A Trans Girl and her Dog

I recently read a post on Jessica Who?'s blog about a crossdresser who was basically attacked by his dog after a transformation session. Obviously his dog was totally fooled by the transition and not in a pleasant way.
Of course I started to think about my loyal furry companion for the last decade and her reaction to my transitions over the years. She has never gone on the attack mode and probably if she could talk, she would say "really-are you going to wear that tonight?"
Just recently I have let her come with me more and more. For the longest time, she went every possible place with me as a guy but almost never with Cyrsti. So she got to the point where she would go into an extreme pout as I was getting ready to go out.
As my transition moves forward now I do take her with me.
I did have another furry friend for several years up until he passed on to doggie heaven about a year ago and he would look at me quizzically.
But that's about it with my dog stories. If you are a dog person, I'm sure you have a story or two of your own. Normally, our pooches take unconditional love to a higher level and really don't care how we are dressed. Be sure to check out the story in the Jessica's Blog link above for one who didn't!

Transition in Sound

As you all know, I try to pass along the transgender YouTube videos which are sent to me. I love the obvious joy and happiness in almost all of the ones I post here in Cyrsti's Condo. This one is another!

All That Trans Jazz

Recently Barbra Walters and ABC revisited Jazz a young 12 year old transgender girl (below) who decided  to transition when she was seven. (above)

Among other things, Jazz talked about dating and that she is attracted to boys. When asked if she was worried about finding a boyfriend, she replied: 'I am a little bit. But if any of the boys decline me because of my situation then I just know they’re not right for me at all.'

For more on Jazz's update, go here.

Carry on Trans Baggage

We are now officially in the holiday travel times from Thanksgiving to Christmas. In whatever mode you are traveling this season, normally baggage is involved.
All of the commotion started me thinking of the amount of baggage we carry between genders as transgender women and men.
Some have suggested we shouldn't carry any of it. But is that possible? I suppose your amount of baggage is somewhat dictated by the amount of life you have lived.  I'm not suggesting the transgender experience is easier at any age but it's true at a later age families, jobs and a myriad of other responsibilities do add a ton more baggage to the process.
But go ahead and say it-I'm biased because I represent the older edge of all of this.
Bottom line is however I do believe at what ever age you decide to transition as a man or woman, your baggage is coming along. As time goes by you have a choice to sort through your past belongings to see what you want to keep or throw away.  Less and less of it remains.
On a positive side, your experience as your birth gender has the potential to make you a better human being. What could be better if those pieces of baggage you are combining as both genders do provide a unique view of what life could be.
If you are the "glass is half empty" type of person, you could say the negative baggage you brought with you will always affect your life.
During this holiday season, I hope you have a chance to reflect on the baggage you may be traveling with.

Transsexual Economist

Deirdre McCloskey is an internationally renowned economist and economic historian. She is the author of a memoir recounting her transition from male to female. McCloskey was born Donald, the son of a Harvard professor and a poet. She remembers wanting to be female as early as 11 years old. She writes, “As Donald aged 13 or 14 waited for sleep in his bed, he would fantasize about two things. Please, God, please … Tomorrow when I wake up: I won’t stutter … And I’ll be a girl.”

This is an excerpt from an article about Deirdre McCloskey on  the Equal web site. Read more here.

Tears and the Transgender Girl

Another of my "trifecta" of hormonal results involves tears and the trans girl.
Of course men crying is rejected as weakness- except in times of extreme duress and that was me.

Now I discover I feel deeper senses of joy or melancholy but certainly haven't bought into the fallacy that women are the weaker gender. Ironically, crying still isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of feeling. Memories, friends and world are suddenly closer to my emotions.

I still can't say I'm reduced to huge bouts of sobbing but then again I know several genetic women who aren't either. I can say though I have cried more in the last eight or ten months than the last last 50 years.
As in so many things in this transition process, I didn't set off to do a scientific experiment or to add relevance to my feminine inner self. It just happened.

Taking all of this a step further, I recently received an email from a person considering beginning HRT at the age of 60. The worry was the effects would be lessened at an older age. At the age of 63, I believe my hormonal effects have been nothing short of wonderful. Especially considering the minimal dosages I have been on for 6 of 11 months. The deepened senses of joy and melancholy are emotions I would have missed if I didn't start the hormones,
Of course in my decidedly non medical opinion, age brings on a natural HRT anyhow.  Certainly I have less testosterone in my body now that when I was 25. Another post for another day!

