Creative Gender Tensions?

 

Image from Levi Stute
on UnSplash

As I moved along my long and bumpy gender path, seemingly I created many gender tensions which were overblown or not needed at all.

It all started innocently enough when I first caught a glimpse of myself for the first time wearing makeup and a dress in the family's full length hallway mirror. Immediately, I knew I was hooked and could not wait to cross dress again for my own personal pleasure and delight. Sadly, the gender tension began when I could not dress again for a while. All of it sometimes became unbearable when I woke up in the morning not knowing if I wanted to be the boy I had always been, or the girl I was increasingly wanting to be. To say the least, life was very confusing, and I felt I had to be the only person in the world dealing with the same gender issues.

In the pre-internet years (along with social media), I was in the so-called dark ages of information. I had very little in the way of outside information to guide me along or challenge the many new ideas I was considering when it came to my gender life. Everything was out of focus including my sexuality. Did I like girls at all or did I just want to be one. The tension was real but still I kept struggling along trying to be the best male bodied person I could be. 

Then the internet came along and with it, my life was changed forever. Once we could afford a computer, suddenly I found how un-alone I was and how many others there were in the world with similar gender issues to mine. Of course, I was just not content to read about others, I needed to try to interact. I became involved with several early chat rooms which eventually were discovered by my second wife when she learned how to search my browsing history. Even though the great majority of the people I chatted with were not geographically close to me, I found one who was. In fact, he was within fifty miles, so a meeting was certainly possible. That was until my wife found out and an all-new battle broke out over the control of the computer. Until I learned more about erasing my history on the computer, I needed to stay off of it. Which created a new set of gender tensions. 

Living with my tensions became second nature over the years. I followed the same old up and down patterns of being up when I cross dressed, to being down when I was forced back into my male life. I rode the edge of a double-edged sword for years until I finally decided to face the truth about myself and be me. Still, it took me years of careful exploration of my transgender womanhood before I cautiously decided I was on the right path. Once I did, much of my gender tension disappeared and I knew I was making the right move for a change. All that was left was to make the crucial decisions about who I was coming out to and when.  When I did come out, I was met with approval from my daughter and rejection from my brother, so I suppose it could have been better or worse. I still had immediate family when I did it which decreased my tension along with providing me extra confidence in myself, I never had known before. 

By now, perhaps you are wondering where the creative portion of all of this comes in. All the time when I was traveling my gender path to transgender womanhood, there were many chances to zig when I should have zagged, and I ran into problems I needed to get out of. Mostly trying to navigate the problem of expressing my new transgender self while still being involved in a committed relationship. All I can say is somehow I survived and made it to my new life as a trans woman. 

When I did, my tension went away, and I was able to live a life free of gender problems which had plagued me my entire life. The relief was real. 

Transgender Procrastination

 

Image from JJ Hart

During my life, I have developed with an excessive amount of procrastination. Who knows, maybe it started when I put off doing my homework until the last minute. Later on, I began to connect the dots to me pursuing a life as a transgender woman. In other words, why did it take me over a half century to finally decide to leave my male life behind and the confines of my dark gender closet.

The easy answer is I kept putting off what I did not understand or want to face about myself by cross dressing my life away. To be certain, it was a series of stop-gap measures designed to help me survive life at all. When I was able to cross dress in front of the mirror or later at transvestite mixers I attended to see for the first time, others who perhaps shared the same gender views as I did. Ironically, I found I was wrong as I found most of the others at the parties were still a bit (or a lot) different than me. I did not quite fit in with the transsexuals or the cross dressers who were seemingly still stuck with their male selves which they were still attempting to deny. 

Still, I survived and slowly began to carve out my own life on my own terms as a transgender woman. Of course, even then, I still was the mistress of procrastination. Increasingly as I began too seriously explore the world as a transgender woman, I could not procrastinate any further. The result was I needed to merge my conflicting genders the best I could. The holidays proved to be the best time for me to try to do it. 

I have already written about my adventures shopping for my second wife when it came to buying her a matching oak bookcase and my time shopping for the perfect garden accessory. As I have promised in the past, I have not written yet about my times searching the antique malls for the perfect vintage gift for my wife. The added benefit was I could complete my Christmas shopping as a woman.

It just so happens, one of the largest antiques malls in the Midwest where I lived was located in my hometown. It gave me extra time to shop since I did not have to drive far to get there to the mall. I had several favorite things to do once I arrived and made a last second check of my hair and makeup in the car mirror and went on in. The benefit of vintage shopping for my wife was at the same time I could admire myself in one of the many available mirrors of the vintage furniture for sale. 

The furniture was not in my budget but items such as vintage seed boxes were. In fact, during those days, the seed boxes were a hot item for gardeners everywhere, so they were pricey. Still, I persisted until I was lucky to find one from another company, she did not have in my price range. The other benefit of shopping in the antique malls was I could really relax and enjoy the experience. Back then, the feeling of my feminine clothes and the interaction I was having with the public was so new and exciting. Plus, I could not wait to see the look on my wife's face when she opened the gifts I found for her. Back in those days, we had three Christmas gift celebrations. Two with each of our families and one just between ourselves. The giving of gifts between us always came last and always included the gift or gifts she reserved for my feminine self. 

My procrastination always extended to shopping at the last minute. As a trans woman or not. Perhaps I was addicted to the excitement of waiting until the last minute to find and give the perfect gift. All tempered by the fact I was shopping as my true self.

All of the experience added to me not waiting any longer and finally deciding to take a huge weight off my shoulders and do the right thing. Quit trying to live a lie as a man and begin a new life as a transgender woman. Facing my truth led to the end of my gender procrastination. 

Mountain of Hope...Mound of Ash

 

Image from JJ Hart

On occasion when I was following my very long path to transgender womanhood, I did experience enough hope to keep moving forward towards my ultimate goal of living a fulltime feminine life. 

