside was certainly not a great place to be. I literally spent decades of my life worrying about where I actually stood with my gender issues.

Along the way, I grew tired of being the spectator and wanted more inside information on how the feminine system I so admired worked. I discovered the hard way, I was not going to be allowed to learn more until I made the drastic step of increasing my transitioning efforts. Naturally, it was very difficult to do when I was totally immersed in leading a male life which I had become quite successful at doing. Overall, I was becoming the victim when it came to my life as a whole. I kept wondering why me when it came to my desire to live as a transgender woman. I finally had to shake it off and move forward with my gender transition before I lost everything I knew in life. 

It turns out the real culprit was myself.  I was afraid to face my truth and it cost me. I even tried to out run my desire to live as a woman by moving and switching jobs. Once I talked my wife into moving from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. Then back again a couple years later. Living in different parts of the country was certainly an eye opening experience but did very little to help my gender issues. On the rare occasions it did like the night on Long Island when I went to a transvestite mixer and the hosts thought I was a cis-woman was flattering but did me no good the next morning when I crashed back into my male life. Then my poor wife had to put up with my mood swings.

Still I was a spectator in my own life when I walked down the long hallway in heels to get carded for my true gender to the times I did the family grocery shopping in sweaters, mini skirts and flats, I wondered who was that? It took me years to come to the conclusion the other feminine person was me and she had a right to be here in my life. Slowly but surely, I was building the life experiences needed to cross the gender border but it kept taking me so much time. I kept running into so many road blocks, I thought I was some sort of a gender construction engineer. 

Regardless as time flew by, it was time to put my gender cards on the table to finally determine which gender was going to be the primary provider in my life. What I attempted to do was live as much as I could as a novice transgender woman to see if the lifestyle was for me. Even though initially I did not attempt to do it, the trans life rapidly snuck up on me. Before I knew it and maybe before I was ready, I began to carve out a brand new life as a woman. Quickly I needed to develop feminine communication skills which was difficult for me to do since I was overwhelmingly dealing with other women in my life.

Through it all, slowly I grabbed total control of my life and became a spectator any time I was forced back into my old unwanted male life. In other words, I finally faced my own truth and flipped the ultimate gender script in my life.    









Monday, September 16, 2024

Staring Down the Transgender Cliff

Image from Jimmy Conover
on UnSplash
 As I transitioned from my very active male self into an accomplished transgender woman, there were many times I found myself staring down a cliff on my gender path.

The more I walked on and was successful, the more scared I became. The cliff I was looking at, increasingly appeared to be steeper and riskier than I ever imagined when I first put on a dress and makeup so many years before. After all, I was risking so much such as a spouse, family and a job to name just a few. To add more pressure, I was becoming increasingly more and more successful in my choice of occupations. I had worked years to arrive at where I was and now I was risking it all to try to be a successful out transgender woman. By successful, I mean I was able to increasingly move about in society as I carved out a new life.


Mixed in with all the life changing experiences I was going through were many failures as I would sneak up to the cliff and look over. The entire process was scaring me more and more and threatened pushing me back into the gender closet I had worked so hard to leave for all of those years. 

Finally, I could take it no longer and began to gather the courage to take a leap of faith as I approached jumping off my personal cliff into a risky world I thought I knew something about. Before I did, I tried to come up with a survival plan when I jumped into the sometime snake pit which was the feminine world. I needed to learn the basics of the indirect passive aggression. Slowly but surely I learned to fasten my seatbelt and learned to ready myself to jump. I had conquered so much on my journey and it was time to quit staring down the gender cliff. 

Ironically, the women friends I had made like Liz and Kim helped me to a soft landing. They taught me what it would take to for me to become a transgender woman on my own terms. More importantly, all the fears I felt concerning my fear of gender heights proved they were like new gender guardian angels to me. Certainly, I found there were transphobes who would never like me but on the other hand, I found most people just didn't care. I was left alone to make a soft landing around my friends and enjoy my new life. 

I have always tried to be a proponent of the idea that something you are proposing to do will not be as bad as you think it will be or as good as you think it will. The same happened to me with I took the chance and gave up my male life and undertook the biggest adventure of my life. 

The soft landing off of the cliff coincided with my softer life as a transgender woman. When I did land, I wondered what took me so long. My excuse was I was afraid of heights, when in reality, I was just afraid of losing what was left of the white male privilege's I enjoyed. But it turned out, I could not have my gender cake and eat it too. It became too much pressure to attempt to live part time as a trans woman and a man. 

