Torn Between Two Lovers

 

Image from Hanna Lazar
on UnSplash. 

There is nothing romantic when you are being torn between two lovers if you are a transgender woman or a transgender man.

For me at least, I would never have wished for the ripping and tearing I suffered from the gender dysphoria I suffered from on my worst enemy. Waking up each morning wondering which gender I would be today was certainly no walk in the park. if I did take a walk in the park, it would be a mental one, and I would be chased by my demons.

As I write about extensively, I was stuck in my dark lonely gender closet as I felt as if I was the only one in the world who felt the same way I did. It was back before the internet and social media days and any information on gender issues was difficult to come by or out and out false. For the longest time, I just did not know where I fit in the world as a man who wanted to be a woman.

The tearing became even worse when one of my identities started to surge ahead of the other. It happened when my daughter was born and I had to get much more serious about how I was going to build a career as a man. Only to be ripped back when I viewed myself as a trans woman in front of the mirror. I only had the annual Halloween parties to get out of my closet and see what the world would be all about if I had the chance to live my dream of going full-time.

The thing about dreams is that they are a long way from reality. Reality meant I needed to go a very long way to learn about what I was trying to achieve. Back in those days, the term transgender woman was brand new and barely used, so I was surprised when I discovered it and it fit me so well. Keep in mind that I could only refer to myself as a transvestite because I knew I was not ready to use the transsexual label then or ever. If I had the will power to go through the major gender realignment surgeries of the time, I certainly did not have the insurance coverage or the financial resources to do it myself. Again, I was just stuck between two genders, but at the least I had a label now for who I was.

The ripping and tearing managed to become even worse when I began to improve my feminine presentation to the point where I could blend in with the world of ciswomen around me. Every time it happened, my male self would become upset because he was losing his hold on my life. As it was becoming increasingly evident that someday, I would have to choose between my two very serious gender lovers.

At the same time, I was trying everything to maintain my already fragile mental health by going to therapists. By doing so, I was able to learn what being bi-polar depressed meant and why I was suffering from it. All along, I was blaming my severe depression on my gender issues when I had other often more pressing issues. At the same time, I was ignoring facts from my therapist that she could do nothing about me wanting to be a woman. It turned out to be my truth that I refused to follow. Instead, I tried to move on. Going the wrong way on a one-way gender street. Dodging the sometimes-toxic public became too much of me until I began to give up totally on my male side and concentrate on living my dream of being a transfeminine person.

I never labored under the idea that my life in the world as a trans woman would be easy but I never bargained for the complexity of the new life I was facing. It seemed that every time I was able to overcome one obstacle on my path, something new would appear to take its place. Like never before, I had to really listen to what people were telling me, so I would miss nothing in the conversation. I found that trying to live in a world of ciswomen meant more than just looking the part. I needed to be the part too. Always before as a man, it was easy for me as a man to zone out in conversations and then catch up when I wanted to, but impossible when I began communicating one on one with other women.

Of course, my male side always hated losing, and every time my female side showed any victories, he hated it and fought back harder. As he was trying everything, he knew how to maintain what was left of his life. To placate him, I would try to do as many male things I could such as drinking with the few true male friends he had left. The problem was even he was beginning to feel alienated from his old friends as they started to pass away from cancer. At the same time, my feminine self was very successful in carving out a new life she could sustain as well as feeling so natural doing it. It was becoming obvious as the ripping and tearing (and even a large part of my depression) began to go away that I had chosen the right path to take on my gender journey.

At the same time, I began to consider attempting to get approved for gender affirming hormones or HRT. First through an independent doctor and then through the Veterans Administration healthcare system which had just approved it. It was as if the long-closed doors which were preventing me from living my transgender dream were suddenly swinging wide open. From then on, the only ripping going on was over what male baggage I could not take with me into my new life. My male clothes were given to charity as I built up my wardrobe for a new everyday experience as a transgender woman. It was a terrific weight off my shoulders.

My hope for you I that you can overcome your inner turmoil faster than I did by facing your truth. Thanks for reading and commenting!

 

 

Discovery in a Trans Life

 

Image from Spencer Davis
on UnSplash. 

Without knowing it, my life has turned into a path of gender discovery. When I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I discovered yet again what the magic of HRT hormones had done for me and how fortunate I was to be in the situation I was in. But it was not always that way.

Like many of you, my discovery began when I was spending too much of my time as a youth exploring my mom’s clothing and makeup. From that point forward I was hooked as I tried my best not to destroy any of mom’s clothes as I outgrew them. Possibly, I was successful because she never said anything to me about her wardrobe which was fairly extensive for a high school teacher back in those days. In the 1960’s.

Very early on, as I was making gender discoveries left and right, I ended up refusing to accept the most important one. That my life was much deeper than just wearing girls’ clothes in front of the mirror, I really wanted to be a girl. If I had the information tools to know it, instead of just liking the clothes and the look, I was in fact, transgender. The problem was, this was way before the internet and social media years, so I had no access to the world of cross-dressers than my occasional delivery of “Virginia Prince’s” “Transvestia” magazine. Once I received my newest edition, I could compare how I looked with all the other cover girls in the issue. To be sure, a real discovery came from every issue.

Perhaps, most importantly, were the back of the issue pages which I discovered advertised “Tri-Ess” social mixers for so called straight transvestites all over the country. Including ones in my native Ohio which I discovered were within driving distance of me. From that point forward, I wanted to personally attend a social and see where I fit into a gender system which I felt so alone in. When I gathered the resources and courage to do it, I signed up for a social/mixer which was a couple hours away from me. That sparked my first big discovery of my transgender life. By being around like-minded people for the first time in my life, I hoped my loneliness would go away. Sadly, it did not because I still felt alone in the middle of a crowded room. I am sure part of it had to do with my inherent shyness, and the rest from going through for the first time how it felt to be without my learned male self-protection privileges. Starting all over as myself was an initial shock.

In the protected world I was from, I had no idea of how many layers of people I would meet on the gender spectrum. My eyes were opened from meeting cigar smoking cross dressers who seemed to be denying the fact that they were there at all. All the way to the impossibly feminine transsexuals who had been on HRT and were headed to gender realignment surgeries. The problem was that I did not know where I fit in the new system I was seeing.

