A Spectator in my Own Life

 

Image from Author JJ Hart

There were many times in my life when I felt as if I was a spectator in my own life.

From the first glimpse in a mirror when I cross dressed as a girl, all the way to when I first went out determined to be a woman rather than just look like one, often I was on the outside looking in. Being on the outside was certainly not a great place to be. I literally spent decades of my life worrying about where I actually stood with my gender issues.

Along the way, I grew tired of being the spectator and wanted more inside information on how the feminine system I so admired worked. I discovered the hard way, I was not going to be allowed to learn more until I made the drastic step of increasing my transitioning efforts. Naturally, it was very difficult to do when I was totally immersed in leading a male life which I had become quite successful at doing. Overall, I was becoming the victim when it came to my life as a whole. I kept wondering why me when it came to my desire to live as a transgender woman. I finally had to shake it off and move forward with my gender transition before I lost everything I knew in life. 

It turns out the real culprit was myself.  I was afraid to face my truth and it cost me. I even tried to out run my desire to live as a woman by moving and switching jobs. Once I talked my wife into moving from our native Ohio to the New York City metro area. Then back again a couple years later. Living in different parts of the country was certainly an eye opening experience but did very little to help my gender issues. On the rare occasions it did like the night on Long Island when I went to a transvestite mixer and the hosts thought I was a cis-woman was flattering but did me no good the next morning when I crashed back into my male life. Then my poor wife had to put up with my mood swings.

Still I was a spectator in my own life when I walked down the long hallway in heels to get carded for my true gender to the times I did the family grocery shopping in sweaters, mini skirts and flats, I wondered who was that? It took me years to come to the conclusion the other feminine person was me and she had a right to be here in my life. Slowly but surely, I was building the life experiences needed to cross the gender border but it kept taking me so much time. I kept running into so many road blocks, I thought I was some sort of a gender construction engineer. 

Regardless as time flew by, it was time to put my gender cards on the table to finally determine which gender was going to be the primary provider in my life. What I attempted to do was live as much as I could as a novice transgender woman to see if the lifestyle was for me. Even though initially I did not attempt to do it, the trans life rapidly snuck up on me. Before I knew it and maybe before I was ready, I began to carve out a brand new life as a woman. Quickly I needed to develop feminine communication skills which was difficult for me to do since I was overwhelmingly dealing with other women in my life.

Through it all, slowly I grabbed total control of my life and became a spectator any time I was forced back into my old unwanted male life. In other words, I finally faced my own truth and flipped the ultimate gender script in my life.    

Luck or Destiny?

 

Image from Jan Tinneberg 
on UnSplash 
 

Is transitioning successfully across the gender frontier a matter of luck or destiny? 

I would argue a blend of both when it came to me. When I first started to explore the world as a novice transgender woman, I knew very little of what I was doing. Primarily in how I was attempting to present myself in the world as a woman. I was wearing what no other women would think of wearing as my male ego was sending me false messages. During this learning time in my life, I was lucky I only was laughed at or stared at. Sometimes I am surprised someone did not sneak up on me and attempt to pull my wig off.

No one did and I moved on finally learning how to better blend into the feminine world I was seeking to be a part of. Maybe, destiny was on my side for a change and even in my darkest hours of being a rejected transgender woman, I always thought there would be a future. So I pursued the sliver of hope I felt when I cross dressed and went out into the world. Just the smallest amount of gender euphoria kept me going towards my gender dreams. 

It took awhile of finally being lucky and being at the right place at the right time, when I started to actually began to build confidence in what I was attempting to do with my gender. Maybe I could put all those self doubts behind me and carve out a new life as a transgender woman. In some sort of a deep dark way in my mind, destiny was still pushing me forward. Especially in the times when I was out doing Christmas shopping for my wife as a woman and taking the time to enjoy all the holiday decorations in a way I had never had before. In fact, as my male self, I always wondered if I would feel any different with the decorations if I could ever view them as a transgender woman. My answer was a resounding yes, I could.

Luck and destiny did not end with holiday celebrations as I was just learning how to adjust to my new feminine life. Destiny showed me what it would be like when I began to lose my white, male privileges. The first time I obviously felt I was losing my intelligence stands out when I was mansplained over the simplest of topics as well I was shocked when I lost the personal security men enjoy. It was probably more luck than destiny which led me through unscathed and wiser. 

It wasn't until much later in life did I realize I was always destined to lead a feminine life. All my lucky escapes and experiences had combined to guide me ahead to my goal which sometimes I fought completely from happening. I did not know how much destiny was guiding my life. So much so, it was like a huge cloud lifted after tragedy of my second wife's passing. Suddenly I was free to pursue any gender life I wanted. At the same time, the US Veterans Administration health care system I was part of began to administer gender affirming hormones to veterans such as me.   And finally I was close enough to retirement age, I would not have to worry about working as a trans woman to support myself when I transitioned. 

There was no luck involved. Suddenly destiny had opened its door wide and showed me the path forward to a new feminine life I gad only dreamed of. All I needed to do was take the opportunity and run with it. 

Transgender Inspiration

The late Lynn Conway.

 In my formative years growing from a beginning cross dresser into a novice transgender woman, there were very few inspirations for me to follow. One of the few I knew about was the very accomplished and talented Lynn Conway, a computer scientist and electrical engineer.  

Deep down I knew I was not on the same level as Conway and the very few I did know about followed the same path as most transsexuals face when they transition into a feminine life. We were expected to leave our past behind, have all the needed operations and relocate ourselves to start over. Since I was my usual stubborn self, I could not see me going down all of the same roads as well known transsexuals. In fact, I knew a couple trans women nearby who were ready to go down the surgical road and change their lives forever. 

As in most cases each of their lives were totally different than mine. So they were more of an interest to me than an inspiration. By getting to know them closer, I had hoped to gain more knowledge of what I would face if I decided to go further with my own gender transition. I did learn, as I went on, everything was different when I was living as a transgender woman. I had my own preconceived ideas of how it would be to live as a woman from all the years I had spent closely observing the women around me. However I found most of my conceptions were wrong as I slipped behind the gender curtain. The prime example was how I was presenting myself as a woman. I wasn't dressing to blend in and was drawing unneeded attention to myself. My efforts came from my old male ego dictating my fashion and wardrobe. I had no inspiration to guide me the correct way.