I closed my eyes, hoped for the best and jumped. It did not matter how intimidating the cliff seemed to be, the steep gender cliff proved to be the least of my problems. 

Sunday, September 15, 2024

Transgender Inspiration

The late Lynn Conway.

 In my formative years growing from a beginning cross dresser into a novice transgender woman, there were very few inspirations for me to follow. One of the few I knew about was the very accomplished and talented Lynn Conway, a computer scientist and electrical engineer.  

Deep down I knew I was not on the same level as Conway and the very few I did know about followed the same path as most transsexuals face when they transition into a feminine life. We were expected to leave our past behind, have all the needed operations and relocate ourselves to start over. Since I was my usual stubborn self, I could not see me going down all of the same roads as well known transsexuals. In fact, I knew a couple trans women nearby who were ready to go down the surgical road and change their lives forever. 

As in most cases each of their lives were totally different than mine. So they were more of an interest to me than an inspiration. By getting to know them closer, I had hoped to gain more knowledge of what I would face if I decided to go further with my own gender transition. I did learn, as I went on, everything was different when I was living as a transgender woman. I had my own preconceived ideas of how it would be to live as a woman from all the years I had spent closely observing the women around me. However I found most of my conceptions were wrong as I slipped behind the gender curtain. The prime example was how I was presenting myself as a woman. I wasn't dressing to blend in and was drawing unneeded attention to myself. My efforts came from my old male ego dictating my fashion and wardrobe. I had no inspiration to guide me the correct way.

I think I tried to use my second wife as inspiration but I was just not in the proper mental space to accept her criticism. In other words, my feminine self had not had the chance to grow up past my adolescent years as a trans woman. During those years, happiness was looking very lonely as my wife and I constantly fought over my appearance among other things. I think she knew she was fighting a losing battle as my internal feminine self fought with her all the time. Every now and then, I did talk her in to going out to eat as two girls and I really tried to dress down for the date. As a matter of fact, if I dressed down any more, I might as well just have gone as my male self. 

I was getting nowhere fast in my quest to learn more about being a quality transgender woman, so I was forced out on my own. Which added in it's own set of problems. Primarily, here I was sneaking around behind my wife's back to see if I could live as a woman. In doing so, I found I could create another life. Furthering the divide between my wife and I.

The divide widened until her death and inspiration or not, I continued on with my search for my feminine self. What I discovered was, she was with me all along. Just waiting for a chance to live. When she did, she became my own inspiration and I never looked back. In many ways I found she adopted many of the mannerisms and personality of my Mom, who was very outspoken and not shy. I admired her so much, I took her first name as my middle name when I legally changed my gender markers. 

These days, with all the internet and social media access transgender inspiration is much easier to come by and we need the inspiration with all the negative coming our way from politicians. We have to do all we can to keep the positives coming.

Saturday, September 14, 2024

I Am I Said

 

Archive Image, JJ Hart

One of my favorite Neil Diamond's songs is "I Am I Said". I particularly was drawn to the line saying I was lost between two shores. Neil was referring to New York and Los Angeles and I adapted it for me to signify being lost somewhere between being male and female.

The song's lyrics go on to say "I am, I said to no one there " I again felt the same way because I had no one to discuss my gender issues with other than the occasional therapist who went quickly through my life with little or no benefits until I reached a point much later in my life. In addition, the pressure to conform to the successful male life I was leading was intense. One of the few positives of my job was I was named a managerial training manager so I was able to take medium ranged business trips from my home in Ohio (yes I am from the much maligned Springfield) and travel by car to Lexington, Kentucky. Usually, I was asked once every six months to make the trip which I quickly saw as an opportunity to pack a few of my feminine items and cross dress. 

I usually worked it out with my second wife I was taking a second night at the company headquarters so I would not have to drive back at night. When I did, I was able to either cross dress and head out to one of the Lexington gay bars. It turned out, there were several back in those days, since the University of Kentucky is there. When I went out, at the least I didn't have to tell the chair or mirror I was actually someone feminine. On one occasion, I hit the jackpot and my training seminar just happened to coincide with Halloween. I thought ahead and when I packed away from my wife's prying eyes, I added a few slutty outfits to put together a Halloween "costume." The difference this Halloween was I was going to try my luck at going to a big straight club and not a gay venue. After a few wrong turns, I found the place and gathered my courage to go inside. Here I was dressed in an all black mini-dress with black heels, hose and blond wig doing my best to ignore all the guys pinching my behind as I walked across the dance floor, Since I needed to be up and fresh early the following morning, I needed to be back early to go to bed.

