Saturday, January 25, 2025

Master of Myself

Transgender Flag from Lena Balk
on UnSplash. 

Or would have it been proper to say, Mistress of myself?

Probably so, as one way or another, I really struggled to arrive at where I needed to be to achieve my goal of transgender womanhood. Often, I write about how many nights when I came home in tears following being laughed at by an unfeeling public. Looking back now, I have a difficult time wondering what kept me going along my gender path. 

I suppose the little flashes of gender euphoria I experienced kept me going. Such as when I was accepted in malls and clothing stores before I realized all the clerks were seeing was my money, not my gender. Before long, the more experience I put behind me as a cross dresser or novice transgender woman, slowly the path was smoother and the happier I was becoming.

Then there were the small mixers I went to in nearby Columbus, Ohio. When I attended, I was able to see and meet all levels of the LGBTQ community. From admirers to transsexuals to lesbians, they all were there. It was one of the mixers where I was cornered by a much larger crossdresser admirer who was trying to take advantage of me and could have until I was rescued by my second wife. It was also there when I had my first encounter with a curious lesbian, and we left the mixer to visit a bigger lesbian bar. At that point, I was still heavily questioning which way my life would go. What kind of a path was I on and did I control it at all. 

In order to gain control, the only thing I could do was try to gain more and more experience as a transgender woman to learn if I was headed in the right direction with my life. So much was at stake and the pressure was on to make the right decision. In the meantime, I continued to follow my path and learn if I could indeed flip my gender script and attempt to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Perhaps, discovering the truth about myself, would finally provide me the missing link I was seeking. Of course, just dressing to appear as a woman did not solve the problem. As I gained confidence in the world, the world wanted to know more about me. The whole process opened up a whole new range of life opportunities. Such as how was I going to learn to communicate as a woman, all the way to adjusting to a whole new world of passive aggressive women. 

Again, it took a while for me to regain control of my life. Of course, attempting to change genders into my authentic self was a seismic shift in my life. On one hand, my authentic self-felt so natural but on the other, the entire process was so scary. So, I took my time before I started taking gender affirming hormones, so I burned all my gender bridges behind me. Looking back now, I wish I had done it all sooner and taken better control of my life.

I did not however and ended up not transitioning until I was in my sixties. Once I did, there was no looking back and I became the mistress of myself. Finally.  

 

Friday, January 24, 2025

Never a Choice

 

Image from Mika
Baumeister on UnSplash




After all these years I still receive the comment of why I chose to leave my male gender behind and pursue transgender womanhood. 

Ironically, very few people removed from the transgender umbrella understand I never had a choice and spent nearly fifty years figuring it all out. Sure, there were brief moments of gender clarity which somehow, I refused to recognize. Then, as the years rolled by, I kept accumulating male baggage which became more and more difficult to consider leaving behind. Examples would be family, friends and jobs which being masculine depended on success. I was caught between having success as a male in a world I never really wanted. For the longest time, every time I was successful at something as a man, I fantasized if I could do it as a transgender woman. A stop gap measure which in the end just caused me more frustration. 

Plus, eventually, frustration turned into more gender pressure. The whole process turned me into a very self-destructive person. Along the way, I tried to tear down all the male successes I had built up. I drank too much, drove too recklessly and even tried suicide as a final solution to my gender pain. Finally, before it was too late, I realized my error. I never had a gender choice and attempting to live even a partial life as a male was a waste of time.

To make matters worse, I was very stubborn, and I attempted to hang on as long as I could in my transgender world by trying to live partially in both worlds, male and female. Slowly but surely, I discovered I could not continue to live that way. The more I learned about living as a trans woman, the more feasible a complete transition became to me. The whole process took me back to my earliest days cross dressed in front of a mirror at home when I realized I wanted to do so much more than just look feminine. I wanted to be feminine but my upbringing in a male dominated family was throwing up all sorts of roadblocks for my future. So, I learned what most men learn. To internalize my feelings the best I could. Which would lead me too much more serious problems later on in life.

The biggest problem was I was fighting the gender battle of my life. Regardless of what my male self was telling me about maintaining the status quo, sooner more than later I would have to face reality and know my gender was never a choice. I could not rest and enjoy my life until I finally made the ultimate decision. 

One lonely night as I was again pondering my future at the age of sixty, I weighed the benefits of both of the genders I was trying to maintain. In a blinding moment of clarity, I gave up forever any rights I ever had to a male life. 

It was the best decision I had ever made in my life. All of a sudden, this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. From that point forward I decided to pursue gender affirming hormones and give all my male clothes away. Most importantly, I faced up to the fact I had never been a male except biologically which had nothing to do with my brain. I followed my brain and never looked back. '

Without the gender monkey on my back, I had a chance to live my life my way. The way I never had a choice of and took too long to realize it. 

