A Want or a Need?

 

Summer image from
the Archives. 

Are gender issues a want or a need. 

Initially I know I thought being a girl was a want, rather than a dream. During one of my classic if I had known then what I know now phases, all I knew was I loved my cross dressed image in the mirror and could not wait to see her again and again. The worst part is I could find no outside information on my gender issues. Mainly because deep down I knew I wanted to do more than look like a girl, I wanted to be a girl. Those were the pre-internet dark ages, well before the transgender label was even used. Perhaps, had I had access to gender information I would have known the way I felt went way past being a cross dresser or a transvestite, as we were known in those days.

In my mind, the separation between a gender want or need was I could enjoy cross dressing for awhile when I wanted to but wanted to be feminine because I needed to. Sadly, it took me years to figure out what was going on. I went ahead playing the same old male role I disliked so much as I tried to be accepted into a macho male world without becoming a toxic man. Naturally, it was a difficult game to play and wrecked havoc with how I treated the world. My gender issues and how I dealt with them made me so frustrated and mean, I even lost jobs because of them. 

As the information age caught up to me, I began to understand I was not alone in the world any longer and there was even a label for my gender questioning. It was called transgender and it explained why I had never quite felt at home when I started to explore the cross dresser mixers I went to. Most certainly I knew I met a diverse mix of people. Including some of whom were headed for gender realignment surgery. To go that extent went way past being a want and into being a need. Especially if you were going to all the pain and expense to solve the gender problem they may have had. Even though I was intrigued by the transsexuals as they were called then, I knew somehow I quite did not fit it into their world. The same as I felt for the majority of the cross dressers attempting to express their femininity the best they could. I was stuck in the middle again.

I made the best of it by trying my best to research both sides of the spectrum I was observing. At the same time, I was doing my best to improve my femininization presentation so I could observe closer the transsexuals to see if their path could be mine. My biggest deterrents to following the TS route was my second wife who I loved very much and not having the insurance coverage to complete all the expensive surgeries. What I did have was the need to make a gender change. It had long since gone way past being a simple want. By doing so, I put myself into a gender pressure cooker which took me many years to release the pressure and escape.

Even still, the pressure release was not immediate and took me many years of exploration to accomplish. So many days and nights of being lonely and searching for my identity as a transgender woman finally came around to help me. 

I was able to learn my gender issues were so much more than a want because I never had a choice. They were a need I had to survive.      

Gender Freedom

Image from Irina Rudnick
on UnSplash

 I found freedom was fleeting many times during my life.

The first time I can remember is when I did not ever have the power to cross dress when I wanted to during my early life, I had to really be aware of what I was doing to avoid detection. Of course, if discovered, any life I was living would have been destroyed. I could only imagine falsely promising I would never cross dress again or find myself in a version of conversion therapy. 

The second time I vividly remember my freedom being compromised was when the Vietnam War draft began to loom in my future. It was an unreal situation which became all too real. After college I took my physical and was pronounced fit to serve in the military. I ended up enlisting for three years to be able to further my career as I served my country. 

All along, my youthful self was learning the basics of freedom. I found rare ways to express my true gender self by sneaking out the back door of the house and initially walking around our neighborhood. Plus there were the yearly Halloween parties I went to dressed as a woman to get me by. Both attempts to ease my gender pressure did work, for a short while and then I was back searching for more freedom and often still risking everything I had to achieve it. When I could, I was making the fifty mile trip to nearby Columbus, Ohio to meet and socialize with a very diverse group of transgender and LGB individuals.  From them, I was able to learn more about how far I would have to go to have a semblance of gender freedom.

It was not until I began to really explore the world as a transgender woman, did I finally begin to experience just a bit of freedom. As gay bars and other unforgiving venues began to fade into my rear view mirror (along with malls) did I begin to discover a glimmer of hope I could survive in the world as a transgender woman. With the hope, came a new push to do whatever I could to make myself into a better woman. It turned out, I was not making anything. She was already there waiting very impatiently for her turn at freedom and life.

I learned also, freedom is never free and you have to work for it. In many ways I had paid my dues and it was time to take the chance and collect my winnings. After following a very winding and bumpy gender journey for all those years, many of the traffic signals turned from red to green and destiny stepped in to insure my gender freedom.

My mental health improved and became stronger with everything else in life. Improbably a cis-woman found me and wanted to love and nourish me at one of my lowest spots, so freedom again became a breath of fresh air. Now our gender freedoms are at risk in the upcoming election. One of the candidates who is not female wants to take them all away. Don't let him!  

Tomorrow is Here

Labor Day 2024.

 Throughout my life, I was the best at putting everything off. From homework to attacking a gender issue, I kept putting it off, hoping it would go away. 

Of course it never did and I was stuck until the last moment trying to do something about it. My best laid plans for escape never did work. Especially when it came to my gender issues. When I was young, the whole plan seemed simple enough. Cross dress as a girl as much as I could get away with and then escape back into my male world. No matter how painful that was. 

It was a good plan until life became more and more complex and I wanted more and more from my cross dressing activities. In other words, I wanted out of the mirror and into the world. I started innocently enough with quick trips to the mail box during the day when I was the only one home. Of course I had to wear my shortest skirt and feel the cool air on my freshly shaven legs and I was hooked for life. 

The problem was, tomorrow was never quite here. Once I cross dressed for a quick day, I needed to go back and try to exist in a male world I never really wanted and I deeply resented it. Repeating the entire routine over and over again made me moody, grumpy and overall difficult to live with. Perhaps the worst part was, I had no one to talk to concerning my gender issues. So a full fledged gender tomorrow never came for me. I was just digging myself a deeper hole, thinking someday my life would change. Then, I didn't know it would but I didn't consider how much work it would take me to do it. 

Days, years and even decades went by and still I hid from myself all my gender truths. Most of the time I did not live in the present while I kept in the back of my mind the next time I could cross dress and enjoy my small but growing feminine wardrobe. All of the waiting created it's own set of issues. During that time, my male self was doing his best to survive and prosper in the world. Which at the same time, made the idea of transitioning into a transgender woman more complex and intimidating. It was easy to keep putting off what I knew deep down was true, I was always meant to be a girl. I just had to be in the position to reach out and grab her. 