All along, I was learning what I was and was finding out the hard way what could happen if I dressed the wrong way. One night, I decided to stop at the halfway point on the way home which was Cincinnati. I got a hotel room and proceeded to seek out one of the more infamous gay bars in town for hookups, I thought since my black outfit worked so well before, I would try it again. This time, a very drunk guy at the bar tried to pick me up...until his wife showed up. I was embarrassed and was trying my best to back pedal from the whole situation when he made things worse by telling her why did she not have legs like mine. By this time, I headed for the restroom to hide and when I came out they were gone. As was the black outfit.

Through it all, all the lying I was doing to my wife was wrecking my moral code and when I asked who I was, I did not know. Which made the Diamond song so important to me. 

Finally, I did climb out of the pit I was in and was able to learn who I was but sadly was never able to reconcile my transgender life with my wife before she passed away. All along she was urging me to find myself and by the time I did, it was too late. I was no longer stuck between two gender shores. I had found myself and she was feminine. 


Friday, September 13, 2024

It Was Never Easy


I am amused when anyone thinks my gender journey has ever been an easy one. 

To begin with, I was born into a very male dominated family. Being the oldest son of two, I had heavy male expectations forced on me. Very early on, I learned I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not belong in the male world at all. The problem was coming to the knowledge I did not belong as I was sneaking around my family's back to cross dress as a girl. As I remember, I had two hiding places for my small collection of feminine wardrobe and makeup. 

The first place was up in the attic of our family garage and the second was more creative when I discovered a hallowed out tree trunk in a woods next door to my house. What I did was use plastic trash bags to protect my precious belongings from the elements and it provided an extra way I could be alone and dress which relieved (for a day or two) my gender tension. So none of my drastic measures were easy but I survived without anyone detecting my secret, to my knowledge. 

As years went by and my life as a girl began to be more complex, I was pressured to do more and more to protect my life. Sneaking around became more intense as my wardrobe increased, along with my knowledge of the makeup arts. In all fairness to me, I attempted to ease my gender pain, I told my first and second wives ahead of our marriage I was a transvestite or cross dresser which I thought would help my world. My idea worked for awhile, until I essentially out grew the idea I simply wanted to wear women's clothes and makeup. More and more I wanted to be a woman.

Making the jump from cross dresser to transgender woman often was brutal. Partially because I still had my male life to contend with. It probably would have been easier on me if I was not involved in such a male intensive job which automatically would completely throw me totally and publicly back into a world I never wanted. Ironically, my life as a man I worked so hard to build was now in direct competition with a feminized life I was growing into. 

At the same time, my biggest challenge became was deciding if I was transgender at all, Could I continue a life where I lived in both binary genders temporarily or would I need to choose between being a man or a woman. I ran from the decision for years before I grew so tired of running I could go no farther. Making a decision was never an easy one but one I needed to make. Finally, one night I had yet another soul searching discussion with myself and decided to live a life as a transgender woman. The world as I knew it was showing me the way. For the first time in my life I was single and did not have to worry about a spouse to deal with when I changed.

I went even further and decided to go to a doctor to see if I was healthy enough to begin gender affirming hormones. I was and my body took to them very rapidly, making my decision to give away what was left of my male wardrobe to charity and add to my feminine wardrobe. It was not easy to make the decision but it was easy to live with the results. I only knew my new feminine life would never be easy but still would so much better than the life I had lived,

It was never an easy life and my gender dysphoria certainly did not make it any easier. Waking up in the morning after dreaming if I was a boy or a girl never got my day started on a good foot. All of it became some sort of a daily routine I never wanted. With all the highs and lows, somehow I learned to live with it all. 

Wednesday, September 11, 2024

Just Weary

 

Image from Harry Quan
on UnSplash


Following a lifetime of doing my best to maintain a male lifestyle, I grew weary of living a lie.

Similar to many transgender folks and/or cross dressers I grew impatient with the progress I was making with my gender transition. I had two main problems, the first of which I did not know where I was going and the second was I had no basic idea if I was ever going to learn the basics of what I was doing. Very quickly, I tired of just looking at myself in the mirror and wanted more. I wish now I would have seen my feelings as being transgender but all of this occurred well before the term transgender was invented and became popular.