Those were the days I was on top of the world and felt good about my life as a whole. Sadly, too many times my dreams were crushed mainly with me making poor gender decisions. Those were the nights I returned home with tears in my eyes following brutal interactions with the public. I was at the least stared at and at the worst laughed at to my face. Since I had only the mirror to blame for lying to me, I needed to find a better way to improve my presentation as a novice cross dresser or transgender woman. 

Really, the only recourse I had was to keep going out hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Very gradually, out of sheer will power, I did become better at my craft and my confidence grew. I was climbing my mountain of hope and staying there. Sadly, my only mound of ash came when I was discovered by my second wife when I was returning home after a night out. Predictably a massive fight would happen, and feelings would be hurt. It wasn't until years later when I finally had the courage to face my gender truth and finally transition. By that time my wife had passed away and it was a moot point. Following her passing, I found I had another mountain to climb. 

My mountain was one of loneliness. For the first time in over twenty-five years, I was by myself with only my two dogs to take care of. No other person to worry about disappointing with all of my gender adventures. It did not take me long to decide which direction to go with my life. My inner feminine soul was screaming to be let out and for once there was nothing to restrain her. She was my woman, and I was her.  With new enthusiasm, I began to climb again. Sure, there were still setbacks and problems with my new life. A primary example was when I tried to date men and was constantly stood up on potential dates. Fortunately, when I began to be accepted by lesbians, I found I did not need a man to be validated as a woman. 

When I climbed my gender mountain, I began to begin too clearly see what was going on around me. As all the clouds and doubt parted and I could see there was only one path for me to pursue. I finally gave up on my male self, gave away all his clothes, started gender affirming hormones and never looked back. 

When I finally freed myself up to be me, I never had felt better. It was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which I had carried way too long. Since I am afraid of heights, climbing my gender mountain was never easy but I made it. 

Tennis Anyone?

Image from Tony Luginsland
on UnSplash.

 Back when I managed a prominent casual dining/bar venue, we had two women who would frequently come to our bar after finishing their round of tennis. 

Of course, I always noticed and was jealous of their short tennis outfits. I immediately put acquiring some sort of a tennis outfit on my cross dressing to do list. Since I had always admired short mini skirts and dresses on women, finding a short mini white dress to wear as the primary part of a tennis outfit was a priority.

As luck would have it, I found the ideal dress at a women's clothing shop in a mall I always went to. Once I had the white dress, I discovered the rest of the outfit would be fairly easy to put together. I ended up finding an inexpensive pair of white tennis shoes and socks to go with the shoes. The only problem I had then was what I was going to do about the hair on my legs. 

Even though my wife knew I shaved my legs on occasion, she was not overjoyed when I shaved. Primarily because she worried, I was up to no good when I shaved my legs, and she was right. On this occasion, I could not wait to show off my legs and new tennis outfit in one of the malls I always went to. Before I went to the mall, as always, I needed to create the time to do it away from my wife's disapproving eyes. I waited until she was working a day shift, and I began the fairly intense process of shaving my face and legs. 

Once I completed the shave and applied my makeup and hair, I was ready to test out my new tennis look outfit on the world. Immediately, I felt the thrill of my shaved legs in the short white dress I was wearing. So out the door I went into the world. As I arrived in the mall, I noticed my supposedly admiring public was primarily made up of retired men in the mall just to walk and admire the view. Since I was the view, I wore a pair of sunglasses so I could watch their reaction to me without being obvious. It worked and I could see them staring at the tall blond in a tennis outfit.

As I saw it, I received all the pleasure from tennis without putting in all the work. Now all I needed to figure out was how to hide my extra women's clothing. On this occasion, I used a little used closet and hid my new treasured outfit among a set of my old male clothes I never wore. 

For a change, my ideas of how to come as close as I could to learning for myself how a woman would feel in a tennis outfit came together. I could show off my legs and have fun doing it. Plus, I could cross another item off my transgender bucket list. Quickly, I was off to another quest. 

The Double Edged Gender Sword

Image from JJ Hart. Wife Liz on left.

The longer we live as transgender women and trans men, often we find many aspects which represent a double edged sword. 

One of the edges of the sword has to be the duress we feel when at first we arrive in public for the first time. To make matters worse, we have no peer group to help us out of the mirror to be judged by the harsh eyes of the world. No one to tell us we looked clownish as we tried the makeup arts for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I hurried home in tears following being stared at at the least, or laughed out of a venue at the worst.

From it all, I learned to develop a thick skin and always go back to the drawing board as quickly as I could to help solve any presentation problems I might have had. Even when I was doing it, the cross dresser drawing board was certainly difficult to figure out. What happened was, I used the very brief moments of gender euphoria I earned and moved forward attempting to tightrope my way along the sharp edge of my sword. I was risking ridicule at the least and the loss of family, friends and employment at the worst. Failure as a transgender woman was a very real pressure.

Once I began to learn how to present in public more effectively as a transgender woman, I began to use my sword more effectively.  Then the world became much more comfortable for me in my quest to live my femininized dreams. In addition, my makeup arts became better as well as my use of hair to enhance my appearance. 

It bares mentioning also, going through the overall transgender experience, made me a more resilient person and set up to battle the more challenging times we face. I learned in my research transgender folk have always been around and always will be, no matter who tries to erase us. Battling the sword all these years helped me be more secure in my transgender identity. 

In all fairness to my sword, it started out very dull. I worked long and hard to sharpen it by going out in public which was the best indicator of my progress.  So I took all the good and bad and did the best I could with it. All my interaction with the public included the dark evenings when red-necks repeatedly kept playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" on the juke box in a venue where I was a regular. Since management at the time would not support me, I left to find another venue and took my money elsewhere. I was rewarded months later when an employee from the venue I was discouraged from coming to, found me in another venue and invited me back. To make matters even better, the manager who would not back me up was fired for drug use. Excluding a stray bigoted woman in the woman's room, I never had any further problems there again.