During that portion of my life, it seemed my gender tomorrow would never be here and massive roadblocks stood up and blocked my way. Navigating them in my newly acquired heels would be a challenge I would have to accept as I crossed the gender border to play in the girl's sandbox. I found myself to be way past the tomorrow mode and started to believe my dream of living as a full time transgender woman was very achievable. 

Very quickly tomorrow became today and with the help of others, I seized the opportunity before I became too old to enjoy it. I am not shy of saying I waited until I was sixty to transition and begin HRT for what ever reason. I ended up feeling so natural, I wondered why I waited so long. 

I Knew my Life had ro Change

Pride Image from Christian Lue
on UnSplash.

As I grew more proficient in the art of feminine makeup and fashion, the possibility of leading a feminine life grew more and more feasible. 

When it did, I experienced certain moments of knowing I could never go back to my male life and I was lying to myself if I thought I could. Still I was stubborn and refused to listen and I was uncontrollable in my search for my true gender. I resorted to self destructive behavior such as self medicating my mental health with alcohol. 

An example was when I cross dressed and went out into the world. What happened was I was emboldened when I drank to do more. I chose and was accepted in a few venues I was used to going to as a guy. Even though I was radiating with anxiety, I managed to calm down and change the way I was thinking. I went from thinking I was trying to get by in the world as a man cross dressed as a woman to thinking I was actually a transgender woman trying to find herself in the world. It was a dramatic change to say the least and quite a bit to comprehend. Specifically, I remember vividly the night in question as once I arrived as a transgender woman, the more I knew I could never return. 

Return I never did. I was firmly occupied in my quest to be the best trans woman I could be. Including researching what my second wife was telling me. She kept saying I made a terrible woman which had nothing to do with my appearance. It had everything to do with how I conducted myself in a new feminine world which I learned I knew nothing about. No one would let me behind the gender curtain until I made the first move. The move meant so much more than just obsessing on how I looked and went into how I acted as the new feminine person I desperately wanted to be. The learning process turned out to be more intricate than I ever imagined. 

Time and time again, communication skills stood firmly in my way when a stranger (mostly other women) wanted to invade my little world. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but what did happen startled me. I needed to do my best to talk to the world as a transgender woman. Matching my external self with what my internal self was feeling. No longer could I try to render myself invisible and visible at the same time. No more going out to buy myself a drink and enjoying it by myself. I think now the last time I did it was when I treated myself to a date night as a woman. I went to an outdoor concert one night to watch an aging blues rock and roll star. I managed to have an enjoyable time and knew right then I had made the right decision and I would not be attending any other events as my old male self.

I knew my life had to change and I was changing it. At times, the process seemed to be agonizingly slow but at others, so fast I wondered if I could handle it. I weathered all the changes and turned them into progresses. I procrastinated my final changes as long as I could. I quit lying to myself and jumped off the gender cliff. Never to return to a male world I never should have been in to begin with. Gender affirming hormones sealed the deal and my body took to them as if they always should have been a part of me. Finally, it never occurred to me the feminine hormones may have somehow been a part of me to begin with.

Maybe the hormones were to blame for a lifetime of gender stress and tension. I will be the last to know.     

Follow your Passion

It does not seem possible but Labor Day is here and for the most part, summer is another memory.

Of course, the fall season brings more with it other than temperature changes (in my part of the world) which leads to necessary wardrobe changes. Even though here in Ohio we normally have a late summer come back, it is time to think about bringing out the leggings and long fuzzy sweaters for the fall.

Perhaps, as important to me and my wife Liz, it is time for football season to kick off again. There was a time when I wondered if my favorite time of year would have to be diminished somehow  when I transitioned into the feminine world. My love of sports was the only big piece of male baggage I did not want to give up. 

It turned out I did not have to worry when I began to notice and meet other women who were as passionate about sports as I was. Especially my wife Liz who shared my passions for The Ohio State Buckeyes and the NFL's Cincinnati Bengals as well as my friends Kim and Nikki. 

I guess I was lucky when I was able to bring my passion for sports with me into my new world.  

This weekend, for a new kick off season, I invested in a new The Ohio State Buckeye sweatshirt. I am very superstitious when it comes to my sports teams and my new soft and snuggly sweatshirt needs to be broken in with a few wins. 

I guess my main message here is almost nothing is off limits to you if you want to transition into a new feminine life as a transgender woman. If you look around, there are women who have the same passions you do. Loving sports takes nothing away from your innate femininity. It's all part of being part of a gender which is allowed to be more layered and enjoy more things. 

If you look around, you can find many feminine fashion sports items to wear. Who knows, if you are still in the closet, you can still wear panty hose under your jeans until you can do more. In this case women are rapidly catching up with men in their love of sports. So you are free to be you.

And one more thing, GO BUCKEYES!!!!

Opening New Doors

 

Ohio River image.

It took me over a half a century to open all the possible doors I could before I decided to begin gender affirming hormones and transition into a full-time feminine life.

For any number of reasons. I over-reacted and resorted to excessive experimentation  before I quit knocking on so many doors. Such as, behind door number one was a wife who did not approve.  Other doors had the usual questions such as what would I do with my friends. extended family and employment. 

Before I could make it to the other main doors, I needed to prove to myself beyond any shadow of a doubt, I belonged in the world as a transgender woman. What took me so long was I needed to live my male life at the same time as my new femininized life. Switching back and forth between the male and female genders took a toll on me but I kept slowly finding new doors to knock on and walk through. What I did was single out a door to go through and then judge the reaction. If I was successful, I would look for another door and if I was not, I would go back to the drawing board and attempt to figure out what went wrong. Often I found out the hard way that even though I was accepted in many venues, in others I was not. Mainly when I pushed the envelope too far and journeyed into the wrong redneck venue just to see if I could. 

