So Close yet So Far

 Every morning when I wake up, after I figure out which part of my old body hurts me the worst, I begin to think about what I will write about here in Cyrsti's Condo, 

After more than six thousand posts over the years, often it's not the easiest process. 

This morning, the idea didn't come until I was talking to Liz about our past experience with Ohio University (not Ohio State) OU is a medium sized school in Southern Ohio which happens to have a well respected communication school. 

It was of interest to me because at the time, I had over five years experience in the radio business as an announcer (DJ), was just out of the Army and had a couple years of GI Bill money I could use on education. Since I already possessed a bachelors degree, the natural move would have been to work on my Masters in Communication. 

To make a long story short, I didn't do it. I used all my usual excuses such as having a new daughter and not really wanting to uproot my little party world by moving to another. Looking back on it now, the real reason I was afraid of moving myself ahead was rooted in my gender dysphoria. When times became real tough mentally, I could always fall back on wearing a dress and makeup. I just bought into the fake reality that women somehow had an easier life.

The more accomplished I became with my feminine appearance, I became so close to actually finding out what women went through but remained so far away. Worse yet, I used the process to become very self destructive in my life. Too much angst led to too much alcohol as I tried to self medicate my bi polar tendencies away. All mixed in with a very strong gender dysphoria. 

The end result is I am surprised I happened along several women who loved me over the years and I was able to survive and actually thrive on occasion.

Until I was actually able to fully complete my Mtf gender transition though, I finally was able to put my so close yet so far reality in the rear view mirror. 

Living my authentic life still seems like a dream after all these years.

Pantene Transgender Ad

Transgender girl and two Moms.

The next time you consider buying shampoo or other hair care products, you may want to look at using the Pantene line. Here is why:

"A new Pantene ad celebrates LGBTQ families by featuring a transgender girl with her two lesbian mothers, MetroWeekly reports.

The ad tells the story of Sawyer, her mothers, and their family motto, "Everybody loves everybody, no matter what path you follow."

Ashley, one of Sawyer's mothers, described the significance of her daughter's hair in the process of transitioning. "Once she told us that she identified as a girl, she immediately wanted to grow her hair out," she says in the ad.

"I remember the first time she was out in the community wearing the clothing she wanted and her hair," Ashley continues. "And she kind of was herself. And that was the first day where I saw her."

For Sawyer, growing her hair out made her "feel good and confident, and it made my insides match my outsides."

The ad is another recent example of corporate framings of the LGBTQ community in a positive light, which is especially significant given the spate of anti-transgender bills working their way through states such as Arkansas, West Virginia, Tennessee, and South Dakota, among others.

Pantene posted a message about the ad to Twitter, writing, "Hair is a large part of our identity. And for LGBTQ+ youth like Sawyer, who choose to express themselves, their style, and their creativity through their hair style, it can help them feel seen."

Fortunately I already have a bottle of Pantene shampoo in my shower. 

Rose Montoya

 Rosalynne Montoya — who goes by Rose — is an Arizona-based, Hispanic, bisexual, non-binary transgender woman. 

Did Gender Fluidity Nearly Kill Me?

 It seems to me the term "gender fluid" has just become popularized by the younger generation of queer women and men everywhere.  My idea was reinforced recently when I attended  a transgender - crossdresser meeting. Several of the participants were 20 to early 30 somethings  Along  the way, they mentioned the idea of being gender fluid.  Or how they wished somedays they could work as a guy and the next as a girl. 

Oldest known picture

At the time, I wondered  if being gender would have worked for me, or was I at all? 

Then I realized I tried being gender fluid and it led me to a suicide attempt. I was trying to live part time in my old male life while at the same time attempting to learn to live as a transgender woman. 

Hormone replacement therapy came along and forced my hand. If I was going to choose a gender, it would have to be the higher maintenance feminine one. When I started HRT, it seemed all too quickly I was growing breasts, my skin was softening and my hair was becoming long enough to tie it back into a pony tail.

At the time, I wasn't planning on the process happening so fast. So, very quickly any thoughts of being gender fluid left my mind. Even though the term itself was probably a decade away from being used at all.

