Keeping Secrets

 

Image from the
Jessie Hart Collection

These days as my memory tries to fade in situations I want to remember, I struggle to understand how I ever was able to pursue a life as a novice cross dresser. 

The only thing I do know is somehow I became a very skilled person in hiding my small wardrobe of clothes and when I could wear them. Very early I was able to combine my meager allowance I earned from working around the house with money I earned from delivering newspapers. I was fortunate in that my Grandma lived in town within walking distance of several of the old five and dime stores which sold makeup as well as a small selection of women's clothes. It was scary and exciting when I could visit her, sneak away, go downtown, and try to shop for my own feminine accessories. My memory has not failed me when I remember how terrified and confused I was when I made my own tentative steps to purchase items. First I needed to figure out what I was going to try to buy and then buy it. I was certain the clerk who checked me out would stop and ask me what I was doing with all my selections but of course she never did. 

Another problem I had when I went downtown was my Dad worked nearby the stores I was going to. I certainly did not want to meet up with him with purchases such as lipstick or panty hose. Happily, I never did. Then, once I returned to Grandma's, I needed to hide my treasures from her and begin to figure out how I was going to sneak them into the house past the two most inquisitive members of my family. My slightly younger brother and my Mom. I can't imagine now how I did it but somehow I managed. Slowly but surely I was able to end my reliance with trying to wear my Mom's clothes and use her makeup. Except for using her electric razor to shave my legs. How did I ever get away with that? You would think someone in my family would notice my hairless legs but no one ever did as I was hooked on the electric sensation when I put on panty hose with freshly shaved legs. 

I know one of the ways I found a semblance of privacy to cross dress as a girl came when I had acquired enough clothes in my wardrobe to hide a second small "stash" in an old hallowed out tree in the woods next door to our house. After school, I was able to slip away from my brother before my parents came home from work and visit my "wardrobe" in the woods. The entire process was far from ideal but I was able to feel the sensations of the clothes and it was enough to get me by.

I suppose the whole process of growing up with gender dysphoria taught me how to be a better sneak. Which I was never proud of. I was so sad I needed to keep such an important part of my life so hidden from the rest of the world. It turned out to be the beginning of a gender process which continued as I finally went through the process of transitioning into a transgender woman. Several of my least favorite memories which are still vivid (sadly) are when I tried and failed to sneak around on my second wife. Even though she had bent over backwards to help me as well as she could with my cross dressing, I still had to try to sneak around and do more as a novice transgender woman learning the world. Of course she would find out on occasion and all hell would break out. 

Keeping secrets was certainly no fun and with my straight forward personality, I don't know how I was able to keep up my all male  appearances but I did. Perhaps not remembering all that I went through is just a case of selective gender memory.    

Living Your Transgender Truth

Image from Brett Jordan on Unsplash

To live your truth as a transgender person, you first have to figure out what your truth is. 

In many cases, accomplishing knowing your truth when in comes to gender is very difficult. Even though I had realized from a very early age I wanted to be a girl and strongly admired everything feminine, it was still a difficult journey until I could actually live my truth. I believe the earliest  remembrances I had of being transgender was when I discovered just dressing up as a member of the feminine gender just wasn't enough. I actually wanted more. I wanted to actually be a girl/woman. Sadly, when I was discovering all of this, there was no internet or social media so I still felt isolated from the world. It wasn't until years later when I heard the term transgender for the first time. 

As the years rolled by and I learned more and more concerning what a transgender person actually was, I increasingly felt the term described me. Primarily because I felt just cross dressing as a woman was just never going to describe me. Plus, I had for the first time encountered other persons who identified as trans and I just knew I wanted to learn more about their lives. It turned out to be the right move since two of the people in my circle made their journey's all the way to living full time as women.  Right or wrong, they both became role models. Through it all, I wondered if I could ever follow in their footsteps and live an impossible dream as a transgender woman. 

One of the main differences was neither of them were involved in a serious long term relationship with a strong woman who did not approve of a gender transition. Also employment wise there were major differences such as one of the women I knew was a fire-person and had served out her initial twenty years so she had a good pension coming. And, the other woman was a very successful electrical engineer. She knew she was in demand employment wise and would have no problems with securing employment. Also, to make matters worse for me (or better for them) they were both gorgeous. Here I was just doing my best to look the best I could while all the time knowing I would certainly lose my job and my wife if I transitioned. Living my truth during that time in my life turned out to be rather murky. I was considering following in my acquaintances footsteps but couldn't quite figure out how it was possible. 

Through it all, I took my usual male sides approach and tried to hide my truth. Predictably, the entire process was ill advised and finally led me to a very serious self harm (suicide) attempt. To save myself and live my truth, it took a series of events in my life to do do it. Sadly, the biggest was when my second wife of twenty five years passed away when she was just fifty. Her passing, along with the fact I was quickly approaching retirement age led me down the path to being able to attempt a gender trnasition. It was during this time when I began hormone replacement therapy or HRT. The hormonal change propelled me even further to learning my truth...I always should have been a woman. My body just screamed for the changes it went through and it all felt so natural.

I realized in my early sixties, destiny was on my side and finally I would be able to live my transgender truth.

You "Gotta" Own It

 

Image from Alysha Rosly 

As a transgender person, one of the main accessories we can have is confidence. 

Of course, when we change genders, confidence is very difficult to come by and then even possess. In my case I needed to go out in the public's eye sometimes in very questionable outfits before I finally learned what I could do to survive as a transgender woman. Even though I was going through times of being stared at (or worse) somehow I needed to pay my dues and own up to what I wore, before I could hurry home and change into a more realistic outfit which was better for my testosterone poisoned body shape. The whole process was very difficult but I survived and slowly build a very fragile confidence. 

