Never Going Back

Archive image. Liz on left.

Once I started down the road to living my dream as a transgender woman, I found I could never go back.

I am sure it all started the first time I viewed myself in my Mom's clothes and makeup in the mirror so many years ago. All I knew was something clicked inside me and I enjoyed the process immensely and couldn't wait to do it again. Going back to my male self became increasingly difficult. 

It stayed a problem the older I became as I began to be better with the makeup and fashion choices I could find. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I was young to get rid of the hated hair which came along with my unwanted puberty into a testosterone poisoned body. Still I persisted living a secret yet powerful life in the mirror as a girl. Through my often clownish makeup, I could still see my authentic feminine self peeking at me and I loved her. 

Over the years, practice made perfect and in many ways I was able to cover up my male body and present well enough as a woman to try out the world. Even though I took many bumps and bruises along the way, I persisted and small victories helped me to want to never return to the male life I never really wanted. Every now and then I was able to be successful in the world as a novice cross dresser. Still not understanding I was so much more than wanting to just look like a woman. I wanted to be a woman. Cross dressing was a welcome bridge to getting me to the big picture of my life, my desire to be a trans woman. Once I came to the point of wondering just where I fit in with my big picture in life, then I needed to see if I could make all the needed sacrifices to get there. All of my "secret" adventures as a transgender woman could cost me all I had worked so hard on in my male life. If discovered, I could lose my marriage, family, friends and jobs. As you can tell, a lot to be considered.  

During that time, destiny kept setting in and deep down kept telling me I could achieve my ultimate gender dream. Every blind corner I turned and every step I climbed on my path was showing me the way as I carved out a new life as a transgender woman. All of a sudden, my doubts started to disappear I was succeeding more and more when I sought to flip my male life to female. I even began to go to the same venues I went to as a guy with little to no problems. When I did, deep down I was terrified of losing my life as I knew it but on the other hand, I knew I was never going back. There was no way.

By the time I decided I was never going back, my decision was made so much easier by several things. Including unconditional acceptance by my daughter, the very few friends I had passing away and not having a job to worry about (since I was able to retire) made my decision so much easier. Even my very stubborn old male self could see no future and he faded away as I took the final steps to completing my gender transition. I even was able to solve my marital situation the hard way when my un-approving second wife passed away and I unexpectedly became involved with a very supportive third wife who loves me for who I am. 

I believe pushing forward and never quitting was something I learned from my parents. I am sure they would have never envisioned their teachings turning out this way with me.

Procrastination

From the archives.
JJ Hart

I am well versed in most areas of procrastination. 

After all, I have spent most of my long life procrastinating as a transgender woman. Recently, I received the inevitable question of why I waited so long in my life to finally tackle my gender issues and transition. Even my daughter who has displayed the ultimate in acceptance in my transition over the years (and has a transgender child) shyly questioned me one day about if I had always known I was trans. With very little thought, I answered I had always known but I did not tell her how long I procrastinated doing anything about it.

One of my excuses has been times change over the years and the late fifties and early to mid sixties were dark times for anyone with gender issues. In fact, I remember the stories I saw about the police rounding up any transvestite or gay men in paddy wagons and taken to jail in the pre-Stonewall revolutions in New York City. So, when I included a very non accepting family life, the period of time was not a good time for me to outwardly explore any gender issues. 

Another excuse I had for procrastinating my coming out and living as my authentic self for so long was I lived in the pre-internet dark ages. In fact, my wife Liz and I went shopping for a new computer for her. Long story short, I was intimidated and totally lost in the whole process, I faded into the background. Liz needed a specific type of computer for her art business and had researched the whole computer situation. The only thing I could do was later on compare her research to mine when it came to me even considering I was transgender. Plus I was pleased when the clerk, checking Liz out referred to me as "she".

As times changed and more and more information concerning gender issues became available, I changed too. But not to the point I was ready to accept the fact I wanted to do more than just look like a woman, a part of me was screaming I was a woman. Now I know some would argue there is no way I will ever be a woman and I argue back my mind tells me I am even though in between my legs tells me I am not. Even though I could not experience periods or being pregnant, I went through so many things cis woman could never conceive of doing. Even so, I still went against my inner feelings and procrastinated again and again that I was indeed transgender. 

Deep down, I knew the truth but kept putting off the fact I was trans and letting the pressure build on myself. Finally when I went out into the world, I knew I wasn't trying to fool anyone. I was just being myself. When I couldn't lie to myself any longer, on a magical evening I will never forget I faced an internal mirror and decided who was looking back at me. No longer was I am a victim of the world and I was done procrastinating. From that point forward, I decided to go all the way and move forward to explore my full potential as a transgender woman. Major moves were ahead and exciting yet terrifying such as the major impact of adding gender affirming hormones to my system. 

It wasn't until I was truthful to myself and decided to follow a feminine path which I should have followed years ago did I become happier than I ever thought possible. My mental health improved and I got off almost all of the alcohol I was so fond of. Procrastination was behind me and just do it became my theme. 

The Ultimate Gender Grab

Image from the author, 
JJ Hart.

In many ways, this is an extension of yesterday's post which partially examined my transition from my male self into a feminine world. 

Along the way, there needed to be an ultimate gender grab to be successful. Very early on, the desire to view my image in the mirror was the fun part. I struggled to dream high and stay grounded with my gender desires which always threatened to change my life for the worse if anyone discovered my secret life in dresses and hose. I found I needed to reach out quickly and grab on any small amount of unattended time to cross dress away from my male self into my authentic transgender self. 

Sadly, my male self and society kept trying to grab my gender reality away from me. Some of it was my fault early on with how I presented myself in public. I found any edge I gave the public to "discover" me often led to a bad reaction. Serious side effects included my fragile novice transgender confidence being shattered. When it all happened, it took me weeks or even months to try again to grab my true gender back from the world. 

At that point, all the pushing and grabbing became almost too much to bear and I resorted to therapy to shore up my frail mental health. Plus, I fell back on a high level of alcohol abuse. When I went out to venues to see if I could make it as a woman, invariably I appreciated the false sense of bravery the alcohol gave me. The only positive came when I discovered other women friends in the venues I went to and they helped me to make a giant feminine gender grab which helped me towards my dream. All of a sudden, actually living as a transgender woman became a reality. The need for alcohol faded away.

The grab became so close, my male self panicked and did his best to hang on to all the work he had put into my old life. My feminine self came to the rescue and grabbed back her share of my life and ultimately won the war, even though she had lost all those battles over the years. Amazingly, all the battle scars she had sustained were easy to heal. She was saying, she had been there and done it as a subservient second fiddle to my male self and had enough of the lies. She thrived under the new life she had inherited and grabbed back all of the gender privileges she had only dreamed of. Better yet, she didn't care what the public thought of her and her confidence soared. 

