The Power of being Impatient

 I don't see myself as a patient person, even though I am mellowing with age and understand many things happen if you are patient enough to wait. An example I can use is the time I spent in the Army. Looking back on the entire experience, it only took three years out of my life and in return I was able to see three continents. Most importantly I can thank my Army contacts for my beloved daughter. Who is my only child. 

Looking back I can remember how I counted the days until I "served" my time and was honorably discharged. Through it all in the back of my mind were my noticeable (to me) gender issues. I can safely say my issues dominated my thinking. The problem back in those days in the 1970's there was precious little information concerning transgender issues at all. Even the term "transgender" was new. According to Wikipedia transgender became a umbrella term in the mid 1970's.  Regardless, I was desperate to learn more about my gender issues. My impatience caused me to try to outrun my issues. Leading to moving my wife and I several times along me changing jobs numerous times. Due to self destructive behavior impatience caused me to flirt with alcoholism. 

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

During the years I was able to redirect my gender frustrations into being able to carve a nice career in the commercial food management business. On the other hand I wish I could reclaim the energy I lost to wanting to become a transgender woman and manage to do it on a full time basis. No such luck and along the way again I overcompensated as a macho male. Heavily into sports and drinking. It worked too well. Except on a few occasions when I was cross dressed as a man and someone would refer to me as a "she" I passed as a guy well. Testosterone over the years had served me well...against my deepest wishes.

I found for me, the most effective way to overcome the effects of testosterone on my body was to begin hormone replacement therapy when I was in my early sixties. As I began the therapy, I was aware a few of the changes would occur over a short term of time but overall, I would have to be patient and wait for other changes. Also age and health was a factor in my medical decision to begin HRT. Fortunately I was cleared medically and I was able (as I saw it) to begin my gender transition from cross dresser to transgender woman. Later on I came to realize switching my hormone balance to the feminine side would aid in my exterior presentation to the world but no matter what I still was transgender. No amount of patience or hormones could change that. In other words, I was correct in assuming mentally I was a girl. 

Having written all of that, I am still extremely impatient when it comes to my hormone replacement therapy. I finally was able to find out my estradiol levels this week, so it is possible I may be in for a slight increase in dosage. On the other hand, I am aware breast size is determined not so much by the amount of hormones but by hereditary history. Also, since all of the sudden I am experiencing growth in my hips, I probably will stay on the Estradiol dosage I am on and not risk any negative health situations.

For once I am going to have to put my impatience behind me.       

All Quiet

 For once I am happy to write it's all quiet on the gender front around here. It's like I am some sort of vacation.

Yesterday I had my virtual therapist appointment and we talked about almost everything but my gender dysphoria. Rarely do I feel comfortable in my own skin, now it seems I have a brief respite from my gender dysphoria. Finally a chance to breathe deeply and recharge myself. 

Of course I have asked the question why now? I feel as if several factors are coming into play. The first of which is I feel good with the path my hormone replacement therapy (HRT) has taken me. My hips are continuing to develop as I have taken the torso mass down with the diet Liz and I are on. To refresh your memories, the diet is no joke as it cuts out all sugar and flour from our diet. Conservatively, I have taken off twenty five plus pounds. Liz and I are heading to my daughter's in laws for Thanksgiving, so I am anxious to show off my developing feminine figure. My first wife will be there and she has become quite heavy so I want to show off for her. I shouldn't be too evil though because the last time I saw her, she commented how good I was looking. 

As we all know, looks aren't everything when it comes to gender dysphoria. As I told my therapist, I am feeling better because of my interaction with the public. The last time we went out to dinner, I had no problem communicating with the server and he didn't seem to have any negative problems with me. Of course we don't go out much anymore and most of the time we still wear a mask so the chances of interaction are slim. In a couple weeks I will be part of a group presenting to a master's level sociology class at nearby Miami University of Ohio. So I will have the chance to really get out in public. 

The problem I have is waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I am referring to is waiting for my dysphoria to return. I have lived with it for most of my long life and it has become a part of me. Plus I have never been one to face life on it's own terms without questioning what is around the next corner.

Perhaps also I am moving past gender dysphoria into some sort of impostor syndrome stage of my life. Deep down do I feel even though I may look/act the feminine role, have I earned the right to be here. To be clear, I have because I went through all the changes which cis women experience, Mine were just different. I have always felt women just didn't become women because they were born into it. They had to grow and become women. Just like some boys actually become men. 