I just knew I needed to figure it out which meant a deep exploration into my inner self, no matter how painful it might be. Discovery then took on a new meaning to me as I explored the world as a transgender woman trying to carve out a life for herself. At the time, I was only going to gay venues to see if I could meet a like minded individual there but quickly learned I could not and took the next best step to try to test myself out by discovering if the straight world would accept me. By doing so, I found myself in all kinds of different situations in everything from small lesbian bars to big straight casual dining venues such as TGIF. After some scary beginnings, I discovered I could fit in on my own terms. Which surprised me beyond my greatest expectations. I was also learning that my goal of living an everyday life as a trans woman just maybe could be within reach. If I wanted it bad enough.

I did discover I did want a transfeminine life enough to sort out my male baggage I would not need on a male to female gender transition. It seemed my path for the first time was lit up like a new highway to my future if I wanted it. The best part was I was still discovering what it meant to be myself as I made a new world for my long-awaited transgender woman to emerge and live in. It is not often that a human has a chance to re-invent themselves and enjoy the challenge of doing it but I got there. I discovered by putting myself out there in the world I could build a new feminine life from the ashes of my old male life, I even went online and my wife Liz found me on a dating site, and we have been together for nearly fourteen years now. I was prepared at that time to spend the rest of my life alone and discovered I did not have to. It was a real surprise.

Over what has turned out to be a long life, I have been able to make many discoveries which have aided my progress in the world. Including more than a few which I never thought would happen such as my relatively easy time in the Army all the way to me being able to make my way to living a life as a fulltime transgender woman. While, at the same time retaining some of my most important male building blocks along the way.

I hope you have the chance to make your own discoveries in your life that you deserve. Enjoying your discoveries should be a part of your pleasure.

Thanks for reading along and comments are always appreciated.

 

 

Just Me

JJ Hart

Years ago, when I started to write a “blog”, I barely even knew what one was. I was urged on by a close online acquaintance that I had met on another site that I cannot recall now or even know if it is still in existence. My friend has long since faded away and I hope she is still with us at all as she had health problems when I met her.

What I remember the most is the number of entitled transgender women who were “post op” (had gone through some sort of gender surgery) and felt that they were better than the “pre opt” trans women who had no surgeries at all. They were for the most part very nasty and we referred to them as “Trans-Nazi’s”. At that time, I had several very in-depth experiences I shared, and my friend told me I had enough to share with the world. So, I did and to this day, I am still writing.

Years ago, I made a pledge to myself to try to help others with my writing because for the most part, we share very similar yet difficult lives. Over the years, I have been able to share all sorts of experiences such a the “Blue Coat” I cherished so much in a store but was never able to buy because the finances could not handle it. I so loved that coat, that I was overjoyed every time I went back to that store and it was still there. Actually, it was pale blue, full length, wool, and I thought it fit perfectly with my long blond wig and black silky pants suit. I was there so much that I thought the staff would notice the tall blond trying on the same coat time after time without ever buying it. Because she was just wasting mirror time admiring herself, but they never did and finally I just had to give up on having the coat of my dreams.

Maybe I should have felt guilty about my one-sided obsession to be an attractive trans woman without the help of any surgeries. Plus, at the same time keep my long term marriage alive by going against all the transgender theories of the day which said you had to go away, have gender realignment surgery and start all over again in a totally new life. I was too stubborn for that and wanted to do it my way with one foot firmly planted in two gender worlds, male when I worked or was with my wife and female when I was not and was going to the diverse social parties I was attending in nearby Columbus, Ohio. I loved them because I never knew who I was going to meet there and they could be anywhere on the gender spectrum from lesbians to feminine transsexual women headed for their surgery.

Even with the wide range of gender diversity I ran into, I still could not get over the fact that I still did not fit in yet with any of the groups I interacted with. Ironically, I did learn how well I interacted with the lesbians who attended the parties which set the stage for my future belief that I firmly was not into men but still enjoyed my time with ciswomen and we got along.

From Columbus, so to speak, I took my going out show on the road and begin exploring more frequently venues that I had always wanted to go to as a transgender woman. As I was busy kicking open my closet door, I was learning more and more about the resilient new me. I started to write about my good and bad experiences in the straight world I wanted to be in as I left the safety of the gay venues behind me. The safety I am referring to was sacrificing always being known as just another queen to trying my best to be accepted on a bigger stage in straight venues I enjoyed going to as a man. Then, I started to write about which male baggage (such as sports) I could possibly bring with me. At the time, as well as now, I added how important it was to judge your surroundings to determine what other ciswomen were doing. I have always tried to emphasize how important it is to not bring any negative attention to yourself as I used to do by trying to cross-dress provocatively when I first entered the world.

Speaking of the world. It began to open for me when I began to blend in with my target audience which were women. At that point I started to write about being allowed to play in the girls’ sandbox and being allowed behind the magic gender curtain that I cherished so much that I was willing to risk all the male privileges I had worked so hard for to get there. The more experienced I became in my new feminine world I became, the more important it became for me to write about when I knew it was time to pull the plug on my male life. The key for me was that my transition always felt so natural for me, and my only regret was that it took me so long to do it.

I also went through the who I am to give advice on part of my writing experience. From comments I received all the way to just realizing my thoughts were as relevant as anyone else’s, I forged ahead through years of writing. Making sure that my writings were grounded by the realities I had such as the days I spent with my friends at the monthly lesbian mixers I always went to with them. Or the “Andy Warhol” exhibit I went to with transgender friends back in Columbus at Ohio State University and how I needed to be careful not to come off sounding like a trans-nazi myself after I wrote about a group of drunken cross-dressers trashing a women’s restroom in a gay bar we went to after the exhibit. Rightfully so, after the restroom incident, lesbians in the bar got the rest of us banned from using the women’s room. I was trying to hide my disdain for what the cross-dressers did because I was not far removed from being a very serious cross-dresser myself. The last thing I ever wanted to do was put myself up on any sort of pedestal.

