You Can't Buy Love

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Jessie Hart Archives

 One of the first lessons I learned when I was first brave enough to date girls was spending more money equaled to more dates with certain girls. Sadly, the plainer the girl, the less potential spending was going to happen. When I flipped my gender, I found out how evil it was.

As a transgender woman, I was or am not the prettiest woman in the room. As such, I never managed to have many dating interactions with men who most of which just saw me as some fetish object. They wanted the first date to be a motel room. I drew the line at any sketchy first dates and demanded a meeting in a public place of my choice. What happened then was a predictable amount of being stood up on possible dates. While I did have a couple meaningful dates with men, often they were unscripted moments in the regular venues I went to often. One night in particular happened with a man called Bob who treated me completely as a woman and I loved it. He lived far away and was married so there was no chance at any further involvement. 

Through that period of my life I was questioning my sexuality also so any dates with men added to my possible knowledge. The farthest I ever went was very brief episodes of heavy petting or making out. From it all, I learned I still preferred the attention and company of women. With the help of a few female friends I learned the meaning of what it meant to be to be a transgender lesbian. In order to do it, I found I didn't have to have a lot of money spent on me to be happy. I was more into spending more money on my feminine self to attempt to improve my public's appearance. I ended up saving every extra penny I had to buy that next extra wig I didn't really need to be more attractive than ever before. At least in my mind. As I acquired more fashion and makeup, slowly but surely was acquiring more acquaintances to try my new fashion out on.   

Which leads me to another woman I don't mention much anymore who is Amy. Amy is the woman who recommended me practice with a banana to get ready for my intimate moments with men. So as you can tell she wasn't shy. One day in particular  with her comes to mind when she invited me over to her house for a spaghetti dinner with friends. I didn't really ask who else was coming, I jumped at the chance to enjoy a home made dinner. Fashion wise, Amy had only seen me in my short denim skirt days, so I decided to wear one over to her house again not thinking who else would be there. It turned out she also invited two men so the group included a cis woman, a transgender woman and two men who were seemingly ill at ease with me. I made the decision to join Amy in the kitchen and serve the men their delicious Italian dinner. I decided if the men were going to be ill at ease with me, I wasn't . I enjoyed the meal, helped clean up the mess, stopped to socialize with Amy and left the men behind. Just another learning experience.

I finally was able to slow down on expenditures on fashion and makeup and spend more on my personal interactions. My experience with dealing with both sides of the binary gender spectrum helped me to truly understand what buying love really meant. I understood both genders often expect intimacy in return for how much money you spend. The last woman I ever dated me as a man suggested to me we go to an expensive steakhouse for food before our first date. I politely saw through what she was up to and declined and we went to a more reasonably priced venue of my choice. Probably dooming our relationship from the beginning. She was quite attractive and a diva to begin with so I figured she thought she could do better than me and our brief fling ended after three or four dates.

Since we live in a money driven society, buying love is hard to do and even more difficult to resist as a transgender woman.  

Following the Path

 

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The path I followed as I chased my gender truth at times turned out to be very difficult. 

It all started with having a very unaccepting family environment and continued from there. Similar to so many of you, I needed to wait for just the right time to pull out my small stash of girls clothes and cross dress. Because of that my available times to dress up and do my best to follow my new path were few and far between. Plus, the signs I desperately were looking for were distant and difficult to read. When I came to gender cross roads, I was having a hard time figuring out which one to follow. 

This was all happening during my pre teen years so I was confused enough about my life to start with. On top of the usual questions kids had growing up, I had added problems wondering what gender I was, all the way to my sexuality. I felt as if I was attracted to girls during puberty but the how I was attracted became the problem. I was facing the sexuality issue of desiring women because I wanted to have sex with them when all I really wanted was to be them. To make matters worse, I was extremely shy around people I didn't know. Especially girls. None of it was making my path any easer to follow.

To make matters worse, when I was in high school, the political powers to be decided to dramatically expand the United States presence in Southeast Asia or the Vietnam War in particular. On top of all my other worries I needed to add possibly being drafted to serve in the military. Not a good feeling to carry with me all those years. How could I possibly serve if I didn't want to be a man at all. It turned out, I didn't have the choice after I stayed in college for four years, I was drafted anyhow and my path became very clouded. 

The best I could, I went down my path adding three years in the Army to my life experiences. At the least, I had more knowledge of the world to base my gender decisions off of. Or, at least I thought so. Not long after I was discharged from the military, I went through the life altering experience of having witnessed the birth of my first and only child, a daughter who turned out to be my biggest supporter to this day.

As I was building a rather successful life as a man, I also began to explore other cross roads on my gender path. Possibly the biggest one was when I started to think of myself as more than just a casual cross dresser and more of the newly minted transgender individual. Most certainly just thinking I was trans rather than a guy in a dress petrified me. To make up for all my gender fears, I did my best to hide my true authentic self from the world. When I did, I kept hitting more and more dead ends on my path. 

Years later, as I was stumbling along attempting to find my way, I sustained so many bumps and bruises I could take it no longer. I made the effort to see a doctor and be approved for HRT and all of a sudden my path became more of a highway to my future. I guess it was more like an interstate as I was able to easily pass more and more milestones on my journey. 

It certainly took me long enough to get to my destination but once I did, it was all worth it.

Fear of Gender

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I have always thought those who protest too strenuously over the LGBTQ community as a whole or the transgender community in particular are very afraid of their own gender feelings or sexuality.

The whole reality of gender bigots coming out of their shells in public has happened because they have been emboldened by a certain former president and his party supporters. While, at the same time wealthy MAGA financers have made it possible for them to pursue their bigoted goals at the state political levels. My native state of Ohio is a prime example. A fundamentalist Baptist preacher has been leading the charge to erase all transgender care in the state. In response, the state legislature has already passed bills restricting any care for transgender youth under the age of eighteen. To make matters worse, they have plans to try again to expand the bill to all transgender women and men in the state in the future. So far they have failed and the ACLU has promised to take the state to court over it's bills. 