I think I tried to use my second wife as inspiration but I was just not in the proper mental space to accept her criticism. In other words, my feminine self had not had the chance to grow up past my adolescent years as a trans woman. During those years, happiness was looking very lonely as my wife and I constantly fought over my appearance among other things. I think she knew she was fighting a losing battle as my internal feminine self fought with her all the time. Every now and then, I did talk her in to going out to eat as two girls and I really tried to dress down for the date. As a matter of fact, if I dressed down any more, I might as well just have gone as my male self. 

I was getting nowhere fast in my quest to learn more about being a quality transgender woman, so I was forced out on my own. Which added in it's own set of problems. Primarily, here I was sneaking around behind my wife's back to see if I could live as a woman. In doing so, I found I could create another life. Furthering the divide between my wife and I.

The divide widened until her death and inspiration or not, I continued on with my search for my feminine self. What I discovered was, she was with me all along. Just waiting for a chance to live. When she did, she became my own inspiration and I never looked back. In many ways I found she adopted many of the mannerisms and personality of my Mom, who was very outspoken and not shy. I admired her so much, I took her first name as my middle name when I legally changed my gender markers. 

These days, with all the internet and social media access transgender inspiration is much easier to come by and we need the inspiration with all the negative coming our way from politicians. We have to do all we can to keep the positives coming.

It Was Never Easy

I am amused when anyone thinks my gender journey has ever been an easy one. 

To begin with, I was born into a very male dominated family. Being the oldest son of two, I had heavy male expectations forced on me. Very early on, I learned I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not belong in the male world at all. The problem was coming to the knowledge I did not belong as I was sneaking around my family's back to cross dress as a girl. As I remember, I had two hiding places for my small collection of feminine wardrobe and makeup. 

The first place was up in the attic of our family garage and the second was more creative when I discovered a hallowed out tree trunk in a woods next door to my house. What I did was use plastic trash bags to protect my precious belongings from the elements and it provided an extra way I could be alone and dress which relieved (for a day or two) my gender tension. So none of my drastic measures were easy but I survived without anyone detecting my secret, to my knowledge. 

As years went by and my life as a girl began to be more complex, I was pressured to do more and more to protect my life. Sneaking around became more intense as my wardrobe increased, along with my knowledge of the makeup arts. In all fairness to me, I attempted to ease my gender pain, I told my first and second wives ahead of our marriage I was a transvestite or cross dresser which I thought would help my world. My idea worked for awhile, until I essentially out grew the idea I simply wanted to wear women's clothes and makeup. More and more I wanted to be a woman.

Making the jump from cross dresser to transgender woman often was brutal. Partially because I still had my male life to contend with. It probably would have been easier on me if I was not involved in such a male intensive job which automatically would completely throw me totally and publicly back into a world I never wanted. Ironically, my life as a man I worked so hard to build was now in direct competition with a feminized life I was growing into. 

At the same time, my biggest challenge became was deciding if I was transgender at all, Could I continue a life where I lived in both binary genders temporarily or would I need to choose between being a man or a woman. I ran from the decision for years before I grew so tired of running I could go no farther. Making a decision was never an easy one but one I needed to make. Finally, one night I had yet another soul searching discussion with myself and decided to live a life as a transgender woman. The world as I knew it was showing me the way. For the first time in my life I was single and did not have to worry about a spouse to deal with when I changed.

I went even further and decided to go to a doctor to see if I was healthy enough to begin gender affirming hormones. I was and my body took to them very rapidly, making my decision to give away what was left of my male wardrobe to charity and add to my feminine wardrobe. It was not easy to make the decision but it was easy to live with the results. I only knew my new feminine life would never be easy but still would so much better than the life I had lived,

It was never an easy life and my gender dysphoria certainly did not make it any easier. Waking up in the morning after dreaming if I was a boy or a girl never got my day started on a good foot. All of it became some sort of a daily routine I never wanted. With all the highs and lows, somehow I learned to live with it all. 

It is NOT a Choice

Image from Alexander Grey 
on UnSplash

I still get aggravated when someone says being transgender is a choice.

Realistically, why would I have ever chosen to live the life I am living. Would I have made the choice to give up everything I worked so hard to achieve just to put on a dress, makeup and heels and attempt to live a feminine life. All the material benefits I had acquired as part of my life as a white male privileges disappeared for good, if I wanted them to to or not.

Suddenly, I learned the hard way what it was like to have my personal security threatened as well as being mansplained when I attempted to insert my feelings on a topic I knew quite a bit about. Quickly I discovered many examples. I nearly found out the hard way, if I dressed too provocatively at a mixer, I would be cornered and harassed by an over bearing transvestite admirer. In an instant, I learned how it would be to be a helpless woman being overwhelmed by a much larger man. Not a pleasant experience and it was not all of my lessons. One night when I was blissfully minding my own business on a dark city sidewalk, I was approached by two sketchy men wanting a handout. Fortunately, I still had a lone five dollar bill for them and they went on their way. From then on my new feminine common sense began to grow and I started to develop the gender protective sense all women acquire as part of their life experiences.

None of what I was experiencing was a choice and not part of me being validating  myself as a woman. All I needed to know was I had no choice but to follow my path if I was able to look myself in the mirror and know I was doing the right thing. Coupled with the natural feelings I was experiencing, my supposed choice was made. 

I knew over a span of time, I would learn to deal with being mansplained was something I just had to deal with as a transgender woman. I will never forget the day I had to sit in a tow truck and be subjected to being bored when the driver was telling me how the truck worked. Finally, I gave him my best blond act until he finished all his rock bottom explanations. On one of my few dates with men, quickly I found I knew nothing about subjects such as sports and politics.

Why would I choose to be something as difficult as being a woman? My entire life became dedicated to proving the world wrong. I could carve out and experience a new life as a transgender woman and thrive. But again, I needed to prove all the naysayers wrong. The only natural feminine attribute I started with was my brain. Which for some reason, kept telling me I was doing life completely wrong because I was living it as a male instead of my more natural female. Finally, all the pressure to change and all the stress to explore the world as a trans woman. I was living in a world of alternate facts which was increasingly too complex to handle. I came to the point where I felt as an impostor when I went out of the house as a man. Can you imagine that? Feeling as an impostor when you attempt to live as your birth gender. It happened to me.

