More Background

I know I was a little vague on the background history from one of my recent posts which went into the questions I got from a long time acquaintance.

I'm going to pull excerpts on both comments then back track into info. The first comment comes from Connie:
 "Cyrsti, it seems as though this friend of yours has either been frustrated for a long time or is challenging you to give an explanation as to why cross dressers are different from trans people - or both (most likely). Perhaps this person has even undergone conversion therapy, but the last three questions certainly do have cynical undertones that could be based on shame and guilt." - and- 
"I would give answers to these six questions that would be similar to yours, but I'm much more intrigued by the motivation of your old friend in asking them. The bigger question, I think, can be drawn from between the lines - not necessarily from the lines being drawn."

Connie, frustration may be too simple a term. He carries with him to this day a deep resentment towards a transsexual woman we both knew during her transition (all the way to SRS) "Me thinks" one or both of them went to far and he still carries frustration. 

And there is the "tale of two therapies." About the same time, both of us went to probably the only gender therapist in Ohio at the time (1980's). For some reason, he came away thinking therapists were enablers basically only in it for the dollar. Ironically, my wife and I went and I came away with the advice my gender dysphoria was not going away and both of us would have to live with it if our relationship would survive. 

Our lives actually went separate ways for years before he made contact on Yahoo. During that time, he actually made contact with a cis man somewhere on line and corresponded with him as a generic for a year or so. At the least I tell him he does a great job of living by the "Hypocrite Code".  Finally, he got out of a long term relationship with a wife who recoiled about any idea of cross dressing and married another woman in about a month. Did he tell the "new wife"? Of course not. 

Another comment next.

Walk Away?

Years ago when I was first free to explore the real possibilities of transitioning, I remember quite vividly reading about one of the transsexuals "coming out of stealth" just to explain why she "got out." By getting out, I mean-she meant, out of the rat race just to live her life in her preferred gender. Commonly referred to as "stealth." - and why she was going back.

I remembered at the time-what a waste of experience and activism. Lately, I'm not so sure.

My daily Cyrsti's Condo blog has become a child at a time in my life when I don't need one. Certainly, I'm not getting rich by all of this, although money is NOT why I started all of this. I wanted to prove I could, tell my story for others and yes-transition.

As transitions go I suppose, mine has been very kind to me. I'm blessed to be able to live a feminine life far beyond my expectations. So far as a matter of fact, I think writing about them has become a chore for both of us. I know I'm not real glitzy and going to the store today in jeans, T shirt and boots wouldn't make for big fashion story-but it is who I am.

My passions burn bright for equal treatment and rights for all citizens of the transgender community but then again these days I feel I'm on the outside looking in because of my age. Plus, the hour or so I put into the blog everyday has the potential to take away time I could have to go to community trans support organizations. Here's an example of my frustration. Today the closeted cross dresser I mention here in the blog told me about the religious classes he was taking at the age of 65. Of course the pastor threw in how religion and God can be a cure for cross dressing. Really?

I also know humans don't live forever and I have a long way to study the religions I want to- such as Tibetian Buddhism, Hinduism and earth based Spiritual beliefs held by native tribes around the world and America. What's the line from "Smokey and the Bandit?" I have a long way to go and a short time to get there.

Recent discoveries of  totally accessing my true gender self has whetted my thirst for more understanding of my soul. I used to be a huge believer and practitioner of transcendental meditation. It has occurred to me now, the blocks I was experiencing could have been self induced gender blocks. And, all of that takes time.

So. as of yet-I don't know where I am going with all of this. All I do know is around the time I do my Trans Ohio workshop will be coming up at the end of May. Plus, Cyrsti's Condo will celebrate another year. In the meantime, we will have business as usual and see what happens!

Since You Asked

Recently I received this set of questions from a frustrated cross dressing closeted friend from the 80's.

 Dear Ms. Hart,

• How many people who dress are trans?  
• How many people who say they are trans actually know what they're talking about?  
• How many bisexuals prefer a "trans" label to a "bi" or "gay" label?  
• How many people who transition realize that they've evolved from male to transsexual and that "female" is truly out of reach?
• How many individuals and businesses are making money pandering to these people?
• How many people exhibiting suicidal tendencies are getting professional help as opposed to professional enabling?

 Wow!! if I knew these answers, I would be rich and somewhere else!