Since now, I have followed my life’s curves and transitions, at the age of seventy-seven I have transitioned into my true transfeminine self-fulltime and thanks to my wife Liz having been living my dream life since I was sixty. Transitioning with Liz made me feel like the real me which had always been missing was the final piece of the puzzle.

Hopefully, I still have many healthy years to write about my experiences in my quest to help others with similar gender issues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Transgender Journey...Down but Not Out

 

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash.

As transgender women and transgender men, it is easy to feel down and out as we try to navigate our new gender paths.

As I sometimes look back on my journey, it is easy to remember the good times and forget the bad. The most important thing about reliving the bad is having the appreciation for the world I am able to live in today as a fulltime trans woman. Every time I make simple trips in the world to the doctor’s, the Veterans Administration or the pharmacy, I always have to look back at remembering the not so good old days when I was struggling for acceptance. Either one of a couple things has happened. Either I have become better at my overall feminine presentation (wrong) or my confidence has taken me to a point where I don’t particularly care what the world thinks about me.

Either way, I look back to when I considered myself a very serious cross-dresser as I still was researching which fork in my gender path would I take. Back in those days, I took hours to prepare for an outing in the world, and I often wondered what I would do if I had to go out in the world everyday and compete with ciswomen everywhere. It was easy at that time to put those thoughts behind me as I was so obsessed with my feminine looks that my second wife kept calling me the “Pretty, pretty, princess.”  Naturally I loved the “pretty” part but rejected the “princess” part of her very pointed critique of me. One day, she even went as far as separating appearance from being a true woman for me when we were fighting about me wanting to go out. It was one of my all-time down moments when she told me I made a terrible woman. It hurt because I was not trying to make anything, I was just trying to express my true self, but I could not properly put my thoughts in a form she would understand.

I guess you could say, back then, I was definitely in my mental transgender formative years when my mind was trying to catch up with all the cross-dressing I was doing. Sadly, before I could formulate what a better version of my transgender self would be, all I experienced was an extreme amount of frustration. I could not understand what I was doing wrong when I was being successful in situations such as transgender-cross dresser mixers I was going to. The problem was the extreme gender euphoria I experienced at the mixers when I was mistaken for a ciswoman was not worth the resultant crash and depression, I felt when my life went back to its same old boring male self.

It all resulted in me being boxed into rarely getting out of my gender closet to explore the world and I was moody, resentful and not the easiest person to live with as I tried to internalize my gender feelings from my wife. A prime example was one year when we took a vacation from our native Ohio to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. On the trip up there, I progressively grew more depressed and mean until my wife asked me what was going on since I was supposed to be having a good time on vacation. Predictably, I lied my way out of it and did not tell her the truth that I rather be spending my vacation time as a woman rather than a man.

Somehow, I pulled myself back together and the vacation continued without incident, but I remember it as another low point. Little did I know at that time, destiny would finally come back to me on my gender path, and I would get my wish to go on extensive vacations as a transfeminine person.

Along the way, I have had many other low points which I write about often. Such as when a woman called me a pervert for simply using the women’s room in a venue, I had been a regular patron of for a long time and had no one say anything negative to me at all. Then much earlier than that when I was struggling to blend in with the world at all, there were all the stares and even laughter I needed to put up with on my journey to present. I was reduced to tears more times than I care to remember mainly by groups of teen girls struggling to find their own femininity. I was certainly at a low point when all of this was happening to me, and I did not have the tools yet to know which way to turn. All I had was this little voice in the back of my head telling me to keep going and my low points would disappear.

All of it did go away for a while until I hit my dark age when nearly everyone I cared about decided to die within a two-year period. The group included my second wife and three of my closest male friends. Who were the only ones I had. To add to my low point, I was desperately lonely and ended up relying on that little voice who at this time was growing louder and more insistent that she had all the answers for me. This time, I had very few other alternatives to fall back on. As one person told me after I had lost my restaurant along to everything else, you will land on your feet. Not knowing my feet would be in high heels when I did it.

I am sure that everyone’s lives have its share of highs and lows and I can not say a transgender woman or trans man lows would be even more dramatic, but it seems possible because we have so much to lose as we pick up our lives and move them across the gender border. Until we find ourselves living behind the gender curtain where we always wanted to me.

Hopefully if you are in the midst of a low time, you have a little voice telling you everything will be OK. If not, remember life is but a circle and what is down will eventually come up.

As always thanks for reading along and comments are always welcome.

 

 

 

It Was Always a Challenge

 

Image from Dwayne Joe
on UnSplash.

As a boy and onward to manhood, I had plenty of challenges to be sure of. Early on, my challenges were in athletics where I had very little natural ability, except for a passion to play ball of any sort.

On the positive side, my love for sports kept the bullies away for the most part and on the negative side, I lost a lot when I played. In the meantime, my feminine side beckoned and I was challenged even more because once again, I was not blessed with very little ability to present well as a girl. Testosterone tore my body up and produced many results that I did not want such as a bigger body and hairy legs and arms. Not good for a boy who wanted to be a girl as the major goal in her life.

At that time, I did not realize how complex my life would become when I decided much later to pursue the life of a transgender woman. How would I ever maintain a marriage as well as a successful career as a man that I was expected to do, if I wanted to be a woman at the same time. It was the beginning of an intense amount of pressure that I needed to live with as it became part of my permanent baggage when at the time, I was trying my best to minimize my life. Especially when I was in the military and almost everything I owned was being shipped home, on my back or in my duffel bag. I would never be free of entanglements in my life that I had then.

Then, even if I was trying not to add more baggage, life set in when I was discharged from the Army and marriage as well as my first and only child were quickly coming my way. All along I was conflicted about the new challenges I faced, I had set up basic guardrails in my life such as telling my first wife I was a confirmed cross-dresser or transvestite at the time and trying to use birth control which ended up failing on me which I will not go into.