It's no secret to anyone how the final gender grab would end up with me. My trans woman over achieved to an extent I never thought possible. When I was able to set back and trust her to run the show, the future was secure.   

 

Gender Black-Mail

Image from JJ Hart, Ohio River
in background.

 Even though I have been living as a transgender woman for over a decade of my life now, my male past still comes back to haunt me. 

I suppose I am expecting too much from my gender transition since I spent such a long period of my life trying desperately to fit in with a male world I did not really want any part of. Recently, sadly an acquaintance of mine who was a fellow DJ on a local radio station passed from cancer. When I learned, memories flowed in including good ones and those not so good. One of the more interesting memories I have was of the time his wife (also deceased) told me about a new DJ at the station I used to work at who actually was starting her gender transition. I was surprised she had a fairly positive reaction to the gender issues so long ago. Way before the term transgender was popularized. Why I am mentioning it at all is it always amazes me what I remember or don't remember from my male past.

As I moved closer and closer to crossing the gender border, it seemed my old male self had an unfair advantage over me because he always mentally pointed out the good times there were when I was a guy. It was similar to gender black-mail. He would always say what about all the good times I had with guy friends when we were out partying. Essentially, overuse of alcohol allowed me to forget about my gender dysphoria for awhile and I could have a good time for the wrong reasons.

In addition, it was so so easy to fall back into my old male patterns and enjoy all the privileges I had earned from surviving as a man. When I transitioned into a feminine world, losing those privileges made a significant impact in my life. It seemed at the time, when I encountered most men, single or in a group, they held it against me that I had left the male club for greener gender pastures. Their way of black-mailing me was to shun me from any or all contact. At that point, their resistance just showed me I was on the correct gender path and I was more and more encouraged to try to advance to my dream.

Another facet I mention often is how my second wife and my male self enjoyed ganging up on my novice transgender self. My wife in very begrudgingly situations would let me go out with her as my authentic self. Predictably, she didn't like me no matter what I did and when she was mad at me would say I didn't know anything about being a woman. I equate it to applying for a job you have no experience in and the company won't hire you because you have no experience but won't allow you to gain any. I was learning the hard way, she would not help me to go behind the gender curtain to women only spaces. It would take me years to earn the respect or right of other women to play in their sandbox. Even if I was getting sand thrown in my face. 

It was obvious at the time, I was experiencing gender black- mail from many women also. I was too much of a woman to be accepted by men anymore and still too much of a man to be accepted by many women. Eventually, I solved the problem by keeping pushing forward towards my feminine dreams. It was very difficult to stay laser focused on my goal when I was still trying to maintain a life in both of the binary genders. So before I totally destroyed myself, one had to go. At the time, I compared where I was at to standing at the precipice of a very steep cliff and fearfully looking over the side. When I could not take it any longer, I took a long time to consider my gender options and came to one conclusion. I had always been living a lie as a man and no matter how much black-mail I had to put up with, I knew which path to take and I jumped. 

The path took me to gender affirming hormones and I never looked back. I knew I had made the right choice when I felt so natural and satisfied with my life. It turned out the only real black-mailer in my life was myself.

 

Tears of Joy

Image by Anthony Tran'
on UnSplash.

Until I began gender affirming hormones  in my life I never cried as a man. 

Even more foreign to me was the concept I could actually cry three different ways. Of course I cried out of sadness but did not expect the tears I shed when I was emotional and even more so, the most unexpected tears I shed when I was happy. 

It took the layers of change  which began with the HRT femininizing hormones I was taking to enable me to, for the first time cry at all. It happened as I waited for a light summer time thunderstorm to roll in as I sat and waited on my side porch. When I sensed the first soft rolls of thunder, very unexpectedly I began to cry. At first, I tried to hold my emotions in as I was taught to do as a man. Then I realized I did not have to follow those old gender restrictive footsteps any longer and let the tears flow. Even though I did not cry for long, it seemed I cried forever to makeup for all the years of gender repression I had put myself through. 

Little did I know, my experience with tears was just beginning. The more the hormonal changes increased, the less control I had over my emotions. The total range of new feelings I was experiencing was amazing and I found crying out of joy was the most amazing experience I could have. I was even crying when my favorite athletes excelled on television. And had to put up with the good natured barbs of my wife Liz, who seemingly knew I was crying tears of joy before I did. Of course, she had such a long head start on me in the feminine hormone department being born female, she knew what was coming. The standing joke in our house is when did I change my Estradiol patches when I begin to cry.

How different my life would have been if I could have shown any emotions when I was a man. I was even stoic and tear free when my parents passed away. When my wife passed so suddenly, I did not have the chance to grieve or shed a tear with her either and the only time I have cried is recently when she came to me in a dream.

Through it all, the HRT hormones along with being able to express my emotions just re-enforced my opinion women lead a much more layered experience than men. Being able to cry over sadness, joy or even anger led me to believe I was on the right track in life as I sought out the way to living as my authentic transgender self. I sought out the way to be more of a woman and I found it in so many ways. Then again, I was fortunate in that I was healthy enough to be approved to begin the hormonal therapy at all when others aren't. 

Shedding tears of joy was just a portion of the emotional release I felt when I transitioned. Outside of other changes such as resetting my body's thermostat and refining my sense of smell, most of the other dramatic changes were external in nature. 

Sadly, I had no one to talk about many of my changes with as my women friends were fond of telling me welcome to their world when I brought up my feelings and I was discouraged about talking at all of my previous life.  It was not till my wife Liz came along did I finally feel secure enough to express my total feelings. It was still difficult shedding all those years of male life to finally allow me to share my true transgender self to the world. Tears and all.    

 

Just be Yourself

 

Image from Cory
on UnSplash

When you are a transgender woman or trans man, finding yourself can be a daunting task. 

Are you a boy or a girl is bad enough when you have to think about it but is even worse when you need to live your gender desires. Just being yourself becomes extra difficult when you are applying it to real life when you leave the mirror and take on the world. We all know that sometimes the world can be a very unforgiving place. Human beings are sharks and will sniff out the slightest hint of blood in the water. A bad place to be in when you are a novice transgender woman or cross dresser who is trying to make it as your authentic self and you are very insecure. 

