Showing posts with label cross dressers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cross dressers. Show all posts

Friday, April 19, 2019

Fierce

Last night was the third Thursday monthly social for cross dressers and transgender women Liz and usually attend.

At last nights' get together, seemingly, everyone had a good time and even had a couple of trans men attend. The venue we go to is normally very empty except for our group and last night was no different. We even have the same server.

All went well until it was time to pay and Liz was handling the credit card receipt to our server. For some reason, the server proceeded to call me "he" twice in the same sentence...to Liz. I found out if there is one thing more dangerous than misgendering me to me, it's doing it to Liz. In a split second, Liz fiercely set the server right. I was not a he! It all happened so fast I barely had a chance to comprehend what just happened.

I love her so much!

Liz and I at last years' Cincinnati Pride 
Changing subjects and going back to my endocrinologist visit a couple weeks ago, Connie had this to say:

 "I'm surprised that your endocrinologist didn't tell you about laying off bananas while on Spiro. Bananas (with peanut butter) has been my favorite mid-morning snack since childhood. I can even have withdrawal symptoms if I don't get my beloved banana boost. I'm sure that is why I took note of Spiro's effect of a potential potassium build-up when I was researching it many years ago. I would sacrifice my daily banana, though, for the lessening of my testosterone, but my levels have gone down with age, anyway. 

Speaking of bananas, have you heard that Mike Pence is so homophobic that he eats them sideways? :-)"

In all fairness to my VA Endo Doc, she seems to be over worked and under paid and remembering back not so long ago, my Veteran's Administration Medical Center didn't even have an Endocrinologist at all. I really have had no problem with the care I have gotten at the VA but on occasion you have to remember you get what you pay for and be patient...or be the patient. 

Ironically, it was a transgender friend of mine who reminded me about bananas when I started on Spiro.  And yes I have heard that about Pence. Saturday night, we are meeting up with a cross dresser friend of ours who knows Pence's brother over in nearby Indiana. It should make for an interesting dinner conversation! 

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Weekend Transgender Fun

Or, things to do while I happen to be transgender. Mentally, I don't make the separation much anymore. To me, I am just me, presenting feminine after so many years in gender hell. On occasion though, I will pause and look back on what a long strange trip it has been. I even considered posting my one and only "before" picture with this post but I won't since it causes me to remember back to so many painful days.

At any rate, we are supposed to have a good Spring weather weekend around here for a change, so it's time to dig through my wardrobe and pull out a few suitable
cross dressing pic... circa 2009
outfits.

Friday night is the monthly dinner and music social with the cross dressers - transgender group. I will have to check the weather but I might be able to get away with just a light sweater with jeans or leggings. I have a powder blue sweater Liz gave me that goes great with leggings and actuates my figure. I may have to break down and wear a bra with it though because it gets a bit "nipply" if you look at me from the wrong angle. I just don't like to wear bras, preferring a more "natural" feel. The lighting where we go is normally low, so I should be able to wear the outfit without a jacket and do fine.

Saturday (as always} is errand day. We start with Liz's martial arts class where she just became a recommended black belt and then go to the grocery store. This week though, we have another meeting for the Witches Ball Committee, which should be interesting because the head person quit in protest. So everyone will have to step up and take more responsibility. So far, my deal is being in charge of our Cincinnati Pride table. Not too bad.

Finally Sunday, we hope to get a head start on the yard and work outside. Boring but needed activity.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Passing Thoughts?

Actually I like the word "presenting" better than "passing" when it comes to describing one's feminine appearance.

Also, the term is way over used anyhow but is it a natural phenomena or not? After all, the world operates to a large extent on appearance. I remember going to a very small rural school growing up with basically the same kids all the way from first to ninth grade. The most attractive kids basically formed a clique which lasted all the way.

Unfortunately, we transgender women still have a tendency to over rate ourselves when it comes to appearance. Instead we need to rely on our inner confidence to show the world who we really are. Always remember, the majority of cis women in the world don't have the benefit of being physically beautiful either but do the best they can with what they inherited.

Equally as bad is when we all get set up for failure by the cross dressers and/or novice trans women who often think dressing trashy is sexy and never present well.

The bottom line though is well represented by the quote above.  Thanks to Jill for sending it along! 