I suppose I had no choice but to accept the new life challenges I faced with parenthood and trying to build a career for her and my small family as I moved along. It was what I was supposed to do, and I was trying to meet the demands of doing it. What I never counted on was the strength of my feminine inner self. She was always demanding more and I was on the verge several times of responding to her call when I had very little other male baggage to deal with. But I did not and went on to struggle with my gender dysphoria the best I could by internalizing it. The only release I ever had was cross-dressing in front of the mirror for my own pleasure as I dreamed how it would be to live a life as a trans woman.

A well-known path out for me became the exciting Halloween parties I could go to in my favorite costume…as a woman of course. The parties showed me I could begin to exist on my own terms as the person I always dreamed of being. If I answered the challenge to do it. If I had the courage to present myself to friends as a woman, could I ever decide to do it as another avenue out of my closet and into the world. While I was at the first Halloween parties I went to, the more I learned of the basics of being in a new exciting yet scary world where I always wanted to be.

I learned quickly that cismen around me would avoid me completely, while ciswomen asked me questions about who did my makeup and how did I gather the courage to shave my legs for my “costume”.  Later on, I used the basics I learned from the parties I went to when I tried to meet the challenge of being out with other women who wanted to communicate with and were still curious why I would want to meet the challenge of being in their world. By this time, I was becoming more confident in my true feminine self that the thrill of going to Halloween parties disappeared.

Just because the parties went away and my confidence increased did not mean that the challenges I was facing went away with it. I needed to face the complexities of living a life as a transfeminine person head on if I was ever going to be successful, I needed to communicate with a world which wanted to know more about me for the first time and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. It was the time I had always dreamed of when I could finally put the mirror behind me and put the total new me into motion. When another woman came at me with questions, I was there to answer hers and was beginning to be able to ask her questions of my own by looking her directly in the eye and doing it.

The only advice about overcoming the communication challenges you will face in the world I have is to somehow get out of your closet and experience what is going on firsthand. By doing that, you can let your own unique personality out into the world and leave your unwanted baggage behind you if you are a transgender woman or a transgender man. The same rules apply, just in different gender worlds you must live in and react to. If you do not answer your challenges and try your best to get out of your closet, you will make yourself a victim and never do it.

Also, the only warning I have is depending on where you live, know the anti-transgender laws and attitudes you will be facing and plan ahead accordingly. Remember you can not rely upon the old male security privileges you used to have and find yourself in a dangerous situation. Ciswomen are raised to be careful of potentially toxic situations and avoid them too.

You can also use your challenges as a mini-bucket list and move on after you have accomplished one goal. It is a relatively easy way to manage your male to female or female to male transition.

Good luck with your challenges and thanks for reading along. I appreciate you and any comments you may have!

 

To the Dentist We Go

Image from Geo Days 
on UnSplash.

This is going to be another short post day because my wife Liz must go for an emergency visit to the dentist. Of course, we all have been in that situation before and if is a situation that you haven’t done, you don’t want to be in it.

As with my other recent doctor’s appointments going with Liz, I am wearing another of my “The Ohio State University” shirts because tonight is a huge game with Texas. Along with my leggings and tennis shoes.

Also, this morning I have already shaved closely, brushed back and tied my hair back which leaves me just enough time to apply a light coat of makeup and lip gloss. A routine I normally always follow if I am going to a place such as a medical appointment. Where most of the other people are involved in their own world, or the world of their cell phones. And will never notice a stray transgender woman in their midst.

Even though I don’t expect anything out of the ordinary to happen, I am always prepared for it in the back of my mind and probably will be forever.

If it does, you will be the first to know!

The Age of Gender Innocence

 

Image from Nicola Dowie 
on UnSplash.

I used to think that my initial days of cross-dressing were the most innocent days of my life. I was very young and the feel of the feminine clothes on my body and the expectation of seeing myself in the full-length family mirror brought me to the height of anticipation. For the moment at least, I was putting aside all the worries I had of ever being able to live successfully in a male world.

Now, with the benefit of age on my side, I wonder if I was ever so innocent. Sure, I loved all the things about being a cross-dresser such as shaving my legs and wearing panty hose, all the way to feeling all the sensations of being able to wear the same pretty clothes I had seen the girls around me wear. The biggest problem remained was that just the wearing of the clothes was never enough. The thrill I felt of dressing up was guaranteed to only last a couple of days before I could not wait to do it again. Even my young mind knew there was still something wrong.

What was wrong was I was not a cross-dresser at all; I was a transgender woman waiting her turn to live in the world. In the meantime, I would have to depend on the temporary thrills of mirror worship to get me by in life. It all set me on a very long path of gender discovery. Complete with many ups and downs along the way to make the journey either very scary or at least very interesting. It took me years of mirror living before I could ever gather the confidence I needed to finally conquer my fears and go out into the world as a novice trans woman. Of course, there were the on-going challenges of learning makeup as well as shopping for my own clothes on an extreme budget. When I discovered the thrill of shopping at thrift stores, I was able to find clothes that fit me well by having the chance to try them on before I bought them. If I made a fashion mistake when I got it home, it was not such a big deal because it did not cost that much to start with.

Rapidly, my days of gender innocence were fading away as I became more involved in the world of ciswomen. I quickly discovered their world was much more than just the external world of fashion, hair and makeup. Their world was so much more complex than a cisman’s I was not prepared for it. I found I had a lot of work to do to be accepted at all. To prove I belonged there at all, the first step was to prove I was serious about doing it. I would first have to prove to other women, I was not trying to enter their world as some sort of a dare, or that I was not up to something no good. I desperately wanted to cross the gender border and join the girls’ club and leave the men’s club forever. When I was able to, entrance behind the gender curtain opened for me like never before.

It took many times behind the curtain for my innocence to really go away. I needed to battle my paranoia with being shy to start with and then having to communicate on a whole different level before I could relax at the girl’s night’s out I was suddenly being invited to comfortably. And that was not the only one thing I needed to deal with. Such as how I would ever dress to blend with the rest of the ciswomen in the group I was invited to. I certainly did not want to embarrass myself by dressing too much or not enough and finding that special point where I blended right in. My innocence was real, since I was dealing with a world I had never been in before, but the pressure was real because I wanted to make it a success so desperately. I can compare the experience to first dates I went on with women I did not know well as a man. How would I start the conversation and what would I say.