At this point, many trans folk resort to fairly drastic measures to attempt to present well as the gender they are attempting to be. Fashion mistakes are made, just to name a few potential problems faced. It is difficult with no previous training or input from peers to catch up with the world and not appear as a clown. I do not want to remember how many thrift store items I returned because they did not fit me or flatter my male body style. For the longest time, I did not think I was ever going to find appropriate clothes I could be myself in. Not to mention the hair and makeup I was struggling with. Somehow I managed to fight through my inner gender biases and come up with fashion choices which the public could life with. When I did, I started to explore different venues such as community festivals and outdoor concerts to see if I could be myself.

Even though I was successful, I still fought internally my desire to be feminine. It took me decades to understand I was a woman cross dressing as a man and not the opposite which caused me such inner turmoil. 

Another problem I had when I was transitioning genders was staying in the present. When I was out and about as a novice femininized person, I was so busy being worried about every little thing, I could not enjoy being me. It took me years to actually accept the gender euphoria I felt when I had succeeded in presenting as an attractive woman in public. To battle my instincts, I did events which were more lengthy so I needed to live in the present longer. An example was the Joe Cocker outdoor concert I took myself to, just to see if I could and the NFL Monday night football game a lesbian friend took me to. There were no easy escapes to these events so I had to put my fear aside and try to be myself.

I am not a quick learner and my male self battled me for control of my life for a half a century before I finally gave in to my gender truth. When I did, my inner woman took charge for good and I was finally able to be myself. I could live in the present and not wait for the next time I could run and put on my feminine clothes and feel good about myself. I was wearing the clothes all the time and if or when I felt my old gender dysphoria creep in, I could solve the issue before it became too major.

It is easy to say all of us deserve the chance to be ourselves but it is extra important for a transgender person. Because, first we need to discover who our true inner person really is. Once you do, just being yourself is a much reachable goal to have.

Gender Anxieties or Paradise

Image from Cacique 
Nacimento on'
UnSplash

During my gender transition, all the way to today, I have experienced my share of anxieties.

Early examples revolved basically around the way I looked when I was cross dressed in my very limited feminine wardrobe. I kept telling myself I was OK when I with my cross dressing and I was for a couple of days before my gender anxiety returned. Making me difficult to live with. Paradise was fleeting and hard to find. 

Much later on in life, when I began to try out the public's perception of me, the whole process was anxiety ridden. When I used to shop till I dropped in clothing stores, my feminine life was easy because everyone was just interested in selling me something. Or I was in thrift stores where the clerks barely looked at me at all. Maybe because they were used to waiting on cross dressers? Very soon I came away with feeling no anxiety at all when I shopped so I felt I needed to challenge myself further. I needed to see if it would ever be possible to live my dream of being a full-time transgender woman. It was close to this time also when I began to seriously challenge the world as a woman at various Halloween parties I went to. Most of them happened when I was married to my first wife who knew I was a crossdresser  when I married her, so there were no surprises when she saw the "costume" I settled on. 

Even at Halloween, I experienced growth with my gender issues. When I dressed trashy, early on, I was treated the same way but when I decided to see if I could present as a business woman at the party, I was treated with more respect and even surprise at my true gender. Little did I know at the time when I dressed as a woman, I was presenting as my true gender. Very quickly I learned, Halloween was never enough and I needed to express my authentic self as a woman more than once a year. When I did, I began to do more of the household grocery shopping as a novice transgender woman as well as haunting the antique malls and bookstores for the perfect gift for my wife. Anything to take me out of my male comfort zone. When I was successful I was in paradise and when I failed, of course the opposite occurred and  I was sent back to my gender drawing board to re-think my plans. Could I ever make it to my dream the way I was heading. 

Spoiler alert, I could and did make it. Somehow and through the help of therapy I was able to work my way through a large amount of my gender anxiety. My therapist helped me to realize there was absolutely nothing wrong with my transgender desires. Which was as close as she could come to telling me I should proceed with my dreams. Paradise was reachable if I wanted to pursue it farther and I had already accomplished most of the hard work. I had established myself a foothold in the world as a transgender woman and it felt so good and natural, so what was I waiting for.

The answer to what was I waiting for was the outside chance my male self would finally get on board with my decision. He didn't and hung on to the bitter end. In fact he tried to ruin my transition all the way to when I was medically approved to begin gender affirming hormones or HRT. What happened was, the HRT changes were so dramatic, even my male self needed to finally give up and go away. He finally did, leaving most all of my gender anxiety behind and replacing it with a lifetime of feeling freedom such as I had never felt before. 

I had paid my dues and it was time to move on.

Mental versus Physical

Archive Image
Ohio River in
background.

Is presenting as a woman when you are born male more of a mental or a physical effort?

I think, in my case, I started out with a more physical experience and then moved on to a more mental one. Possibly, it is because it took me so long to grasp the idea I was more of a transgender person in the making and not a cross dresser. I have nothing against cross dressing but it just was not for me. I wanted to go past just looking feminine to being feminine. Sadly, because of the lack of information and other excuses, it took me decades to understand myself. During those times I tried anything I could to resolve my gender pain I was feeling. 

What I did not understand was the amount of pain I was feeling was due to the transition from being a physical appearing woman to a mental operating one. Walking the walk and talking the talk with the public as a novice transgender woman certainly took a toll on me mentally. Finally I was coming closer and closer to solving all the public gender issues I was feeling. Walking and moving as a woman started to feel more natural but communicating with the world as a trans woman was much more problematic. I was very self conscious about the tone of my voice among other things. 

Another concept I did not consider was for the longest time I tried to fool the public into thinking I was a cis-woman. Instead of just resulting to being my natural feminine self. When the public interacted with the real physical person who was me, women in particular were intrigued with me and wanted to know what I was doing in their world. When they learned, I was not up to no good, the response was for  the most part positive. At that point, the mental aspect had to kick in with being transgender. I needed to work on what I was going to do with my old unwanted male self and decide what sort of a life I was going to build for an exciting future.

How I appeared to the world as my physical feminine self was still important and I am not saying it still is not. It just that is much of my appearance became easier to approach because I was all of a sudden I was just dressing to blend in with the rest of the feminine population. An example was this morning when I did not have to put on a fresh face of makeup and a dress to make the short trip to the street curb to pick up the trash cans and bring them back to the house. I could do what the neighbor lady does and just pull her hair back, throw on a pair of jeans and get the cans. This is an extreme example I know but a realistic one when the mental part of being transgender meets the physical part. 

When the two aspects did come together, my life improved dramatically also. There was less stress on my mental health primarily when my feminine inner self took over. It was as if she was saying what took so long. The main reason I took so long to transition was I ran from the gender truth I was feeling for all those years. I should have realized I was born to be a girl/woman long before I did. I did not and paid the price.