I'm sure those of you who stop by Cyrsti's Condo who have experienced much more transition than I may agree much of the process sort of sneaks up on you. You hope the changes are coming and sometimes they may involve a few tears. But as an genetic woman will tell you tears are just another part of the gender and not necessarily a disaster.

Looking Back and Forward

Following the weekend's intense activity, I finally have had an opportunity to reflect on life as I know it now.
Recapping just a bit, Saturday's burial of my outward male and emergence of my female self was intense to say the least. Sunday I sort of curled into a ball, Monday I worked diligently on all the projects I do and last night I went out for a drink to the place where much of my public coming out process happened.
I'm going to stop and quote a loving and giving quote from my Mom now: " Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes". As "non frilly" as that quote may seem-it's true.

Last night, I thought back on all the times I went to this very busy upscale sports bar in various "experimental" outfits and wigs. I've told whomever will listen (and some who won't) I was very much a trial and error transition person. (mostly error) I was fairly certain this feminine direction I was heading was the correct one but I had to find out for sure. One of the those moments occurred where I was last night. Years ago I was sitting there and this incredibly warm sense of well being came over me.  No, it wasn't the beer and I didn't have to run out and buy a store bought vagina- I just knew I found my true self.

At any rate, the last five years have been one hell of a trip. I went back to the dusty archives to pass along an ancient post from Cyrsti's Condo, called Weekend Update.  I was interested to see how completely I was into the psychical aspect of the moment...shaving legs, clothes etc. I won't pretend to say I'm not into the psychical aspect of being a woman now but it ceases to be the all encompassing factor. I guess it's important to me to look as good as I can but it's not the defining factor of my femininity. Again, I have been so lucky to have learned from a close group of genetic female friends currently and in the past on what a woman is and isn't.

As I look forward to the time I have left on this world, I'm incredibly excited what is around the next corner for me on this journey.  I'm never so sure what dose of positive karma brought me to this point. I compare my life as a human and a transgender person to an old school pin ball machine. Don't we all play this game?   Five silver balls and we are done- game over-see ya!  As hard as we try, we try to aim the silver balls and hope for big points. Skill is one thing though but what about luck and destiny? If you know those answers-please can I talk to you!!!!!

So looking forward, I'm hoping to have at least one or two balls left to play...and have as much fun as karma will let me!

Singing in the Shower

Well, I'm not really singing here or in the shower and yes you are lucky!
Tonight I had a chance to consider the difference between the basic shower process in my transition.
Of course the male shower process is akin to a dog. In- out some soap and shampoo- shake dry and get moving. Obviously I'm way past that.
I had a busy day today so I decided I would jump in the shower before I cooked dinner. "Jumping" now "ain't what it used to be." To start with, I'm fortunate to not really worry much about my declining body hair. Tonight I wasn't going out anyway, so no worry about shaving at all. On the other hand, I needed to shampoo my hair.
The moment I got it colored, a whole new world of shampoos became a reality. I began with a conditioner and a shampoo before the saloon appointment and walked out with instructions to buy a special shampoo for treated hair as well as a conditioner. Fortunately, my stylist realized I was a beginner in the process.
I also had to learn how to wash my longer fuller hair. It's naturally a longer process and a pleasant one I was to discover.
Finally, once you wash your hair, you have to figure out what to do with it. I have to tell you I'm still very clueless about the bewildering array of different brushes and their uses. But I'm told my hair is relatively thick and wavy so I can get by until I learn more "girl stuff".
Again I had an easy night and wasn't going anywhere so I simply brushed my hair out thoroughly.
Finally,  colder dryer weather is setting in and my hormone levels are on the rise again.  Again, a  good coating of cocoa butter body oil is more than fun-it's necessary.
So by the time tonight's showering was complete, I was so hungry and thin I had to run around in the shower to get wet.
I know this is just another part of the reality process of crossing gender lines.  There was a time I thought this process would be flat out wonderful. At this point , "wonder" has left the building and has been replaced as a very satisfying part of my transgender transition process.
Time to eat!

Your Transition Tube

As you all know, every now and then I like to pass along a YouTube Video which seems to stand out from the rest of the huge number of transgender transition vids. I so wish the medium would have been around in the "dark information" ages when I grew up!

Welcome?

