Thank You All!

Image courtesy Howie R
on UnSplash

First of all, I would like to thank all of you who checked in and commented on my post about going to my endocrinologist recently. One of many responses came from Joanne (Jo):

"I'm fortunate in that I can see the results of my hormone checks before because the lab sends them to me as well and so I usually get them several days before my appointments. It will be interesting to see if my T levels stay stable post-GCS now that I am no longer taking Cyproterone to block. They are slightly higher than before surgery, but very slightly and that the very bottom for the range for cis women. On the plus side, my cold tolerance has improved a touch.

Good luck on the check up!"

Thanks for the comment and yes the visit did go very well. So well in fact, she set my next visit for a year from now. I was seeing her every six months. Plus Jo brings up a point we don't discuss much in the Condo, the regimen required when a person is ready to undergo "GCS" which I assume meant gender change surgery. I am far from an expert since I don't plan on undertaking any serious gender realignment surgeries at this late stage of my life. As far as hormonal levels go, I also have been at the very bottom testosterone level for years now. So much so, I have cut back my dosage of Spiro in half. Spiro is another med prescribed to limit testosterone levels. 

Through all the comments, I would be remiss if I did not mention the input from those who could not undertake any hormone replacement therapy due to recent of reoccurring health problems. A few even indicated they had naturally high levels of estrogen in their body so HRT was not really needed. A wonderful predicament to be in if you don't have to ingest any extra medications into your body. 

To finish off the news concerning my "Endo", all went so well, she was able to access my recent blood lab results without a problem from the Veteran's Administration website I am a part of. The problem I used to have was I was actually seeing two VA clinics and or hospitals and my records kept getting mixed up. The problem was finally solved and I was ready to move on.

Since I have entered the senior citizen part of my life, I realize the greatest gift you can receive is the gift of health. The gift of health is followed closely by having a loving spouse and or family member. I am so fortunate to have both. My daughter is completely accepting of my status as a transgender woman as is my recently married wife who I have known for over eleven years now. 

Plus, while I am on the subject of thankfulness, I need to thank all of you who read my writings on one of the two platforms I write on. Either "Google Blogger" or the paid "Medium" site which costs the reader fifty dollars a year for unlimited access to content. I don't thank all of you enough. Your comments and participation of any sort make the process so worth it. Thanks again!

A World Class Observer

 

Image from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

For years and years I needed to be satisfied with merely observing the women around me hoping to see clues on how the women dressed and interacted in the world, among other things. All along, I thought I was doing the best I could in my observation  techniques without coming off as creepy. 

All along, I was doing all the easy things right. I noticed fashion trends and also observed which women seemed to have conquered the fashion world correctly. Some of whom managed to take fashion to an art form. As hard as I tried, I was unable to go any farther than being a more than casual observer of everything feminine. I was always stopped at the door by gate keepers who wouldn't let me into the inner sanctum of what being a woman was really about. While I was stuck on the outside looking in, I needed to sit back and concentrate the best I could on clothing and makeup. So at least I was doing something positive. Or so I felt. 

As the years went by, I worked hard to perfect my feminine image. My peak of acceptance was the night I was refused admission to a transvestite mixer in New York because I was a "real" woman. The experience was all well and good until my second wife and I became embroiled in a huge fight about it. To make a long story short my still strong male ego got the best of me in a fight and I told my wife what had happened. At that point she told me I made a terrible woman. I was deeply defeated at that point when she backed off and said she wasn't talking about my appearance, she was talking about my inner knowledge of what a woman went through in life. From that point forward my life changed as I knew I needed to discover what she was talking about. 

The path I chose was very difficult and little did I know I would spend the next decade (at least) to learn what she meant. The biggest problem I found was I was automatically excluded from entering the inner workings of how women actually communicated and interacted with each other. Even though I worked in a woman dominated industry, the basics I learned such as the dominance of women in cliques and the passive aggressive nature of such cliques was new to me. In fact, it wasn't until after I began to transition in earnest into being a full fledged transgender woman did I understand totally the basics of how women communicated without men. Quickly I learned how feminine conversations could be built on silence with just a look of the eye. I needed to toss aside the old male patterns such as full frontal attacks when life came to confrontations and aggression. 

Naturally the more time I spent in the world as a transgender woman, the more I became a world class observer of cis women everywhere. In order to survive and make myself into a better person, I needed to step aside from all my old male ways and accept the direction my dominant inner feminine self was taking me. After all, she had spent years waiting for her chance to shine. As I always write about , I was fortunate to have strong cis-woman friends and role models to help me along. They embraced me when so many others wouldn't. My observation techniques with them most certainly became world class because they allowed them to happen. I finally was learning what my wife told me concerning making a terrible woman. I found out the hard way what a terrible woman was and made sure I didn't make that mistake again.   

Staying Out of Your Own Way

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

As we follow our journey to live as our authentic gender selves we often encounter many roadblocks as well as twists and turns along the way. Naturally, it is very difficult to keep moving forward. Due to impostor syndrome or any other reason, I always had a difficult time accepting the gains I had made as a transgender woman. 

Also the entire backward process could have been due to the number of times I was rejected in public when I first began to leave my closet and explore the world. Looking back, I think too I expected way too much from my feminine presentation. For example, I wanted so badly to be mistaken for a cis woman, it became my entire goal. When, in fact, I was doing fine with being accepted as a transgender woman in the world.  To get to the point of accepting myself, I had to get out of my own way. I needed to realize what was real and what was false and proceed from there. In order to accomplish it, I needed to go through several other major transitions.  

One of the biggest transitions I went through I write about often. It was when I finally decided to quit obsessing just how I appeared as a woman and begin concentrating more on the reality of the situation. In other words, I set out to see if I could be accepted in a world of other women when I went to an upscale bar near a mall where professional women met when they got off of work. To try it, I needed to dress in my finest professional women's outfit I owned to try to blend in. Even though I had experienced some success in trying a similar move in the past, I was still terrified of what I was getting myself into. It was the first time in my life I was stripping myself of all the hard earned white male privilege I had built up and attempted to start all over again. I am certain much of my terrified thoughts came from knowing this had the chance of being a life changing experience. If I was successful, there was no way I could ever go back. 

The rest of the story that night was I was very successful. I learned I could breathe and enjoy my first experience being a woman in the world. Plus I was treated with respect by the staff of the venue I visited.  From there you would think, staying out of my own way would be easier but it wasn't.  The biggest problem I faced was I still had the misconception of which gender I was dressing for. I set out to please my old male self by trying to dress as a few of the sexy women I had admired over the years. The obstacle was my testosterone poisoned body just didn't lend itself to being sexy. All I did was turn out looking trashy. Once I figured it out and began to dress to blend, I started to get out of my own way and began to discover a stable path to discovering my true feminine self. 

From then on, all I needed to really do was try to determine how I was going to approach the inevitable...some day I would have to live my reality by letting my male past go. To get out of my own way and live fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Hormonal Visit

 My endocrinologist visit is coming up and most importantly we review my blood lab results and primarily for me, she monitors my hormonal levels. 