It turned out I did not have to worry that much because the group conversation was easy to follow without men around. It flowed around family basically and the relationships the women were having with their men. I just flip-flopped my past life as a man to one of a woman. Being purposely vague about key issues such as not having the birth of my daughter but I was there when it happened. My communication efforts seemed to work with all but one woman who just glared at me. I ignored her glare and stayed in the conversation and got invited back.

As I experienced more of the world as a trans woman, the more my innocence went away. Sure, I encountered the occasional toxic woman or TERF but with my confidence level soaring I was able to handle most all of them. If you are wondering why I have not mentioned any men, it is because there were so few of them. For the most part, they knew I had left the men’s club and wanted nothing to do with me, Plus, I cannot take all the credit for my success I had a very tight knit group of women friends around me to support me too.

Perhaps the most lesson I learned about gender innocence was the amount of difference there is between the two main primary genders. Basically, I learned that men operate on some sort of a power matrix. When they are challenged, they are less likely to give you a chance unless there is something in it for them. Women, on the other hand, are much more open to the world. Especially when it comes to their sexuality, which is not as frail as a man’s.

As I always say, if you are just starting up your gender path, be prepared for a change in your innocence as you enter the world of your preferred gender. And thank you for reading along as I described mine.

 

 

Just Another Lonely Day

Image from Jarge Johansen
on UnSplash.

Throughout most of my life, I was desperately lonely, as I had no one to fall back on as I explored my gender issues.

Growing up in a rural area, I started with just a
small circle of kids I interacted with and it rarely grew significantly, so again I was stuck with why I felt the way I did about myself. All I knew was I had a difficult time interacting with the boys at all and the girls seemed as if they were some unreachable magical creatures I knew nothing about.  While all of this was happening, all I could do was carve out my own little world where I was a pretty girl in front of the mirror in mom’s clothes and makeup.

Little did I know how those humble cross-dressing beginnings would come back to influence my life later. In fact, forever. As I grew, I became more skilled in using makeup and finding clothes which I could fit into when I outgrew moms. Then, the more I cross-dressed, the more I wanted to. Which did nothing for my extreme loneliness. It seemed to me; I would never find a way out and really did not until I hit my late high school and college days. What happened was, a group of girls at high school learned that a friend of theirs did not have a date to the junior prom and I did not either and matched us up for the evening. After a successful date, I was not so lonely when another friend of mine set me up with a single girl he knew and suddenly, I was a socialite as I entered college. In truth, deep down I was still the deeply conflicted person I always had been.

Amazingly, my early college years were so intense that I forgot about my gender issues for six months or so before they crept back in. When they did, they became as intense as they were before I left for college and stayed that way until they were put on my back burner when the military draft caught up to me when I graduated. For a while I was engaged to a woman I knew from college until she left me just before I was due to report to Ft. Knox for Army basic training leaving me completely alone again. When my fellow soldiers were getting mail from wives and girlfriends, I was getting an occasional letter from mom. At the least, I appreciated her efforts and once again I was back to being used to being intensely alone.

All along I wondered what my military time would do to my gender issues. Would they go away temporarily like they did in college or not was my question. The answer I was looking for did not take long to become evident to me. No my gender dysphoria was not going away and in fact, tools I had learned in the Army just made my dysphoria stronger. For example, I became more confident in myself as I had a better idea of what I could survive and I spent hours of what spare time I had daydreaming of what I would do with my feminine self once I had served my three years.

It was not very long after I was discharged that I gathered the courage to ask my first wife to marry me. Since she was in the Army too with me for over a year, she had witnessed my Halloween party costume at a hospital party we had went to with friends. Plus, my later confession to three friends plus her that I was actually a transvestite and my costume went a lot deeper than it looked. She also turned out later be the mother of my first and only child and the marriage did last several years until I fell madly in love with my second wife.

Oddly enough it was another Halloween party which allowed me to confess to her my deep dark secret that I was a cross-dresser. It turned out that she did not care which was the case for the twenty-five years we were married. Until I began to transition into a transgender woman. Just before she passed away from a massive heart attack. During those years we had our share of good times and bad times somehow, we always made it through, and she never knew how much of a role model she was to me when I went my separate way as a trans woman. Following her untimely death at the age of fifty.

When she passed, I went into a lonely shock I had not felt through the majority of my life. I could not understand why I was having to start all over again in my mid-fifties and search for another relationship. And furthermore, which direction would I take with the gender issues I had during my life. By this time, I was well ahead of my goal to possibly live as a transfeminine person. I had major decisions to make in my life, so I kept on searching for answers. To start with, I tried dating ciswomen again as a man which failed miserably and at the same time, get more serious in my explorations ss a trans woman which I found to be a natural social release for me.

By the time a couple more years of wasting valuable time went by, I was sitting by myself enjoying my new company and I thought why was I not living like this all the time? How stupid could I be not to take advantage of what I had learned in the world so far as a transgender woman. Most importantly, my lifetime’s dream of living as a woman was within reach, and I was not taking advantage of it.

From that point forward I put together a timetable to give away my remaining male clothes and pursue HRT therapy. There would be no turning back from that point forward. I was tired of the gender struggle and loneliness I was enduring. I was afraid if I did not make the change now, I never would have the chance.

You might say I played the odds and they came out in my favor but on the other hand, I researched the odds extensively before I did it.

 

 

 

When A Good Day was in the Details

 

Image from Ali Hassan
on UnSplash

I remember vividly the frustration I felt when I tried to connect all the dots I needed to connect to make blending into the world as a feminine person a reality. A good day was when I was able to recognize the details and improve my overall feminine presentation.

It was because I had so much new to remember when I finally summoned the courage to leave the mirror and get out into the world. The mirror was kind to me and often would not tell me when I was looking like a circus clown in drag. It took being out in the public’s eye to do that for me, unfortunately. When the stares and laughter caught up to me in the initial stages of being out of my shell, I had to scurry home to go back to my cross-dressing drawing board to go over all the details I was trying to put together if I ever was going to make it as a novice transfeminine person.