I also do not feel good about convincing people like my first two wives to come along through my turmoil. I convinced them I was just a casual cross dresser at the beginning and I was trying not to go further into a transgender world. It was unfair to all of us, Since  I was the driving force in both relationships, it was up to me to do better. Instead, I decided to take the lonely gender path for most of my life. Until I could put the mental and physical aspects of being a transgender woman together and discovered I could settle in and live a good life.      

The Glare

 

Image from Derek Story
on UnSplash

Last night for the first time in a very long time, I encountered the "Glare."

My wife Liz and I stopped at a fast food place to pick up hamburger sliders to take to her son's apartment for supper. As it turned out, the place was very busy and we needed to wait. Since the majority of the restaurant's business comes from the drive thru and we were ordering a large amount of food, we decided to go inside and order so we wouldn't hold up the drive thru line.

We soon found out coming inside didn't help us get our food any faster and we waited, waited and waited. Since my career was in the restaurant business and partially in fast food, I could see the crew was not loafing and trying their best to turn the orders out. So while the manager was being abused by others who called ahead, we waited patiently. 

While we waited, we did fill up our drink glasses from the self serve soft drink machine. Maybe I should have mentioned, I did not dress up at all for the occasion. wearing only leggings and a t-shirt with my hair pulled back and no makeup. So my expectations were low I would happen upon no one who would matter to me and I did not think I would be out of the car for any length of time anyhow. All was good until I turned around from the drink machine was confronted head on by the "Glare." All I saw across the mainly deserted dining room was this woman glaring at me. I met her glare and stared right back until she looked away. She never looked back, so I guess I won the battle of her wondering who I was at all. 

Then I began to think maybe her life was miserable to start with and here she was spending date night with her husband at a slider palace. Perhaps she was giving me that look because we were blocking her access to the drink machine. Whatever the case, we went on our separate ways. As I said, I hoped her evening would improve her disposition. However I knew the area of the county we were in and there are many many right winged rednecks, so I am always on my best behavior.

The sliders went to a good home at Liz's son's house and we watched a movie .

In other more positive news, I am awaiting news on my upcoming interview with a monthly state wide LGBTQ Ohio publication. It was set up by the Alzheimer's Association after they learned of my passion for quality elderly care especially when it comes to transgender patients. The interview went so well, the interviewer wanted to possibly interview my daughter also concerning her experiences with a transgender child. Since she is very private, I doubt if she follows through but we will see.

I also learned the date of the first LGBTQ support group meeting, it is August sixteenth and will be interesting how well attended it is. Sadly, previous meetings have been dominated by less than quiet transgender individuals. More than a few of them seemed to have mental issues which chased away some of the other gay or lesbian attendees. I am far from a trans elitist but I know when enough is enough when it comes to pointless conversation.  Or, at the least, the meetings exposed the differences in the so called close LGBTQ community when in fact we have little in common. You may ask why do I go?  I go to the support group meetings mainly out of curiosity to see if anything has changed, so again we shall see. Hope springs eternal. 

In the meantime, back to reality. Maybe someday my hope will spring eternal and I can go out into the public's eye without being but it is like my ex-sister in law who refused to leave the house without makeup. I should have learned from her and perhaps I wouldn't have to face the "Glare."

Legacy?

Messy Office, Messy Mind?

As I see it, leaving a legacy is mostly a male topic.

Little did I know, being a transgender woman was probably the only legacy I could leave with my only child (daughter) and my three grand-kids. As it turned out, I did not have much else to offer. Especially not the usual male attributes such as wealth, possessions etc. A prime example was my Dad who was a self made man. Building his own house and rising to the position of bank president, mainly with just a high school education. 

Along the way, I was surprised to learn one of my grand-kids is transgender, so all of a sudden I became a role model. A role I never thought I would have during all the years of struggle I went through as I transitioned from my old unwanted male life. It turned out in many ways, I proved to my grand-kids anything was possible if they wanted it bad enough. And I was fortunate in that my daughter accepted me the way she did and wanted to share my new self with the kids. So I could not run away and hide. 

I was so successful, I made it to heights I never asked for or ever thought I could achieve. Without a doubt the biggest one when two years ago I received my first Mother's Day card and gift. The card brought me to tears because it was something I never asked for. It meant to me I made it to the pinnacle of my gender transgender transition. 

Adding to my legacy is a year long project my daughter gifted me this Mother's Day from a company who takes questions about me from the family for the duration and then combines them all into a book. When it is completed, I will have had the chance to write about myself and maybe equally as important, is the fact the kids will have the chance to learn about their great grandparents who they did not know anything about. It is important for me to be some sort of a bridge from the "Greatest Generation" my parents were part of to the kids of today. The entire gift is quite the chance to explain my legacy to my daughter and grand-kids. Since I have a degree in history from college, the entire process is important to me.

Legacy was something I had given up on when I left my male life behind. I thought no one would care. When it turned out they did, I was impressed and needed to change my attitude completely. In a way, all of a sudden having family care about my life made me proud of my gender accomplishments.  I indeed would have a legacy as a transgender woman past just someone who changed their name in the family bibles. 

Years ago, a friend of mine did a deep dive family tree research on my families, mother and father and found we had a revolutionary war relative. Perhaps now in the future, after I am gone, some other person with gender issues will read my story and understand they are not the first, not alone and can be successful living the life they want to live. 

  

Transgender Confidence

From the Archives, banquet image.
My wife Liz on left.

One of the most important accessories we can chase as a transgender woman or trans man is confidence. Especially when success is never guaranteed. 

Finding confidence is often very difficult when you are crossing the gender border. You can succeed in the public's eye for awhile, only to crash and burn in a moment of weakness.  It turned out there were so many points to consider when you are transitioning. It's always one thing to appear as a woman and another to walk and talk as one. If you are familiar with the term "muscle memory", very simply means keep doing something until you get it right and it describes perfectly the process of entering the sacred spaces of a gender you only dreamed of. In my case, there were plenty of girl's nights out and rest room visits to provide me the confidence to keep moving forward and challenging myself. Another problem of sorts I had was experiencing too much gender euphoria. Many times, I forgot where I was and resorted back to my old male self without thinking of it. 

When I did fall back into my old male ways, I often thought the whole gender transition process I was in was never going to make it. Had I spent too many years working hard to make it in a male world to ever change. Another problem I had was I was still living part time as a man so everytime I had mastered any aspect of being feminine, I lost most of it when I went back to being a man. It was similar to a child in school who forgets most anything they learned during a summer break. It was very frustrating for me to keep starting from the beginning again and again which was shattering my confidence.