One of the main problems is the human animal is in fact an apex predator and showing any weakness is similar to having blood in the water around sharks. Seemingly, some humans are better in sensing weakness or even uneasiness in others. If you are a novice transvestite and/or transgender person, it takes a lot of will power to have confidence in your new found ability to blend in with the public. I vividly remember so many days when I thought I had it all together just to be destroyed by one person with a mis-placed comment in public. The whole process would quickly send me back home to reconsider everything I was attempting to do with my gender presentation. One example came when I was minding my own business shopping one morning in the women's clothing section of a favorite store when I tried not to encounter a young girl running around in the store. She was better than I was when she found me and exclaimed loudly to her Mom, "Look at the big lady!...the big mean lady!" 

I quickly thought well at least she did call me a lady but resolved to do something about the old ingrained male scowl on my face. As my new self, I certainly did not want to appear unfriendly or even mean to others. Lesson learned as the Mom retrieved her child and rapidly left the store. The only other negative I ever faced in a clothing store which really hurt my confidence was when a clerk took an unappreciative look at my short skirt and said something to the point that I better cover up those big old legs. I didn't buy anything and never returned to that store again. 

Through it all, I did manage to build upon my fragile confidence all the way to point where I could own my existence. I became so confident I thought if someone had a problem with my gender existence, it was their problem, not mine. Once I made it to this point, I was able to relax more and enjoy the new exciting gender path I was on. But looking back, it was never an easy journey for me. 

First and foremost, the biggest problem I had was, I needed to go all the way mentally as far as my desire to live as a transgender woman. I do think, along the way, my old male self was working in the background to sabotage any idea of living fulltime as a woman. Once I shook him off totally, I was able to continue to build my confidence and own who I was.   

"Passing" as a Goal

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

First of all, let me contradict myself and use the term "presenting" instead of "passing". I just think it is more appropriate because presenting describes more accurately what we are trying to achieve. By saying I was trying to "pass", I was just trying to fool someone into thinking I was a woman. By presenting, I was seeking to show an authentic look at my inner feminine self. 

Whatever I referred to it as, the fact remained I was obsessed with doing it. I wish I had back a fraction of the time I wasted admiring all other women and wondering if or how I could ever look the same. What happened was I grew more and more frustrated with my results when I cross dressed and tried to admire myself in the mirror. The only relief I received was when the mirror lied to me and told me I was an attractive woman. The relief was short lived and very soon I was a very difficult person to live with as my gender frustrations increased. 

Very slowly and with a huge amount of effort, I was able to better learn the artform of makeup and which clothes actually flattered my male body. Even still, it took me years and years to get to the point when I could concentrate on being my authentic self rather than looking like a person I wanted to be. Nothing changed until the wonderful evening when I finally decided what I was trying to do or go with my life. By this time I was seriously considering I was more transgender than anything else. Considering it more than living it was a different experience all together. To do it, I needed to quit obsessing on "passing" and start "presenting" myself as a total feminine person. I chose a venue where I knew single, professional women were accepted and after a stern talking to myself, in I went to sample what turned out to be a new life. I was terrified to say the least.

After the evening turned out to be a success, I knew me "passing" was forever gone and now I could move on to exploring how my life could turn out if I lived my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Deep down I knew I could never go back to living as my old unwanted male life. I will never forget the evening and I am sure if my life indeed does flash before my eyes, I will see the evening again. That's an idea of how important the entire happening was. Plus, once just "passing" ceased to be a major part of my life, the being a fulltime transgender woman became another obsession.  I set out to try to do new and different scenarios in which I put myself in situations an everyday woman would face. Examples were when I decided to lessen my visits to malls and clothing stores and try to eat and associate more with the staffs at different restaurants I could go to.

Since this entire post has been primarily dealing with semantics anyhow, I guess you can say I associated "passing" with being a cross dresser or transvestite and presenting with being a transgender woman. None of it really mattered to me, if I was advancing my goal to live my new gender dream.  Which destiny showed me the way to do as it turned out to be a life or death situation.   

It's a New World

 

Raquel 

Without bringing up too much unpleasant history, it was possibly the time of Donald tRumpt's election when it became more and more in vogue to outwardly criticize transgender citizens.  I have an example. 

A long time acquaintance of mine moved from Ohio to Texas eight years ago and lives full time as a transgender woman, mostly with no problems. Recently though all of that changed when she went to a diner she knows well. Her name is Raquel and here is a partial look at what went down:

"I avoid news/politics. But I feel like I'm on people's radar lately. Yesterday as I was walking out of a diner, two drunk couples were in a booth, and this big tough guy gets my attention...

"GUY: Hey! You're not a dude, are you?

ME: [loudly] F***. You.

GUY: I'll take that as a yes!

(his friends are kinda looking around like WTF I'm not part of this)

GUY: No, you're beautiful! You had me fooled!

Coincidentally, this was the 8th anniversary of the day I moved to Texas, and it was also one of the only times I've been carrying pepper spray with me. Because people are crazy. And something's up. And nothing would make me happier than hitting this guy in the face with cop-strength capsaicin."

First of all, I admire Raquel's courage in not backing down from this guy but I remember her well and am not surprised. Years ago, she was with me the night three drunk guys started playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" non stop at a sports bar we were at. Both of us were determined not to back down and let them chase us out of the venue. I am also surprised all she was carrying was pepper spray. I believe she has gone through firearms training.