At the time, my frustration level was rising to an all time high. I was doing my best to learn the basics of feminine presentation but rarely had the chance to try my efforts in a public setting. Those occasions just happened to be Halloween parties which I learned many new basics from. Such as what happened when I dressed slutty compared to when I dressed in feminine professional attire. As Halloween rapidly approaches, I will try to be more in-depth on what I learned which helped me along on my journey to be a transgender woman.

As I went along, my femininization lessons just increased my weariness of being male. I grew extra tired of all the games guys play when they size each other up in the world and I wanted out. I could not wait until I could head home and escape into the safety of my woman's world, The whole problem was, my world was still so isolated and I needed to get out. To enter the world, I dreamed up ways to do it and began by going shopping where clerks had to accept me for my money, not my gender. I also started out by going to gay bars thinking I was safe there. In the long run, I discovered neither did me much good as I was not challenged to build a better feminine self. As I said, acceptance was a given in the clothing stores I went to and not a given in the gay or lesbian venues I went to. Through it all, with the ups and the downs, I learned I was on the right track to my gender discovery. Even though I needed to make sure the light up ahead was not another on-coming train.

My salvation turned out to be being myself, as I ended up going full circle and enjoying the sports venues I enjoyed going to as a guy. Sure I was scared at first, but I followed my instincts of being friendly to the staff, dressing to blend in with the other women and tipping well. Before I knew it, I became a regular at several venues as I enjoyed myself. During this point of my life, even though I was still intensely lonely, I still was increasingly weary of any idea I was still a man. 

To do away with any of my masculine traits became a primary goal of mine. I worked hard to lose weight and take care of my skin to do my best to improve my femininized appearance Plus the addition of the gender affirming hormones I began very much improved my confidence and outlook on life, I finally had arrived at my gender tipping point when all the male clothes had to go and it was time to consider coming out to the closest friends and family I had left. 

It was time to leave my weary life behind and open the doors to an exciting new life as a full-time transgender woman.  .  


Tuesday, September 10, 2024

Affirmation

 


Recently I had a very important reminder of my initial affirmation as a legal female in the world.

It came several years ago when I decided to have as many legal documents as I could changed to reflect my authentic feminine self. One of the major documents I needed changed was my Ohio driver's license. I made sure I acquired all the name change documents plus a letter from my therapist to insure I did not have any problems. The process was scary but exciting because among other things, I needed the picture ID of the license so I could vote. 

It just so happened my license was due to expire just ahead of the all-important election coming up in November so it was important for me not to procrastinate until the last minute so I can cast my vote against tRumpt. 

In many ways, being able to renew my license symbolically was similar to renewing my gender vows with myself. As far as completing the process, it was easy this time because I was already in the system as female and no one questioned me. Probably the most difficult part was having my picture taken because of all the insecurities I feel when it comes to my appearance. For the morning I chose one of my most feminine tops, applied a foundation, eye makeup, lipstick, blush and tied back my hair and was ready to go. I arrived early and only had to wait approximately fifteen minutes before being waited on. 

Even though I knew the process would be nearly painless, for some reason I was still suffering from needless paranoia. I was able to put it all behind me and reaffirm  myself as a legal transgender feminine person. 

Next stop is my upcoming mammogram appointment which is in the process of being scheduled now. I consider mammograms as a slightly unpleasant rite of passage I need to go through since my maternal grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.

Affirmation is good.

Monday, September 9, 2024

It is NOT a Choice

Image from Alexander Grey 
on UnSplash

I still get aggravated when someone says being transgender is a choice.

Realistically, why would I have ever chosen to live the life I am living. Would I have made the choice to give up everything I worked so hard to achieve just to put on a dress, makeup and heels and attempt to live a feminine life. All the material benefits I had acquired as part of my life as a white male privileges disappeared for good, if I wanted them to to or not.

Suddenly, I learned the hard way what it was like to have my personal security threatened as well as being mansplained when I attempted to insert my feelings on a topic I knew quite a bit about. Quickly I discovered many examples. I nearly found out the hard way, if I dressed too provocatively at a mixer, I would be cornered and harassed by an over bearing transvestite admirer. In an instant, I learned how it would be to be a helpless woman being overwhelmed by a much larger man. Not a pleasant experience and it was not all of my lessons. One night when I was blissfully minding my own business on a dark city sidewalk, I was approached by two sketchy men wanting a handout. Fortunately, I still had a lone five dollar bill for them and they went on their way. From then on my new feminine common sense began to grow and I started to develop the gender protective sense all women acquire as part of their life experiences.

None of what I was experiencing was a choice and not part of me being validating  myself as a woman. All I needed to know was I had no choice but to follow my path if I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I was doing the right thing. Coupled with the natural feelings I was experiencing, my supposed choice was made. 