As I put my anger aside for a moment, I paused and wondered what skeletons the Baptist turned politician had against me. Similar to all of the other transgender people I know, we are just trying to lead a quiet life. The better we are at staying out of the public eye, the better. Plus, don't get me started on what I feel about churches who do more than dabble in partisan politics. 

I shouldn't be surprised with a Baptist preacher leading the anti-trans charge here in Ohio since my brother's in laws are all fundamentalist Baptists and he chose them over me when I came out to him. As much as it hurt, I got over it and we have not communicated in over a decade.

All ranting aside, I am a firm believer in the power of gender to transcend and take over any other paranoia a human may have. From birth we largely have our gender chosen for us. Like it or not, using me as an example, I was obviously born a boy or male but I grew up to be a transgender woman. Not completing the gender journey I was assigned would have led me to an early death. It is my opinion, the most oppressive of the gender bigots have a fear of their true selves. They protest too much as many are clutching their crosses while they are doing it. It is tragic when people hate so much. I don't expect the public to understand me  but I don't expect hate either.

I am lucky to live in a fairly liberal part of Ohio, far away from the area where the ultra anti transgender preacher lives. So my activism comes primarily from my writings, my out-reach attempts with groups such as the Alzheimer's Association and participating in Veterans LGBTQ groups. It is essential for me to let them know how urgent the anti-transgender situation is in Ohio. Sadly I can only do a very little to financially support candidates I knew will help our cause. 

I don't suppose I will ever understand why anyone who wants to harm a person in the LGBTQ community because if you are gay and or lesbian you can't think eventually the gender bigots won't come for your rights also. They are using the weaker transgender community as a starting point. Even if you are a cross dresser deep into your closet, you need to consider your gender future and vote accordingly. 

We all need you!

Sizing Up the Crowd

 

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Recently, when I met friends at a local brew pub for brunch, I needed to walk the distance of what was called the "great hall" to meet the group.

Once again I needed to make sure I was standing up as straight as I could, while throwing my shoulders back and faced the reality all transgender women face, was I going to be spotted as some sort of a gender impostor and even laughed at. I didn't and even though the brief walk felt as if it went on forever, I made it to our table without incident. At that point I thought I had it made, until the young server called me "sir". Which is another sad experience I have previously written about. 

For some reason, when I transitioned into a feminine transgender world, I didn't think the public would share the same fascination with studying other women as I did. I can't tell you how many times my old guy self aggravated my second wife (and others) by trying to sneak a peek at an attractive woman. For whatever reason, I couldn't explain to them I wasn't looking because I desired the woman, it was because I wanted to be the woman. At the time, I was having a difficult time wondering if I could ever achieve my dream of cross dressing out of my old unwanted male self. There were so many working parts of a woman to duplicate, the whole process seemed impossible. I needed to fashion my own hips, breasts and hair just to arrive at a point where I could put the entire feminine package into motion. 

It wasn't until I began to leave my dark and lonely gender closet behind and attend transvestite mixers did I begin to think I could succeed. Through the help of the mixers, I was able to judge how other cross dressers were successful with their presentations...or won't. I saw everything from men in beards and dresses, all the way to beautiful transgender women who were completely undetectable as former boys or men. As I sized up the crowd, I knew which direction I was headed. Most certainly I did not want to be with the bearded crowd and wondered to myself if the transsexual group was where I needed to be. Keep in mind, this was back before the transgender label was widely understood or used. What amazed me too was how intense the pressure was to size up the crowd and fit in to where you belonged. 

Little did I know, I was just beginning my trip out of the closet and into the world and I would need to obsess on my appearance until I gained the confidence to go forward as the person I was. Deep down I knew I would never be the prettiest woman in the room, I just wanted to be the trans woman at peace with herself. So when the crowd sized me up, they recognized who I truly was and it was good enough. I learned also, the greatest majority of the world didn't care about me anyhow and they were involved in their own little worlds. My second wife was always fond of telling me it always wasn't all about me when it came to my cross dressing and she was right. It was just the ones who did care who became the problem. As I made my way along my gender path, I was fortunate to dodge most of the haters and live my life without severe incidents.

I am a firm believer in the younger generation doesn't see gender as a threat and in the future sizing up a younger crowd will be less of a threat to transgender women and men everywhere. I, on the other hand, when I chose to live a life as the high maintenance gender chose to always be on the stage of life. 

How the Heck did I Get Here

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In many ways, this post is an extension of yesterdays. 

When I woke up this morning following a night of having multi gendered dreams, I glanced at my femininized body and wondered how I arrived here. The answer of course is not an easy one to come by. Plus, most of you have followed a similar path. You started in the mirror and slowly made your way into the public's eye. Some of you actually made it as a transgender woman in the public and others still make it as a cross dresser on line with your own blog. Whatever path you take, perhaps you wonder also how the heck did I get here on the gender divide.

I know many of us offer up the suggestion we had no choice because of the effects of the pregnancy medication "D.E.S.". Here is a description: " DES is a synthetic form of female hormone estrogen . It was prescribed to women between  1940 and 1971 for problem pregnancies."

Even though I will never know for sure, I am positive my Mom probably was prescribed the medication because she suffered through several still births before I came along. In the transgender community it has long been suspected being subjected to an overdose of estrogen in the womb, set us on a path to being trans. So essentially I didn't have a choice on the life I eventually determined I had to lead. 

I had several main gender cross roads to navigate before I could arrive where I was this morning. The tragic part was, I couldn't stop to appreciate my work and all I had gone through. All the times I was stared at, or even laughed at when I was a novice in the world as a transgender or cross dressed person. All the time I wondered all the gender hassles I was going through to figure out where I was going was the right way. After all, I was walking the tight rope on sacrificing my entire life as I knew it. All to jump into a life as a transgender woman I didn't know if I could do at all. 

