A Free Spirit

 

Image from Ivana Cajina 
on UnSplash

As I was making my gender journey to living as a full time transgender woman, I often tried to pass myself off as being a free spirited person. 

Often that carried a maybe I would go even as far as dressing up as a woman on occasion. Especially during all of my Halloween adventures, this came in handy. It also was successful when I tried all the drinking that I did. Being free spirited just led to being the instigator when it came to inviting a group of friends together for a good time. It basically all started because of my family used to get together for big parties which of course included quantities of alcohol. So the entire process seemed to be natural to me since I was raised with it. 

Another factor to consider was being a free spirit and being able to drink more than the next guy somehow made me more of a man than he was. This worked because I couldn't out compete most other guys in athletics of other competitive activities. If all else failed I could try to out drink them. Deep down inside I hope I would try to outrun all my gender issues and live what I considered at the time a more "normal" life. Needless to say the process didn't work except serving to keep me deeper in my gender closet.

Being a free spirit with the cis-women friends I had was a whole different process. In my endless search to discover what a cis-woman's life was really all about, I think I became more friends than lovers with most of the women I became serious with which were very few since I always had in the back of my mind someday I would have to sell out all my male past and leave everyone I had ever known behind. During that time, anyone who attempted the complete gender change process was expected to leave totally the life they had lived behind, move and start all over. Somehow, I never wanted to do all of that as I had established a male life which I actually liked part of.

Of course, being a free spirit caused other issues also. As I mentioned, never being able to become close to many other human beings (male or female) was on occasion frustrating and disappointing.  All in all, I can count the number of true male friends I had on one hand when they tragically all started to pass away in a two year span of my life. I have had people question me how easy or difficult my gender transition was when I finally decided to do it. It wasn't difficult at all because most of my family(parents) and close friends had passed on. I guess you could say I waited them all out and I was the last person standing. So I was able to move on.

My feminine inner self who waited all those years for her chance to live did maintain a portion of my overall free spirit. Sadly now, my body is paying the price for all those years of attempting to be the best at everything I did. My back betrays me everytime I move too much or change directions too quickly. Maybe since I have passed my seventy fourth birthday, I am asking too much but I am trying to walk more to stay active. In my own way, I want to maintain being a free spirit for as long as I live.

Always on Stage

 

Photo from the Jessie
Hart Archives

Sadly Sunday night involved an emergency trip to the hospital because my wife Liz was having severe pains. 

You may recall, recently she went through two surgical procedures and was progressing smoothly...or we thought. The problem with going to the hospital the way we did, in the emergency situation, I did not have any chance to prepare or, no close shave or makeup of any kind. Not even a chance to tie my hair back. I had to go the way I was  and try to rely on my inherent androgyny I have lived with since I began hormone replacement therapy years ago. As it turned out, no one on the emergency room staff seemed to care since I imagine they have seen it all.

More important of course was my wife Liz's condition which was initially diagnosed  as a bowel blockage. Fortunately, after her doctor saw her, he thought he could go forward with no further surgery but she would have to stay in the hospital on a special diet. What a relief!

The whole process meant I needed to spend the day with her yesterday at the hospital with Liz. This time at least, I got the chance to prepare. I shaved, put on some makeup and went out into the world to battle traffic to go to the hospital. Of course, during the day, I needed restrooms to use to get rid of all the coffee I drink. Most everyone was really nice except the usual two people in a group who were not. 

As I walked past a certain group in particular asking for directions to the rest rooms I was glared at by two women in particular. Since I had to go I ignored them and the fact the rest of the group's gossip had gone silent. Since it was shift change, I had to go right past the group on the way back. This time I was struggling because I can only walk so far anymore without my back killing me. So I was walking hunched over as I was in pain. Hard to present as good as possible when it is a struggle to even walk. But I had no choice I had to make it.

Make it I did, and the women who glared at me, I managed to glare right back at. After all, since I have been out and about as long as I have I am used to always being on stage as a transgender woman. Men notice me and more importantly, women do to. Most of the time, I don't have any problems at all. I mind my own business and the world minds its business. 

Happily, Liz is going to be released today so I need to go back and get her from the hospital. Once again I will get ready the way I did yesterday and face the world with a smile on my face.

The Ultimate Obsession

 

Image from Brett Jordan
on UnSplash

As I recall, the ultimate obsession I had with being feminine began with explorations into my Mom's clothing and makeup. Once I started I couldn't let it go.

Little did I know, I would need to follow quite the winding and rough path as I crossed the gender border from male to female. As soon as I conquered one of my goals and escaped my very dark and lonely closet another wall or barrier would crop up to challenge my obsession. An example would be how I imagined just improving my outward feminine appearance would be enough to help me live in the world as a transgender woman. All the process really did was set me up for other huge challenges.