All the process proved to an outsider is gender issues are not a choice. During the process none of us understands, we are born into system we never asked for. The path is often a bumpy one with plenty of curves and stop signs. We have to wait our turn before we move on. 

For any number of reasons, the true number of transgender women and trans men may never be known. One thing is for sure, there are many more hidden transgender individuals waiting to take their turn and enter the world. Regardless of all the negative publicity we receive, transgender people have been around forever and will remain a part of the human experience. After all, we don't have a choice.

Building from the Inside Out

 

Image from Brooke Cagle
on UnSplash

Years ago I began to understand I was building a new human being from the inside out.

I began to realize it when a person very close to me told me how fortunate I was to be able to start over in the world as a transgender woman. At first I was scared, could I really re-create myself as a woman and at the same time achieve my ultimate feminine dream. Following years of living and training, I found I could indeed live a life as a trans woman.

Before I did, I needed to decide what old male baggage I would have to discard or adjust to the fact I would have to bring it with me. It was difficult since I decided to seriously began my gender transition at the age of sixty, I had years to consider what to do with my baggage. Initially, I was part of the old transsexual school which believed you had to totally uproot your life and move when you transitioned and start all over. The problem I had was, there was some baggage from my old life I wanted to bring with me. For example, I wanted to try to preserve contact with my family and wondered if my wife (who I loved completely) would ever accept me. Not to mention other key points of my life including my passion for watching sports. 

Fairly quickly, as I transitioned, I was able to indirectly control all I was building from the inside out. By this time, I had worked out most of the appearance or fashion challenges I faced, allowing me to work on expressing my internal self. First of all, I learned my only child accepted me totally and my only sibling (a brother) did not. Sadly, we have not communicated in over a decade now. I know I have survived and I have assumed he has also and we moved on. Since I was now a different person now and he is entrenched in his ways, I am sure it has all been for the best although it hurt me how he handled it by rejecting my invitation to the family's annual Thanksgiving feast.

In many ways, having the opportunity to rebuild myself was terrifying yet exciting. Along the way, I found I needed to transition again. Mainly when I finally decided to make the mental move from cross dresser to transgender woman. I say mental move because I wasn't doing anything outwardly any different as I was doing my best to put my best appearance foot forward as a woman. I knew if I was successful, there would be no turning back on my gender path. It was a huge continuing beginning in the process of leaving my male world behind.

By this time, I was well on my way of deciding what baggage I could bring with me and what I could leave behind. I was preparing to give what was left of my male clothes to a charity and I had fairly quickly established myself as a regular in a couple of the big sports bars I had frequented as a guy. By doing so, I could meet my small group of new women friends I had met and watch the games we all enjoyed. My new life was coming together from the inside out and I was loving it. 

Even still, it sometimes took all the concentration I had to remember I was living a new life and I needed to rely on my inner female to carry it out. By doing so, I was able to say what I was thinking and not screw it up by injecting any of my old toxic male self. The only thing I could rely on was my new friends and their reaction to me since they had no clue of the old me. It was very liberating to say the least. 

Overall, I have to say, building the interior person was more intense when compared to the exterior woman the world saw. Especially when I needed to communicate more and more with the public as my new self. When I did build from the inside out, I learned to live my truth and empower my life as a transgender woman.

  

Gender Shape Shifter

 

Witches Ball Halloween
Image,

For years I obsessed with  the idea I basically was  just a shape shifter between my male and female selves. 

All of this coincided with the time I spent as a very serious cross dresser. Basically, all if my idle thoughts were grounded in my feminine appearance. Time I wished I could get back. As my feminized presentation became better, the more I felt more than just a shape shifter. Especially when I began to explore the world as a transgender woman.

My gender ideas were changing primarily because I quit thinking I was fooling the world and began to know I was living as my authentic self. So if the other person was a transphobe and did not like me, it was their problem, not mine. My mind had made a difficult yet important shift when I began to believe in myself. 

At the same time, ironically, my shape shifting became easier. I became more comfortable in the world and at the same time more confident. I found confidence to be my main feminine accessory. Much more so than my favorite jewelry, heels or wigs. Looking another in the eye was much more important when I used the women's room and other places I needed to communicate. Without confidence, I might as well just stayed home and watched television with my miserable male self. I was not shape shifting any longer, I was me.

When I did, I found I was so much happier and I wanted to push the feminine envelope I was living farther and farther. It was all good, until all of my actions put me on a collision course with my second wife who never approved of any ideas of me transitioning any more into a transgender world. I had put myself firmly between the rock and the hard place when it came to my gender issues. To attempt to survive, I did the best I could to live out my dual life I was living. I would over achieve in my work world as a man, then at the same time try to explore the world as a woman.

The more in-depth I became living a dual life as an accomplished shape shifter, the more pressure I felt to do something about it. In the meantime, I was doing things such as shopping for my wife's Christmas gifts as a woman. When I was successful, I was encouraged to do more and more as I suddenly began to feel secure in the world. 

Finally, I came to the point when I cross dressed as a man, I felt foreign as if I was shape shifting again and wanted no part of it. Happily, by that time I was able to try gender affirming hormones which femininized me even further. I enjoyed the effects so much, it was an easy decision for me to never go back to my male world. Being free of gender shape shifting was quite the enlightening experience. 

I Knew my Life had ro Change

Pride Image from Christian Lue
on UnSplash.

As I grew more proficient in the art of feminine makeup and fashion, the possibility of leading a feminine life grew more and more feasible. 

When it did, I experienced certain moments of knowing I could never go back to my male life and I was lying to myself if I thought I could. Still I was stubborn and refused to listen and I was uncontrollable in my search for my true gender. I resorted to self destructive behavior such as self medicating my mental health with alcohol. 

An example was when I cross dressed and went out into the world. What happened was I was emboldened when I drank to do more. I chose and was accepted in a few venues I was used to going to as a guy. Even though I was radiating with anxiety, I managed to calm down and change the way I was thinking. I went from thinking I was trying to get by in the world as a man cross dressed as a woman to thinking I was actually a transgender woman trying to find herself in the world. It was a dramatic change to say the least and quite a bit to comprehend. Specifically, I remember vividly the night in question as once I arrived as a transgender woman, the more I knew I could never return. 