Finally, I could take the pressure no longer and I decided to take the plunge and transition into a new world. I knew deep down I really didn't have a choice after I tried suicide which was tied to my gender issues. Maybe all along, I truly did not have a choice and just had to do it. At that point, destiny led me to seek out a new group of women friends who helped me along in my journey. Plus the new gender affirming hormones I was on proved I was doing the right thing for a change. It was as if my body recognized the new hormones as doing the right thing and all the resulting changes I recently wrote about felt so natural. As my life changed, so did my mental health as my long hidden female soul kept telling me I told you so.

Now I wonder how long it will take for my old male life to fade away and I won't have to be so amazed by my body when I wake up in the morning. I will be to recognize my body for what it is and should have been all along. 

Emergence

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During our long and twisted gender journeys we have points of emergence. 

I always prefer to explain to others I experienced more than one transition. I feel as if the first portion of my life as a cross dresser in the mirror was one part of my life and coming out as transgender was another. The whole process took me years too long to discover. Much too long observing transsexuals around me to see if I wanted to or even go the route they were headed. Ultimately I decided I did not want to undergo sex change surgery as it was known back in those days. Also expected or recommended was you needed to move away and assume an entire new life. I was selfish and never wanted to totally give up my past I worked so hard to obtain. Plus, I didn't have the life background a couple of my acquaintances had who had gone the gender distance by having surgery.

One of the people I knew was a soon to retire fireman with a good pension to fall back on and the other was an accomplished electrical engineer who would not have a difficult time maintaining a job. Not to mention, both were drop dead gorgeous. At the time, I was far from retirement in an industry which would have been nearly impossible to transition in. Also, I was very insecure about my feminine appearance. Even with all of those factors going against me, I still was intrigued by the possibilities my gender future presented to me. All I really knew was I needed to discover how my path would open a new world of emergence for me.

My potential emergence as a transgender woman was an exciting time for me. Discoveries were like no other I had ever experienced in my life. Directly and indirectly, I was exploring everything from my new feminine life to what would become of my sexuality. At the same time, I needed to consider a wife I loved very much who was dead set against me going any farther in my quest to be a transgender woman but never had any problems with my cross dressing tendencies. It was as if she never liked or even tolerated my inner woman. It was difficult for me to learn my new gender ropes when she was against me but I did. 

Along the way, diverse parties and mixers assisted me in my emergence. By doing so, I was able to test out how well my possible new world was working. I even had the rare time, my wife didn't come along to keep track of what I was doing. Needless to say, the times she wasn't with me led my times to be more productive. Primarily, I discovered negative interactions with a few men, all the way to positive interactions with lesbians I met. All lessons which turned out to be very important in my emergence as an out transgender woman. Ultimately, I decided against the surgeries but completely wanted the lifestyle. After all, my gender was between my ears and not between my legs.

Overall, my gender emergence was never easy but all worth it in the short and long term. In essence, an entire new set of life lessons. 

Running as Hard as I Can

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Throughout my life, I frenetically ran from one thing to another.

In theory I was never much of a runner and only ran  when I was forced to during times I was in the Army and/or played football. So running never came naturally to me. for some reason though, when I was discharged from the military was when I free to face the world again would I settle down or run again. My answer started to emerge. It didn't take long as  I remembered when I was discharged and was heading home to Ohio from Ft. Dix in New Jersey. Before I arrived home, I had the entire Pennsylvania Turnpike to drive. Before I did so,  I paused for a second to ponder what I was going to do with my life. Surprisingly, at that time gender played just a small part of my future. Perhaps I was saving my gender issues for the future. 

Possibly also, at the time, I was still basking in the glow of coming out as a transvestite or cross dresser to three of my closest friends in the Army. Included in the group was a woman who was also in the Army. We had worked out she would meet me following her discharge and we would decide what would come next in our relationship. After we decided to visit her parents in California from Ohio, we decided to get married and as I said, she was fully versed in my gender issues. At least to the point which I considered them to be. At the time, I considered myself a serious cross dresser and I had a long way to go to being transgender.

As time went by, I switched professions from being a commercial radio disc jockey to the restaurant industry which at the time was expanding rapidly. To support my new family (daughter), I needed to be able to make more money. During the same time, I wedged in buying a small bar with a friend which eventually became a fairly successful pizza and beer restaurant. To make matters worse, I was beginning to feel the gender pressures I would need somehow to learn to live with. Even though I managed to dress in drag on various Halloween parties I went to, the rest of the time, I lived in my dark lonely gender closet knowing the next day I would be back in my male drag. 

To make up for my issues, I tried to offset my thoughts by moving our home as well as switching jobs. In addition, when I could, I tried to participate in civic groups which gave back to the community. Anything it seemed to take my mind off my desire to be feminine. Along the way my second wife and I moved from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area and then back to a new very rural area of Ohio which bordered on West Virginia. In the space of a couple years we went from living in very upscale Westchester County, New York to living in a farmhouse near the Muskingum River in Ohio where we heated with wood and needed water trucked in during times of the year which were drier than others. I was running from my problems as fast as I could.

The end result was I finally had enough and I needed to face my problems head on. One lonely night, I realized I had experienced enough of living a transgender life, I wanted to live it full time. My old male self had lost the battle and my new life felt so natural. 

It turned out I was never very good at running to start with. 

   

Upping your Game

 

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As I followed my winding gender path towards living a life as a fulltime transgender woman, there were many times when I needed to up my game if I wanted to keep going.

Along the way, there were simply too many blind curves and dead ends to count. For some reason, I hitched up my new big girl panties and proceeded forward. Sometimes it was just a touch of gender euphoria I experienced which kept me going. For some reason, one of the euphoric experiences I felt was one of the nights I went to a diverse private gender party in nearby Columbus, Ohio. For the evening I decided to match up my black tights with my black shorts, loose black net sweater and red wig, I was aiming for an upscale casual look and was confident I achieved it. What escapes me now is what my wife was doing that evening because I am sure she would have disapproved. No matter what outfit I put together to wear. I just know for whatever reason, she was not there. Leaving me free to explore and explore I did.  

