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JJ Hart |
Over time, I spent so much time and effort unleashing my male past, I cannot remember it all.
As soon as I could think about myself, I knew something was
wrong. I just did not know what. Primarily, I did not know I was trying my best
to survive in a male world I wanted very little to do with. Perhaps the biggest
problem came when it was time to unlearn all the male life I was forced into. I
was the proverbial round peg in the square hole, and I did not like it, even
though I was rewarded with white male privilege when I was successful.
By choice or not, it seemed I was always fighting myself or
the world for my gender dreams or goals. Very early I knew somehow, I wanted to
be a woman someday, a deep dark secret I needed to keep to myself. Overall, I
was deeply conflicted about where my life would end up because it seemed as if
I was on a runaway gender train I could not get off.
A prime example was when I entered male puberty. I watched
in shock as my body grew angles, and I needed to walk like a man. I am
sure I was a comical sight, but I tried. I did not want to be referred to as a
sissy and bullied in school and I was successful. Until it was time to reverse
it all. When I left the cross-dressing mirror and entered the world as a novice
transgender woman, there was so much to do as I was busy unlearning my male
life. First of all, there was that male walk I needed to get rid of. There was
no way I could overcome the positive feminine presentation I had succeeded at
doing, if I was going to continue to walk like a man. Plus, I had the challenge
of doing it in heels.
When I learned to walk in heels, I learned the inherent power
of female privilege. Suddenly, my legs looked better, and men paid closer
attention to the clicking of my heels. I just needed to match the rest of my
fashion to blend in with my shoes. Since I loved my boots, the first thing that
I did was try to save up for a pair of nice, heeled boots and find them in my
size. Thank goodness for Payless Shoes. For the most part, I did good in my
heels except for the time I got a heel stuck in a sidewalk crack in a mall I
was walking in and the time I fell on a wet spot in one of my regular venues I
was in. I survived and learned I needed to be more comfortable.
Another major gender response I needed to unlearn was to
always look another woman in the eye when I talked to her, especially in
bathroom situations. Eye to eye contact was normal in women’s rooms and totally
not in men’s rooms. The new rules of the “room” I needed to unlearn and relearn
if I was to survive as a transfeminine person.
Another major point of contention I write about often, is
the difference between male and female aggression. I needed to unlearn the old
male aggressive ways of coming right at you. On the other hand, I was clawed
many times when I failed to recognize the passive aggressive intentions of a
woman I was dealing with. Often behind that smile was a sharp pair of claws
waiting to take a shot at my back. I needed to keep my head on a swivel and always
be careful when I was dealing with other women in the girl’s sandbox. Lesson
learned and I moved on as a better transgender woman.
Finally, all these lessons began to come together in my life,
and I started to become a whole human being again. But this time, a human I
wanted to be. No more unwanted male who I still needed to fall back on in times
of duress. Afterall, I had to live with him for nearly fifty years, so there
was some good to remember. I found I could relate to both binary genders better
and understand where they were coming from. Of course, men were the simpler of
the two genders as I suspected and women were more complex, and they led more
layered lives.
None of it mattered to me as my world opened in ways I never
imagined. Going to the extreme of unlearning my old life was radical but then again,
I was able to make it work in my own way. If you are searching, just be aware
everyone’s journey is different but maybe you can make it too if you are
careful. There are huge inherent problems when you decide to forsake your male
privileges and enter a new gender world.