Other doors I attempted to open and was successful is when I went to very small diverse mixers at an acquaintance's house in Columbus, Ohio. During the parties, I was able to meet all levels of the transgender community and see how I measured up. Especially with one of the transsexual women who I admired so much. Even though I did admire her, I learned her life was not applicable to mine and I had to keep looking for my own door. Since her path would not work for me. She was a soon to be retired Columbus fire person and was looking forward to a good pension to support her as a single woman. Plus she had good insurance, and I had none of them, I wondered how I was ever able to make it to my dream. 

On occasion, I grew frustrated with the number of doors I needed to go through. It seemed just when I thought I was successful, I was met with a dead end and needed to turn back. I did purge a few times and tried to put my male self in total control but deep down inside I knew the purge was only temporary and my girl self would re-emerge. She always did, stronger than ever searching for the mysterious, magical next door to go through. Sometimes it seemed as if I was stuck in a huge gender maze trapped and looking for a way out. 

Finally, I knew it was time to put my maze, doors and gender past behind me and do the right thing. I found the way out I was always looking for and she was with me all along. All I needed to do was admit the truth. All those years of looking behind all those doors made me aware of one main thing, don't wish for what you want because you just may get it. 

I wished for a full time transgender existence and kept opening doors until I got it. 

How I Became a Lesbian

Image from V T on UnSplash

Looking back, perhaps I have always been a lesbian. 

When I had to live as a guy, I intensely studied everything female and I never considered having sex with another man until I transitioned much later in life. At that point, I was wondering if my sexuality would change when I started living as a transgender woman. It was a highly intensive personal topic I put off questioning until I could not put it off any longer. 

Then I had help from other women such as Amy who instructed me to buy bananas to practice with, without becoming too graphic. She left little to the imagination. Plus, the problem was, I still did not know if I wanted to be with a man sexually or not. The only thing I did know was, since I had started going out in public as a transgender woman, I was totally embraced by more women than men. Probably for two reasons. The first being many women were just curious what I was doing in their space. The second is that generally women are less uptight about their gender than men. Who are very insecure. I just knew, for a change, I was enjoying my life much more and I was much less lonely. 

Still, I was not interacting with card carrying lesbian women and still did not understand the layers of their society. I knew nothing of femmes, butches and even super butches not to mention baby dykes. There are probably more than I can remember such as soft studs. Slowly but surely, I began to learn all about this when I began to regularly frequent two lesbian bars in Dayton, Ohio. Sadly, they did not exist for a long period of time and before they had closed I had moved on to mainly big sports bars where I could watch the games. 

By pure coincidence in the sports bars, I ran into two lesbians. One was the Mom of a bartender I knew and the other was there to pick up a to go order and slid a note down the bar to me. Over time and amounts of beer we became friends and met often. Plus, at the same time, a super butch I knew asked me out for dinner before he actually transitioned into a transgender man. It was my first date with a man and I was very nervous as he was fond of telling me later. 

With all the lesbian interaction I was having, I had the chance to go to lesbian mixers they were going to. My confidence rose when I gained acceptance at most of the mixers. Even to the point of joining up with my future wife Liz and going to a roller girl event in Cincinnati. And, I forgot to mention, Liz and I met up on an on-line dating site under a woman seeking woman category. So yes, she is a lesbian too and our first date was to a drag show. 

Sadly now, most of the lesbian clubs and bars have closed and gone away, leaving a big gap in the LGBTQ world. Personally, through my interactions, I learned so much. Including my validation as a person did not have to come from a man. Plus I was entertained and made friends when I needed them the most. Liz and I are going on over a dozen years together and happy. Proving I was a lesbian all along. I was just waiting for my male self to get out of the way so I could totally express it.

It turned out my sexuality was never in question and I only kissed a few men to know the direction I wanted to go. I owe a debt of gratitude to all the women who accepted me.    

The Long Search

Early in my
search.

The problem I often ran into during my life was taking my eyes off the goal and becoming lost.  

Perhaps my biggest problem was I did not have a clear cut gender goal. Essentially, I was wondering around just trying to get by as I cross dressed my male self in the mirror.  The work I put it sadly only lasted me a few days before the thrill of being femininized wore off and I was firmly back in my male world. The long search for better results resumed.

It took me years to realize the ultimate end to my search was me facing my own truth. Until I did, all the mirrors and Halloween parties in the world would not help me. Still, I was very stubborn and did not want to give up on all of the privileges of my white male life. I wanted my gender cake and a chance to eat it too. I suffered totally because of my idea I could live a life somewhere between both of the main binary genders. The long search went on as I struggled. 

Keep in mind also for over a half a century I searched for my gender identity and the entire journey had it's ups and downs. The ups happened when I was able to present realistically as a woman and the downs when I could not and engaged in self destructive behavior with myself and worse yet those around me who I loved. I did many things I am not proud of today but can not get back.

The search also led me to abusing alcohol and my mental health. Through therapy, I was able to salvage my mental health and fortunately, I was able to curtail my drinking before it caused permanent damage. So my search continued in better shape than it was in before. Plus, I was really able to step up my feminine presentation game to help my confidence when I went out. Through much more work than I can ever admit to, I arrived at the point where I could ghost my male self altogether and leave him behind. 

It was only then when I gathered the courage to end my long search and face my reality My search led me to the spot where I needed to finally accept the fact I needed to fill in the gender blanks in my life. I learned I was born to be feminine and was forced into a male life I really never wanted. Even still, I lived on in a mostly male life I felt guilty being in. It was time to put all my gender lies behind me and end the long search for good. 

I will forever resent I took so long to face my truth but it is something I will have to live with. My goal now is to live a positive transgender existence in my life. Now that the search is over.  

Broken

 

Ohio River image from the
Archives of Jessie Hart.

I am selfish, I want all the time back when I felt I was broken somehow because of my gender issues or dysphoria. 

The way I look at it, I lost years when I stressed over what gender I wanted to be in my day to day life. If I just had a portion of it back how much more I could have accomplished. 

I guess the problem would have been, if I had followed my truth, how many barriers outside of my control would have been placed in my way to stop my progress. For example, I can not imagine any scenario where my parents would have accepted me switching over from my boy self to live as a girl. The best case would have been endless, fruitless trips to a therapist who knew little to nothing about gender issues and back in those days, I would have been labeled with some sort of a mental illness.