OK, if I've heard it once, I've heard it a million times. "Welcome to Our World" 
From the first development of sore breast "buds" to the dry skin to the hot flashes, my genetic girl friends have laid it on me.
Hey, I love it. Obviously, I want to be in their world.
Also I should point out (as with most of my life) I'm fairly certain I'm doing this transition thing backwards. I have experienced a ton of feminine socialization, it's keeping up with their world physically or at least
coming up to speed has been the challenge.
I always knew of course that female was the high maintenance gender but really?
Filling a bathtub full of 10w30 weight oil to re-lubricate my skin which could have been reacting to the fact my body was doing a wonderful job of self combusting all summer is an example. As I have written, all those frilly girly shower or bath moisturizers just aren't cutesy girl stuff...you need them!
Now summer comes to an end and it's time to add another intensely feminine aspect to my progression-hair.
We all know how inherently sensual a woman's hair can be.  For out entire lives we watch girls and then women seemingly always primping or playing with their hair. In addition, you have probably read a couple of the articles concerning how much the average woman spends on her hair in a lifetime.
All right, go ahead and say it girls: "Welcome to Our World". In an incredibly short period of time, I've had to step up my shampoo game  to a shampoo with conditioner and now a shampoo with conditioner for regular color treated hair. Plus, lets not forget the spray bottle of "Freeze and Shine" which I'm supposed to spray five times on my hair before I use the blow dryer with more attachments than an old wrench set I kept losing pieces to.
As I said, I have a lot of catching up to do but that's all right. It's really different to reach up to adjust your wig and it's your head and hair and all ready I feel helpless to do much with the actual style I have.
I am fond of saying "I'm nothing if not persistent" and I have two really positive factors working for me:
The first is I'm told I have good hair to work with. The second and most important is I have some really good friends to help me!

Closure

I've been trying to find the words to describe this week and close it out and get ready for what's next.

Perhaps one of the more exciting parts of all of this is I'm in another "warp speed" phase of life. In a little less than two weeks I have my appointment with a new doctor which I call my second phase of HRT.

As I do with most of my major transition events, I have a tendency to become more than a little withdrawn to consider what just happened.

I always considered my hair was going to be a Major piece of the puzzle. How big it turned out to be- I wasn't quite prepared for.

First of all, the obvious. I took a huge step to becoming complete- head to toe. All of the sudden, I became androgynous. With the help of the hormones, all of the sudden my hair tipped me towards the feminine side of the spectrum no matter how I was dressed.

Then there were the fun things such as the visit to salon after I calmed down and their reaction to my hair.
I have mentioned I'm very fortunate to have no male pattern baldness in my family and of course my hair has not been subjected to a lifetime of treatments. No coloring, no perms or heat just naturally gives me a younger fuller head of hair. My daughter commented how bitter she was that she "didn't get my hair instead of her Mom's". Of course my BS detector was figuring daughter and stylist were just being nice but she took my grand daughter back there a couple days later. It turns out the crew wanted to compliment her on my hair and wanted to see the completed process. As you remember I had to go as a guy with three days of beard to be evaluated on facial hair removal. Ironically, the first time my daughter saw me as me was in the same crummy picture I posted here.

There is more to this of course which I'm going to get into in my next post!

The End of Men?

I read a post recently about this topic.
Yes it was feminist babble and not worth passing along. You have read it all before.  However,  in it's own way it's no worse than when I lost IQ and  talked down to by men as I really  started to transition.
Sooner more than later, I believe the human race (if we last that long) will become essentially genderless anyhow.
Already there is news about experimental womb transplants starting to occur. How long will it be before your flight to Bangkok will include a new womb too? Will it matter with some? Probably not I'm sure some will still think a home grown vagina or womb is worth more than store bought models.
Of course I'm biased but the feminists have always wanted us to feel guilty about our transgender or transsexual selves.
I'm sure similar to so many archaic gender biases-the feminist manifestos  will be yet another meaningless footnote in history.
Take sex out of the picture for a moment and unique view of the world from the gender spectrum's would be missed if there was an end to men and women!

The "Out" Door Opens Again!

From Lexie Cannes :

 THE GUERRILLA ANGEL REPORT — First it was musician Laura Jane Grace in the Spring, followed by film director Lana Wachowski’s debut this Summer. Now Australia’s Lindsay Walker, an artist who has previously drawn a number of covers for The Phantom comic book series, has recently made her transition to female official. While Walker may not be as famous as Grace and Wachowski, the comic book phenomena is nothing to sneeze at. Like her trans peers elsewhere in the art world, Walker becomes a role model for trans people following comic books in general and The Phantom in particular. In addition, the knowledge of a trans artist in the business helps “normalizes” the presence of trans people. Thumbs up to Lindsay Walker, another trans role model.