In many ways, my estrogen and or estradiol blood levels are my life. Years ago when I started hormone replacement therapy, I was careful to seek out a physician to help me. I did not want to follow down the path of unmonitored hormone programs I had seen other transgender women undertake. The excesses of foreign purchased estradiol are easy to see and even easier to come by on line. Plus, since I was older (in my early sixties) I very much wanted a professional to evaluate me to see if I was healthy enough to begin HRT. When I was, I was elated. I couldn't wait to begin the new hormones and experience the changes which would follow. 

Each time I write a post on HRT, I warn everyone to seek medical advice and the results you will experience will vary widely due to many factors. Variables include your age, your dosage and even how you administer the medications.  Age of course effects the hormones already in your body. At the age of sixty (plus) my male hormone testosterone would naturally be in decline. Allowing the estradiol an easier path to begin it's changes. Dosage for me, similar to many others, started at a minimum level to see how my body tolerated the changes. I even went through a period of time early into my HRT when my endocrinologist stopped me from taking my hormones all together for another health scare I went through. Finally there are several ways to administer your hormones. I started my process on pills which were advised against by my first "Endo." Then I went to patches which I am on now. The other popular way to take hormonal doses is through injections which I have heard is the most effective way to do it. Since I have never been a fan of taking injections, I stayed with my patches which have allowed me to experience the changes I so desired.

Since my "changes" were slowed with my initial minimum hormonal dosages, I still showed amazing progress. To me, in no time at all, I experienced magical changes including breast growth, softer skin and increased hair on my head which was exactly opposite of the hair disappearing from my body. Except my beard of course. In record time I went from appearing as a macho male all the way to being a very androgynous person. Even though my outward appearance was feminized, it turned out my inner feelings changed too. As I went through my initial hot flashes, at the same time my inner thermostat became broken and I was cold all the time. I found out quickly how cis women were not making things up and their emotions were real. My lifetime of not being able to cry as a man changed rapidly the first time my emotions overcame me and I cried before a summer thunderstorm. 

Through it all, I have labored under the possibility I could have problems and have to stop my hormone replacement therapy, Since I have the benefit of having two Veterans Administration nurse practitioners reviewing my blood work before it gets to my endo, I don't anticipate any problems with my HRT continuing the way it has been. Even still, I have my share of anxiety over any potential results.  

Business Trips

 

Image from Christopher 
Ivanov on UnSplash

As I look back on many facets of my life I wonder how I was able to hide the many times I was able to escape the house and explore the world as a woman. Several of the more exciting and enlightening experiences happened on business trips I was scheduled to do by my employer. 

I worked for a very successful regional restaurant company and I ran one of the most profitable units and I was a managerial training manager. As such I was required once a quarter to make the trip (approximately two hundred miles) to the company's headquarters in Lexington, Kentucky.  When I was told to go to the training sessions it did not take me long to figure out how to attend the meetings as well as take the time to go out and explore the world. It was exciting to not have the same old time requirements I encountered when I was at home. Once I did I found a whole new exciting world I had mostly only dreamed of.  I only just had to figure out how to pack a whole other set of clothes. 

If you are not familiar, Lexington Kentucky is the home of the University of Kentucky and as such had several large gay or LGBT bars/clubs. I immediately located one of the clubs close to the hotel I was staying in. The only drawback I faced was classes started on time at eight in the morning, so I needed to be prepared for the early hour. It turned out to be not much of a problem since the gay club turned out to be quiet when I went in there during the week, plus I was relatively early for the majority of the other clientele to arrive. As I recall, the only person of interest I saw was another cross dresser. Who I didn't talk to. Even though I was satisfied with going out on the first night as always I needed more. Since the training day I was scheduled for was just that, one day, I told my second wife the session really lasted two days so I could take the extra day to play around. 

For my second day, I decided to stop half way back in Cincinnati and check out a couple of the more exciting gay venues I had heard of before. Before I did, I needed to find a motel room to change in plus I needed to make sure I could pay cash for the room so my wife couldn't see any strange receipts on our monthly bank statement. I am not proud now of how far I went to hide my gender issues but only mention them to show you where I was mentally at the time. At any rate, once I dressed in my best mini skirted black outfit with heels and hose I finally found the large gay venue I had heard so much about, I went in and after one drink encountered a very drunk guy who was showing me quite a lot of attention. Initially, I was flattered until another woman showed up who turned out to be his wife. Fortunately for me she saved all of her hostility for him and I thought I could be in real trouble when he said to her "Why don't you have legs like her (meaning me)." By that time I was preparing to make myself scarce from the bar and headed to the restroom. When I returned, the couple had left and I was safe from being a part of a domestic disturbance. As it turned out, it was the last time I was ever in the venue. It has long since closed.

Along the way, I left the company I worked for to start my own restaurant and I had no more business trips to contend with. I had to come up with other ways to express my feminine side. Sadly it wasn't too long after that my life took a severe turn for the worse. I lost nearly all the friends I had to cancer, my second wife to a heart attack and my restaurant to an economic recession. Maybe it was a touch of karma coming back to haunt me for all the sneaking around I did so I did not have to face up to knowing the truth about myself. All along my truth was I should have been trying to live as a full time transgender woman much sooner than I did.  

Playing to Your Strengths

Photo with jeans
skirt and flowing top
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

I am saddened when I read of another novice transgender person and/or cross dresser who feels they are shut out of the feminine world they want to live in because of how they look. Because of testosterone poisoning the person feels as if they are locked in forever to a gender dysphoric life they did or do not want to live. 

In the first place, I wonder if other transgender women (no matter where they fall in their transition cycle) consider all cis women (born female) don't necessarily "pass" as attractive women. Naturally, there are all types, sizes and shapes of women to be seen. One of the several positives which kept me going when I struggled coming out of my closet was the fact, if I could find clothes the size other women wore which fit me, I could wear them too and do my best to look good. During that portion of my life, I made extensive use of bargain thrift stores to augment my feminine wardrobe. If I purchased the wrong item, I wouldn't be out much money and I could try again and again. The main benefit to me was I could learn which women's sizes fit my body style which sadly leaned towards no hips, a wide torso and broad shoulders. I had quite a bit of disguising to do. 

I started the process by deciding to take off un-needed weight. There is a reason so many cis-women are into diets and I decided to diet for the same basic reason, to look better. My metabolism at the time must have been strongly male because with very little effort I lost nearly fifty pounds which helped my clothing search and allowed me to locate strengths to play to as far as presenting myself to the world. One of the strengths I was always told I had were my legs. Once I made it through my teenaged inspired cross dressing years, I often wore jean skirts and lose flowing tops. The outfits allowed me to show off a strength and at the same time camouflage another. It seemed to work for me as I was suddenly able to navigate the world as my authentic self. To add an extra dimension to my public life, I began to take extra better care of my skin. Having a better basic complexion allowed me to use less makeup and again appear more presentable. 