Return I never did. I was firmly occupied in my quest to be the best trans woman I could be. Including researching what my second wife was telling me. She kept saying I made a terrible woman which had nothing to do with my appearance. It had everything to do with how I conducted myself in a new feminine world which I learned I knew nothing about. No one would let me behind the gender curtain until I made the first move. The move meant so much more than just obsessing on how I looked and went into how I acted as the new feminine person I desperately wanted to be. The learning process turned out to be more intricate than I ever imagined. 

Time and time again, communication skills stood firmly in my way when a stranger (mostly other women) wanted to invade my little world. I don't know what I thought was going to happen but what did happen startled me. I needed to do my best to talk to the world as a transgender woman. Matching my external self with what my internal self was feeling. No longer could I try to render myself invisible and visible at the same time. No more going out to buy myself a drink and enjoying it by myself. I think now the last time I did it was when I treated myself to a date night as a woman. I went to an outdoor concert one night to watch an aging blues rock and roll star. I managed to have an enjoyable time and knew right then I had made the right decision and I would not be attending any other events as my old male self.

I knew my life had to change and I was changing it. At times, the process seemed to be agonizingly slow but at others, so fast I wondered if I could handle it. I weathered all the changes and turned them into progresses. I procrastinated my final changes as long as I could. I quit lying to myself and jumped off the gender cliff. Never to return to a male world I never should have been in to begin with. Gender affirming hormones sealed the deal and my body took to them as if they always should have been a part of me. Finally, it never occurred to me the feminine hormones may have somehow been a part of me to begin with.

Maybe the hormones were to blame for a lifetime of gender stress and tension. I will be the last to know.     

The Long Search

Early in my
search.

The problem I often ran into during my life was taking my eyes off the goal and becoming lost.  

Perhaps my biggest problem was I did not have a clear cut gender goal. Essentially, I was wondering around just trying to get by as I cross dressed my male self in the mirror.  The work I put it sadly only lasted me a few days before the thrill of being femininized wore off and I was firmly back in my male world. The long search for better results resumed.

It took me years to realize the ultimate end to my search was me facing my own truth. Until I did, all the mirrors and Halloween parties in the world would not help me. Still, I was very stubborn and did not want to give up on all of the privileges of my white male life. I wanted my gender cake and a chance to eat it too. I suffered totally because of my idea I could live a life somewhere between both of the main binary genders. The long search went on as I struggled. 

Keep in mind also for over a half a century I searched for my gender identity and the entire journey had it's ups and downs. The ups happened when I was able to present realistically as a woman and the downs when I could not and engaged in self destructive behavior with myself and worse yet those around me who I loved. I did many things I am not proud of today but can not get back.

The search also led me to abusing alcohol and my mental health. Through therapy, I was able to salvage my mental health and fortunately, I was able to curtail my drinking before it caused permanent damage. So my search continued in better shape than it was in before. Plus, I was really able to step up my feminine presentation game to help my confidence when I went out. Through much more work than I can ever admit to, I arrived at the point where I could ghost my male self altogether and leave him behind. 

It was only then when I gathered the courage to end my long search and face my reality My search led me to the spot where I needed to finally accept the fact I needed to fill in the gender blanks in my life. I learned I was born to be feminine and was forced into a male life I really never wanted. Even still, I lived on in a mostly male life I felt guilty being in. It was time to put all my gender lies behind me and end the long search for good. 

I will forever resent I took so long to face my truth but it is something I will have to live with. My goal now is to live a positive transgender existence in my life. Now that the search is over.  

Check Up and More

 

Out to eat with Liz on Left.

Yesterday turned out to be a busy day for a number of reasons. So much so, I am really enjoying my cup of coffee this morning. The extra caffeine is needed and appreciated. 

Back to the day I just went through. I knew I had an appointment with the dermatology department at the downtown Cincinnati Veterans Administration hospital. I was referred there by my local VA clinic because of several spots I had on my face which concerned them and me. At my age of seventy four, I was naturally concerned the spots were pre cancerous, or worse. 

The good news was the two bigger spots were not cancer and could be taken care of with a liquid nitrogen spray they had on hand and the smaller spot was sprayed also. Just in case. So I was very relieved. I was also happy I was treated with respect by the entire team of a doctor, a doctor in training plus a medical student who was following them around. The older doctor even referred to me as "young lady" which I found humorous and thanked me for my service. 

Liz took the day off to take me to the hospital which is in a very congested area of Cincinnati. I always appreciate her doing it because if worse comes to worse and parking is at a premium, I won't have to walk along way. Especially during the heat we are experiencing. As it turned out, the trip to the hospital was not the only driving congestion she was going to have to drive in. Her son's car lost it's brakes and he needed a ride to work which was easier said than done. His job location is a good half hour away in busy interstate traffic and Liz ended up driving it four times in two days. I specifically was glad she was off and I did not have to do it. The car shop was able to fix it and we go back to pick it up today.

In the meantime, I wanted to celebrate my good medical news with a visit to our favorite Mexican restaurant. I always feel at home there and last night was no exception. No one paid me any extra attention and the food was good. Even Liz's son, who was feeling bad decided to eat something and felt better. 

By the time we arrived back home, I was exhausted and ready for my nightly ice cream treat before bedtime and was able to relax and enjoy it also.

Speaking of enjoying something, my first VA LGBTQ support group session came off fairly well. I did not say much and let the veterans who saw the most combat action do the talking. Since what I did was support combat troops in a situation where we were attacked a couple times at the air base I was working at in Thailand, I felt as if the others should speak more. Plus, unless the others were deployed overseas most had never heard of the American Forces Radio and Television Service I worked for anyhow. It turns out the session is scheduled weekly, I missed the second one because of a previous commitment I will have to see if I will go back or not. 

For me, the next month is going to be busy. I have to schedule my annual mammogram, get a new drivers license and get the transmission fluids in the car changed among other things. Being forced out of my comfort zone with the public keeps me more active and challenged to take on the world before this very important election. For our future, vote Harris/Walz!

Broken

 

Ohio River image from the
Archives of Jessie Hart.

I am selfish, I want all the time back when I felt I was broken somehow because of my gender issues or dysphoria. 