But of course like ass holes-I have assumptions like everyone else'

Here are some:

• 1.-VERY few cross dressers are trans-the castle (where we used ti hang out) just seemed to have an over balance. I would say 10% at the MOST.
• 2.-Most trans people do know what they are talking about-but in most cases say it in a terrible way. If you are truly trans-you just KNOW it.  If you are good enough to express it or write about, you are even in a smaller minority.
• None-all the bi/gay/lesbian labels are sexual-not gender. A trans person though can express which sexuality they prefer. Such as I prefer women and identify as a trans lesbian.
• As different as snowflakes-all perceptions are different. "Female and Male" are anatomical terms and have nothing to do with gender. Personally, I believe female is always out of reach-but "woman" isn't. Also I do believe there are still many transsexuals who believe they can still buy their way to being a female through surgery. HRT can "sync" a former male brain into the feminine world which felt right and being a woman is within reach. Remember a female is not a woman and a male is not a man.
• Very, very few business's make money "pandering" to the transgender community-for several reasons. The biggest one is the high unemployment rate. Also so many are still in the closet and so many go stealth (as I am considering this is all so tedious) money is scarce. Also, please don't confuse the gay and lesbian venues who do make some money off of some fringe trans peeps or the sudden abundance of reality shows about us. In short, we are poor, invisible and unorganized. Don't worry about us being "pandered" to yet.
• This is an incredibly misguided question. When you talk to your pastor-do you consider it "professional help?" Also, keep in mind professional help is too expensive and out of reach for the greatest majority of those who try and succeed at suicide. By using the term "enabler" you must still cling to some outmoded notion that this is a choice. If you have followed the Leelah Alcorn suicide at all, you would have your answer. If counseling enables you to save your own life-wouldn't you take it. What about if it was your own son?
• There you Go!

 

What's The Wife Going to Say???

Been there-done it. I was a married cross dresser through two marriages. I can only say for me it was "cruel and unusual" punishment and especially to my second wife who passed on nearly eight years ago. Perhaps she was right. I would drive her to an early grave.

From what I read from most of you and others around the web, I was different in that I told both of them I was a transvestite or cross dresser before we were married.

Of course I'm always on the look for ideas on the subject-especially from the generics who were or are married to cross dressers such as Maria (see blog link) to the right and this latest link from Tasi Zuriak who recently announced Sister House newest writer, Terri Lee Ryan, ex-wife of a crossdresser, and her expose on the 10 Reasons Cross-Dressers’ Wives Divorce Them | Family Room .

You Cyrsti's Condo regulars probably tire of me repeating of my second wife totally supported my cross dressing while at the same time was just as adamant about not accepting me as a transgender woman .Her reason was sound, a cross dresser was a man in a dress a trans woman was that-a woman.


Yes, at one time I even attempted to set up a generic "acceptance scale" in my Stilettos On Thin Ice Book. Basically, there are number one spouses like my partner Liz, who has never seen any male in me after four plus years. Then on the other end there are the number ten spouses who wouldn't wait to put a divorce lawyers number on a speed dial at the same time she heads out to her "snake worshiping" bible thumper. Obviously, the numbers in between represent snowflakes. None are the same.

If I have enough time, I am going to go back to the Sister House site and pose the question about how many cross dressers told their spouses up front. Then, assuming they didn't how many tried to hide the fact until they were caught or actually waited to "come out." How much does "honesty" really matter?

I'm thinking there are too many still in the closet to come up with a representative number. After all, I know there are so few cross dressers who can actually come out at work or on the evening news. Not a good way for "the wife" to find out.

Cyrsti's Condo "Sunday Edition"

Kerplunk! Another Sunday edition from "The Condo" has hit your virtual front porch. It's a beautiful Spring day around here but still prime time for a simmering hot cup o joe! Lets get started.

Page One-The Week That Was or Wasn't:  During the week, the spirit of Leelah Alcorn was honored when President Obama made a public statement against transgender or gay conversion therapy. The announcement was even made there would be a "gender friendly" restroom in the White House. Yes, I instantaneous came up with plenty of cheap shots but "bottom" line is, the largely symbolic move was welcome-when I make my next trip to the White House.

Page Two-Tears Fall Again:  Taylor Alesana (left), a 16-year-old transgender girl in Fallbrook, Calif., who faced "constant" bullying online and in school, died by suicide April 2, reports San Diego TV station KGTV. Once again, ignorance equals bullying, equals death and tragedy-again.

Page Three - Army Strong? 

The Army is now leading the charge to change the U.S. military's long-standing ban on openly transgender troops by seeking guidance about whether it can allow a transgender sergeant to continue serving as the man he is. 

Army Sgt. Shane Ortega (right) served three combat tours, according to a Thursday profile in The Washington Post: "Two in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. Two as a Marine and one in the Army. Two as a woman and one as a man."