At the party, I was always used to upping my game because often there were the prettiest of the pretty people attending. I knew I couldn't out do them but just did not want to embarrass myself either. It turned out I didn't at the party which turned out to be a look into the future for me when it came to my sexuality. During the evening I met and got along with a lesbian who was attending for the first time. In fact, we got along so well, we decided to leave the party and go downtown to a well known lesbian venue I had been to many times. Nothing really happened between us and we returned to the party. The importance of the meeting was I proved to myself I could conceivably live a life as a transgender lesbian if I upped my game enough. If I did, I wouldn't have to ever worry about attracting a standoffish man again. Who, for the most part ignored me or treated me as some sort of a fetish object.  

As it turned out, just when I thought I had reached a successful stopping point to rest in my gender journey, something else came along and again and again I needed to up my game. I didn't realize until much later I was building a whole new person and needed all the help I could get. I found I was doing so much more than just doing my best to appear as a woman, I needed to communicate with the entire world as one also. On occasion, the only clarity I had was I knew I needed to keep going and some day I might be able to live my lifelong dream of living a feminine life. 

Ironically, I was able to find my way thanks to a close group of lesbian friends I found and was accepted by. In addition to my other life lessons I learned the basics of being a woman who did not need the validation of a man to thrive in the world. Thanks to them, I was able to keep upping my game and progressing along my gender path as I was losing all of my male privilege. 

Perhaps, most importantly, I didn't have to worry about my sexuality anymore and was able to eventually marry my wife Liz who identified as a lesbian also. She really helped me to up my game and succeed in life as a trans woman. 

Gender Euphoria

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When I consider the balance of my gender life , I sometimes try to break down the amount of time I felt dealing with my gender dysphoria versus the rarer moments of gender euphoria. In my down times of dealing with my gender issues, euphoria for whatever reason kept me going. 

Similar to so many of you, I experienced many nights of dread, not knowing where my life was heading as well as wondering why me and should I just give up and try the impossible, to purge all my feminine clothes and makeup then give up on my feminine self. Following the first couple of rather expensive purges I went through I gave up on the useless practice. Mainly because I felt so natural when I was exploring my true self. Even though I started out in the mirror being my only friend fortunately my life's destiny was directing me the correct way. 

The path I chose was very bumpy along the way and involved many wrong turns. There were many decisions to be made such as what to do about my family, friends and finances not to mention one big one...my sexuality. Did I follow the main thought pattern of the day and transition then disappear and start a new life with a man? I followed my instincts and allowed my new life to play out complete with all the effects of gender dysphoria and euphoria. 

Mainly, since I was far from what I called a "natural" when it came to presenting well as a woman. To say the process was intimidating was a big understatement.  Finally, with quite a bit of work and attention to detail, I acquired the confidence to go out and succeed in public. I stress confidence because even though I thought I passed well as a woman, I was still a transgender woman attempting a public life. I'm sure many times, my acceptance was just because people (mainly women) were just being nice to me. Or were just curious why I would want to change my gender. In the meantime, my inner battle between dysphoria and euphoria continued unabated. Some mornings when I first looked in the mirror I saw a vaguely feminine person and was satisfied but on others, the masculine image I saw sent my gender depression soaring. 

As my transgender explorations continued, so did my reliance on gender euphoria to get me by in my life. Probably, the biggest impact occurred when I decided to begin my journey on gender affirming hormones. Formerly known as HRT. In the absence of any surgeries I was not planning to aid my development in my brave new world, I decided on hormones to aid in presenting better as a transgender woman. When I did, I was able to experience more gender euphoria than I ever thought possible. My body softened, I grew breasts and extra hair and I had many unexpected internal benefits also. To simplify the process, I call it when my world began to soften. My old testosterone edge went away and a new better life began. There is one disclaimer to the hormonal process. The entire medical hormone procedure should never be attempted without medical supervision because the process can be harmful. I was just one of the many who tolerated the hormonal changes well.

My biggest example of gender euphoria happened recently when I was visibly prepping my body for a medical procedure I have to go through (colonoscopy). Most of my body hair has long since disappeared but there were a few stray hairs which needed to go away. As I was examining my naked body from the neck down, all I saw was a feminine body, complete with breasts and hips. Of course I stopped at the waist. It was enough to feel good about the changes the hormones have caused over the years. 

My euphoria later in life has seen most of the old dark gender days shrink far into my past. With just the most severe memories coming back to haunt me I am good to go. Plus, it took me awhile to recognize there is a middle ground to how I feel about dysphoria. It is never as good or as bad as it seems. The key for me was to use my dysphoria as a powerful motivator and learn to appreciate the all too brief moments of euphoria which kept me moving forward towards my impossible dream of being able to live a life as a trans woman.

Night Moves

 

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With all respect and credit given to singer Bob Seger, one of the line in his "Night Moves" song particularly resonated with me. Seger sings about having a 1960 Chevy which I had one also. Plus, I even copied Seger's lead and made out with a girl in the back seat. 

Basically, the basis of the song has to do with his early learning relationships with girls. Other than the connection with the car, I immediately made another connection with me being a transgender woman. Since I had many years to live as a heterosexual man, I had big sexual questions to answer when it came to my future feminine life. 

At the time I was coming out, I had certain cis-women friends who automatically assumed I would move my sexuality with me into all of a sudden being attracted to men. I worried how my new sexuality would effect me because I knew gender was between the ears, or in the brain, and sex was between the legs. It turned the sexuality did not matter that much to me after all. 

In order to understand where my sexuality would ultimately end up I needed to work on my own night moves. Very quickly, I found out women would still be in my future. As it turned out, not only was I going out by myself as a woman in sports bar venues (which was hard enough), I was going out as a transgender woman. Which meant greater expectations of what my night moves could mean. Along the way, I attracted very few men but on the other hand, I was approached by more women than I had ever experienced in my life. Going out to be by myself was quickly proving to be more of a failed theory than a fact. The public, mostly women, wanted to interact with me.

Of course at that time, I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship of any sort, so I didn't have any night moves at all to work on. Other than attempting to appear as presentable as I could. If I was approached by the rare man, I considered myself validated as a full fledged transgender woman. All the way to the times to I actually had dates with men. Plus there was a guy, if I had the time and would have put in the effort I could have seen myself going farther with him. The fact still remained I had no experience with flirting with a guy and all the experience flirting with another woman. 