If I had gone the route of trying to live as my authentic feminine self at an early age, I would have been broken to start with and have had no chance to change it. So, I needed to develop ways to cope with my broken situation. Early on, I resorted to wearing what I could of my Mom's clothes and buying my own makeup to experiment with. It was a fairly easy fix to get me by until I could risk my life by trying to cross dress again. If I was caught, I knew all hell would break loose in my family. Somehow, I hid my emotions and desires and got by.

As the years flew by, I became used to feeling broken and so alone in my gender issues. I had only one friend who seemed to feel the same way and he ended up moving several states away before I could find out if he shared my desire to be feminine. I ended up with another dead end and feeling broken again.

Fortunately, all this negativity has a good ending. I finally learned I was not broken at all. Society was and all I had to do was learn to exist in my own little transgender world. Not to say, the whole process did not take a tremendous amount of work but it all turned out to be a singular gender effort which was so worth it. Plus, I needed to remove the chip from my shoulder I felt from worrying about all the time I had wasted in my life before I made the all out effort to femininize myself and live my truth. Time is nothing you can ever get back, so I hoped I could learn from my losses. 

I had so much help along the way when I became older and more secure in my gender. Hopefully they all realized I was not trying to live a lie and just was trying to get by and it was the reason we all could become friends. During our lives, we meet so many people who are just passing through and a few leave lasting impressions, I was just lucky I met positive ones. People who showed me I was not broken and never had been.

Transgender Guilt

Image from Civil War Cemetery
Cincinnati, Ohio.

 For many years I felt guilty about having my gender issues.

After all, I felt so alone in my desire to leave my male self behind and live in a feminine world. Not only was I alone, I even was scorned when I tried to express my desires. As I grew through the stages of being a weekend cross dresser into a novice transgender woman, I waited for the guilt to go away or at the least diminish. It never did. In fact, my guilt increased. 

Factors arose such as what would I tell my daughter and my wife, all the way to how I would manage to support myself and my family when it seemed I could lose everything if I transitioned. Selling my life out to be a woman seemed at times to be such a selfish idea and I felt guilty. So much guilt, it stressed me out so badly it wrecked my already fragile mental health. I would not have wished my gender problems on my worst enemy and even a bigger problem I had was there were few people I could even talk to about it. 

Sure, I had a therapist, but even then I felt guilty of sacrificing my masculinity and talking about my inner feelings. I had a gender storm inside me I could not get out and I was stuck between a cruel rock and a hard place. The reason was I was trying to live in both of the main binary gender worlds. For three days, I was learning if I could exist in a feminine world and in the next three days I had to go back to my boring male world. On the extra day, sometimes I lived in both genders, at least in my head. Of course doing all of this did nothing to relieve the guilt I felt on how I was living my life.

The more I lived my life between the genders, the more I could see what was coming. I was lying to myself when I tried to tell myself my inner woman was winning the contest for my soul. When I was spending my three days experiencing life as a trans woman, I felt more alive and excited about my future than even before. At the same time, I still felt the doubt creeping in about if I could make it at all. Perhaps freedom from guilt was on the horizon if I could just make it. So, I kept trying different things to enhance my future.

As I always point out, my male self pulled out all the stops and threw in guilt as one of the main weapons to keep the status quo he always fought for. As he fought, he made sure he brought up all of the fond memories of the time we spent together. 

Finally, his efforts proved to be to no avail as I started to put together a new life as a transgender woman. It turned out he could not compete with my truth, I had always been destined to be feminine. It was an unfair fight, guilt or no guilt. I could take the battle no longer and gave in before the stress literally killed me. I will forever remember the night when I gave in to my feminine side and decided to research if I was healthy enough at the age of sixty to undergo gender affirming hormone therapy. Which would signal a point to me which I could never to back to life as a man. 

From that point forward, I was able to give the remainder of my male clothes away along with the guilt they carried with them. I moved forward to legally changing my name and all the identification documents which could be be legally done in my state and with the Veteran's Administration. I was doing my best to put all the transgender guilt as far as I could into my rear view mirror. 

Doing it With Mirrors

Image from Paulious
Dragiunous on 
UnSplash.

For a time, I thought my entire female life revolved around my interaction with mirrors. 

In many ways, it did as I could not wait until I could slip away from my family and spend time cross dressed as a girl in front of the mirror. I even had a special mirror I was very fond of. It seemed my Dad was thinking of me when he designed the house he built for us to live in. He laid out the house with a long hallway connecting the bedrooms and a bath and finished it off with a full length mirror. The mirror and the distance it provided gave me precious space to admire myself in the mirror as my femininized self.

The only problems I experienced were I had no feedback from the mirror and would not until I experienced the world as my novice feminine self. So, good or bad, I could convince myself I looked great when in fact I had so much work to do to achieve my goal of passing well in public. Even though I was still barely getting by in the public, I still relied on mirrors to get me by and reassure my mind I belonged. What I did was look for the nearest mirror in clothing stores to see how I looked. It turned to be a singular approach to presenting well with the world. 

There were times when I took my mirror worship to the extreme in stores, one in particular comes to mind. There was a coat discount store I was fond of going to since they had coats which came in my larger size. During my shopping trips I fell in love with a pale blue, wool mix, long coat which I thought looked great with my long blond hair. I so loved admiring myself in the store mirror so much, I thought someone would come up and tell me to buy it or leave. While it never happened, sadly, there was no way I could afford it and end up smuggling it into the house away from my wife. So I needed to leave my dream coat behind. 

It took me years to quit doing it with mirrors and begin to live my truth. It was still a struggle to leave my best friend behind. I had subconsciously trained myself to look for the nearest mirror to fall back on to to reassure myself I was an attractive transgender woman. It was a real struggle to rely on myself for a change without the mirror. All of a sudden, the public became my mirror and it was very difficult to adjust to because not all interactions were positive. I needed the confidence to look a transphobic individual in the eye and win the moment. At the least, the transphobe would have to walk away from the interaction thinking they had actually met a transgender woman and we were not so bad. 