I get the feeling the public these days is more emboldened to leave their comfort zones and challenge our transgender ones. It is sad we have to go through all of this as well as all the anti-LGBTQ or transgender bills in the state legislatures these days. Little does the public know we have been a part of them since history has begun and we are not going anywhere now.

Even still it is important to note it is a new world and I am always prepared to be confronted about my gender status when my wife Liz and I go out in public. We have not gone as far as buying pepper spray but have equipped our key chains with devices which could be used to stab and hurt would be attackers.

More than ever before, it is time to be aware of our surroundings as transgender women. It doesn't look as if these times are going away anytime soon.

Two Alpha Women and a Trans Girl

 

Image from WheresLugo
on UnSplash

Over the years as I write about frequently, I wonder quite a bit how I turned out the way I did as a transitioning transgender woman. 

Recently I have come to realize I experienced a serious battle between two alpha females and one lonely transgender girl was what was going on. I should have recognized the battle much sooner because I experienced two alpha females attempting to live together under the same roof.  What happened was when I was a teenager, my Dad somehow engineered his Mom moving into an already crowded house with my younger brother and more importantly my Mom. Of course an uneasy truce was established between the two women. Leaving me less time to practice my feminine past-time in the hall way mirror. What I did learn was the power of an alpha woman. If you don't think women can be alpha, you certainly have not been paying attention to how the genders interact in the world. 

Fast forward many years to the point when I began to seriously transition to being a full time transgender woman. It was the time I began to seriously clash with my second wife who had always known I was a transvestite or cross dresser but hated any thoughts of me living a transgender existence. During that period of time I really tried to have her accept me as a woman but it never came close to happening. Looking back, I can see now why. My way of trying to gain her acceptance was to mimic the way she dressed, as close as I could. In order to not look like a man in women's clothes, I simply had to wear makeup to present as well as I could. What ever I tried was never good enough to gain her acceptance and I think now I have an idea why.

I started with remembering what woman friends my second wife had. Overall she had a few close friends but probably not many more than I had male friends. All her friends were similar to her in that they didn't wear much makeup or overly feminine frilly dresses. It was quite the adjustment for me early on when I attempted to fit in with her. Which never happened. I think now, deep down, my wife realized she was dealing with another alpha woman who was just beginning her journey The woman I refer to of course was me and similar to my Mom and Grandma, clashes were impossible to avoid. As I transitioned, it turned out nearly all of my feminine role models were alpha women. It just took me years to grow out of my closet and accept my teachings.

Perhaps these days, it may be easier to be an alpha woman. Even if you are transgender. In fact I know a couple. With all the legislative and social pushback going on against the LGBTQ community (especially the Trans group) we have to be stronger to explore the world as our authentic selves than ever before. 

If you are still in your closet, timidly thinking about coming out into the world, keep in mind you may be harboring another alpha female just waiting for her chance to shine. As far as my second wife is concerned, she sadly passed away in 2007 without ever accepting the authentic self. My fondest desire is even if she could never accept me being a transgender woman, she still could accept me as a friend. On the other hand, I am so fortunate in that I was accepted totally nearly twelve years ago by my current wife Liz who was instrumental in helping me finally escape my gender closet.  Destiny was indeed kind to me and my alpha female training helped me to be whole.  

You Don't Know

 

Image from Noah Grossenbacher
on UnSplash

You don't know what you don't know is so appropriate when it comes to describing a lengthy transgender transition. 

Similar to anybody else, I had my predetermined ideas of the steps I would need to go through.  Very early on, I was so involved in looking the part I failed to realize all the other intangibles I would face along the way.  My all encompassing desire to be an attractive woman many times would lead to huge fights with my second wife. She was a very strong, down to earth woman who accepted my cross dressing desires but drew the line at any idea I was transgender. Since she didn't wear much makeup at all, she was fond of calling me the "Pretty, Pretty Princess"  when I put the time and effort into being the most attractive woman  I could be. I got my revenge when we were going to an event where she needed to wear makeup and she was forced to turn to me for guidance. 

What I didn't realize how much my old male ego entered in when I was fortunate enough to be mistaken for a woman in the rare times I was out in the public's eye. Mostly without my wife. What happened was my gender euphoria was at an all time high, for a small amount of time. All too soon the euphoria would wear off and I was stuck with the same old feeling of living a male life I didn't want to. I wanted to explore the world more and more as a woman and the person holding me back was my wife. Not a good position to be in and our relationship suffered. Somehow I barely kept my urges under some sort of under control and we made it through twenty five years of marriage before she unexpectedly passed  away from a massive heart attack. What I didn't know was all the negative I was facing at the time would lead to new challenges as I transitioned.

The first major obstacle I didn't know I would have to face when I was crushed by the need to communicate with the world as my chosen gender. Essentially what happened was any gender euphoria I was experiencing was very fleeting as I settled into a new gender reality. Interacting with women and men was so new and different. Along the way I was still so concerned with my appearance but I now had to be concerned how I reacted with the world. It was time to face another unknown as I needed to put the entire gender picture together and attempt to live my dream of living full time as a transgender woman. The second major obstacle or unknown was would accomplishing my goal be as rewarding as I thought it all would be.

The great unknown was when I gave away all my remaining male clothes. It was the final symbolic step in saying goodbye to my old male self. It was so different  waking up  and having to be a feminine person rather than just wanting to be a woman on a temporary basis. The first thing which happened was I needed to accept what kind of girl did I wanted to be. As it turned out, it was during this time my inner woman took over. To make a long story short, I was more of a boho style tomboy, than I was a girly girl. I learned whatever the outcome, the transition came so naturally I wondered why I took so long to undertake it. 