It seemed when I arrived at the point where I did a reasonably good job of applying my makeup, then I would make some huge mistake with how I was moving and mess up the feminine image I was trying to portray. One example that comes to mind was when I was in a mall blissfully minding my own business as a woman when one of my heels stuck in a crack in the sidewalk and I almost fell. After I determined that no one else noticed my embarrassing move, I gathered myself back up and resumed my journey. A lot wiser for the experience which I am sure that many ciswomen have gone through. It was just that the overall gender learning experience at times seemed to be so cruel and frustrating.

Overall, it took me submitting to practice, practice, practice to make it to just an entry level where I did not look like a linebacker in a dress when I moved in a new, scary world. Of course, I knew ciswomen move very differently than cismen, but to copy it was not going to be easy for me. It also seemed all eyes were upon me as a transgender woman which was and was not the case. As I found out if I could just do the basics, most people would be in their own worlds and not notice me at all. That is, if I did not give them anything out of the ordinary to look at which initially I was quite bad at. Why? Because I tried dressing as a teen girl, which was a major mistake as I was trying to disguise my thirty-year-old testosterone poisoned body.  It did not take me long to get laughed out of doing it and settled into a more reasonable look which was able to blend in with the ciswomen around me.

At that point, a good day was when I was able to put my overall appearance together with the way I moved as I began to put the ideal mirror image I always had into motion. I began to try my hand by going to well attended events such as urban festivals in downtown Dayton, Ohio. When I went, I always wore my best sunglasses so I could look to see if other people were paying attention to me and I knew I had made significant strides towards living my dream and I was ecstatic. For once it seemed, everything was coming together for me in my life until I hit two major roadblocks. My second wife and my male self-sensed the potential of losing their lives with me as they knew them.

It was all good for awhile as I was able to maintain the delicate gender balance I was trying to live until the portion of my life, I came to call my own dark ages when I lost my wife and three of my closest male friends to death. Naturally, I was knocked for a loop and did not know which way was up for a while. As an experiment I even tried to date ciswomen again as a man, but it did not work since I did not want to start to explain all over again to another woman my gender issues. Finally, I resorted to taking myself out to an outdoor concert in a Dayton suburb because my daughter gave me two tickets to see “Joe Cocker”. The woman I was going to take essentially stood me up a week before the concert which gave me time to consider taking myself. Which is what I did as I went in a black sleeveless top, black flowing silky pants and sparkly silver sandals. No one gave me a second look as I nervously played with my long dark-haired wig and I enjoyed myself immensely.

I knew right then, I was on the right path because I felt so natural in my new world as I was connecting all the right dots and my feminine power was in the details. Until I hit my next big roadblock. Just how was my new transfeminine person going to do her most difficult task of all, which was being able to communicate with the world around me. A world which I had to put all the way up there with my initial feminine problems such as makeup, hair and movement as my most difficult task to take on. Here I was in this big, highly nuanced new world I was in with very few tools to help me.

At first, I resorted to mimicking the tone of the other ciswoman who was trying to talk to me. Which worked well enough to get me by with short, simple conversations with clerks and salespeople but fell miserably short when someone really wanted to communicate with me. That’s when I knew I needed to seek out professional help about feminine vocal patterns which helped me to learn the basics of being able to not necessarily sound like a woman when I was talking but still say the right things a woman would say. a huge detail I needed to communicate in the new world I was in,

I was fortunate when I survived my dark ages and the onslaught of my male self-trying to survive that I was still able to move forward. I began each day with good feelings for once concerning how I felt about my gender dysphoria in my life. No matter what the mirror was telling me in the morning, deep down I had connected all the dots and attended to all my gender details, so I knew who I was.

It made all the difference in the world as it took me so long to do it.

Thanks as always for reading along. I hope you can find and overcome all the gender details and connect your dots along the way. Comments are always welcome!

 

 

 

 

I Wish I Knew Why

 

 

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

It has been a while since anyone has asked me when I knew I was transgender. In fact, it was several years ago when one of my grandkids was coming out to my daughter as being trans.

My daughter then asked me if I had always known, true? I told her yes that was true except in the exceedingly early days of my life when I knew something was wrong with me but I just did not know what. As I grew older and I experienced that first magical visit to mom’s clothing drawer did I truly knew what the problem was. I really liked the feel of mom’s clothes and that was only the beginning as I wanted to be a girl full-time sometime in my life. Just the buzz of wearing feminine clothes was never going to be enough. So, I set out on a long journey to see if I could ever achieve my dream.

When I was able to begin to interact with others with gender issues, I found early on that it was not going to be the end to my questions that I thought it could be. For example, I was too much girl for many of the cross-dressers I met and not enough woman for the then called transsexuals I encountered in person at the social/mixers I traveled to. The closest ones initially were nearly a two-hour drive away before mixers were then set up in a nearby central location for me. It was then that I was able to meet others who identified as true transgender women and I fit in perfectly with them. Finally, I began to have answers to my identity as a person.

Of course, I needed to take all sorts of side journeys as I sought out the key to why this transgender world had chosen me. In my research I even came across the theory that the drug “D.E.S” which was given to women with a history of problem pregnancies around the time I was born, could conceivably be linked to a person having= gender issues later in life. Because to ensure the fetus went full term in the womb, the womb was flooded with estrogen to aid the birth process. I thought “D.E.S.” might fit me because my mom had suffered through three still births before I came along. Ultimately, “D.E.S” stayed just as it started with me. Another solution to an extraordinarily complex gender problem with no concrete answers.

Then there was the victim mode I wrote so much about when I went through a poor, poor pitiful me time of my life. I could not understand why I needed to be stuck with all the gender issues I had when no one I knew had them either. To this day, I envy men who have been able to go through their lives as men without the added distraction of wanting to be a ciswoman. Finally, I made the difficult turn considering my overwhelming desire to be feminine as a good thing. Because it set me off from society as a unique person with a look at both sides of the gender border. Removing my victim mentality made all the difference in the world to me as I began to look ahead for the possibilities which laid ahead. Rather than always looking over my shoulder and dwelling on the mistakes I had made.

