So Close yet So Far

 Every morning when I wake up, after I figure out which part of my old body hurts me the worst, I begin to think about what I will write about here in Cyrsti's Condo, 

After more than six thousand posts over the years, often it's not the easiest process. 

This morning, the idea didn't come until I was talking to Liz about our past experience with Ohio University (not Ohio State) OU is a medium sized school in Southern Ohio which happens to have a well respected communication school. 

It was of interest to me because at the time, I had over five years experience in the radio business as an announcer (DJ), was just out of the Army and had a couple years of GI Bill money I could use on education. Since I already possessed a bachelors degree, the natural move would have been to work on my Masters in Communication. 

To make a long story short, I didn't do it. I used all my usual excuses such as having a new daughter and not really wanting to uproot my little party world by moving to another. Looking back on it now, the real reason I was afraid of moving myself ahead was rooted in my gender dysphoria. When times became real tough mentally, I could always fall back on wearing a dress and makeup. I just bought into the fake reality that women somehow had an easier life.

The more accomplished I became with my feminine appearance, I became so close to actually finding out what women went through but remained so far away. Worse yet, I used the process to become very self destructive in my life. Too much angst led to too much alcohol as I tried to self medicate my bi polar tendencies away. All mixed in with a very strong gender dysphoria. 

The end result is I am surprised I happened along several women who loved me over the years and I was able to survive and actually thrive on occasion.

Until I was actually able to fully complete my Mtf gender transition though, I finally was able to put my so close yet so far reality in the rear view mirror. 

Living my authentic life still seems like a dream after all these years.

Pantene Transgender Ad

Transgender girl and two Moms.

The next time you consider buying shampoo or other hair care products, you may want to look at using the Pantene line. Here is why:

"A new Pantene ad celebrates LGBTQ families by featuring a transgender girl with her two lesbian mothers, MetroWeekly reports.

The ad tells the story of Sawyer, her mothers, and their family motto, "Everybody loves everybody, no matter what path you follow."

Ashley, one of Sawyer's mothers, described the significance of her daughter's hair in the process of transitioning. "Once she told us that she identified as a girl, she immediately wanted to grow her hair out," she says in the ad.

"I remember the first time she was out in the community wearing the clothing she wanted and her hair," Ashley continues. "And she kind of was herself. And that was the first day where I saw her."

For Sawyer, growing her hair out made her "feel good and confident, and it made my insides match my outsides."

The ad is another recent example of corporate framings of the LGBTQ community in a positive light, which is especially significant given the spate of anti-transgender bills working their way through states such as Arkansas, West Virginia, Tennessee, and South Dakota, among others.

Pantene posted a message about the ad to Twitter, writing, "Hair is a large part of our identity. And for LGBTQ+ youth like Sawyer, who choose to express themselves, their style, and their creativity through their hair style, it can help them feel seen."

Fortunately I already have a bottle of Pantene shampoo in my shower. 

Rose Montoya

 Rosalynne Montoya — who goes by Rose — is an Arizona-based, Hispanic, bisexual, non-binary transgender woman. 

Did Gender Fluidity Nearly Kill Me?

 It seems to me the term "gender fluid" has just become popularized by the younger generation of queer women and men everywhere.  My idea was reinforced recently when I attended  a transgender - crossdresser meeting. Several of the participants were 20 to early 30 somethings  Along  the way, they mentioned the idea of being gender fluid.  Or how they wished somedays they could work as a guy and the next as a girl. 

Oldest known picture

At the time, I wondered  if being gender would have worked for me, or was I at all? 

Then I realized I tried being gender fluid and it led me to a suicide attempt. I was trying to live part time in my old male life while at the same time attempting to learn to live as a transgender woman. 

Hormone replacement therapy came along and forced my hand. If I was going to choose a gender, it would have to be the higher maintenance feminine one. When I started HRT, it seemed all too quickly I was growing breasts, my skin was softening and my hair was becoming long enough to tie it back into a pony tail.

At the time, I wasn't planning on the process happening so fast. So, very quickly any thoughts of being gender fluid left my mind. Even though the term itself was probably a decade away from being used at all.

 

As I proceeded on my journey, it was increasingly evident I was home. I had discovered what deep down I always knew...I was born to be a girl/woman. 

In conclusion,  I wish anyone trying to pursue a gender fluid life the best of luck. It nearly killed me.

Thanks

 I would like to take a second and thank the professor and nearly twenty students who joined in for a virtual class I recently participated in.

At he last minute the other day I was asked to step in with a couple younger transgender women and men to share our life experiences including dealing with trans discrimination.

I found the class from Mt. Saint Joseph's College here in Cincinnati to be attentive and curious with good questions.  

Most of the questions revolved on how the proper way transgender people should be approached and treated. 

For my input on discrimination, I recounted my rest room experiences back in the day when I had the police called me, when I was called a pervert to my face and finally was asked to leave a couple venues. 

The professor then asked me if I thought times had changed for the better as far as the transgender community is concerned. 

I answered yes. Regardless of the previous administration in Washington, we have made strides to fight forward. After all, I remember back in the 1950's in Dayton. Ohio when men were rounded up and arrested for simply cross dressing up as women.