The process of interacting with the public over time became automatic and my only interaction with the mirror became my morning check in or when I am applying makeup for a trip out. Ironically, now the mirror is not always my friend anymore. Now I still have to battle what is left of my gender dysphoria when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I see my old male self peeking through which I hate but others times I see a much more pleasant femininized version of my old self. When my old male self weighs in too heavily on me, now I have developed the coping skills to get by and put him back into his place.

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think mirrors would play such an important part of my life. From the earliest days of cross dressing to my current days of dealing with gender dysphoria, mirrors have allowed me to survive.      

Kissing as a Contact Sport

Image from Brian Kyed 
on UnSplash

As a transgender woman, I have been at the crossroad many times of to kiss or not to kiss.

Before I proceed, I need to point out, all of this happened before I moved in over ten years ago with my wife Liz here in Cincinnati. 

The first time I was almost kissed as a woman was when I was entrapped by a much bigger than me trans admirer at a small party my second wife and I attended in nearby Columbus, Ohio. He cornered me in a small hallway and for the first time in my life I felt powerless to fend off another human being. Before he came in for a kiss, or so much more, I was rescued by my wife who told me not to wear such a leg revealing dress anyway with my long blond wig. Of course I did not listen and paid the price later on the way home.

Along the way, as I transitioned, I did kiss a few men, mainly to see what it was like. I was attempting to see if my sexuality was going to change with my gender or not. The interactions were few and included two date nights in the regular venues I went to plus another with a guy I met in a coffee shop. The dates ended up being one time affairs which was sad because I had a good time being validated as a woman by a guy but the coffee shop guy turned out to be multiple meetings before we went to his house. We did kiss passionately before he let it slip out he was married. When he did, I slipped out the front door, never to return. 

The only other man I had a crush on and wished he had kissed me was the big burly, motorcycle rider I befriended after his very short lived marriage to a woman I knew briefly. It turned out I was the only one in the group who didn't disown him and we became friends. But not good enough to be asked to ride on the back of his bike or be kissed. Very soon after I got to know him, he transferred jobs and I never saw him again.

From then on, it was back to kissing women for me. During the lesbian mixers I went to, I was kissed by several women I did not know and I was flattered. Along the way also, I did sneak a kiss in with my two party women friends and one was very sweet. Again, sadly a future relationship with all its complications was not to be and we both moved on but still stay in touch to this day.

All in all, kissing a man turned out to be a duty for me. Something which should be done in return for validating me as a woman. But the overall thrill or charge wasn't there to enable me to want to change my overall sexuality. Plus, I did learn how frustrating it could be to be wanted and not the person who was the pursuer. I found the other gender grass was not always greener, especially when I was basically trapped by a person much larger and stronger than me. 

It was all a lifetime learning experience of learning the ins and outs of kissing another person from both sides of the gender border. I learned my preference was always kissing a woman. As a woman. Especially when gender affirming hormones' gifted me with my own set of breasts to enjoy. Kissing as a contact sport became more fun.

Down but Not Out

 

First Girl's Night Out.
I am on the bottom row, left.

There have been many times during my transgender journey which I have felt down.

However, a little voice in my head kept telling me to keep going and if I did, I could achieve my dream of living a feminine life.  I write many times (mainly for those of you who are still new to the transgender or cross dressing world) how I was ridiculed intensely when I first tried to explore the public as a woman. After being laughed at, I always headed home in a hurry and tried to go back to the drawing board to try to determine what I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to figure out I needed to get past my male ego of what a woman should look like and into blending in with the rest of the female world. The mirror and my head turned out to be powerful opponents. 

I need to stress, it took me years of being down to turn my learning curve the opposite way and turn my frown into a smile when I was out in the world. Along the way, I needed to adjust my thinking on how I was accepted. I needed to realize I would never be the most attractive woman in the room and begin to fall back on my personality to get along. I was transgender and different but so what I was a good person. When I accomplished being at the least friendly to others, I began to be accepted into small groups of acquaintances who accepted me for my true self. In one of the venues I became a regular in, I have vibrant memories of a group of five diverse women and even a few men who I could set in with and have a beverage. 

It all proved to me I was resilient and could survive most things, including my growth as a transgender woman. Even though life was about ready to deal me several severe setbacks I was not expecting, I could make it. 

When life did hit me with setbacks, they were sledgehammer type blows. It seemed life was fond of giving me setbacks such as my wife passing away along with most of my best friends. It nearly finished me off when I had to close my restaurant I worked so hard to buy. More or less, I was left with my house, two dogs and an old car to re-erect my life. 

The old saying the darkest hour was right before the dawn was true for me  I was down but I had one huge card up my favorite blouse's sleeve. Since I was so far down why not start all over again as my dream self. My inner female had always been strong enough  to fight for her existence, so why no let her have it. Karma was on my side also, as it was about this time the Veterans Administration  health care system which I was already a part of suddenly approved the use of gender affirming hormones for transgender veterans. I only needed approval from a VA therapist to start the program. It turned out I was with Dr. C. my therapist for over ten years and she worked miracles for me.

Maybe it was because I was able to outlive a suicide attempt and years of self destructive behavior that I was able to come full circle in my life and end up on my heels. I was down but not out and discovered people in the world who could and would step up to accept me as my authentic self. Even though I needed to make the effort first. Which for me was very difficult. In the end, the whole process made me a better person.

Escalation or Escapism

Halloween image from the 
Archives. Min on right. 

During my life, I spent many uneasy moments in my transgender transition when I was caught between escalating my feminine gender craft or escaping back into my well worn, boring male world. 

The problem quickly became the more I escalated my attempts at being a girl, the more I wanted to do. More and more drama set in as I viewed myself in the mirror. Through it all, I wondered if I could ever put it all together and go out into the public as a novice transgender woman. Following years of escaping back, I finally did take a few tentative steps into the public eye. The first night I tried, I had decided to go to a small book and carry out convenience store just to see what would happen. I arrived and walked down the sidewalk near the store in a shopping center. As I tried to gather my courage to go into the store, I attempted to sneak a look at myself in the clothing store nearby. I could not really see my reflection and began to re-think my idea of going into the store I planned on. Then I decided my idea was not a good one and I headed home to escape back into my male self. 