The way I look at it, I lost years when I stressed over what gender I wanted to be in my day to day life. If I just had a portion of it back how much more I could have accomplished. 

I guess the problem would have been, if I had followed my truth, how many barriers outside of my control would have been placed in my way to stop my progress. For example, I can not imagine any scenario where my parents would have accepted me switching over from my boy self to live as a girl. The best case would have been endless, fruitless trips to a therapist who knew little to nothing about gender issues and back in those days, I would have been labeled with some sort of a mental illness.

If I had gone the route of trying to live as my authentic feminine self at an early age, I would have been broken to start with and have had no chance to change it. So, I needed to develop ways to cope with my broken situation. Early on, I resorted to wearing what I could of my Mom's clothes and buying my own makeup to experiment with. It was a fairly easy fix to get me by until I could risk my life by trying to cross dress again. If I was caught, I knew all hell would break loose in my family. Somehow, I hid my emotions and desires and got by.

As the years flew by, I became used to feeling broken and so alone in my gender issues. I had only one friend who seemed to feel the same way and he ended up moving several states away before I could find out if he shared my desire to be feminine. I ended up with another dead end and feeling broken again.

Fortunately, all this negativity has a good ending. I finally learned I was not broken at all. Society was and all I had to do was learn to exist in my own little transgender world. Not to say, the whole process did not take a tremendous amount of work but it all turned out to be a singular gender effort which was so worth it. Plus, I needed to remove the chip from my shoulder I felt from worrying about all the time I had wasted in my life before I made the all out effort to femininize myself and live my truth. Time is nothing you can ever get back, so I hoped I could learn from my losses. 

I had so much help along the way when I became older and more secure in my gender. Hopefully they all realized I was not trying to live a lie and just was trying to get by and it was the reason we all could become friends. During our lives, we meet so many people who are just passing through and a few leave lasting impressions, I was just lucky I met positive ones. People who showed me I was not broken and never had been.

Transgender Guilt

Image from Civil War Cemetery
Cincinnati, Ohio.

 For many years I felt guilty about having my gender issues.

After all, I felt so alone in my desire to leave my male self behind and live in a feminine world. Not only was I alone, I even was scorned when I tried to express my desires. As I grew through the stages of being a weekend cross dresser into a novice transgender woman, I waited for the guilt to go away or at the least diminish. It never did. In fact, my guilt increased. 

Factors arose such as what would I tell my daughter and my wife, all the way to how I would manage to support myself and my family when it seemed I could lose everything if I transitioned. Selling my life out to be a woman seemed at times to be such a selfish idea and I felt guilty. So much guilt, it stressed me out so badly it wrecked my already fragile mental health. I would not have wished my gender problems on my worst enemy and even a bigger problem I had was there were few people I could even talk to about it. 

Sure, I had a therapist, but even then I felt guilty of sacrificing my masculinity and talking about my inner feelings. I had a gender storm inside me I could not get out and I was stuck between a cruel rock and a hard place. The reason was I was trying to live in both of the main binary gender worlds. For three days, I was learning if I could exist in a feminine world and in the next three days I had to go back to my boring male world. On the extra day, sometimes I lived in both genders, at least in my head. Of course doing all of this did nothing to relieve the guilt I felt on how I was living my life.

The more I lived my life between the genders, the more I could see what was coming. I was lying to myself when I tried to tell myself my inner woman was winning the contest for my soul. When I was spending my three days experiencing life as a trans woman, I felt more alive and excited about my future than even before. At the same time, I still felt the doubt creeping in about if I could make it at all. Perhaps freedom from guilt was on the horizon if I could just make it. So, I kept trying different things to enhance my future.

As I always point out, my male self pulled out all the stops and threw in guilt as one of the main weapons to keep the status quo he always fought for. As he fought, he made sure he brought up all of the fond memories of the time we spent together. 

Finally, his efforts proved to be to no avail as I started to put together a new life as a transgender woman. It turned out he could not compete with my truth, I had always been destined to be feminine. It was an unfair fight, guilt or no guilt. I could take the battle no longer and gave in before the stress literally killed me. I will forever remember the night when I gave in to my feminine side and decided to research if I was healthy enough at the age of sixty to undergo gender affirming hormone therapy. Which would signal a point to me which I could never to back to life as a man. 

From that point forward, I was able to give the remainder of my male clothes away along with the guilt they carried with them. I moved forward to legally changing my name and all the identification documents which could be be legally done in my state and with the Veteran's Administration. I was doing my best to put all the transgender guilt as far as I could into my rear view mirror. 

Doing it With Mirrors

Image from Paulious
Dragiunous on 
UnSplash.

For a time, I thought my entire female life revolved around my interaction with mirrors. 

In many ways, it did as I could not wait until I could slip away from my family and spend time cross dressed as a girl in front of the mirror. I even had a special mirror I was very fond of. It seemed my Dad was thinking of me when he designed the house he built for us to live in. He laid out the house with a long hallway connecting the bedrooms and a bath and finished it off with a full length mirror. The mirror and the distance it provided gave me precious space to admire myself in the mirror as my femininized self.

The only problems I experienced were I had no feedback from the mirror and would not until I experienced the world as my novice feminine self. So, good or bad, I could convince myself I looked great when in fact I had so much work to do to achieve my goal of passing well in public. Even though I was still barely getting by in the public, I still relied on mirrors to get me by and reassure my mind I belonged. What I did was look for the nearest mirror in clothing stores to see how I looked. It turned to be a singular approach to presenting well with the world. 

There were times when I took my mirror worship to the extreme in stores, one in particular comes to mind. There was a coat discount store I was fond of going to since they had coats which came in my larger size. During my shopping trips I fell in love with a pale blue, wool mix, long coat which I thought looked great with my long blond hair. I so loved admiring myself in the store mirror so much, I thought someone would come up and tell me to buy it or leave. While it never happened, sadly, there was no way I could afford it and end up smuggling it into the house away from my wife. So I needed to leave my dream coat behind. 

It took me years to quit doing it with mirrors and begin to live my truth. It was still a struggle to leave my best friend behind. I had subconsciously trained myself to look for the nearest mirror to fall back on to to reassure myself I was an attractive transgender woman. It was a real struggle to rely on myself for a change without the mirror. All of a sudden, the public became my mirror and it was very difficult to adjust to because not all interactions were positive. I needed the confidence to look a transphobic individual in the eye and win the moment. At the least, the transphobe would have to walk away from the interaction thinking they had actually met a transgender woman and we were not so bad. 