All in all, it's too early to speculate if I have any impostor's syndrome. In the meantime, I am going to try to enjoy my quiet period the best I can.   

Disappearing Shoulders

 Before we inherited a distinct fall chill to our weather here in Southwestern Ohio and sweaters became a priority, I had a chance to wear one of my patterned button up blouses over a tank top I have to make a trip to the VA for a flu shot. I wanted to wear something which would provide easy access to my arm for the injection. 

My reaction to the shot proved to be little or no consequence and in fact was over before I knew it. 

It turned out my bigger reaction came when I checked my reflection in the mirror and was amazed how much mass I have a lost in my torso/shoulder part of my body. Fortunately, the approximately twenty five pounds I have lost on our diet plus weight distribution changes due to hormone replacement therapy, the weight from my upper body has been added to my hips. 

Now I have to go shopping again to find new clothes to reflect the new feminine changes to my body. Yay!

Trans Survival in a Cis Gender World

 

No matter where you find yourself  in the coming out process, I am fairly sure along the way you may have encountered some resistance to changing genders. Mine came years ago when I was called a pervert in a women's room I was using. Later on that same evening I was asked to leave the venue all together. From other happenings similar to that, I developed what I call "Transgender PTSD".(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) On occasion, I still experience it today.  

How did I survive? Basically, everytime I had to go through extremely negative experiences, I shed tears and went back to the drawing board and tried to improve my exterior self to match my feminine interior self.  It was tough for me because I had very few feminine traits to build on after spending decades perfecting my macho act. Along the way, I still lived in fear of hearing the dreaded "Hey! That's a man in a dress." 

Gradually I did improve my appearance as I learned to dress for other women and to blend into where ever I was going. An example? If I was going to one of the upscale pub/restaurants I went to socialize I would wear a fancier outfit which would indicate I was a professional woman of some sort. On the other hand, if I was going to meet my lesbian friends at a sports bar we normally went to, I would wear a nice pair of jeans and top. All of a sudden, my life in the cis-world became easier.

When my life really became easier was when I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). All of a sudden I went to the tipping point of no return. My face and skin started to soften as my hair began to grow along with my breasts. Relatively quickly I reached a very androgynous spot in my life. Finally cross dressing as a guy felt very wrong. 

I need to emphasize none of this was easy. I went through terrifying times all the way to feeling euphoric with my progress. Crossing the gender frontier could be a path I could follow after all. 

If you are considering following the same path, don't go it alone. Find a therapist or a gender professional to monitor your bloodwork and hormones. Estrogen can be a good thing until it goes too high and can become toxic.

In the meantime, try to relax and enjoy the ride. Very few humans have the opportunity to experience both of the binary genders up close and personal.

When it happens for you, you too will be a true survivor.  

Conquering Dysphoria

 As I was previously writing about, my post Army years became an alcoholic blur along with a mad dash to attempt to out run my gender issues. As my authentic feminine self continued to push for acceptance, my male self took the usual way out. Act as macho as I could and keep changing jobs and places to live. I was trying desperately to outrun the truth. Along the way, I lived in such diverse places as the metro NYC area all the way to rural Southeastern Ohio along the Ohio River and West Virginia. 

All in all I managed to be successful in my career as a restaurant manager and salvage my marriage with more than a couple close calls as I was not telling the truth concerning where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. It all started innocently enough when I started to volunteer to do the family grocery shopping. In fact, one of my best days occurred when a bagger in the grocery store was blatantly flirting with me.  It could have been because of the fashionable mini skirt I was wearing. By fashionable I mean many women during that era wore their mini with oversize sweaters and flats. However, the end result was just to embolden me do do more cross-dressed. 

Time moved on until I got caught by my wife and agreed to seek counseling from one of the only therapists who dealt with transvestites back in those days and she was far away in Columbus, Ohio. This was all before the transgender terminology or lifestyle became prevalent.

When the transgender terminology made it's way to me, it didn't take me long to suspect I indeed was trans. What took me longer was to do anything about it.

In the meantime, I was desperately still hanging on to the idea I could keep my feminine self in the closet. I ended up trying to live part time in both genders and it nearly killed me. After I failed active suicide attempt I shoved my girl self back into the closet for the final time. It wasn't so long after I did it, my wife of 25 years passed away. Which opened the door for me to transition.