I knew over a span of time, I would learn to deal with being mansplained was something I just had to deal with as a transgender woman. I will never forget the day I had to sit in a tow truck and be subjected to being bored when the driver was telling me how the truck worked. Finally, I gave him my best blond act until he finished all his rock bottom explanations. On one of my few dates with men, quickly I found I knew nothing about subjects such as sports and politics.

Why would I choose to be something as difficult as being a woman? My entire life became dedicated to proving the world wrong. I could carve out and experience a new life as a transgender woman and thrive. But again, I needed to prove all the naysayers wrong. The only natural feminine attribute I started with was my brain. Which for some reason, kept telling me I was doing life completely wrong because I was living it as a male instead of my more natural female. Finally, all the pressure to change and all the stress to explore the world as a trans woman. I was living in a world of alternate facts which was increasingly too complex to handle. I came to the point where I felt as an impostor when I went out of the house as a man. Can you imagine that? Feeling as an impostor when you attempt to live as your birth gender. It happened to me.

All the process proved to an outsider is gender issues are not a choice. During the process none of us understands, we are born into system we never asked for. The path is often a bumpy one with plenty of curves and stop signs. We have to wait our turn before we move on. 

For any number of reasons, the true number of transgender women and trans men may never be known. One thing is for sure, there are many more hidden transgender individuals waiting to take their turn and enter the world. Regardless of all the negative publicity we receive, transgender people have been around forever and will remain a part of the human experience. After all, we don't have a choice.

Sunday, September 8, 2024

Building from the Inside Out

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSplash



Years ago I began to understand I was building a new human being from the inside out.

I began to realize it when a person very close to me told me how fortunate I was to be able to start over in the world as a transgender woman. At first I was scared, could I really re-create myself as a woman and at the same time achieve my ultimate feminine dream. Following years of living and training, I found I could indeed live a life as a trans woman.

Before I did, I needed to decide what old male baggage I would have to discard or adjust to the fact I would have to bring it with me. It was difficult since I decided to seriously began my gender transition at the age of sixty, I had years to consider what to do with my baggage. Initially, I was part of the old transsexual school which believed you had to totally uproot your life and move when you transitioned and start all over. The problem I had was, there was some baggage from my old life I wanted to bring with me. For example, I wanted to try to preserve contact with my family and wondered if my wife (who I loved completely) would ever accept me. Not to mention other key points of my life including my passion for watching sports. 

Fairly quickly, as I transitioned, I was able to indirectly control all I was building from the inside out. By this time, I had worked out most of the appearance or fashion challenges I faced, allowing me to work on expressing my internal self. First of all, I learned my only child accepted me totally and my only sibling (a brother) did not. Sadly, we have not communicated in over a decade now. I know I have survived and I have assumed he has also and we moved on. Since I was now a different person now and he is entrenched in his ways, I am sure it has all been for the best although it hurt me how he handled it by rejecting my invitation to the family's annual Thanksgiving feast.

In many ways, having the opportunity to rebuild myself was terrifying yet exciting. Along the way, I found I needed to transition again. Mainly when I finally decided to make the mental move from cross dresser to transgender woman. I say mental move because I wasn't doing anything outwardly any different as I was doing my best to put my best appearance foot forward as a woman. I knew if I was successful, there would be no turning back on my gender path. It was a huge continuing beginning in the process of leaving my male world behind.

By this time, I was well on my way of deciding what baggage I could bring with me and what I could leave behind. I was preparing to give what was left of my male clothes to a charity and I had fairly quickly established myself as a regular in a couple of the big sports bars I had frequented as a guy. By doing so, I could meet my small group of new women friends I had met and watch the games we all enjoyed. My new life was coming together from the inside out and I was loving it. 

Even still, it sometimes took all the concentration I had to remember I was living a new life and I needed to rely on my inner female to carry it out. By doing so, I was able to say what I was thinking and not screw it up by injecting any of my old toxic male self. The only thing I could rely on was my new friends and their reaction to me since they had no clue of the old me. It was very liberating to say the least. 

Overall, I have to say, building the interior person was more intense when compared to the exterior woman the world saw. Especially when I needed to communicate more and more with the public as my new self. When I did build from the inside out, I learned to live my truth and empower my life as a transgender woman.

  


Uncomfortably Numb

Image from M on UnSplash Following yesterday's ill-fated election, I wasn't going to write anything at all but decided not to be a c...