Once my gender sword swung back into doses of gender euphoria, I began to appreciate all it had done for me. Transgender womanhood was finally mine to enjoy when I learned I was not a quitter and was in my transition for the long haul. 

Trans Bucket List

 

Image from Pepe Nero on UnSplash.

On my way to achieving my version of transgender womanhood, I started my trans woman bucket list.

It all started on the fateful night when I decided to go out and mingle with a group of professional women as an equal. Not as a man cross dressed in their company to see if I could make it in their world. There was so much else at stake that evening because I knew if I was successful, I could never go back to just living my life as a man. 

Once I was successful, I began to think of  things I could accomplish as a trans woman to add to my bucket list. Once I was accepted as a regular in one venue, could I possibly add another to increase where I could go to add variety to my evenings. For the most part I was successful in being accepted. Even to the point of being thrust into a diverse small group of acquaintances I could regularly socialize with. The group included the sister of one of the bartenders, a lesbian, a couple men and an exotic dancer to name a few. All of this occurred before I met the transgender woman and two lesbians I socialized with on a regular basis.

Also on my bucket list at the time was how was I going to handle my sexuality with men. I almost found out when I became attracted to one of the men in the group. Or should I say he was becoming intrigued with me. All the way to him seeking me out on the nights when I was there all alone. I felt comfortable talking to him and even enjoyed his company before he switched jobs and abruptly moved away. It turned out there were very few men on my bucket list but even so, there were a couple which left a deep impression on me. 

Both of the men were met through social media dating sites and happened after I sorted through an amazing amount of trash responses. Because I was careful to meet any responders in a setting I approved of, we met in my regular venues I felt safe in. Both treated me with respect and I leaned a little of how it would be to interact with an interested man as a woman as I was wined and dined. It was terrifying and exciting at the same time. I still remember both dates and how special I felt but on the other hand, I never really lost my attraction to women. As impossible at it seemed to me at the time, I was headed towards being a transgender lesbian...if I could be accepted. 

I continued my quest for a new bucket list as I learned how to be a woman from other women. It seemed nightly I was learning new ideas such as I did not need a man to be validated in my new life. The lesbians I were around were both very strong and confident in their own right, so I could be also. 

Then, there was my relationship with my wife Liz which has been going on for over thirteen years now. I never though I would find another person who would be serious enough about me to want to build a relationship at my age. But I did and amazingly, Liz found me on a dating site defying all odds. 

Just when I thought I was done with my bucket, it became filled with happiness and I hope to keep it that way. 

Now What?

 

Image from JJ Hart

As I cautiously discovered I could make it in the world as a transgender woman, rapidly I kept coming to the conclusion of now what.

How would I face a whole new life without the old male standbys to fall back on. I had taken the time and effort to build a family, friends and a fairly successful job which I had to possibly give up. Naturally, I spent hours, days and weeks trying to figure out what I would do once I entered fulltime transgender womanhood. I had long since passed the point of just being satisfied with existing as a part-time cross dresser. 

Ironically, every time I was successful in public as a novice trans woman, I wondered now what I  have I done and what was next in my life. The problem was, I had several major roadblocks which were looming in my life, such as helping to care for aging parents and a spouse who was totally against me transitioning any further than I was. To diminish the impact of all the gender stress I was dealing with, I did what many males try to do and internalize all of my problems. Even though I was going out as much as I could as my authentic feminine self, the fact remained I would have to go back to my old unwanted male life sooner more than later. As Paula from the UK put it in response to a previous post:

"For me it was the depression that followed "putting Paula back in her box", each time I went back to being "him" it was like a bereavement, in the end it was bowing to the inevitable. Arguably transition was the most selfish thing I have done, but like so many others I was insufferable trying to maintain my male persona, in the end it wasn't so much choosing my feminine side as choosing life."

Similar to Paula, the entire transition process for me came down to life and death for me. Like so many other transgender women or trans men, I attempted suicide to relieve myself of the brutal gender related stress I was feeling. Fortunately now, I was unsuccessful and lived to write about the experience. In fact, it was one of the reasons I began to author a blog.  In order to help others. 

Perhaps you are wondering how now what worked following my attempt at self harm. I still was not smart enough to listen to my inner female and tried to purge my fairly extensive feminine wardrobe and makeup. It was during this time too, I began to notice my second wife's health was slipping badly and she would end up passing away at the age of fifty.

Then I really entered the now what part of my life. The door had suddenly opened for me to live my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. I followed my soul and began gender affirming hormones at the age of sixty and never looked back.

All the days of wondering now what were behind me. All the risks I took were with it as I began to happily live an authentic life. And, by the way, Paula thank you for the comment and thanks to all of you reading along. 

The Second Time Around

 

Image from JJ Hart.

Not many humans have the opportunity to stop their life and begin again as a new person unless they are up to no good.

Perhaps it is one of the reasons so many people do not accept or try to understand the transgender community. Or then again, they are secretly jealous. Regardless, it is up to all trans women and trans men to attempt to live their second life to the fullest. 

Often, living a transgender life is easier said than done. We all have to remember all the opportunities in life we needed to give up to achieve our gender goals. Opportunities some take for granted who are not at risk of losing spouses, family or employment. I know in my case, any or all of the chances to lose everything was a very real deal. I was fortunate when I lived long enough to see destiny re-open closed doors in my life.

Following a very dark period of losing loved ones to death, just in time I was able to find others to fill the void as I was so very lonely. In many ways, I was a social creature and if possible I wanted to remain that way. Naturally, when I started my path into transgender womanhood, I needed to learn and perfect an entire new set of feminine social skills. It was all so very intimidating. Especially when so many women wanted to know more about me and what I was doing in their world. It was a shock to my system how different my world became so quickly. Gender learning became a priority over just going out to be by myself. 

Deep down I knew I had to learn from my first go around in life as a man and learn from it. Even though I was never a toxic male, there were instances of life I would like to have back. Such as the times when toxic males were attempting to have their way with women. What I did do was observe how women handled it which helped me out in the future. 