Even though this seems like a blur to me and it is impossible to write about all the learning experiences I went through as I decided to cross the gender frontier, it was actually thirty years of my life. I am counting post military until I started hormone replacement therapy. 

HRT was an entire other story. 

One final question, did I finally conquer my gender dysphoria? Probably not. I will probably die with it even though I have been fortunate enough to live fulltime as a transgender woman for nearly a decade now. 

Multiple Transitions

 An acquaintance of mine on Facebook (Joni) recently wrote a post concerning an encounter she had with a cis female friend who all of the sudden  "slipped" up and called her by the correct pronouns which I assume was different because how Joni (left) responded to it. 

She (Joni) responded the whole process just seemed to take a while with her friend to actually transition with her.

I believe there are multiple transitions involved with something as complex as a human gender change. Personally, I think I can recall of at least one major transition when I went from being what I referred to as a cross dresser to a fully out in the world transgender woman.

Unfortunately, we lose sight of how hard it is for others around us to make the transition also. Once again, n my case, I will use my brother as an example. He told me he would always know me and refer to me as my old self. Shortly after that I ended up moving away and we never pursued my gender change any further. On occasion, I do feel guilty I didn't give him the chance to try to transition with me. 

So, as we proceed down this very complex and long journey, we find there is no easy answer to the amount of transitions we go through. Some transgender women go down the surgical path to what they consider "the final solution"  then again, some don't. 

Along the way, somehow we have to consider those making the transition with us. Some never make the journey for what ever reason but some do. Making room for those that do is the essence of being an understanding transgender woman. It's exceedingly hard to do on such an often lonely path we didn't choose to accept but somehow find away to exist with. The whole process has a tendency to make us seem selfish.

As you can see from the picture, Joni has transitioned well. To my knowledge she hasn't had any surgery but has been on HRT for several years. Congratulations on others around her accepting her for  true self! 

The Time of Discovery

This week by chance, I have encountered not one but two individuals close to my age strongly considering following  seriously their feminine gender urges. Perhaps you noticed  I didn't use the transgender word to describe either because they didn't.  Both were so new in their explorations, I think they were involved in the brave new world of gender exploration, they didn't know where they were on the journey. 

One discussion was involved with how my initial results went when I first started hormone replacement therapy. It seemed, the person had started some sort of hormones without a doctors guidance by obtaining non prescription meds. Of course I  passed along my usual warning concerning starting the HRT without medical guidance could be hazardous to one's overall health. Secondly, she wanted to know how fast the effects of the hormones showed to the point of not being able to hide my gender changes any longer.

In my case, although everyone's case is different, minimum dosages of estradiol and a testosterone blocker within six months produced effects which were hard to hide. My skin and face softened, my hair grew long enough for a pony tail and of course my budding breast growth was getting harder and harder to hide. There was a definite difference for me of having "man boobs" and the feminine set of breasts I was magically growing. To make a long story short, I was forced out of my male closet and into my authentic self faster than I ever imagined. At this time, after my wife passed away, I was living by myself and my two dogs didn't care what I looked like. So, I didn't have an  un-supporting  spouse to worry about. 

The second person, is local and seemed to be very impressed she had found a supporting group of individuals who are transgender, questioning or cross dressing folk. Ironically, she was drafted into the Army nearly the same time I was in 1971.  At the time, the problem of going into the Army seemed as if it would be the worst possible move as I tried to deal with my mis-understood gender dysphoria. Years later though, I still reap the benefits of my service by taking advantage of Veteran's Administration health.

Overall, I was able to provide a positive look into what a transgender life can look like if certain factors come into line.  At least, that is my goal.

I'm very comfortable pointing out to people too, the whole gender transition process I went through was no walk in the park and I went through my share of doubts and dark days. 

The whole process of discovering my true self proved to be very  satisfying for me. The alternative of cross dressing and acting like a man would have led me to an early grave. 

Vanity?

 On occasion I am incredibly surprised about how much more vane I am as my transgender woman self than I ever was as a guy. Of course it is easy to point out all the gender differences there are in fashion possibilities, even though even that seems to be in flux these days. 

With me, from the earliest days of viewing my cross dressed self in the mirror, I dedicated myself to improving my "look" as much as possible. In fact, anytime I had the chance, I was practicing. It sure beat the time I had to spend in my boring boy clothes and crew cut haircuts. I couldn't wait for the day I could purchase my own wig and better yet, grow my own hair out.