 

As I proceeded on my journey, it was increasingly evident I was home. I had discovered what deep down I always knew...I was born to be a girl/woman. 

In conclusion,  I wish anyone trying to pursue a gender fluid life the best of luck. It nearly killed me.

Thanks

 I would like to take a second and thank the professor and nearly twenty students who joined in for a virtual class I recently participated in.

At he last minute the other day I was asked to step in with a couple younger transgender women and men to share our life experiences including dealing with trans discrimination.

I found the class from Mt. Saint Joseph's College here in Cincinnati to be attentive and curious with good questions.  

Most of the questions revolved on how the proper way transgender people should be approached and treated. 

For my input on discrimination, I recounted my rest room experiences back in the day when I had the police called me, when I was called a pervert to my face and finally was asked to leave a couple venues. 

The professor then asked me if I thought times had changed for the better as far as the transgender community is concerned. 

I answered yes. Regardless of the previous administration in Washington, we have made strides to fight forward. After all, I remember back in the 1950's in Dayton. Ohio when men were rounded up and arrested for simply cross dressing up as women.

Now I have another university class coming up in April virtually at the Miami University in Oxford, Ohio which I am really looking forward to. 

Running while Transgender

 In reference to the Cyrsti's Condo post  concerning the attacks on transgender athletes by Republicans around the country At the least, you have to admire the courage of trans athletes everywhere to compete in their chosen sports. Back in the day, I used sports as a way to mask my gender leanings. Fortunately these days, transgender sports fans are not backing away from participation in activities they enjoy. 

Of course too, you have to factor in the influence of hormone replacement therapy on the athlete's body. Which is part of Connie's comment:

Connie at Work

" I have to admit that I have mixed feelings on this subject, because it is far from an either/or issue. Fifty years ago, when I was on my boy's high school track team, I was a better 440 yard runner than most boys, but I'm certain that I could have won the race every time, had I run against cis girls (I've checked the record books). Never mind the fact that there were many times when I would return home after track practice or a meet and secretly express my femininity through dress or activities, just as any girl might have. Of course, fifty years ago, I really had no choice but to keep my femininity a secret, and there wasn't even a girls track team at my school. I seriously doubt that, if I had been free to declare my gender identity and there would have been the opportunity to join a girls team, I would have chosen to compete against the girls.

Puberty blockers and HRT would have made a difference in my athletic abilities. I don't know how much difference, but I'm guessing that I might have been among the fastest girls; not necessarily a record-setter, though. Then, again, maybe I wouldn't have had the same interest in competing against anyone - boys or girls - had I not been subjected to the ravages of male puberty. Much of the reason I had for participating in athletics was to hide my feminine identity, anyway.

So, I believe that trans girls should be able to compete against all girls, but not by mere declaration of gender identity alone. Whether it be through suppression or introduction of cross hormone therapies, there should be the requirement that a trans girl must have been under some regimen for a certain period of time before being allowed to compete against other girls.

I know there are people from both sides of the argument who disagree with me. While I can't see the fairness in allowing only a self-declaration of gender identity, I certainly reject the notion that "biological boys" should be disallowed from girls' athletics outright. The thing that gets me is that many of the same people who want to keep trans girls from being on girls' teams because of their hormonal "advantage" are the ones who want to criminalize any hormone therapies for trans girls. But, as Paula said, these people are just trying to erase trans existence altogether."

So true! Thanks for the comment. 

As I have written, HRT has robbed my body of a significant portion of my former male strength. What I will never know is how much of the loss could be attributed to age considerations. 

I do know for sure, the entire idea of boys competing against girls is so wrong. The power of hormones changes all of that. As Paula said, all of this is once again a group of ignorant gender bigots trying to erase our transgender existence.

Transgender Elder Care

 As promised, I wrote  I would send along further details of my Webinar on transgender elder care. Brighter minds than mine have set the event to be seen on Zoom as well as Facebook.

