Carry on Baggage

My wife Liz (right) and I with
Brutus Buckeye in the
Ohio State student union...

Those of you who have transitioned genders or those who are seriously considering crossing the gender border need to figure out how much baggage they will take along. If you are into sports at all (which I am) this time of year is fun to me because of all the huge football games being played.

So for me, the amount of baggage to consider was considerable. I wondered if my love of sports would have to take a back burner in my life. Because, back in those days, the choices were basically black and white with very little gray. If you remember, there were really only two groups of individuals you could identify with. Those were transvestites (or cross dressers) and the transsexuals who were headed for genital surgical intervention. Plus, after the realignment surgery, you were expected to exclude your past, move from your home and family and start your life all over.  No room for any baggage from your previous existence. 

Today fortunately is different. Mainly because cis-women of all sorts these days have or are living more diverse lives. The lines between male and female genders have been blurred. 

In my case I found out the easy way how much baggage I could bring with me. When I basically gave up on going to gay venues for any number of reasons such as being overall rejected as a drag queen or hating the music. I found I much preferred going back to the big sports bar venues I used to enjoy as a guy. Ironically, I found I was discriminated to less in the sports bars where I could order a large beer and watch my favorite sports team dressed as a transgender woman. Outside of a few notable exceptions I was able to establish myself as a regular by minding my own business and tipping well. I also found I could use all the help I could get as I researched if I could indeed add sports to my baggage as a trans woman.

On a higher level, I even found I could meet other women who were into sports and become friends I could interact with on a regular basis. Over the years I had a great time with them meeting and arguing sports with our tight little group of women.  

When I learned I could take on the biggest baggage carry on I could imagine, the rest of my life became so much easier. I could concentrate on learning from my women friends who happened to be lesbians all I could concerning my new life as a transgender woman. Especially valuable to me was the fact I was finally able to validate my gender dream. In other words, I didn't did a man to be seen with to validate me anymore. 

As I said, the ability to establish my new life and bring quite a bit of carry on baggage with me made my transition so much easier. Hopefully, you will have the chance to validate your new self also and make friends in the process. I would also be remiss if I didn't mention my wife Liz who took a chance on me when she saw my on line profile. She is the cis woman who told me a decade ago she didn't see any maleness in me and why didn't I throw the rest of my male life away and live full time as a trans woman. Her validation naturally was tremendous.

As with any carry on baggage, you naturally will find items you didn't really need but having the time to live a new life to find out what you can't live without, is important as you move on. 

Mental Health and the Holidays

 

It doesn't take an expert to know we are entering the most difficult time of the year for transgender and/or LGBTQ individuals.

During this approaching time, many in the community face the truth of having no close family any more to celebrate the holidays with. It happened to me when my only sibling (a brother) and his wife decided not to invite me to the annual Thanksgiving Day family feast. We have not spoken since and that was ten years ago. What made it hurt even worse was my deceased second wife used to take it upon herself to cook and feed everyone for years.

Similar to so many aspects of me coming out, I was fortunate in I had a backup plan. What happened was my daughter and my partner (future wife) included me in their families. An improbable happening especially when I needed to mix in with Liz's heavily right wing conservative father. He has since passed on leaving me to forever wonder what he really thought of me. 

So destiny led me out of a potentially bad situation with my own often fragile mental health. As you may, or may not recall, years ago I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder along with having more than my share of anxiety. Again destiny stepped in and helped me cope with my mental health . I was nearly completely broke and could not afford my medications when a fellow veteran friend of mine suggested I take advantage of the Veteran's Administration health care. I did and again I was fortunate when I was assigned to a VA therapist who was able to separate my gender issues with my mental ones.

As I said, I was one of the fortunate LGBT or transgender community members who was able to cope with lots of help. To this day LGBTQ women and men are subject to much more substance abuse than the rest of the population because of reasons such as harassment, discrimination,  negative stigma and lack of family support. The basis for the information comes from a site called "LGBTQ+ Substance Abuse and Mental Health Resources"  Thanks to Enmanuel from FloridaRehab.com for the heads up for the site.

I make no secret of the fact I used to be very self destructive due to all the issues I dealt with in my life. From reckless driving in my cars all the way to trying to commit suicide with pills, I had a total disregard for my life. Plus, there weren't the outreach programs available in the pre internet/social media years which I lived through or groups of like minded individuals who provide social activities. Often, if you live close to populated areas, there are organizations you can take advantage of. 

Please, as the holidays approach, see what you can do to help your mental health.  There are sources available.

It's All a Dream

In an extension of yesterday's post, I decided to expand upon it a bit further. 

The idea I had was very simple. What if my whole life was nothing more than a dream? As with any dream, some are pleasant while others tend to be nightmarish. When I started my gender dreams, they were pleasant enough. Most of the dreams involved in me being very attractive and existing successfully in my dream feminine world. As it turned out, if that was all which was involved, life would have been so much easier.

Early on, I spent many hours shopping for just the right wardrobe additions so I could present better and better in the world as my dream woman. Due to financial considerations, thrift stores in particular were my friends. In fact, in most of them, I became so comfortable I started to use the changing rooms so I could try on sizes as well as styles. The whole process became so beneficial, I actually became very good at judging which styles would look good on me and even found sizes which fit me. Slowly but surely I began to transform my style into one that blended into the world from the former trashy fashion I thought looked good. My dream was telling me, all my validation as a transgender woman came from being admired by men when in fact it was other women who mattered.

Along the way, I was even able to learn to develop different wardrobe outfits for different occasions. Examples included if I was going to a lesbian bar, I would dress differently than if I was going to a summer downtown summer festival. My goal was to present as an "lipstick lesbian" in boots, jeans and blond wig in the bar but go for a much softer look with a light top, flowing slacks and dark wig when I went downtown. Even I was amazed on how fast my wardrobe had expanded so I could accomplish my goals of blending and enjoying my evenings. Especially the gay bar when a butch lesbian in a cowboy hat forced me into trying to sing karaoke with her. Something I was totally against because I was and am I totally not a good singer. To make a long story short, I managed to blurt out the only country song I knew and left...in a hurry. Her only comment I remembered hearing was my voice was lower than hers. At the least, the bartender got a laugh out of the whole affair since she knew the truth about me. 