For awhile, I felt relieved at my decision but then began to think I had taken the easy way out and if I continued on this path I would never discover if I could make it in the world as a transgender woman. Once I was able to locate and buy better fashion choices, including shoes and wigs, my mind started to change as far as escalating myself in the world. After going down a very bumpy road, my confidence increased to the point where I could try out the public again without escaping back to my safe male self. Even still, each time I did escape back, I grew increasingly disappointed in myself and very frustrated in the fact I was wasting all the time and effort I was putting into my femininization. 

Through all the ups and downs, I was slowly but surely gaining small amounts of confidence in what I was attempting to accomplish. In fact, I was scared of how intimidating the entire gender transition process was to me. Many times, I thought I was in too far over my head and was going to drown my entire existence in my quest to be a woman. Something always told me to keep going and the dream I was following would be worth it, so I continued to escalate my transition. 

At that point, one of the biggest surprises which happened to me occurred when I found out how welcoming other women could be. Very quickly I found women were way more apt to approach my feminine side and in return, I could learn how to interact with them also. There was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. so escaping was out of the question. Mainly because I was living through one of the most exciting times of my life. Why would I ever want to escape. 

Still I found I needed to escalate my gender transition. My primary example was when I suddenly had a major mental shift one night when I was going out into the world. As I was going through what I was going to wear and how I was going to do my hair and makeup, it came to me I was no longer going out to trick the world into thinking I was a female, I was going out as a full-fledged transgender woman. I had taken my escalation to a whole other level and one I never wanted to go back to.  When I turned out to be successful. 

When my male life was crashing around me, the easy answer was to keep escalating into my feminine world. Which I did with gender affirming hormones. The magic little pills I started with almost immediately began to femininize my body and my inner emotions. To this day, when I change and apply my Estradiol hormone patches, I thank the powers to be I was healthy enough to undertake the program. 

I believe now, escalating into my feminine world saved my mental health and my life. The more confidence I gained as a transgender woman, the quicker my male self evaporated away. There would be no more escaping. 

Gender Prison

Image from Denis Oliveria
om UbSplsh

Many transgender women and trans men have spent numerous years in their own gender prisons. Sometimes referred to as closets. 

Unless you have had to spend time in your own prison with the walls closing in all the time, you have no idea of how bad it is. Just another proof being transgender is some sort if a choice. Why would we ever choose to possibly destroy ourselves with our gender issues. It all got to the point with me, I was doing all I could to manifest myself being as feminine as I could. When all along my male self was telling me I couldn't. 

I finally arrived at the point where I was given free time from my gender prison to explore the world as my new self. When I did, most certainly I discovered I wanted more and more free time. I discovered also, I needed a ton of work to prepare myself for freedom. I was not prepared for all the challenges I would have to face as a novice transgender woman. Since I had spent so much time cross dressing in my life, I thought how much harder could it be. I never factored in what my second wife was always trying to tell me, I did not really know much about being a woman and she was not going to do much to help me out of my gender prison. 

When she told me that, I reverted back to working ever harder to understand what she meant. Since I had studied women closely my entire life, I resolved myself to trying to get behind the feminine curtain to learn more. It would take me years to get there since it seemed I was living a life time sentence in my gender prison. Outside of a few varied chances to thrive, my prison seemed to be escape proof. How was I ever able to leave my prison without jeopardizing all the white male privileges I had worked so hard for such as family, friends and employment. It seemed the more I tried to escape, the more the walls closed in on me.

Once I staged my big gender prison break, there was no turning back. I discovered that even though my wife would not help me pull back the feminine gender curtain, other women would and I took advantage of their kindness. Even when I was able to, I found I was still looking over my shoulder for any male prison guards who were chasing me. It turned out, even in heels, I was faster than they were and I managed to outrun my naysayers which mainly was myself. 

With practice in the world, I finally put my prison time behind me and I set out to live my dream life as a fulltime transgender woman. One way or another, I had paid my gender dues for nearly half a century before I had the courage to fully transition. It felt so good to be let out of my gender prison and not have to go back. 

My parole officers turned out to be the women friends I found and cherished as I learned so much from them about living in a feminine world. When I used their input and included it with what my own inner woman was telling me, I was able to make a smooth transition even smoother. Plus, I was able to use my prison time as a powerful motivator of what not to do in the world. Even as a man, I tried to treat women differently than the other men around me. Mainly because I wanted so badly to be one of them. 

In the end, spending all the time in my gender prison did not do much for my life. I spent so much mental energy rebelling against my male world, I often wonder how much farther I could have gone if I had used all my resources. It wasn't to be because I was in my own gender prison and could not find the key.

Bridging the Gender Gap

 

Image from Samuel Reagan Asante
on UnSplash

It is a dirty job but someone has to do it, right? We transgender women and trans men are in a unique position to be the only go between both of the primary genders and make a difference. If society and politicians let us.

I did not set out to write another post criticizing a certain political party in my state of Ohio  which is trying to do away with all transgender rights. You all know where I stand. Instead what I am writing about is singing the praises of acquiring deeper gender knowledge. Very few humans ever get the chance to journey across the gender border and see how the other half lives. 

Interestingly, there were times I was asked for my feelings about how another woman's spouse or boyfriend was feeling towards her. Women are more intuitive than men and were seeking out my ideas because they knew I at one time, had occupied the male world. I was filling a void they could not find anywhere else. 

Even still, bridging the gender gap was exceedingly difficult. There were so many things to learn about how the genders interacted with each other to survive in the world. In addition, I needed to adjust to being the pursued gender rather than the pursuer was all I thought it would be. I grew up with the idea girls or women had it easier because they did not have to go through the torment of finding dates, right into deciding what was the right date for me. That is if I was ever asked. Which was not often since I was mostly rejected by men. The feeling was mutual because I did not feel any particular attraction to them anyhow. Especially so when I was accepted into a group of lesbians who showed me my validation in the world did not involve men anyhow. 

