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| Image from Abbot on UnSplash. |
Sadly, just wishing and hoping that we can make it to our feminine dreams just won’t get us there.
Since most of us started our gender journeys with very
little natural external characteristics of the gender we want to become, it
makes our struggle even more difficult. Even more so when you consider how far trans
women like me had to go to hide my true self so I would not be bullied by the
men around me. I played sports such as football and worked on cars to hide the
fact I did not really want to follow a male path.
In the deep, dark recesses of my closet I spent my time
wishing and hoping time would come along to magically change me. We all know
how that worked. It did not and I grew more frustrated as I spent my meager leisure
time wistfully cross-dressing in front of the mirror at home in the long
hallway we had. After the initial success I felt from looking at my imagined
self as a pretty girl, I knew it was just not enough. Looking back, I was going
through the early stages of being transgender without having any of the
terminology to go with it. In the meantime, I needed to keep my public charade
alive of making the world think I was male.
Then, along came the shock of puberty with all its unwanted physical
changes such as size of body and bone structure. I was helpless as all the
changes took place and I was depressed that I was moving farther away from the
feminine person I always wanted to be. All I could do was wish and dream for
change which never worked. I finally had to do something about it, the pressure
on me was intense. The little trips to the mailbox when I was dressed as a girl
just were not enough anymore, I could no longer just exist on that little
interaction with the world as I introduced my true self.
Early on, once I grew older and found a place of my own, I
did venture out into shopping malls and often the experience was brutal. No
matter how good the mirror at home was telling me I looked, the public quickly
told me something else. Too many times I had to come home early crying because
of being laughed at by groups of teenagers I attempted to dodge but couldn't. Fortunately,
something deep down inside me kept telling me to keep trying to get better with
my make-up and fashion and maybe then I could present well enough to get by in
front of the mirror and the public both. The brief moments of gender euphoria I
experienced were the indication I needed to know there was indeed more and I
was on the right path after all.
Once I did discover I was on the right path, then I needed
to stay on it and try to navigate all the blind curves, potholes, and stop
signs I encountered. Initially, I was naïve and was not prepared for everything
I was about to face. I thought I had a fairly good idea of what was behind the
gender curtain with the ciswomen I would have to coexist with, but I did not.
All of what I was seeing was the pretty clothes and passive aggressive nature
without seeing all of what went into it later as I actually made my way into
the world. I really misjudged how complex and layered a woman’s life could be
if I decided to follow along.
At first, I thought I needed some woman to show me the way
but again was so wrong when I tried. By the time I did, I actually had a better
knowledge of makeup than she did, so basically, the whole experience was wasted,
and I knew I would have to go up my path on my own if I was going to be successful
as a transgender woman. Then, I had to figure out what being a trans woman
meant to me. As in my earliest days in front of the cross-dressing mirror, I
knew I wanted so much more, and I knew it would involve my evolution into a
unique woman of my own. As with any other human born female, I knew they needed
to be socialized into being a woman and so did I. It just was because my path
to womanhood came from a different way than most women but that should not
exclude me. Once I felt secure with feeling this way, I freed myself to more
completely live my truth in the world with people who accepted me
Surprisingly, I had fewer problems than I anticipated when
my trans friend Raquel told me I passed out of sheer will power, that became
the story of my life. I was not trying to “fool” anyone into thinking I was the
most attractive woman in the room. I was simply announcing my truth to the
world, and they could take it or leave it. No more wishing and hoping for me,
if someone did not like or approve of me, that was their problem not mine as I
paid my dues to be where I was.
As I look back at all the wishes and dreams I had when I
hoped to somehow live my dream as a transfeminine person, I know I wasted a lot
of my time which I could never get back. Once I did get my late start and began
to make up for lost time, I did begin to learn what I needed to survive in the
girls’ sandbox once I was allowed in it to play. Once I did, I resolved to
never look back and enjoy what I helped to create. A woman with an unique background
allowing her to arrive at where she wanted to be.
Before I wrap this post up, I would like to thank Sara E for
writing in and commenting. She is in a similar position as most of us went
through. A married man, working through her feminine side.
Thanks to all of you who take the time to read my writings
and comment!
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