Surprisingly to me, none of this was in my dreams. In fact, my dreams were fairly mundane when compared to how my life was turning out when I transitioned into a fulltime life as a transgender woman. No longer was I in essence playing with my gender. When I started hormone replacement therapy and finally came to the conclusion I was no longer a casual cross dresser, I knew I was no longer in a dream.

It took me years, to figure out my gender issues were much more than casual dreams. Plus, my gender was much more than a game I was playing with. These days, my sub conscious is catching up with the fact I transitioned a decade ago to living as a transwoman. I am dreaming increasingly of me as a woman.
 

The Slippery Slope

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives

I can't imagine the freedom some younger transgender youth have when their parents approve of and actually help with their gender transition.

I can use the example of my own grandchild who benefited completely from having the support of both of their parents. (It is the grandchild's choice to be referred to as they.) Of course how I grew up was totally on the opposite side of the acceptance spectrum. I was expected to be the best boy I could be and if I wasn't. I was always expected to do better. As much as I resented being put through all of that, the process probably set me up for success later in life. When I faced difficult situations, I just kept trying until on occasion I found success. 

Finding success as I sought out what to do concerning my increasingly serious gender issues proved to be my greatest win but it did not come easily. I compare it to being on a very slippery gender slope and finding yourself losing control the perceived damage. I was very scared on what could happen if I completed my male to female gender transgender transition I could lose everything I worked for in my semi-successful male life such as family, friends and finances to name a few of the major ones. 

Once the sliding began and I started to slide down the slope, I couldn't stop. The biggest problem was I didn't really care because for the first time in my life I felt natural in my own skin. I didn't have to put up feeling just a little all the way to being completely foreign when I was successful as a man. Nothing seems to have been enough until it came time to being a success as a transgender woman. The biggest move came when I made the decision to slide further down the slope and commit to being fully trans and away from being a highly active cross dresser. I was becoming more and more convinced I was doing the right thing by throwing my male life away and living a feminine one. 

What became increasingly obvious, it was time for me to lose my grip and tumble the remainder of the way down my gender slope. I finally could take the effort to jump the gender border before it killed me. I was trying my best to live equally between the two binary genders. Male for three days a week and female for the rest of the time. The resultant ripping and tearing led me to a major mental health breakdown with a suicide attempt. I saw the writing on the wall and finally decided to slide off my slippery gender slope. When I did not know was how my new circle of friends would be around for me to soften my landing.

Not only did my circle of cis-women friends accept me, they unknowingly helped me understand the basics of surviving in the feminine world. I call it being able to play in the girls sandbox.

Surprisingly, I survived the slippery slope much easier than I thought I would. Sure I had a few scratches and scrapes on the way down. Overall, as I said, I was the fortunate survivor of a very difficult gender struggle. Hopefully, in their own way my grandchild will not have to endure such a slippery slope.

Emotional Blackmail

Image from Callum
Skelton on UnSplash

Emotional blackmail is another of those terms or labels which is difficult to describe or understand.

The way I look at it is, the blackmail describes the portion of my life I lived with my second wife when we constantly battled over my increasingly feminine gender identity. In fact, now, in hindsight I look at the time when two strong women were clashing with each other. My wife and the other was me. Every time I was successful when I went out as a transgender woman, the bigger our fights became. Examples included the time when I went to a transvestite or cross dresser mixer when we lived in New York. The gatekeepers who were placed to keep cis-women out made me show my identification to prove I really was a guy. The entire incident put me on cloud nine for days following but on the other hand, made me very difficult to live with. Predictably, my wife and I clashed and my inner woman felt who was my wife anyway. 

As life went on, the emotional blackmail continued and even worsened. Our sex life worsened because I insisted on making love as two women. She hated the idea and all activity ground to a halt until she passed away. It was during this time also when I was sneaking out more behind her back and meeting new people for the first time. Ironically, I was approached by way more women than men and primarily became friends with lesbians for some reason. Whatever the reason was, I was enjoying the new company I had found and was able to learn so many things from them. One night on one of my gender parties I went to I ended up leaving with a single lesbian woman and going to a dance club in Columbus, Ohio. Nothing physical happened so I considered it another case of emotional cheating I was doing to my wife of twenty five years.

Sometimes I wondered if the emotional blackmail I was subjecting my wife to was worse than any other form of abuse. Sadly or not, I couldn't do anything about my quest to understand and be a better woman. Probably, what was left of my old male self who loved my wife dearly and on occasion had enjoyed our life together was the biggest obstacle to changing it all and coming out fulltime. He kept screaming at me to not give up and the ripping and tearing of living between two genders nearly killed me. Plus, after or during one of our biggest fights, my wife told me something to the tune of why didn't I be enough of a man to be a woman. It would have certainly have been the best way out of the torment if I had only listened. Of course I didn't. 

I was one of the fortunate transgender women as I found a soft landing spot with plenty of assistance when I transitioned. I learned to rely on my feminine instincts which had been ignored for so long as my new life began to take shape. And most importantly emotional blackmail faded into my past as something which never really happened. We all know it did. It wasn't right and I wasn't a strong enough person to do anything about it. 

The Essence of Being Transgender

 

Go Buckeyes! Image from the
Ohio State Union...

It is very difficult to explain to another person why you are a transgender woman or trans man. 

I can only compare it to why a cis-woman just knows she is a feminine person. To just say I was born this way is a huge over simplification. To begin with just being assigned female or male at birth does not necessarily guarantee you will ever make it to being a woman or a man. Many people just don't for whatever reason. Perhaps you have encountered a person or two (or several) in your life who never seemed to grasp the ideals of their supposed gender. In most cases, they became unhappy and unfulfilled people. 