My new friends taught me how to bridge the gap and learned so much from them while I did it. I was raising the bar in my life without, for the most part, realizing I was doing it. It was difficult learning to walk the walk and talk the talk as a transgender woman but slowly I managed to do it. I think now my major success came from the point I was finally putting my gender picture together. I was no longer a one man show, I was a one woman show. I could see my gender dream was possible following years of denial and struggle. 

Looking off the gender bridge proved not to be so intimidating any more. Even though I was still afraid of heights, I learned my gender issues did not involve heights at all. It was more a matter of me keeping my feet on the ground. 

Once I did, being able to help anyone else with understanding gender issues was a huge plus. Paying life forward for me has always been a powerful motivator. Plus, being able to shine a light on the gender differences between genders is not something to be feared. The differences should be embraced and celebrated. Including those of us who have been fortunate enough to have the chance to experience both sides of the binary genders. Even though, for me at least, all the down times and bumps in the road I experienced did not feel so good at the time. 

If I could tell my young self one important fact, it would be to relax, learn as much as I can and know I would be successful in the end and bridge the gender gap. Plus, if I stopped building unneeded bridges to climb and jump off of, I would be so much better off.

Trans Weariness

A night out with my wife Liz on left.

Over the span of my life, I have gone through more than a few bouts of weariness.

I was especially tired of being made fun of when it took me many trips to the clothing stores to finally find the correct fashion so I could blend in with other women well enough to get by. Marching to the beat of my own fashion drum was certainly not getting the results I wanted. It got so bad, strangers were stopping me in stores to ask for pictures and not in a good way.

I kept working through all the dark days until the gender clouds parted and I could actually see glimpses of my authentic feminine self. The whole process now happily seems so far away but the process still scars me in so many ways. Especially all the times, I came home in tears following being laughed at after my mirror had lied to me and told me I was an amazing woman. It took me years of work to prove the doubters wrong and I could actually live a successful life as a transgender woman. My biggest problem came from the fact my biggest doubter was my male self. I grew so weary of him telling me I could never live my dream life as a trans woman. 

In many ways too, I grew weary of being a cross dresser and wanted more out of life. It took me trying several terrifying experiences in public to change my mindset around into who I really was. I was right when I was so young when I thought I wanted more than to just look like a woman, I wanted to be a woman. My problem was, life kept getting in my way. Through my formative years of high school and beyond, I had the very real threat of being drafted into the military hanging over my head. Most certainly, I would have a three year break in my quest to determine my gender needs. I was more fortunate than many my age and escaped combat in Vietnam and even got away with coming out for the first time to a few close Army friends after a Halloween party when I told them I was a transvestite. Coming out was an enlightening experience until I was out of the Army and attempted to come out to my Mom. I was roundly rejected and ended back up firmly in my closet. 

In those days, Halloween parties were my salvation from the weariness I felt from everyday male life. Even though they were few and far between, the parties allowed me to get out of the house and interact with the world as a very novice cross dresser or transgender woman. I was able to learn the basics of what I would need to do to survive in a new world I was considering trying. From the Halloween parties I was able to find and participate in transvestite mixers in nearby towns to where I lived. At the social events, I was able to see and interact with others in the cross dressing community so I could judge where I was at and where I wanted to go. When I did, life became less wearisome and I had an exciting reason to look ahead at my next feminine adventure. 

By this time, I was ready to come out of my unwanted male world even further and I was learning so much life took on a new meaning. I learned what transgender meant to me and how I fit in in the trans world which had many layers to it. More than a few of the layers were less than positive and I began to ignore them or called them "trans Nazi's" and rapidly moved on. Basically, they were the people who held their self esteem above others due to the number of gender surgeries they had undergone. Since I had not (and never have) undergone any genital realignment surgeries, they assumed they were better than me. Rejection was quick on my part.

Weariness ceased to be a problem when everytime I went out into the world as a transgender woman I was learning something new. It could be something small such as a fashion error all the way to a huge learning experience of losing my male privilege in personal safety. When I almost ended up hurt. From it all, I ended up learning and doing better.

I guess I should say too, how much my life changed when I started gender affirming hormones. Weariness with my old male self certainly went away as all the changes were different, surprising and rapid. 

Life became like a roller coaster. Once I reached the top and headed down, it was thrilling.

 

Unexpected Reunion

Image from Mickael Gresset on UnSplash

Recently, I experienced a fun unexpected reunion. 

I really don't get out much to test the world as a transgender woman anymore and when I do, normally my wife Liz is with me to run interference with the public. At the worst, people think we are two lesbians. Yesterday, Liz had to work and I was left to run errands on my own. I was not going anywhere spectacular so I went with a simple wardrobe of t-shirt and leggings. Since I was only going to be seen from my car in drive throughs, I did make sure to apply a light coat of foundation and lipstick. My hair as always was a challenge. It has a mind of it's own and yesterday it was a wonderful long wavy hairstyle just waiting to be loosely pulled back to face the public. My goal is to have a style which loosely flows over my shoulders and around my face. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not so much. My hair is the only part of my image which is not age appropriate but I don't care because I went so long in my life being forced into having very short hair. 

My main challenge yesterday was when I needed to take our car to the oil change place we always go to. Making the change into male dominated spaces for some reason has always intimidated me after I transitioned into a feminine world. Perhaps it is because I know from my male past, how some men try to take advantage of women in work situations. I hate to be perceived as a weak woman but on the other hand, it is nice to be thought of as a woman at all. As I wrote, it has been awhile since I had been out on my own and I did not know what to expect when I went to the oil change place. I only knew it would have been nice to experience a reunion with my feminine self being accepted in public.

It turned out, all my fears were unfounded when I was called Ma'am at least four times during my visit. By that time my reunion was real and I felt empowered to finish the rest of my errands. On top of my initial success, all my other stops were easy by comparison. When I safely returned home, I could finally bask in the glow of my gender reunion as well as all the resultant gender euphoria. I should write also, I am spoiled at home by Liz because she has always thought of me as a woman, so I don't have to work as hard on my authentic self. 