Of course, as the years advanced I grew "into" my feminine vanity and it became part of my existence. I guess more than a few feminists could say the whole process is part of societies' method of subjugating women as a whole to unfair standards of beauty.

Since to a large part, I got such a late start to living a full time existence as a trans woman, I still feel the newness of the whole process.

In many ways, my bodily changes due to hormone replacement therapy have helped increase my vanity to new heights. For example, after I pulled my leggings on this morning, I noticed my thighs were increasing in size due to the redistribution of fat in my body. By now, I know you are thinking wow how mundane is that but it gets worse. With all the problems in the world, I notices one of my thighs seems to be bigger than the other. Of course I have heard of the relatively common occurrence of women's breasts being different sizes, which is a problem I don't have. 

I wonder now, as I approach another appointment with my endo doc in the middle of this month, I am going to discuss with her the possibility of me moving my Estradiol transmission method from patches to injections. The injections I have heard are the most effective way of achieving the best femininizing results. Realistically, I am not expecting much more in my breast development but would like to see more in my hips.

Even though I have not decided which direction I will take (depending on what she says) I am leaning towards the injections.  

I guess vanity will probably get the best of me again.   

Did Gender Fluidity Nearly Kill Me?

 It seems to me the term "gender fluid" has just become popularized by the younger generation of queer women and men everywhere.  My idea was reinforced recently when I attended  a transgender - crossdresser meeting. Several of the participants were 20 to early 30 somethings  Along  the way, they mentioned the idea of being gender fluid.  Or how they wished somedays they could work as a guy and the next as a girl. 

Oldest known picture

At the time, I wondered  if being gender would have worked for me, or was I at all? 

Then I realized I tried being gender fluid and it led me to a suicide attempt. I was trying to live part time in my old male life while at the same time attempting to learn to live as a transgender woman. 

Hormone replacement therapy came along and forced my hand. If I was going to choose a gender, it would have to be the higher maintenance feminine one. When I started HRT, it seemed all too quickly I was growing breasts, my skin was softening and my hair was becoming long enough to tie it back into a pony tail.

At the time, I wasn't planning on the process happening so fast. So, very quickly any thoughts of being gender fluid left my mind. Even though the term itself was probably a decade away from being used at all.

 

As I proceeded on my journey, it was increasingly evident I was home. I had discovered what deep down I always knew...I was born to be a girl/woman. 

In conclusion,  I wish anyone trying to pursue a gender fluid life the best of luck. It nearly killed me.

Gender is NOT a Game

 If you live in the United States, you would have to be living in a cave somewhere to escape the deluge of state legislation against transgender athletes'. 

Of course, reportedly all of this legislation is originating with one ultra conservative organization. Thus these legislative members around the country all have a template (so to speak) to formulate their "own" bills.

More than likely, the vast majority of these legislators have never met a transgender woman or trans man and have no understanding of our lives.  Most certainly too, none of them have taken the time to research the effects of hormone replacement therapy on the body. 

I probably am not the best example of HRT on a person's body because I transitioned later in life during my sixties. When I did transition and my muscle mass began to change, I learned quickly how much of my old male strength had disappeared.  I can only imagine how the process would work for an trans athlete. 

One way or another, perhaps the most ridiculous idea is transgender athletes are transitioning just to compete at an advantage. Missing the entire dilemma changing gender presents to the person going through it. The specter of increased mental illness  all the way to heightened levels of suicide among the transgender community is never taken into consideration.

Gender is definitely not a game to the transgender athletes facing legislative discrimination by people unwilling to see the big picture for what it is. The big picture is the old binary gender rules aren't working anymore.

People need to wrap their narrow minds around the fact transgender athletes as well as the trans community as a whole need understanding, not discrimination.

From Egg to a Beautiful Chick?

 Recently I wrote a post roughly equating our transgender gender struggles with breaking out of an egg. Connie took the post another direction:

" All too often, after breaking out of a misplaced egg, one can see her/him-self as an ugly duckling. It takes more effort to learn how to be different from others, yet still fit in. After all, as difficult as it may be to break out of the egg, leaving the nest can be more daunting - especially when others see you as not conforming. Learning that you are destined to become a beautiful swan among ducks comes with the confidence that you can still swim in the same pond - even if you can't quite quack like a duck. I'm sure there are still those who would define themselves as cross dresser

 Increasingly, though, there are those who are referring to themselves as bi-gender. That is, when they present as female they feel to be female beyond what the clothing may indicate; but they enjoy living as their male-assigned gender the rest of the time. I tried that for many years until I admitted to myself that I did not enjoy living a male existence (despite the privilege that went with it). I realize that this does not make me "transer" than anyone else, and I can only allow each individual to self-identify, just as I expect them to allow me to do so. 