These days looking more presentable as a transgender person is becoming more and more a priority. With the number of restrictions and hate bills on the horizon for transgender women and men, being able to blend in with the everyday public is a must. I am fortunate I live in a relatively upscale and liberal part of a larger metro area which is known to support LGBT causes but just to the East of us the rural area doesn't. In fact, a group I was part of used to run bake sales in front of a certain very well known big box store in the area. I went and helped but felt decidedly out of place. As I looked around at the other women in the store, it wouldn't been to much of a stretch of the imagination to feel as if I was one of the more attractive women in the store. 

If you are in your closet and need to leave, it is easy for me to say you have to hitch up your big girl panties and try your best to do it. Courage breeds confidence and hopefully playing to your strengths helps you to live an authentic life.            

You Are Not the Boss of Me

Image from Valentina Conde
on Unsplash

 If you are similar to me, you faced near total resistance to you pursuing any sort of a feminine lifestyle. You were born a boy and a boy you would be. In addition, very little information was available to you involving any other individuals who felt the same as you. In my case, I was restricted to seeing the occasional "shock" newspaper/journals such as the "National Enquirer" who on every now and then featured a sensational story about a man who had changed their gender. I couldn't wait for a chance to go with a friend of mine who recently turned sixteen and could drive to his aunt's small corner variety store so I could secretly look through her latest collection of publications. The only other local activities I ever found was a touring troop of softball players who performed in drag as women. 

Through the pre internet dark days, I found away to sneak around my parents' backs and compile a small but complete collection of girl's clothes and makeup. During that time I remember acquiring a pair of girls shoes which fit me. They turned out to be my most prized possessions.  Somehow, during this portion of my life no matter how much pressure I was under to conform, I knew my parents were not entirely the boss of me. In many ways, a radical was born. 

My Mom and I were the same in many ways including temperament and looks and we clashed many times as she tried to impose her will upon me. I often wonder though if she had discovered or at least sensed my excursions through her clothes and makeup but decided to never say anything. Perhaps she thought it was just a phase. It turned out, my love of everything feminine was a phase...a lifetime one.  In a moment I relate to often, after I was honorably discharged from the Army when I was in my early to mid twenties I came out to her as a transvestite. Without discussion she said she would pay for psychiatric intervention. The subject was never brought up again.

In addition, my parents made it known to me my college education was wasted on the career in the broadcasting industry I was working at back then. In essence,  I was striking out with my parents in my gender choices and my work choices. In many ways I had the military to thank for my attitude of it was my life and I needed the courage to live my own life. The way I wanted to live it. My parents were not the boss of me. I am certain they saw it coming as parents do when their off spring becomes a certain age. One thing they never saw coming was my gender choice. Mom never brought the subject up again after I tried to bring it up with her and to my knowledge Dad never knew at all. So, in many ways, I took the easy way out. My parents passed away as well as did many others in my life before I had to come out to them.

Being transgender in the short and long term taught me to be fiercely independent. In order to survive, I needed to develop a very thick skin to adverse life conditions when I first decided to take small tentative steps into the feminine world. Once I did, I was able to learn to be more confident in how I wanted to live. Finally I made it to the point where I could reach out and touch my lifetime dream of living as a transgender woman full time. When I did so, I could sit back and say I was glad all the naysayers were wrong and they were not the boss of me.   

Living the Gender Lie

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection

At some point in our lives as transgender women or trans men, many of us come to the point of telling ourselves enough is enough. Doing it is so very difficult because we tried so hard to live a lie. A lie is a lie. Once you begin to lie, you have to build in other lies to support the original one. In time, the original lie becomes unbearable.

At least that is how the process worked for me. As a kid and into adulthood I did all the right things I thought it took to be a man in a man's world. I played sports, served in the military, became a father and supported my family. It seemed the more I did to be a man, the more frustration I experienced. Perhaps it was because I was growing as my feminine self (or trying) at the same time. Being a railroad fanatic I can compare the process to two runaway trains approaching each other on the same track. A collision was not an if, it was a when. 

As I lived the process I also lived the pressure of such as an existence.  I am sure many of you can sympathize since you have gone through the same gender issues. Living the gender lie is a very real existence and it is no fun as a few transphobes would like the public to think it is. The life we live as transgender individuals is as diverse as any other so called "normal" humans and were definitely not just a lifetime phase we are going through. 

When you live a lie, you have a tendency to go overboard to protect the lie. When you are a transgender  woman that means often you have to over masculinize yourself. The result is an increased level of trans women in activities such as sports and the military. Anything to throw the outside world off the true track we are on concerning our hidden gender goals. Perhaps before we even know we had gender goals. Once I decided I needed or wanted goals, I finally decided to use them to do away with my gender lie once and for all. Since I was always a very much not a goal orientated person in my male life, it was quite the change for me. I had quite the motivation as my feminine person continued to grow and demanded more and more of a life. The more she wanted, the more pressure she created. 

In my case, pressure created results. In true feminine fashion my dominant self pushed and pushed until she finally got her way. Once she did, in dominant fashion , she never looked back. Most likely, the most ironic aspect of my MtF transition was my feminine self employed a decidedly male style push when she had the opportunity to be out in the world. Once she was out, she wasn't coming back. She was mocking me with a mental "I told you so" when it came to me living a gender lie. In addition she was very smug when I was very surprised with how well she did when she was given the chance to run my life. 

It's no wonder living a lie is not good for you no matter what lie you are trying to live. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I felt when I finally decided to take a major step and live full time as a transgender woman. It seemed the weight of the world was off my shoulders. It seemed my parents were right about not lying. Except when it came to severe gender issues they would never been able to understand.

Climbing the Gender Mountain

 

Image from David Billings
on UnSplash

As we transform ourselves over the years to live as our authentic gender selves many changes take place. Recently I came to the conclusion the whole process is similar to climbing a gender mountain. Initially we start in a huge valley and attempt to make our way out. 

Similar to so many of you, I started my journey exploring the wonderful world of my Mom's clothes and then working my way to the mirror. On a good day I was able to gather enough courage to walk down our long driveway to the mailbox when I was dressed. We lived on a rural road so cars were rare and discovery was nearly non existent.  Even so, I felt I had reached the first pinnacle of my climb and I rested then wanted more. If I had more guidance back then, I am sure I wouldn't have to have waited all those years to understand I was much more than a casual cross dresser who was attracted to wearing feminine clothes. 

Perhaps the next step I took up the mountain was when I started to go to Halloween parties as the most attractive woman I could be. Each year I improved the process so much on occasion I was mistaken for a cis woman. I loved it when it happened and was so sad when I had to wait another long year before another Halloween rolled around. Another year of just me and my mirror. The one thing I knew for sure was once I had reached a certain point of acceptance in my preferred gender, I could never go back to my unwanted, mundane male life. From Halloween interactions forward in my life, times were due to become more complex as the climb became steeper. Once I started to break out of my gender closet and explore, the more I saw of the mountain, the more I wanted.

Those were the days of escaping the endless clothing stores and malls searching for acceptance and doing my best to climb even higher to my goal of existing as a transgender woman in the public's eye. This step was radical for me and required years of work and years of learning on what I needed to do to achieve the new goals I had set up for myself. In fact, for the longest time back then I wasn't even aware I needed any gender goals. What I did know was the more I was able to look out and experience this new wonderful world I was in, the more I loved it. I certainly wanted to attempt to keep climbing. The problem was I was becoming increasingly engaged in a fight with my male self over my actual life as I knew it. In other words I was becoming more stressed on how I spent my time in each of my competing genders. Not to mention a marriage I was trying to protect . I can compare it to climbing to a certain point and then looking up to see how far I still needed to go.