Challenges such as how I would or ever could learn to communicate with other women in their world. Nothing in the process was easy and often terrifying. The old "no pain-no gain" saying proved to be all too true. Just attempting to modulate a feminine sounding voice to match my appearance was the ultimate challenge. Plus I needed to learn to always make eye contact with other women as we engaged in conversation. A simple statement saying I loved another woman's ear-rings often proved to be the ice breaker I needed to survive in my new gender world. 

Through it all, my male self was fighting me all the way. Every move I made to try to enable me to be more feminine was a problem to him. Deep down he knew he was fighting a losing battle because when I was pursuing my authentic self I felt so natural. So everytime I was questioning the path I was taking, the bottom line was if it all felt so natural, it was the right thing to do. Somehow I needed to conquer my fears and temporary setbacks and follow my own personal ultimate obsession. Follow it I did.

No matter how complex my life became as I ended up attempting to share a life between the two primary genders, until the pressure became too intense to survive, I did my best to live my life. My male self kept resorting back to what he had always done...internalize his feelings and hope for the best. His best never came as I continued my path towards my ultimate obsession. Even then, I had no idea if I could make it to my ultimate goal of living a life as a transgender woman. Fulltime with no interference from my old male self. 

As I always point out the struggle nearly killed me and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I was one of the lucky trans women or trans men who all of a sudden found the doors opening which would allow me to finally follow my obsession which had followed me my entire life.  Destiny showed me the way around life's setbacks such as close friends and family dying. It all allowed me to have very little resistance to living my own life as I saw fit. Also near the same time, the Veterans health care system I was part of started to provide help with hormone replacement therapy, which I was fortunate enough to be healthy enough to be a part of.

In short, my life which was very much in shambles faded away and I was finally able to achieve my ultimate obsession. To lead a feminine life and even to become remarried again to my wife Liz who accepted me all the way. 

The path I took was never easy but on the other hand, my trip was never boring and provided me with a unique look at life others never have.  

Veterans Weekend

 

Civil War Cemetery image from 
the Jessie Hart archives.  

Since I am a veteran of the Army during the Vietnam War era, I feel as if I can expand the observance of Veterans Day to more than one day.

Veterans I think should be recognized for their service as well as their sacrifice. It should be noted many vets joined the military to try to outrun their gender issues. Or, the well worn, the military will make me a man theory. More than a few transgender people tried the same method by getting married and having children. In my defense, I did neither. I was in essence drafted into the military and decided to get married to my first wife just ahead of the birth of my only child. 

Interestingly, since I now live as a transgender woman, most of my friends and acquaintances don't remember at all that I am a veteran. As such, I receive very few thanks from anyone for my service. Then again, it fits right in with my experience as a Vietnam Vet. For those who don't remember or aren't old enough, the war was very unpopular. Even to the point of taking it out on the people who served. I gave my Army uniform to my Mom while telling her I never wanted to see it again. In the years following, I reclaimed it as memories started to fade.

It always bears mentioning, the number of in the closet transgender veterans who never had a chance to escape their gender closets and ended up paying the ultimate cost for their country is tremendous. Veterans Day is just one of several days of the year we should pause to remember those service men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for their country. And what would we have without their service. 

Also, I would like to take the opportunity to thank all the other veterans who I know read this blog.  Thanks for your service.

Puberty

 

Estrogen patch on 
UnSplash

It isn't often in life a human gets to go through puberty twice. 

More than a few transgender women and trans men are counted among those who have had experienced puberty on both sides of the binary gender borders. Of course starting hormone replacement therapy will kick start another puberty. Even though my HRT began at a minimum level of medications, quickly I began the changes I was craving. Probably quicker than others because my natural output of testosterone was decreasing because of my age which was in my early sixties. Regardless, the changes were shocking to me on occasion. 

Very quickly, my breasts started to grow, even to the point of having to consider wearing very loose fitting shirts to cover up my new found shapes. All the process really did was speed up how long I had to actually quit wearing any of my male clothes at all, learn more and more how (and if) I could live as a transgender woman and never look back. As it turned out, there were many other positive changes I quickly went through to seal my decision. My skin softened as my body hair thinned out and my facial angles began to soften also. Not to mention, my hair was following the lead of what my doctor told me and really started to grow. Wigs were quickly out for me as I had no male patterned baldness. 

All the changes led me to a very androgynous appearance. All of a sudden I was losing all of the "Sir" references I cringed at. I was amazed at my progress which was happening with my minimum dosages I was prescribed. It is always very important for me to note I was (and am) under a doctors' care for my hormone replacement therapy. Along the way I have sadly seen the effects of hormones unsupervised on transgender women. I wanted no part of being unsupervised at my later stages of life on hormones which have the capability of making such dramatic changes. 