Transgender people have it harder since we were forced into boxes we did not want to be in. Or, the old square peg into the square hole status. First we trans individuals had to figure out what our problem was then try to have an idea what to do about it. In most cases we had to come out fighting to claim our limited space in society.

In many cases we faced other women who pushed back on our transgender essence...even trans women who wanted to say you were not trans enough to be included in their little clubs. These women were not unlike other cis-women (natural born females) who resisted our inclusion into their worlds. These transphobes or TERF's did and can attempt to make life miserable for unsuspecting transgender women. I have never figured out what their true problem was or is. I faced it head on one night at a lesbian Valentine's Day dance Liz and I went to. A lesbian came up to me and rudely asked what my "real" name was and was very nasty before she finally gave up and went her own way.

I have never figured out why other women would not want to be more inclusive of us and broaden their population base. Especially with all the attacks women are facing on all sides in politics and with personal safety. I write often how quickly I learned what could happen when my personal safety male privilege was taken away. I was cornered by a huge man at a party and had to be rescued by my second wife one night and then much later was stopped by two men when I was alone at night outside a gay bar in an a dark, lonely urban setting. I learned quickly never to be alone again in those situations. 

I guess the problem of explaining essence is because it is so vague. It has always been so difficult to tell others I have always known I am transgender simply because I was. I am as much as a woman as anyone else. I just had to take a different path to arrive at my goal of jumping from an unwanted male life to a fulltime feminine one. 

If they don't listen or can't understand, it is their problem. Not mine.

Fashion Trends and Circles

 

Image from Jonathan Borba
on Unsplash

Following thinking more and more about yesterday's post, I finally figured out I left out too many details of me supposedly not wanting to wear skirts. 

The post was called "Skirting the Issue" and basically zeroed in on the negative feedback I received when I first entered the world with other cross dressers. I was told, if I wanted to wear pants (or slacks) I should just stay dressed in my male clothes. I rejected the comment and proceeded to follow my own path as a novice transvestite in the world. 

Where the experiences changed were when much later I again started to go out in the public's eye. Overall, my first experiences with another person were with my second wife who was very conservative in her dressing styles. In order to try to gain favor with her, I attempted to dress the same way. Mostly relying on jeans or slacks on the rare occasions she went out with me. It didn't seem to matter as she never seemed to like or relate to my emerging feminine self. Ironically, I was many times on the opposite end of the cross dressing spectrum when she wasn't around to judge me.

What happened was, during my earlies Halloween experiments, I dressed as prostitutes in very short dresses or skirts. I always made sure to shave my legs and threw caution to the wind when it came to friends and strangers reacting to me doing just a little (or a lot) to look like a woman. Deep down I was so flattered when I received compliments on how good my legs looked. At that point, I did become obsessed with showing off what I perceived to be my most feminine asset which of course were my legs. It took me forever it seemed to figure out stuffing my male torso and big shoulders into a mini skirt just didn't work. I was just taking the easy way out and cross dressing for the mirror in front of me and not the world.

Over the years I was still able to take advantage of certain fashion trends which came and went. A couple in particular stay in my mind as being beneficial to showing off my legs and still be fashionable. The first was in the 80's I believe when many women where I lived were wearing oversized sweaters with undersized mini skirts. I was able to acquire both fashion items and be positively received in the world because I was able to blend in and not be trashy in my appearance. Plus, I was thrilled to be able to feel the cool air on my freshly shaved legs.

The second fashion trend I was able to take advantage of was when professional women were wearing business suits along with short skirts. Many times they wore colored opaque panty hose and kitten heels to round out their outfits. I was able to find a pale green suit with a short skirt which fit me well and even matched it up with opaque hose that matched. I already had my blond wig and kitten heels so I was ready to go to the upscale malls where I lived and shop for as long as I wanted with no incidents.

I guess where I began to fixate on wearing jeans or pants sometimes again came when I began to be able to find the "Boho" fashions which took me back to my youth. I wore out my jean skirts and tattered bell-bottomed jeans until they had to be discarded. 

Finally I went full circle to the days of trying to appease my wife when I was able to be accepted by a small group of lesbian friends. Most certainly, I wanted to blend with them. Especially when we went to lesbian mixers. It was a challenge to go back but I did because I wanted so desperately to blend in.

I learned through fashion, life is nothing but a circle if you can live long enough to experience it. Living my life as a transgender woman just made the point more evident. 

Skirting the Issue

Image from Vladimir 
Yelizarov on 
UnSplash

Many years ago, I ran into the sting of being criticized for not wearing a skirt or a dress when I attended my first transvestite mixers. 

Many times I wore a nice pair of women's slacks long with foam hip pads to give me a slimming feminine appearance. Needless to say, it did not take me long to notice I was the only one not wearing a skirt or a dress to the mixer. Plus it did not take long for someone to mention to me why I would choose to dress the way I was. If I wanted to wear pants, I should have just come to the party as my male self. While my answer should have been why do not you mind your own business, instead I said something to the effect of I didn't need a dress to express my inner self.

Years later and armed with much more gender knowledge I knew I was correct on how I answered the person in question. The reason was, except for a brief love of denim mini skirts, I mainly never lost my fondness for wearing women's jeans and/or leggings. Personally, I found pants to be more comfortable as I blended in better with the close circle of cis-women friends I had bonded with. I guess I was fortunate also when women as a whole where I lived began to wear dresses and skirts less and less when they went out. During our recent visit I wrote about to our favorite restaurant which is huge in size, I never saw another woman in a skirt or dress. 

I will say, being a transgender woman who lives fulltime in a woman's world, I still value the flexibility to dress how I want. During the summer month's, if I wanted to wear one of my long and silky maxi dresses, I would. The whole process is part of female privilege and is what I signed up for. If I was getting bored with the same old drab male fashions, I could change my look up anytime I wanted. So skirting the issue was just another benefit. 