At this point, the stress of the climb became too much and I became very self destructive. All the way down to falling into the valley of a suicide attempt. Of course it took me time to restart my climb after dealing with that massive set back but somehow I was able. Perhaps the biggest reason why was deep down I knew I was on the right path. I knew somehow I needed to climb higher and see what life offered. The next step I took was a major one when I started hormone replacement therapy which helped to further feminize my exterior self to sync with  my interior self. Once I did the HRT, new wonderful opportunities to climb opened up to me. Even still since I am afraid of heights, the fear of going higher often scared me.

Finally, with the help of several very supportive friends and family I was able to undertake a major step upward and decided to live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. By the time I did, I wondered why it took me so long because I felt so natural. I was just afraid to climb.

Impostor Symdrome

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection on a dinner date.

To me, impostor syndrome means once you are out and about as your authentic self  in public and all of a sudden you suffer from sneaking suspicions all is not right begins to influence you. It's similar to completing all the hard work it takes to prepare yourself for meeting the public. I vividly remember stressing out over the smallest details of my hair, makeup and clothing. When I did, the most amazing thing happened, I began to make it in the world as a transgender woman. For the most part, I was walking on cloud nine in my heels I wore all the time back in the day. 

Perhaps I was just waiting for the other shoe to fall when it came to dealing with the public. Normally, all the problems came about when I was engaging with other women, As I remember, the conversation started quite normally and as I tried my best to modulate my voice and sound feminine, I could see in the person's eyes they were thinking something was wrong. Somehow, someway I couldn't seem to close the deal I was a woman. As I considered again what I was doing wrong, I thought I had (or was) covering all the bases of why I couldn't feel entirely comfortable.

Looking back, I don't think I considered the most important parts of what was causing my impostor syndrome. I know I was very impatient and on occasion expected miracles when I went public for the first times. I didn't take into consideration how long it takes a cis woman to grow from being a female into living as a woman. It is not an easy task or even a given for either binary gender to grow up and be a responsible human being. Plus, even through I had been cross dressing as a transvestite in front of the mirror for years before I went into the world, I missed many of the basics I would need to survive and hopefully prosper. I never faced the fact I never had any of the peer or Mom influence on my fashion and public appearance. To put it mildly, there was quite a bit of catching up to do.

I also had to overcome the initial bad experiences I went through when I first escaped my dark lonely closet. I needed to try to forget all the times I was laughed at or stared at in public as well as bad restroom experiences when I had the cops called on me. Even though I have used the women's room  with no problems for years now, I still have the slightest fear of push back when all I am doing is going to the bathroom. Impostor syndrome at it's worst even though I have been in so many different restroom situations over the years, Again with no problems. 

Since I was able to live an unwanted but fairly successful male life for so many years, I am asking too much for my impostor syndrome to just go away in my feminine life. I have every bit of a right to occupy a spot in a woman's circle as any other cis woman. I just earned my rights in a different way. The problem I often have is the only person I have to convince about my femininity is myself. Impostor syndrome is hard to shake after all. After all these years of letting my feminine person out of her closet she should be allowed to totally rule my world without all these distractions. 

Staying in Your Gender Lane

Image from Robert V, Roggiero on
UnSplash

Seemingly, gender differences are one of the earliest things we learn in life. By learn I mean we come to realize there are differences in gender. To simplify the matter, I should use the differences between boys and girls. For the fortunate ones, they never question their biological sex matching up with their mental gender. At that point, if we have questions, staying in our gender lane becomes a huge issue which can linger for life. 

I mention often I grew up around very few girls and I was in a boy's world. There was only one time I can remember an incident which could be called I will show you mine if you show me yours. It came up innocently enough between the only girl and the boys. All it did was reinforce the differences we had as separate genders. Years later all I really remember about the encounter is that it happened. There was no blinding realization I wanted what the girl had between her legs. To this day, I have had no strong desire to undergo any gender realignment surgeries of any kind as I feel my gender has already been aligned by the way I live. Finding a spot in my gender lane was far from easy and took me years of learning. 

Sometimes I believe children are born gender free and early in life are forced into stereotypical boys and girls roles. In my case, I never was afforded the chance to look around the world and determine which gender I wanted to be because my sex was biologically set at birth. I am often asked when I knew something was different about me and now I reply I always knew I was different. I just didn't know how. It took me years to define my gender was different than my assigned sex and I would have a lifetime of issues because of it. Perhaps my gender issues began in my Mother's womb when she was prescribed a hormonal drug to prevent miscarriages but of course I have no way of really knowing. Plus, blaming the medication (D.E.S) would just be an unnecessary crutch anyhow. 

The older I became and the more proficient I became in expressing my feminine side, the more difficult it was for me to stay in my original male gender lane. Especially when it came to the time when I began to understand my gender was completely between my ears and my sex was between my legs and my problems stemmed from syncing up my life. It all added up to severe issues when I at first attempted to change lanes from the male to the female side of the road. As "Stana" from the Femulate blog always says, she turned on her turn signals and used her horn when she entered the passing lane. If you are familiar with her blog, you know she does well in the passing lane.  For the majority of novice transgender women, men or cross dressers we are not naturals and using a new gender lane takes a lot of effort. 

One of the main problems is the gender lanes are crowded and have very different rules to obey. It often takes years of practice to learn the new basics of gender life you are trying to live, Then you have to face the potentially other hostile inhabitants in your lane. Anymore with the number of new anti-transgender bills in quite a few states, our gender lane as trans people seems to be tilted against us. It's bad enough if you have to face an insecure hostile man  but sometimes it is just as bad when a hostile cis woman or TERF does not want you in her lane. 

The good part is, once you make it into the new gender lane you are seeking, no one can force you back,  You have passed into your authentic life and have every right to  enjoy the respect you  deserve. 

Time Grew Short

Ohio River Pride from the
Jessie Hart Collection

I was just passing the age of sixty when I finally decided to retire my long unwanted male life and start anew as a transgender woman. Of course one of the main factors I faced when I decided a transition was the best and only way I go in life was my age. I wasn't getting younger. Since, all of the sudden, I was facing my mortality I felt it was time to make a decision on my gender issues.

Even still, with time catching up to me, I still had many decisions to consider when I looked at attempting a  major gender transition. Examples are the usual ones such as what was I going to tell my family and what was left of my friends all the way to what was I going to do about my finances and a job. On the other hand, I did have several benefits stemming from the life I had lived up to being sixty.

One of the main benefits I had was the fact I had spent nearly fifty years being a serious transvestite or cross dresser. During that time, I had plenty of occasions to leave my gender closet and experiment in a women's world. By the time I decided to completely transition (at least to living full time) I had managed to go through my second puberty clothing wise and began to dress to blend in with the world. Backtracking a bit, I don't think any transgender person ever gets a chance to transition completely until  passing away. Then their family must follow the trans person's wishes to be buried (or what ever) with the transgender person's chosen gender. Always a guessing game, sadly. Thinking of what was left of my future totally pushed me into getting started. I had no time to waste.