One of the most dramatic changes I went through one night when I was in the middle of my second puberty was when I experienced my first major hot flash. I was in one of my favorite venues enjoying a tall beer when all of the sudden I felt as if I was internally combusting. The hot flash came on so fast and so completely, I was taken aback and wondered if anyone else noticed I was on fire. No one did and I finished my drink and headed out into the cooler autumn evening to make sure I could look at myself in my car mirror. Surprisingly, I looked the same and no worse for wear after my hot flash. When I brought up the experience to my cis-woman friends, they just smiled and said welcome to their world of hormonal change.

Although, I was amazed how quickly the external  HRT changes took place and ecstatic, the internal difference I was going through was just as amazing. All of a sudden for the first time in my life,  I could cry and to a lesser extent my internal thermostat went through a radical time when all of a sudden I was cold more often and even my sense of smell improved. In other words, my world just softened and I was happier.

These days, my hormonal transition continues as my body fat is shifting to my thighs, hips and rear area. Very simply I am amazed and happy I don't have to go back to the old days of fashioning foam pads to give myself a feminine shape. 

I remember the days so long ago when I was not particularly happy when I was going through the changes of male puberty. I didn't want to grow bigger and more angular because I would be challenged when I tried to dress in my rapidly shrinking feminine wardrobe. As my life went by, there was nothing I could do concerning going through a male puberty and ending up facing the effects of testosterone poisoning for what amounted to over a half a century. 

My only solution was hormone replacement therapy and I know I am fortunate to have survived and benefitted from the results because not everyone else can. 

Gender Equity

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives 

In our lives as transgender women or trans men, we can't help building gender equity.

What I mean is when you are forced into a gender lifestyle you really don't accept, you have no choice to adapt and survive. In my case, it meant doing my absolute best to play sports as well as doing other boy things. I put together model cars, was gifted a BB Gun (when I really wanted a doll) as well as other male type activities. None of which I was ever very good at, probably because I did not really buy into participating entirely.

Even still, as much as I didn't want to, I was still building equity being male. Of course I learned how to interact one on one primarily with other guys. Sadly never having much of a chance to see and know any girls at all since I was painfully shy. To survive, I needed to study all the femininity around me from afar and do the best I could.

As life progressed, I needed to fall back on my male equity more and more. It was especially important when I served my three years in the Army during the Vietnam War. Specifically during basic training, I needed to learn how to act like an alpha male and how to deal with all the ones I faced. Again, even though I was successful, I didn't really want to be. Also, I knew the more equity as a man I acquired, the harder it would be to some day give it all up.

And one day it all did come crashing down. I was looking at giving up what I called the "three F's" or family, friends and finances. The reality was I was going through a stressful time in my life when I was going through gender ripping and tearing as I was seriously considering living fulltime as a transgender woman. It meant giving up all my male equity or privileges I had worked so hard to obtain. I had already faced several of my privileges being taken away such as intelligence but I was ill prepared when I had to face other issues such a personal security when I tried to live a public life as a trans woman. Even with all the changes and new pressures, I knew it was still worth selling my equity to live a feminine life.

The pressure to sell became so great, I finally broke down, embraced my new life and decided to transition into a new life I had only ever dreamed of. Little did I know, deep in the background of my life my feminine person had been watching and learning also. She was just biding her time until she had a chance to live. She was building her own equity which made the entire gender transition so much easier. 

I am fortunate in that I was able to cash in to what was left of my male equity and transfer the proceeds to my existing (hidden) feminine self. Between the two, I was able to move on and never look back.   

 

 

Ohio Proud

Image from Cyrus Crossan
on UnSplash

 It was another big night here in Ohio with the midterm elections taking place. 

Along with several other states in the country, Democrats won big in a state unfairly criticized for being entirely conservative. If you are from Ohio, you know the differing areas of the state which has been excessively gerrymandered. Meaning districts in the state which have been set up to protect Republicans who run year after year. The results are worthless politicians such as "Gym" Jordon who recently tried an ill fated attempt at running for the Speaker of the House of U.S. Representatives who is from Ohio. Jordan has managed to be in congress for approximately sixteen years. Recently, the many big metro parts of the state have been successfully organized to fight back people like Jordan. 

What this means for all of you who are out as transgender women and trans men is, if supposedly backwards Ohio is an example, there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us which isn't the train. It bears mentioning also that anti abortion proponents tried to tie in gender realignment surgeries into their advertisements to vote the abortion issue down, to no avail. 

I have always urged all individuals with gender issues, including cross dressers deeply hidden away to consider their political future and vote appropriately.  After all, you never know what the future holds and you may have a chance to escape your gender closet in the future, into a more forgiving world. Especially when you consider how different the younger generation is when it comes to gender. As far as personal preferences go, my transgender grandchild in their early twenties, in my mind, has had it much easier than I did years ago. Plus when you vote, don't forget to remember your local school boards. Even our local school board had two candidates which had support from the alt right "Mom's for Liberty" lost handily when they were exposed to having no kids in the district as well as other facts. 