By pure chance, all the cis-women who I became close to turned out to identify as lesbian. I think it happened for a couple of key reasons. The first of which was curiosity. The women were all curious why I wanted in their world at all. The second is I was still a mixture of some sort of a hybrid gendered man. I was certainly more mellow than any man they ever met and never made any sexual advances to speak of. I worked hard to not be the guy I didn't ever like. 

Embarking on hormones very much did away with any sexual advances I could ever consider as a so-called normal man. My doctor who initially prescribed my HRT told me was I OK with losing any sexual contact I had previously enjoyed. It didn't bother me because when I had sex with a woman, I always imagined I was a woman too.

I guess you could say since I was too shy to start dating until later in high school, I didn't have much experience with many night moves at all. What I did have was with women and it turned out it was all I needed. 

A Problem or Opportunity

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Over the years I spent too much time wondering the how's or whys of how I needed to carry my considerable gender dysphoria with me. 

It seemed the cruel truth was the more I thought I solved my problems, the more I discovered there were so many more to worry about. Examples are many. Once I became polished enough in my feminine presentation, the more I explored other frontiers which led me to other problems. You may get the idea I was in a vicious circle I struggled to get out of/. As I was able to get my high heeled foot through the door as a transgender woman, then I needed to figure out a way to communicate with the world. What about my voice? More importantly what was I saying when I tried to say it. I found (often the hard way) cis women communicate on many layers include non verbal eye cues. I was saved several dangerous or messy situations with men simply because a staff member gave me a certain look or glance to stay away from him.

At times at seemed I was overwhelmed by the amount of gender problems I was creating for myself. The whole experience was at once very terrifying and at the same time so exciting. In other words, I was turning my problems into opportunities. I was finally following my ultimate dream, to see if I could indeed live a life as a fulltime transgender woman. The opportunities took over and the problems began to fade away.

All of it required a concerted effort to pull my entire new feminine image together. A static image in a mirror or a picture was one thing but putting it all in motion was another. I'm sure we all remember the first times we attempted to walk in heels. It was difficult for me to not look like a linebacker in heels when I first began to venture out in public as a novice cross dresser or transvestite. Of course I made my share of mistakes such as wedging my heels in sidewalk cracks all the way to totally falling. Luckily all which was injured was my pride. 

Eventually I arrived at the point where I had much more opportunity than problems. I was beginning to experience much more opportunity as I began to put a totally new transgender person together. I was out of the mirror and letting the world in. For better or for worse. In the meantime, destiny took over and I was adopted by several special cis-women friends. They helped me through several of my final biggest problems. I was able to turn the problems into opportunities by sheer observation. I was used to watching women as a lifetime obsession so the whole process was normal for me. The main difference was, for a change, they included me as an equal in their world. 

Now I feel my main opportunities come from writing about my transgender experiences. All the way to increasing my volunteer time with organizations such as the Alzheimer's Association. Plus, I have a goal also to eventually become more involved again in the transgender-transvestite/cross dresser group I have been a member of for years. 

Perhaps, the term opportunity can be changed to fulfillment. 

Come On In!

Image from A Zuhri

 I mentioned this comment briefly in yesterday's post. Recently, in my newest Veteran's Administration LGBTQA+ group session. The moderator brought up a new concept, instead of coming out, in reality we transgender folk are inviting others in.

This is a fairly radical idea when you take into consideration all the anti-transgender legislation which has been unleashed upon us by a certain political party not called the Democrats. Even still. the entire idea has a positive ring to it. Imagine having the comfort level (and/or confidence) to invite friends and family in to share your deepest darkest secret. The inner secret you have carried around your entire life. I know when I came out to others for the first time, I was in some sort of a gender free fall. In essence I had been stripped of all my old male reactions to any adversity. I needed to learned quickly the different gender path I would need to take to survive.

Truth be known, cis-women have known the alternate path for years. Often, in their own way, the women said to others come on in and then they needed to sort out the fall out from there. It doesn't really matter because in everyone's life, we have to sadly face it's ups and downs. Relationships of course are included. My coming out example was very unpleasant in it's own way. It happened way back when I talked my first fiancé into dressing me head to toe as a woman. Then proceeded to still do it weeks and months later. She eventually held it against me when Uncle Sam and the military draft came a knocking when I graduated from college. She fully expected me to try to escape serving by telling the world I was gay. Which was wrong. I knew I was learning how much I didn't want to be a man but I wasn't sure I wanted to change my sexuality.

The entire series of events turned out to be an extremely beneficial  part of my life. My fiancé and I broke up and I moved on to serving three years in the Army. Ironically, the first people who I ever invited into my gender world occurred after a Halloween party I went to when I was serving in Germany. The woman who eventually ended up being my first wife and mother of my daughter essentially met me there at the party. So she was one of the few I let in. Ultimately, one of the biggest success stories of my life.

Even though I thought I was fighting the best I could letting anybody in, in truth I was pressuring myself to come out. All the Halloween parties I went too in my feminine "costume" just served notice how badly I wanted to let others in. During the parties, I  secretly rejoiced when anyone else told me how convincing I was. Later on, I pushed the gender envelope even farther by leaving the house during the day fully cross dressed as a woman. Putting everything I knew in life into jeopardy. Deep down I wanted to be caught.

Finally the whole intricate process came tumbling down. Call it what you want coming out, or letting in. It had to happen before the gender ripping and tearing nearly killed me. 

  

The Second Half

 

Image from Nik
on UnSplash

Relax, this is not another sports post...As I approached the age of sixty, my gender feeling of something not being right grew ever stronger. 

I knew then, if I didn't immediately make a move to correct my issues, I never would. Even though I was in a fairly comfortable position to keep living as a man, there was still time to get out while I still could. It would mean the possibility of sacrificing the remaining family, friends and job security. I had to do it and I still needed to move forward into a life as a transgender woman.