Saturday, January 5, 2019

Stepping Up Your Game

Referring back to a couple of recent Cyrsti's Condo posts, we have discussed in part, the need to "step up your game" in public.

I have always been a proponent of the idea women primarily dress for other women and men are brought along just for the ride. The exceptions of course are special romantic dates, etc.

That is why you see so many women who seemingly don't care about their appearance when placed upon the heightened levels of cross dressers and/or some transgender women.  Two factors (at least) come into play as I see it...time and finances. Very few of us can spend the extra hour it takes to reach a "swank or glam" level to go to the grocery store. Or have the finances to always have the newest and prettiest fashion. Then again, there are women like my daughter who are so busy with her three kids and a job, she is normally very casual in her dress.

When I am going out to a special venue with Liz, I do my best to step up my game and keep up with the "Josie's ".

Then there is the other end of the spectrum...the women of Walmart. For me, it's hard to dress down to their level. I just can't justify shopping in my pajama bottoms and an old sweat shirt of some sort.

Finally...there is this:

No, I did not get this from Connie...it came from Jackie!

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Transgender Sexuality

When we transition from male to female, naturally enough, the world is driven to it's own conclusions over our sexuality.

If and when, I am given the chance, I love to insert my well worn phrase "Sex is between the legs, Gender is between the ears. I started to think about all of this again recently because of two recent happenings...one of which I wrote about here in Cyrsti's Condo, during the "Space Invader" post.

Very simply, the post was about another woman who wouldn't leave me alone. I don't like it when I am needlessly poked or prodded. Now, I'm not saying the whole thing was anything sexual but then again, I don't know. I am aware too, women are allowed to touch each other when men normally never do. One way or another, the advances were not liked or returned.

Of course too, we transgender women have the stigma of being promiscuous. Which comes from drag queens and fetish cross dressers.  I think if I see one more 50 ish crossdresser poured into a plaid mini skirt on other social media, I am going to scream.

Then again, going back to the original point, Connie has another idea:

"I dislike being nudged and poked, too. A gentle touch on the arm or hand is fine, as I enjoy platonic intimacy. Unfortunately, I am not prone to being the "toucher." I have a fear of having my affections misread as being sexual, just because my trans status may be misunderstood. This applies to both men and other women. Then, again, I have misread the touching by others as being platonic, only to discover that it was sexual. I have always been a bit naive, unable to readily recognize the difference between love and lust. I blame it, mostly, on the fact that I am a trans woman; a psychiatrist may have another take on it, though.

We, as trans woman, should have the same rights as anyone else to set our own boundaries, whether they be physical or verbal. You didn't deserve to be subjected to her invasions, but I doubt she knows that now any more than she did while she was committing them. Some people are always going to act in predictable ways. We can only recognize that fact and make the choice to either put up with it or stay away. Just know that it's her and not you". 

Especially now, in the era of the "Me Too" movement, it is especially important our boundaries are respected.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Voting

Received several comments about voting from across the spectrum. Thanks to all who sent in comments including the illustrious "Yeah...Whatever" Pat Scales (I am surprised New York or any state doesn't require some sort of I.D to vote though.) Connie and others.

One thing is for sure, I won't miss all the dirty political ads on television.

Other than that, we have a busy day coming up. Liz has a couple of doctors appointments, I usually accompany her to, plus we have to go vote of course.

I am running so far behind, I haven't even figured out what I am going to wear!

Thursday, October 18, 2018

The Bewitching Hour?

As Halloween draws ever closer, transgender women and cross dressers everywhere are scrambling to put their final touches on what costume they are planning to wear this year and where they are going to wear it.

I know many of you regulars here in Cyrsti's Condo also follow Stana's Femulate blog and have seen a few of her outstanding efforts around Halloween.

This year for the first time in several years, I am faced with the opportunity of having to put together two costumes for two separate events. The first, The Witches Ball I have written about extensively about but the second I haven't. Liz and I are considering going to a bar where the community of crossdressers I know goes too. The Witches Ball is this weekend, the other event is on the 27th.

I am not enamored anymore about wedging ourselves into a jam packed room but it might be fun to see a bunch of cross dressers tottering around on their impossibly high heels, or just see who really has an original costume idea.

Like I said, it remains to be seen if we go at all.