Here is the link to find it on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/events/270094498066096/

I will cover the lack of in-depth knowledgeable  health care available to elders in the transgender community.

If you have time, stop by!

FRIDAY AT 6 PM EDT – 7 PM EDT

Transgender Elder Care

Free  · Online Event
And, here is the Zoom link : us02web.zoom.us

Michelle's Maintenance

 Recently I wrote a post here in Cyrsti's Condo revolving around the concept women are definitely the high maintenance gender. Being the hard headed person I am, it took me years to learn exactly that. As my wife at the time kept referring to me as the "pretty, pretty princess" in my makeup heels and hose, no amount of feminine presentation could help me to understand exactly what she meant. It wasn't until years later as I seriously started my Mtf gender transition did I understand.

Let's check in with Michelle and her feelings on the subject:

"I see that you, as well as so many of us have discovered, that being a woman requires many years of life lessons learned while growing up.

Females start very early in life learning so many skills, that men would never even think of, like communication, relationships, mannerisms and dealing with the trials and tribulations of dealing with the female body. It's one thing to learn how to apply makeup and clothes styles but women don't really get those lessons till early in their teens. Women start early learning that the somewhat care and feeding of their bodies will follow them throughout life.

Men on the other hand only deal with learning to (as my partner once put it) grunt, fart and learn how to somewhat intimidate the people they come in contact with. For women, life's lessons are almost harder in the long run then men will ever know.

Women have to learn, starting very early, how to deal with so many aspects of their bodies and minds that can be both scary as well as rewarding. Men on the other side of the coin only have to learn only what puberty brings them. It's more of a one shot deal for men. Women have to deal with it all their lives. "

Thanks for the comment!

I have always thought cis women have precious little time to design their lives around their bodies. After all. girls go through puberty earlier than boys to face years of having babies and monthly periods before their bodies then go through menopause. Through it all, women face the lack of gender privilege which men take for granted. 

Again, thanks for the very perceptive comment. 

For the First Time in Nevada

 A transgender woman has won Miss Silver State USA.

Kataluna Enriquez, 27, started competing in transgender pageants in 2016 when she worked as a model. She began to competing in cis gender pageants at the beginning of last year advocating for inclusivity, diversity and representation. 

Of course her face and body haven't hurt her!

Gender is NOT a Game

 If you live in the United States, you would have to be living in a cave somewhere to escape the deluge of state legislation against transgender athletes'. 

Of course, reportedly all of this legislation is originating with one ultra conservative organization. Thus these legislative members around the country all have a template (so to speak) to formulate their "own" bills.

More than likely, the vast majority of these legislators have never met a transgender woman or trans man and have no understanding of our lives.  Most certainly too, none of them have taken the time to research the effects of hormone replacement therapy on the body. 

I probably am not the best example of HRT on a person's body because I transitioned later in life during my sixties. When I did transition and my muscle mass began to change, I learned quickly how much of my old male strength had disappeared.  I can only imagine how the process would work for an trans athlete. 

One way or another, perhaps the most ridiculous idea is transgender athletes are transitioning just to compete at an advantage. Missing the entire dilemma changing gender presents to the person going through it. The specter of increased mental illness  all the way to heightened levels of suicide among the transgender community is never taken into consideration.

Gender is definitely not a game to the transgender athletes facing legislative discrimination by people unwilling to see the big picture for what it is. The big picture is the old binary gender rules aren't working anymore.

People need to wrap their narrow minds around the fact transgender athletes as well as the trans community as a whole need understanding, not discrimination.

The High Maintenance Gender

 As I began my transition years ago into a full time feminine world, I learned the hard way what I suspected all along. Being a woman would prove to be infinitely more difficult than I thought it would be.

 Most certainly in my cross dressing days, I did learn the basics of looking like a woman but as my wife always told me, I really didn't know anything about being a woman. In fact, one of our fights ended up in her telling me I would make a terrible woman. She later went on to explain to me her statement had nothing to do with how I looked.

What she didn't take into consideration was all the years I had studied all women so intently. Including the time I worked in a predominately woman dominated business. So all I had to do was to step up my game even farther. 