Another factor in say wearing leggings is they are warmer in the fall and winter months and benefit the changes hormone replacement therapy has had on my body. One of the first changes I felt under the new hormones was I was much more apt to feel the cool. No longer did I feel the women I felt were making up being cold all the time, were faking it. Along with them, suddenly I was cold also. Ironically, one of the last changes coming along would help me in my decision to acquire and wear leggings from my wardrobe. Slowly but surely after many years on HRT I started to develop my own hips. Leggings helped me to finally accentuate the fact I had a feminine body, not the testosterone damaged one I had to live with for so many years. 

These days, with fall finally setting in, I love my cozy sweaters and leggings. I paid my dues to blend into society and am happy to skirt the issue.  

Letting the World In

Image from Adrianna Geo
On UnSplash...

Recently, in one of my Veteran's Administration LGBT support sessions I have been attending, the moderator mentioned we weren't coming out as much as we were letting people in.

The idea resonated with me and I have used it extensively recently. Even more so when I considered adding it to my post from yesterday when my daughter included me in a group of her women friends who were attending a drag show. Even though I was extremely new in my explorations in the world as a transgender woman, I decided to go along. No matter how scared the whole idea made me feel. The problem was I had always thought I had carefully planned my progression within the gender labels I was dealing with at the time. In other words, for the longest time I had considered myself a cross dresser or transvestite even though (deep down) I didn't feel as if the labels fit me. 

When I was procrastinating with my gender development, people such as my daughter, my wife Liz and friend Kim were prepared to propel me quickly forward. I guess they saw more potential in my feminine self than I did on occasion. Plus, there was always my old male self to deal with. He was holding me back as he didn't want to lose what was left of his existence. Understandably he still controlled a few very important facets of my life which I could not let the world into. Those facets included my employment and interaction with friends or family to name a few. He was stubborn and very difficult to overcome so I had a tendency to try to go slow. 

Over the past several posts I have written about how going slow went with my daughter. When I summoned the courage to let her in to my true world, she went all in to help me. First with an invitation to go shopping, to a visit to her beauty parlor/salon for my first hair styling experience and last but not least, an exciting but scary night out with her girl friends. If I was going to be a woman around her, I learned quickly it was time to put my male self on hold.

The pattern continued with my friend Kim who invited me to an pro-football game with her and her family. Again, I hadn't been living as my authentic self very long and ended up wearing my old ill-fitting wig and out I went to the game. Sure, it was scary but I will forever remember Kim for the kindness she shared with me when I needed it the most on my gender journey. In addition, she really propelled me out of the closet and let the world in. She saw me as the true person I was.

Perhaps the person who propelled me the farthest ahead was my wife Liz. When we first met over twelve years ago, I still had a few basic ties intact with my old male self. At that point she told me one day why didn't I transition the rest of the way as she didn't see any male in me. I had finally reached the end of my transgender journey. There was no excuse to even consider continuing to live at all as my old male self.

With the wonderful help of the people I mentioned, plus others I didn't, my gender journey was put on hyper speed after years of going so slow. Once I let the world in, they came and conquered. 

The Right Fit

 

Image from the Jessie Hart
Archive

No matter of all the trials and tribulations I went through on my long and eventful transgender journey, I still felt as if everything was the right fit for me. 

Included were all the dark nights when I first began to attempt to test the public as a novice cross dresser (or transvestite). Predictably, in many occasions I was stared at, all the way to being subjected to outright laughter. One time even, I caught one couple trying to take an unwanted picture of me. I call this period of my life, my mirror time. 

Along the way it seemed all I was doing was moving from mirror to mirror seeking the validation of who I really was as my feminine self. In stores, I would always try to seek out well placed mirrors so I could selfishly admire myself. Even to the point of going to the big remodeling/construction box stores so I could look at myself in their selection of mirrors. Through it all, I was slowly building my confidence to come out of my gender shell and face the world. Predictably, I started with store clerks and worked my way forward to others who would actually try to interact with who I was. With my experience in the restaurant/bar industry I knew the benefit of becoming a regular at the bar. I learned the benefit of being hard to forget was a benefit when it came to being remembered. By saying hard to forget, I mention it in a positive way as I tried hard to never be the cause of any negative feelings and always tipped well.

The more I tried to explore the world as a novice transgender woman when the term began to be used, the more I knew it was the right fit for me because I felt so natural once I moved past being so nervous in my new life. I tried more and more venues until I learned (the hard way) which ones I was not welcome in. Ironically one of the first places I felt unwelcome was in a male gay venue where I was treated as a drag queen and had to struggle to even get a drink. The whole scene ended up being beneficial because it sent me back to the bar food/sports venues I was comfortable in. And it was long before I was accepted in several of those and loving my new life. Definitely I had found the right fit, for the time being.

As I was essentially living my dream, deep down I knew the next step I wanted to try was hormone replacement therapy. HRT was not a given for me because of my age and I needed to secure permission from a doctor. I was healthy enough and received a prescription to begin a minimum dosage of Estradiol pills and a testosterone blocker. I couldn't believe the changes which started to happen almost immediately. I knew again, without a shadow of a doubt I had found the right fit as I went through my own version of  a feminine  puberty. Even with the unpleasant hot flashes I experienced the remainder of my body developing as well as my emotional changes were welcome. All of a sudden, I was more subject to moods and I cried for the first time in my life. I even felt temperature changes and my sense of smell became stronger. 

All the radical changes I was going through, proved to me how I had done the right thing by starting HRT. Perhaps my body just was waiting for me to find the right fit my entire life. 

Mourning your Past

Image from the
Jessie Hart Archives

Is there ever a time when you miss your old gender self? 

Do you miss your old male privileges which seemingly gave you more rights?  Remember the old days when you survived with the myth of more intelligence and less mansplaining in any conversation with a man. While I remember the shock of my first times of interaction with a group of men who essentially were ignoring me, on the other hand I thought somehow I had arrived in the place I wanted to be. I was experiencing first hand the loss of the privilege's I had fought so hard to accumulate in a male world I didn't like. 

No matter how much you enjoy your new life as a transgender woman or trans man, possibly there could be times when you miss the good times? On my end, it is very rare when I miss the "good old days" which weren't so good. 