This afternoon, I have to see if I have have taken enough weight off to fit into my witches ball themed costume. This years' theme is "Mobsters and Monsters". As I have written before, the costume is a three piece black pin striped female mobster outfit. So, I hope it fits!

Monday, October 15, 2018

Out and About?

As Halloween rapidly approaches, it's time again for closeted cross dressers and trans women everywhere to step out of the closet and strut their stuff. Sometimes, I feel sad Halloween has lost much of it's "buzz" with me. Every year here in Cyrsti's Condo it seems, I have written about a few of my more memorable Halloween adventures. Of course the pressure was on when I knew it may be another year before I could get all dolled up and go out again. Along the way, I think I secretly hoped my friends would grow suspicious if I looked too much like a woman. As you may remember, I first came out to a few close friends after a Halloween party in Germany when I was in the Army.

Those of you who have any military experience wonder just how it happened, here is how:

First of all, I worked as a disc jockey for American Forces Radio and Television (AFRTS) which as you can probably guess was one of the more non-military jobs in the Army. Essentially, I landed my spot because I worked for my congressman on his radio station during college and seven slots opened up quite unexpectedly when a battle damaged F-4 hit the radio/tv station in Udorn Thailand.  Killing all in the station.

I put in a year and a couple days in Thailand and against impossible odds landed up with a try out for AFN in Germany. They told me they were going to send me to Stuttgart and "hoped I would improve." What it really meant, was they needed a morning DJ who could get up in the morning on a regular basis to do the show. I could.

We were housed in a school complex which included a large commissary, medical facility and other units such as signal corps. So, when these groups got together, the parties were pretty legendary. That was how I was able to find a Halloween party to dress as a woman for while I was in the Army.

However, there were several gaps in time before and after the party which I couldn't even think about Halloween, let alone dressing up.

Now I will go to the Cincinnati "Witches Ball" dressed as a gun moll of sorts because I have to.

I just don't want to be mistaken for a man in a woman's costume. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Boy in the Mix?

In one of the latest "Ulta" beauty company commercials, they show several different people getting their make up done. In the midst of all the cis women is one boy busily applying makeup.

This got me to thinking competitor "Sephora" here in Cincinnati has a special session every now and then just for transgender women and/or cross dressers. The only other thing I know about them (the sessions) are they fill up quickly.

For more information on classes in your area go here.

Friday, August 17, 2018

No Fun

After I finished my walk this morning, completed part of my vocal training homework and ate a bowl of some sort of cereal which had a strong resemblance to tree bark, I wondered how much of this I would be doing if I wasn't transgender and wanted to look my best. Of course, I would not be doing my vocal training but the rest, possibly.

Again and again, I am reminded of those novice cross dressers who say they will never pass without considering what steps need to be taken to have the best feminine presentation possible. Our skin comes to mind as another area of upkeep which needs extra attention. I make sure all my makeup is removed at night before applying my moisturizer/ wrinkle cream. As, I need all the help I can get for my nearly 69 year old skin.

I just like to know I am doing my best to look good because again, I need all the help I can get. And yes, that includes looking at some of my most unpleasant parts of my body. For another "tongue in cheek" look, let's check in with Connie and her comment on checking for your skin tone, by looking underneath your wrist:

 FABULOUSCONNIEDEEAugust 16, 2018 at 1:29 PM
"So, you're asking me to look at one of my most unfeminine physical parts to determine which color I should wear, are you? Not only are my wrists large, I have an ugly scar from a botched surgery after a work accident left me with two severed tendons to my thumb. Add the fact that my veins (no matter their color) tend to pop out in a masculine way, either from the heat or from strenuous physical activity, and the underside of my wrists are really dysphoria triggers. Nevertheless, my veins are blue, and I am as cool with my femininity as the colors that look good on me! :-)"

Cool!

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Dressing for the Troops?