As I reach my mid seventies and have less life to live than I have lived, I hope the unknowns will be less noticeable but I doubt it. What fun would that be anyhow?

Transgender Discovery

Pride Photo from past with Ohio
River. From the Jessie Hart
Collection

Recently on the day that Pride began, I guess it was fitting one of my long ago male friends found out the changes I have gone through. 

I wasn't there to witness how he learned my name had changed and I was living as a woman a distance away in Cincinnati, Ohio. What happened was my daughter and first wife were attending a funeral for my friend's nephew. After the ceremony my friend from way back in my high school and Army days asked innocently enough how (my dead name) was doing.  Keep in mind I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly forty plus years. He served some very difficult duty in Vietnam and for all intents and purposes became a hermit. 

Amazingly, after he asked my ex wife about me by my old dead name, she said "Who?" By this time my very supportive daughter was listening intently. The next thing that happened was my ex wife told him the whole truth concerning my gender transition to which he seemed to be very confused according to my daughter.  I'm a little surprised he was confused with the transgender concept because he has another nephew who is a transgender man. Perhaps it was because when he knew me I was in a macho overdrive attempting to cover up any feminine tendencies I may have had. Except when I went to one Halloween party with him and his soon to be wife dressed as my attempt as a sexy woman. I guess I was too good at hiding I was macho through my feminine outfit I was enjoying so much.

The biggest surprise I had from the entire episode of coming out with someone I hadn't seen for decades came from my wife Liz. Once I told her what happened, she asked if I was mad at or disappointed with how my ex wife handled the whole thing. I immediately said no. Most certainly I don't care if any of the very rare individuals from my past know I am now living as a transgender woman. In fact, I can't remember anyone I haven't told if I had any contact with them at all. As I always have said, I had such a small circle of male friends it is easy to remember any I never told my deep dark secret. In fact I never had to because nearly all of my old male friends passed away before I transitioned to a fulltime transgender woman. It seemed though, one previous friend I hadn't even considered slipped through the cracks. 

I also think if he had been paying attention, I was/am not the only transgender person in his immediate family or previous acquaintances. As I previously written, he has a nephew who is trans as well as my daughter's child who is trans also. Since it has been decades since I have seen him I have no idea of how he is reacting. 

Positively I hope.   

It's LGBTQ Pride Month

Caitlyn Jenner...NOT the face of Pride

Once a year we pause to join the world with our Pride month. This year is ever more important that the transgender (or "T") of the LGBTQ alphabet is visible.

Why do we have to be more visible? Because of all the recent anti legislative bills which typically involve the perceived weakest link of all the LGBTQ facets in the public eye. The fact remains, most of the public does not know a trans person. Plus the trans umbrella still seems to be plagued by negative supposed role models like Caitlyn Jenner. Because of all of that and more it essential as much as possible we stand up for ourselves in a positive manner.

Now let's get down to Pride Celebrations themselves. In todays' ultra restrictive societies some react to the hypocrisy of certain big companies/corporations which sponsor Prides then do nothing the rest of the year to further the rights of individual transgender women or men. This year, the entire matter just seems to be overshadowed  by situations such as the beer "Bud Light" went through. 

Personally, the problem I had with major Pride celebrations was the influence of drag queens. It always seemed to me the transgender community was overshadowed by overly made up men in dresses. Again, this year is different because even the right to dress in drag has come under attack in some states. Of course I support the right of drag queens to do their thing and that means continuing their representation at Pride events. Just don't confuse it with me.

In fact, in the past, when I have attended larger Pride celebrations in Ohio, I felt I needed to separate myself from the drag queens. One year after we first met, my wife Liz even made me a shirt to wear which said "Transgender Veteran, I fought for your right to deny me mine,"   I wanted to show the world I was not a drag queen. 

Regardless of all of that, the biggest issue with LGBTQ Prides this year is everyone's personal safety. Even with the possible threat of violence hanging over everyone's head this year, more and more smaller communities around me at least are starting or continuing their own Pride celebrations. It is good to see. Since transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, we most certainly aren't going anywhere now.   

Hopefully attending the Cincinnati celebration Liz and I have attended in the past will be a possibility this year also. (It's coming up later in the month,) Since I have mobility problems and Liz has an upcoming medical procedure, we will just have to wait and see. In the meantime, enjoy your LGBTQ Pride Month. 

Transgender Losses

Photo from
the Jessie 
Hart Collection

 One of the main transphobic arguments I read is we transgender persons have a choice to live as we do.

No one ever mentions all the things we have to give up to exist as our authentic selves. Just a few of the things we often have to give up is contact with immediate family, employment and friends. The older we start our transitions, often the it is the more we have accumulated in life and have to give up. Being placed between the gender rock and the hard place leads to terrible problems. Problems no one would accept if they didn't need to, just to live. In no way was it ever a choice. 

If you have gone through a transgender transition, I am sure you have losses you have undergone. I am an example in that specifically I have lost all contact with my only brother and his family when I came out to him. I would have lost more than my brother if I had it to lose. By the time I completed my MtF gender transition in my early sixties, I had sadly lost (to death) my second wife of twenty five years, nearly all of my close male friends (which I had very few of) and employment, since I was nearly old enough to retire on Social Security. As you can tell I did not have that much to lose once I made the choice to transition. Seemingly destiny had intervened and doors were being opened wide for me to go through. So wide, it was even about same time the Veterans' Administration health care system approved administering hormone replacement therapy for transgender veterans which I was one of. 

