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| Image from Mor Shani |
Lately, it has occurred to me that possibly my posts have been a little negative when describing my journey along my gender path. Sure, my trip had its ups and downs but overall, it was a labor of love. Gender euphoria always seemed to come along at just the right time to keep me centered on my dream of living a transfeminine life. Finally meaning to me that transitioning male to female was the only way to live for me.
From that point forward, I just had to figure out a way to
do it. I knew I loved the lure of women’s fashion and makeup, and how it all
changed around me on a seasonal basis. So far from the male fashion I was used
to. Instead of just putting on a coat when the weather became cooler outside. Now
I needed to choose between leggings, boots and fuzzy sweaters to keep me warm
and stylish. Furthermore, I loved the
concept of seasonal change and the desirability of going through my wardrobe to
see what could stay and what had to go to the thrift store.
Even though, fashion and makeup remained a priority for me,
a new love interest set in when I began to explore the world more as a transgender
woman. Whole new gender vistas opened up for me relatively quickly as I needed
to put my static mirror version of my trans woman self into motion. It became a
labor of love to go out and start meeting new people. As I did, I came to the
realization that most strangers I met did not mistake me for a cisgender woman,
but on the other hand, I could be quite satisfied to be recognized as myself…a
woman from a different background. I think in a couple of the venues I became a
regular in; I became their token transgender woman to prove their overall
diversity. Whatever the case, I loved the extra attention I was getting. Especially
from the ciswomen I met who were basically curious what I was doing in their
world.
All the on hands experience in the world I was getting
helped me to want more and leave my male life behind. As I always say, the
gender change concept seemed to be so natural for me as I went forward. The
only problems came from wondering what I was going to do about all the male
baggage I carried with me. I discovered I was much more than a man trying to
put on a pretty face, I was a full-fledged person trying to build a life from
scratch. All the nuances of doing so extended way psst making sure my shoes
matched my purse, all the way to wondering how I was going to handle the woman
sitting next to me when and if she tried to make conversation. In a very short
period of time, I became used to the challenge, and it became part of my life
and yes, I loved it.
As I increasingly loved this new life I was living, I was
able to balance between the two main binary genders. Before it became too much
to handle mentally for me. It became increasingly evident that if I was going
to survive as a person, I was going to have to choose one of the genders
pulling on me. At that point my lifetime of loving everything feminine kicked
in for me. Long ago, I had realized I was much more than a casual crossdresser and
made it a love affair to learn more about my dream of being a woman on my own
terms. Which meant I did not necessarily need all the extensive facial or gender
realignment surgeries. I just needed to present well enough in the world as a
trans woman to be left alone. Mainly because of the circle of ciswomen friends who
accepted me as an equal, I was able to achieve my goal. Even with the added surprise
of finding a woman who loved me the way I was.
The tragedy probably was I did not realize the depth of the
love affair I was having until much later in life. I would have preferred to
have spent more time living as a transgender woman in a world I created. Rather
than sharing it with a man I started a life with and had very little control
over.
I will never know (of course) what life I missed and maybe
the course of destiny I was on would have stayed the same anyhow. Just being
able to acknowledge the lifelong love affair I was on is just enough to
rationalize where I ended up. So if you are just starting or contemplating starting
your journey, try to look down deep inside of yourself to see where your love
affair has taken you. It may save you problems later on your journey.
