Tears of Joy

Image by Anthony Tran'
on UnSplash.

Until I began gender affirming hormones  in my life I never cried as a man. 

Even more foreign to me was the concept I could actually cry three different ways. Of course I cried out of sadness but did not expect the tears I shed when I was emotional and even more so, the most unexpected tears I shed when I was happy. 

It took the layers of change  which began with the HRT femininizing hormones I was taking to enable me to, for the first time cry at all. It happened as I waited for a light summer time thunderstorm to roll in as I sat and waited on my side porch. When I sensed the first soft rolls of thunder, very unexpectedly I began to cry. At first, I tried to hold my emotions in as I was taught to do as a man. Then I realized I did not have to follow those old gender restrictive footsteps any longer and let the tears flow. Even though I did not cry for long, it seemed I cried forever to makeup for all the years of gender repression I had put myself through. 

Little did I know, my experience with tears was just beginning. The more the hormonal changes increased, the less control I had over my emotions. The total range of new feelings I was experiencing was amazing and I found crying out of joy was the most amazing experience I could have. I was even crying when my favorite athletes excelled on television. And had to put up with the good natured barbs of my wife Liz, who seemingly knew I was crying tears of joy before I did. Of course, she had such a long head start on me in the feminine hormone department being born female, she knew what was coming. The standing joke in our house is when did I change my Estradiol patches when I begin to cry.

How different my life would have been if I could have shown any emotions when I was a man. I was even stoic and tear free when my parents passed away. When my wife passed so suddenly, I did not have the chance to grieve or shed a tear with her either and the only time I have cried is recently when she came to me in a dream.

Through it all, the HRT hormones along with being able to express my emotions just re-enforced my opinion women lead a much more layered experience than men. Being able to cry over sadness, joy or even anger led me to believe I was on the right track in life as I sought out the way to living as my authentic transgender self. I sought out the way to be more of a woman and I found it in so many ways. Then again, I was fortunate in that I was healthy enough to be approved to begin the hormonal therapy at all when others aren't. 

Shedding tears of joy was just a portion of the emotional release I felt when I transitioned. Outside of other changes such as resetting my body's thermostat and refining my sense of smell, most of the other dramatic changes were external in nature. 

Sadly, I had no one to talk about many of my changes with as my women friends were fond of telling me welcome to their world when I brought up my feelings and I was discouraged about talking at all of my previous life.  It was not till my wife Liz came along did I finally feel secure enough to express my total feelings. It was still difficult shedding all those years of male life to finally allow me to share my true transgender self to the world. Tears and all.