Finally I tipped the balance in my gender world where I was living more feminine than masculine. I could make real progress in what I really wanted to do which was follow my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman.  Most importantly, I was feeling natural when I did it and the increased confidence followed. When I was invited into the so-called sacred women only spaces, I discovered why they were or weren't sacred at all. First of all, I knew women didn't always keep their restroom as pristine as men thought they did from all my years running restaurants/bars but, on the other hand was totally unprepared to have to look other women in the eye and speak when I was in the women's room. For the most part I was very successful except for the notable occasion when I had the police called on me. Naturally, my confidence was shattered for quite a while after that. On the other hand, there was no way I was going to go back to using the men's room when I was dressed as my authentic self.

When someone asks me how I developed the confidence to progress in my gender transition, the easiest thing I can say is, I had a single minded desire to keep trying until I made it. Sure the gender affirming hormones helped but I needed to go through therapy to earn them from the Veteran's Administration health care system. Which proved to be a positive experience for me. As I pointed out in yesterday's post, I kept working towards my dream until destiny showed me the way to success. Plus, I can never forget to point out, I had a small group of women around me who showed me the way. Even to the point of believing in me when I was faltering. They refused to believe I ever was the old male person I was desperately trying to leave behind. I guess you could say I had a tremendous peer group. 

It always took quite the effort to put him behind me and tears were shed along the way. To be on this journey you sometimes have to be selfish and one sided to make it but that is just the nature of the beast. When you do arrive, sometimes you are fortunate enough to forget the selfish days and pay your life's knowledge forward. 

It takes all the confidence you can muster to correct a gender situation you never asked for into a positive. With a little, or lot of willpower you can make it to your dream.   

Major Gender Differences

 

Image from Jamie'
on UnSplash

From the outside looking in, many see transgender women and trans men merely as people who have decided to dress different.

As I was applying my estradiol patches this morning, I thought how different the entire process is when you decide to come out into the world as your authentic self, be it as a woman or a man. It is the same process as when you transition from being a cross dresser to being a full fledged transgender person. For me, finding my gender destination was a long term process. I write often concerning the years of transforming myself into the feminine person I always knew I should have been my entire life. 

What I did not understand for the longest time, I was joining a whole new culture when I transitioned. No longer could I bluster my way through a world filled with white male privilege. I needed to strike out on my own to find out what living in a woman's world was all about. I learned quickly, I knew very little about it and what I did know was usually wrong. I kept feeling stuck until I could work it all out. Was I even doing the right thing trying to cross the gender border. Plus, what was I going to do about those who did not want me crossing the border at all. Fortunately, I learned fairly quickly most of the world did not care what I wanted to do one way or another and most of the public I was interacting with were in a financial situation when I essentially was paying their salary. Either from a commission at a clothing store or from a tip in a food or bar venue. Either way, being friendly worked wonders in my transition. 

Very quickly, people began to see me as a new person. A person I wanted them to see which caused me to add major differences of changes to my life. A prime example was how was I going to suddenly attempt to talk to the world as a transgender woman. The whole communication process was similar to starting all over again when I first explored the world. At first I was petrified to talk at all until I tried to mimic the women around me. The problem was if I didn't talk, I was coming off as mean or stand-offish.  I needed to solve the problem and solve it fast if I was going to survive in the world as a transgender woman. I needed the voice to match my appearance the best I could. It was a major gender difference I always put off pursuing because I was so obsessed with my appearance. One of my favorite accessories was my sunglasses which helped me watch the public's perception of me without them seeing mine. I could better judge if my appearance was making the grade. Which I hoped was a passing score. 

Naturally, the more progress I was able to attain in the world as a trans woman, the more confidence I had to try more living. Again and again, outside of a few ill advised trips to red-neck venues, I was able to stay out of the gay bars and make my way through the world. I had fun in the lesbian and sports bars I was accepted in and was learning more and more about myself. To be sure, seeking a place in the world of women was never easy and I needed to earn it. I worked long and hard to learn from my mistakes in public and go back to the drawing board when I needed to. Finally, I reached a point where I could put the drawing board away and make it on my own.

Validation as my new feminine self then became a priority if I was going to keep living as a transgender woman. I attribute my lesbian friends with giving me the guidance I needed to succeed, They showed I did not need a man to validate me and my sexuality did not have to change to live as I was. All important lessons I needed to learn if I valued my independence in a new world. 

Learning gender differences meant so much more than looks was very inciteful to me.  All the catch phrases such as walking the walk and muscle memory come to mind when it came to my transition. I had such a long way to go to separate myself from a very convincing male life, there were many times I did not see how I could make it,

To do it, I needed to attempt to study all things feminine until I got it right and when I did keep doing it until practice made perfect. Then and only then was I able to move forward on my very long gender path.

Saving my Life

Image from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

I write often concerning my struggles with my frail mental health. Mainly because I want to help others. 

Much of my mental health battle was because of my struggle with gender dysphoria. After meeting in person with other transgender women and men, I have come to the conclusion dysphoria is on a spectrum. Similar to so many other human issues it can vary from person to person. Years ago, I was shocked at one of the transgender - cross dresser support meetings I attended back then and got into a discussion about gender dysphoria with the group's moderator about how she had never experienced any dysphoria at all. At first I wondered if we were speaking the same language and did she know what I was talking about at all .I never had the chance to find out because the meeting moved on.

Through it all, I knew I had suffered on the severe end of the dysphoria spectrum for as long as I could remember. The only way I could relieve the stress was to cross dress in my limited feminine makeup and wardrobe. The entire process turned to be a terrible problem because I would feel good for a couple of days after I cross dressed then crashed and burned into depression and worse yet, being mean to those around me. 

Finally, therapy entered my life and I learned several truths very quickly. The first of which was my first two therapists had little to no idea of what I was talking about when I brought up being a transvestite, as we were known back in those days. The second thing I learned was my first two therapists totally missed any idea of diagnosing me as being Bi-Polar. It took me going to a real live gender therapist to learn my bad highs and lows had little or nothing with my gender issues. They were totally separate and somehow, someway I would need to find away to deal with them on my own. Then when I was lucky enough to be assigned to a very good LGBTQ trained Veterans Association therapist for over ten years, she helped me to relieve any shame I still felt about wanting to be female. Which was huge.

Good therapy meant better mental health when I learned to actually listen and believe in what my therapist was telling me. In the past, I was too stubborn to do so and kept my feminine self firmly in the mirror, until I could not take it any longer. I simply had to try my best to enter the world as a novice transgender woman and see how I felt. Long story short, I felt great, natural and so excited to try out the world. 