The more success I experienced when I first was able to carve out a new life for myself as a transfeminine person, the more the wish I knew mentality I had lived with my whole life began to fade away. From that point, I went into my confidence mode because without it, I was powerless to do anything I wanted to do as a trans woman. I found that as long as I held my head high and did my best to be a quality person in the world, the more people left me alone since humans are like sharks. They sense blood in the water, and I was not adding any of mine. Confidence also allowed me to try different things. To judge if I really wanted to jump the gender border and give up living life as a man altogether. Even though it was the most difficult decision of my life, having even a sliver of hope that I could live my dream that propelled me forward to a gender tipping point that so many ask about.

This time, I could tell anyone who asked why I decided to leave a successful male life to take on a decided uncertain one as a transgender woman. The answer I always gave was deceptively easy. I had reached my own gender tipping point where I was living more as a woman (and feeling natural doing it) and less as a man as I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable doing it. By doing as much research as I had, I had given myself no choice as what I should do. When became now and that was the time, I decided to take the next step and pursue gender affirming hormones or HRT to sync my inner mind with my external body the public saw. I knew it was the point of no return for me as my body took to the new hormones magically.

I knew from there that all my explorations as a trans woman pus the addition of HRT allowed me the most powerful female privilege of all. The power to finally be myself. The wish I knew why I was different my whole life was answered with a resounding yes, I did know it all along and refused to face my own truth. I was living a counterproductive life as I was going overboard trying to be successful as a man when I was a woman forced into her shell all the time struggling to get out. The best part was when she said I told you so, as she destroyed what was left of my old male ego.

I finished strong when my why me became a why not as I had the chance to live my feminine truth among the ciswomen of the world.

Thanks for reading along and I hope you will discover your why me in life! Comments from you are always welcomed.

 

 

 

 

Labor Day 2026

 

Pik Nik with JJ Hart (left) and wife Liz. 

Time flies when you are having fun, especially when you are just getting older in life. Once again, another Labor Day and summer have come and gone. It’s like my mom used to say, life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end it gets, the faster it goes.

Around here in Southwestern Ohio though, we are entering what is called “Indian Summer” with temperatures which remind us of August. So, most of the fall fashions we have purchased will have to wait for another month until October rolls around.

Fall has always been my favorite time of the year as the leaves of the trees begin to change their colors, football is in full swing and I get to go through my fall and winter wardrobe to see what needs updating. It is one of the joys of living in a climate which still changes four times a year. In many ways, it seems like only yesterday when I first experienced my first summer to fall fashion transition as a transgender woman.  I thought now I was finally going to get to experience all the pretty clothes that ciswomen get to do. In a sense that was true once I could afford to update my fashion and find the proper sizes which fit me. To do so, I wore out my shoes going to thrift stores looking for fashion bargains which flattered me.

Of course, I forgot to mention the cross-dressers’ national holiday, Halloween which gives us the chance to flaunt how good we can look like a woman. Often for a neutral audience. I know for me it was the first time anyone saw me as myself outside of my mirror. For the first several serious Halloween parties of my adult life, I experienced the good and bad of being in public as a trans woman or even a novice cross-dresser. The good part was that I think I was successful in presenting as a woman while having the freedom to do it. However, the bad part was having to wait an entire year to do it again. Finally, I could take it no longer and needed desperately to take my feminine show on the road and head out to the malls unattended.

Once I began to try to get out of the mirror and into the world as a trans woman, Halloween just became the icing on my cake as my so-called “costume” changed from shock value trashy all the way to professional ciswoman ideas designed to see if I could fool people I did not know. No pun intended, but I made the transition from trash to class quite easily and I loved it. It gave me the direction I needed to go forward in my male to female femininization journey. I will be presenting more of my Halloween adventures as we get closer to the actual date of the holiday.

Sadly, not all my memories of fall are good ones. I vividly remember the nights I drove around alone seeking answers to my confused life which basically revolved around which gender was I and what was I ever going to do about my upcoming date with the Army. The rapidly blowing leaves in front of my headlights only reflected the despair of my life at that time.

So, that is why Labor Day represents more than just another holiday to me. As I said, the holiday makes me feel deeply about beginnings and ends as nature starts her transition from summer to winter and calls it fall and gives us brilliantly colored trees and cooler temperatures to enjoy.

Just a short Labor Day post today celebrating the beginning of fall around here. No matter where you are, I hope you can celebrate it too!

 

 

 

Finding Your Trans North Star in a Straight World

 

Image from Daniel Lincoln 
on UnSplash

As most all transgender women and transgender men know, finding your own personal North Star is often very difficult to do.

The first thing you have to consider is what your North Star means to you and down the road, what will you do to follow it. Very early on in my life, I knew the only thing I wanted to really do when I grew up wanting not to be in the male body I was born into. It turned out after fifty plus years of trying; I was able to make it mentally out of my male body and live as a transfeminine woman but never seriously considering undergoing any of the serious and extensive gender realignment surgeries which are going on today. At the time, I figured I did not have to risk my body which to this day has been healthy and just concentrate on the physical feminine side of life I enjoyed so much. Or my gender stayed between my ears and not my legs. Which started me down a very long path trying to discover what my North Star meant to me and where it was exactly.

The problems which clouded my view came almost exclusively from my male self-fighting the process of a male to female femininization every place that he could. He took a secret joy when I was laughed out of venues I was in as I was dressing to please him and not the public who really mattered which were ciswomen who determined if I could stay in their world at all. What he did not count on was that the stares and laughter just made me more resolute searching for my feminine self.

As I went along, I discovered even the most strenuous male activities could not mask the shine of my inner feminine star. Not even three years in the army could hide her glow when it counted. In fact, lessons I learned when I was away from my true self helped me when I could return seriously to my gender path. Most importantly, I learned I could rely upon myself more completely when the times became rough. Sadly, it took me years of living to learn a woman could be feminine and strong all at the same time as my two-role model’s mom and second wife taught me to be. Without ever knowing they were dealing with another woman. Much to the chagrin of my inner woman who wanted her chance in the world.