Shelle lles sent in a great comment concerning my seemingly constant quandaries about what I wear to certain events, especially around other trans women or cross dressers: (the troops)

"You are a dear friend so I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I notice that most of the events you attend are with other transgender people or dressers.
Which may or may not drive your choice of wardrobe at these events.
I mainly go to just regular people events so I observing mostly cisgender lady's I tend to dress more like what I observe in a more or less normal type situation so I don't worry as much about makeup and that kind of thing because the women I'm around mostly don't do it. Of course I do enjoy having nice nails, hands and feet and some jewelry, but for the most part I'm pretty natural.
Just offering a slightly different perspective here.
I as I look at my life I have come to realize that I really didn't set out to be a Transgender, I just knew I was always a woman and not so much anything else. I guess being a transgender was never my goal, even though that's what I would be labeled by people on that side of life. I live in the regular world as a woman which is where I think I belong best."

To be certain, some of the events I go to are dominated by transgender women and or cross dressers. However, just as many aren't. For example, the picnic I am going to Sunday, I probably will be the only trans woman there. Plus on karaoke nights, the group meets in a very straight bar and I loath thinking I would stand out like a clown. Several of the "girls" manage to do it every week when they try to sing, or worse yet dance. I keep telling myself there is a place in heaven for a six foot two person in three inch heels trying to find rhythm  and then dance. Oh well, at least they are having fun, I just couldn't subject myself to that.
I like your perspective and attempt at all times to dress to blend. Sometimes though, it's fun to just try to show off. Being the bitch I can be (and I never say anything) I can't help but notice how many of the other "attendees" may spend a little too much time in the thrift stores.
One of the bigger compliments (I think) I have received in a while was last night, when Liz asked me if I was going to finish my make-up and I had previously. I too agree, iand as much as I can, I go the natural route. 
Thanks for the thought provoking comment!  

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Female vs Woman

In all the posts recently when we have "skirted" the issue on compliments from all people including cross dressers, transgender women and even cis women.

Along the way, it occurred to me, I had forgotten one of the oldest concepts I used to write about here in Cyrsti's Condo. The fact being born female does not make you a woman. The same as being born male does not make you a man. Both are socialized positions, so to speak.
Class? All Low?

Unfortunately, as trans women and/or cross dressers, some of our most strenuous ridicule comes from females...not women.

I always figure they think they are superior to us because they were born with a vagina. Most likely though, they are a little jealous when we happen to outdo them in the looks department.

It is also one of the reasons we have to make our look appear effortless. Which any woman will tell you takes a lot of work.

I just figured it was important again to make sure we all know the difference between a female and a woman. There is a huge divide.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Therapist Revisited

Often, my therapist visits are mainly very vanilla in nature, with the occasional "aha" moment sneaking in.

We had one of those yesterday when I brought up the relative lack of response to me getting about half my hair cut off. I wondered why out loud and she brought up a couple points.

First and foremost, she said maybe it's because men normally don't mention, or notice things like hair on women. So, perhaps these cross dressers or transgender women haven't advanced that far into womanhood. I am sure you have noticed it is a far different world than the male one. When dealing with another woman, any sort of compliment is a nice way to open communication on a good level.

She also said, to be fair, many novice cross dressers and/or trans woman are still too wrapped up in how they look to notice others. Naturally they suffer from extreme insecurities.

One way or another, I left with a better understanding of the gender world.

Friday, June 22, 2018

The Name Game.

Lately it seems, every time we turn around, someone is adding another letter to the LGBT moniker.

LGBT has become LGBTQ and beyond even, which I am not going to mention in this post. Oh well, why not. There is also LGBTQIA. If you wonder what all that means, "Q" is for questioning "I" is for intersex and "A" is for ally or asexual.

I still wonder though, what happened to the "C" for cross dressers?

Maybe you have to complete some sort of reality school to "graduate" up into the main lineup of letters? Also what happened to transsexuals? Remember when the all powerful Transsexuals "ruled" the roost after they climbed the gender dysphoria ladder to surgery and then disappeared? Maybe some still do, but almost all of the trans women who have gone through surgery I know these days are nice and mellow women.

Then there are the poor transvestites. Remember them? I remember explaining to a few key people in my world what the term meant. It seems pretty harmless these days. All I wanted to do was to dress like a woman. Of course, all of that started to change when the transgender term came along.

Every once in a while, I take a look at the other letters to see what they still mean to me. Although I know it drives many lesbians crazy, I consider myself a lesbian because I am a woman and live with a cis woman. I was gay "questioning" but never saw the need or desire and "Bi" is pretty self explanatory.

Finally, I am not intersex and I live with an ally.

Hopefully, I covered all the bases...I think I feel better!