The whole process, saved my life. My mental health stabilized to a point I did not need therapy anymore. Mainly because I became a believer in my dominant female self who was hidden away for far too long. There was no one to tell me I was a woman trying desperately to get by cross dressing in a male world. It would have been interesting to see if I had would have listened if they had. I was always very stubborn which helped me when I was being rejected as a novice transgender woman. Or when I was down, I just kept moving. On the other hand my stubborn attitude caused me to hang on to my male life way too long. 

One thing was for sure, conquering the severe part of my gender dysphoria did save my life. I am down now to fighting my mirror when I get up in the morning, which I can handle I stay grounded in the fact I am not as ugly as the man I used to be and not the prettiest woman in the room. I am just me and that will have to do.

Damn it is Complicated

 

Image from Amanda Dalbjorn
on UnSplash

Crossing the gender border is never easy for the average human being. 

To begin with, you need to be very serious concerning your gender passion. You need to trust your instincts, close your eyes and leap. I took over fifty years before I could come to the point of being able to trust myself. After all, I had spent all of the time as a very serious cross dresser exploring the world to see if I could survive as a transgender woman. Some times I was good about making plans, sometimes I was not. As I took the good with the bad. Ultimately, taking the good with the bad, just walking a path I knew very little about. 

As I walked my new path, there were several points of reference along the way. Such as the mixers I was attending in nearby Columbus, Ohio. Many were big and more than a couple were very small and intimate. Regardless I learned from both and how internally complicated they were. All layers under the so called transgender umbrella attended one or the other. Everyone from seasoned transsexuals to very novice cross dressers often out for the first time in their lives away from the mirror. Through it all, I was trying just to find my way to discovering who I really was. All I did finally learn was I did not fit the mold of a stereotypical transsexual or a weekend cross dresser. I was somewhere in between. I found I was not everyone's cup of tea, I enjoyed being my own. 

Examples were everywhere, including the guys who cross dressed for certain mixers but not for others all the way to the impossibly feminine transgender women who made their appearance. I was drawn to the feminized crowd but often I was left out because of my looks. I had a long way to go with my appearance but I was trying hard. With the help of a professional makeup artist provided by the group one night, I learned the intricacies of applying makeup and could really help me because he explained everything to me. Thanks to his magic, I was able to move up in the eyes of the transgender or transsexual crowd. Even still, mainly because they shunned most of the rest of the average cross dressers, I stayed to myself. Except when the trans women went out to other gay venues after the regular mixers were over. When I did so, I was exposed to a whole new world of exposure in the world in my own transgender universe. 

As I did, my life became increasingly complicated. I needed to overcome inner clashes with my genders as well as trying to deal with the problems of dealing with my second wife who was against any idea I was transgender. The major problem, every bit of my self was telling me being feminine was the only way I could survive. All of my turmoil just led to more stress to my already fragile mental health. I ended up in therapy again, which did some good but were for the most part wasted because I refused to face the truth about myself. My authentic self was feminine and I needed to express it. The only thing therapy did was make my wife think somehow it was going to magically "cure" me or at the least, I was trying to help the situation. Which at the time was growing into a major problem between us.

When I first looked into the mirror as a kid so many years ago, little did I know how complicated my life would become as I grew into my gender issues. My gender path was so convoluted as I followed it, I often became lost. The only aspect which kept me going was the deep down knowledge I had been born to be a girl. Dealing with it was always the issue.

It's All in the Eyes

Sad Eyes
Image from
the Archives.

Over the years, my eyes have helped me out in many ways.

Of course there is the obvious reason such as the blessing of eyesight but then, life steps in- very importantly for a cross dresser or transgender woman trying her best to improve her makeup art. For me at least, the hardest part of conquering the mystery of makeup  involved making up my eyes. At the time, I equated it with applying paint to the plastic model  cars I was fond of building because I struggled with both. Ironically, at the age I was at, I am fairly sure my Mom would have did her best to forbid any use of makeup at all by the daughter she never knew she had. 

Still I persisted and grew more proficient with buying then applying my eye makeup, The availability of all the colors fascinated me. Along with the chance to match colors up with my limited fashion choices I was capable of finding. It was close as I could come to all the girls around me who I admired so much. 

Fast forwarding many years, my eyes continued to be a focal point in my makeup art. I had learned along the way women communicate through the eyes in many ways. Much more than men who rely on vocal cues. I knew as I transitioned into transgender woman, I was on the right path with my makeup techniques. All the years I put into my art was worth it.

Perhaps the most rewarding feedback I received from my eyes came from my wife Liz. For all the wrong reasons. We met on line when she responded to a post I listed as woman seeking woman. Keep in mind I immediately pointed out I was a transgender woman. Thankfully, none of my gender issue mattered to Liz and she said she was attracted to me because I had sad eyes. If the truth be known, during that part of my life, I did have sad eyes. Over the past two or three years before the picture, I had just gone through very dark portions of my life. Primarily due to death of my second wife and four of my closest friends, mainly to cancer. Along with the loss of my business, I had lost nearly all the self confidence I had ever had in myself. In fact, the only concrete thing I had to grasp onto was my identity as a trans woman. 

Regardless of my sad eyes, my girl self became my deepest passion. In many ways, just to get by, I needed to become a deeper researcher of women. Instead of becoming my father's son which I had chased for many years, I became my mother's daughter she never wanted, to my knowledge. The gender guilt I felt was only grief with no where to go. 

Led by my eyes when I communicated with other women, I found my way out of the darkness of life I was in and regained my confidence. Even though it was a different confidence than I had ever felt before. My confidence as a transgender woman was a hard earned quality which went all the way back to the days when I was struggling with makeup and shaving my legs when I was a kid. Living and learning was always an exciting experience. Even in the days when I was a dismal failure in the world. Somehow, deep down, I knew I was doing the right thing by pursuing a life as a trans woman. 

It was always in the eyes, I just had to learn how to use mine. They were such an important part of my life when it came to communicating with other women. Perhaps it is true when it is said your eyes are the window to the soul.

Bonding with Yourself

 

Club Diversity Image. Columbus, Ohio

As strange as it may seem, it took me many years for me to fully bond with myself as a transgender woman.

For years I wondered if I was a woman or a man. Everyday was like groundhog day when I woke up in the morning. Some mornings I felt more like a girl and others as a boy before the reality of my existence set in. No matter how gender fluid I felt that day, I needed to be ready to compete in my unwanted male world. I wish I could say the competition just made me stronger as a male but it never did. Most of the time, the competition just made me want to head home and cross dress as a girl. Plus, I was put into an even deeper frustration place when my brother was home and I didn't have any privacy to try on my feminine wardrobe. 