All in all, following several rough patches at the beginning of my new life, the second time around was exciting yet terrifying to me. Primarily because my inner feminine soul was just waiting to have her chance to take over my life. It turned out, she was not scared at all. It was my old male self who was frightened about losing his life as he knew it. 

The whole process set into motion a secure second time around in life for me. Being secure led me to a new found confidence in life I had never know before. At the age of sixty, I was able to begin gender affirming hormones and really kickstart my second time around. External changes to my body helped me to present better in the world and internal changes helped me to feel much more femininized than I had ever had before. 

Most certainly, the second time around for me opened my eyes to a life I only had dreamed of. Destiny allowed me to accomplish my dreams and all I needed to do was reach out and grab it.     

Trans Girl in a Sports Bar

Archived Image, JJ Hart with wife Liz on left 
and daughter  Andrea on right. 

 I have documented several times how I came to be accepted as a regular in a couple sports bars I was familiar with as a guy.

In many ways I was forced into the path I was taking. I did not particularly enjoy the atmosphere I was facing in the male orientated gay bars I was going to. I did not like the music usually and especially did not like it when I was treated like a drag queen. Even though I was not dressed extravagantly like queens did. 

As time went by and I tired of even fighting for a drink at the bar, I decided it was time for a change. To do so, I decided to go back to what was familiar, if I could do it. To be sure, I needed to find out if I presented well enough to get by in a totally new environment except it wasn't. As I previously said, I had been in many sports bars as a guy, so I knew to be friendly, smile and tip well. What I did not count on was how fast I would be remembered in these venue's as a transgender woman. It seemed as fast as two visits in a place, I was remembered and could go from there. Of course the problem was, building a whole new feminine person nearly from scratch. 

I discovered the whole process was relatively easy as I was there to start with to watch the sports on big screen televisions and drink a few beers at the same time. Outside of the staff, I rarely had any interaction with anyone else. 

In the meantime, the lesbian bars I used to go to were disappearing rapidly. For the most part lesbian bars have remained an endangered species until recently. In fact, I saw a story about new women's sports bars which are popping up  now around the country. Without actually mentioning any lesbians by name, it featured one bar opening up by two married women (to each other). In other scenes from the venues, the look of the clientele suspiciously reminded me of the lesbian bars I visited years ago.  

I also was remined of a women's roller skating match I went to with three of my lesbian friends in Cincinnati, Ohio. The crowd that day was overwhelmingly women including me. We all drank one dollar beers and watched women roller skate around and around. Outside of a few side looks, I survived and had a great time. 

These days, with the advent of women's basketball and soccer, not to mention college sports on the regional level, women's sports are really booming. A great time to mesh in your love of sports as a man with your  new life as a transgender woman. It is not unusual these days for a woman, trans or not to be seen in a sports bar and also makes it much easier for transwomen everywhere to carry with them a major portion of their previous lives. I know I was really stressed if I would have to lose my love and knowledge of sports when I transitioned.

On whatever level you consider, even though new women sports bar are not referred to as lesbian bars, they still focus on the success of women everywhere.

Having an Affair

Image from Susan G Komen
on Unsplash

Years ago I experienced having an affair during my marriage  with my second wife. 

Before you condemn me any more than I condemn myself,  the affair I am talking about was with myself. That is right, myself. It happened when my feminine inner soul began to take over my life. What I was doing at the time was rejecting the pledge I had made to her to never leave the house cross dressed again. I became so entranced with how natural I felt in my transgender womanhood, I left the house any chance I could which was often. It turned out, the more exploration I went through, the more I wanted to do. Seemingly nothing was out of reach in the new exciting gender world I found myself in. Sadly, even to the point of leaving the vows I made with my wife behind. 

Let me point out also, I had never stepped away from my marriage during the twenty-five years before to be with another woman. Imagine my shock when I finally did, the other woman would turn out to be me. 

As is the case with many affairs, the passion was real in the beginning. Then begins to lessen overtime. In my case, the opposite happened. The more I explored and lived as a transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. I had a real problem on my hands on what was I going to do. On one hand, my wife had told me in no uncertain terms she would not live with another woman and on the other, I did not have the courage to tell her she already was. If I had faced reality, I would have known it was time to jump off the old male ship and begin to live a new life in a feminine world. Even though most likely, it would have cost me our marriage, perhaps we could have at least become friends in the future if she had lived. You see, she died of a massive heart attack at the age of fifty. 

The only thing I did do out of desperation was try to purge myself of most of my female belongings before she passed away and I even grew a beard. It turned out to be my last tribute to her and the years we had together. 

As with all purges, they don't last for long and one of the first things I did was shave off the beard and turn inward to myself in the lonely tragic days after her death. It took awhile but my inner female took control and let me know everything would be fine. Finally I decided she was right and decided to give up all the guilt I was carrying over the affair I had with myself. 

Once I did, my new life as a transgender woman took over. I found new friends and moved on but it took me five plus years to do it. In the meantime, I found all the work I needed to do to play in the girls' sandbox was worth it. I needed to be better than the average cis-woman to survive in the world I chose to live in. I found a woman's life had so many layers to it, I faced a real challenge. As big a challenge as having an affair in your marriage. With yourself.

Was there Ever a Plan

Image from the JJ Hart
Archives

Looking back, I needed a very definite plan to follow as I transitioned into transgender womanhood. 

Similar to so many of you, I started by "borrowing" a few of my Mom's clothing when I could still fit into them. I would have added a sister in but I did not have one. When I became old enough to do it, I took on a newspaper delivery route in my neighborhood and combined my new meager funds with the allowance I received at home from my parents and with the money, I was able to buy a few clothes and my own makeup. Since we lived in a rural area outside of town, the plan was to stay a day or two with my Grandma who lived very close to stores *downtown where I could attempt to shop for what I wanted. The problem with the well thought out plan was my Dad worked downtown too and he was the last person I wanted to run into with my new "treasures." 