On a recent interview with a Veterans Life Insurance representative I experienced a brief glimpse into my past when I needed to explain my gender situation with the sales person. For the sake of insurance, since I have not undergone any gender realignment surgeries, I had to tell the person I was still biological a male,  even though I lived as a woman. Through the confusion, the only person who really suffered was my daughter who was rudely interrupted by an insurance call which referred to me as a "he". Since she has a transgender child and a is a fierce ally of the trans community, she was not happy. So I ended up calling the representative and asking what she was doing calling her at all. 

Other moments of surprise and a bit of shock occurred during the times when I had my personal safety challenged. The first time happened during a party I was attending in Columbus, Ohio with my second wife who was strongly opposed to the mini skirt I was wearing. Her fears for me materialized when during the party a huge cross dresser admirer cornered me in a narrow hallway. For the first time in my life, I was made to feel powerless about my body until I was rescued by my wife and he freed me. 

The second major time happened one night when I was leaving a late night urban gay venue on a lonely, dark street in Dayton, Ohio. As I clicked down the sidewalk in my high heels, I was suddenly approached by two men. Again I felt totally powerless and on the edge of panic. That night I was lucky when I was able to use my last five dollar bill and they went away to my relief. From then on, I learned my lesson and always tried to park in close well lit parking lots. The old days of just having more personal security were over but I knew they had to go.

Overall I looked at the whole privilege changing time as a challenge and one I needed to conquer. Through it all, I had no time or will power to mourn any of my past. The only time I have twinges is during football season when I remember a few of the intense past experiences I went through when my second wife (a big fan too) attended all the biggest The Ohio State Buckeyes football games. Admittedly most  were memorable times I would not trade like the birth of my daughter which I was present for. 

Being part of the two binary genders has made me an overall better person. Mourning was just a part of my life as is it is a part of any other life. I view the process as a plus as I tried hard to leave my old male past behind and begin a new life as a transgender woman.    

Friends

Friends! Nikki in middle and 
Kim on right...

 Despite of all of my early successes (along with failures), when I was experimenting so alone with being a cross dresser, the fact remains the friends I made later in life proved to be the most valuable experience of my life. 

Even though I had arrived on many public stages on my gender journey, it seemed there was always another major step to take. After all, I had gone through the difficult steps of sneaking out the door of my gender closet and into the world but the process just taught me I still had so far to go. I somehow needed to find away to develop as a full fledged transgender woman. To do it, I needed to take the plunge and seek out public acceptance. 

I began similar to so many back in those days. I explored several on-line dating sites which were still relatively new. Predictably, I was a dismal failure on the sites. To try to do better, I would change how I approached the dating world. On a few places I would advertise as a woman seeking woman (then tell them in my profile I was transgender) while on others I would post a woman seeking men profile. Over all I failed miserably with just a few responses who actually showed up at venues of my choice to meet. Most of them just stood me up and didn't show at all. One less than memorable night, I even had a guy show up and want to wear my panties. 

Amazingly, I did strike success when over twelve years ago now my wife Liz answered my woman seeking woman ad on a dating site. Following writing back and forth on line nightly I finally gathered up the courage to talk to her in person. The problem was, I was afraid of how my voice would sound over the phone. Through it all and eleven years later we were married. I guess you can say I believe in long courtships before I got into my third marriage. Mainly, it was my daughter's doing because one day she suggested why don't you two just get married and we did. For you new regulars to the blog, I should mention Liz is a cis-woman (born female) and identifies as a lesbian. Our first date was a drag show and the rest is history,

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention several other cis-women who accepted me into their world and taught me so much. Through my entire life, I thought a woman's acceptance of me would basically just include helping me with my appearance. The idea was blown away when my first fiancé helped me to cross dress one day. I was not impressed with her efforts which came back to haunt me later when she tried to "out" me to the world. Lesson learned and I took responsibility for my own feminine appearance. What I didn't learn until much later were all the other factors which went into being a successful transgender woman. Ironically, my second wife told me I had no idea of the feelings I would have to develop to learn what she was talking about.

Phase two of my attempt to pursue my own coming out just occurred when I began to visit my favorite sports bars as my new authentic self. In a relatively short period of time, I was able to meet two other women whom I was able to bond with and we had a great time. It was with them I learned more of the essence my second wife was trying to tell me about. I learned I didn't really need a man to be validated as a transgender woman and went on to build my new life from there. I owe them all so much and will forever be indebted to them.

Through my life, I have always had a difficult time finding who I considered real friends. Friends are a learning process to me and I did learn so much.   

Increased Anxieties

Image from Sydney Sims
on UnSplash

When I reached the point where I considered coming out of my gender shell and pursuing a life as a transgender woman, my anxieties went up considerably. 

Possibly, the main issue was just surviving in a new world. Everything was different than I supposed it would be when I experimented as a cross dresser or transvestite. The main difference was I was attempted to insert myself into a new world without the benefit of my old male privilege's I had worked so hard to acquire. When my status was in doubt, I couldn't just bluster my way through and had to finesse it. Especially when I found myself in conversations with other men. When my car broke down one day, I found out the hard way how dramatic the gender change could be when the sheriff who responded along with the tow truck driver refused to listen to me regarding how the best way it would be to get the car back to my house. I finally had to just shut up and play the dumb blond. Even to the point of asking ridiculous questions about how the wrecker worked to the driver when we were heading back. 

Looking back, perhaps the only thing which was really hurt was my male ego who all of a sudden was shut out of my life. 

Through it all, my anxiety continued to build along with the pressure. As it increased for me to be successful on the stops I made on my new gender journey. By stops, I mean  the times I tried to slow down my male to female gender transition to reflect on all that I had learned. It was difficult because I was so eager to attain the next step I was seeking. I shouldn't have worried because huge changes were looming ahead which would make me terrified to go forward yet so excited not to. As the cis woman (born female) friends I began to know, told me so knowingly, welcome to their world.  Any time for reflection I had earned had to be learned on the fly.