The process of interacting with the public over time became automatic and my only interaction with the mirror became my morning check in or when I am applying makeup for a trip out. Ironically, now the mirror is not always my friend anymore. Now I still have to battle what is left of my gender dysphoria when I look in the mirror. Sometimes I see my old male self peeking through which I hate but others times I see a much more pleasant femininized version of my old self. When my old male self weighs in too heavily on me, now I have developed the coping skills to get by and put him back into his place.

Never, in my wildest dreams, did I think mirrors would play such an important part of my life. From the earliest days of cross dressing to my current days of dealing with gender dysphoria, mirrors have allowed me to survive.      

Kissing as a Contact Sport

Image from Brian Kyed 
on UnSplash

As a transgender woman, I have been at the crossroad many times of to kiss or not to kiss.

Before I proceed, I need to point out, all of this happened before I moved in over ten years ago with my wife Liz here in Cincinnati. 

The first time I was almost kissed as a woman was when I was entrapped by a much bigger than me trans admirer at a small party my second wife and I attended in nearby Columbus, Ohio. He cornered me in a small hallway and for the first time in my life I felt powerless to fend off another human being. Before he came in for a kiss, or so much more, I was rescued by my wife who told me not to wear such a leg revealing dress anyway with my long blond wig. Of course I did not listen and paid the price later on the way home.

Along the way, as I transitioned, I did kiss a few men, mainly to see what it was like. I was attempting to see if my sexuality was going to change with my gender or not. The interactions were few and included two date nights in the regular venues I went to plus another with a guy I met in a coffee shop. The dates ended up being one time affairs which was sad because I had a good time being validated as a woman by a guy but the coffee shop guy turned out to be multiple meetings before we went to his house. We did kiss passionately before he let it slip out he was married. When he did, I slipped out the front door, never to return. 

The only other man I had a crush on and wished he had kissed me was the big burly, motorcycle rider I befriended after his very short lived marriage to a woman I knew briefly. It turned out I was the only one in the group who didn't disown him and we became friends. But not good enough to be asked to ride on the back of his bike or be kissed. Very soon after I got to know him, he transferred jobs and I never saw him again.

From then on, it was back to kissing women for me. During the lesbian mixers I went to, I was kissed by several women I did not know and I was flattered. Along the way also, I did sneak a kiss in with my two party women friends and one was very sweet. Again, sadly a future relationship with all its complications was not to be and we both moved on but still stay in touch to this day.

All in all, kissing a man turned out to be a duty for me. Something which should be done in return for validating me as a woman. But the overall thrill or charge wasn't there to enable me to want to change my overall sexuality. Plus, I did learn how frustrating it could be to be wanted and not the person who was the pursuer. I found the other gender grass was not always greener, especially when I was basically trapped by a person much larger and stronger than me. 

It was all a lifetime learning experience of learning the ins and outs of kissing another person from both sides of the gender border. I learned my preference was always kissing a woman. As a woman. Especially when gender affirming hormones' gifted me with my own set of breasts to enjoy. Kissing as a contact sport became more fun.

Down but Not Out

 

First Girl's Night Out.
I am on the bottom row, left.

There have been many times during my transgender journey which I have felt down.

However, a little voice in my head kept telling me to keep going and if I did, I could achieve my dream of living a feminine life.  I write many times (mainly for those of you who are still new to the transgender or cross dressing world) how I was ridiculed intensely when I first tried to explore the public as a woman. After being laughed at, I always headed home in a hurry and tried to go back to the drawing board to try to determine what I was doing wrong. It took me awhile to figure out I needed to get past my male ego of what a woman should look like and into blending in with the rest of the female world. The mirror and my head turned out to be powerful opponents. 

I need to stress, it took me years of being down to turn my learning curve the opposite way and turn my frown into a smile when I was out in the world. Along the way, I needed to adjust my thinking on how I was accepted. I needed to realize I would never be the most attractive woman in the room and begin to fall back on my personality to get along. I was transgender and different but so what I was a good person. When I accomplished being at the least friendly to others, I began to be accepted into small groups of acquaintances who accepted me for my true self. In one of the venues I became a regular in, I have vibrant memories of a group of five diverse women and even a few men who I could set in with and have a beverage. 

It all proved to me I was resilient and could survive most things, including my growth as a transgender woman. Even though life was about ready to deal me several severe setbacks I was not expecting, I could make it. 

When life did hit me with setbacks, they were sledgehammer type blows. It seemed life was fond of giving me setbacks such as my wife passing away along with most of my best friends. It nearly finished me off when I had to close my restaurant I worked so hard to buy. More or less, I was left with my house, two dogs and an old car to re-erect my life. 

The old saying the darkest hour was right before the dawn was true for me  I was down but I had one huge card up my favorite blouse's sleeve. Since I was so far down why not start all over again as my dream self. My inner female had always been strong enough  to fight for her existence, so why no let her have it. Karma was on my side also, as it was about this time the Veterans Administration  health care system which I was already a part of suddenly approved the use of gender affirming hormones for transgender veterans. I only needed approval from a VA therapist to start the program. It turned out I was with Dr. C. my therapist for over ten years and she worked miracles for me.

Maybe it was because I was able to outlive a suicide attempt and years of self destructive behavior that I was able to come full circle in my life and end up on my heels. I was down but not out and discovered people in the world who could and would step up to accept me as my authentic self. Even though I needed to make the effort first. Which for me was very difficult. In the end, the whole process made me a better person.

Escalation or Escapism

Halloween image from the 
Archives. Min on right. 

During my life, I spent many uneasy moments in my transgender transition when I was caught between escalating my feminine gender craft or escaping back into my well worn, boring male world. 

The problem quickly became the more I escalated my attempts at being a girl, the more I wanted to do. More and more drama set in as I viewed myself in the mirror. Through it all, I wondered if I could ever put it all together and go out into the public as a novice transgender woman. Following years of escaping back, I finally did take a few tentative steps into the public eye. The first night I tried, I had decided to go to a small book and carry out convenience store just to see what would happen. I arrived and walked down the sidewalk near the store in a shopping center. As I tried to gather my courage to go into the store, I attempted to sneak a look at myself in the clothing store nearby. I could not really see my reflection and began to re-think my idea of going into the store I planned on. Then I decided my idea was not a good one and I headed home to escape back into my male self. 