I am fond of pointing out my first  major learning experience in my male to female gender transition came as I learned how women communicate between themselves often by using visual cues more than the straight forward ones used by men. I tied my experiences in with a couple I already knew. Women operate on a passive aggressive basis and are more apt to form cliques rather than teams men form. 

The more I was able to get out and try to live a feminine life, I found out my wife was right and I changed.  To make matters worse, she passed away before she ever had a chance to see my transition.

So, applying the makeup and picking the perfect outfit is gratifying all the way to being fun, is all still icing on the cake.

Being able to reinvent yourself as your authentic self is so deeply satisfying. Proving once again living the layered life of a woman proves you belong in the sandbox of the high maintenance gender. 

Standing Up to be Counted

 Recently, the United States Senate heard discussions based on passing the "Equality Act."  Amazingly, the only transgender person there to argue for the passage was 16 year old Stella Keating. (below)

Keating comes from near where Connie lives in Washington state (Tacoma). A state where she is legally protected from discrimination but as she pointed out, what if she decided to go to college in a state where she wasn't protected. Adding, "How is that even American?" 

My only question is why was Sheila the only transgender person there? What happened to all those national organizations which are always asking for my support or money???

On the other hand, we need all the bright, brave and young trans voices we can get to further the transgender cause.

Another Step Closer

 My partner Liz and I crossed another milestone recently when she secured a time for her first Covid vaccine. Her date is coming up Monday. 

When she completes both of her vaccinations, it means we are a giant step closer to being able to venture out again in the public's eye. Most importantly to me, I will have the chance to see my daughter and three grandkids again. 

Liz and I from Christmas party two years ago. I loved it when her heels made her taller than me!

Also, I will have the opportunity to interact with the public as a transgender woman. Looking ahead, I wonder how many lessons I will have to relearn, if any.  Interestingly, Liz has been indicating she wants to "experiment" with my hair and make up, which she has never dome in our past. In her past, she dabbled in being an Avon cosmetic person and I have settled into a real makeup routine which may need some updating. Truthfully, my "routine" has become wearing less and less makeup. I still rely on my nightly skin care routine and exfoliation when I shave to get me by. Of course now makeup is less important when a mask covers a significant part of your face anyhow.

My problem is too that in my quest to be a "natural" woman, I have a tendency to revert back to looking more like my old male self. Even though a feminized version due to the hormone replacement therapy I have been on. 

As always I have set my expectations too high as far when we can begin to rejoin society again. 

I am sure I will experience no major lifestyle changes. I just want to return to somewhat the same existence I enjoyed before. You notice I wrote "somewhat."

Another Transgender First

 "Leyna Bloom" has become the first transgender woman of color to  be featured in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

Leyna is an American actress, model, dancer and activist. The Swimsuit issue is not her first big feature as she was the first openly transgender woman of color to appear in Vogue India.

Coming Soon

 

FYI, the email you see is my other email under my legal name which I changed nearly five years ago. 

It's another story I will get into in another blog post.

I will send out this reminder again as we get closer to the presentation which is part of the Trans Ohio Transgender Month of Visibility.

Close to Home

 

Diamond :Kyree' Sanders, a black transgender woman  has been murdered here in Cincinnati, Ohio. She was only 23 and loved fashion and travel. 

While detectives did consider whether the incident could have been a hate crime, a Cincinnati Police Department spokesperson said the force now believes the killing “had nothing to do with the victim’s lifestyle”. .Her cellphone and purse were stolen. 

This is yet another example of how careful we need to be as we lose our male privileges as we transition into a feminine world. 

More on Transgender Attraction

 Connie commented on the Cyrsti's Condo "Attraction" post:

"As I approach both my 70th birthday and 49th wedding anniversary, attraction is quite different than it was before. While I don't feel lonely, I do feel a loss. I was lucky that my transition to living as a woman was accepted by my wife, but the relationship changed. We were friends before we married, and, while that part has only strengthened over the years, romance was placed on the back burner years ago. Of course, it's much more complicated than just that, as there are other factors (many of them having to do with health) that I won't divulge here. Love and companionship create a bond that can be so much stronger than physical attraction.