All in all, I feel I experienced an easier time during my later in life transition than most others. During the decades before I considered myself transgender, I described myself as a "serious" cross dresser. Being a serious cross dresser enabled me to come closer to learning the fine art of feminine dressing and makeup. I even survived the cross dressing teen years when I tried to dress too sexy which turned out to be too trashy. Having all of that behind me really helped my survival rate when I needed it the most as I was seriously out in the public's eye as a transgender woman. 

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the loss of all the male privileges I went through. All of a sudden I seemingly lost part of my intelligence. Even to the point of not being listened to when my car stalled out one day and I needed to call a tow truck. When I did, the driver, along with a sheriff who had stopped to help me huddled (without me) to map out the easiest route back to my house. Like I didn't know? I learned the hard way perhaps the biggest privilege I lost when I began to live fulltime as a transgender woman was my own personal safety. I was lucky in a couple circumstances when I exposed myself to danger by placing myself in situations which could have led to problems. I had to learn the hard way what every other woman knows about not going into dark places with no potential escape routes. 

Even though my transgender losses may have been less than others, I still lost enough to know transitioning was more than a choice for me. I had to do it or take my own life. 

Was the Big Easy, Easy?

Image from Jade Photography 
on UnSplash

Several years ago, my wife Liz and I made the journey on a tour bus from Cincinnati to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. New Orleans is also known as the "Big Easy". 

As it turned out, the trip turned out to be anything but easy. It was a very challenging learning experience. Previously, Liz and I had gone on other bus tours with the same company which were shorter and turned out to be pleasant. The only main challenge which occurred was not being allowed to use the in bus restroom except in times of dire emergency.  Very quickly I learned the "pleasures" of standing in line with a group of other women waiting to use the bathroom. Often at a cramped state supplied roadside rest. After the first couple of times with the same women, I seemingly was accepted and allowed to do my very basic business without incident. I was relieved in more ways than the obvious.

The trip to New Orleans proved to be much longer with many more "rest stops". Again I didn't have many problems until the bus made it to the deep south and we stopped on the Mississippi/Alabama state line. As we joined the line waiting to go in, my nervousness increased. My feelings proved to be unfounded until I had to come face to face with two women after I paused to wash my hands. They took one look and me and glared and I thought here it goes. In response I smiled, dried my hands and vacated the rest room as quickly as I could. I was so scared I kept thinking a small town deep south redneck cop would be pulling the bus over looking for me. Fortunately, nothing happened and the bus then took us to the outskirts of New Orleans itself before it needed to stop for fuel. During the refueling stop again I needed to take care of business and hurriedly did it. Liz, however was behind me and took longer to get a stall, so I needed to wait alone for her. While I was waiting, I tried to waste time by looking at the truck stop tourist items like I was really going to purchase an alligator skull. My paranoia told me to keep moving as I waited for Liz and the Bus to get ready to go again. By having some sort of a purpose, I hoped to ward off any sort of unwanted advances by anyone. Which never came.

Once we arrived in the "Big Easy" the bus stopped at the big seafood restaurant with wonderful food. As I finished my meal, I excused myself and went to the restroom. While I was in there, another woman from the bus saw me and said something to the fact that I used "their" bathroom too. Since she was elderly and not overly negative, I chalked up the entire experience to education...for her. From the restaurant it was on to our fantastic hotel and the blur of an actual Mardi Gras experience,  I say blur because it is how I remember it. As a casual visitor I think being at Mardi Gras was a wonderful one time happening but a less crowded trip to New Orleans would be more enjoyable as I have been there twice now. Once as my male self.

Our trip to the actual event involved quite a bit of walking and pushing our ways through huge crowds, Plus the rest room theme raised it's potentially ugly head again as any restroom was difficult to find. We had to stop and eat off the main route to basically find a restroom to use. Before we knew it, the entire Mardi Gras experience was taken off the bucket list and we started our journey home. By this time my confidence was good and I had no more experiences to remember.   

How New Was It?

Photo from Civil War Cemetery. The
Jessie Hart Collection

 During my transgender journey, I considered each hill I climbed and every blind curve I conquered as being a new part of my life.

Looking back at it now, I wonder how new it really was. Through it all, as I learned from all the ups and downs of transitioning I was just being me. The sad part was how long it took me to arrive at the point of my life when I could put my old male self behind me and move on. It was at once so exciting yet terrifying to put all my male privileges away and explore what a feminine life had to offer.

The more I explored the world, the more I learned much of it wasn't new at all. If you are a believer in reincarnation somehow I felt I had been there before. In other words, my transition to a transgender woman felt so natural. I felt as if I should have always been living this way.  Even though I felt more and more natural, my old unwanted male self still stubbornly hung on thinking he could make a come back and reclaim my life. I even tried to live between the two main binary genders until the stress became to much to bear and I needed to make a decision. Finally I made the right decision to begin hormone replacement therapy and try to adopt a fulltime life as a transgender woman, without any of the major surgeries some trans women undergo. I just didn't feel the need to subject my body to any major gender surgeries seeing as how I was reaching my mid sixties by that time in my life. I considered myself fortunate in that my body was in good enough condition to accept the rigors of the changes I went through. 