As I added layer upon layer of experiences when I went public, adding communication was the one I write about the most. Learning how women uniquely communicate among  themselves was a challenge. I discovered women use a whole different form of talking when men are around or not around. Also, non verbal cues became more important to me as I found myself without the old male privilege of safety. As a man, I could take my personal safety for granted, as a woman the opposite was true. In fact, on several occasions pure eye contact with other women kept me out of possible trouble with men. It certainly took me awhile to learn the new nuances of communicating in the world as a transgender woman. 

The other issue which caused me extreme anxiety was the decision to begin HRT or hormone replacement therapy. I knew before I even considered starting the medications, I would need approval from a doctor which wasn't a given due to my age since I was in my sixties at the time. Plus, if that wasn't bad enough, I knew the changes I would go through would make it impossible to ever go back in my world to my my old male self. Since I was already diagnosed with high anxiety and was on bi-polar meds, this did not make my life any easier at the beginning.

Once I started the hormones though, I knew I had done the right thing. I calmed right down, developed in all the right places and went all out to establish a new life. In addition, as I started to feel at home adjusting to female privilege's, I earned my right to play in what I called the girl's sandbox.  

These days of course I still have anxieties and worry too much but I can say none of my problems come from my solved gender issues. A welcome relief.

The Trans Process

Image from the 
Jessie Hart
Archives

Even though I write often concerning wanting to be a girl over the hated boy I had no choice over, the process just wasn't that clear cut.

I mean I didn't wake up one morning thinking Hey! I want to be a girl instead of the boy I was made to be. It was a process. The whole deal was beginning a sixty year (plus) gender journey. The path began innocently I thought,  with explorations through my mom's clothes and makeup to see what I could fit into and how I could look. At many points on the path I needed to process which stop signs I would obey and which forks in the path I should follow. It is important to note, not all paths were successful and I needed to backtrack many times. In fact, some of the stop signs I ran resulted in dismal failures and I needed to gather myself, get back to my cross dressing drawing board and get back in the game.

Often I wonder why I tried so hard to trust the process and try even harder on key issues I was facing such as my presentation. The answer is actually fairly simple. When I pursued and trusted the transgender process at every turn, the more natural I felt. I somehow knew deep down I was on the right path even though I had made some mistakes when I followed it. 

One of the important points to note is, no one sees the trans process, they just see the end result. You will get no passion points from most people who were not present when you were struggling as a novice cross dresser with your appearance or how you walk or talk. They weren't there to see the tears you shed when you failed or to be much of a peer influencer when you failed in your mind. Fortunately, the world has changed slightly in our favor with plenty of makeup tutorials and even entire chains of makeup stores to help us all survive in the world. But even still, all they see is you. No matter if the final product is the final product at all.

The disconcerting fact concerning the trans process is, it never seems to give up. Even in the final stages of our lives we face severe challenges to simply living as our authentic selves. Examples include being forced into a non forgiving assisted care living facility. As we know, it only takes one uncaring care giver to make a life miserable for an LGBT person. This extends all the way until death when gender bigoted family members refuse to honor our final gender wishes.

I suppose the most positive way to look at a lifetime of following the trans process is...at least it was never boring. All the times I was excited, yet petrified to follow my path will go down as some of the best and worst times of my life. 

Even though I have often questioned why I was somehow chosen to live as a transgender woman. Deep down I knew I had no choice.

Moving too Fast

 

Image from UnSplash

There were times during my transition when time moved so slow but then again other times went all too fast.

Most of the slow times involved the periods when I had to wait to cross dress again and again seeking precious small amounts of gender euphoria. I needed them to hold me over until the next time I could stare into the mirror and visualize my feminine self looking back. Improvements at the time were painfully slow. It seemed they only happened to just barely keeping me afloat in life. It turned out to be a decades long project to resurrect my true self which went into forced hiding many years before when I was a misunderstood youth. I was forced by society into being a boy when all I really wanted was to be a girl.

Sometimes I think I was fortunate to have survived the slow times in my life when I was so frustrated with my very limited chance to express myself. The very few chances I had were often dismal failures such as when I talked my fiancé into dressing me head to toe as a cross dressed woman. First of all, I didn't think she did that good of a job and the whole experience came back to haunt me when I entered the military. To satisfy her paranoia about me serving, she told me to tell the draft board I was gay. Nothing wrong with being gay but I wasn't and I was not ready to out myself to the world. So out she went. I was prepared to face a long slow three years in the military (Army) by myself. 

It turned out, the three years I served did go by very fast. I was able to experience different cultures when I was stationed in Thailand and Germany. I was even able to come out of my gender closet very briefly to let a few close friends into who I really was. Ultimately I owe the three years to allowing me to meet my first wife who is the mother of my daughter who accepts me totally and giving me the chance to utilize much needed Veterans Administration health care when my business failed and I needed it most. 

The period of time when I signed up with the VA which entitled me to low cost bi-polar medications  and ultimately my hormone replacement therapy was a blur. Not only was I going through a very dark period of my life when I was losing nearly everything, I was exploring an exciting but terrifying time of life when I seriously began to live finally as my transgender self. Initially I set out to live a isolated self as a novice trans person, it proved impossible. I had always been a social person when I left high school and I found I still craved human interaction. My interactions started innocently enough when I began to be recognized as a regular at several of the venues. From there destiny did the rest. One of the bartenders who always saw me by myself set me up with her Mom who I still know today. Another social contact happened one night when another woman sent me a note down the bar. 

At this time, my life began to speed up, I was learning more and more about what my new life could be like. The women I was with showed me so much and I always say , I owe them so much. Without their input, I would have taken literally years longer to achieve my goals of living as a transgender woman. There were times I thought I was moving too fast but eventually determined the feeling was just because my old male self was being threatened with losing everything he had worked so long to accomplish. 

Very quickly I did catch up and look back at that time of my life as one big blur but the outcome was wonderful. 

On another sidelight...it's nine eleven. Never forget!!!!!

Insistence

 

Image from the Jessie
Hart Archives

I found out long ago, living my desired lifestyle as my authentic feminine self would involve tons of insistence. 