I was once told that I couldn't transition properly because I have to wear a wig to cover my male-pattern bald head, and can't undergo HRT or surgeries due to a medical condition. The exact wording this person used was, "You'll never be any more than a professional cross dresser." Thank goodness I know that only I can crack my own egg, and nobody else will shatter it. To that person, I can only say, "The yolk's on you!" :-)"

Great references! Thanks my swan friend!

Paula also added a comment about the growing pains of coming out of a transgender shell:

"I think we all made some howlers, but then I was making my teenage mistakes in my 50s when they're harder to hide.

If the term "cross dresser" goes the same way as Transvestite, how will I be able to update my joke ~ "What's the difference between a cross dresser and a transsexual? ~ About five years"

No Paula, I think your joke can stay the same :)

Transgender Influencer?

 Emma Ellingsen is a 19 year old Norwegian model and You Tuber. She is referred to as an "influencer" because people don't believe she is transgender because of her looks. She is currently going out of her way to tell people all transgender people don't have to look alike. 

FYI...Emma was able to get a head start on her feminine life by taking puberty blockers at the age of thirteen and HRT at sixteen. And of course, here is her picture:

Back to Being Old

After the brief moments of remembering my past military experience, yesterday was also time to snap back to the present. After I went to a virtual transgender - cross dressers meeting last night, it seemed I spent the whole day on the laptop. Of course it included the time it took me to go through all my emails and the time it took to write a blog post. 

Mixed in with all of that was a LGBTQ virtual webinar on aging issues I watched late last week. I came away from it with at least the sense others shared my concerns with conditions we face as we age. Specifically in assisted care facilities and/or nursing homes. Messages came in from political figures such as Sherrod Brown (Ohio Democratic Senator) and the Mayor of Dayton, Ohio. I also learned more about a group called "Sage" which presents seminars to assisted living groups. 

I am also going to attend another seminar summit meeting today on nearly the same subjects. It's called a "Workshop for LGBT Elders and their Caregivers." Hopefully I will learn about any rights the elderly have may have. 

As I say over and over again, I am so paranoiac about having to de-transition and go back in the closet as I face getting older. I am in a different place than many transgender individuals because I have chosen not to have any surgeries at all, plus no facial hair removal. Take me off my hormones (which is also a possibility) and I am stuck dealing again with the worst aspects of my gender dysphoria.

I am fortunate though I have a strong support group around me. 

Through it all, I keep telling myself not to build a bridge to jump off of before I need to. 

Such a Day

 Yesterday was my scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist. It was a virtual visit so I didn't have to drive the 45 minutes to do it, which was nice. It was nice too, to put on a little makeup  for the visit. Little did I know such a small action would result in triggering my gender dysphoria for the entire day. 

First though, my appointment went well and I received refills on my all important hormone replacement therapy meds...spiro and estradiol. She asked all the relevant questions about body feminization, body hair and blood pressure. Spiro can be known to decrease blood pressure too low and cause a person to be dizzy. It is also used to lower testosterone. Mine is very low (15) so I am considering cutting back on my dosage which hopefully will cut back on the dizziness I feel in the morning. I did have to set up another blood test on my hormone levels for her when I go see the laboratory "vampires" in November to make sure my estrogen level isn't too high. I figure I will jump off that bridge when I come to it. 

As far as the gender dysphoria went, if the truth be known, I probably am somewhere between the best look I think I have and the worst look I try to work through. I know too, appearance is but a small part of what works together to make me a transgender woman.

Which means, the worst part of the whole activity is it is a total waste of time and I don't know why I continue to subject myself to it. I can only surmise gender dysphoria will be with me as long as I live and days such as I just went through won't be the last. 

Life is but a Circle

 On my 71st birthday, it's time to take a second (or two) to reflect on what has turned out to be a very interesting life. Along with the curse of early struggles with my gender identity, came the discovery of the euphoria from my weak attempts to cross dress and conquer the gender divide. 