Once I decided to begin hormone replacement therapy and my external appearance began to change fairly quickly to an androgynous looking person there could be no turning back. The whole process took me by surprise when it happened so fast. I adjusted to the progress and moved on. I found living fulltime was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. When I threw out all my male clothes and was responsible for dressing feminine every day, the whole process changed dramatically. I needed to be able to plan long term for my appearance and not just rely on short term bursts of wardrobe creativity to get me by. Like it or not, looking at myself in the mirror every morning when I got up became a gender dysphoric process. Some days I thought I looked feminine and others I looked terrible. The same old guy.

It turned out too I had several other main issues. One of which was I going to consider any major or minor surgeries. I decided no to all because I felt I could barely present well enough to get by and I didn't need any painful major gender surgery to allow me to feel any better as a transgender woman. Plus, at my age any major surgeries such as gender realignment surgery could be a health risk to recover from. My motto became "don't pay anyone to hurt me." So I stuck with my HRT and hoped for the best and for me it worked and I didn't have the money anyhow.

The second major issue I needed to face rather quickly was how was I going to explore my sexuality once I transitioned into a transgender woman. During my life as a man, being with another man never appealed to me so would it change now? Even though I dated and kissed several men following my gender transition, I found nothing had really changed.  Being with a man most certainly validated myself as a woman in public but it didn't lead to much else. I did interact with a couple men I thought I could be friends with too but it turned out my sexuality in the future would firmly remain with women.

I became entrenched with a very kind and giving small group of cis women who I was able to learn so much from about being a woman in todays' society. When I did, my sexuality never did have to change from what I had felt my entire life. 

Other issues were more mundane yet still very important. I wasn't independently wealthy so I needed to figure out how I was going to live and support myself. I was fortunate when I grew close to early Social Security retirement age. I took it and supplemented my income by selling vintage collectables my second wife and I had collected. I remember vividly my last day at a job I disliked as I walked across the parking lot into a new world. A world where I was free enough to re-create myself as a brand new person. 

I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that new person had been there all along just waiting for her chance to emerge. She was good people which made interacting with the outside world much easier. I found very few people are ever given a second chance at life so I needed to make the most of it. 

I did and found myself moving and marrying my current wife Liz following her finding me on line over eleven years ago now. I would have never dreamed the second half of my life would take me this far.     

All the Gender Baggage

Image from UnSplash

 Sometimes I feel just like "Paris Hilton" in a recent hotel commercial when she had to reserve an adjoining room for all of her extra baggage. Completing a male to female gender transition often produces just as much baggage we accumulate from a life time of experiences.

Often, the older we are the more baggage we have to account for. In order to hide our feminine instincts and try our best to live as a male, we had to resort to extra ordinary measures to protect ourselves from bullies and bigots in the society around us. By doing so, our baggage became immediately very bulky and/or heavy. The problem was compounded by adding spouses, family and employment as we went on to live our lives. Before we knew it, we needed an extra room (similar to Paris Hilton) to keep and hide our baggage.  The problem becomes, when we finally decide to change our outward gender, what are we going to do with the male person who helped me to get to the transition point.  

In my case, my baggage involved having a wonderful daughter I didn't know would accept the authentic  new me, a very successful job and a loving wife of twenty five years to deal with among other things. To make matters worse, I knew my job would not accept me transitioning along with my wife who said our marriage would be over. She didn't sign up to be with a woman.  What happened to me was my daughter accepted me when I came out as transgender to her, I left my job to start my own restaurant and my wife sadly passed away. I guess you could say destiny opened the doors to put my major baggage issues aside and move towards living my impossible dream of living as a full time transgender woman. The closer my gender transition came to reality, the more baggage I discovered which needed to be considered and taken care of.

The more I was able to live my new exciting feminine life, the more baggage I found which needed to be considered, added on to my life or just discarded of. My biggest piece of  extra baggage I needed to deal with was my love of sports. Over the span of my life I had used my love of sports to drive a wedge between me and any possible bullies. I tried along the way to play football and became a fan of the sport as well as having a passing interest in baseball and basketball. I found out quite early in my life transition, I would have a difficult time bringing my interest in sports with me. It took me several ill fated attempts at enjoying myself in male gay venues to get the idea I was going at my problem all wrong. To be accepted as a sports fan all over again, I needed to go where there were other possible woman sports fans. In other words, big sports bars with many televisions and large cold draft beers. Not exactly the environment I envisioned myself in during my formative gender years but on the other hand the whole experience felt natural and I had solved one of my huge gender baggage issues. Very soon I was accepted as a regular patron in several popular venues and I was able to enjoy myself.

The other big issue I needed to deal with was my sexuality. Since I had never been really sexually attracted to any other man, I wondered what would happen to me as a new transgender woman. The answer didn't come long in being answered when I did briefly date men and still didn't have much of a spark except when I had the luxury of being on the arm of a man and enjoying the ease of acceptance I received in public from society.  Looking back, none of the lack of real acceptance from men mattered because my acceptance from cis-women soon dominated my life. I never had to worry about my sexuality changing because it didn't. 

In any other items of interest I had when I was desperately trying to live as a man were left behind. All the experience I had gained restoring an old house was a prime example. I became decidedly unhandy around the house. 

Once I had decided which baggage I was keeping and which I wasn't, life became full again and I could concentrate on building a new life by writing more and enjoying myself.  

Impostor Syndrome Revisited

 

Pride Ohio River Photo
from the Jessie Hart Archives

For many years as I started my transition from male to female, I felt as if I was an actress just trying to fit in with the world. In many ventures into the public eye I felt I needed to concentrate on having a feminine walk, among other important things. In many ways I was creating my own problems as I began to settle into a public presentation which fit in with other women. As I was having fun exploring all the new aspects a woman takes for granted, I was feeling guilty about my progress.

All along I wondered why. After all I was beginning to live a life I  previously could only dream of doing. Perhaps it was because I was still experiencing my age old guilt I suffered in my lonely, dark gender closet as I was growing up. In other words I was experiencing the same old problem expressing my true authentic self. At times the struggle seemed to be to much to bear. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger, did make me stronger in many ways and hurt me in others. I overcame by trying my best to explore ways to power through my gender issues. 