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

I'm Just Me?

Ironically, sometimes ideas just seem to come together about the transgender life path I have chosen. On the way to Transgender Day of Visibility, my partner Liz took a moment to remind me how far I have come in the past several years in the quest to be my true self. She pointed out how much more confident and secure I am today.

Then, Shelle (long time friend) wrote into to Cyrsti's Condo and said she didn't even think of herself as a transgender woman at all, anymore...just a woman.

As I thought it out, I just think of myself as me and let the world sort out the rest. To be sure, male was always a struggle for me to do. Woman has/is been so much easier, after I climbed certain walls and made quite a few falls along the way.

Now, me is woman and always has been, so I guess I could lose the transgender part too but I don't. For one big reason:

Years ago, I watched as so many transsexuals climbed their ivory towers and proclaimed to the world they were women and then just disappeared. Fading into societies woodwork. In many senses that was all well and good. At the same time though, there were no "gate keepers" to show younger people who did consider transitioning the way. What exactly were the differences between cross dressers, transgender or transsexual women?

It turns out now, the younger generation is solving the issues for us anyhow. One of the main sub topics of the TDoV last weekend had to do with gender fluidity and why we all have to be judged from a strict gender binary basis anyhow. Somehow, someway, my generation missed the point totally.

What we didn't miss was, the chance to start breaking down gender discrimination barriers to begin with and to start the movement to truly bring the "T" into and under the LGBT umbrella as an equal partner for once.

So, there is pride for me. Pride in being a survivor. After all, I made it through all those nasty years in a closet without actually managing to kill myself. A part of me wanted to show that to the world and as a matter of fact, is one of the reasons I write this blog.

At the end of the day, I am just me, and I am proud to say I am transgender because I did cross the gender divide. However, if the truth be known, I was always just a woman anyhow. Just a another label.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Phantom Waists

One of the many fashion problems we transgender girls face (and cross dressers too) is creating a waist line.

From Fabulous After 40 comes a spring and summer chic idea to help us all out!

I am soooo happy to see this fashion trend return. I used to love it!

Follow the link above for three ways to wear this fashionable figure flattering top!

Those "Pesky" Cross Dressers!

Our recent posts here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the dressing habits of the average cross dresser versus transgender woman continue to garner interest. Here are a couple more comments:

  1. "You're note alone, hon - I've noticed the same thing. There are 2 trans support groups in my area, and I felt guilty for the longest time about noticing the same thing.

    There would always be one side of the room wearing beautiful dresses, with their hair and makeup done, looking happy to be among friends. Then there's the other side of the room, looking like they just threw on a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt, looking bored or exasperated.

    I stopped going to the one meeting because there was far too much scorn and condescension going both ways. I know it shouldn't matter what we wear, and I get the mindset that some girls don't feel the need to impress anybody anymore, but I look at those meetings as an event, much like going out to dinner with friends, and I appreciate a little effort."
  2. "I had a cross dresser friend up until a couple of years ago. Replies from her/him (we knew each other as both) to my calls and emails ceased a while after I decided to live full-time as a woman. Prior to my decision, we spent many hours discussing our respective "conditions," and one night I did some math to put some quantity to what we felt was our "quality time" presenting as women. Between the weekly CD social club outings and about one weekend a month, multiplied by the number of years we thought we had left to be able to present (maybe just the ability to walk in high heels?), I came up with a total of 10,000 hours (500 hrs/yr X 20 years).

    The difference between us was, mainly, our respective definitions of "quality time." To her, it was to be dressed to the nines, where I felt that the ability to just be who I was amounted to quality for me. My 10,000 hours have long since been used up, even when only considering waking hours of each day. Had I tried to dress to the nines for all of them, though, I probably would have permanently damaged myself in those high heels! I do love to dress up when the occasion calls for it, but I don't need to do it to feel complete. I think that when one has to rely only on their allotted 10,000 hours (or whatever can be arranged), she wants to get as much out of it as possible.