After I conquered my fear of shopping for cosmetics I did not really need, I was able to buy makeup which did not make me look like a clown. Another problem I had was, the only example I had of applying makeup came when I was able to watch my Mom do it. I wonder if she noticed me watching her. She was probably so entranced in her face, she did not notice I was entranced also. 

The older I became, the more entrenched the plan became. I was able to increase my small "collection" of feminine wardrobe and makeup as I went along and managed to hide it from my brother and the rest of my family. At the same time, I wanted to become better at the makeup arts and finding clothes which fit me. 

At the same time, I became comfortable with how I looked in the mirror and increasingly had thoughts of expanding into the world. I did try to come out fully dressed to one of the very few male friends who lived close by in the neighborhood but was quickly rejected and I scurried back into my dark, lonely gender closet. I stayed in the closet until several Halloween parties began to bring me out. From then on out, my plans really began to change.

During the parties, I learned how much I enjoyed my time out of the closet and I just knew I needed to figure out a way to live as a transgender woman without waiting for a whole year to go by. To do it, I knew I would need to start by telling my spouse what I was up to. So the plan was to find out what wife number one and two thought about me being a cross dresser before we were even married. It turned out wife one did not care and wife two was supportive to an extent which helped me along. 

The main rule I had with wife two was to never leave the house dressed as a woman. I started innocently enough before I veered off course and threatened our marriage of twenty-five years. I began going to women's clothing stores and malls where acceptance was easy to come by. Money was certainly more important than gender. I also would go to bookstores and even antique malls where I could browse with no problems to build my confidence. When my spirits went up, I planned ahead for my next big adventure which usually meant beginning to interact with more of the world as a transgender woman.

To do it, I began to stop and eat at restaurants along the way to make sure I had to communicate one on one with a server or bartender. Since I had an extensive background in the restaurant/bar business, I knew basically what I needed to do to survive. Just be nice, do not cause any trouble and tip well and I could be successful. 

From then on, I endlessly planned on what I was going to to next and how I could challenge myself in the feminine world. Sometimes I was successful, sometimes I was not but I always learned from the experience. In my life as a man, I had never really planned ahead on anything, so this was a big difference. Perhaps it was because I could not wait to try again to live out my dream of transgender womanhood.

*Those were the days of strong vibrant downtowns in many cities, including mine. Before malls took over and they tore the downtowns apart. 

All I Ever Knew

Circa 1940 image
of Virginia Prince

 Every once in a while I receive the question when did I know I was transgender.

The easy answer is I always knew but I needed to figure it all out. The more complex answer is I needed to figure it out after a series of transitions during my life. Two major ones occurred when I made the jump from from a very serious cross dresser all the way to a novice transgender woman. The second problem I had was back in those days, terminology to define a transgender woman or man had not yet been invented. Basically back in the pre-internet days when all we had was the preaching of Virginia Prince and her Transvestia publication which I could not wait to receive in the mail. Seeing all the pretty cross dressers just made me want to do more to improve my feminine appearance.   

I worked harder on my appearance than any thing I had ever done before and slowly began to see improvement over my testosterone damaged male body. It was all I ever knew. 

As I entered my transgender womanhood, I felt deep down inside I was doing all the right things, even though I was jeopardizing all the facets of my male life I had worked so hard to put together. What would I do when my family, friends and bosses discovered my deep secret. It ran so much deeper than just wanting to wear women's clothing. I wanted to be a woman and live a feminine life. 

During that portion of my life, I basically went into attack mode, doing every thing I could to learn how being a transgender woman would affect me. Every free moment I had, either I was out in the world as a woman or day dreaming of the times when I could. Naturally, I learned a lot, good and bad about what life had in store for me if I kept on going towards my gender dreams. I found the grass wasn't always going to be greener on the other side of the gender border as I lost all of my male privileges but hadn't gained any of the female ones. 

Soon I learned, it was truly all I ever knew. Somehow I was born to be feminine and not masculine. Which meant years of struggle to right the gender wrongs I was living. The struggles on occasion were crushing and keeping going was very difficult but I did. Probably because I was behind before I even started. I was born into a very male dominated family which had very few girls to play with. Plus, I never had any feminine characteristics myself to begin with. Add it all up, then include me never having any girl time with anyone all teamed up for a rough start for me on my gender journey.

Even still, my gender path was all I ever knew and staying on it finally made me successful. 

It is In Your Nature

Image from Hannah Popowoski on 
UnSplash

Following my fifty year battle with my gender issues, I just gave up and went with what felt so natural to me and completed my transition into transgender womanhood.

It was certainly a long drawn out journey of self discovery. It was full of ups and downs as I gained my footing along with confidence as I learned to just be myself. Looking back, I don't know what took me so long. Perhaps I can blame it on my male self wanting to hold on to the lifestyle he worked so hard to survive in. He put up quite the battle before giving in. But give in he finally did. 

When I finally began to explore the world, I learned how much of it was run by women and in order for me to survive, I needed to get along one on one with the other women around me since men rarely showed me any interest as a person. Women on the other hand were curious why I was in their world and I was somehow valued for being there. Perhaps it was my honesty showing through, which I gained from jumping the gender border into their world. I don't know for sure but I loved the attention I was getting. 

It was in my nature, because I had always valued the women friends I had over the very few men friends I ever was capable of having. I just did not fully ever recognize why until I was fully allowed to play in the girl's sandbox. Before I was allowed in though, I needed to earn my way in. I had to show my true nature was feminine and I needed to learn the rules of a brand new gender game. For example, I found myself in a world where passive aggressiveness ruled and a smiling face did not mean it was a friendly face. Much different in the world of men I was used to. It all was more of a mental game than I was used to also as I tried to anticipate where another woman was coming from. Especially when I came down to interacting with their men. On a few occasions, I came too close and felt the claw marks down my back for doing so.