Since I had nearly completed the difficult task of learning the feminine arts of makeup and clothing, my biggest challenge was beginning to build a whole new person who could interact in the world as a transgender woman. As I worked on the process, I needed to learn to multi task. In other words, I needed to learn how to react to those casual observers of mine who may have initially thought I was a cis-woman. Then, there were all the others who knew I was transgender and may have reacted differently when they got to know me. The entire process was intimidating but exciting at the same time. My lack of male friends when I was sixty is well documented. I didn't have many to be concerned with because by that time of my life, they had nearly all passed away. So I was starting from scratch in the friend department. 

As time grew short, I found I needed more and more to relax and enjoy how my inner feminine person was reacting to her time to live.  She learned quickly how to react to other people and decide if she wanted to be friends or not. I also found a new level of respect I never felt as a man, probably because most other women knew I was being my authentic self and respected me for it. I was fortunate I had ultra supportive women such as my daughter and other very supportive women who helped me along when I started hormone replacement therapy in my early sixties.

Through it all I was humored when someone attempted to say they were more trans than I because I waited so long to transition. Even though I often think I should have crossed the gender frontier earlier in life, there were times in my male life I wouldn't give up for anything. The birth of my daughter is the primary example.  The rest of the time, I prefer to think I was just trying to make the best of an unfortunate gender situation. Finally, the pressure of attempting to live as two genders proved to be too much for me to handle. After much thought, I took the correct way out and chose to live as a fulltime transgender woman. I had put reality off long enough.   

Gender Escapism

Image from UnSplash and Let's go Together

 For most of the earlier years of my MtF gender transition I literally and figuratively tried to hide behind my skirts. As I was attempting to make my way through an unpleasant male existence, when nearly anything happened to me which I considered unpleasant, I resorted to thinking if I was feminine I could escape my problems. Little did I know, or consider at the time, girls/women had their own set of problems to deal with. 

Let's take dating for example. As I was very shy to begin with, asking any girl out was a huge problem for me. From that point forward I would have rather been the pursued not the pursuer and have someone ask me out instead. Of course it never happened. Another example was when I didn't make the cut for the junior varsity football team at the very small school I attended. When it happened I immediately wanted to go back home and try on my feminine clothes in front of the mirror. In addition, my top fantasy was how it would be to be one of the school's ultra pretty and popular cheerleaders. While at the same time not taking into the amount of work the girls would have to put in to do it.

It wasn't until years later when I realized how much my escapism hurt my life. Every time I ran to hide behind my skirts turned out to be a time when I had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Once I did, I finally began to build the courage to leave my male existence behind and begin a new life as a full time transgender woman. Essentially I was following through on what my second wife told me to do. Be man enough to be a woman. Sadly I wasn't able to accomplish what she told me until after she passed away and she was never able to meet the new woman I was destined to become. Since through much of our marriage I was intensely unhappy with my gender, I believe she would be happy I made it to a point where I could be satisfied with life. 

When I did "make it" to the other side of the gender border or frontier I discovered also the many faceted problems a woman has to go through to live. Cis-women are certainly born into the high maintenance gender. From everything such as child carrying and birthing all the way to just dealing with everyday appearances and emotions, women have to shoulder the burden of life.  It's no wonder cis-men say they don't understand women (or don't want to) because on a day to day basis they don't have to deal with lives often as difficult as women have to deal with. Which brings me to the point I make over and over again. Why would any man in their right mind leave an easier gender existence and attempt to live as a transgender woman. The answer is, and always will be is because we had to. We had no choice and needed to change how we lived our lives. Most certainly, the new gender grass was not always greener but we needed to try it out anyway because it all felt so natural.  Plus, the change just had to work to save our life. 

Gender escapism didn't work for me. Finally life caught up with me and taught me to stand up for my true self and live full time as a transgender woman. 

Was the Transition Risk Worth It?

Image from Sammie Chaffin
on UnSplash

 The answer to this question most likely depends on where you may be in your gender transition. If you are just beginning, the risks coming fast and furious these days may seem to be to much to handle. Until recently with the barrage of anti transgender political bills, I considered the era I transitioned in to have been more risky. Now I am not so sure.

As I remember, the biggest problems I faced were of my own doing such as my well documented fashion errors which led to me being rejected by the public. Once I conquered being able to present properly as a woman, I could then move on to other problems. The main one was the sudden possibility I could carve out a new relatively successful life in a feminine world. The main things which were holding me back were the extreme risks involved with following my gender dream. In my life up to that point I had achieved success in going against the odds and taking risks. The main example I can recall was when I was drafted during the ill-fated Vietnam War. Instead of serving the two year draft time, I chose the three year enlistment time and set out to see if any branch of the military offered anything close to my career in radio broadcasting. It turns out the Army did  and with the help of a US Congressman I was able to be accepted into the American Forces Radio and Television Service and then served in Thailand and Germany. You might say I was successful. 

As the years went by, I left the broadcasting business and entered the food service industry which was expanding rapidly. I was able to increase my income substantially and begin a love/hate relationship for the next thirty plus years.  The problem was, I became so adept running restaurants I was paid more handsomely for my efforts. Taking chances with my feminine life became more and more of a problem. The more successful I became in the male dominated world I was in, the more I lost if I suddenly left it. I tried desperately to exist in both gender worlds to no avail. The process became so apparent, the more I did in my new and exciting feminine the more natural I felt. The more natural I felt, the easier it became to take on the new risks I was experiencing even though I was overall terrified about the path my life was taking. 

I never attempt to speak (or write) for anyone else but for me the risk I took to stop my male life and rebuild a new one as a transgender woman was worth it. Especially when I began hormone replacement therapy which I understand has a new name these days. Regardless I look at the point when I started HRT as the point of no return for my old unwanted male self. I was ready to take the final risk to begin a new natural gender life. If, on the other hand if you are still in your gender closet, don't despair because you never know when doors may open for you to explore the world. One never can tell the future and often destiny can lead in unexpected directions. 

Sadly, though, the longer we wait, the more risks we transgender women or trans men have to take when we transition. We develop family, friends and employment to navigate. When the risk became no choice as it did in my case, it was time to take another key step in my transgender transition, throw away all my male clothes, become femininized by the hormones  and start a new life.        

Trust the Process?

Summer Maxi Dress from
the Jessie Hart 
Collection 

So many times when I had reached the point of utter desperation with my gender dysphoria, I wondered what was ever going to become of me. I just had too much of the powerful and seductive draw of the strong inner feminine being who lived within me. She constantly battled the male world which I was born into and for the most part wanted nothing to do with.