Since my main premise through the years was gender was between the ears and sex was between the legs, I opted for more work between the ears. The final straw which broke the camels' back in my transition was when I met my wife Liz going on twelve years ago. Before I met her, I thought the chances of having anyone accept the new me would be nearly impossible. I couldn't believe it when  one day, Liz told me why didn't I just go all the way in my MtF gender transition because she didn't see any male in me at all. At that point I knew somehow I could make it another relationship with another person. Let alone another woman. The concept was very new because my previous two wives accepted the fact I was a transvestite but never adjusted to any of the concept I could be transgender. The unexpected turned into reality. 

From then on, the adjustment was immense as Liz and I needed to learn to live together as I was adjusting to living in a totally new gender. Ironically the easiest part probably was the gender adjustment I needed to make. When my feminine self was finally freed up to live out of the closet, she took to it completely and without reservations. She proved I should have been listening to her all along.  As far as my male self went, he quickly faded into the background and was rarely missed except for situations when I found myself in highly testosterone laden places such as auto shops. In those places, I learned quickly what "man-splaining" was really all about. 

It turned out, completing my gender transition wasn't new at all. I had been working my whole life to do it.

The Most Expensive Holiday

 I wish I wrote this but I didn't:

I will just also add how many transgender veterans took their deep dark gender secret to the grave with them. 

As you enjoy your cookout, just take a second to remember all who made the ultimate sacrifice to insure the fragile freedoms we enjoy. 

In It to Win...A Transgender Life

 

Self Photo from the Jessie
Hart Collection

Once I seriously started to go down the gender path to a total transgender transition, I just had to be in it to win it. 

The question remained what the process would be to win it. Along the way, I had already suffered from (and conquered) a deep sense of feeling selfish. Once I did I made it to the level of impostor syndrome. First, let's deal with all the selfishness I felt as I transitioned. Many of my feelings came from knowing I was nearly single handling wrecking a male life I didn't want anymore. Most importantly it meant destroying a twenty five year relationship I had with a woman I deeply loved but she was completely against living with another woman. I was stuck between the rock and the hard place with no where to go. Life became hell. 

Perhaps the worst part was knowing I was being selfish. Every time I withdrew into my feminine self to escape the world was time I could have spent to make the relationship stronger. Finally, I needed to realize my pursuit to my version of womanhood was selfish and had to be if I was ever going to be successful. Also I needed to define success and what it meant to me. Increasingly, what success meant to me was to feel so natural as a woman. Deep down inside, I knew I was doing the right thing, no matter how selfish it was to do it. I was certainly in it to win it.  But winning it turned out to be far from easy. To be successful, I chose what I referred to as the "stair-step" method of gender transition. Or once I had conquered one step, I could try another. The first example would be when I began to just have confidence in my appearance when I left the house. From there, my basic confidence increased and I advanced to the point where I could navigate the world fairly easily as a transgender woman. 

It was about this time when "impostor syndrome" set in for me. Here I was out in the world and all of a sudden the feeling I was some sort of a secret invader came along to ruin everything for me. To be in it to win it, something else was coming along just to be another obstacle. Finally I was able to conquer impostor syndrome by accepting the woman I was becoming was a part of me all along. I had just become a woman by taking a different path than most cis-women I knew.   Most importantly I learned I could be a winner and achieve my goal.

Ironically, all our transgender lives are so similar yet so unique. Sadly most of us go through  similar bouts of selfishness and/or impostor syndrome and we transition into our authentic gender selves. We all have to succeed in our own ways to be survivors in an ever increasing challenging world.

Creating a New Person

Image from Alexander Grey
on UnSplash

In the past I was flattered when someone told me I "made" a good woman. Of course, when I began to think about it, I didn't make anything. 

All I did do was finally allow my inner feminine soul the freedom to show herself to the outside world away from the mirror. Plus, I found she needed the time to learn the art of clothing and makeup to initially make it in the world. It wasn't easy but later, more than sooner she made it. At least according to the persons who were telling me I "made" a good woman. Then I found an entirely different spin to the "compliment". What the persons didn't add was I "made" a good looking woman...for a man. Which meant I needed to work even harder to cross the gender border. 

I discovered also I needed to keep my male self as far away as possible from the process. The primary example was how I was dressing. I found out the hard way when I dressed to please my male self in clothing which was too short or too tight to blend in with public expectations. When my woman took over, she dressed us in the more proper ways to dress and blend in with other women and my life began to change for the better. 

Little did I know the depth I would need to experience for the creation of a total feminine person to take place. The more we progressed socially, the more I found I needed to learn to adjust to this new wonderful lifestyle I was just beginning to experience. As I already suspected, cis-women operate on a much more layered existence than a man. From birthing and raising a family, all the way to being with men and holding down a job, women have much more to do in life. Of course, birthing a child was out for me but much of the remaining options were still open for me to learn. The example I write about the most was the process I needed to go through to learn one on one communication with other women. The whole process was difficult for me because I needed to essentially back off and see where the other woman was coming from. No more frontal assaults with my ideas. 

As it turned out, my dealings with men were much more limited. Very quickly I learned the new person I played a part in creating faced a whole different world when it came to men. For any number of reasons, I didn't date many men and I was for the most part terribly uneasy. I knew many of the man-centric topics they followed but didn't want to appear too well versed on subjects such as sports. I'm sure now I appeared too reticent to be a good date, so I didn't try. Fortunately, I was able to locate a group of women to socialize with. As with the rest of my life, I had always been more comfortable in the company of women anyhow. So this was just an extension of the process.

All in all, creating a new person, had very little to do with my old unwanted male self. The more I progressed in my new feminine life, the more I realized my new chosen path was the way to go. In fact, I should have chosen it sooner. Once my inner female gained control, the rest of me was able to sit back and enjoy the ride. 