First of all, I needed to insist I needed all the practice I could come by in front of the mirror as I attempted to perfect any sort of a new gender appearance. It meant sneaking around the prying eyes of an inquisitive younger brother as well as hiding from my parents who I knew would never understand. Slowly but surely my insistence paid off and I improved my appearance. Little did I know, it was only the beginning of an extremely long life time journey.

Through it all, I needed to insist on continuing my journey no matter how difficult the process was. If I was ever discovered, the push back would have the potential to be tremendous. I could lose my friends, family and job, almost immediately. As the pressure mounted, I still needed to move forward down my path to move from a part time transvestite or cross dresser all the way to living fulltime as a fulltime transgender woman. 

Insistence was also the key during my early days of exploring the world as my true self. I needed to face all the stares (and even laughs) I was getting from the public. I ended up learning the hard way how the mirror could and was lying to me. I needed to repeatedly go back to my wardrobe and makeup drawing board until I achieved more of a success. 

Then, I learned the hard way, how my successes would lead to needing more insistence for success on my part. I was petrified the first several times I was forced into one on one conversations with other women. How was my voice going to sound and what would I say were my primary worries. At the beginning, I resorted to trying to attempting to mimic the pitch of the woman I was talking to and as far as what I would say, I would simply just respond to whatever questions were asked of me. I don't know how well it worked but it was all I had. Finally I was forced to improve and began to develop who I would be as a transgender woman as I began to interact with the world.

Even still, whatever was going on, I needed to insist with some people I was feminine, not masculine. To this day, I have to correct the pronoun usage used with me by strangers. I am fortunate because I have two powerful gender allies with my wife Liz and my daughter Andrea (who also has a transgender child). Often either of them will lead the conversation for me calling me "she".  That way strangers who may question my gender have an idea of who I am. 

What makes everything so difficult these days are the continuing attacks on the LGBTQ and primarily transgender community by a certain political party not called Democratic. In fact, the party has outlined a platform for 2025 which would be the beginning of the end for trans women and men everywhere in this country. A prime reason all of us have to unite against the gender bigots now and in the future.

One of the positives is our tribe has been trained to be insistent and will survive in the future.

Being Better

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart
Collection

Always attempting to be better than the next person was always part of my life. 

Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. If I received "B's" in a school course, my grade should have been an "A". If I made sports team, why wasn't I a starting player? These were just a few examples of how life went. I can't ever remember hearing an encouraging comment like way to go from my parents. Similar to so many other aspects in life, I figured it was normal and went on. Little did I know how being better would come back to haunt me later in life.

As I doubled down on my cross dressing efforts again I found nothing I did was good enough. The main problem I had was I was always playing catch up to the other women. They all benefitted from growing up around a peer group which judged them with basics such as makeup and wardrobe. Of course I needed to learn all of it on my own. 

Perhaps one of the most frustrating aspects of the entire transgender process was not only did I need to learn the appearance process on the fly (with no help), when I ended up going out in public, in order to survive I had to be better than the women around me. Perhaps one of the bigger compliments I ever received from my second wife came when she actually asked me to help her with her makeup one night when we were going out. Although she never said it, I knew I had somehow arrived in her eyes as a person who knew her way around makeup. 

It turned out, I was only scratching the surface. Before I utilized the benefits of hormone replacement therapy to grow my own hips and breasts, I resorted to silicone breasts and foam hips to give me a more feminine form. I simply wanted to be the attractive blond woman in the bars I frequented. It worked as I was noticed in a few of the lesbian bars I went to, as I was approached my other women much more masculine than I was. My confidence soared and I felt as if I was finally making in roads into looking better than the next woman. Even though I was transgender. Then it occurred to me I had to be better to just survive as trans. 

Through it all, my natural upbringing kicked in and I thought being better was just part of the game. After all, any cis woman could throw on any old shirt and jeans and go out and no one would question her gender. If I did the same, I would be busted or clocked instantly for being a man in a dress. As unfair as it was, I understood because I had been living with the rules my entire life. In other words, I was up to working harder to achieve my goal of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Which was becoming harder and harder with each step forward I took. I always understood women led a vastly different gender life as men but I didn't understand how much until I set out to prove I could do it every day.

I was primarily blindsided by the communication aspect of feminine interactive conversation. I needed to learn the basics of reading  someone's emotions through their eyes and not their words. Plus, let's not forget the power of a woman's passive aggressive nature. Too many times I remembered trusting another woman only to be stabbed (or clawed) in the back. The whole process taught me  quickly I needed to get better. A feminine public presentation was one thing but being allowed to play in the girls sandbox was another. 

In remembering my post from yesterday, I still need to remind myself of who and where I am as a trans woman. Just a small thing as a smile turned out to be a huge deal. But I was used to knowing I needed to be better. Picked myself up and went from there.

It's All a Dream

 

Transvestia Cover from
the year I graduated 
High School

When I began my gender journey years ago, little did I know many of my dreams would become a reality. 

In the midst of being so young, all things were possible but at the same time impossible. Here I was so all alone in my very dark, isolated closet thinking I was the only one in the world who wanted desperately to be a girl. I would be years away from my first "Transvestia" Magazine where I learned there were actually many others like me called transvestites. Plus, from that point forward, I had other cross dressers to compare myself to. After all, there were so many others who looked wonderful and I could only dream of looking like.

Then, "Transvestia" opened the door to more one on one interaction with other transvestites by publicizing social mixers I could actually attend because some were close enough geographically to be there. I did go and was exposed to a whole new world I never knew existed. There were cross dressers trying to hide their feminine side with cigars and cowboy hats (way before the Urban Cowboy movie) all the way to the impossibly beautiful transsexuals' who I couldn't believe were ever male at all. Through it all, I still had the impression I did not totally belong in either group. I could dream of looking as good as the second group I mentioned, but getting there was going to take me quite a lot of work. 