Unless you served in a different branch of the US Army at a different time than I did, nothing is as simple or easy as it seems-such as letting Shane KEEP serving.

Page Four-The Back Page: It's been a busy week around here with a potential overload of potential posts for all of you! So in the mean time, I hope you dodged the big time storms in the middle of the country this week and have a good week to come! Hugs to all!

Cyrsti's Condo "What If?"

Unidentified Pinterest crossdresser

OK honey, you came home early and caught me in your clothes and  oh yeah, I cleaned the kitchen! Now you see why I was really dieting for this summer!

Hell No on the Status Quo?

On the good side yesterday, Ohio governor John Kasich announced he wasn't considering another "Religious Freedom Law" debacle similar to Indiana's mess.

 Essentially he said everything was OK with the balance we maintain in Ohio although he still doesn't support same gender marriage. Before I broke into my happy dance. I thought of the big bulge under the carpet in the Ohio State House. It's where all the sweeping of state laws protecting the LGBT community-particularly transgender women and men are hidden.

 Kasich proved we MIGHT be a little more civilized than Indiana but here in Ohio (like most any other state) we too have our share of far right wing politicians in office lurking and plotting to take away rights we deserve.

 

It's NOT That Difficult

I am in Cincinnati, Ohio. Today, on the heels of yesterday's mega coverage of  Prez Obama coming out against gay/transgender conversion therapy-the local tragic(local) Leelah Alcorn suicide story was featured. Then today, yet another story of a teen trans suicide went public.
It occurred to me (again) we are missing something here (other than the obvious). Maybe missing the forest for the trees. If I was writing my own version of "Parenting a Transgender Child for Dummies", here are my basics:

1. You face a Very REAL 41% chance of your child committing suicide.  COUNT on it.
2. YOUR Child will be bullied- COUNT on it. Remember too-bullying is a multi generational institution. Others kids learn it.
3. Monitor your child's social media. Bully's live like cock roaches on social media and often are just as intelligent.
4. Religion may help YOU-but not your child. Jesus is not walking down the hall at school with your child. 
5. Each case/child is different but you and your child are NOT alone-increasingly so.
6. Remember the "P" words. This is not a phase but then again your child can grow into the many different layers of growth. If protected and nurtured.
7. Understand you are raising a very unique and special child.
8. There is NO luck to this. It's what you make of it.
9. The chance of you mourning a child you never really knew is VERY real. 
10. You CAN help.

Rest assured I am not qualified to write a book such as this. On the other hand if we are ever going to stop this insanity, we are going to have to go to the parents with grass roots efforts. - and make the parents of bully's criminally liable.  

What's Wrong with those "Aussie's?"

Catherine McGregor transitioned from male to female in 2012. (Photo: Lisa Maree Williams/Getty Images)

"Australian military officer Catherine McGregor, considered the most prominent transgender woman in Australia, functioned as a male until just after her 56th birthday, she shared in a speech at a National Press Club event in Canberra, Australia this week.

“I choose the term ‘functioned’ advisedly, because my relationship to my birth gender was fraught from a very young age,” McGregor, who is a group captain in the RAAF Reserve, said during her speech, reported Buzzfeed.

For people who are transgender, there is a difference between that person’s physical gender and the gender he or she actually identifies with. Gender dysphoria is a diagnosis included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which says, “for a person to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria, there must be a marked difference between the individual’s expressed/experienced gender and the gender others would assign him or her, and it must continue for at least six months.” 

It can be hard to describe what it’s like to actually live with gender dysphoria (“Grammar fails to express" what it’s like to live with it, McGregor said). The writer of the Tarnished Sophia blog, who says in her “About Me” section that she has gender dysphoria, explains that it’s like being ready and comfortable with playing Romeo, and then on opening night being told you must play Juliet. “You haven’t played this part before, you don’t know the lines, the costume doesn’t fit at all, and you feel no connection to this character whatsoever. You don’t understand what her motivations are, and the director can’t explain them in a way that makes any sense to you.”

McGregor said in her speech that before she transitioned from male to female in 2012, her inner conflict was unbearable. “I suffered from it acutely and consciously at intervals over the course of my entire life,” she said in her speech. “I now believe my entire life was spent repressing and compensating for my gender variance.” '

Go here for more! 

Don't the Australian's know how damaging an active transgender military person can be? 

Of course you Cyrsti's Condo regulars know I am a trans vet and I feel the continuing discrimination against trans military members is the height of hypocrisy.

WGAL - Lancaster/Harrisburg

What is gender dysphoria?

What is gender dysphoria?