Later in life came the times when I was suicidal as I was trying to lead a "bi-gendered" existence. 

Finally, my life came full circle, I accepted being transgender and lived through a very bleak period of my life when I nearly lost everything. I eventually found by doing that, I could start to build my new life as a transgender woman-full time.

I should probably point  out I am a very impatient person and the time it took me to transition was difficult even though it was aided by HRT or hormone replacement therapy. Even then I learned the hard way taking meds in the end result didn't make me any more or less a woman. The desire was completely between my ears.

One way or another life teaches you lessons if you have the ability and/or the where with all to take advantage. Or if you are fortunate to live that long. 

I would be remiss too if I didn't mention the people in my life who loved me and I loved. My partner Liz and daughter Andrea continue the love today. 

Advice is like rear ends, everybody has one. Mine would be don't give up on life. What's true today may be false tomorrow. Life can turn on a dime.  

Non Binary Fun

 These days I have seen the term "non binary" used in place of transgender in many instances. I find it interesting yet another term is finding it's way into the LGBTQ vocabulary. I'm sure many of you remember how prevalent the transvestite term was before transgender came along. 

I would imagine non binary maybe a more appropriate term to use with younger people who still might be on the gender fence. Would it replace androgyny as a major used term eventually? Or are we dealing in too many terms again in our culture. In which case who cares? I am sure especially the newer people dealing with gender change do. Imagine again having a very androgynous child who is still working their way through gender. In her/his case I think non binary works. 

I wonder too if the world will ever come to the point where acquaintances we transgender people run into over the years will ever come to think of us as non binary? My own personal example is the cis woman I met years ago in an art gallery who chose me for a woman's photo shoot which featured women of different backgrounds. Of all the people who lives I have crossed, I think she is the one who would embrace the non binary term.

Plus, since I have decided hormone replacement therapy would be as far as I will go to further my Mtf gender transition, maybe non binary describes me more accurately too. 

As a matter of fact though, I don't really care, I just wanted to try to write a fun post on the subject for all of you to consider.       

Hard Core?

 Until today, I have heard my Mtf gender transition described many ways. Now I have another. 

On Facebook, I posted this picture.

You may remember it was taken at Liz and I's ninth anniversary dinner. 

Ironically, I had only met this person once last summer. At the time she seemed to be a LGBTQ ally and we had several good conversations. 

Shortly after that, she moved away and the only way I ever saw her was on Facebook. Interestingly, after she saw the picture this morning, she remarked I had a gone through a "hardcore" feminine transformation since she had seen me a year ago. Even during my days in the Army, I never earned the hardcore distinction from anyone. It was in the military when I first had heard the term.

I thanked her profusely but didn't give credit where it was due, I believe the increased dosage of Estradiol I have been on for the past year have finally produced the desired results I was looking for. 

Plus a compliment is a compliment...right? 

The New Reality?

Recently, I wrote a post entitled "Selfish" here in Cyrsti's Condo. Under the new shelter in place rules here in Ohio, I have been stuck at home seemingly forever. In fact, the only big exciting trip out I have recently is a trip last night to the grocery store. Fortunately, most all of the had stock on them (except for the toilet paper)  So we couldn't be selfish and buy our two package minimum.

As you may or may not remember, the "Selfish" post wasn't about toilet paper and hopefully wasn't that bad of a post :).  Selfish was a post concerning gender transitioning and it's effects on those around you. In a short amount of words, is it a selfish pursuit to change your gender back to it's true self. Regardless of what many people think, we transgender women and men aren't really "changing" anything. We are simply beginning to live our reality.

Connie had this look at the post:

"It was more selfish of me when I was trying to compartmentalize my life - living a double life, really. Because I could not be "myself" with family and friends, I had gotten to the point where I was just carving out some time for them, rather than being there for them always. A therapist that my wife and I were seeing together made the suggestion that I ramp up the compartmentalization by scheduling my feminine-self. He used the analogy of an avid golfer, who compromises by agreeing to only play on Sundays, so that everyone agrees that nothing else should be expected on one day of the week. The trouble, though, was that I awoke every morning feeling every bit the woman I am, and, while golf is an activity, this was the very essence of who I was - every day. The suggestion was made from the therapist's ignorance of gender identity and dysphoria, and it would never have worked. However, it did provide the opportunity for me to explain why it would never work, and that's really when my transition began.