All of my battles led to well publicized bouts of self destructive behavior such as using my car as a possible suicide object by driving way too fast and drinking way too much along the way. Unfortunately, my drinking was subsidized in a good way to a masculine pursuit in my family.  My Dad was known to finish his day everyday with a shot (or two) of whiskey. Attempting to out drink him became an unreachable goal for both my younger brother and I. While it never worked with Dad, the entire drinking process provided me with yet another gender façade when I was dealing with others. Plus, the faux level of bravado I found with the alcohol enabled me to initially coming out as a transvestite to friends of mine, all the way to relaxing me when I was attempting to face the world out of my gender closet as a novice transgender woman. The whole process added to my problems with the mirror I was experiencing. When I was intoxicated and staring at myself in the mirror, I was guaranteed to see what I wanted to see. An attractive woman ready to be seen by the public.

My love of the alcoholic came to very much of an abrupt halt when I was pronounced with possible liver problems by my Veterans Administration doctors. I was surprised outside of a few slip ups, I was able to leave my love of alcohol behind. I was able to trust the process and know I would be better off without the one super destructive aspect of my life which was my drinking. These days, I rarely have more than one beer a month. 

As far as my driving goes, I have become decidedly a defensive driver at my age and I have a strong vested interest in being a safe driver while I am behind the wheel. I feel as if I suffered too many close calls when I was younger to tempt fate anymore. The prime example was when I easily could have seriously injured myself and my brother when I rolled a car at a high rate of speed when we were going to college classes one day. I certainly had a guardian angel riding with me that afternoon when I was trying some self destructive behavior

The reason I was able to move away from such poor choices when it came to my lifestyle was when I was able to complete my gender transition I was happier in life.  Or, when my woman took over, she was running the show and did away with all the self destructive nonsense I was participating in. Even though for many years it was very difficult for me to trust the gender process I was slowly becoming so satisfied with my life I wanted to prolong it as far as possible. A honorable pastime.   

Living the Trans Dream

Summer in Ohio
from the Jessie Hart
Collection

Every so often I have the chance to sit back and wonder how I ever made it to the place in life I have arrived at now. I spent so many years living a mostly frustrated male life, wondering how it would be to permanently cross over the gender frontier and live life full time as a transgender woman. For the longest time, I thought I would never make it to the point where I could ever live my dream. 

In the beginning and during several years following, I went down the same rabbit holes as other cross dressers or transvestites I knew. The same old male egos showed through our fancy feminine clothes to reveal we didn't know much about being women at all. Just doing our best to look like one.  Finally I came to the point of knowing I wanted to discover more in depth just what I would be facing if indeed I decided to try to complete a MtF gender transition. Before I knew it, years and life had slipped away and destiny opened a few doors for me which enabled me to transition fully. Recently I received a comment from fellow blogger Paula Godwin who described her journey a little different:

" For those of us who transition later in life it is "interesting" when we get the revelation that after spending the first 50 (or so) years of our life trying to work out if we are a woman at all, that then we suddenly have to work out what sort of a woman. Although having said that I'm not at all sure how much choice we actually get in the matter, much like being Trans at all, I suspect that much of what sort of a woman I would turn out to be was not a choice but an inevitable!" 

You can read more from Paula by following her "Paula's Place" blog here or by checking out my "Do You Wanna Hook Up" section of the blog which contains her latest post.

Thanks for the comment and I too spent fifty years or so exploring being a woman at all. Then when I decided I couldn't deny my feminine nature any longer, jumping into the world and out of my closet was quite the experience. The first lesson I learned was all the years I thought my appearance as a woman was the most important facet of my life just wasn't true. I had no knowledge of all the other facets of a woman's life she had to live through on her path from being just a female to being a woman. My second wife so profoundly put it during a huge fight we were having about me being a crossdresser, that I made a terrible woman and she was not talking about just how I looked. At that point I was forced to put my male ego aside and seriously consider what my wife was talking about. The entire process of learning more concerning women's lives was difficult because I was shielded from what really went on with women because I was still presenting nearly fulltime as a man. In other words, I could not be trusted with secrets until I made the huge step of coming out as my authentic feminine self, which was sensed and embraced on many levels by several of the cis-women who befriended  me. 

During this period of gender discovery, much of my life was a blur as I increasingly set my male self aside and allowed my woman self to flourish. As Paula put it so well, it wasn't a choice, it was an inevitable. 

Transgender Fun?

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

I am sure there has been a transphobic individual (or several) who have suggested being transgender is some sort of a phase or worse yet is pursued as some sort of a fun pastime. Perhaps for a brief time when I considered myself a serious cross dresser, the times I was able to pull out my feminine wardrobe and briefly tried to enter my dream world of being a girl/woman I was having fun too.  The problem was in a very short period of time (a matter of days) I would be back to resenting the male world I was being forced to live in. 

In those days, so called fun was difficult to come by. Perhaps a few of the Halloween adventures I managed to find fun, after I calmed down and was able to live just a moment of my true reality. In the moment it was fun to listen to the compliments I received on my pretty legs or "costume".  Again, all of the fun turned to frustration as I looked ahead to another year of hiding out in my gender closet before I could test my appearance in public. I couldn't comprehend how I could wait one more year until another Halloween rolled around. 

As the years went by and I began to understand more completely my total gender dysphoria, the more I understood the true complexity of the issues facing me. I was heavily influenced by the new friends I met when I was able to free myself up to attend special small mixers in nearby Columbus, Ohio. More precisely I was able to meet levels of people who spanned the gender spectrum from transvestite "admirers" dressed in their male clothes all the way to transsexuals who were preparing themselves for sex change surgery, as it was called back in those days. In many ways, as I explored where I fit in, I found I glimpsed my future. Examples included the rare times a few lesbians attended and I was attracted to them and a couple of times they were attracted to me. As well as the night I was put in a compromising position when a huge admirer made advances on me in a hallway. To my chagrin, my second wife had to bail me out of the situation. Sadly, what I never had a chance to do was communicate with a couple of the transsexual women I knew after their surgery to learn how life was treating them. Basically they followed the path of trying to disappear and restart their lives totally and I lost touch.

If all this learning was fun, then I had my share. I basically learned truths about myself which took any light heartedness out of my developing gender closet. I found my entire being was being questioned and I felt more natural as a transgender woman. After the term was invented and I was able to read up on it on the internet. Through it all, I still couldn't see myself as a total candidate for gender surgery as I still had too much to lose as my male self. Those days were certainly no fun as I continued to explore my femininity while at the same time trying to maintain a life as a macho male. The gender ripping and tearing nearly killed me. Thankfully I was able to replace fun with satisfaction on the days I was able to go out in the world and live a life without problems as a transgender woman. 

I would point out to all the transphobes who say somehow the entire transgender lifestyle is lived with any sort of trying to achieve fun, they are sadly mistaken. But, lives can be lived to achieve a high level of satisfaction when a high level of inner femininity is reached and a wonderful new lifestyle is found. 

