Impostor Symdrome

 

Photo from the Jessie Hart
Collection on a dinner date.

To me, impostor syndrome means once you are out and about as your authentic self  in public and all of a sudden you suffer from sneaking suspicions all is not right begins to influence you. It's similar to completing all the hard work it takes to prepare yourself for meeting the public. I vividly remember stressing out over the smallest details of my hair, makeup and clothing. When I did, the most amazing thing happened, I began to make it in the world as a transgender woman. For the most part, I was walking on cloud nine in my heels I wore all the time back in the day. 

Perhaps I was just waiting for the other shoe to fall when it came to dealing with the public. Normally, all the problems came about when I was engaging with other women, As I remember, the conversation started quite normally and as I tried my best to modulate my voice and sound feminine, I could see in the person's eyes they were thinking something was wrong. Somehow, someway I couldn't seem to close the deal I was a woman. As I considered again what I was doing wrong, I thought I had (or was) covering all the bases of why I couldn't feel entirely comfortable.

Looking back, I don't think I considered the most important parts of what was causing my impostor syndrome. I know I was very impatient and on occasion expected miracles when I went public for the first times. I didn't take into consideration how long it takes a cis woman to grow from being a female into living as a woman. It is not an easy task or even a given for either binary gender to grow up and be a responsible human being. Plus, even through I had been cross dressing as a transvestite in front of the mirror for years before I went into the world, I missed many of the basics I would need to survive and hopefully prosper. I never faced the fact I never had any of the peer or Mom influence on my fashion and public appearance. To put it mildly, there was quite a bit of catching up to do.

I also had to overcome the initial bad experiences I went through when I first escaped my dark lonely closet. I needed to try to forget all the times I was laughed at or stared at in public as well as bad restroom experiences when I had the cops called on me. Even though I have used the women's room  with no problems for years now, I still have the slightest fear of push back when all I am doing is going to the bathroom. Impostor syndrome at it's worst even though I have been in so many different restroom situations over the years, Again with no problems. 

Since I was able to live an unwanted but fairly successful male life for so many years, I am asking too much for my impostor syndrome to just go away in my feminine life. I have every bit of a right to occupy a spot in a woman's circle as any other cis woman. I just earned my rights in a different way. The problem I often have is the only person I have to convince about my femininity is myself. Impostor syndrome is hard to shake after all. After all these years of letting my feminine person out of her closet she should be allowed to totally rule my world without all these distractions.