By powering through, I attempted many less than successful opportunities to express my new self. I ran the gamut of reducing a young grocery bagger to a stutter all the way to be snickered at and or stared at in public when I tried too hard to be sexy. I  found when I did that, I never had the chance to experience impostor syndrome because I was attracting the attention for all the wrong reasons. For awhile, one of my favorite activities was making sure my short skirt was even shorter when I slowly passed a semi truck on the highway. When the driver responded with a horn blast or the flashing of the lights, it validated my femininity. Which I discovered was all wrong.

My impostor syndrome really began to kick in when I found myself in situations when I needed to communicate one on one with other women. All of a sudden I needed to evaluate what I should talk about and how I was able to voice it. Often I would be talking with another woman feeling great then the doubts would set in and I needed to try to encourage myself to keep going. If you are familiar with bowling at all, it is similar to bowling three strikes in a row then overthinking the next attempt and totally messing it up. 

It took me many years to overcome my impostor syndrome by primarily realizing I had as much of a right to be a woman as the next person. As with every other female I had earned my socialization rights. I can't stress enough how difficult the process was for me. My deep seated paranoia (from childhood) that somehow living as my chosen gender was wrong took almost as long for me to completely overcome it.  But I did and these days my primary response to impostor syndrome is to get over it. Especially if I encounter any out spoken gender bigots.

Transgender Trial by Fire

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

 In the past I have had several people ask me about any tips or hints I  may have about how I managed my gender transition. After hours of thought and many replies I have posted here, I came up with a new answer... find the biggest fire you have and  jump in. I know it sounds a bit radical but here is what I mean.

First and foremost I recommend trying out living the lifestyle you want to transition to. I read with suspicion anyone who says essentially they want to "become a woman" by simply putting on a dress. I automatically feel the person has no idea of what they are getting themselves into. A major learning point is gender is more than sex and certainly more than just clothes. At some point in time, you have to hitch up those big girl panties you admire so much and try to live in the public's eye.  Or get out of the mirror and into the world.

Sure it is scary or even terrifying but it is a necessary evil you need to face if you are to ever discover if the internal need you are feeling can be taken care of  simply crossdressing  on occasion, or is the urge much deeper. In my case, I always go back to the evening I decided I was going out to a crowded public venue to have a drink as a woman and not just look like one. There was a huge difference to me and in fact I look back at the evening as the beginning point to me realizing I was more transgender than a cross dresser. Furthermore it is important to mention how scary the evening was for me. I was so scared I sat in the venue's parking lot for at least twenty minutes or so nervously checking my makeup and hair before I summoned the courage to go inside. 

Amazingly once I found a seat at the bar which fortunately was  heavily populated by other women, I was able to start to breathe again and enjoy my accomplishment. Once the rush of the moment seemed to fade away the realization set in my life could never be the same again. Why? Because my first main trip into the world as a woman was a successful one and it felt so natural. Finally I was getting positive face to face feed back for all the time I had spent dreaming in front of a mirror. 

Even though my first transgender trial by fire was successful, little did I know how many other fires were to come. My first dinner date with a trans guy comes to mind. Here I was trying to be as attractive as  I could be and still trying to maintain myself in a whole new world where all my male privilege was gone. He told me years later how scared I was, so I didn't hide it well.

Changing genders is a very layered experience and going through it is not for the faint of heart. The farther you pursue the journey the more you learn you have so much farther to go. Once you have gone through your own transgender trial by fire, you will understand on your own terms how much more gender is than sex or appearance.   

Gender Trigger Warning

 I love watching classic vintage movies. I especially love it when I see my love interest Robert Mitchum  or better yet get a brief view of a cigarette girl in a swanky nite club. As a youth I was always fascinated by Mitchum without even knowing why. Looking back now, I believe I had my first crush on a member of the male gender. I loved his cool yet aloof style. 

What really set off my youthful gender dysphoria were the cigarette girls peddling their toxic goods. I loved their hourglass figures squeezed into slinky black leotard tops. Worn with dark tights or stockings and heels of course. I thought at the time what a great idea for a Halloween costume but soon after that smoking was going out of fashion and I have never been a smoker. 

What never went away was my desire to be a sexy woman. I suppose my ideal was to be able to sell Robert Mitchum a pack of cigarettes as a sexy sales girl. 

I think my next crush on a male person, this time a real one, came in high school. I had a very close friend who I may have been a little too close to. We were literally the best of friends. I should point out nothing of a sexual nature ever happened but I can't say I never fantasized about being his girlfriend. All of this was an extension of my dysphoria working over time. 

Ironically, the older I became the fewer crushes I had with the male gender. I finally came to a point when being with a man was simply a validation of me being a woman. Being on the arm of a tall good looking man was my new fantasy. Then, when I learned I could attract more feminine attention than male attention. I didn't desire men at all. Even though I did have a couple quality male dates over a period of time. Especially the time Bob and I had a wonderful evening over a few drinks and the vintage motorcycle man I met after his ill fated marriage. Neither were fated to last for a number of reasons. Bob lived a distance away and my motorcycle crush ended up moving away shortly after we met. 

Both to me, including the other crushes I had were quick gender triggers. So quick, it took me many years and more wisdom to even realize exactly what they were.

A Complex Life

No matter how you live it, a human life will undoubtedly turn out to be a complex affair. Family and friends come along to complicate our best laid plans. Just when you think you have it all figured out, something comes along to change everything. If we ever figure a portion of life unfortunately we die.

All of this begs the question, if life is so complex, why would we make it worse by attempting to change our gender. Plus I have always felt cis women live a much more complex life than men, so there is more to process and comprehend. For all who say being transgender is a choice, this is yet another reason to believe they are wrong. Who would choose this life if they had a choice? Most certainly my moments of transgender euphoria don't in any way come close to being equal to the torment I experienced from my gender dysphoria. In other words, all the miserable days I went through wondering if I was the only human on earth who wanted to be the other binary gender. It also doesn't cover all the tears I shed when I was laughed at in public. 