Thursday, January 23, 2025

Survival versus Impostor Syndrome

Conch Shells

 Many times, during my journey into transgender womanhood, I have experienced my fair share of impostor syndrome when I was able to slip in behind the gender curtain.

Most of the time, my fight with impostor syndrome happened early in life when I was first coming out. It was so unfair when I had spent so much time and effort to perfect my feminine presentation, only to be rejected by my own thoughts. The syndrome was especially strong when I was invited to girl's night's outs or used the women's room. 

On our recent vacation trip, I am happy to say, I think the old curse of impostor syndrome went totally away. Since the trip in reality had very few men in relation to women, many times when we ate meals, we ate with other women. I knew I had it made when others asked if we were sisters. Sadly, the overall physical stress of the trip began to take its toll on me. The sicker and weaker I became, the only thing I was trying to do was make it home in one piece. No matter how hard I tried, Covid was stronger and ended up putting me in a hospital in suburban Atlanta for several days, until I could regain my strength and travel again. I have written before how my daughter had to drive down from Ohio to rescue us when there were no rental cars available. 

Again, survival became the priority over worrying about petty issues about what rest room I was going to use. The only time I wavered in deciding what rest room I was going to use was when we stopped at a little seafood place in Florida around the Everglades. There were only two restrooms to use, clearly marked male and female, so the line to the women's room was very long. After a short time, a few brave women began to go ahead and use the men's room, not unlike you are able to see if you go to any major sporting events. I thought long and hard about going ahead and using the male side but ultimately decided it would be a bad idea. Since I did not have to go that bad and did not want to destroy my perfect restroom record which has gone back over a decade, I decided to wait and use the women's room. 

As we waited for our boat tour of the Everglades, we had lunch, and I was able to order a first for me, Conch Fritters. So, I was able to cross another item off my personal bucket list. During lunch, we found a seat at a table with a couple and a very gruff man wearing an Army hat. He did not seem to want to talk much to me and even though I very badly wanted to ask him where he served, I did not. In some ways, impostor syndrome had set in. 

Of course, in the hospital, as I have written about before, pure survival on my part had set in.  All I wanted was to feel better and be discharged. There was no time to be worried about any sort of impostor syndrome at all. In fact, the whole deal I went through made my ancient worries about fitting in seem very petty in comparison. 

So petty, I wonder if I was ever the same person who was so completely into obsessing on my feminine appearance. Perhaps I needed that time in my life to grow into the transgender woman I am today. I was not aware there were going to be multiple transitions as I grew into my authentic self. Being a functional woman meant so much more than just looking like one. There were factors such as developing communication and personality skills also.

Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Coming Out Day

 

Key Largo Boat Trip

Recently, I have written several times how my daughter rose to the occasion and drove the six plus hours to Atlanta from Ohio to rescue my wife Liz and I when we were stuck after I landed in the hospital and could not finish our bus trip back.

Our plight became increasingly desperate after there were no rental cars available for us to rent for the trip back. 

This is not the first time I have needed to turn to my daughter for help in my life. First and foremost was the time I came out to her as my authentic transgender self. To my surprise, instead of rejecting me, she simply said why was she the last to know. When in fact, she was one of the first family members I had ever tried to explain who I truly was to. She was under the impression her mother, who was/is my first wife knew I was trans. When in fact her mom knew all along, I was a cross dresser but never knew I wanted to pursue our gender issues any further. The only other person my daughter was referring to was my second wife or her stepmother who always rejected any idea of her living with another woman if I transitioned. So, I needed to explain to my kid, she really was the first.

I remember the coming out day so long ago like it was yesterday. Naturally, I was petrified yet secretly excited to tell another person my deepest, darkest secret. I was leading a hidden life all along and never wanted to be male at all. 

Once I blurted out my transgender truth, I felt immediately better. Especially so after I learned of my daughter's enthusiastic and unqualified acceptance of me. She immediately made plans to go shopping with me, which I rejected and then made an appointment for me at her upscale beauty spa for a hair makeover for my birthday. To this day, the appointment she made was one of the most life changing feminine experiences I have ever gone through. Very quickly I learned why cis women everywhere cherish their time with their beauty stylist. 

Now, as my daughter is coming close to finish raising three wonderful kids (including one who is transgender) it seems she is now shifting to care giver mode with several elderly extended family members. Including me of course. I am so fortunate to have Liz to help me also to take most all of the possible burden off of my daughter. 