For awhile, I felt relieved at my decision but then began to think I had taken the easy way out and if I continued on this path I would never discover if I could make it in the world as a transgender woman. Once I was able to locate and buy better fashion choices, including shoes and wigs, my mind started to change as far as escalating myself in the world. After going down a very bumpy road, my confidence increased to the point where I could try out the public again without escaping back to my safe male self. Even still, each time I did escape back, I grew increasingly disappointed in myself and very frustrated in the fact I was wasting all the time and effort I was putting into my femininization. 

Through all the ups and downs, I was slowly but surely gaining small amounts of confidence in what I was attempting to accomplish. In fact, I was scared of how intimidating the entire gender transition process was to me. Many times, I thought I was in too far over my head and was going to drown my entire existence in my quest to be a woman. Something always told me to keep going and the dream I was following would be worth it, so I continued to escalate my transition. 

At that point, one of the biggest surprises which happened to me occurred when I found out how welcoming other women could be. Very quickly I found women were way more apt to approach my feminine side and in return, I could learn how to interact with them also. There was nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. so escaping was out of the question. Mainly because I was living through one of the most exciting times of my life. Why would I ever want to escape. 

Still I found I needed to escalate my gender transition. My primary example was when I suddenly had a major mental shift one night when I was going out into the world. As I was going through what I was going to wear and how I was going to do my hair and makeup, it came to me I was no longer going out to trick the world into thinking I was a female, I was going out as a full-fledged transgender woman. I had taken my escalation to a whole other level and one I never wanted to go back to.  When I turned out to be successful. 

When my male life was crashing around me, the easy answer was to keep escalating into my feminine world. Which I did with gender affirming hormones. The magic little pills I started with almost immediately began to femininize my body and my inner emotions. To this day, when I change and apply my Estradiol hormone patches, I thank the powers to be I was healthy enough to undertake the program. 

I believe now, escalating into my feminine world saved my mental health and my life. The more confidence I gained as a transgender woman, the quicker my male self evaporated away. There would be no more escaping. 

Transgender Cheating

Image from Club Diversity 
Columbus, Ohio.

 I can safely say, I never cheated with another person during my twenty five year marriage to my second wife.

Before I put myself up on some unneeded pedestal, I have to temper my statement of cheating with saying I only cheated on my wife with one person, who was me. Why I say it is because the more I grew as a transgender woman, the more I grew apart from my wife. When I did, I started increasingly to leave the house as my feminine self to see if I could make it in the world. 

Of course, I did and when I was successful, I wanted more and more and I simply could not turn back into my male world. The more I celebrated my new world, it was done completely away from my wife. Which was a shame. I also define cheating as me going against the basic agreement we made which said I would never leave the house cross dressed as a woman. In fairness to her, she bent over backwards to make it happen. Even to the point of letting me go to a motel a couple times a week, so I could safely cross dress and explore the world. 

Even the motel agreement was not good enough for me. Very soon going out anytime my wife was working became the norm for me. My life suddenly became exciting and way too natural for me to ever return. 

The closest I ever came to really cheating came was with an encounter one night with a lesbian in a venue I was a regular in. She bought me a beer and told me she should take me home with her, which was flattering but scary since I needed to beat my wife home from work. There were a few other times my flirting almost got me into trouble mainly with other women but I never went forward with any personal contact.

Since my wife passed away very unexpectedly at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack, my vow never to cheat remained secure. Even my male self managed to never pursue any of the impossibly attractive servers he hired in his restaurants he ran. I was very proud of all of it but never was I proud of needing to lie and try to tell my wife to her face I was not going out on her with another woman. Which happened to be me. If I would have been truthful with both of us, I would left my male self behind long ago and set out to live a feminine one as a transgender woman. I was selfish and wanted to try to preserve what I had earned as a guy. The upside came when my girl self had been put into a brief submission and I enjoyed my time with my life more deeply. The downside came when the friction between my gender issues made my life nearly unbearable. 

I guess, deep down I knew my wife was ill and for the six months before she passed, I grew a beard and purged some of my feminine wardrobe. The final six were some of the most miserable I had ever faced but little did I know, it was going to get much worse before it was going to get better. Basically, through death and loss, the only strong influence on my life I had left came from my feminine self. She wrapped me in her soft arms and let me know everything was going to be alright. Her influence and my overall belief in what was right, tiding me over until my current wife Liz came into my life and reaffirmed my idea I was stubborn enough to live through my issues. Liz told me all she had ever seen in me was female and it was all it took for me to go wholeheartedly into doing away with my male self. 

I will forever be proud of the time I spent being faithful as my male self to my second wife and, on the other hand, be totally ashamed of myself of how my feminine self handled her life with my wife. Non unlike two strong women locked in a struggle. 

My excuse is I was learning my new life as a transgender woman and until I fully understood it, I was petrified of moving along.

   

Trans Weariness

A night out with my wife Liz on left.

Over the span of my life, I have gone through more than a few bouts of weariness.

I was especially tired of being made fun of when it took me many trips to the clothing stores to finally find the correct fashion so I could blend in with other women well enough to get by. Marching to the beat of my own fashion drum was certainly not getting the results I wanted. It got so bad, strangers were stopping me in stores to ask for pictures and not in a good way.

I kept working through all the dark days until the gender clouds parted and I could actually see glimpses of my authentic feminine self. The whole process now happily seems so far away but the process still scars me in so many ways. Especially all the times, I came home in tears following being laughed at after my mirror had lied to me and told me I was an amazing woman. It took me years of work to prove the doubters wrong and I could actually live a successful life as a transgender woman. My biggest problem came from the fact my biggest doubter was my male self. I grew so weary of him telling me I could never live my dream life as a trans woman. 