No Surprise...

Julie Ross has had the courage, conviction and compassion to step and out to discuss her own transgender child.
Of course she has been vilified as well as praised for the decision. Note the use of the word vilification. Not the criticism word. Big difference-no surprise.
Just take a look at the trans community for examples!
I felt it for the first time on one of the big transgender transsexual social sites when I tried to write about my own experiences. I learned my lesson early but I still am stunned on occasion by comments I get here.
Examples?
I have been trashed for waiting so long in life to transition, having a prom date as a guy all the way to having any fond memories of my male life.  Plus, I left the best for last-I'm not worthy to lead a feminine life at all because I don't have a store bought vagina.
No chance for discussion or questions just bitterness and even almost hate-all right here in our so called trans sisterhood.
So I can sympathize with Julie's thoughts:

"Over the past several months I have been venturesome (or perhaps stupid?) enough to publicly share my interpretation and personal feelings from my front row seat as the parent of a child who has identified as transgender. (You can find them here on HuffPost... they may be helpful in grasping the back story.) I have been equally supported and vilified by readers far and wide. I have been told that I am an "incredible parent" only to be corrected by a different reader that I am actually a horrible parent and that G-d does not make mistakes, just I do. Compliments for my honesty and style of writing are usurped by bashing for "rambling" and being a "horrible writer." I have been called "wonderful" and "self-centered" in the same thread written (sometimes viciously) from the comfort of computers around the world that I will neither find nor seek to find. And it all makes me wonder."

From the comfort of my computer - Julie Ross has done wonders by stepping up and out for present and future transgender transsexual kids everywhere.  Way to GO!!!!!
For more go here.

Mina Caputo a Year Later

From Loudwire:

Against Me! singer Tom Gabel has been in the headlines this year as he undergoes the transition from male to female to become Laura Jane Grace. But if she needs someone to talk with about being a rocker undergoing such a change, she might want to reach out to Life of Agony‘s Mina Caputo.
Last July, the longtime metal vocalist known as Keith Caputo revealed that he was making the transition from male to female and would be known as Mina Caputo. The musician tells Noisecreep.com, “I got a lot of grief for it, but it was nothing compared to the years of pain I went through not being open about the way I felt inside.

Over and over again I can't express how positive all of this is for the transgender community. Every baby step we can take becomes larger when a public figure comes out and tells the world he or she is transgender or transsexual. 
When the trans person involved is a younger public person, then the impact is even larger. 

OMG! You are killing me!!!!

First Monika, Stana, Janie and now Michelleliana!
You simply have to read her "Top Ten Reasons Middle Age Transition Doesn't  Suck!!!! (here)
I'm not worthy!!!!!!!

Trans Wreck Part Deux

Thanks for all the response!
Some of you have emailed me having not unraveled the Google process to comment here. I think you have to have a Google account of some sorts?
Janie, who I will post her comment in a bit-I had to establish a "Wordpress" account to comment on your blog. These are times I wish I was more computer literate.
No I didn't derail, back to the Wreck and Janie's comment:

"I do believe there are girls out there who transition for the wrong reasons. It is an awfully big decision to make in one's life and unfortunately the gatekeepers do not really properly restrict the availability of hormones and SRS to those for whom it is needed. I expect that profits and politics are the chief reasons for this. There is a line than needs to be walked between not being unduly restrictive with transsexuals who need these things and preventing those who don't from making a big mistake. If what you say about this woman is correct, someone in the system should have told her, "No." It is so hard for us to understand ourselves sometimes and we need others to do their job."

First and foremost I agree.  One word can describe one trans girl's dilemma: "Thailand".
Back in the day a transgender woman had to live a year as a female before a reputable clinic in this country would do the SRS surgery. Now the standards are cash and slash.
Right or wrong, I don't make any value judgement on any of this. I have a hard enough time with my own life.
BUT! I do wonder sometimes when I see a show where a person still living as a man is shown shopping for a feminine wardrobe before heading for SRS in Thailand. With the hormones he still looks as a effeminate man and after the surgeries he does look as an attractive middle aged woman. Wonderful but I still wonder if he got to live as a woman enough to make such a crucial decision.
We all have to know looks are just a gateway to a "jenderjump". The world is different. I've spent two years now writing about it!
As a group we are no different than any other culture. We make mistakes too.
What separates us is we seem to take such pleasure on feeding on our own.
Cross dresser, transgender or transsexual; a trans wreck is never pleasant but never should be a cause to attack others. 