In the meantime, I can't say enough about how much I appreciate all the help she has given me. I consider myself a very independent person and being a senior transgender woman has put added pressures into my life. This latest bout I fought with Covid has brought me into an increased focus of what is important in my life. My health and the people around me.   

Tuesday, January 21, 2025

tRumpt Promptly Comes after Us

 

Image from Darren Halstead 
on UnSplash

Of course, one of the first groups of people newly elected president tRumpt came after was transgender women and trans men. He dictated the country under his direction would only recognize two genders, male and female. 

This of course would affect everything from gender markers to passports. For all you transgender people who voiced your support for tRumpt, I wonder what you are thinking now. Perhaps the worst part of all of this is, we are just into day one of his term in office. Dark, troubling times are ahead for the LGBTQ community, especially the transgender portion. Of course, this should come as no major surprise to any rational thinking person.

I wonder what will happen when the new reality sets in with the gay and lesbian sectors of the country who, for the most part, became quite comfortable with their current status in our society. Then again, what will happen with all the active military transgender members who will be affected by all of this. I wonder too, what is going to happen with my Veteran's Administration services. I receive my gender affirming hormones through VA health care. So, I wonder what will happen.

Still, I resent the fact, a number of transgender women I know who voiced their support for the orange menace.

I hope you are satisfied with the price of eggs along with the rest of you. 

Finally, none of this mentioned the overall treatment of women as a whole by the political party ruled by tRumpt. It is also beyond me how any woman, cis or trans could support a party which wants to take their (our) rights away. 

It's too late now, we have billionaires like Musk giving the Nazi salute on stage this week. We are doomed. I am afraid.

Monday, January 20, 2025

The Remainder of the Vacation

 

Hemingway House,
Key West

My wife Liz and I's vacation was wrapped up when my daughter came down from Ohio to Atlanta to pick us up.

We were desperate because we could not find a car to rent anywhere for a one-way trip. We tried four or five of the major leasing agencies with no luck. All of them wanted us to bring the car back to their store after we were done, which naturally did us no good. At this point, my daughter stepped in, took a day off of work and was on the road within hours to pick us up.

The trip from her home in suburban Dayton, Ohio to where we were in Atlanta was a six-and-a-half-hour trip one way. So, it was no small undertaking. Needless to say, the least we could do was pay for her motel room the night before we made the return trip, and the gas needed for the journey.

The main benefit to me, other than being able to return home was I was surrounded by the two most fierce gender allies of my transgender womanhood. I could relax, knowing they would lead the way in case I encountered any gender bigots or transphobes as we traveled through the deep south. Of particular need was access to women's restroom since I was prescribed my Spironolactone again to help reduce the increased swelling in both of my ankles. If you are not aware, Spiro is a diuretic which is a water pill which is also used to decrease testosterone in the body. Since my testosterone levels had been near zero for years, I quit taking the medication. As soon as I started the meds again, very quickly, restrooms became my best friend. 

As luck or experience would have it, I did not have any problems with restrooms at all. Especially, on the trip back when I was wearing a face mask to protect as much as possible, those around me from the dreaded Covid virus. I had forgotten how wearing a mask, precluded almost anyone attacking my authentic self. 

I was fortunate I received the Covid booster when I did, so I caught a lesser level of the disease which could have been very bad for me at my age of seventy-five.  As it is now, I am just now regaining my strength, and my congestion is beginning to lessen. 

Even with all the struggle, I am glad I went along on the trip to the Florida Keys, especially Key West. It was all I had imagined and so much more. It was a very diverse and welcoming place I will never forget. I just wish I had not worried so much about the trip beforehand.   

Sunday, January 19, 2025

The Ultimate Gender Challenge?

 

Image from Alexander Simonsen
on UnSplash

As I was in an ambulance on the way to a strange hospital in suburban Atlanta, I was so far out of it that I did not much care about being mis-gendered. I just wanted to feel better. 

All started out well as the EMS ambulance drivers referred to me without fail as Mz. Hart or Jessie. At least their kindness made me feel as if everything would indeed turn out to be OK. Then I thought how being gendered at a medical center has to be unique transgender experience. When you have to face strangers as your most fragile self. 

For a while, I was secure in the fact I would make it through the rank-and-file medical personnel accepted me as a female patient. Until I came to the most intimate point of my admission process. It was the time I needed to strip naked and fitted for an ubiquitous hospital robe. It was then when I was fitted for one of those contraptions to enable me not to wet the bed. It turned out, initially I was given a female version then asked if I wanted a male one which fit me better later on. At that point, it was obvious to me, I was confusing a portion of my nurses and that was where my wife Liz came in. Whenever a nurse refereed to me as he, Liz would promptly correct them. 