Sorry to have made this post so political but when a certain political party is trying to erase us now and in the future, it is time for the transgender community to put it's petty differences behind us and unite.

It is also time for the TERF's and other transphobic women to realize trans women are women too and can help in their political causes.

Now is the time before the next BIG election when our democracy will be on trial.

Affirmation

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Archives

Affirmations of my gender on occasion comes from predictable sources.

It was voting day recently here in Ohio and I had the chance to be reaffirmed as my feminine self again. It all started years ago when it was time to vote shortly after I changed almost all of my legal gender markers. I vividly remember the pride I felt when the voter administration person asked for my identification card. Which in my case was my brand new driver's license complete with a new picture and the all important "F" under where it asked for my gender. 

Essentially, I knocked out two birds with one stone when I voted for the first time that year which seems like years ago now. I had always felt the need to vote all of the time because possibly my parents always did and seemingly there was always an issue on the ballot I was passionate about. Even on occasion, every once in a while a politician I was for or against would come along too. Little did I know back in those days I would be voting someday as my authentic feminine self. 

Now when I vote, not only I am doing my patriotic duty, I am doing it as a woman. In the past on occasion I think I raised more than a few gender suspicions with the occasional man who was taking my information but today I had a woman who was closer to my age and didn't seem to care at all she was talking to a transgender woman. 

Today was an important election on several fronts here in Ohio which made it more of a necessity to get out the vote. Two statewide issues were on the ballot which might just signal a new dawn of non conservative politics in a state which has become considered as a backwards one in many cases. The issues are considering abortion and marijuana, so it will be interesting to see how they turn out. Plus we had a chance to vote against a right wing school board candidate backed by out of town interests such as the "Moms for Liberty." 

I guess most importantly, no one paid me any extra attention today when I was out in the public's eye. I am starting more and more to get out again and begin moving around outside of my secure gender shell at home. I need the extra challenge to push myself along, Plus, as we approach Thanksgiving, I will have an appointment for my Covid booster shot coming up as well as another diversity council meeting for the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association. So as the holidays approach, there may be more and more chances to get out and socialize. 

No matter how I look at it, affirmation is good and helps keep my gender dysphoria to a minimum. A problem I can never seem to be rid of. Voting helps me to remember a time I wasn't so fortunate and I had to vote as my old male self. Not to mention the early fears I had of trying out my new feminine identification and voting as a brand new person. It still proves to be a wonderful memory. 

It Was All a Dream

Image from Marcos Paulo Prado 
on UnSplash

Similar to so many other transgender women and trans men, when I was young often I woke up sad in the morning after vividly dreaming I was living as my preferred feminine gender. 

Of course, then depression set in when I had to face yet another unwanted day as my old male self. On those days, very little motivated me to get going. Somehow I managed to make it through another day. On the good days, I had figured out how I could sneak around my family's back and cross dress in my small wardrobe and admire myself in the mirror. In the meantime, I tried to study the cis-women (natural born) around me to see if there was anyway I could copy their dress or mannerisms without being too obvious. I was so envious.

It took me years and even decades to figure out how totally reversed my gender dreaming really was. To this day, after living as long as I have as a full time transgender woman, my dreams are still flipped. In other words, most of my dreams still involve me as my old unwanted male self. I'm sure the main reason is the fact proportionately I still have lived the majority of my life in a stressful male world. To be successful I just had to learn the game well. All of which has carried into, and remains a substantial portion of my self-conscious thought. 

Plus, on occasion, I feel as if my entire gender existence has been nothing more than an extended dream. Perhaps it is because for such a long period of time I considered being able to live as a transgender woman was just an impossible dream. Then when I began to leave my mirror behind and break out of my gender closet into the world, I began all the changes I would need to do to live a new fulfilled life. Suddenly my life evolved from just doing my best to appear as a woman, all the way to communicating effectively as a trans woman with other women in the world.   

It was around this time of gender discovery when I started to believe I had my whole life backwards. There were certain aspects somehow I needed to do as a male but overall the other set of experiences I went through could have been lived by my dominate feminine self. I couldn't believe how much easier my life became when I finally gave in to her and let her live. She in essence was telling me she was right all along and she was.

It turned out, my dyslexic self had my gender mixed up also. All along when I  considered myself a male to female cross dresser, in reality I was a female to male cross dresser just trying to survive in an unwanted world. 

Now my past is mostly a dream, some parts good and others bad. Perhaps one of these days my sub-conscious will flip into dominant feminine role too and my dreams will become predominantly feminine in nature. I suppose if that is all I have to complain about, life is good.