    Which one of us, though, might have something to prove? Going for full-blown glamour may be an effort to prove something, but I think that presenting oneself minimally could also be an attempt to prove something, as well: "See, I am a woman no matter what I wear or how I present!" Then, we must also ask ourselves the question as to whom we are offering the proof. Is it to others, or is it to ourselves?"
  3. First, on Sally's comment. I agree with the "scorn" comment. In fact, since two or three of the most abrasive members quit coming to the larger group I go to, (all trans women), meeting attendance has started to go up, although another transitioning woman seems to have the ability to step into the void on occasions and be over bearing. 
  4. Connie, of course I think the proof of being a woman lies within each of us. Over the years, I too have lost contact with several acquaintances who went on to have genital realignment surgery. It could be we grew apart because I was too involved in my own transition and I felt somehow they had arrived and wouldn't  care about me. Now I'm not so sure.
  5. As far as presenting to the groups I go to now, I try to wear tasteful but still fashionably strong makeup but I normally never wear anything other than jeans or leggings, with a nice sweater. My look represents the woman I have become.
  6. Thanks to Connie and Sally for your comments.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

It's OK!

As I wrote in the last Cyrsti's Condo post, there is plenty of room to differentiate cross dressers and transgender women.

An example is one of the professed cross dressers who comes to one of my transgender support group meetings. She is quite attractive and seems to be quite secure in who she is. She says she is satisfied with a life that has her looking like a cis woman part time and living like a guy the rest. Yes, she is married.

Granted, to be able to live like she does, one has to have an understanding spouse.

I wonder too, if the number of trans nazi's who drift through the group, influence her too. Several just aren't pleasant people and don't seem to be secure in their Mtf transition. One is even a total "IQ-45"(Rump) fan, which I can't come close to understanding. She went through SRS several years ago and just has a level of meanness which doesn't lurk so far beneath the surface.

Of course, being trans is not just a trait you somehow acquire, I believe you are born into it...or not.

The cross dressers in the group profess having the freedom to dress or not, but a transgender person doesn't. The difference being, a cross dresser wants to look like a cis woman, while a trans person wants to be a cis woman. Or live the life of one.

Some, like the person at the meeting, are fortunate to have been able to transition well enough to step between the genders. Most just aren't.

Either way, it's OK to exist together. Cross Dressers and transgender women are just as different as drag queens are to us.

More Cross Dressers Versus Transgender Women

Here in Cyrsti's Condo last week, we examined briefly, the subject of cross dressers and how they relate to transgender women, if at all.

Some feel cross dressing is simply a fetish activity which is essentially harmless, while others are fairly sure being a cross dresser is a gateway to becoming transgender over the years. Paula Goodwin sent in an interesting comment:

I think we are all part of the same family, different expression of the same issues, different situations, allowing different levels identity expressions.

Of course our different situations also mean we have to find conformation of our identities in different ways. Today I can go out into society socialising, shopping, working and play authentically, much of this is inaccessible to the cross dresser, who is only allowed outings on high days and holidays, or maybe not at all. For them the selfie may be the only authentication they can receive.

Our social group is more than happy to have cross dressers, non-binary, full time, part time and any other expression of trans as members, ~ and we try to be nice to each other."
Thanks Paula!
I think, there is also a certain amount of friction between the two groups because they are so radically different. 
More on that later!

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Oil and Water?

A follow up post about the site I recently linked to here on Cyrsti's Condo, will refer to the possibility of bridging the gap between cross dressers and transgender women.

Sometimes I wonder if we are the equivalent of oil and water mixing.

Of course, during the stages of a Mtf gender transition, many of us pass through being what we believe to be a cross dressing period. Then gradually we find,being feminine is a natural way of life for us and we begin to think of ourselves as transgender.

This transition makes it incredibly difficult for us to explain to a spouse, family or friend what is going on with us. Simply wanting to wear clothes of the opposite gender is easier to pass off (no pun intended) than wanting to switch and live full time.

Also, the incredible tiny yet huge differences between the binary genders can not be easily explained or even learned without real life experience.

I do think cross dressers can understand transgender women and vice versa.

It;s hard for me though, to understand the cross dressers who seem to be more interested in posting a selfie, rather than caring what is happening to LGBT rights overall. But there was a time, I was guilty of the same thing. It took me years to figure out when and if someone took the time to tell me "how good I looked" was there a silent "for a man" attached to it?  Plus learning to live a feminine life encompassed so much more than looks or passing.

Maybe I have been chosen to experience binary gender dysphoria and fluid dysphoria in the same life?

Why not?