Coming up, I have another challenge of sorts when I attend the LGBTQ support group session at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Hospital. In the past, I have attended several others of these sessions which were met with mixed success. I think mainly because of the problem of trying to mix gay and lesbian attendees in with transgender ones. The path to understand each other was simply too great. Especially when the group was not blessed with trans women who were more quiet in their criticism of society as a whole and the VA as an entity. Sure the VA could do more for the transgender veteran but they could do a lot less also. Support in my book has to do with helping those around me more than baseless complaining about things the moderator has nothing to do with.

One way or another, I will see how it goes and since I am retired and not doing much else, why should not I take the time to attend. My experience has told me to hope for the best and expect less and maybe I will encounter someone who I can help. Or, another unexpected reunion.

While I am on the subject of things which are coming up, I need to schedule my annual mammogram and take care of an upcoming dermatology appointment at the VA here in Cincinnati. I have a  growth on my face they want to take a look at. Naturally I hope it is nothing serious and the mammogram I need because of my maternal grandmother passing away from breast cancer. I consider the process as a rite of passage into the female world for me. 

At my age, medical appointments seem to be taking over. I am just hoping for no unexpected medical reunions and more social ones. The reunions where I am one on one with the world and come out as successful. Enabling me to want to be more active again. Plus the fall season is right around the corner. It has always been my favorite time of year and it is time to go through my wardrobe to see what stays and what goes. Who knows, I may have some more unexpected reunions coming up.

Trans Girl in a Beer Garden

Image from Igor Omilaev

Following moving in with my future wife Liz in a Cincinnati, Ohio suburb, I went through another unexpected transition. 

When I moved, I threw out all my male clothes and started living full time as a transgender woman and I still had my very small circle of friends who had ever known anything about my male self. What I ran into next was being accepted into Liz's circle of friends. Sure I was scared or terrified to meet them all, I had no choice to hitch up my big girl panties and go with it. Long story short, I survived and most of the group seemed to accept me with open arms. What it all did was add another layer of acquaintances to my transgender journey. 

Then the group began having Halloween Witches Balls in the metro Cincinnati area and Liz and I became organizers of the big party. By doing so, we needed to help select the annual venues. It just so happened, several of the potential venues were owned by brew-pubs in the area. In order to check out the venues, we (or I in particular) had to check out the craft beer. Through it all, I enjoyed myself immensely. One venue I remember in particular was in a retired huge old church and the second was a second floor area which featured an outdoor on street beer garden of sorts. After we looked at the party venue, we were able to find a table outside and enjoy a couple of their beers. Even though the brew was wonderful, the company was better. I was able to relax, not attract any undue attention and watch the world interact around me. As a relatively new transgender woman, it was the first time in my life I could live as a free person. 

From this point forward, I knew I was included in the group and had added another layer of gender transition to my life. I already know how much I enjoyed beer gardens from my days in Germany, so I was just combining the two for more success. Plus, for the first time, I was on the feminine side of life so I would not have to be envious of all the women around me. Now, since I drink so much less, experiencing an outdoor beer garden is a rarity. Fall, is not so far away and I hope I can experience several Cincinnati October fests to celebrate a big birthday I have coming up. Cincinnati is a heavily German heritage town and has some fantastic fests to experience along with the fall weather. 

Perhaps, it will be a great time for this transgender girl to experience more time in a beer garden. 

Stuck on Me

 

Image from Monika Kozub'
on UnSplash

My second wife used to be fond of telling me, my gender issues were all about me.

Looking back, I think she was right. In so many ways I was single handily attempting to cross the gender frontier with no help from anyone else, including hers. Among many other things, she just did not care for my inner feminine self. She always called me the "pretty, pretty princess." Even though the comment always hurt my feelings, I knew I was too immersed in my appearance and then lacked the actual experiences in the life of a woman to prove her wrong. Plus, I was selfish in my pursuit of a better feminine cross dressed experience. Not to say very frustrated when I was only getting out into the world very infrequently to explore and learn to explore what she was talking about. Just going out on Halloween and very infrequent transvestite mixers was not enough to relieve my gender tension or dysphoria. 

Since she passed several years ago, I will never know for sure but I think she never did want me to survive as a transgender woman and return to my full-time male self. I know I came off as being selfish and I was. I couldn't wait for the next time I could cross dress as my authentic self who at the time was really learning how an intense a time it was going to be. It was an incredible time in my life of learning and I was extremely disappointed my wife could not or would not come along. On the other hand I understood when she told me she never signed up to live with another woman, which I could not disagree with. I was stuck between my transgender rock and the hard place many trans people find themselves in. Either discontinue my gender journey I was on to become a transgender woman or at the same time I give up on my twenty five year marriage.  To a woman I loved very much. 

Along the way, I learned I was so much more than the "pretty, pretty princess." I am sure if my wife had lived, sooner or later I would have had to follow my true gender path and we would have needed to separate. My fondest desire is we still could have remained friends and she would have liked the new feminine person I became. After I paid my dues.  As it was, when she passed so unexpectedly, she left me on my own. Which meant relying on the gender basics I had come to trust over the years. It was then, there was nothing holding me back to going forward towards a gender transition. Even as stubborn as my male self was, he finally gave up the effort to maintain his place in the world.

So once again I was stuck on me and this time, it was the true me. The me I always dreamed of becoming with the help of my wife Liz and other lesbian women friends I had made. When I gave of myself, they gave it back to me. So, in many ways, I was stuck on them. There was no more princess in my future. I had paid my dues and applied to play in the girls' sandbox. Even though there were plenty of times I had sand thrown at me or suffered claw marks, I survived and earned my right to be there. At my age (sixty-ish), I thought I was too old to start over again but found out I was not. 

Through the miracle of gender affirming hormones and life experiences, I was able to reboot my life and live a dream I never thought possible. I guess you could say I became stuck on life. The princess was gone and she was replaced by a secure public transgender woman. Buh-bye!