Climbing the Gender Ladder

Image from Armand Khoury
on UnSplash

As I always point out, changing genders is an incredibly difficult and intricate task. For those of us who struggled for years just to fit in as part of the male world, undoing it all and joining the feminine side seems to be insane. Who would do that? Of course being a transgender woman or man, you would know the answer. We had no choice . All of it makes the thought pattern ridiculous to think we made a conscious choice to give up one life to transition to another. Again, we made the choice but often the decision involved a life or death situation. Which is what happened to me.  "JoannaS" recently commented on a similar idea I would like to share:

"What you are describing is incredibly common for a trans person as they advance into their identity. The focus on externals drops off and the internals become far more important. You have passed that awkward stage which is akin to another puberty and stabilize into every day living"

 Thanks for the comment! Looking back I think my advancement through another puberty and the stabilization process into living as a transgender woman was similar to climbing a ladder, then jumping off. At first it was difficult to shed all my male weight I was carrying around. Literally I took weight off to look better in my clothes and figuratively I had all the ingrained male responses to society I had picked up over my many years of living. An example would be I needed to replace the perpetual male scowl I had perfected to keep people away and replace it with a more feminine softer look. After all, the last thing I wanted to do was to have people think I was grumpy and/or unreachable. 

Through the process, as I climbed higher and higher on my new gender ladder, the more I understood again how I was afraid of heights. What would become of my life if I left all of my old male self behind and all the privileges I had accumulated. As, as Joanna said, when I finally was able to pass through another puberty, my thought processes cleared out and began to see what privileges a feminine life could offer me. The main benefit or privilege was I could feel natural in the world. Especially following beginning hormone replacement therapy, my universe went through a very real and welcoming softening. Sure my outward appearance softened with my skin but my inward feelings became more understanding to others around me as the effects of testosterone went away. 

What I couldn't understand was  why my male self was still fighting so hard to still hang around and control part of my life. The farther up I climbed along with my increasing ability to exist and communicate with my new world, still, there he was still tagging along. I needed to fight constantly to not dress for him but to blend in with the world was one example of many. Finally I climbed too high and was able to see my new feminine gender world for the wonderful future it offered. I just needed the courage to jump. What was left of my male self was telling me the landing would be a rough one and even result in a disaster. At the same time my suddenly stronger inner woman, emboldened by all her recent successes was pushing me to take the final leap of faith and jump.

You all know the rest of the story. I did summon up all the courage I could to live my life as a full time transgender woman. What I didn't realize how many new found women friends I had to help me into their world. It made me wonder again and again why I waited so long to jump off my gender ladder. 

Writing Your Own Script

Image from Brad Starky on
UnSplash

 It could be argued very few human beings ever have the chance to end one part of their life and start over legally without doing something completely wrong. As a transgender person, woman or man, we are blessed with the opportunity to do so.

Years ago, during our eleven year build up to becoming a married couple, my wife Liz said to me one day I had the chance to build a new person and what exactly would they be. Initially,  Liz referred to just my outwardly feminine appearance. Would I be a girly girl wearing makeup and dresses all the time or would I be a more "normal" woman in her mind who dresses up for mostly just special occasions.  At the time I had to consider what she was asking. Most certainly she was right in I had the chance to finally live my dream to live as a full time transgender woman. Little did I know then how many new changes or transitions I was in store for. 

The main one came when I threw out or donated all my old male clothes. I decided when I did, I formally made the transition from serious cross dresser or transvestite to a new transgender woman. Just going from occasionally changing my appearance  to living it was a huge change. When I did it, I knew gender play time was over and among other things, it was time for me to consider contacting a doctor and checking out if I was qualified to begin hormone replacement therapy.  At that time, changes to my life began to come at me too quickly on occasion. I did of course locate a doctor in suburban Dayton, Ohio who gave me a physical (which I passed) gave me quick advice on how my hair would grow as my sexual urges went away and basically sent me on my way with my introductory prescriptions to minimum dosage estradiol and testosterone blockers. Timing turned out to be everything when Liz and I got together for a New Years Eve date and I took the first dosages and started my future as a happy secure transgender woman. Before it all could happen, many changes would have to happen first.

The first major change was my hair did grow as fast as my breasts and I was able to stop wearing wigs for the first time in my life. I was so fortunate in that no male patterned baldness ran in the family. My biggest problem was being able to see the back of my head in the mirror so I could see how my hair looked since I couldn't fall back on simply turning the wig head anymore. Ironically, the rest of my feminization process was happening faster than I anticipated. With my budding breasts and softer skin, I started to appear very androgynous suddenly. I was pushed along into a world I wanted to be part of but was still terrified to join and write my own script.

As I began to dress as a woman daily, the desire to spend an inordinate amount of time on makeup and frilly clothes went away. Right or wrong, I began to fall back to the "every woman" casual look of jeans (or jean skirts) loose flowing tops to hide my thick torso and flat shoes for comfort. Liz's initial question was answered, I was certainly not a "girly-girl". It turned out, my fashion sense was going to be the least of my problems when I transitioned into a woman's world. All of a sudden, I had to exist the best I could in male dominated spaces such as auto shops and even car junk yards. I had quite the upbringing. Communication still was my biggest problem to conquer. 

Even though I tried my best to ignore men, they still make up a sizeable portion of the population which I needed to deal with. I don't think I have ever totally overcome all of my communication fears but I have been able to at least face them. 

Writing your own script for the second time in life can be a terrifying yet exciting experience. One most humans never have the opportunity to attempt. Very few can say they threw out the bad and brought in the good when they had the chance to live a life they often just dreamed of.       

The Good Old Days?

On a Good Adventure in 
Columbus from the Jessie
Hart Archives 

As a transgender woman of a few years, I have a tendency to look back at my life. When I do, often the positive memories out number the negative ones. Of course I remember the benefits of being younger and potentially more attractive.  I had substantially fewer wrinkles as we all do when we are younger but on the negative side, I had more and darker beard growth.  These days I can get away for the occasional close shave every couple of days with no electrolysis ever. 

Then there were all the other days when I seemingly wanted to force my way out of my closet by making very bad fashion choices and ended up being ridiculed by a discerning public. For years I was sure all the public was just looking at me. Heading home extremely depressed to the point of crying most certainly were not the good old days. As with anything else in life, I needed to learn the hard way on how to properly face the public as a feminine transgender woman before I could experience the days I remember so fondly now.

Ironically, so many of my so called positive experiences were more adventures than anything else. Since I was always under a self imposed curfew to be home and undressed before my wife arrived back from her job, I seemed some nights I was literally counting the minutes. Those were the early nights when I was approached by several different lesbians in a small venue I went to often. Perhaps on those adventures I did too good of a job projecting myself as a "lipstick" lesbian where I went with my tight jeans, boots and long blond hair. On the other hand, the more likely possibility was the other women knew what they were getting into and were just considering some experimentation. In those days my old male ego was still with me completely and I was very vain about how I looked as a woman. 

Another reason I had adventures was I put myself into situations where I could find them. I actively sought out venues where the possibility of being harassed ran high, just to see if I could get by. Those were the evenings I had the cops called on me all the way to being asked to leave one venue. Plus the worst night I can ever remember was when another woman verbally assaulted me in the women's restroom by calling me a pervert. Definitely not the good old days. Destiny was kind to me though. Normally when I was at my lowest point mentally with my long drawn out gender transition something came along to encourage me. I would use the term "gender euphoria" but I think all of this occurred well before the term was invented. What was really happening was I was beginning to learn the basics of gender survival I would need to survive a very rocky journey. I needed to learn the hard way being a woman was so much more than appearance. How I walked the walk and talked the talk became so much more important to me. Of course I still wanted to look my best and I kept my weight down as well as keeping my skin as feminine as possible. I began to look at shaving as the ultimate defoliator. 