The whole process just made me stronger and more confident in the woman I was becoming. Quickly I felt as comfortable in the new world I was in as I learned how the gender game was played. Women are more apt to form cliques than men who form teams and instead of finding the alpha male for acceptance, I needed to find the alpha female who was running the clique and I was in. 

Once I was in, my life became so much easier. Primarily because I did not have to fight being two genders anymore and the inner woman I was hiding for so long had her chance to run the show. She took to the process naturally. The only thing she did not do was harass me about why it took me so long for her to take over. Which she had every right to do. More importantly, I found she was a good person and got along with people including the all important world of other women. Essentially I found I good set and enjoy the show.

Of course before I could enjoy the show, I needed to understand the process of how to blend in with the world as a transgender woman. It was difficult putting my old male ego aside and realizing I was never going to be the most attractive woman in the room, I could present well enough to survive if I had the confidence to do so. 

What I really learned was, it was all in my nature to do so and if I relied upon it, I would be fine.

Breaking the Gender Chains

 

Image from Arlem Lambunsky
on UnSplash.

For years and years I blamed myself for my transgender issues. 

I did not have access to the proper information to know otherwise. I thought somehow I was addicted to seeing myself in the mirror as a femininized person. The chains of being a male person weighed heavily on me. It was not until much later in life that I had the chance to learn I was completely wrong and I had never really had the choice to attempt to break all the chains which were restricting my life. All of this occurred in the pre-internet years and it was not until I bought my first computer did I finally began to see there were others just like me who struggled the same way in life.

At approximately the same time, I began to meet more and more diverse individuals in the new LGBTQ community. Primarily, I learned the difference between cross dressers and transgender women and men. Those involved in pursuing a life in transgender womanhood were much more serious than the average cross dresser who was actively embracing how they appeared as a woman. I was able to meet several impossibly feminine transgender women who embraced being a woman, not just looking like one. At the time I was intimidated and wondered if I could ever make the jump myself. Plus, I knew before I attempted such a radical move, I had quite a bit of work to do on myself.

I became the mistress of excuses of why I could not break my gender chains and move forward into the great unknown. What would I do about the remnants of my male life and what if anything would I do about my sexuality among with other important parts of my life. One thing I knew for certain was my desire to live as a fulltime transgender woman was more than an addiction because the process felt so natural and affirming. The entire process was stressful and damaging to my mental health because I was firmly stuck between the two main binary genders.  I would have not wished the stress I was feeling on my biggest enemy and the worst part of it all was  how I needed to internalize my feelings to the world. 

Life was so black and white at the time. Half of the time I was in the darkness of being chained to the wall of my old male life as I daydreamed of the lighter times when I could explore again and again the times I had as a woman. 

Through new woman friends and a good therapist, I was able to break out of my old gender chains and live my dream. Proving time and time again I was living the life I was meant to live. In no way did I have any lasting attraction to just wearing woman's clothes. The clothes were just a larger indication of how I wanted to live my life and were an external view to the world  which enabled me to open gender doors which were previously closed to me. 

I could not believe after the chains were broken and the new doors were opened, how much brighter my world became. Somedays I wonder if the wait was worth it. 

Outreach the Easy Way

 

Out with my wife Liz
on left.

Last night, I took Liz and her son out to a steak house for her belated birthday dinner. She is a big fan of a good steak. 

To show you how popular the place is, we needed to wait for an hour for a table. There were not even any seats in the waiting area, so we had to wait outside on a solid metal seat. Fortunately,  the weather was unseasonably warm and dry so all we had to do was watch the other customers come and go. By doing so, I was able to notice the amount of fancy pickup trucks in the parking lot. A fancy pickup truck in my mind will forever tell me the driver is a fan of the new president I dearly dislike so I wondered if I would face any negative feedback from being transgender in the restaurant.

Once we finally made it into the venue, the pressure was on to see what everyone else thought of me. My fears proved to be unfounded. Even though the other people in the lobby had nothing else to do but to people watch, nobody zeroed in on me. I was essentially invisible to the world which is what I wanted. Men, women and children ignored me as they fidgeted, all waiting for a seat.

To be sure, it was not always this easy for me. I went through years learning the art of makeup and fashion I needed to transition out of a male world and into a feminine one. I was stared at the least and laughed at the worst when I went out to eat. All along I was a woman on the inside just waiting to get out. I was in my own version of gender heaven and hell. It all paid off when I have experiences such as last night but sadly I still have scars from unpleasant past experiences. 

By this time, you may be thinking I am a person with a huge trans ego problem. My second wife was fond of  telling me my femininized life was not all about me. She in most senses was not wrong, I was going all out to be the best cross dresser or novice transgender woman I could be and I needed to watch the room and other people around me to judge how I was doing. There simply was no room for anything else in my life on most days. 

It took me years to learn to relax and enjoy my new transgender womanhood as I was too busy still trying to read the people around me. Last night was one of those rare evenings I could relax mainly because I felt I looked nice, sounded confident and even felt physically better which all contributed to a fun evening. A good night of transgender outreach to all those pickup drivers who saw us portrayed as monsters during the previous election. As I look to the future while I process my past. 

What did I wear? My The Ohio State University sweatshirt, jeans and tennis shoes to blend in with all the other Ohio State fans in the venue wearing their fan gear. However, I did step up my hair and makeup with eye makeup, foundation and lipstick. So I wasn't a total plain jane. 

Whatever it took, I needed to blend in with the masses at the steakhouse and I did, they were not interested in me which was good. Outreach invisibility at it's finest.

If You can see it You Can be It

 

Image from Trans Ohio party JJ Hart.

Long ago, when I first glimpsed myself in the mirror as a feminine person, very soon I realized just seeing myself was not enough, I wanted to be the girl I was watching. 

In the classic if I had known then what I know now, I would have known then I was less of a cross dresser and more of a transgender woman. Way before the term transgender was ever used. Now more than ever before, it is time for us to blend in with the public at large as transgender women or trans men. We just have to be better and better.