I could write of a multitude of occasions when someone was attracted to me as a trans woman. It has never been the case that I consciously attempted to cause any of them. I have been "hit on" by men (both gay and straight), women (both cis and trans), and even a trans man. In each case, I have asked myself what it was that attracted them to me. As far as I know, none of them could have been sure of my genitalia or the "authenticity" of my breasts. In at least a couple encounters, I'm not even sure they knew I was a trans woman. I'm not naïve enough that I believe they were all attracted to my sparkly personality, either.

I decided long ago that, although I can adeptly create the illusion that there is a female body beneath my clothing, it doesn't matter - because I know there is not. The only way, now, that I would feel sexually attractive would be if I had female genitalia and breasts. The fact is that if I don't feel attractive the way I am, then I wouldn't be interested in anyone else who might be attracted to me this way, either.

I know it is largely due to my dysphoria that causes me to feel the way I do. Thank God I have a wife who values our love, companionship, and close friendship as much as I do. Those are pretty attractive qualities, in themselves, after all."

Thanks for the comment! 

As I have said many times, my major contact with genders when I began to come out as a transgender woman came from cis women, mainly lesbians although one of my first dates was with a trans man. Although I like to deceive myself into thinking the majority of attraction came from how I presented myself, the reality was my attraction came from the fact I was different. I am a firm believer in most cis women aren't as grounded in a strict gender binary as men are. So my gender blurring was a plus to them.

Plus my attraction could have been my desire to live an authentic life on a cis woman's side of the gender spectrum. 

To be certain there are no easy answers.

Wow! She Transitioned Well!

 Yesterday I wrote a Cyrsti's Condo post on Nicole Maines transgender character being part of the features in the new DC Comics Pride Anthology issue. At the same time I noticed a post in Femulate from Stana. Without a doubt we all have different distances to travel in our public presentations as we transition genders. 

Take Nicole Maines for example.  She gained "passing privilege early in life from her parents when she was accepted for who she really was. She was "allowed" to not go through testosterone poisoning before and during puberty.  Even to the point of becoming a transgender activist at an early age. I am sure most of us would feel so fortunate to have been in the same situation. 

Now, let's take Stana from Femulate for example. In her recent post, she described how she was mistakenly confused by an intake person as being a feminine person. She has always written concerning being a "feminine" male. Again, you can see from her wonderful pictures how well she has transitioned. Or maybe she would argue she didn't transition at all. She is just living as her authentic self.  

Then, there are the rest of us. All have faced differing levels of being able to try our best to present a feminine image. If you see many true photos on line (which are getting harder and harder to find) you will see many who have struggled with the basics of transitioning.

The sad part, or even tragic part is all of us are only trying to do what comes naturally. Forget the transition word, we were always girls and women. The only beneficial part of not being particular feminine was I was able to fool the bullies and they left me alone. 

My most recent example came yesterday when I went to the Cincinnati VA Hospital for my second vaccine.  When I went in for my first shot, I was mis-gendered at least three times which nearly broke my heart. This time, I gathered my resolve to not get mis-gendered so many times. I spent extra time on my eye makeup, since my eyes would be the only part of my face which would be seen. I also spent extra time trying to style my hair different. Again, looking ahead to wearing a mask.

The good news was this trip I wasn't mis-gendered at all.  More than likely, the year off from interacting with the public I have gone through has made me lazy when it comes to my feminine presentation. 

At the least, maybe someone will think I transitioned well.

In the Comics

 Nicole Maines (below) , "Supergirl's" first transgender television  super hero  will now be featured in a  DC Pride  anthology comic. 

 From Wikipedia:

"Nicole Amber Maines (born October 7, 1997) is an American actress and transgender rights activist. She was the anonymous plaintiff, Susan Doe, in the Maine Supreme Judicial Court case Doe v. Regional School Unit 26 regarding gender identity and bathroom use in schools"

As an aside, Nicole and her identical twin brother Jonas were adopted at birth  and grew up in Portland, Maine.