And yes, there were times that my North Star was completely lost in the clouds before I could completely reclaim her. Such as the time when I was stuck transitioning from a serious cross-dresser to a novice transgender woman. It turned out, it was only another mental transition because at this time, I had most all my appearance basics together and I was ready to experiment on the next step of mentally comparing myself as I socialized with other ciswomen. Following much fear and trepidation, I found that I could and more importantly, I felt natural and happy doing it. My star was shining brightly when I made it out of the comparative safety of the gay venues I was going to (where I was only considered to be another drag queen) to straight venues in the world where I could express myself as a trans woman.

I discovered that once I reclaimed my star, I reclaimed my life too. I was on the verge of reclaiming the life I was so unhappy in and turning it into an existence which restored my fragile depressive mental health and gave me a reason to be happy. Probably, for the first time in my life. But I still had a long way to go, because my male self stubbornly refused to give up all the privileges he had earned and was fighting for at least a partial share of my life. It did not matter to him that I felt happy and natural when I was a trans woman, carving out a new life with new privileges for myself. Such as constant interaction with ciswomen who were interested why I was in their world. I finally quit trying to figure it out and learned to sit back and enjoy the socialization process I was going through. As I was learning as much from them as they were about me. It all made me a better person as I continued to carve out a new life for myself.

Thankfully, my North Star continued to burn brightly for me during this time of my life. I needed the guidance of the star to help me navigate any more blind curves along my gender path that I was on. I never counted on the new life being so much more complex than the old straight forward male life I was discontinuing due to lack of interest. From appearance to body movement to communication, I needed to change it all, and I felt I was running out of time since I was in my mid-fifties, and my biological transgender clock was ticking. It all kept me going and interested to see what was beyond the next blind curve I would have to face on my gender journey.

By this time my North Star was starting to sink into the horizon of a new day for me as it guided me forward into my new day. As it faded, I was able to sit back and appreciate all the good things it had sent me through in my life, as well as helping me around some of the bad ones I needed help with. By following the star, I was able to finally make it to the dream I never knew I could do and that of course was being able to live a happy life as a transgender woman.

Even during my dark days of infantry basic training in the Army at Ft. Knox, my North Star came through and helped me see the way to overcome my gender shortcomings which turned out to be temporary. Permanence turned out to be the ability to follow and live out my dream.

As always thanks for reading along and I hope you have a North Star to guide you also through the thick and thin days of a transgender life.

 

 

 

 

See and Being Seen as Me

 

JJ Hart (center) with Liz (left) and 
daughter (right) 

Yesterday was one of those rare days when I needed to get out in the world and do several errands with my wife Liz.

The errands revolved around going to two of her doctor’s visits she had in one day. That means playing the eye game in waiting rooms for me because I always want to see if anyone is paying attention to the only transgender woman in the room. I am happy to say no one did and I went on with my life.

Since I was only going to waiting rooms, there was no reason to do anything else but dress casually and cool since our temperatures were supposed to reach near the one-hundred-degree mark (F) for the day. So, I chose my lightweight new “The Ohio State Buckeyes” shirt and a pair of leggings for the day since the “Buckeyes” first game is coming up later tomorrow. Also to try to stay cool, I pulled my very long hair back and went with a light foundation and lip gloss.

One way or another no one in waiting room number one paid me any attention as I played a quick “eye-tag” game with them to again see if there was any recognition of me as anything out of the normal.

It was not so long ago that I would have been paranoid about even going at all, but I am happy to say all the old fears are past me now. It is certainly no fun waiting for my wife Liz in a doctor’s office but it is something we do for each other when we can and I need her help when I need to go to the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital for an appointment because it always involves a lot of walking which I need help with. It is a great tradeoff for me.

In the second waiting room, ironically, it was my Ohio State shirt which got me into a conversation with a woman who was older than even me. She noticed my shirt and asked if I had any grandchildren who attended school there and I said one graduated and one had just started a year ago. She responded that she had one of her grandchildren who had attended OSU a couple years ago and was a physicist now and I told her my oldest was a nuclear engineer as a civilian for the Navy in Maine and they seem to like it. The conversation was pleasant and made the time go so much faster as she waited for her husband to get through in the bathroom and left before Liz returned.

Speaking of kids, today is my daughter’s fiftieth birthday and I would like to send out my wishes to her as she climbs a mountain somewhere in Maine. All I know about it is, it is on the end of the Appalachian trail. I am so proud of her and my son-in-law for raising such a diverse and successful family which includes one transgender child who is in Maine. She has always been one of my biggest supporters.

It is always good to get out in the world and be accepted as a transgender woman Making myself available to do so has sometimes been a difficult task to take on, but I was fortunate enough to find ways to do it.

I am not sure that there is ever an easy path to living a transgender life and a trans woman or trans man. Genders are so ingrained in us from birth that they are so difficult to change. We get to a point where we try to internalize our truths. Making them an even bigger burden to take on. Now, just being able to interact with another woman on an equal basis means so much to me and takes back to the days when I was just learning to do it. Then, as in now, the secret to doing it was having the confidence to do it. Which for me, was never an easy thing to do because I was always so shy to start with. It seemed to me that once I built my frail confidence to a point where I could enjoy it, something would come along and destroy all my work. Really, it was not until I brought what was left of my of my old male building blocks into my life’s equation, did I begin to see true improvement.

Among other things, he taught me how to stand my ground as a trans woman during the difficult times. Deep down I was learning the life choices I was making were the correct ones.

Which takes me full circle into being relaxed as a transfeminine me in a room full of people yesterday and being able freely being able to talk to a ciswoman about family in another waiting room. I was able to learn the right way to do it from all the girls’ nights out I was invited to where the main topic was not work but was family.

On the other hand, part of me is like our old family cat as he seems to never be totally relaxed. Even when I am in the middle of a conversation like I was yesterday, I was still closely observing the ciswoman I was talking to see if she had any spark of knowledge that I was a transwoman. Perhaps my life experiences will make it impossible for all my paranoia to totally go away.

Best yet, both appointments came back good for Liz’ health, which was a great relief.

In the meantime, again Happy Birthday to my daughter who has been so supportive of me over the years and I hope those of you who are just finding your way long your gender path, I hope all goes well for you and thank you for reading!