Bonding was difficult when I was not allowed into the feminine world at all and was destined not to until much later in life. In the meantime, I struggled from one gender struggle to another, All the time, hiding my authentic self from everyone in the world. I suffered so much, I needed all the help I could get to maintain my life as a man and still have any sense of stable mental health. Especially when I was diagnosed with having Bi-polar depression. If you are not familiar, I suffered from terrible highs and lows. When I was up I could do anything. Including transform myself into an attractive woman and when I was down, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep and try to drown out my gender issues with alcohol. Finally I was diagnosed by a therapist and was prescribed medications to help me out.

As we all know, the medication has not yet been invented to relieve the pain and tension of having gender dysphoria. Even now I suffer from dysphoria when I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror. After all these years, I have learned to take the good along with the bad and take the middle road. It has been a good coping mechanism for me. Along with those mechanisms, I learned other ways to structure my life so I could finally bond with my myself. When I did, I found I was a stronger human because I had the chance to experience life from both sides of the binary gender spectrum. Since it is the rare individual who can claim to be all male or all female in the gender spectrum, I was able to find my special place where I could exist in society. The question always was, was society ready for me or any other transgender woman or trans man.

I quickly discovered most of the world did not care if I was trans or not. They had lives to live and were busy doing it. On the rare occasions I did encounter a negative transphobe, my strong personal bonds gave me the confidence to survive. 

Again, bonding my unwanted male self with my stronger, more natural female self took me years to complete. Mainly because I did not have the courage to admit who I was to my true self. Once I did close the gap, my long awaited bond was complete and I could move on in life as a total person as a transgender woman but never forgetting the man who helped get me here. A topic for another blog post. 

Ditching Good with Better as a Trans Girl

 

Archive Image
from Witches Ball
Tom on Left.

Ditching good with better has always been a difficult obstacle in my life. 

I always blame my parents for my feelings on doing the best I could on anything I tried. Nothing I did was good enough. If I got B's they should have been A's was a prime example. Even though I was an above average student, I don't remember ever being told I was doing a good job. I think now, their influence carried on with me in every facet of my life, including when I was a novice cross dresser and budding transgender woman. 

It all started with my appearance as a girl. When I was younger and before I went through any testosterone poisoning at puberty, it was much easier to look like a girl. But just looking like a girl was never good enough, I wanted to be a girl and enjoy their life. Or at least as I perceived it to be. I guess my parents attitude was rubbing off on me. At the time, all I could really do to further my looks was to over achieve with my meager allowance and take on a rural newspaper route. Between the two, I could sneak out to the store and buy the occasional wardrobe item or makeup I could experiment with. I was doing my best to ditch my good with better as a trans girl during my early age. If I had given the same effort to everything else I tried during that time, at the least I could have received better grades and my parents would have been pleased. 

On the other hand, my parents in no way would have been pleased if they had known I had issues with my gender. I shudder to think what would have happen to me if they had discovered me dressed in my feminine wardrobe and makeup. At the least, I know I would have been sent to a therapist during a time when even being a cross dresser was considered a mental illness. I never wanted to even consider what the worst could be. Perhaps since we were not particularly religious, Christian conversion therapy would not have been in my future. The only thing I know for sure is, I would not have had any understanding at all. All along I did the best I could and was able to hide my cross dressing with the world. How I don't really know.

The older I became, good certainly did not become enough. A prime example would be the Halloween parties I went to when I was first testing the world  I started with just trying to be a sexy sleaze of a woman thinking I would receive some sort of a validation. Several parties later, I grew more bold and wanted to see if I could be mistaken for a real woman, so I wore my business attire and then waited for reactions. Overall I was received well with strangers who did not know me mistaking me for a woman who did not have a chance to dress up for the party. I was discovering better was always best when it came to how I presented as a transgender woman in the world, under the cover of Halloween or not. 

All of my experiences led me to establishing myself in a new feminine world. I needed to try very hard to do away with all my old values to do it. My whole world became a concentration of new friends and life. In my own way, I needed to be better than the world to succeed in chasing my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. Sure I needed to look the part but suddenly I needed to be the part which meant moving and communicating as a woman. 

Ditching good for better in my transgender world was one of the best moves I ever made. By the time I was medically cleared to begin taking gender affirming hormones or HRT, I was more than ready for the results. Almost instantly I knew I made the right decision.  Since my parents have long since passed away, there is no possible way for me to communicate to them they were right. For all the wrong reasons. Their resistance  to giving me any positive feedback early in life made it easier for me to find my own path in the world as a trans woman. A place where good was never enough for me.  

Gender Expectations

Image from the JJ Hart
Archives

As I progressed through my gender transformation, I had so many expectations.

All I really wanted to be when I grew up was a woman but I had no idea of how I was going to achieve my dream. Unlike most of the major professions available to me, there were no schools I could apply to to be femininized. I just wanted to find my passion and follow it. 

To do it, I finally had to be free of the mirror and join the world. Even when I discovered that, I had to often snatch defeat away from the jaws of victory. Or I was defeating myself by going exactly the wrong way with my women's fashion, hair and makeup. At the rate I was going back then, there was no way I was ever going to exceed, or even make it, to my gender expectations.

Another problem I encountered was the complexity of the new life I was trying my hardest to live. Every time I turned one corner it seemed I had another blocking my way. I began to see life as a series of walls I needed to climb. For example, if I couldn't learn to communicate with the world, how could I ever hope to bring my dreams to life. Many times as I journeyed out into the world, I was flying blind not knowing what to expect. The whole process was at once scary yet exciting. It took me many evenings out on my own to establish myself in venues I wanted to be secure in. At the time, I was doing my best to separate myself from the gay bars I was going to where I did not enjoy being treated as a drag queen. 

It was very difficult at first to be accepted as a single transgender woman in the sports bars I was going to. Often I resorted to using my cell-phone as a prop to fend off anyone who thought I was going to be alone for any length of time. It was during this time when I started to meet a trans woman friend of mine and socialize in many venues I was fearful of going into by myself.  There seemed to be an extra amount of security when I was with a friend. When we were together my gender expectations were satisfied because I was allowed to relax and be more social in the world.

From there I transitioned into having my lesbian friends and had a chance to really blossom. All of a sudden, I did not need a man to validate my existence as a woman and they helped me climb another big wall towards achieving my dream. My experiences at lesbian mixers, roller derby matches and even professional football games helped me to come out of my gender shell fast. By doing so, I needed to free my long dormant feminine inner being so she could help me to become a new person. She gladly did so and took off tons of pressure from my gender expectations. If I did not know what to expect, she did and took charge and maybe most importantly gave me the chance to build a quality trans person. I had the rare second chance in life to learn from my mistakes as a cross dresser and a man.