Attraction?

 Unfortunately, too many transgender women and/or trans men are very lonely. Along the way on our transgender path we face obstacles from family and spouses which causes us to break up relationships. Also, transitioning later in life adds to the pressure of restarting our lives as another gender. So many  transgender women  face the daunting task of overcoming years and years of testosterone poisoning. All of a sudden, the bodies which have served us so well (even though we hated them) are no longer wanted or needed.

I started my search to gender transition in my early sixties after putting myself through an intense process to determine if I really wanted to undertake such a  serious project. I have always believed changing genders is one of the most difficult and/or painful undertakings a human can attempt. 

As I explored the feminine world, the more natural I became and I decided to move forward into what I referred to as the high maintenance gender. More than likely I was fortunate in that I was on the cusp of being able to pass in the world.

After a painful period when I tried to live a dual gender life, which ultimately led me to a suicide attempt, I decided enough was enough and I left my male self behind. Then I jumped off the deep end and started hormone replacement therapy.

All of this brings me back to my attraction topic. As I transitioned, I was very lonely too. Not to mention confused. Was I supposed to reject a lifetime of being attracted to women and switch to men? The answer came quickly for me as I explored several dating sites and continued my routine of going out to non gay venues. Even though I did have several interactions with men, for the most part either stood up by guys or treated as sort of a curiosity. 

On the other hand, I found many more women were attracted to me in my new gender than ever were when I was a man. Ironically, it was two lesbians who helped usher me into the feminine world and another lesbian who I still live with nine years later. 

As I indicated, I was fortunate for  the wrong reasons. For instance, I was so lonely because my wife of twenty five years passed away very suddenly. So I had no disapproving spouse to worry about.  I was on my own.

Over the years, I have been asked how I rebounded to where I am today. The answer is I flooded the dating sites and kept on trying. I had my fair share of trash as I would change my profile from seeking men to seeking women as a transgender person. Finally I hit pay dirt and was rewarded with another relationship I never thought I would be part of again this late in life. (71)

I am also on occasion slightly amused by the transgender women  who are looking for a "good man" not realizing they are in competition with the majority of all cis women in society. 

Indeed, attraction is a fickle beast, especially when it involves transgender humans.   

Patti Harrison

 Disney’s new animated film Raya and the Last Dragon has sparked debates about whether the two main characters, Raya and her enemy Namaari, are queer or not. Yet even as the major studio has decided to leave the sexuality of their main characters ambiguous, there’s one instance of explicit queer representation in the film: Patti Harrison’s appearance in the small role of Tail Chief. It makes Harrison the first known transgender actor to appear in a Disney animated film, as pointed out by Out.

Daniielle Alexis.

This is Daniielle Alexis.

 Alexis (above) is an Australian-born transgender woman on an acting visa in the US - and she is fully embracing her Hollywood trailblazer status.

After overcoming bullying, family struggles and discrimination, she is now living life on her own terms.

Before her move to Los Angeles, the West Australian appeared in popular Aussie television shows such as Wentworth and The Heights.

International Women's Day

 International Women's Day was yesterday, so yes I am a little late in mentioning it. In many ways I feel justified being late in mentioning it because of how transgender women are largely ignored.  

Since women of all types have been hit so hard by the pandemic, I understand the urgency of any sort of a quality push for gender equality. 

As a woman of transgender experience, I feel added pressure to "fit in" in society. After all, we trans folks, woman or man, have to blend into on some occasions and have to be better on other occasions than our cis gender counterparts. Plus, it's so much harder to obtain quality employment, housing and insurance which also needs addressed.

So, on this late "International Women's Day" post, I'm having a difficult time getting enthused. Even though I have been welcomed to play in the cis women's mailbox on occasion, perhaps it's my impostor syndrome which is keeping me from feeling totally equal.

Then again, maybe someday the world will catch up to our world and transgender women will truly be able to be included in the Women's Day observance. 

Toxicity

 Connie (below) responded to the Cyrsti's Condo recent post concerning me connecting with one of my previous employees, or more precisely...she contacted me. 