As I've often said, a gender transition starts with one being honest with self. As hard as that may be to do, the follow-up is to then to be honest with everyone else. In my case, my wife did not accept my cross dressing, but she has been so wonderful in how she has transitioned along with me. It's a different relationship, of course, but it is completely open and honest. Even if she had not wanted to deal with all of the drama of it, I know she would have still supported me. I postponed HRT for her sake, as she wasn't ready to accept breasts on me, but, when she had transitioned to the point of acceptance a couple of years later, I was hit with my first blood clot. After the second clot, I had to resign myself to the fact that HRT would never be part of my transition.

With the recent passing of Kenny Rogers, I can't help but to hear "The Gambler" in my head. Ha! "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." It's interesting to think of that song from a trans view; transitioning is somewhat of a gamble, really. Fortunately, there is "time enough for countin' when the dealing's done."

Thanks for the comment!

I'm Such a Boob

One topic I don't write about much is hormone replacement therapy (HRT.)  I don't cover it much because of a couple reasons.

First and foremost, I know for medical reasons many transgender women can't take on HRT. Secondly,I also know , many trans folk attempt the dangerous route of attempting to do the whole process without securing medical professional help. Doing that just opens yourself up to many very terrible health issues. Finally, I am always paranoid about giving any indication of me putting myself up on a "transer than thou" pedestal.

Now my warnings are behind us and we can get to the real reason for this post.

You may recall, approximately three months ago, I was able to increase my dosage of estrodial by half after many medical tests. Now I am beginning to feel changes again in my body. Of course what most want to know, does that mean bigger breasts. In my case yes it did, plus I was able to add more volume to my thighs too.

Now, keep in mind, I have been on HRT for over six years, with time off for medical reasons. Plus I spent at least the first six months on a very minimum dosage. I started that way to see how my body reacted to the hormonal changes.

I know too, quite a few individuals who have just started (or are considering starting) HRT for the first time want to know what to expect. Again, I don't write about it much because the results vary so much depending on the age and dosage of the recipient.

In my case, it wasn't very long before I began to feel sensations in my breasts, hot flashes and emotional changes. Then I went years before I went through any other definite changes until I was allowed to increase my dosage. To put it into perspective, my breasts became easily noticeable but not really large enough in my mind to wear a restrictive bra. Now, as summer approaches and hopefully restrictions from the virus lift, if I wear any sort of tight tank top I will need to wear a bra.

Plus, I have a series of appointments coming up early in April which will hopefully confirm I can stay on my current hormonal course. Most importantly to me is the emotional well being I have achieved on my current HRT dosage.

I just hope I am allowed to maintain it. 

As I wrote this, I thought about other like minded ideas to write about and will continue this post tomorrow.

Changing Closets

Yesterday's Cyrsti Condo's post concerning You Tube make up star Nikki de Jager as well as a couple of well read posts on my Facebook feed led me to think again how difficult the changing of one's gender can be. 

First of all, it needs to be pointed out Nikki de Jager was essentially forced out of her closet by a threatened blackmailer or blackmailers. How sad is it has to happen in this way. Here is a closer look at Nikki's background from Wikipedia:

"Nikkie de Jager, better known by her YouTube channel name NikkieTutorials, is a Dutch makeup artist and beauty vlogger. She gained online popularity in 2015 after her YouTube video, "The Power of Makeup", went viral and inspired many other videos of people showing their faces with and without makeup."

Her story led me to think about some acquaintances I have encountered on Facebook. It seems the more festive smiling party pictures they post, the sadder they become. In fact, one of them just said the exact same thing. Changing closets had become too brutal for her and she felt she had to go one way or the other.

I remember vividly how terrible it was for me when I was splitting my life down the middle between genders. Finally, when my wife passed away and I could actually look at beginning HRT, I could see which way I could go and live my life full time as a transgender woman. 

It was quite the slippery slope and until Liz came along and we found each other, I couldn't see another solid relationship in my future. I viewed myself as slipping down on long hard road towards a cliff. At the bottom of the cliff I changed my male closet for a feminine closet. 

It all worked for me although I needed to lose almost everything in my life when I did it. Fortunately, I was able to sneak back into my male closet and bring former interests with me (like sports) and family members such as my daughter came with me.

Leaving all the male clutter behind though never really bothered me. After all, how many humans really get the chance to start over?