Jumping Trans Barriers

Image from Shalomi Platzman 
on UnSplash 

 First of all, I never have participated in any sort of track and field events at all. So jumping anything, especially at my age is impossible. In my life, however, I have faced many invisible barriers when it came to being a transgender woman. 

The first barriers were self imposed as were many later in life. The main self imposed barrier I faced was my struggle to free myself from my mirrors who were the only way for me to reinforce my femininity. Sadly, the mirrors had a way of lying to me. No matter how I really looked, the mirror told me I was attractive. When I started to explore the world as my true gender self, I was greeted with many rude awakenings on my true appearance. Trashy, even clownish came to mind when I went out in the world. Fortunately, the negative feedback I received helped me to resolve to do better with my appearance. Slowly but surely I was able to build a small wardrobe of feminine clothes which helped to flatter what I possessed in the body department and led me to jump the barrier of being able to present properly. 

Along the way too, I developed more ways to see if I could truly overcome the barriers I was facing. One of the biggest ways I found was to go to Halloween parties in a "costume" as a woman. By doing this, I achieved a level of understanding of how I presented. Over several years of trying, I was able to make it to a level of being passable as a "professional" woman just getting off of work and attending the party. From there I was able to build a fragile confidence I could survive in the real world if I ever could pursue my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Then, my fragile confidence would help me to jump more of my barriers. 

Also, there were the barriers which were all fake. I found out many existed only in my mind and I was making my own life so much more difficult. I likened it to running an obstacle course in the Army when you had to make split second decisions on real or fake targets. False obstacles included me judging the acceptance or non acceptance from strangers. Those were the times I thought I had acceptance only to have a passive aggressive person stab me in the back. It was all the more difficult because I wanted so badly to be accepted in the world as a  woman when in reality all I should have been looking for was to be accepted as me. Again confidence and a new circle of women friends helped me to get over this major barrier. 

Another point I needed to consider was my choice to pursue hormone replacement therapy or HRT. In many ways, my choice was the point of no return on my journey. Once I sought out a doctor to administer the new medications (and was accepted) the changes began nearly immediately and helped me to conquer more completely the external appearance barrier. As I changed, I learned also how much the hormones would effect my overall being for the better. 

Now, at my age, I am tired of jumping  trans barriers but now have to face the number of new anti-transgender laws in the legislature. In fact, Ohio where I live is trying currently to pass a restrictive rest room bill in the state. All in all, I have resolved myself to doing the best I can and trying to always be sure I am voting for politicians who support me.  It's the least I can do.

I Was Ready to Face the World

Anniversary Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection 

It took me many, many years to finally realize I could do nothing else to prepare myself for living in the world as a full time transgender woman.

I began in essence, with a series of tests and/or challenges. Once I conquered (in my mind) the world of just going out at night when no one else was around and walking or driving around as a woman, I decided to try my feminine hand at actually shopping for my new clothes as a woman. I felt quickly accepted in this stage of my life because I didn't realize immediately store clerks mainly were interested in my money and didn't really care who or what I was. Plus, a few clerks even had enough expertise to recommend wardrobe items which were flattering to my body shape. Up to that time, I did not have the knowledge to give myself the best possible chance to present well in my new gender. 

With my new found knowledge and confidence I could make it, I expanded my small universe to the next level. The next level to me was stopping at upscale restaurants for lunch and a drink when I went out shopping. By trying this, I was able to increase my one on one time with the public. Again, I learned fairly quickly I could adjust to life, feel natural doing it and have the desire to try more and more new situations as a woman. I was fueled again by the basic confidence I could do it. In fact, confidence became my best and most important accessory. Much more important than the latest designer handbag I purchased. The only setbacks I encountered were in my communication skills. Very early on, I tried to mimic the cis-woman's voice I was talking to and go from there. I still have vocal problems for a number of reasons but was helped by going to feminine vocal therapy courses the Veteran's Administration began to offer. I still refer to my old homework to this day to do my best to find and project my feminine voice.

Once I had made it to this step, I started to challenge where I was going as a transgender woman and seeing if I could establish myself. Sometimes it worked and on other occasions, I failed miserably when I tried to force myself into venues where I was unwanted. These were the occasions when I even had the police called on me for trying to use the rest room. I learned, survived and somehow still retained the courage to move forward and explore the world. 

Through it all, I attempted to keep moving forward. After all I was learning if I could indeed attempt one of the most difficult tasks a human can do by crossing the gender frontier. I did not want to try it without exploring all my options because so much was at stake. If I was a poker player, I had to decide if I was going to throw all my life chips into the middle of the table and go for the win. 

It was around this time when I began to find good women friends who helped me with my decision. Learning feminine skills which came naturally to them became my biggest goal. Finally I went to their finishing school, graduated and was able to face the world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly never look back to my stressful unwanted male life.  

Tomorrow Is Dental Day

All Smiles from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

Tomorrow is one of the days I have to go in for a dental cleaning appointment. For better or for worse, I have been going to the same dental office for several years now. When I filled out all the information I needed to provide for the dental profile, I was impressed with the amount of the gender information they required ,meaning they even had a category for transgender women and how you preferred to be addressed.  Of course, all of that is well and good but seeing it in action is another.  