Here is the comment:

"Even in this very left-leaning city of Seattle, there are pockets of toxicity. One needs only to drive a few miles out of town to find it, as well. I've had my share of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" and "Lola" experiences, myself. Nobody needed to tell me that my business would have suffered, had I come out, as I depended on the patronage of building contractors (not always the most liberal-thinking people). My own dysphoria ended up sabotaging my business, so that (I thought) I could move forward with my transition. Ironically, this caused a great hindrance for me to have the finances with which to do so.

 Securing any kind of employment as a woman became more difficult, not only because I was trans, but I couldn't even provide references without outing myself to past, present and future business associates in the process. There exists a passive toxicity, in that most employers will consider the possibility of drama that could accompany the hiring of a trans woman - especially for a management position. Basically, I've only been able to find low-paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement. In fact, the only thing advanced about me is my age, and that just makes the whole thing worse.

 I changed my name and gender, legally, in 2015, when I was 63-years-old. I had thought about delaying the changes in order to secure employment, as my male self, with a company that I knew would have accommodated my transition later. I know people who have done this successfully, yet I just felt it to be wrong for me. It felt, to me, like going through the back door, rather than being the honest and straightforward person (woman) I wanted to be. After all, I had been living a lie for so many years, and I was just plain tired playing that game of deception. The game itself is toxic - and of my own creation. Just as transphobia can be internalized, so can the toxicity. Sometimes, I think, moving away from toxicity involves more than finding a new location. It can also mean that we have to let go of those internal demons that keep us from moving forward - not only with transitioning, but with life."

Thanks for the comment! To be sure, you are right, the transgender journey we have pursued is by nature full of toxicity. 

I was fortunate in that when I decided to do my MTF gender transition, I had the resources (barely) to just retire and go on to change my life. Then again, along the way, I considered the feasibility of joining a new company and then transitioning. But at that time the restaurant business I was part of was a very conservative patriarchal industry. So, starting over in a new profession as I transitioned was even more daunting. 

The toxicity levels I was about to face were tremendous. I took the easy way out and didn't face them at all.
 

 

Another Transgender First

 Tashnuva Anan (below) becomes Bangladesh's first  transgender news anchor!

Rosa Montezuma

 From Panama, transgender beauty pageant model Rosa Montezuma:

Thanks Tonya

 Perhaps you recall the Cyrsti's Condo post I wrote not long ago about the former server/acquaintance I employed years ago before I transitioned.

When I responded to her Facebook friend request, I was almost certain from there she would try to get ahold of me. Early last night, she did. 

Very early in the Facebook Messenger conversation, she was very complimentary as far as my appearance is concerned.  For whatever reason of course, any compliment I receive does wonders for my gender dysphoria. 

Not long into the conversation I asked her if the tavern we used to go to in our hometown was still open. She said she was going to ask me the same question. It turns out she moved from our medium sized city at approximately the same time which was seven years for her and close to that for me. She said the town had become toxic to her.

Even though I had not thought about it, the amount of toxic feedback I received (real or imagined) made it easier for me to move too. Along the way, due to me finally giving up the ruse of leaving my house as my true self , the word finally escaped of my desire to transition to a woman. I faced passive and forced aggression from people I knew. An example was the 4th of July party I went to with my deceased wife when the DJ who used to work for me just "happened" to play "Dude looks Like a Lady" when we arrived. Worse yet was when a long time acquaintance told me my reputation would ruin my business. 

So, Tonya was right, the toxicity got to me too.

My partner Liz even noticed it from our earliest days together when she said I had "sad eyes".

Hell, my very own brother wouldn't even back me up. I was fortunate though when my daughter,  her in-laws, and of course Liz and her family accepted me as a transgender woman. 

In conclusion, here is a picture of me you probably have seen from the toxic days.  Circa 2014.

Meetings

 Over the past several days, I have been somewhat busy with going to the vampires for a phlebotomy (when they take a pint of blood out) and virtually attending our monthly Dayton Rainbow Alliance Board meeting.   

