Climbing the Gender Mountain

 

Image from David Billings
on UnSplash

As we transform ourselves over the years to live as our authentic gender selves many changes take place. Recently I came to the conclusion the whole process is similar to climbing a gender mountain. Initially we start in a huge valley and attempt to make our way out. 

Similar to so many of you, I started my journey exploring the wonderful world of my Mom's clothes and then working my way to the mirror. On a good day I was able to gather enough courage to walk down our long driveway to the mailbox when I was dressed. We lived on a rural road so cars were rare and discovery was nearly non existent.  Even so, I felt I had reached the first pinnacle of my climb and I rested then wanted more. If I had more guidance back then, I am sure I wouldn't have to have waited all those years to understand I was much more than a casual cross dresser who was attracted to wearing feminine clothes. 

Perhaps the next step I took up the mountain was when I started to go to Halloween parties as the most attractive woman I could be. Each year I improved the process so much on occasion I was mistaken for a cis woman. I loved it when it happened and was so sad when I had to wait another long year before another Halloween rolled around. Another year of just me and my mirror. The one thing I knew for sure was once I had reached a certain point of acceptance in my preferred gender, I could never go back to my unwanted, mundane male life. From Halloween interactions forward in my life, times were due to become more complex as the climb became steeper. Once I started to break out of my gender closet and explore, the more I saw of the mountain, the more I wanted.

Those were the days of escaping the endless clothing stores and malls searching for acceptance and doing my best to climb even higher to my goal of existing as a transgender woman in the public's eye. This step was radical for me and required years of work and years of learning on what I needed to do to achieve the new goals I had set up for myself. In fact, for the longest time back then I wasn't even aware I needed any gender goals. What I did know was the more I was able to look out and experience this new wonderful world I was in, the more I loved it. I certainly wanted to attempt to keep climbing. The problem was I was becoming increasingly engaged in a fight with my male self over my actual life as I knew it. In other words I was becoming more stressed on how I spent my time in each of my competing genders. Not to mention a marriage I was trying to protect . I can compare it to climbing to a certain point and then looking up to see how far I still needed to go.

At this point, the stress of the climb became too much and I became very self destructive. All the way down to falling into the valley of a suicide attempt. Of course it took me time to restart my climb after dealing with that massive set back but somehow I was able. Perhaps the biggest reason why was deep down I knew I was on the right path. I knew somehow I needed to climb higher and see what life offered. The next step I took was a major one when I started hormone replacement therapy which helped to further feminize my exterior self to sync with  my interior self. Once I did the HRT, new wonderful opportunities to climb opened up to me. Even still since I am afraid of heights, the fear of going higher often scared me.

Finally, with the help of several very supportive friends and family I was able to undertake a major step upward and decided to live my dream of being a fulltime transgender woman. By the time I did, I wondered why it took me so long because I felt so natural. I was just afraid to climb.