Overall, my hospital experience went as well as could be expected. I had reached the point of no return since I had never pursued any sort of gender realignment surgeries for any number of reasons. Including my lack of financial opportunities as well as not having good enough insurance to even think about any major operations. By this time, age had set in, as well as a fairly comfortable lifestyle with a family who accepted my transgender womanhood. Plus, I always had an aversion to pain I could not overcome so I did not even pursue any beard removal work. My lazy way out worked well with close shaves over the years along with the effects of gender affirming hormones, until it didn't. Which deep down I knew I would have to face someday. 

Well, the time was upon me last week during my hospital stay when I was too weak to get out of bed for several days so I could shave. When I was finally released to be discharged by the doctor in charge of my care, the first thing I did was closely shave and apply some light foundation as I brushed out my hair. Needless to say, I could not wait to put my hospital experience behind me. In all fairness, nearly all the hospital staff was nice to us and were intrigued by the fact Liz and I were stuck in Georgia after our bus had to leave us behind. I think they were behind me regaining my strength so I could. 

One way or another, it was an extreme gender learning experience.  

Saturday, January 18, 2025

Sisters on Vacation?

 

Liz. Outside of Harpoon Harry's
in Key West.

The first inclination I was being accepted as my authentic feminine self on my vacation came when a few of the other women on the trip began to casually talk to my wife Liz and me. 

Since most women are curious by nature, they started the conversation by asking if we were sisters, which was music to my ears. It was especially meaningful because the bus was heavily populated by farmers from Southeast Indiana. Not known as one of the more liberal places to come from. The cute part came when Liz said we were not sisters but in fact were married. Without fail, the reaction was aloud surprised "Oh!". On a couple occasions Liz had to tell them we were wife and wife. 

Surprisingly to me, the overall reaction was either positive or at the least non-committal. The only half negative reaction I received was from one man and his wife who we ate dinner with one night. Both of them chatted freely with Liz while mostly ignoring me. I got over it easily and even used the women's room after dinner with no problems.

I was very fortunate the entire trip, especially during my time in the Georgia hospital, Liz led the way telling repeatedly everyone my true pronouns. For the most part, on the bus I did not need the help and especially in Key West. I can't say enough about the good time I had there. To start with, of course it is an incredibly diverse place. We were pre-booked on the Conch Train which toured all the sites which helped with my lack of mobility. Included was the Earnest Heminway House which Liz wanted to visit. 

Of course, being the huge Jimmy Buffett fan I always was, we had to visit the Buffett store to add to my t-shirt collection. If you notice to the middle left of the image, you will see one of the handles of the wheeled walker I needed to get around. Sure, it was exhausting but worth it.

Sadly, all the good times which come marked the end of our adventure because little did, I know Covid was waiting on our doorstep to make the rest of our trip a real challenge. 

Friday, January 17, 2025

I'm Back...Mostly

 


Well, my wife Liz and I's vacation to the Florida Keys was eventful, with many unexpected turns.

Since I have quite a bit to write about, I will start at the beginning of our bus trip. As we boarded a nearly empty bus way before dawn in suburban Cincinnati the morning was very cold and clear. From our boarding point, we needed to make two other stops to pick up other passengers for the trip in nearby Northern Kentucky.  Since we were nearly the first on the bus, my paranoia about being the only transgender passenger was calmed, especially since I was under the cover of darkness. 

As daylight came around and the bus filled up, the pressure for me to make a good first impression came with it. I managed to cope with a small mirror I put away into my purse, along with my foundation powder and lipstick. So instant touch ups were within my reach.

Of course, all too soon came the all-important first rest room stop. I stayed very close to Liz as we went in and there were no problems with anyone on the bus, or other strangers who were already coming or going in the women's room. I did my business, washed up and left with no interference which made me feel relieved after all the months of worry I put into thinking of what could happen. 

At this point, our bus driver deserves a strong recommendation for his work in getting us safely through very snowy and icy road conditions we encountered as we made our way south from Ohio. He also was available to help me on and off the bus when needed. 

Long story short, we made it to Georgia and spent the night in Macon. Then off to Orlando for our next stop.  By this time, I could not wait to make it to our staging destination of Key Largo. Then Liz and I began to notice how many people on the bus had bad coughs. Which is a spoiler alert for what happened to me later in the trip and would involve a trip to a hospital in Georgia. 

More on it, plus a very pleasant trip to Key West coming up when I finally begin to feel better, because I caught Covid on the bus. Even though I had been given the booster three months ago. Make of that what you will.

 

 

Opening Transgender Doors

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