"Trans Wreck"

I have used the term "trans wreck" to describe a couple of not so great examples of people taking the gender race a little too far.
Now before some of you bring out the sticks to bust me, here is my only disclaimer:
As I have said many times some of the most vicious, mean and vindictive people I have ran across in my life have been fully changed transsexual women. Connect the dots if you must and I have. I figure they are frustrated at making a major mistake with their life and want to take it out on others. They are my dots and I connected them.
So, onto my example.
Years ago, when I started to come out of the closet I started to attend some transgendered meetings around the area.
One person in particular was the "queen of the hop" (no pun intended) She was very attractive, stylish and accomplished. She was friendly but sort of "held court" with like minded and other attractive girls at the meeting. I marveled at how similar trans and genetic females socialized.
I maintained contact over the years very loosely with her and several others in the group. She wasn't the first to start to indicate this girl thing was more than a weekend hobby.
As two of the others began to seriously transition, sure you could see the difference but more importantly you could feel the difference in them. They exuded female somehow.
With her however she continued to be the prettiest girl in the room but I never felt the female in her.
Sadly I thought she was just the prettiest guy in the room and was engaged in a real ego battle of one upmanship. Hey! Look what I got! Hormones! How about you?
Life went on and she went under the knife for SRS and I lost track on purpose.
I felt she didn't want to be associated with just a transgendered girl fighting to find herself. I have to say that was only my feeling and of course she may have felt different. However, I do have a friend who stayed in contact for awhile and that became very consistent with her.  Certainly, if we didn't have the will or money to go the SRS route then we weren't worthy.
The last I have heard she is pretty lonely. Sad if it is true.
That's my "trans wreck" story and I believe it's true others go the same route and become mean and vindictive?
Another problem I see is some of the same transsexuals I read about are the first to say gender does not have any thing to do with genitals but they are the first to hold it against you if you say you feel female no matter what's between your legs?
More on that and the whole topic later.

Whose in the Closet Now?

It's been no secret around here in Cyrsti's Condo about who is occupying which closet.
Actually, for the past year my guy self has been spending mega time in that closet.
Interestingly enough for one reason or another (mostly utility and convenience) he has been brought out-dusted off and put into service.
Guess what. I don't like it. I like why I did it but the experience reset my internal gender compass. (to the female side)
I'm going to reference CD Janie's Blog for a second. If you are not familiar, she presents a very feminine image but struggles on occasion about which side of the gender spectrum she will end up.
In fact on occasion, she attempts to live an extended male existence to test her will.
In my own small unintentioned way, I did the same thing.
Yes I know to some of you that makes me an un pure transgender person but to others of you who struggle with the same problems-you will understand.
Even I have felt I was selling out until I felt how much I wanted to put him back in the closet.
Excuse me while I go open the door for him.

Trans and Dads Maine Style

With Father's Day now in our recent past, stories continue to keep appearing of dad's and trans daughters.
From Portland, Maine comes this story about a special Father's Day from Ellsworth "Derry" Rundlett:

Nick and Derry

"I have been a father since 1965. Over 47 years (and three marriages), I have accrued a few stellar stepchildren. But my son, Ellsworth Rundlett IV -- "Nick" for short -- was the first.
As a child, Nick seldom forgot my special day in June. When he was little, he gave me handmade cards. As he grew older, Nick would often surprise me with some neat gift. I recall a beautiful Australian lighter that I cherished for its special wind screen. Then there was the running shirt that said, "Born to Run." (I run senior track, and I still wear it almost every time I compete.)
When he was 40 years old, Nick revealed that he had been struggling with gender issues. I was shocked. Unbeknownst to me, my son had lived his entire life with the sense that he was really a daughter. Now the burden of resisting this inner knowledge had become too heavy. Nick planned to transition and become Nicole. I was frightened. I feared for Nicole's future, and that of my grandchildren. What would happen to her job? Her marriage? Her social life? Most of all, what was going to happen to my best friend?

Partner , Derry and Nicole

After Nicole confided in me, she embarked on a creative process of self-actualization and physical transformation. At times it was difficult, but many people went out of their way to tell us how much they admired Nicole's bravery and honesty. Now, despite my fears, she is happy and successful. Most importantly, she is my daughter and she is still my best friend."

For the complete story go here!