I finally ran the string out and had seen all I needed to see as a transgender woman and couldn't wait for the gender affirming hormones or HRT I was approved to take to take further charge of my body. All my expectations had been exceeded and there was no way I could have dreamed of coming this far in life the first time I slid into hose and a bra when I was a kid. 

I don't completely know why I made it but I sure am happy I did. Along the way, my gender expectations were often confusing to me and impossible to explain to others. Even though internalizing my feelings was brutal, good therapy helped my mental health. Even more so if I had listened to my gender therapist years ago who told me there was nothing either of us could do about my desire to be a woman. Of course I was stubborn and did not listen. If I had, my gender expectations may have really changed for the better much earlier in life.

Buckle Up!

Image 
from the 
Jessie 
Hart
Archives

Recently, I have happened across several posts on my social media feeds from novice transgender women just beginning HRT or gender affirming hormones. 

In many ways, as I look back on my hormonal experiences, I am envious. Mainly because my experience was so exciting. Possibly because I was finally realizing my attempt to take a major step forward in my transgender transition. For years, I had dreamed of starting HRT, much to the chagrin of my second wife who was completely against it. She had always told me, she did not want to live with another woman and the hormones would take me dangerously close to doing it.

When I actually started down the HRT path, little did I know how right she would be. I was naïve and I thought my new journey would involve growing breasts and hair but never dreamed of all the other changes which would take place. My skin softened along with my facial angles which helped  my feminine presentation in the world. I could use much less makeup and do away with wearing wigs because I was fortunate I did not inherit any male pattern baldness.  

Before I knew it I really wanted it to happen, I was becoming very androgynous and had to do something. With my hair, breasts and skin alone, it was time to begin to think about the circumstances to what I was doing. Plus, I have not even mentioned all the extra benefits of going through the second major puberty in my life. When I did, I discovered so many new things about myself such as when my sense of smell suddenly improved and my body's thermostat went away. What happened was I was cold all the time and suddenly understood women were not making it up all the times when they said they were chilly.

Then there were the onset of emotions I went through when I started HRT. Previously in my male life I had become very insulated when dealing with my emotions. Sadly, I became so callous, I had a difficult time shedding a tear when my parents passed away. Suddenly, one night, when a late summer thunderstorm moved in, I sat alone on my side porch and started to cry for the loss of my old male self. It was such a powerful moment in my life, I will never forget it. 

Of course if you are just starting down your path to femininizing hormones, there will be many peaks and valleys or ups and downs. Similar to so many others, I questioned the gender path I was taking. Was it the correct one? So, I buckled up for the ride. I'm not sure now if I was ready for the first hot flashes I went through which hit me when I was out in public and I ended up wondering if the world had noticed I was getting ready to internally combust. Perhaps back in those days, the worst part of my gender journey was I had no one to share it with. I was just getting to know the small circle of women friends I started to hang out with on a regular basis and knew they would only say welcome to their world if I brought up anything such as hot flashes to them. 

After awhile, I came to the conclusion I had buckled up for one of the best roller coaster rides there were. The best part was, for the most part, I had no idea what was coming up next. When I was approved for larger dosages under the care of a doctor, changes continued to come at a rapid pace. Under medical care, I went from pills to patches which supposedly helped with the wear and tear on inner organs such as kidneys. Life was good as I adjusted to the new hormones and I felt as if my body was telling me I was a natural for gender affirming hormones all the time. 

The very few people who knew me pre-transition said it the best, I just seemed more relaxed and happy now as a transgender woman. I never said anything but I gave most of the credit for my new found joy to the hormones I was on. HRT had helped me to sync up my internal and external gender feelings. It would have been "TMI" or too much information for the average person to understand. 

I will always wonder how my deceased second wife would have reacted to me as a transgender woman. Would I ever have paid enough dues to move out of the pretty pretty princess mode she threw me in and ascend to the woman mode she was so afraid of. I would like to think at the least we still could have remained friends.  I will never know.

At the least, your journey will be different than mine in many ways and will include many twists and turns. Just try to enjoy the journey many others will never have the chance to take.

Running from the Pain

 

Image from jc 
gellidon on UnSplash

Most certainly, I know I am not alone running from the pain of my gender dysphoria.

Most of you have been through it also. You know it takes a great amount of effort to out-run your issues. For me, it has been a survival of the fitness scenario. I was stuck between the proverbial gender rock and the hard place. Exactly between the two primary binary genders, or male and female. Of course I was raised male and often resented it. When I did resent where I was in life, I just became more and more frustrated and the pain set in. 

As the pain set in I had two alternatives as I saw it. Internalize the fact I was transgender or run from it. At the time, I hit a personal wall I didn't even know was there. When I became tired of totally internalizing my gender issues, I set out to outrun them. I ran from my native Ohio to the suburbs of New York City then back again to rural Southern Ohio along the Ohio River. At the same time, I was switching jobs almost as fast as I was changing my shoes. I was fortunate in that I was in an industry which was expanding rapidly and there were quite a few new job opportunities to be had. At least when I landed a new job, I had the opportunity to take my mind off of my true problems. 

None of the running worked and the pain increased. The only things I learned were there were pockets of acceptance wherever I went, including unlikely ones such as Parkersburg, West Virginia which had a small but active LGBTQ community. The problem became I could not become too involved with any transgender related activities without resistance from my second wife. So again my frustration and pain increased because I was so close yet so far away. 

Finally, I could stand it no longer and needed to face up to my gender problems. At the time, I was increasingly exploring the world as a transgender woman. At one point, I was even living half and half male and female. I was learning I had much more energy when I was in the feminine world than when I was living as a man. Even when I faced giving up all my hard earned male privileges. Increasingly, I shed a majority of my gender pressure and decided for sure I was transgender and then go for a life which reflected my new decision.  Since I had cross dressed so long I figured I was doing something  right especially when I felt so energized and natural in my life. I will forever remember the exciting yet scary night when I decided to do away with my male life and transition into a feminine world.

By doing so, I put my pain behind me and could stop all the running I was doing. It felt so good to relax and take a breath after all those years of running. Initially, I did not know how to act with all the gender freedom I was experiencing. Of course I learned to live a new life I had only ever dreamed of and was able to actually bring a portion of my old male baggage with me and discard the rest.

Baggage is actually a topic for another post but simply put, trying to carry all the extra baggage of two genders was exhausting. I don't see now how I did it but I survived, barely at times. Running from my pain nearly got to me and led me to suicide. Life then went full circle and I was paid back with the help of friends together we pushed back what was left of my male self and my female self prospered.