The trip to see the infusion vampires was fairly uneventful and didn't even hurt much this time. What hurt me worse was being called "sir" by one of the new women at the clinic. She quickly reversed her gendering to miss after noticing whom she was talking to. Other than that, not much happened as my veins were working well and the whole experience was done before I knew it. It's too bad the blood can't be put to a good use. They take it out when my iron level exceeds a certain point.

The meeting also went well. First of all, the person running it kept everything moving and the information coming. I have a very short attention span and get bored easily.

I did get a chance to bring up my upcoming Trans Ohio presentation on transgender aging issues. I wasn't surprised when the whole idea  was well received and then again, no one really knew anyone who is transgender and living in assisted care. Or a nursing home. 

Now all I really have to do is lock down which format I will use to present it. The organizers at Trans Ohio would like me use the transgender/crossdresser support group Facebook Live platform, which now means I have to find out who to contact to do it.

No big deal.

Before I go, here is one of my fave photos taken a couple years ago at a Trans Ohio seminar with a statue of the Ohio State University mascot, Brutus Buckeye:

What a Wonderful World it Would Be

 Just think if all the conservative Republicans' energy and ideas went into solving our nations' basic problems such as hunger, housing and education to name a few. Instead of pressuring transgender athletes.

 I think "Kira Moore" (below)  said it best:

"I’ve been looking through various Transgender news feeds and all I’m seeing are stories about all of the Republican bills being introduces across the country as if there weren’t any other pressing issues which need attention and honestly, I am sick and tired of it. If this pack of rabbid fundamintalist evangalical busy bodies spent half the energy on real problems such as homelessness, poverty, or education, everyone's lives could be improved a thousand fold. Yet what are they all fired up about? Trans women and girls playing sports or worse yet, proper medical care for trans youth. WTAF?"

Great point!

More Looking Ahead

 While I am on the subject if looking ahead to the days of relative freedom  I desperately hope is on the way, I found another picture to share from one of Liz and I's Trans-Ohio seminars which we made into a mini vacation.

From 2019. I was very intoxicated when I took this selfie!

Looking Ahead

Since March has arrived and I am less than two weeks away from receiving my second Covid vaccine, I am finally beginning to look at the light at the end of the tunnel being freedom. During the year which has just passed when the pandemic started Liz and I have only been out to eat three times. 

During that time, I learned how much I have missed the public interaction I was enjoying.  To the point (as I've mentioned before) I am even looking forward to my upcoming phlebotomy when the vampires take a pint of blood from me.

To further "re-live" the good old days, I found this picture to share from a couple years ago in the summer time. When I was out on a dog walk in the nearby park.

 

 

Do I Know You?

 On occasion, my interaction with Facebook continues to dismay and amaze. 

Last night it seemed all the "crazies" were out on FB...including me. Sometimes when I am bored I will sarcastically interact with someone just to see (or experience) the reaction I get. I was rewarded when I got someone's panties in a bunch simply by writing my disapproval of heavily filtered pictures. I was rewarded with a tirade which referred to me as being transphobic as well as other things. Not looking for a fight, I just let the whole matter slip away. 

This morning though, I was greeted with a totally different friend request.  It's very rare, I encounter any requests from my hometown. Not only did I receive one but the woman I received it from actually used to work for me in one of my restaurants I managed.

At my peak, I managed (or tried to) a staff of over seventy five front of the house servers, hostesses and bartenders in my busiest unit. As I looked at the picture and name, my rusty noggin slowly came to the realization the person sending me a friend request indeed was one of my former servers.  I knew this because of one of our mutual friends and the fact she was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey in one of her pictures.

Overall, the memories of this time of my life were very sad. It was during the period when I lost several dear friends and my wife to various diseases. Plus my gender dysphoria was running at an all time high as I explored if I wanted to, or could, live in a feminine world as a transgender woman. 

As I returned to reality, I was so happy to have lived through the "dark ages" of my life to get to the existence I have now.

To make a long story short, I accepted her friend request. It will be interesting now if or when I will hear back from her.