Ironically, the mixers led me to networking myself to smaller groups of like minded individuals in Columbus, Ohio which was a much shorter drive to where I lived but far enough away I would not be recognized as a version of my male self. Back in those days, he was standing directly in the way of all my feminine dreams and making any progress difficult to maintain. In many ways, he and my second wife were allies against my authentic self who so much enjoyed the new interaction she was having at the small parties she was attending in Columbus. Those attending again included anyone from cross dressers admirers to lesbians to transsexuals headed for genital realignment surgery. I was able to learn from them all and wonder what future path my life could take. Following the parties, I would spend days daydreaming of the next one and would I be able to get time off of work to actually go. With or without my wife who was normally the only spouse who attended the small mixer. I could sense the whole evening was not enjoyable for her.

As much as my gender daydreaming threatened to disrupt my everyday life during the days following the party, I still found time to do my job well. As well as dream of my next move. Which was could I ever think or dream of considering a life as a full time transgender woman. The term was just being coined at the time and to me it meant a new freedom from the old belief transsexual's needed to complete their gender surgery, sever all ties, then move away and just disappear. Perhaps there was hope for me yet.

Through the small sliver of hope I maintained over the years, it was true I could have the life I had always dreamed of. I was able to carve out a life in what I considered to be a feminine dominated world. Gone were the days of trying to please my old male self with how I dressed and in came the days of dressing to blend with the majority of the women I encountered in the world.  It all led to me considering and beginning hormone replacement therapy and really changing my life away from my old male self. Basically as far as I could without surgery. 

What I really learned through it all is if you can manage to live long enough, life is but a circle and some dreams can come true if you can stay the course. Which essentially what happened to me.

As the Seasons Change

R.I.P Jimmy Buffett

As the calendar changes to September, around here in Southwestern Ohio, thoughts turn to the arrival of the Fall season.  Around here, Fall is finicky because it arrives in stages, It comes, goes and teases us before finally arriving for good with a vibrant display of colorful foliage in October. 

I have always been fond of the Fall. To me it meant the return of  warm fuzzy sweaters, leggings and boots. Plus, it means the return of football season which brings back many fond memories. I was fortunate my love of sports spilled over in many positive ways into relationships with all of my wives. Since I had developed my sports passions as a way to hide my true gender desires when I was younger, I was nearly panicked when I transitioned into a transgender woman and wondered how I would fill the sporting void.

Fortunately, I didn't have to worry long. I fairly quickly ran into other women who shared my passion and knowledge of sports. I have many great memories when I was able to gather with them and enjoy sports over a large draft beer. Something I would have considered impossible when I began to consider my male to female transition not so long before. The whole process enabled me to bring a huge part of my personal baggage with me into a new world.  Making my world more enjoyable was being able to enjoy the weather and the fashions of the season.

Before I did it, I needed to go through my wardrobe and add or subtract any necessary items. The whole process brought into focus one of the most enjoyable pastimes I craved when I transitioned. I had always been so envious of the women who were able to change their wardrobe with the seasons. Out went the old clothing boredom which came with men's clothing in came colors and vibrant change.  In fact, I have just started my process of wardrobe evaluation, and have began to plan for replacements. After looking, I know I better begin the process of shopping for more sweaters before the good selections are picked over. 

Over the years, I came to recognize the Fall with the good as well as the bad when it came to my existence. The change of the Summer foliage dying off represented the possible change of my old male self dying off. I remember vividly one night when I was driving all alone and shed a tear when I saw the dried brown leaves blowing across the road in front of me. I so badly wanted my life to change also but little did I know it would be years before it would. Speaking of changes, my blog gently weeps today when I learned of the passing of musician Jimmy Buffett. One of Buffett's biggest concerts every year was here in Cincinnati. It was one of the must see traditions for my second wife and I every summer. My passion for Jimmy began when I won the corporate front row tickets from the company I worked for at the time. His music always resonated with me and I am so sad to learn of his passing. Rest in Power!

The one good thing about a musician, their music has the potential to last forever.  

Working with the Public

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSsplash

This week I have had several occasions to do a bit of out reach in the community.

One was a meeting I went to for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. I serve on the diversity council and yesterday was my second meeting. During the meeting I told them I was able to write an article for the support group (transgender and cross dresser) concerning my activities on the diversity council. Plus, I also invited any other interested members in the group a chance to participate. And, to increase the reach of my blog, I am sharing one post a month to the group's membership publication.  

During the meeting yesterday I was surprised with the question of just exactly what was the function of the support group I am representing. Since I was caught off guard, I needed to explain to civilians the group provided a connection for transgender women and men as well as cross dressers who are mostly in the closet. I tried to condense my reply so that everyone could understand. In the process, I also used an example from my own family about a recent encounter I had with an VA insurance sales person.

It all started during a virtual meeting with the representative who never questioned my gender. By not outing myself as transgender, I unknowingly set her up for failure when she overstepped her boundaries and called my daughter because she is named as a beneficiary. In my defense, I saw no reason for her to call her at all but she did. The problem arose when the insurance person referred to me as "he" twice. For insurance purposes, since I have had no surgeries, I still am a "he" but not to my daughter. My daughter is especially sensitive to gender pronouns because she has a transgender child of her own and is a fierce ally. What eventually happened was I called the woman and asked her what exactly was she doing calling my daughter anyhow and I was transgender. Naturally, since she is trying to sell me something, she profusely apologized and maybe learned a gender lesson. 

For the group, I tried to keep my explanation brief and impactful so they could understand a little of the family dynamics which can extend into elderly care. Especially when it comes to Alzheimer's. I have been reassured the larger group has guidelines for treatment of the LGBT community but as we all know, the "T" can get lost in the overall shuffle. So maybe I can be a voice in the darkness for change.

The other outreach meeting I have this week is meeting six of my Veterans Administration group virtual LGBTQ get together. Once you join, participation is mandatory and is for the entire LGBT community so we have the full range of individuals from transgender to gay men to lesbian women. It makes for an interesting discussion at times when we all discover we share many of the same problems when it comes to dealing with the public and the VA. 

My overall goal of participating in both groups is to improve my outreach skills and do a very small part to help us all.