Now I have another university class coming up in April virtually at the Miami University in Oxford, Ohio which I am really looking forward to. 

Running while Transgender

 In reference to the Cyrsti's Condo post  concerning the attacks on transgender athletes by Republicans around the country At the least, you have to admire the courage of trans athletes everywhere to compete in their chosen sports. Back in the day, I used sports as a way to mask my gender leanings. Fortunately these days, transgender sports fans are not backing away from participation in activities they enjoy. 

Of course too, you have to factor in the influence of hormone replacement therapy on the athlete's body. Which is part of Connie's comment:

Connie at Work

" I have to admit that I have mixed feelings on this subject, because it is far from an either/or issue. Fifty years ago, when I was on my boy's high school track team, I was a better 440 yard runner than most boys, but I'm certain that I could have won the race every time, had I run against cis girls (I've checked the record books). Never mind the fact that there were many times when I would return home after track practice or a meet and secretly express my femininity through dress or activities, just as any girl might have. Of course, fifty years ago, I really had no choice but to keep my femininity a secret, and there wasn't even a girls track team at my school. I seriously doubt that, if I had been free to declare my gender identity and there would have been the opportunity to join a girls team, I would have chosen to compete against the girls.

Puberty blockers and HRT would have made a difference in my athletic abilities. I don't know how much difference, but I'm guessing that I might have been among the fastest girls; not necessarily a record-setter, though. Then, again, maybe I wouldn't have had the same interest in competing against anyone - boys or girls - had I not been subjected to the ravages of male puberty. Much of the reason I had for participating in athletics was to hide my feminine identity, anyway.

So, I believe that trans girls should be able to compete against all girls, but not by mere declaration of gender identity alone. Whether it be through suppression or introduction of cross hormone therapies, there should be the requirement that a trans girl must have been under some regimen for a certain period of time before being allowed to compete against other girls.

I know there are people from both sides of the argument who disagree with me. While I can't see the fairness in allowing only a self-declaration of gender identity, I certainly reject the notion that "biological boys" should be disallowed from girls' athletics outright. The thing that gets me is that many of the same people who want to keep trans girls from being on girls' teams because of their hormonal "advantage" are the ones who want to criminalize any hormone therapies for trans girls. But, as Paula said, these people are just trying to erase trans existence altogether."

So true! Thanks for the comment. 

As I have written, HRT has robbed my body of a significant portion of my former male strength. What I will never know is how much of the loss could be attributed to age considerations. 

I do know for sure, the entire idea of boys competing against girls is so wrong. The power of hormones changes all of that. As Paula said, all of this is once again a group of ignorant gender bigots trying to erase our transgender existence.

Transgender Elder Care

 As promised, I wrote  I would send along further details of my Webinar on transgender elder care. Brighter minds than mine have set the event to be seen on Zoom as well as Facebook.

Here is the link to find it on Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/events/270094498066096/

I will cover the lack of in-depth knowledgeable  health care available to elders in the transgender community.

If you have time, stop by!

FRIDAY AT 6 PM EDT – 7 PM EDT

Transgender Elder Care

Free  · Online Event
And, here is the Zoom link : us02web.zoom.us

Michelle's Maintenance

 Recently I wrote a post here in Cyrsti's Condo revolving around the concept women are definitely the high maintenance gender. Being the hard headed person I am, it took me years to learn exactly that. As my wife at the time kept referring to me as the "pretty, pretty princess" in my makeup heels and hose, no amount of feminine presentation could help me to understand exactly what she meant. It wasn't until years later as I seriously started my Mtf gender transition did I understand.

Let's check in with Michelle and her feelings on the subject:

"I see that you, as well as so many of us have discovered, that being a woman requires many years of life lessons learned while growing up.

Females start very early in life learning so many skills, that men would never even think of, like communication, relationships, mannerisms and dealing with the trials and tribulations of dealing with the female body. It's one thing to learn how to apply makeup and clothes styles but women don't really get those lessons till early in their teens. Women start early learning that the somewhat care and feeding of their bodies will follow them throughout life.

Men on the other hand only deal with learning to (as my partner once put it) grunt, fart and learn how to somewhat intimidate the people they come in contact with. For women, life's lessons are almost harder in the long run then men will ever know.

Women have to learn, starting very early, how to deal with so many aspects of their bodies and minds that can be both scary as well as rewarding. Men on the other side of the coin only have to learn only what puberty brings them. It's more of a one shot deal for men. Women have to deal with it all their lives. "

Thanks for the comment!

I have always thought cis women have precious little time to design their lives around their bodies. After all. girls go through puberty earlier than boys to face years of having babies and monthly periods before their bodies then go through menopause. Through it all, women face the lack of gender privilege which men take for granted. 

Again, thanks for the very perceptive comment. 

For the First Time in Nevada

 A transgender woman has won Miss Silver State USA.

Kataluna Enriquez, 27, started competing in transgender pageants in 2016 when she worked as a model. She began to competing in cis gender pageants at the beginning of last year advocating for inclusivity, diversity and representation. 

Of course her face and body haven't hurt her!