I discovered also how much more complex and difficult what I attempting was. So much more than I had anticipated when I was in the initial stages of admiring myself as a girl in the mirror. As I began to step out in the world more and more my feminine side was challenged to keep up. I couldn't just get by on my perceived wonderful feminine appearance. Looking back now on the entire experience, I think most of the people I encountered just didn't care, were intrigued or just didn't know. Just didn't know was my favorite reaction but again, I was very biased. I wanted so badly to "pass" as a woman I still didn't realize how complex the entire process could be. 

Quickly the whole process of communicating in the world became a priority. I recently wrote how I would use my "parrot" method of mimicking another woman I was talking to but what happened when I was trying to talk to a man. My best laid plans of succeeding at communication would come to a screeching halt. I found women did communicate on a different scale than men and it was on purpose. Meaning over time women communicate less on verbal cues than non verbal visual ones. 

All of a sudden life began to be so much more complex than just deciding on which lipstick or wig to wear. People were beginning to see the same feminine me on a regular basis so I needed a name to go with my new self. Plus there was the huge issue of my sexuality. I had never been close to being with a man during my male life so it all was such a foreign concept. I felt at the time just dating a man would validate me being a woman but sex was such another topic. As I began to be validated by other cis-women, the whole issue of sex with a man was a mute point.  Sometimes life takes us in unsuspecting directions as mine did. 

Complex? yes. Difficult at times. most certainly. But my choice? I'd have it no other way.  

Bi-Personality?

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

Along the way, of course I have read extensively on being Bi-Polar which I am and Bi-Sexual which I am not. 

Looking back, yet another of the "Bi's" I considered I was that I was Bi-Personality. Finally I determined all of it was just another phase I was going through to justify my gender issues. Along the way I had gone through a number of other "phases" or so I thought. One of the main ones was I cross dressed in feminine clothes temporarily to relieve the pressures of life. As I grew older and faced such pressures as college and the military, I would grow out of my need to cross dress. Wow! Was I wrong. The older I got the more I grew into my feminine self. Even to the point of coming out as transgender.  

One of the more extreme "phases" I went through was thinking I simply had two personalities, one male and one female. The more I considered it, the less simple it all became. What I refused to do was listen to my authentic feminine self causing great stress. Finally I could take the stress no longer and decided to begin hormone replacement therapy to start gender transitioning seriously. 

At this point I was interested to learn if my transition would have any serious positive effect of my Bi-Polar status. The short story was it didn't. I still suffered the same anxiety and depression I did before. So I could take that "Bi" off my list. Or one didn't explain the other. As it turned out, transitioning was going to solve another "Bi" in my life. Was I indeed suddenly sexuality attracted to men? Fairly quickly I learned I wasn't into men except in the rarest cases. Even though I felt a man's attention validated me as a woman, the final sexual result was not worth it. 

With the other two "Bi's" out of the way, the final one to be determined was I truly "Bi-Personality" or was one of the binary genders (male or female) more dominate. I am sure it is no surprise to all of you what the final answer turned out to be. The feminine side of me finally earned her chance to take over and run my life and essentially restored it from a very dark place. I have forever wondered just what I could have made of myself if I had taken the steps much earlier to live as my authentic feminine self. 

Perhaps of all the "Bi's" the personality one has been the most important. Of course the "Bi-Polar" made me miserable until I came to a place where understanding and medication helped to control it. Finally "Bi" Sexual was the easiest to solve.

In other ways also, the "Bi's" fit together in my life similar to a puzzle. I needed a therapist (which I found) who was willing to accept my "Bi Polar and Gender Dysphoria" were two aspects of my personality which didn't necessarily effect the other. And, my sexuality was left to me to determine. 

To finish off this post, should I say "Bi-Bi"?  

Toxic Masculinity and the Trans Girl

Over the years when I was trying my best to exist in an ultra masculine world, I encountered too many men who would have been described as being toxic masculine. In essence they were the ones who tended to dismiss women as basically only emotional people who were only good for sex and/or having kids. 

I can truthfully say I wasn't an active part of their mentality but on the other hand was ashamed when I went along with their childish actions. I had two excuses. The first was in the business I was in I had to manage to the best of my ability a group of macho redneck cooks in a kitchen. I had to appear tough. The second was on the other hand I had to manage a group of mainly female servers, hostesses and bar tenders. Even then I was studying women intensely to learn how they really maintained in society so in many ways it was a labor of love. I learned my guys in the kitchen worked better when I could manage them as a team and the women worked better when I understood they were going to form their cliques anyhow, so adapt to them and hope for the best.

Further more I had to watch for frontal confrontations from the men and passive attacks from the women. Lessons which would serve me well later as I transitioned genders.  

Lessons I wish I had paid attention to didn't take long to happen. One night very early in my transition I found myself with a group of men discussing a topic I considered myself to be well versed in. Very early they shut me totally out as if I was never there at all. I thought it was one of my first opportunities to learn first hand what my life was going to be like as a transgender woman. I was right and on the other hand, my lessons learned from my work world worked well too. 

I also learned quickly the amount of  non verbal communication women use. It is no wonder most men say they can't understand women when they can't pick up non verbal cues. 

Photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash

Ironically I had to change my stereotype of what a toxic man even looked like. When I began to explore the world, I attempted to stay clear of any man who looked like the macho type. not unlike my former self. It got so bad I couldn't even try to buy tickets for a sports event from a street "scalper" because they thought I was a cop. Slowly but surely I learned many of the "macho" men didn't seem to care much about me at all and weren't going to verbally attack me. My theory was they were more secure in their sexuality than the normal man. 

Of course recent political activities have made it possible for toxic masculinity to come out of the shadows and even thrive in some areas. Unfortunately the trans community, women and men, has been potentially the hardest hit. The attacks aren't just coming from cis men, they are coming from cis women as well.    

The future is not a given for anybody. Especially not the trans girl.  As always we are going to have to be better and fight for what we have.