All we can ask for in life is to get an even break. Even though the good old days may not have been that good, I was fortunate in that I was able to learn from them and survive.     

Transgender Inclusion

 

My Fave Girls. Liz on left, daughter on right
from the Jessie Hart Archives 

I actually survived my second "Seder" Jewish ritual service and dinner in fairly good shape. The one my wife Liz and I were invited to last year proved to be very uncomfortable due to my back's reactions to very uncomfortable chairs. This year I was greeted by my son in law to my own comfortable chair which ended up fitting perfectly with the table we ate at. I was so relieved. 

I also was happy my trans grandchild was the "moderator" and led the lengthy service which was partly in Jewish. Since lately I seem to struggle with English, speaking nay Jewish was certainly out of my reach. 

It turned out,  my grandchild who is re-enrolling in The Ohio State University this Spring seems to be coming out of their shell quite a bit and was there with their partner, whose name I promptly screwed up when we arrived. So much for making a good second impression. Which has been normally the story of my life. Open mouth, insert foot. 

Being included so totally in their rituals of the Jewish Faith has always been amazing to me. In fact, years ago at my oldest grandson's Bar Mitzfah  I was asked to get up in front of many people in his temple and have a part in the service. I was still early into my Mtf gender transition and was petrified but was able to come through it all unscathed.  I am not a real expert but the Jewish Temple my daughter and family belong to are Reform Jews and not the stricter Orthodox Jews which is possibly why I was welcomed and included with open arms.

For the day, as I wrote about briefly yesterday, since I was never allowed to even think about wearing a pretty, bight colored dress like the girls and women were allowed to wear,  I resorted to wearing my own bright colored clothes. What I attempted to do was wear as much as I could of the clothes and accessories my wife Liz has made for me over the years. She knitted me a pink and blue sleeveless sweater vest which I wore over a white camisole top and my bright patterned leggings. Then I added the earrings and hand beaded trans hair beret she made me. As I said yesterday, she is very talented and has her own shops on the Etsy craft platform under "Liz T Deigns" if you would like to visit it. 

Outside of being able to wear what I wanted to relieve myself of past anxieties, the best time I had was when my transgender grandchild made a special effort to sit down with Liz and I and discuss their advanced Physic's course she was taking soon at OSU when classes resume. They (chosen pronouns) most certainly didn't  get any of my genetics from me in the math or science area's of academia. I can barely add or subtract on a good day. I wish I could say I understood all they were talking about but I didn't. I was better suited in understanding the history behind the "Seder" ritual and how in it's own way intersects with all the problems going on today in the Middle East. 

 As I thought of all of sadness in the world and discrimination against the transgender population, my fondest hope is I can leave some sort of a legacy on how you can lead a successful life as a trans person. Being included in such an inviting ritual such as a "Seder" was a start.

It's Easter Weekend

 

Hand Beaded Trans Beret from
LizT Designs on Etsy

This weekend features the special observance days of several major religions around the world. As I was raised in a semi-serious religious home, we didn't do much for the Easter Christian religious observance. Of course I remember quite vividly how much I disliked  dressing up in the male restricting clothes such as a tie which I hated so much. I would have rather worn one of the pretty bright colored dresses all the girls my age were able to wear. At the time, the earth seemed to be tilted unfairly in the girls direction. 

Today, in a sense, I get just a bit of revenge on my past. My wife and I are attending a Jewish observance that we were invited to at my daughter's mother in law's house. Appetizers will be served before the formal observance which was well attended last year by mostly friends of my two out of three grandkids. Unfortunately, my grandchild who is transgender probably won't be there today because they live with their partner in Virginia which is quite the trip from Ohio. 

For the day, I have decided to brighten my wardrobe up for the Spring weather we are finally now beginning to see. I am wearing a sleeveless very light sweater top Liz handmade for me paired with my patterned bright colored leggings. I even went all out and put in my long unused earrings which again Liz made for me. Plus to spotlight my transgender status in this time of uncertainty, I am wearing the trans hand beaded hair beret which again was made by Liz. If you are catching a theme right now, you are right. Liz is very talented. 

So, in my own way to get even with the mean old days when I wasn't allowed to wear anything bright colored to Easter observations. I am going light and bright.  The only drawback is if I am going to be warm enough. I have decided to throw caution to the wind and wear my bright sleeveless outfit to the Jewish observation of "Seder". While I am not Jewish, my daughter is and it will be good to see her. 

Whatever what religion you may happen to have an Easter observance with this weekend, I hope you have a good one. 

Which Closet was It?

Restroom Photo from the
Jessie Hart 
Collection

 Is your perception of the gender closet you lived in (or live in) masculine or feminine?  Until I really began to think about it, I always thought my closet was built by my false masculine self to keep my stronger feminine inner being well hidden. I'm sure most of you faced the same problems as your old male became very proficient at laying new bricks in your closet as fast as your girl was trying to find ways to escape.

Because my girl self was the one in the closet, I considered it a feminine enclosure. I even went as far as remodeled a room in the house we were restoring as my makeover room. As I remember, I painted it a pastel shade, bought a used vanity and mirror and then decorated the walls with vintage pictures of beautiful film stars such as Marilyn Monroe. For some reason which will now be never known, my deceased wife went along with my idea of having a room my girl could call her own. Maybe she thought giving in and letting me decorate my own room would help alleviate my gender stress for awhile by allowing me to express myself.

The problem became was when (of course) just having a room for my clothes and makeup just wasn't enough.  No matter how nice it was, my new closet could not replace the allure of getting out in the world and finding out if I could exist in the world as a transgender woman. For the longest time I was able to stay in and interact with my wife or the mirror before I could stand it no longer and had to open the door of my cage and see the world for the first time. All went well when we set up new boundaries for awhile when we got together and decided once a week I was allowed to go out, rent a motel room out of town and dress as a woman. From there I could go out and explore my new exciting world. Sadly, for the sake of our relationship, none of what I was doing really helped. The more I was out of my feminine closet, the more I wanted to do. Essentially,  I was beginning to live my lifetime dream. The process felt so natural I never wanted to go back and rebuild a male closet to live in. 

In a very short span of time due to my new expanding life, my old life became shambles when I started to seize every opportunity I had to dress up and head out the door. What I was doing was breaking our agreement in regards to my gender expression and putting extra unwanted strain on our relationship. However, the more I was able to spend time out of my old male closet, the ripping and tearing of my overall life became unbearable.  In other words, the more I tried to live a portion of my life in each of the two main gender binaries all the time  the worse life became. Which eventually led me to a suicide attempt. It turned out to be just the latest in a string of incredibly self destructive events I attempted before her death from a sudden heart attack. 

I was so fortunate I was able to have a happy ending of sorts when I finally was able to escape all the negativity as well as my gender closet. In the end, it didn't matter if my cage was masculine or feminine. Only that I was able to escape all the problems which came from within the closet and live my truth as a full time transgender woman.