Fortunately, I had years of preparation to be ready to face the world. Since I had plenty of testosterone poisoning to overcome, there was work to be done and I needed the courage to do it. Along the way, I viewed the whole process as stairsteps towards what I perceived as an impossible dream of transgender womanhood. Facing the world with confidence was my biggest problem. Every time I took a positive step forward when I went out in the world as a novice transgender woman, it seemed then I faced several steps back. When I was on point with my fashion and makeup, I lost it with my voice. Or vice versa on other days when I caught myself slipping back into my old male ways and walking like a linebacker. Adding to my problems was I was still trying to maintain a life stuck between the two main binary genders which made my existence even more difficult. I needed to consciously think all of the time which gender I was dealing with the world as. I was in.

Very slowly, I worked through this phase of my life and found women friends who I could learn from. I learned I could relax with them while at the same time learning how it was in woman only spaces. At the time, when I looked in the mirror, I was seeing it and being it which felt wonderful and so natural I knew I was in the right place. For the first time in my life, I thought my dream of leading a feminine life could be realized.  

Through it all, I still needed to work on my makeup and fashion skills to blend in with what my lesbian friends were wearing. It was a challenge because I needed to look as if I was not wearing any makeup at all when I was. I needed to work harder than the average woman to succeed in the world. By this time, I was used to it and worked hard to instill confidence in what I was doing with my gender goals since there was so much at stake. I was playing a high risk game with my life. Was the grass really greener on the other side of the gender border. 

I found out indeed the grass was greener but often not so easy to enjoy. I met more than a few women who did not want me in their world and did not hold back on their dislike for me. When they did, I needed to quickly pull the knife out of my back, smile and move on to friendlier situations. 

By this time, I was so close to seeing my dream goal of transgender womanhood, I pushed on even harder. I started gender affirming hormones with my doctor's approval. When I did, the changes came quickly and naturally as my body adapted to the new feminine hormones. Predictable changes such as hair and breast growth were quickly proceeded by inner changes with emotions as my life suddenly became softer. With my softer skin my facial changes were fairly dramatic and I knew then I could see it and be it.

As with any other long journey, you wonder was it worth the time and effort. With me the trip from the mirror into the world and beyond was just finding my true self. 

Reaching Out for Truth

 

Image from Jen Theodore
on UnSplash.

As I transitioned into my form of transgender womanhood, first I needed to find my own truth. In order to do it, I was placed in a dilemma. 

The dilemma was I needed to make sure my gender journey was taking me in the right direction. I needed to make a huge life changing decision so I needed time and experience to make certain I was taking my life in the right direction since essentially I was risking everything to do it. In other words I needed confidence. 

Gaining confidence proved to be a fragile thing to find. I would have it following a successful day out away from the mirror as a novice transgender woman when I seemed to do everything right. My makeup, wardrobe and wig were on point and I even carried myself fairly well. I was building the life I always had dreamed of and seemed to be within reach until the next time I went out and everything crashed and burned. Either I did something very unrealistic and was laughed at or my overall appearance just wasn't right. Whatever the problem was, my fragile confidence was shattered. And, as we all know, confidence is our most powerful accessory. Humans are similar to sharks, if they perceive something is wrong with you, chances are the other human could act on it. A big turning point for me was when I arrived at the point where I did not care what anyone else thought of me. 

Actually, let me re-phrase that. I did not care what men thought of me because for the most part they had all felt as if I was from another planet anyway and wanted nothing to do with me. On the other hand, I did care what other women thought about me. Since I needed other women's acceptance to exist in the same world they were in, I needed their approval. In order to survive, I needed to be honest to myself which in turn, made me honest to them. I was not hiding anything. I was upfront on what I was trying to achieve which was to give up my old life as a man. Very quickly I learned I appealed to more women as a friend than I ever had as a man. I thoroughly enjoyed my learning curve as a transgender woman and wanted to build on my truth even more.

Even still, on occasion, I was still having issues with living my truth. My biggest hurdle to conquer was myself. I was the last to know my truth because I hid it all so well. To my everlasting shame, I even lied excessively to my second wife about what I was really doing while she was working at night. So, by osmosis, I was lying to the two closest people to me. Something I am certainly not proud of. However, I am proud of the fact I did reach out and grasped my truth during my long life. 

It took me long enough to do it. I struggled for over fifty years as a cross dresser and went through so many stages of attempting to figure out who I really was. I was so much more than a man who liked to wear women's clothes, I wanted to be a transwoman wearing women's clothes. Once I learned this major truth about my life, finally everything came into focus. 

What I Really Learned at Halloween

Kenny Eliason image from UnSplash.

 Sadly, since I have lived over ten years as a full-time transgender woman, Halloween has become just another day to pass out candy to any kids who may come by the house. The neighborhood is becoming older and we don't have the influx of kids we used to have years ago.

Regardless, I still have fond memories of when I went all out for Halloween. I used the experience as a testing ground to see if I could actually go out into the world as a woman and live. Throughout the month, I have focused on several Halloween adventures I had. When I first started, I thought dressing sexy would validate myself as a woman. Then I started to tone down my "costumes" all the way to going to the last party I remember dressed in feminine business casual attire which I was used to presenting in the upscale malls I was going to. 

The party itself was sort of a who's who of invitees held at a real live Victorian mansion in a restoration district in the town I lived in. I received my invitation because I was a fairly well known radio disc jockey in town at the time and happened to know the couple putting on the party. I knew immediately what I wanted to wear and just needed to decide who I wanted to invite to come with me. I knew my first wife was not into Halloween and wouldn't care if I invited someone else to go with me, so I invited the news-woman where I worked to go instead. An example of how easy going my wife really was. I always thought if I told her I was leaving for a month for gender realignment surgery, it would be fine with her. So the stage was set to be out and about as my authentic self. No playing around with a "costume", I wanted to be mistaken for the real deal.