The good part is from day one nearly everyone in the office has been gender affirming to me. In fact I was surprised when immediately everyone used the "she" pro-nouns with me. Since my teeth were not in the best condition, I appreciated any positive feelings I could get. Following losing my upper teeth and getting fitted for upper dentures, I resolved to take the best care that I could to my bottom teeth. Twice a day, without fail, I brush with a powered tooth brush, rinse and floss.  So, if I don't have a good appointment tomorrow, I will be disappointed. 

By this time, you are probably thinking what does any of this have to do with being transgender.  Quite a bit actually. Back in the day before I took the expensive and drastic step to have my missing and jagged upper teeth replaced, I was afraid to smile. In the process, I came off as unfriendly or worse yet a bi-ch. It turned out by not being able to smile, people came out thinking the worse of me. I needed to have new teeth to improve my appearance and personality. Plus, it turned out timing was everything because shortly after I improved my smile, my new glasses came from the Veteran's Administration. I was able to upgrade my appearance quickly. 

The only problem I have with my dental day tomorrow is how much I will have to pay. I have a basic dental insurance I buy myself which covers part of my visit. So, depending upon what the insurance covers I have to pay the rest. Even though I have been putting money back for the visit, I am on Social Security. I have written recently how much anxiety I have over the possible federal government default which is coming quickly. For those of you who don't know my checks which I paid into during my entire working life could be postponed. However, instead of re-scheduling my appointment,  I decided to go ahead and possibly spend money I don't really have. 

The nice part about going tomorrow is the money should be the worst part. Maybe it is the future of dentistry as it stands now.  

Coffee Shop Nights

Image from Jon Tyson
on UnSplash

 I am a big fan of mentioning how I managed to go through several layers of gender transition once I seriously decided to leave my male life behind.

Once I decided I was comfortable in my own skin as a transgender woman, I needed to branch out and see if I could establish myself in other circles as a feminine person. I was fortunate in that I had Liz to partially lead the way. What happened was, we joined certain groups through a Cincinnati social app which matched like minded individuals. One that really stands out was a group interested in others with creative pursuits. The people included everyone from Poets and writers, all the way to crafters. Even though I had never knitted a day in my life, I accompanied Liz (who does) to knitting groups. I made up for my ignorance by enjoying a good cup of coffee in the shop where we met. 

There were other coffee shops where we met to as the creative group. One in particular was a wonderful old shop which fit our ideas completely. The company was good and the ideas flowed. Most of all, I appreciated I was treated as a person, transgender or not. The entire process was a real step forward in my coming out process. First I had successfully released myself from my closet, started hormone replacement therapy and started a new life. And, secondly now I had the chance to successfully live it with others who up to that time were strangers. The coffee shop nights were exciting and fun in the new world which was opening to me. If you are just emerging from your closet and live in a larger populated area, seeking out group apps with people of similar interests to yours can sometimes be a real aide in your gender transition. 

Sadly, not all the groups we sought out as a couple (Liz and I) were so accepting. One in particular is vivid in my mind to this day. The group was a lesbian social group. Since Liz identifies as a lesbian, she always was a part of the group and tried to bring me in also. I tried and was roundly rejected. I was surprised in that in the past I had lesbian friends and were basically always accepted in their circles. But on this occasion I wasn't and Liz left the group. 

Back on the positive side of the ledger, Liz was also Wiccan and wanted to involve me in her circle of friends also. I was accepted into her circle with no questions asked and new social interactions were established. Again it is important to note how valuable all of these functions helped me to develop my new woman into a more well rounded person. I had managed to come a long way from my singular days in the mirror. 

Socializing with new people over a good cup of coffee helped me to come out of my shell and interact with the world again. Living an existence I never thought possible. 

 

 

Why Now? A Transgender Dilemma

Image from Karla Herandez on 
UnSplash

Every once in a while I see a transgender sister in my age bracket being hassled for starting to transition later in life. 

Since I didn't begin a very serious gender transition until I was in my early sixties, I feel their pain when someone mentions they aren't trans enough. For some reason, the person applying the pressure to be transgender enough doesn't realize why the transitioning person felt the need to wait before seriously going down their gender path. There are many reasons. Primarily, life gets in the way. Examples are many and simple such as families which come along as well as friends and employment. 

I was guilty of considering all of those as I put off finally transitioning. Plus, it was true on occasion, I did enjoy the benefits of attaining a certain level of success in my largely unwanted male world. By male standards I was bringing home a better than average income while I became fairly proficient at managing larger groups of people in stressful situations. I was able to use my spendable income to treat myself and my second wife to dining out as well as attending large select sporting events we both liked. Even though I was treading water as a male, nearly always something was always missing. I wondered how everything I did would feel if I did it as a woman. 

Another point I need to make in why I waited so long to finally complete my gender transition was along the way, I was experimenting with how I was doing as a woman. I attempt to explain away the years I was trying to see if I could make it as a transgender woman as the years I was a very serious cross dresser or transvestite. During my fifty year journey to my gender truth, I could say also the world caught up with me. When I started and for years after, there was no internet or social media to connect others to me with similar gender pursuits. From there I learned nearly anything could be possible if I worked hard enough to do it. I just had to figure it out.

Perhaps along the way, I was a slow learner as I refused to look my truths in the face and see feminine. Gender dysphoria was a huge problem too. Some days I did see feminine when I looked in the mirror and some days male. Which in many ways continues to this day. I was furthered confused by the public I dealt with in those days who referred to me in the feminine sense when they weren't even thinking. What was I to make of that? What I did make of that was they were seeing past my male exterior into who I truly was. 

The simplest answer to all the doubters of my "trans-ness" is get over yourself. Without a doubt I have been a transgender woman my entire life. My dilemma was trying to learn how to express it.