In many ways too, I grew weary of being a cross dresser and wanted more out of life. It took me trying several terrifying experiences in public to change my mindset around into who I really was. I was right when I was so young when I thought I wanted more than to just look like a woman, I wanted to be a woman. My problem was, life kept getting in my way. Through my formative years of high school and beyond, I had the very real threat of being drafted into the military hanging over my head. Most certainly, I would have a three year break in my quest to determine my gender needs. I was more fortunate than many my age and escaped combat in Vietnam and even got away with coming out for the first time to a few close Army friends after a Halloween party when I told them I was a transvestite. Coming out was an enlightening experience until I was out of the Army and attempted to come out to my Mom. I was roundly rejected and ended back up firmly in my closet. 

In those days, Halloween parties were my salvation from the weariness I felt from everyday male life. Even though they were few and far between, the parties allowed me to get out of the house and interact with the world as a very novice cross dresser or transgender woman. I was able to learn the basics of what I would need to do to survive in a new world I was considering trying. From the Halloween parties I was able to find and participate in transvestite mixers in nearby towns to where I lived. At the social events, I was able to see and interact with others in the cross dressing community so I could judge where I was at and where I wanted to go. When I did, life became less wearisome and I had an exciting reason to look ahead at my next feminine adventure. 

By this time, I was ready to come out of my unwanted male world even further and I was learning so much life took on a new meaning. I learned what transgender meant to me and how I fit in in the trans world which had many layers to it. More than a few of the layers were less than positive and I began to ignore them or called them "trans Nazi's" and rapidly moved on. Basically, they were the people who held their self esteem above others due to the number of gender surgeries they had undergone. Since I had not (and never have) undergone any genital realignment surgeries, they assumed they were better than me. Rejection was quick on my part.

Weariness ceased to be a problem when everytime I went out into the world as a transgender woman I was learning something new. It could be something small such as a fashion error all the way to a huge learning experience of losing my male privilege in personal safety. When I almost ended up hurt. From it all, I ended up learning and doing better.

I guess I should say too, how much my life changed when I started gender affirming hormones. Weariness with my old male self certainly went away as all the changes were different, surprising and rapid. 

Life became like a roller coaster. Once I reached the top and headed down, it was thrilling.

 

Trans Girl in a Beer Garden

Image from Igor Omilaev

Following moving in with my future wife Liz in a Cincinnati, Ohio suburb, I went through another unexpected transition. 

When I moved, I threw out all my male clothes and started living full time as a transgender woman and I still had my very small circle of friends who had ever known anything about my male self. What I ran into next was being accepted into Liz's circle of friends. Sure I was scared or terrified to meet them all, I had no choice to hitch up my big girl panties and go with it. Long story short, I survived and most of the group seemed to accept me with open arms. What it all did was add another layer of acquaintances to my transgender journey. 

Then the group began having Halloween Witches Balls in the metro Cincinnati area and Liz and I became organizers of the big party. By doing so, we needed to help select the annual venues. It just so happened, several of the potential venues were owned by brew-pubs in the area. In order to check out the venues, we (or I in particular) had to check out the craft beer. Through it all, I enjoyed myself immensely. One venue I remember in particular was in a retired huge old church and the second was a second floor area which featured an outdoor on street beer garden of sorts. After we looked at the party venue, we were able to find a table outside and enjoy a couple of their beers. Even though the brew was wonderful, the company was better. I was able to relax, not attract any undue attention and watch the world interact around me. As a relatively new transgender woman, it was the first time in my life I could live as a free person. 

From this point forward, I knew I was included in the group and had added another layer of gender transition to my life. I already know how much I enjoyed beer gardens from my days in Germany, so I was just combining the two for more success. Plus, for the first time, I was on the feminine side of life so I would not have to be envious of all the women around me. Now, since I drink so much less, experiencing an outdoor beer garden is a rarity. Fall, is not so far away and I hope I can experience several Cincinnati October fests to celebrate a big birthday I have coming up. Cincinnati is a heavily German heritage town and has some fantastic fests to experience along with the fall weather. 

Perhaps, it will be a great time for this transgender girl to experience more time in a beer garden. 

Never Going Back

Archive image. Liz on left.

Once I started down the road to living my dream as a transgender woman, I found I could never go back.

I am sure it all started the first time I viewed myself in my Mom's clothes and makeup in the mirror so many years ago. All I knew was something clicked inside me and I enjoyed the process immensely and couldn't wait to do it again. Going back to my male self became increasingly difficult. 

It stayed a problem the older I became as I began to be better with the makeup and fashion choices I could find. I even went as far as shaving my legs when I was young to get rid of the hated hair which came along with my unwanted puberty into a testosterone poisoned body. Still I persisted living a secret yet powerful life in the mirror as a girl. Through my often clownish makeup, I could still see my authentic feminine self peeking at me and I loved her. 

Over the years, practice made perfect and in many ways I was able to cover up my male body and present well enough as a woman to try out the world. Even though I took many bumps and bruises along the way, I persisted and small victories helped me to want to never return to the male life I never really wanted. Every now and then I was able to be successful in the world as a novice cross dresser. Still not understanding I was so much more than wanting to just look like a woman. I wanted to be a woman. Cross dressing was a welcome bridge to getting me to the big picture of my life, my desire to be a trans woman. Once I came to the point of wondering just where I fit in with my big picture in life, then I needed to see if I could make all the needed sacrifices to get there. All of my "secret" adventures as a transgender woman could cost me all I had worked so hard on in my male life. If discovered, I could lose my marriage, family, friends and jobs. As you can tell, a lot to be considered.  

During that time, destiny kept setting in and deep down kept telling me I could achieve my ultimate gender dream. Every blind corner I turned and every step I climbed on my path was showing me the way as I carved out a new life as a transgender woman. All of a sudden, my doubts started to disappear I was succeeding more and more when I sought to flip my male life to female. I even began to go to the same venues I went to as a guy with little to no problems. When I did, deep down I was terrified of losing my life as I knew it but on the other hand, I knew I was never going back. There was no way.

By the time I decided I was never going back, my decision was made so much easier by several things. Including unconditional acceptance by my daughter, the very few friends I had passing away and not having a job to worry about (since I was able to retire) made my decision so much easier. Even my very stubborn old male self could see no future and he faded away as I took the final steps to completing my gender transition. I even was able to solve my marital situation the hard way when my un-approving second wife passed away and I unexpectedly became involved with a very supportive third wife who loves me for who I am. 

I believe pushing forward and never quitting was something I learned from my parents. I am sure they would have never envisioned their teachings turning out this way with me.