Since there are no pictures from the party, my outfit consisted of a business suit, heels and blond shoulder length wig. Needless to say, my wife was not surprised but my date was completely. Mainly because of my shaved legs and how well I walked in the heels. When we arrived, thankfully, parking spots were not a problem and at the door, a coffin with a real skeleton greeted us . The mansion was really decorated well and we found a seat. 

Predictably, as the night went by, no one knew who I was and I blended in as a woman who arrived late from work and did not have a chance to find a costume. I was having a great time, when another couple came up and said how impressed they were with the way I looked and they thought I was a woman. Furthermore they were leaving soon to go to another party and wanted to know if we or I wanted to go along. Even though I was extremely flattered I turned them down but not before I found out who they were. The couple was a young congressman and his wife, leaving very soon to go back to Washington, DC. So I guess I destroyed any chance I had at a political career. 

What I really learned that Halloween was I could step out into the world as my authentic feminine self and survive. Very much worth all the time and effort I had put into to being a girl over the years. And, as far as the news-woman went, she never said a word.  

I guess you can say with out a doubt although the thrill is gone for my Halloween, the day more than any other one in my life served a wonderful need when I did not have any other outlet.

Set Her Free

Image from JJ Hart

Throughout my long life, which included fifty years of being a cross dresser, I could feel the stress and tension of not freeing my inner girl.

It all started innocently enough with trips in front of our family mirror in clothes I had borrowed from my Mom. Of course that all ended when I outgrew her sizes and I needed to strike out on my own to find fashion which fit. With my meager allowance and money I made from delivering newspapers to the neighborhood, I managed to get by and buy a few items to add to my wardrobe which then I needed to carefully hide away from my family.  Somehow I survived and my life as a male set in, no matter how much I did not want it to. 

The gender stress and tension continued over the years and even became worse with every success I had when I tried to set my inner self free. It finally became evident my entire gender life was backwards, I was not a man cross dressing as a woman, I was a woman cross dressing as a man and it was no wonder I was feeling the confusion and pain. I would not have wished the mental anguish I felt on my worst enemy. I found being transgender was far from being a choice and somehow I needed to set her free.

The problem was, I needed to face the same set of hurdles transgender women and trans men face. Such as family or spouses, friends and occupations. The longer you go in life, the more gender baggage you acquire, the more you have to get rid of. Or figure out how much you can keep. My prime example always is how I was able to maintain my love of sports when I fully transitioned into transgender womanhood. I had help when I learned the women around me loved sports as much as I did and I felt right at home. It was easier to set my woman free. 

Finally, I arrived at the point where I could take it no longer. I ended up living more time as a trans woman than I did as my old male self. So much so, I was feeling totally out of place in a male world as a guy and would have rather attacked it as a woman. Plus I still had the age old problems of doing my best appearance wise as a feminine person. I began by losing nearly fifty pounds and taking better care of my skin on a daily basis and worked my way forward from there. Through days of trial and error, I was able to arrive at a point where I could provide a reasonable attempt at presenting as myself on a regular basis. The key was to settle in to what myself should look like which meant stopping doing things such as switching wigs on a regular basis. Finding who I was proved to be the key to setting myself free.

Once I did manage to set my dominant self free, she did all the rest. I learned to keep my old male self out of the way and let her go. Among other things, she picked my friends and lover and opened the door to a life I never thought possible.

It was like she was saying I told you so and should have done it sooner. 

Fall Leaves

Image from Alisa Anton
on UnSplash. 

I write substantially how fall is my favorite season of the year. I love the cooler temperatures, wardrobe changes and how the trees change into their brilliant colors. All before the colors go away and drab winter sets in.

Long ago, I felt all the seasonal changes deep down to my inner soul. Of course as a novice transgender woman the wardrobe fashion changes were challenging and fun. I learned I needed to look ahead for the best clothing bargains if I was to be successful in locating all the fashion firsts in sizes that fit me. After a few seasonal changes, I began to feel so natural, I automatically felt the changes coming on. Fall was especially fun when it was time to go through all of my leggings, boots and sweaters to see what I would have to add or subtract to make it through another season.

Even though fashion changes were exciting and fun, other aspects of the season just brought about melancholy depression. I vividly remember the nights when I went out and just drove around in my car watching all the leaves blow around in the headlights. Here I was still stuck in a gender I did not want to have anything to do with and not seeing a way out. Very soon, the fun of fall would turn into the depression of winter for me. My final fall before leaving for Army basic training was especially bad because I knew for a fact I would not be able to do anything about my transgender desires for a very long three years of my life. It seemed so unfair my new life into transgender womanhood would have to be put on hold through no fault of my own. I was bitter. 

Little did I know, after waiting over two years out of three in the Army, karma would come back to help me. During my last year I learned of a Halloween party which was being planned by a hospital group which my friends and I were invited to. Immediately my mind jumped to the possibility of me dressing up as a woman and going. Of course the problem arose how was I going to do it because I did not want to go halfway. I wanted to be the sexiest dressed woman at the party. Fortunately, I had access to an apartment where I could finally shave my legs and put on makeup with a wig I managed to buy at a downtown Stuttgart, Germany shop where I was stationed. Through it all, I knew I was risking harassment or worse by my superiors in the Army if the word got out about my so called "costume" which may have been a little too good. But nothing ever happened.

In fact, because of the Halloween party, my life changed nearly full circle that fall. A couple of days after the party, when my closest friends gathered once again over potent, tasty German beer I blurted out the costume I wore was more than a casual fun idea I came up with on the spur of the moment. I was a transvestite as we were known back in those days and I enjoyed wearing women's clothes, makeup and wigs. I knew at the time, again I would be risking what was left of the time I had left in the Army if what I said found it's way into the wrong hands. It did not matter at the time as the first time I left my gender closet felt so good. So good, I tried to come out to my Mom who promptly slammed me back into my closet. 

All of this happened during the fall which still remains my favorite season of the year. As a  transgender woman, I appreciate the re-birth of spring but summer is too hot and winter is too long and drab. It's why fall leaves are so important to me.